The Depression Thread #2

[Eeyore147]

Can someone please reassure me that it’s not just me who has times when you don’t know when you last showered. Washed your hair. Brushed your hair. Washed your face.

Definitely not just you (I’m actually trying to answer the when’s in my head ) sending you lots of love

 

[Maid22]

I love the genuine replies on here, we should all ignore the flippant one, hope others can freely post, there's alot of proper advice on here x

 

[newaccount2022]

Good luck with the new job, am sincerely hoping all goes well. (Serenity prayer) 'Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference, living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; taking this world as it is and not as I would have it'. Easier said than done but we'll all keep helping each other and trying.

Thanks so much for thinking of me. I made it through! Luckily due to COVID there was only me and the boss in the office and he was very relaxed. I hate meeting and mixing with people and not having alone time and I’m very conscious that this is a bad trait to have when you’re new in a job, they always want you to network and be a team player. But the boss had a business lunch with a client so I had a blissful hour to myself for lunch and just spent the day signing policies and doing some reading and watching videos. I tried to be honest about who I am/how I work without being negative and found the boss quite understanding. So a positive start also got a cute little welcome pack with a free mug and a voucher for the coffee shop downstairs

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

I didn’t get back to sleep but my son got up not long after I posted so that took my mind off things. I’ve got a huge knot in my stomach even though I know I haven’t done anything wrong and it’s because I care I wanted her to get back on track.

Spoiler: Alcoholism

Honestly ITT, will you tell me if I speak about this too much? My friend is a very dear friend I met in AA. We struggled together and then got sober within a few months of each other and after a considerable period, she’s relapsed. I’ve had my suspicions for a while but after I asked her, she admitted it. I went to a meeting yesterday and I text her to see if she was up to going and she basically said she wouldn’t be back. I said I wasn’t going to pressurise her but I was disappointed she felt that way and she turned in a heartbeat. Personal attacks about my quality of sobriety, how she’s disappointed in me for asking her, she told me as a friend she’d been drinking and I’d upset her.

I said I didn’t know where it came from but she was bang out of order commenting on my sobriety and she said the truth hurts. It really doesn’t, I know what I need to do and I’m not always quick off the mark. She said she didn’t want to fall out but she was disappointed too and thanks for all the help I’d given her. I didn’t reply. I’m beyond worried but I’m also feeling like I’ve done something wrong, when I know I haven’t. If she can’t see it’s come from a place of love then I can’t help that. I hate this though. In all the melee last night, I forgot to take my tablets )

I text one of my non-AA friends and she sent me this article because we’re both the same. She also said that we could both do with putting ourselves first for a change.

https://www.archive.is/oldest/https...yle/2022/apr/29/confessions-of-a-hyper-empath

Never think you talk too much about anything . That is what this place is here for.

Spoiler: AA mentions

I can’t meaningfully comment on the ins and outs (I hate to try to comment if I have no direct experience) of what you have said, but from my point of view, your journey and her journey are entirely separate and that with something like AA, where you may start the journey seemingly together, you have to take your own path. Sorry if this is coming across badly, sometimes I cannot express myself well .

You are obviously such a caring person and I have no advice with regards to taking on the emotions of others or the over thinking about everything (I wish my brain would stop, just once), but I have been reading a lot about us only taking responsibility for our own behaviours and emotions and doing what we know is right. We cannot be responsible for those of others if we act within our moral code. That is all very well me saying this (as I continue to stress about why I feel like I have no one to talk to) but you did do the right thing here.

To @barmcake thankyou and the others that struggle on a sunny day. Yes! It is like the weather is giving us a big sweary thing and telling us that we should feel extra rubbish when everyone around us is enjoying themselves even more.

@Pollyanna263 - sending dog love. The worry can really add up.

 

[Pollyanna263]

Sometimes that's not enough, when you're in a dark hole, you really don't give a fuck about anyone or anything

This.

And, sometimes they feel like too much to cope with and you convince yourself they’d be better off without you (which is never true)

 

[Fanny Muchmore]

Just adding that I've managed to get a GP appointment via telephone for Friday 13th (eep) to ask about counselling.

 

[barmcake]

Sending you .

The last two days have been awful. I have got back into bad behaviours, like you, the things that “should” make a difference feel shit and I want to sit on the sofa in my joggers and watch breaking bad in its entirety.

When I feel like this, it is like 2 1/2 years ago is rearing its head. Those feelings are knocking at the door and it is taking every single ounce of my strength not to let them in. I have to not eat everything, not restrict, not curl in a ball and want to hide from the world. The pressure in my chest is huge. Even writing this is causing pain.

Sorry to be a misery. Particularly on a long weekend when we are all meant to be having the most fun ever.

To those that are struggling, . To those that are having time with family or friends, .

Xxx

Don't feel bad; you needed a break from the world. Sometimes we need to just collapse into a heap, and when our feet touch the rocky bottom we'll start to push ourselves up again. We had a massive festival in my town with 130,000 bikers partying on the beach. I stayed in bed all weekend trying to keep quiet in case the neighbours thought 'what a weirdo' not going out again .... must stop worrying about what other people think. Just get back up in your own time. xx

 

[Pollyanna263]

Anyone remember when I was online shopping for a trampoline? Well…. I bought it, and built it! (With help from my teenager)
Seriously happy kids.

Beyond that I’ve managed to do an online food shop, which I’ve struggled with lately as I haven’t been able to think ahead to plan.

I’m weaning from 45mg mirtazapine - did 5 days at 30mg and then last night dropped to 15mg.

And from 300mg venlafaxine - did one day at 262.5mg to make sure I felt okay, and then dropped to 225mg.

Got psychiatrist tomorrow. Have only met him once but he was so so lovely, very observant (the clinic letter was hard to read as it said so much just from what he’d observed and read between what I’d said) and he will hopefully give guidance on what level of ven I need to drop to to then switch to Amitriptyline which is his recommendation.

Dog back at the vet Thursday for another check up but she’s healed amazingly well, I’m not worried any more.

My house is an absolute tip, it’s embarrassing, thank god no one ever just turns up. I just don’t seem to have the thought process that I need to tidy / clean for it to change

Edit to add I have found myself putting this on repeat lately. It says everything I feel (or am unable to feel!)

https://music.amazon.co.uk/albums/B09QWTG1XF?do=play&trackAsin=B09QW1R85W&ref=dm_sh_sks4KFHAKkSjdq3Ly9tcDh3E2

 

[Eeyore147]

Anyone else feel like they are just about keeping going, and the next thing that happens will be the one to finally make you crumble?

That’s where I am.

I’ve had a cry this afternoon, but not enough. Bloody meds stop it.

I’m verging on hyper now and it’s because I still need to get my littlest to bed so need to keep going.
The dog has an open wound that I have to keep clean
And I’m exhausted.

Had to cancel therapy this morning too because of the vet.

I know exactly how you feel. I just didn’t want to read and run but wanted to send you lots of love for you and your pooch.

I’ve managed to eat (yes a microwave meal but still it’s food) and now off to my safe space.

I hope tomorrow’s a better day for you and you manage to re-arrange therapy xxx

 

[flutternutter]

As i surface from my pit of misery i need to clean my depression house.... i have 2 batteries for my hoover and i dont think thats enough... everything i read says start small so im trying that.
Ive put the washing on.
But i need to move the dry washing off the airers before it finishes...
Then i should dust really because the whole place is minging. I think if i can do the washing, dusting and just hoovering the stairs today i will feel good.
My toilet seats half falling off... needs tightened but the bathroom also needs cleaned so might save that for tomorrow
I have a new job which is going to pay me a LOT more so I am going to try get a cleaner to help me out because I really struggle with cleaning and it becomes a huge thing when the house is like it is now and im surfacing from my depression. It just makes it 10x harder!

Wish me luck!

 

[StillLucilleBluth]

Does anyone ever feel really, really low after a good day? I’ve had a nice day, seen my Mum & sister and I hardly ever see them. I’ve laughed a lot they’ve really made me forget things for a while. But now their gone I feel really empty and low. Probably more so than I felt before they visited

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I get it. I feel like that after I spend time with friends and their families, then I go home on my own and just feel empty and like something is missing. It’s like the situation you’re unhappy with seems even more present and the contrast is really hard. And beforehand, you’re focused on whatever it is you’re going to be doing. Afterwards it’s like there’s nothing left. It’s so hard.

 

[Fillyfox]

Wow guys thank you so much for all your helpful comments.

Unfortunately my partner isn't a consistent in my life as he works away all week so it's just me & my 3 year old son who I really struggle with if I'm honest.
When he was born I had post partum depression & psychosis. But that's a totally different chapter in my life.

Just right now I'm not in a good place mentally & needed to wrote my feelings down.

I hate that my son & partner aren't enough sometimes but I guess that's just how my brain works....

No disrespect at all! I love my partner & son very much but its a very different type of love.

Thank you everyone x

I hope everyone on here has had a peaceful weekend 🤍 I have a question to you all: does anyone else get totally overwhelmed when going out? I went out with my best friends yesterday and didn’t enjoy myself much as I was too emotional. Technically, we had a lovely time, but by the end of the day the only thing I wanted was get home, crawl into my bed and cry. I love my friends to pieces and I used to love going out too, but these days even the smallest things can trigger me big time.

I’m sorry to hear you are struggling! The idea of losing a loved one is always so stressful and terrifying no matter if it’s a person or an animal. Your feelings are 100% valid so please don’t add to the existing stress by calling them ‘petty’.

Have you tried emailed the Samaritans? I’ve never tried their text line but I’ve emailed and they would always reply within 2-3 days. Sometimes just putting your thoughts down can help you clear your head and gain back control over your emotions.

Can totally relate to this!
I recently went to a funeral of an old work friend. After the ceremony we went to the local pub for a couple of drinks. There was 10+ people there all of which I knew but it took me a good day to recover!
I felt physically exhausted from being around people for that time.

I’m weaning my meds ready to swap to different ones. Psychiatrist has overruled GP and insisted I go waaaaaay slower than GP said to.

I’m almost off mirtazapine, that’s been easy as I take it at night, but venlafaxine he wants me to drop by 37.5mg and then maintain that for a month, before doing the same again.
It’s going to take 4 1/2 months to get to 75mg which is when he’s comfortable to introduce Amitriptyline - what I’m swapping to.

I’m only 12 days in to my first ven drop and I feel like shit. Constant headaches, spend the day falling asleep at the drop of a hat, more headaches, shivery and hot, irrational rage.
Oh and did I mention the headaches?

I know why I’m doing this. I know I need to do it. I know it’ll be worth it in the end. But wow, I do not know if I can take this much longer.

There are alot of venlafaxine support groups both on fb & reddit if you need abit of a pick me up.

I'm also on venlafaxine & dread the day I may need to come off it.

Hope you're holding up okay xx

 

[Maid22]

Does anyone else feel content alone? I’m never really depressed until my lifestyle is in the spotlight. I’m basically a content loner 95% of the time, I haven’t had the best experiences with family or relationships so I have a guard up but I am okay doing my own thing. Maybe in the future I’ll want to meet people but I have a huge list of things I want to do for myself and not enough hours to do them.

I was feeling fine in my routine then all the “what are you doing at the weekend?” combined with my mum throwing a strop via text because I couldn’t take a call, has really made my mood plummet this evening. I’ve been told I look like a party girl and I think me being a ‘hermit’ (i.e. never having social stories) really confuses people. They don’t know what to make of me.

I’m going to have to start pretending at work that I’ve done social stuff at the weekends. I’ll feel better in the morning, just wish things were different.

I'm a recluse, never used to be, was always out at weekends etc, but having so called friends who really treated me badly, I'd rather stay home with my dog! Don't pretend, be you, if you need time out, everyone who's out doing stuff at the weekend, I can guarantee most of them aren't enjoying it.

 

[or JusRollWithIt]

You’re doing so many good things @AL10 , keep building on that. Don’t give up on yourself. And a gap between teeth is actually something that makes you unique, and many people find it an attractive feature. Things change as we age, you don’t want to look back on this time and wonder why you were so hard on yourself. Smile and laugh and talk as you feel it, I bet your whole demeanour lights up when you do. Make those appointments as you can afford. You deserve it just as much as anyone else.

 

[butterfliesandhurricanes]

I get that with music bringing back memories, tbh it hasn't helped me tonight, I normally leave the TV on when I go to bed. Hope you're ok x

same here I have the tv on all night. I can’t sleep without having something playing in my ear. X

 

[Sheabutter]

How is everyone doing today? 🤍

I have a question to you all. How do you deal with feeling overwhelmed by your own emotions? I just can’t stop thinking, I think and I overthink and end up feeling like I’m drowning. When I feel like this, I can’t even manage to distract myself by counting to ten, listening to music, etc etc. I get either aggressive or tearful or both. It happens way too often, it’s like experiencing severe PMS symptoms every day.

So I don’t go for walks to deal with my emotions but I happen to notice when I go out that I feel better. Semi-populated areas, lots of greenery — something about signs of life and seeing the world keeps turning in spite of the chaos I’m feeling feels good. It’s like throwing water over a fire.

 

[nimblefimble]

Hey all, had my appointment today and was put on 50mg of sertraline to start me off. Feel so relieved like I can breathe again. The doctor was so lovely, he just listened to what I said and didn’t question or dismiss like I thought. Thanks so much for all the advice, really gave me the push to do what I needed to do. Hopefully onwards and upwards from here!

 

[Eeyore147]

No medication, have had some in the past, have never had a cpn, I'm one who has fallen through the cracks, really don't get any help, unless I pay,,can't afford it, but just sometimes, it would be nice to to chat to someone, but I've learnt over the years, no one cares.

I’m here to listen. Are you UK? You can ask your GP to refer you to the Adult MH Team, they will allocate you a CPN and Psychiatrist, they are much better are sorting medications/regular support etc out.
Can you self refer for therapy in your area? Think it’s IAPT? I did have a support worker who was working on exposure therapy for Agrophobia but I wasn’t strong enough at the time to deal with it, then covid happened - and virtually 2 years of not needing a reason not to leave the house made it 10x worse. Luckily my CPN comes to me or via video calls.
Sorry I’ve rambled there, but what I mean is you’re not alone. Ask your GP to refer you and get the support you deserve. Lots of well wishes

 

[Lord Voldemort]

I hate this time of year

Same, I'm finding this year especially hard

 

[Some People!]

I'm doing ~OK just now. Not good, but I'm not as low as I've been. I'm treading water. I'm trying not to give in to the misery thoughts because once I start I can't stop. It's a slippery slope.

I'd really like a rest. I only work part time, I only have 1 kid, so I shouldn't feel so done-in or need a rest, but there it is. I think it's a rest from the emotional labour of it all, really.
I'd love someone to come into my life and badger me for a while; Have you put the dishwasher on? Don't put that down, put it away! Don't eat that, you'll regret it! Why not run the hoover round, you'll feel better afterwards. Time to go to bed! Have you still not put the dishwasher on?? Come on, go for that walk, you know you need it. Have you got clean clothes for work tomorrow?

I'm rubbish at being a grown up