The Depression Thread #2

[no-no]

I’ve not been able to get the gym much recently and it’s really impacting my mood. It’s my only bit of me time but I’m too exhausted from responsibilities. I’m just doing chores, sat at a laptop for 10 hours a day then a couple of hours before bed to eat and “unwind” then repeat. I have small windows for doing things and if I miss them they’ve been missed. Think I’ll need to sort a plan to fix this for next week because it blows my mind how people have weekends full of activities and I’m so drained from the working week I just use it as a time to go at a slower pace. My sleep is rubbish too as I keep waking up two hours before my alarm so I either sleep in or feel exhausted all day

 

[altgirl]

Thanks for your replies.
I’ve took the dog out for a quick walk each morning before it got too hot and then either laid in the garden or slept on the sofa. I moved into my own place a couple months ago and it’s nothing like I imagined. I haven’t actually spoken to anyone this week but I’m telling myself this is what it’ll be like so it’s a case of getting used to it. Sorry to sound so negative.

A friend has invited me out for her hen party this weekend which I’m considering going to as at least then I would have done something, although I wouldn’t drink much as I don’t want to spiral or be upset when I got home.

 

[barmcake]

MillionDollarBab has given good advice which would be good to follow. Depressed people all seem to feel guilty about being depressed. We're highly sensitive to what other people think, but I feel there comes a time when you just have to say 'sod them'. You seem to have reached rock bottom. Being hopeless means you've nothing to lose by being selfish. Look after you for a change and say 'I’m not doing this anymore; I’m not living my life for anyone else'. Get help and don't feel pressured into fitting into society.

(Everybody including my family are so quick to pick me and decisions apart any chance they get. I truly feel broken and beyond repair. I feel like I have achieved nothing in life. I've never gotten anything I've wanted and I have tried, tried so hard but now I've just given up.)
[/QUOTE]

 

[Pollyanna263]

Hello lovely. I hope you’re ok. Someone once said to me antidepressants are great cause they stop you feeling sad. But they also stop you feeling anything. I wholeheartedly agree.
I understand what you’re going through though I really do and you know I’m here if you need xx

Thank you xx

It’s weird because I was still able to cry when I was first taking them. I was struggling with PND but the trauma didn’t hit me fully until his first birthday and after that the whole thing imploded. That’s when the detachment set in and the emotions disappeared.
He turns 4 next month…

I’m under the care of an amazing psychiatrist now and am weaning off of the meds I’ve been on a long time, almost there now, but it’s so far only allowing the PTSD flashbacks etc to be worse and the depression symptoms to be less controlled without actually bringing any other relief!

Hopeful that the next few weeks along with the work in therapy will see a shift

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Things like changing job / going travelling / going on a spontaneous weekend away alone are so far beyond what I’m capable of, that I can’t even process the thoughts needed to begin to think about them!

To get into the shower this morning was such a long process, I was exhausted before I’d even turned on the water.
4 years ago if you’d told me that, I’d have had no way to understand that difficulty.


Edit to add I think that’s why I posted here in the first place yesterday about not knowing when I’d last showered etc. - because I desperately needed someone to tell me I wasn’t alone, and I knew that I wasn’t the only one to be feeling that. I hoped it might make someone else feel less alone, too

I really felt for you when you posted that last night, but you definitely made a lot of us feel less alone, and yourself.

I know what you mean about things changing job/travelling. There’s so much I’d love to do. I get so frustrated with myself because I should feel lucky that I’m physically able to. Mentally it’s a different story though.

I honestly think it is possible for things to get better for all of us, in time.

 

[Maid22]

Will catch up shortly but just wanted to say hi and hope everyone managed some rest overnight.

I’ve got an emergency vet appointment for my dog at 9. I’m trying to stay calm but not managing it. She is so important in my life, I cannot cope with the possibility that she’s not okay.

Oh, let us know how she is, sending hugs x

 

[Fanny Muchmore]

Can someone please reassure me that it’s not just me who has times when you don’t know when you last showered. Washed your hair. Brushed your hair. Washed your face.

It's not just you. I haven't washed my hair in ages. I forced myself to brush it today.

 

[flutternutter]

Yes! People are always shocked. I'm sorry you're going through a hard time.
What's more, people think you're ungrateful. If you're depressed on holiday, the price around you say "you're in a beautiful place with good food. What more can we do for you?!"
Depression doesn't care where you are...

Just smile... i wish! I genuinely wish i could wake up and be happy and carefree!!! In better news, I did a fair bit of house work today so that's made me feel like I've achieved something with my time! I think this is part of the issue. You take time off to get better, but you're too depressed to do anything productive so you feel MORE depressed i just really want to have the energy to go for a walk or sit outdoors

 

[candyland_]

Does anyone else feel content alone? I’m never really depressed until my lifestyle is in the spotlight. I’m basically a content loner 95% of the time, I haven’t had the best experiences with family or relationships so I have a guard up but I am okay doing my own thing. Maybe in the future I’ll want to meet people but I have a huge list of things I want to do for myself and not enough hours to do them.

I was feeling fine in my routine then all the “what are you doing at the weekend?” combined with my mum throwing a strop via text because I couldn’t take a call, has really made my mood plummet this evening. I’ve been told I look like a party girl and I think me being a ‘hermit’ (i.e. never having social stories) really confuses people. They don’t know what to make of me.

I’m going to have to start pretending at work that I’ve done social stuff at the weekends. I’ll feel better in the morning, just wish things were different.

Do what makes you happy and don’t worry about what anyone else says or thinks.

I love to spend time on my own and have my guard up too but sometimes on a sunny day I can feel my mood drop if I haven’t made any plans but then I saw a TikTok video about it and there was literally 1000s of comments with people saying they had nobody to do anything with but sometimes I can be out all day with people and still feel my mood drop later in the evening. Confusing.

 

[MillionDollarBaby]

I don’t have much to add over what ITT has said, but couldn’t read and run.

You have a lot to manage every day. Read back what you’ve written, and imagine it’s a friend’s situation.
Now imagine how you’d feel for that friend. Probably you might feel worried for them, because they have so much to think about with no respite? Now remember that that’s you, and that you are managing - even if it doesn’t feel like it.

I agree that counselling is a good place to start. You might find that you can self-refer, if you google for your area. For example I’m in Hampshire, and we can self-refer to iTalk without having to wait for the GP. It might be another way in, but I do think you should get a GP appointment, too.

If you’ve been on your current antid for a year, maybe they need a little tweak too just to give you a little more help?

It’s not fair that you have had to cancel your plans. It’s not okay that it’s happened, but us is okay that you feel upset or annoyed about it. Your feelings - no matter what they are - are valid. Don’t forget that.

ITT’s suggestion of some other plans like day trips and meals is a brilliant one. I hope you’re able to try and think about that with your husband.

Keep talking to us



Hey

I haven’t been on this thread long but I don’t think there’s any rules about what you can and can’t share. Just pop anything that you think might be upsetting behind a spoiler? Then people can choose whether or when to read.

You have described me. When my 3yo is at the childminder my days just disappear. I have no idea where the hours go.
When he’s home, I struggle to be the mum I want to be.
You aren’t alone, but I bet you’re doing more than you realise.

I am changing meds as the numbness and auto-pilot are probably a result of what I’m on.
It would be worth a conversation with your GP to talk about how you’re feeling, and see if there is something they can suggest. It might be a slight reduction, or a change, rather than an increase as it could be the sertraline suppressing your emotions.

I hadn’t even considered that it was the meds making me feel so flat until the psychiatrist mentioned it.

It’s a horrible way to feel and you don’t have to carry on like this x

From what you’ve shared on the Hinch thread I think we have been through very similar experiences. Thank you for your very kind words, as always, I will speak to my GP and see what they say. I so enjoyed the brief relief I got from the dark cloud hanging over me and I would love for that to be a more regular thing.

 

[mochibean]

I’m so low. Been this way for a while now. On the strongest amount of anti deps I can take. Doctor doesn’t want to change them as I’m very low/suicide. I have no friends, not one. No family at all. I go weeks without talking to another human being. I’ve been in bed since Wed night. Just sleeping on and off. I honestly feel like my soul is dying and my body is playing catch up.

So sorry you're feeling this way, depression is so cruel.

You're not alone don't forget that, and it can get to the point of absolute isolation which makes getting out of the depression even harder. At my worst I left the house about 3 times in 2 years and never opened the curtains. I got better eventually but it took a lot of time and patience with myself. So don't be hard on yourself, you won't feel like this forever. Sending lots of love.

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

I'm trying to get an appointment with my gp in regards to finding out of there's currently any funding for counselling.

I'm trying to find joy in the little things, like my favourite TV show, or a sunny day, but it's getting harder.

I have a chronic illness and disability that causes me a great deal of pain and fatigue. Plus there's a lot of stuff going on that is just draining me. I actually pretty much had a breakdown last year but I managed to claw myself back with the help of new antidepressants. There were a lot of reasons for it, including covid meaning a cancelled 20th anniversary trip to LA, my beloved dog of 17 years passing away (and again because of covid I couldn't be at the vet when he passed, only my husband, which I can't forgive myself for) etc. So this year my husband booked for us to go to NYC for our anniversary (and due to my health it takes a lot of planning) but now his dad, who lives with us, is in the hospital with an infection and has told my husband he doesn't want us to go and leave him home alone, in case he gets sick while we're away. He literally said "you've got lots of time to travel when I'm gone". Except I don't know if I do because of my illness and disability, I don't know how my body will hold up and if I'll physically be able to travel. But I'm being made to feel selfish for being upset that the trip has been cancelled and we're never going to go anywhere else for who knows how long.

We never had the chance to travel when we first got married either as my husband was a full time carer for his late mum who had MND. So we didn't even get a honeymoon. Or a wedding, actually, as my husband didn't think it was fair to have a big day that his mum and dad couldn't attend. So we went to the registrary office and came straight home again, no reception or anything.

I love my husband but I just feel like I'm always missing out on things.

You sound like you have a lot going on and have had a lot going on for a while. I definitely think that counselling would be the right way forward, particularly to talk about the lack of travel and your beloved dog passing.

You dealing with your illness is also a big thing and your counsellor can help with that. When you write all these things down, can you see how much you are dealing with and that sometimes our brains just say “no”.

Is there anything you and your husband can do to make up for the lack of the big trip? Small days out, meals?

So sorry you feel like this. Sending hugs

 

[LennyBriscoe]

I don’t know how to write this the only way I can do it is going to sound I’m just wanting attention honestly I’m not this is why I decided to post on a place no one will know me. I am at the end of my tether with life my wonderful husband died 18 mths ago I still cry when I’m alone because I miss him more than I can explai, I keep myself upbeat when I’m with my oBly child ( 27) because I don’t want to upset him, I don’t show my elderly parent I’m aching for my husband due to him being elderly and I don’t want to worry him I have a very good friend who I have fell apart once in front of her but she changed the subject to how her job was making her unhappy and she knew how I was feeling because she felt the same. Every friend I’ve got I am the go to friend to off load their worry’s and honestly I don’t mind..but sometimes I feel I’d love to have a good cry with them but I can’t and now I’m going to sound dramatic but I am now lying in bed worried about the Ukraine / Russia conflict and if a nuclear bomb is going to destroy us all. I know I’m rambling and I’m sorry but yesterday I had a row with my kid and he was nasty with the things he said over something so stupid but I honestly feel is this my life now ? No husband, no one I can off load too, my wonderful elderly dad who relies heavily on me, I have a sister who does nothing for him, and I don’t mind at all helping him but I just feel I’m literally on this earth to help, listen and take on everyone’s problems and no one ever ask how I am. I know it’s my own fault because I have always been an upbeat person but sadly that died when my love died. I just needed to write this down and honestly I am sorry I have but I just needed to because to me it looks like I’m off loading even though we don’t know each other for once hopefully some one might know how I feel and have some advice for what to do x

I’m so sorry for your loss. I think it’s a common thing that those who open their door to others often find that when they need help, it’s not forthcoming.

I’m so glad you’ve posted here, and I hope you post again every time you need or want to.

Maybe people don’t know what to say. Do you have anyone who could share memories of your husband with you? I think sometimes people think ‘I should avoid talking about him altogether, in case I upset her’ when maybe what would help you is someone saying “remember the time he did this?” You could talk about him here, if that would help?

I came straight to the end of the thread so yours was the first post I saw - and boy did I need to see it! I have had a dip in my mood which I’m not dismissing but I’ve lost perspective so a genuine thank you because I was in danger of getting lost up my own arse. I have had a consistent spell of a level mood but something changes and in a heartbeat I panic, I see things completely differently and I feel a bit lost.

Sending you lots of love @Kelmum

 

[Agent Cooper]

So after a really bad time I did post in here about it all the other week. Things improved I felt happy and normal for a change and just like usual I get hit again. Does anyone else feel its 1 step forward and then 100 back again.

I know what it feels like lovely! Going through a rough patch now doesn’t mean you will never be happy again. It might seem like it but it’s not true. Remembering this always helps me stay afloat. Sending you a big hug! 🫂

MillionDollarBab has given good advice which would be good to follow. Depressed people all seem to feel guilty about being depressed. We're highly sensitive to what other people think, but I feel there comes a time when you just have to say 'sod them'.

This, 100%. Just tell them to mind their own business @minty901. It sounds like you need to start living for yourself and putting yourself first. Your life is not over, 40 isn’t old at all! And you have your children - parenting is such a huge and important job, it’s a big achievement of yours that you shouldn’t downplay. You might feel like your life is not what you wanted it to be, well, this happens to many of us but it doesn’t mean you can’t get back on the right track ever again. Most importantly, please remember that you matter and that you are amazing. I really hope you feel better soon and get all the help you need. We are here for you if you need someone to talk to

Hi everyone,

First time poster so hopefully I'm doing this correctly.

My boyfriend of 2 years who is severely depressed has broken up with me this week. I'm not sure what I'm looking for writing this but it may be cathartic to just type it out. He stopped seeing a therapist last year as his therapist left and he never got reassigned (through the public system). Contacting the office and/or GP was too much for him no matter how much I encouraged it. He said that he feels so unhappy all the time and that there's nothing that can help. He explained that he was a bad partner and couldn't give me the time, attention and engagement that I deserve. And although that may be true sometimes I was still incredibly happy with him and I feel completely broken.

I can't imagine not being with him. The day after we broke up I stayed with a friend and he rang me in tears apologising for hurting me and was talking about harming himself. I panicked and rang two friends to check on him as I was a bit further away. We also work together and he completely defines himself by his work. He has been under severe pressure recently and I can't remember a day in the last 2/3 months when he hasn't worked (including weekends). I always tried to be supportive and had meals ready and cleaned to house etc. to try and ease some pressure which I didn't mind doing. He said this week that the more nice things I did the more guilty he feels. I feel like there's no winning.

I am completely lost and love him so much. He is the most kind, gentle and caring person.

Thank you to anyone that reads this

First of all, I’m very sorry to hear this. It must be such a difficult situation to navigate. You sound like a very sensible, understanding and caring person. Don’t forget to take care of yourself as well, you need it too right now.

You said you and him work together. Is it possible for him to get help through work, e.g. see a counsellor or something like this? I know some companies have counselling/hot lines for their employees that are struggling. Talking about self harm might mean he needs some help ASAP.

And I hope this doesn’t sound harsh, but please don’t feel like you are solely responsible for his life and wellbeing. I know it sounds cynical, please understand I am not trying to be, I just know from personal experience that sometimes we love a person so much we think we can control their whole life. You are doing what you can. Sending good thoughts your way, I hope it gets better for both of you soon

 

[StillLucilleBluth]

Hi everyone,

First time poster so hopefully I'm doing this correctly.

My boyfriend of 2 years who is severely depressed has broken up with me this week. I'm not sure what I'm looking for writing this but it may be cathartic to just type it out. He stopped seeing a therapist last year as his therapist left and he never got reassigned (through the public system). Contacting the office and/or GP was too much for him no matter how much I encouraged it. He said that he feels so unhappy all the time and that there's nothing that can help. He explained that he was a bad partner and couldn't give me the time, attention and engagement that I deserve. And although that may be true sometimes I was still incredibly happy with him and I feel completely broken.

I can't imagine not being with him. The day after we broke up I stayed with a friend and he rang me in tears apologising for hurting me and was talking about harming himself. I panicked and rang two friends to check on him as I was a bit further away. We also work together and he completely defines himself by his work. He has been under severe pressure recently and I can't remember a day in the last 2/3 months when he hasn't worked (including weekends). I always tried to be supportive and had meals ready and cleaned to house etc. to try and ease some pressure which I didn't mind doing. He said this week that the more nice things I did the more guilty he feels. I feel like there's no winning.

I am completely lost and love him so much. He is the most kind, gentle and caring person.

Thank you to anyone that reads this

I’m so sorry to read this. I had a breakup in February that had some similarities. My heart goes out to you. There is no pain like it. I read a phrase in the book “Wild” by Cheryl Strayed once (after another devastating breakup of a multi year relationship ) that talked about “almost levitating from the pain” and I was like yep, I totally get that.

You will get through it, but at the same time, I know that’s not much comfort at the moment.

Just sending you so much love. You are not alone.

 

[Maid22]

Hey @Agent Cooper

Stop wallowing

Get a glass of cold water, step outside in the dark and just take a moment to just breathe.

Or, take that glass of water up to bed, but some quiet music on, wash your face, brush your teeth, and get cosy xxx

I know you mean the wallowing in a good sense, but sometimes tis hard, a few years ago, I spent nearly 2 months in bed, I still have days like it now,

 

[Deanna]

Oh my lovely, you are struggling.
There is no but.
You are just as deserving of help as anyone else. Please don’t ever doubt that.

Feeling sad all of the time, or a lot of the time, doesn’t have to be something you just live with. There is help. You deserve that help.
We are a lovely bunch here. Well, I’m a bit hit and miss on how present I am dependent on my own broken brain But there’s always someone around x

Go to your GP. If you can’t find the words, show them what you’ve written here.
Don’t be embarrassed.

Talking therapy might help a lot to get to the bottom of, and then control of, the sadness, but waiting lists can be long.

Meds are another option. Your GP should talk it all over with you.

Sending love and a gentle hug x

I’m sorry I’m only quoting cuz I recognise your name from our other thread but I’m really really not coping right now. I’ve suffered MH for years and I’m going under again the sertraline isn’t helping anymore, I’ve 3 children relying on me, I’m alone in a part of the country miles from any support, I’ve found out today my mums got breast cancer (I’ve had cancer twice myself) and to top it all my bf who apparently couldn’t be with anyone right now I’ve discovered tonight has another gf on the go just to go with the never ending financial struggles and the fact he owes me about £2k I’ve not a prayer of ever seeing again. I feel like I’ve nowhere to turn I’ve asked for counselling due to a number of issues some caused by a terribly abusive violent relationship I was in and I’ve just reached that point where I’m just existing I don’t know what to do anymore all I do is cry when people aren’t looking and lately sometimes if they are. That’s why I get angry about the tend mental health on the other thread and why I’ve been keeping up with it all day just to distract I’ve got few friends and only 1 I can be really honest with. Any kind of advice would be really appreciated. Sorry for the massive rant. X

 

[Agent Cooper]

I'm having a real stressfull time at the moment, which I know will end up with me being bad, I don't know what to do about it, it's so frustrating, I'm still in bed, my head is mashed. Hoping to speak to someone later to get their take on the situation, but at this moment I just want to crawl away and hide.
Hugs to you all on here x

I am sorry to hear that, Maid22! I hope you find someone who can help you. You always have us here if you need someone to talk to!

Hope everyone is managing to stay afloat


I have therapy soon. Managed to email her yesterday and tell her I’m really not okay…
So am really anxious about this morning.

I’m sorry to hear you feeling this way, but congrats on reaching for help and getting therapy! Hope your therapist is lovely and can help you.
P.S. The flowers you’ve got are so beautiful

 

[Maid22]

Hi all, I’ve not been posting much here, but I really do hope everyone is as ok as can be.
Sometimes unsolicited advice, however well meaning, can be a bit much.

Hello lovely, how's you?
Understand what you mean, tis a shame it's put alot of folks from posting.

 

[FlipFlop0706]

Hi everyone.
Depression has utterly kicked my arse for years now and today is the final kick in the teeth.

Long story but Ive been studying via distance learning for a masters degree. Initially, the thought process for doing a masters would be that it would be good for me. I was hoping that I could basically push myself and achieve something in the hope it would raise my self esteem and show that I’m not stupid. Largely to start with, it was a good idea. I got out of my own head and had something to focus on and whilst not exactly excelling, I was passing the assignments.

So now, I’ve managed to get to the end and now just need to submit a dissertation to claim my masters but within the last year my mh has just completely plummeted again. As a result, I’ve had to take loads of leaves of absences as my mh has just been so low that I haven’t been able to sleep let alone concentrate. A few months ago, Uni got back in touch saying my leave of absence is now up and my deadline is on Tuesday to submit my dissertation.

So I’ve been working on it as best I can but today with the deadline looming I’ve just had a complete breakdown and just come to the end point where I have to accept that I can’t finish my masters. I just can’t do it with my mental health as it is. Everything I’ve written so far is just a complete mess and makes no sense. It won’t pass. I can’t ask for another leave of absence. So basically I’m at the pivotal end point and having to give up which just feels like another thing I’ve failed at. I’ve put everything i have left in to this and then failed at the most important part. I’ve wasted all those years as well as well as got myself into more student finance debt in the process which is so stupid.

Not sure why I’m putting this all here but I just needed to put it somewhere. I need to tell my tutor that I’m giving up but just the thought of doing that really hurts. I don’t want to deal with any of it. All I want to do is just hide away in bed. I’m just sick of trying so bloody hard all the time and then failing at the last hurdle.
I feel like I’ve set myself up for all this as well. I didn’t have to do this. All it’s done is prove how useless I am and how stupid I was to even think I could do this.