The Depression Thread #2

[StillLucilleBluth]

Stupid bloody brains being nasty to us and telling us lies. It’s so unfair.

Yup. My brain is currently telling me the company I’m interviewing with are “going quiet” since their last email, and that they’ll have decided I’m not even interview-worthy. Or they don’t have headcount any more. Argh. I wish I didn’t always believe good things would be taken away from me.

My GP is bloody amazing. I was with her about 20 minutes and left feeling like I actually have someone in my corner.

Happy to read this update and hear about the major progress you’ve made today! Maybe choc instead of wine? And regarding the GP bit - I thank the lord that I somehow ended up with a wonderful one too. The best I’ve ever had. I never feel rushed or dismissed. It makes the world of difference. (And it all stemmed from a recommendation someone on Tattle made, to ask my practice for an appointment with a GP who specialises in MH. It would never have occurred to me to do that, so yet again, Tattle comes through with the goods )

Saw this quote on Instagram this morning. It helped me go through my day and I hope it helps you go through yours too.

View attachment 1257408

This is beautiful. And the perfect mix of positive and practical. Thank you.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

My medication has just been increased again. I’m relatively new to Amitriptylene but my last phone consultation with the Psychiatrist and I just didn’t have the energy to try and put a spin on how I’m feeling (which I shouldn’t do anyway - it’s like when my Dad had a home help and he used to tidy up for her coming round!)

I’m going to be on medication for the rest of my life and that’s just the way it is. There are things I can do to help myself that I’m not always good at doing but I think it’s catch 22 - you feel shit and you can’t even be arsed doing what you know will help - the worse you feel.

It’s difficult to ‘care’ for people you don’t know but I can honestly say that when I read this thread, I sympathise or empathise with a lot and I think about you guys.

Does anyone else hate falling out with people? I haven’t fallen out with any of my friends since I left school (but the big difference is I don’t let people walk all over me or people please like I did then) but last night I said something that needed to be said from a place of love and she wasn’t happy. Threw it back in my face with a couple of insults and I’ve honestly barely slept.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Hello lovely, how's you?
Understand what you mean, tis a shame it's put alot of folks from posting.

I‘m ok thanks lovely maid, how’s you?
I‘m glad you know what I mean. I think this thread can be so helpful, but it’s harder to chat as freely now.

 

[Leafy Greens]

A sign my depression is getting worse or making a come back is when I wake up feeling really, really angry! I always feel better by the evenings but seriously, mornings are the absolute worse for me.

 

[Ray_of_Sunshine]

Yes! People are always shocked. I'm sorry you're going through a hard time.
What's more, people think you're ungrateful. If you're depressed on holiday, the price around you say "you're in a beautiful place with good food. What more can we do for you?!"
Depression doesn't care where you are...

Omg THIS!! My mum is really rubbing me up the wrong way at the mo with things like this. It’s really unhelpful “What now?” “what’s happened now?” “I thought we were past this” “You’ve got to be/think positive”

You just feel like a big fuck off burden and like oh ok let me just switch it on. Silly me! I’ve told her if one more person tells me to snap out of it and be positive I’ll ram their head through a wall

 

[Queenbee22]

I’m having a rough day.

it’s been such a horrible year for me. Painful breakup, chronic illness, fractured ankle all sorts. Then my best friend of 15 years and I have an extremely minor disagreement and she has now decided to completely cut me out, and blocked me on every single platform.

last night I had an evening with my family who insisted on talking about how amazing my cousin is with his new gorgeous girlfriend and all the holidays and social events he has. I have nothing now and I feel so low.

sorry I needed people to talk to x

 

[KawaiiSloth]

I spend like crazy when I’m upset/very low.. I’m usually great with money and love saving and being on budget. But I get in these moods where I just lose control, I just love spending

Me too . Especially when I can't sleep at night (which is almost every night), I just browse on websites like ASOS and buy s*** that I don't need.
And now i'm stressed about my financial situation, but feel like I can't stop spending.

 

[Agent Cooper]

Hello to all Must admit, this is my first time visiting this thread but I just had a quick question.

I'm no great expert in regards to depression, but I wondered, is it possible for a person to function pretty much as 'normal' on a regular basis but be suffering with a kind of chronic low-grade/mild depression? And this would be very much a situational depression that's gone on for years.

I wondered if this is something that is a thing and if anyone has had any experience or any opinions?

Hi there, welcome to this thread!

To answer your question, it’s absolutely possible to be ‘secretly’ depressed. I think most of us here go about our business pretending we are okay even when we are not. I myself prefer not to share my struggles with anyone but my best friend (and the lovely people on here).
If you feel like you would benefit from getting help, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Nobody needs to struggle alone! For most people, it is possible to get better or at least learn some coping techniques once actually diagnosed.

Struggling here. Too many things going on and I can’t cope with anything else.

I cried at the vet yesterday. Not my finest moment. My beautiful dog has to have further surgery on Tuesday and I’m so scared This is after the emergency one 3 weeks ago.

Feel like I’m shouting at my kids constantly and wish they would just bloody listen. I have no patience and am struggling with rage.

I’m so sorry to hear that! Sounds like you have a lot going on, no wonder you feel so overwhelmed and stressed. Please don’t be too hard on yourself, you are clearly doing your best in this difficult situation ! I will keep your lovely dog in my thoughts, I hope everything goes well on Tuesday!

 

[Pollyanna263]

I’m going out today into the real world and I am terrified.

It’s my best friend’s wedding. I have to go. I want to go. It’s actually just the reception as they got married in New York two weeks ago, so this is a very relaxed evening thing. But I feel on the very edge of a panic attack.

I’m dropping my eldest to my mum, my youngest (and the dog) to his dad (which in itself is a stress), and then I’m carrying on from there. The drive itself is long. I’m not ready to leave home and I’m already exhausted - you know when your eyes are heavy and your brain is just off?

I do want to go. This is my very best friend. We have been through so much. She would understand completely if I said I couldn’t face it, and she would absolutely respect that, but I can’t.

I know I’m pushing myself too far, but I’m in this situation where I know I will feel worse (like a failure) if I don’t go.

 

[StillLucilleBluth]

Does anyone else, when they’re in a low place, get really annoyed when other people “want things from them”? Not quite the right words, but essentially I have four big things coming up (like weddings / events / guests - nice things that I should look forward to) and I just want to tell everyone to leave me alone. I’m feeling out of control because I’m waiting for interview dates for a job I really want, it’s been dragging on for ages and I really bloody don’t want to be going to weddings and all day events and having people to stay, I just want to focus on preparing for the interviews and I’m really good at doing lots of things at once. I just want to tell everyone to go away, and then I feel guilty and ungrateful for thinking that, and so on and so forth… ugh.

 

[Jotham]

Just discovered this thread and wanted to drop in and say hi and send my support to you all! It's nice to know that a thread like this exists on Tattle Life. I myself struggle a lot with depression and anxiety. Mine moreso comes with a lack of direction and purpose in my life right now, things have been difficult for me since I graduated college, but it's been especially difficult since I had graduated during the middle of the pandemic.

I don't have experience at all with medication, I coped in college by going to a therapist and now I mostly rely on CBT. I've also been thinking of implementing mindfulness more into my daily life.

 

[Good Egg]

I just wanted to say thank you for the replies I’ve received. I will make that GP appointment. I want to feel more hopeful. I want to get better. I had a breakdown in 2015. I woke up and everything was dark. It was like I couldn’t recognise who I was or what was looking at me in the mirror. It was truly frightening.

The overeating I believe for me stems from comfort and control. I grew up with a narcissistic family (very controlling) food was and still is the only thing I have control over. Nobody can see it, and you can keep it well hidden from others. Nobody knows how much I’ve eaten.
I’m quite lonely. I’ll sit in my car on my lunch break and stuff lots of food in half an hour. It’s almost like I can’t feel hunger or if I’m full. I just eat and eat and eat. Forbidden foods. Growing up I was told I wasn’t allowed cheese, I eat a lot of cheese. We never had burgers or fast food. I eat these in excess. Cakes biscuits and sweets. I’d think nothing of buying a quiche and eating it all in one go. I’m actually ashamed of how much I eat sometimes.
I just wish I could break the cycle

 

[MANDATORY]

How would you explain to a receptionist at your doctors when they ask what’s the issue etc that you’re concerned about your mental health? I know it sounds really stupid but that’s the one major thing that’s putting me off ringing them because our receptionists aren’t that nice, but I really feel like I’m on the verge of a huge breakdown

TW-

Spoiler: Cancer

Cancer

my dad has recently been diagnosed with oesophageal cancer & we find out the stage of it Monday coming up & last year my mum had a cancer scare, she had a melanoma a few years back, they got rid of it but she took a huge turn for the worst last year I was honestly worried of waking up and her not being here for how unwell she was, we’ve been having problems with one of our neighbours that’s causing stress and fear quite a lot (aggression aggressive behaviour, intimidation & stuff like that) along with this I’ve been having so much pain with my stomach & I know there’s something not right, my entire body aches every day (I’m 20 I don’t think it’s normal) sometimes I fall/legs just give way, my hair is falling out in huge clumps & every day I’m having these horrific head pains / migraines that are so bad I hate being here & having all this weight on me, so it feels like. I’m on fluoxetine 20mg & propranolol for anxiety and them little pink pills have saved me so many times but I’m having to take them way more often due to anxiety and my heart racing off it’s scary, my hands shake so so bad I don’t know why but I think I’ve got a tremor but feel like doctors won’t believe me but when I’ve been in hospitals etc waiting forresults a lot of the professionals picked up on how extreme my hands were shaking uncontrollably.

I’m hardly sleeping well which seems to be a ongoing thing but if I do manage to sleep it’s for a long time & I still wake up feeling ‘worn out’ I’m struggling even taking care of myself I couldn’t tell you the last time I brushed my hair and it’s been about two weeks since I even brushed my teeth which isn’t nice to read but I’m really struggling lately & I don’t know what to do

I’m more bloody scared of ringing my doctor to have to try and explain what the issue is to the receptionist because I get anxious I end up sort of stalling and not making sense at all. I’m randomly crying all the time, I have no idea why. I’m even crying right now. I can just be sat quiet, and the next minute I’m in absolute tears & Idon’t know why. I just feel so lost at the moment & there’s so much pressure in my head (I’ve been having this & pain in my head for 2/3 months, had a brain mri done and everything seemed okay) I feel like my heads going to explode every single day. I’m feeling so nauseas & sometimes even throwing up multiple times a week & have no idea why. I tried speaking to the doctor about it, they gave me some sickness tablets and that was that really.. then they wanted to do a review of why I’m even on them & im so scared of them taking me off them because of how bad the sickness I get is & nausea, they help me so much but I know something isn’t right with me but I don’t know how I push to get help.

Hello Sweetheart.. I don't know how to help you.. only here to say I'm on the same medication as you... diagnosed with ptsd...and I struggle to keep my head above water more than I care to admit...
The only advise I have and it comes from my heart and from experience...and I fail miserably to take my own advise....
Try to be lovely to yourself... forgive yourself for each time you upset everyone around you... they don't understand ... but everyone who has taken the time to reply to this thread I imagine does. Giving you big hugs and love xxxxx

 

[Fanny Muchmore]

You sound like you have a lot going on and have had a lot going on for a while. I definitely think that counselling would be the right way forward, particularly to talk about the lack of travel and your beloved dog passing.

You dealing with your illness is also a big thing and your counsellor can help with that. When you write all these things down, can you see how much you are dealing with and that sometimes our brains just say “no”.

Is there anything you and your husband can do to make up for the lack of the big trip? Small days out, meals?

So sorry you feel like this. Sending hugs

He says he will try and get us out on daytrips, which I appreciate, but it's hard to feel excited about it when I was supposed to be going to America which I've dreamed of for years and I've been so excited for since last year.

 

[Rjaggers]

The neighbours at the back of our garden are having a big party right now. I can hear all the music laughter and happiness. It’s making me so sad when I think about my own life. I can’t remember the last time I laughed. I spend most days crying. Currently lying in the dark under the duvet. Don’t worry about replying to this if you guys are busy just wanted to write it down I suppose. I hope everyone here is okay as can be x

I sympathise, this sort of feeling is so relatable. It’s horrible seeing groups of friends out having fun while you are in bed wishing that was you. That’s why I hate social media because that’s where everyone shows off parties and festivals that you aren’t part of. It’s horrible isn’t it, makes you feel so alone. I promise you aren’t the only one in that position x

 

[Pollyanna263]

I’ve found writing poems helps me to get the noise out of my head. Never ever done anything like that before and no idea what made me start now! But somehow putting the words out there, actually acknowledging how I feel, seems to release a bit of pressure.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Sending you .

The last two days have been awful. I have got back into bad behaviours, like you, the things that “should” make a difference feel shit and I want to sit on the sofa in my joggers and watch breaking bad in its entirety.

When I feel like this, it is like 2 1/2 years ago is rearing its head. Those feelings are knocking at the door and it is taking every single ounce of my strength not to let them in. I have to not eat everything, not restrict, not curl in a ball and want to hide from the world. The pressure in my chest is huge. Even writing this is causing pain.

Sorry to be a misery. Particularly on a long weekend when we are all meant to be having the most fun ever.

To those that are struggling, . To those that are having time with family or friends, .

Xxx

Please don’t apologise for feeling how you are, it doesn’t matter if it’s May Day, Christmas Day, Mardi Gras or a shitey Tuesday, you feel how you do and that’s it.

I hadn’t seen you in Monroesville and I thought you were having an elected few days off the chaos. Sorry to hear it’s been so rough. I truly hope today has been better for you

Never think you talk too much about anything . That is what this place is here for.

Spoiler: AA mentions

I can’t meaningfully comment on the ins and outs (I hate to try to comment if I have no direct experience) of what you have said, but from my point of view, your journey and her journey are entirely separate and that with something like AA, where you may start the journey seemingly together, you have to take your own path. Sorry if this is coming across badly, sometimes I cannot express myself well .

You are obviously such a caring person and I have no advice with regards to taking on the emotions of others or the over thinking about everything (I wish my brain would stop, just once), but I have been reading a lot about us only taking responsibility for our own behaviours and emotions and doing what we know is right. We cannot be responsible for those of others if we act within our moral code. That is all very well me saying this (as I continue to stress about why I feel like I have no one to talk to) but you did do the right thing here.

To @barmcake thankyou and the others that struggle on a sunny day. Yes! It is like the weather is giving us a big sweary thing and telling us that we should feel extra rubbish when everyone around us is enjoying themselves even more.

@Pollyanna263 - sending dog love. The worry can really add up.

I’ve just caught up - I was reading all the posts out of order and getting myself confused.

@Pollyanna263 any update on your pooch?

@Eeyore147 good to see you and congrats on making it down the stairs, that’s huge! Every time I see anything Winnie the Pooh, it reminds me of watching The Chase with my husband:

Q - which WTP character is named after AA Milne’s son?
H - Tigger. Funnily enough…it was Christopher Robin .

@Into_the_tunnel thank you, I always get what you mean! And you’ve hit the nail on the head, we are on different paths for just now anyway and as much as I worry, I can’t make her walk the same path as me. I was working this morning so I feel less anxious.

Lots of love everyone

 

[puddleduck]

I've just popped in to say hello. Have looked for some place like this for a while.
Same as most of you i am sure, good days and very bad days, never in any order.
Will be supportive where i can and it's good to know you are all here.
Be safe all of you.

 

[star_star]

Does anyone else just wish they could sleep all the time. I hate being awake it’s too painful. Wish I could just sleep all day but I struggle with staying asleep. I only get really bad broken sleep with a few hours here and there

Some days my first thought after waking up is to count in how many hours I'll be able to go back to bed.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I am not doing well tbh. Does anyone else know what I’m talking about when I say how depression really messes up your life?

The way my mind is at the moment, I don’t really care about anything. The “real me” still does though. But I just let everything get screwed over. It’s like a form of self-sabotage or ”mild” self-harm.

There‘s part of me that wants to pull though (thankfully), but the other part doesn’t care. I’ve stopped taking my antidepressants because I’m so done with them not working and just making me tired.

In the past I would look for an antidepressant with different side effects, and speak to my psychiatrist, and try that. But now I’ve just given up.

It’s so shit because I’ve started to have dreams and ambitions, but what’s the point, when I can’t even deal with adult responsibilities just now, and I don’t even know where to start, because I’ve just let so many things go wrong.