The advice thread for random problems #5

[littlepup]

Spoiler: OT delivery driver story

I worked b2b sales when Citylink was around. I'd receive complaints about them daily as would everyone else in the office, it was almost a competition of what useless thing they'd do next. There was someone in customer service whos whole job was complaints liason.
One day I received a call "Hi Littlepup? Erm, yeah, your delivery driver has just done a hit and run. They reversed into someone, knocked them over and drove off" - The person was OK. I won the best worst Citylink delivery

 

[Doodlebug005]

Hi loves 🫶 I can’t think of a better place to ask this question as I don’t have many friends. I guess I’m looking for people to tell me it’s okay (when it’s probably not.
Here’s my dilemma. I was with my (now ex) boyfriend for almost 5 years. Things had been rocky for about 6 months and I knew I had to end it but we had a holiday together so I thought I’d stick it out until then, who knows, it could be a phase. Anyways, I went away on a girls holiday and ended up sleeping with a guy. I then came off the trip and ended it with my partner less than 3 days later… if someone were to ask me “have you ever cheated?” What would you say? Technically I mean I did but, there were circumstances… I ended for other reasons very quickly after and was going to anyways. The night with this guy was absolutely not planned nor did I think in a million years I’d do it. Idk i guess I’m looking for some help with now dating life… thank you 🫶

I’d say no because A) It’s no ones business what I do B) I don’t have to explain my actions to anyone
and C) I want a quiet life and “confessing” would stir up drama

 

[littlepup]

yh thats true, it's just I have been compared to this person and their achievements/milestones and now they got thier next one so it feels like a stab in the heart and i cannot shake the feeling off.

Just try to remember that these “achievements” are as judged by a society interested in tick boxes. A degree is celebrated but what about the 4 years career progression you have when not doing one? A marriage can of course be wonderful but is it not better to know you’ve never “settled” just to get a tick in that box if you’ve not found the right person? I’m not saying take away from the other person’s achievement, but just because you can’t buy a card at Clinton’s for whatever you have, doesn’t mean it’s not to be celebrated or an achievement in itself. Happiness, self love, being comfortable in your own company, knowing your worth, not being stuck in the system, having your own freedoms…. These are the things I want for my daughter. Yes the traditional milestones would be nice too but if she can grow up with peace of mind, confidence and the courage of her convictions that would be better imo than any “milestone” achievement. I know plenty of people who have the milestones under their belt but they’re no happier than those that don’t but are comfortable with that\don’t want them anyway. There’s no one set path to suit everyone.

 

[freshhead]

Advice please ladies….

Over the weekend I went to a bbq that my friends (let’s call them M and A
- who are also my neighbours) hosted.
Half way through the night M could hear other neighbours at the bottom of our road having some kind of party, and decided she would invite them round to join us. They didn’t know eachother but had said hello in passing.
Later on into the evening I was getting to know one of the new neighbours (let’s call her R) and we seemed to be getting on really well.
We then started to discuss having a party and how it might affect the neighbours. I said well, M lives here, I live next door and A lives the other side, so you’d only have to worry about the neighbours behind you. Something about me saying that got her back up and she questioned what I said leading me to repeat myself. It got her back up even more and out of no where she jumped on me and started attacking me.
The chair I was on fell backward and I fell with it into a bbq. M ran off into her front room whilst all this was happening, and A and others broke up what had by then turned into a fight.
R left the house along with her partner and another neighbour she’d bought with her.
I stayed for a few more hours and went home.
The next morning I woke up covered head to toe in bruises. I never received any message from either M or A asking if I was ok. Later on that day I messaged M to ask if R had been and spoken to her or given her an apology considering it was her house it had all happened in. She said she’d seen her and that R had apologised to her. I asked if she had said anything about attacking me and she said that R hadn’t mentioned anything about it. I sat there for a while thinking about the situation, wondering why M not only hadn’t messaged me about speaking to R, but also why she hadn’t said something along the lines of, thanks for the apology, but you also really need to be apologising to my mate. I told her it didn’t feel right that R had apologised to her and not me and she said that playing devils advocate there could be many reasons why she hadn’t been to apologise to me.
Prior to this I’d had messages from M telling me it was just a drunken scrap and I needed to let it go and not dwell on it. I explained to her that nobody had put their hands on me since my abusive ex, and that I’d felt really triggered and upset. M has told me that she doesn’t want any trouble with neighbours and wants to get on with everyone. She can’t see where I’m coming from at all or seems interested at all about how I feel and it’s been made out to be a ‘brush it under the carpet’ type scenario, where I should let it go so she can go enjoy a new friend.

Am I in the wrong here to be feeling the way I do? I’ve since been called a drama queen and told I need to build a bridge and get over it. That just because I’ve had M’s back in certain situations (that she’s not asked me to) and I shouldn’t expect it back, otherwise I’m doing something kind, not for the sake of being kind but because I want it back. I don’t have a friends back out of kindness, I have a friends back out of loyalty for the friendship.

I wasn’t expecting M to get involved or have any problems come her way from the neighbours, but I would expect a friend to at least say to the neighbour they owe me an apology. Three days have passed since it happened and yesterday M was round at R’s having coffee. Apparently I’ve shown my true colours because if something doesn’t go my way I throw my dummy out the pram and she no longer wants a friendship with me.
Really trying to figure out if I’m in the wrong here for feeling how I do and for bringing up how I feel. Personally I wouldn’t want to get to know anyone who had attacked my friend out of no where for no reason, regardless if they were a neighbour or not and regardless if it was a ‘drunken scrap’ as M calls it.
I’d make sure my friend was alright and at least let the dust settle before getting in with the new neighbour.
How would you feel in this situation and am I just being over dramatic with how I feel?

 

[JoeBloggs]

Three months ago I was a victim of a crime. Went to police who were at the time of reporting helpful and sympathetic. BIT I wasn’t given a reference number or any paper. A week later I was assigned the same officer as the person who committed the crime. Person breached bail but officer refused to do anything as “no point”. This officer last rang me two months ago to say they’d let me know what was going on. Nothing since, except 111 refused to come see me as the property can only be visited with armed police.

All day I’ve had calls from an unknown number (police told me not to answer withheld or unknown numbers) which I’ve answered and was asked how satisfied I am with how my case WAS handled.

Am devastated.

I’ve told no one the details, and no one knows the number except police who have put on their social media yesterday how they’re zero tolerance to what I went through and, a victim support policy which is a load of rubbish.

I don’t know what to do. Thoughts?

Make a formal complaint and get it investigated. There are processes which they clearly haven’t followed.

 

[Clickbait]

Hello all. Some of you might remember my strange elderly neighbour who moved away and left her cat with me - I had a long peaceful summer with no messages from her. Got some today:

View attachment 3131152
Blurred out is the name of the cat, not as he's under witness protection but because it's an unusual name and I'd like to keep this account private

She hasn't reached out once, so I don't know how she can claim she's heart broken. I think she's a narcissist through and through, and is looking for drama and a way to play the victim more than anything.

So... how would you respond to this in a way that doesn't escalate her emotions or encourage her? She's shown some stalking tendencies before, which makes simply blocking her a little difficult - I still live at the same address that she knows, and has admitted to coming round uninvited (thankfully I was out).

The best way to lose people like this is to bore them into submission. They want the oxygen of attention, if you ignore them they can go off the deep end. So be perfunctory, answer only what they ask, don’t ask any questions back. When they realise they’re not getting the attention they move onto someone else.

I’d suggest sending a photo of the cat, saying they are fine as are your mum and dog. You hope she’s settled in well to her new home.

If she responds straight away leave it at least 3 days before replying. Again keep it brief, answer her questions, do not ask any of your own, keep the conversation closed down.

I managed to offload someone who turned out to be a total nightmare narcissist using this method. If I’d have tried to block I dread to think what they would have done given some of the stories they shared on enacting revenge on people for very minor things. They completely lost interest in me and blocked me on social media pretending they were taking a break from it!

 

[klarakluckbag]

No I don't know him other than him being my mechanic. I've only been driving since 2021 so fairly new a driver

Maybe you should text back that you've "heard" that he's only a 2/10 in the sack, and so you don't want to waste your vast sexual experience on such a loser? Oh, and definitely find a new mechanic. What a prick

 

[Lizziebox]

Hi everyone,
Bit of a long-winded one I apologise! I've (F27) been with my current boyfriend (M27) for around 9 months and we are just about to move in together. My family and most of my friends absolutely adore him and think we are perfect together. For context, my six year relationship with my ex ended pretty traumatically last year and everyone is thrilled to see me happy and being treated how I deserve, I truly have never been happier.

However, there has been an ongoing situation over a couple of months that has been upsetting me. My boyfriend and my best mate (F27) went to school together, they have known each other their whole lives. They didn't keep in touch after school but have obviously now rekindled as a result of our relationship. A few months ago on a night out, my best friend started to really criticise my boyfriends best mate and his relationship (both of whom she also went to school with). It was totally uncalled for and she should have known better than to slag off someone's best friend in front of them. My boyfriend was upset about it and had a conversation with his friend about what she'd said and he was understandably upset. We bumped into them a couple of weeks later where my best friend continued to talk about their relationship in front of him, despite me trying to change the subject a million times.

Cut to a few months later, we were on a night out (me, my best friend and my partner), when we bumped into my boyfriends best mate and his girlfriend. They ignored each other until the end of the night when they were leaving and her sister deliberately barged into my friend which was totally uncalled for. My friend was upset and my boyfriend had a frank conversation with her where he did tell her that he was upset by the comments she had made about his best friend, so he had told him and he was clearly upset by it. We were both mortified by the sister's behaviour and are in no way excusing that. My friend was grateful for the honesty, even though she was upset that he'd told his friend what she'd said (although I'd argue that if someone was saying those things about my best friend, I would also want her to know). She also made it very clear that she didn't want us to speak to the other couple about what had happened. We cleared the air and I thought the situation was in the past.

A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriends best mate and his partner got engaged and they had an impromtu engagement party. I didn't tell my best friend as I didn't think she'd want to hear about two people she doesn't like getting engaged/thought she would annoyed if it looked like I was 'asking permission' to go. Cut to this weekend, when she saw photos of the party and was incredibly upset. She called me and said that if it was her, she wouldn't have gone to the party at all and that it looked like I was 'choosing' to be mates with them because that's what my boyfriend wants, despite how it makes her feel. I tried to make it very clear that I'm not 'choosing' to be friends with them, but as they are my boyfriend's best friends I am going to have to be around them. I apologised for not letting her know about the party and that I appreciated for her, it looked shady even though in that moment I really thought I was doing the right thing. By the end of the conversation, she accepted (I think) that I am going to have to see them as a result of them being my boyfriends friends and that I will be transparent about when that is happening in the future, but it doesn't mean that I'm best friends with them or excusing their behaviour.

However, as an anxious soul I feel like I'm now just constantly on edge about it all. I can totally appreciate that she is upset and her feelings are valid, but I do think she's putting me in an impossible situation. My boyfriend is here to stay and as a result, so are his friends. I will never be best friends with them but as a fact of life, I am going to have to see them.

Any advice on how you would handle this/how I can stop feeling so anxious about this situation would be really appreciated!!

TLDR: Best friend making me feel guilty for spending time with boyfriends friends

personally your friend has made the error with gossiping. She doesn’t have a right to be upset, whereas if it was the couple gossiping about her I’d understand her feelings more.
You are happy, she needs to stop potentially interfering with that and causing disruption. she needs to like it and lump it.

 

[tomato_paste]

I’ve been feeling very low these last couple of weeks and I have my appraisal at work tomorrow. I’ve got to write about all the things I’ve done, and my achievements etc but with my low mood I’m finding it really difficult to write anything.

I feel like I’ve achieved nothing and I’m a crap worker. Every time I try to write anything positive there’s just this voice telling me I’m not good enough and I’m bad at my job. I feel like if I write anything positive my manager will just laugh in my face and tell me I’m scum.

She won’t do that but my brain is not functioning correctly and I feel so down about it.

I’m stuck in this awful rut and it’s really lonely.

Well even if it feels like a lie, write about yourself positively anyway. It's work, not a relationship, so don't even feel bad about it. You don't have to believe it yourself to market yourself. Treat it like something depersonalised - what would a marketing person write to sell you? Take a look at your work records, documents, emails - anything that got praise or stood out? If you don't believe yourself, take what others have told you as your starting point.

I think it would help looking at who's voice it is that you hear. Who in your life made you feel this way about yourself? Because you sound awfully harsh with yourself. Is that voice realistic or is that voice also bullshitting you? What's it's goal? To stop you from feeling good about yourself? To save you from disappointment if your own view of yourself doesn't align with what other people see? To keep you small and compliant? Dig into it a bit, maybe that helps.

 

[Grizzlybear]

I manage a holiday let cottage - it’s not mine, I just do it on behalf of the owners. While I do go there regularly before and after every changeover and often at other times to restock stores or check stuff, I’m getting a bit fed up with being blindsided by things coming up in the reviews which could have been resolved before had I known about them. It’s also vanishingly rare for anyone to tell me they’ve broken something.

Forex, someone has just marked us down because the toaster didn’t work. I had no idea the toaster was broken because no one had mentioned it and taking a slice of bread to test it every time is not something I’d automatically think to do.

I‘ve been thinking about a book to report any issues/comments but then do I want guests reading that back? No. So I thought of a suggestion box with a note on it saying please let us know if you find anything broken, if you think something is missing or you have a suggestion what we could include.

If you stayed in a self catering place, what would you think of seeing a suggestion box? Would you use it?

I would just… let people know? Like I think normal people would? People are so weird, are you psychic?!

 

[JoeBloggs]

I agree, I could have asked but usually, when it’s exchange only, stores have a plaque on the till advising customers of this. I’ve also bought items from this brand before and it was always full refund, hence the reason I did not ask.

I think it might be worth mentioning to them it would be useful to have a sign noting ‘our returns policy has changed’. Matalan did this for a while when they changed theirs.

While sly, nothing wrong with the practice and the onus would be on you to check as legally they don’t have to offer any returns or exchange policy when bought in store.

 

[bozlem3080]

Can anyone give me some advice please, my ex boyfriend has bail conditions not to contact me, he still does….through email, some are quite nasty, I’ve been to the police station today to report more of them, he even has family members trying to follow me on social media, his bail is up late this month & I’m scared he will come to my place of work or my home (these are also his bail conditions not to come near me) he has attacked me in public previously so isn’t scared really of anything, I’ve just received another email saying he has seen me in town today & was going to approach me but weirdly these emails are addressed to someone else let’s say ‘Peter’ so the email will start off ‘hi Peter’ then carry on, but the emails are sent to both my email addresses so it’s not an accident!

 

[TheGlossy]

Not a problem per se but an annoyance.

I’m honestly sick of recruiters reaching out asking if I’d be interested in discussion opportunities only for them to disappear into thin air when I express my interest & give them my availability for a phone call.

It’s happened to me three times in the past week. Extremely frustrating.

 

[Snippysnips]

So I've finally decided to try find a therapist for some help with some lack of motivation/self esteem issues I have - I have a free intro call with one soon and it's just a 30 min chat to see what's what and if I'd like to book with her services but I'm so nervous? I don't really know what to say and how to really sum up what I want help with...
Does anyone have any insights as to how these introductory calls usually go?

I work at a private therapy, totally get why you are nervous but really nothing to be nervous about, your therapist will know this an will also know the exact things to ask an say, usually our first chats go about the same, you get asked your details, name, age, address, married/single, kids etc, this is to basically build your file, ours files also have a set amount of questions as well, sometimes it can feel a bit personal but with us everyone gets asked the same questions, usually it's have you ever had therapy before, what's the reason for it, what are your goals with coming, your hobby's etc

Everyone is different, sometimes our therapists will talk a bit more on whatever as with someone else talking it can be easier to join in or they will let you just unload if you need too, you'd be surprised with how many say they aren't sure because they don't know what to talk about an then they end up talking a ton, so wouldn't worry about it

One of the things we do mention as well is don't feel bad if you don't feel like you are comfortable/getting on with the therapist, we have a few at ours an all have totally different personalities/vibes an feel different to be around, all are lovely but even myself I will open up more to certain ones or joke about with certain ones, it's important that you sort of bond with your therapist as if you don't feel comfortable or happy then you aren't going to naturally open up an will withhold a lot, it's hard to tell on a phone call but if you don't instantly feel at peace (not the nervous kind) when going in to see them then let then know, a good therapist understands everyone has to go with who they feel are right for them

 

[Snippysnips]

Scenario: About a month ago, I was pulled into a meeting and told that junior staff felt that I was unhelpful when they asked for advice, they didn't like working with me and found my attitude 'off putting' and 'unprofessional' [personally, my view is the complete opposite - they have been frequently rude to me when I've offered any advice that they have bothered to ask for, I have never ever been unprofessional with any of them and often they ignore me in the office unless they want me to do something they don't want to do, which I relayed back to my manager in the meeting].

Today and yesterday they were talking for ages amongst themselves [whilst I was sat there, just minding my own] about several colleagues who aren't in our team, but are in our wider service. About how they're faking medical issues to avoid doing extra shifts, how they want to now 'fake being sick enough to not bother working too' and complaining about how hard done by they are. I happen to know one of the individuals they were talking about quite well - didn't let on that I do - and know that the health issues they have are longstanding and quite complex (not that either way that would make it ok).

I would like to raise this with my manager but I fear it looks like I'm being petty and trying to find something to throw back at them. They move onto new teams soon - one will be working with one of the people they were talking about - and I suspect they'll probably run their mouths there too, so it'll probably be dealt with without my involvement anyway, but I'm not sure how to play it.

My dad always taught me "give someone enough rope an they will hang themselves" personally if it's not going to directly impact you or your work I'd leave them, eventually their mouths will say something to the wrong person an they will get their comeuppance

I know how much is sucks to stand back when you really do what to say screw it an land them in it, but if it's going to make you the one that ends up looking bad then let them go, what goes around comes around an they will land themselves in it soon enough

 

[Donald23]

Absolutely go back to the salon and have a moan. I assume you're not going to use them again @Donald23 so what's to lose?.

Can you get low lights put through? A brown may look dull and patchy.
---
If two adults get joint National Trust membership can one of them visit separately or go they always have to visit together?

I went with a box dye and now look more normal. Brown with slight highlights, instead a full head of yellow hair

 

[Kim Mild]

So, not really problems, but more so what should I do pertaining to two similar situations.

1. A former flatmate I haven’t seen in 4 years reached out yesterday asking to go for coffee. We got along quite well until some girl moved in. She and I didn’t get along, so when she moved out, he almost blamed me for it. I ended up moving out too. I don’t have any animosity towards him. It’s water under the bridge. Should I meet him for coffee?

2. This senior person who moved on to a new role months ago, reached out out saying ‘Hope all is well. know if you ever want to catch-up’. Now, this person and I never had direct one to one catch-ups or calls before, but they were in my immediate network. I responded ‘I’d be great to catch-up some time. When would you be available’. Never got an answer. I’m sure they’re busy but it’s a bit weird.

What should I do on 1 and think of 2?

Reply to person 1 saying something vague like it would be good to catch up. Then arrange depending on their response.

Person 2 probably wants/ needs something from you . They have an agenda , you are either useful to them or they are very nosy.

 

[Lalla]

I've got my very own place and am mortgage free, but I would sign it over to you or anyone in a trice for just an hour with my beloved and much missed mother X

Same here I honestly think if my mum was still alive I'd never have left home

 

[littlepup]

Life just seems too much today. It’s about this time of the evening I start to wobble. I’ve been out today. Got a coffee alone, scrolled socials, popped to the library and got some new books, did a good food shop. Cooked a lovely meal for me and my son who’s gone out now. I just feel so lonely. I’m early forties. Last night I couldn’t sleep. I walked around my neighbourhood... lovely to see couples snuggling on the sofa watching TV. I came home to an empty house again.
They say fill your cup. I’ve been doing that for decades. Ive been single and happy for ages. I’ve volunteered, travelled, worked more than one job, worked on new hobbies. I just feel, I know this is it for me now and it makes me so incredibly sad... I don’t need a partner to make me happy I know that, it’s just I crave a connection, a cuddle just someone to share hopes and dreams with and support each other you know? If I hear one more cliche or another person in a happy relationship tell me you’ll find someone I’ll go mad!
I’m just finding things tough at the moment. Not sure if it’s perimenopause related or the fact I’ve been hurt by someone who I thought would always be there...
Evenings are the worst... I’ve been trying to go to bed earlier and wake earlier. I’m trying to focus on me. It’s so tough

It sounds like you're a wonderful person with a very fulfilled life and lots to offer. I know nothing can replace the connection of another person to share it with right now but you are so well placed if you do meet someone it's because you want to, not need to given your ability to thrive as a single person, the foundations are there for it too be really healthy.
Sometimes being so capable on your own means people think you're not looking, have you actively been looking? I think you have to really make it known rather than just being in the right place and available. Have you joined any dating apps or told friends?

 

[holly1727373!3]

Hi Guys,

Hopefully you don’t mind me posting here but i’m not sure where else to go for advice. I’m hoping I won’t ramble on too much but here i go.

I started a new job at the start of the year with a couple of other new starters. I got on really well with a guy here and we became friends quickly, at the time he had recently broken up with his girlfriend. A few months passed and i started hanging around with his friends and him and we really started to like each other. Only recently though have we started going on dates as we didn’t want to rush anything. These dates have all been great and we both still really like each other.

However, one of the other new starters at work has been acting strange recently. She and I were close friends until over the last few weeks when my opinion of her has really changed. She’s 50 and i’m in my early twenties. I pinpoint the change in her behaviour to when i told her me and the guy had been on a proper date. Before this she was very supportive of me and nice. I’m going to list her odd behaviours since this though:

1) she pointed out a scar on my arm and asked if i was going to get it covered, i said no and she replied with ‘ew, i definitely would’

2) constantly talking about a boob job she had when she was younger (she’s never mentioned in before now but recently hasn’t stopped)

3) pointed out a spot i had when in a conversation with me and the guy

4) i had an awful migraine that lingered for a few days, she copied every symptom but made a huge deal about it in front of the guy

5) started talking to him in a strange baby voice? whilst perched on his desk

6) stormed out of work nearly crying so he’d follow her (which he did)

7) constantly texting him about the football despite not knowing as much as she thinks she does and consistently calling lamine yamal jamal…

8) just constantly pointing out my flaws in front of him

She recently mentioned how she’s not been sleeping with her boyfriend as he’s not interested so i’m wondering if that’s why her behaviour is so strange but it seems like odd timing? I was one of few people in work who liked her until this and she’s still following me around constantly.

Me and the guy might go to make a coffee together or go shop at lunch just to spend some time together but she keeps following us and just not allowing us any alone time. He hasn’t noticed and doesn’t see her as anything but nice and if i point it out i’m just going to look jealous. I’m just not sure what i’m supposed to do? He’s not my boyfriend yet either so i feel like i have even less of a right to say something. She’s went from someone i really liked and trusted to making snide remarks so suddenly.

She spends a lotttttt of time in the pub with a bunch of guy friends and doesn’t seem to have any meaningful female friendships. I hate the term but she’s like a 50 year old pick me…

I’m just not sure what exactly i’m supposed to do? i’m not into confrontation but i fear that if she carries on i’ll blow up on her or it’ll affect my relationship with the guy.