You wait at home forma phone call to say if it went well and then if allowed you go and see her.
My dad had bypass surgery years ago and there really is no point hanging round the hospital.
Just ensure you are available
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My dad had bypass surgery years ago and there really is no point hanging round the hospital.
Just ensure you are available
Thank you, I appreciate the help
I hope your mum's surgery goes well today!
Thank you, very nervous but hoping for the best
Hi all, new to this thread but have a very lengthy problem I need some advice on. Please see below:
Backstory: I have been with my partner for 8 years, we have one 5 year old child together and have had a very happy relationship. Like all couples, we have had minor issues but they have been about things like lack of communication etc, nothing too testing. We have had friends describe us as a “perfect little family” and my partner is described by everyone as all things good.
Two weeks ago, I decided to have a little snoop through his phone. I really did trust him, I just had this intuition that night to have a look while he was asleep. I noticed a new app was downloaded. It was yahoo mail, so obviously I clicked it.
There were tons of receipts for a webcam website, so I confronted him and he admitted to it instantly. He was very apologetic and said that it started one night because he got a bit bored of porn when I was out one time and saw an ad for the website so clicked it. He signed up and tried it out of curiosity which led to him having a huge addiction. He also admitted to having subscribed to a couple of people on onlyfans.
The worst part is, this addiction started in January 2018, and he has been doing it consistently since. That’s 6 years of our 8 year relationship. Our sex life has always been good, and he agrees too, he said it was never something that I wasn’t giving him. He just became addicted and would go through the guilt and regret every time but couldn’t stop.
Looking at the bank statements, I would guess he’s probably spent anywhere from 5-10k on this over the 6 years. A lot of that has been put onto a credit card that I thought he paid off and got rid off years ago.
He had times in those years where he felt so awful he debated ending his life, he said he always had guilt and it was eating him alive but couldn’t tell me as he knew it would hurt me.
How do I even deal with this? I’m so hurt, confused and blindsided, but I also know that addiction becomes not a choice and it takes a lot of professional help to overcome. Do I take into consideration it was an addiction?
He has said that now the secret is out, as much as it’s caused a lot of pain, he feels like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders and that he no longer is struggling with this alone. He wants to make this work, and has offered counseling for addiction and as a couple, he said he’s happy to go through all the steps needed to build trust, he’s happy to spend a long time not having a normal relationship while we rebuild. He even has suggested for my own peace of mind to have full control of all finances, child lock his phone etc (he said he doesn’t need that to stop, as his addiction has now become a painful reality and he thinks the websites are poison for how they affect the human brain), but he is trying to suggest things that would make me feel better.
In those 6 years, he continuously made me feel good about myself, he put in effort to our relationship etc. he said he never chose that over me, it would be when I was out, not in the mood or asleep and before he went to work.
Just to add, he never had favorites. He would watch different people all the time and only ever watch one person a couple of times before never watching them again. He never had his own camera on, so they never saw him and he said he would literally turn it all off straight after and aside from feel the guilt and regret, he would never sit and think about it further. He said it was the same thing to him, as when you watch porn (although he knows it’s different and is empathetic about that).
He has now been very open and honest with me, even when some of the details are painful to hear. He has also been very honest with friends and family about it now too, and has shown a lot of remorse for what he has done not only to me but to everyone else.
thoughts??? I’m going crazy with all the ways to look at this issue!
Backstory: I have been with my partner for 8 years, we have one 5 year old child together and have had a very happy relationship. Like all couples, we have had minor issues but they have been about things like lack of communication etc, nothing too testing. We have had friends describe us as a “perfect little family” and my partner is described by everyone as all things good.
Two weeks ago, I decided to have a little snoop through his phone. I really did trust him, I just had this intuition that night to have a look while he was asleep. I noticed a new app was downloaded. It was yahoo mail, so obviously I clicked it.
There were tons of receipts for a webcam website, so I confronted him and he admitted to it instantly. He was very apologetic and said that it started one night because he got a bit bored of porn when I was out one time and saw an ad for the website so clicked it. He signed up and tried it out of curiosity which led to him having a huge addiction. He also admitted to having subscribed to a couple of people on onlyfans.
The worst part is, this addiction started in January 2018, and he has been doing it consistently since. That’s 6 years of our 8 year relationship. Our sex life has always been good, and he agrees too, he said it was never something that I wasn’t giving him. He just became addicted and would go through the guilt and regret every time but couldn’t stop.
Looking at the bank statements, I would guess he’s probably spent anywhere from 5-10k on this over the 6 years. A lot of that has been put onto a credit card that I thought he paid off and got rid off years ago.
He had times in those years where he felt so awful he debated ending his life, he said he always had guilt and it was eating him alive but couldn’t tell me as he knew it would hurt me.
How do I even deal with this? I’m so hurt, confused and blindsided, but I also know that addiction becomes not a choice and it takes a lot of professional help to overcome. Do I take into consideration it was an addiction?
He has said that now the secret is out, as much as it’s caused a lot of pain, he feels like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders and that he no longer is struggling with this alone. He wants to make this work, and has offered counseling for addiction and as a couple, he said he’s happy to go through all the steps needed to build trust, he’s happy to spend a long time not having a normal relationship while we rebuild. He even has suggested for my own peace of mind to have full control of all finances, child lock his phone etc (he said he doesn’t need that to stop, as his addiction has now become a painful reality and he thinks the websites are poison for how they affect the human brain), but he is trying to suggest things that would make me feel better.
In those 6 years, he continuously made me feel good about myself, he put in effort to our relationship etc. he said he never chose that over me, it would be when I was out, not in the mood or asleep and before he went to work.
Just to add, he never had favorites. He would watch different people all the time and only ever watch one person a couple of times before never watching them again. He never had his own camera on, so they never saw him and he said he would literally turn it all off straight after and aside from feel the guilt and regret, he would never sit and think about it further. He said it was the same thing to him, as when you watch porn (although he knows it’s different and is empathetic about that).
He has now been very open and honest with me, even when some of the details are painful to hear. He has also been very honest with friends and family about it now too, and has shown a lot of remorse for what he has done not only to me but to everyone else.
thoughts??? I’m going crazy with all the ways to look at this issue!
He seems to be contrite and understand what he’s done.
If you can forgive or at least move on from the betrayal then I don’t think it would be foolish so long as he gets the help he needs to stop the addiction.
Thank you. He honestly seems devastated, but at the same time, like a whole new person. The communication and honesty is on a level I have never seen from him before. I do think this is the turning point for him and he is desperately suggesting things we can do to fix it. I guess I just need to work out if I can move past some of the details, which currently I’m just not sure, although I do love that man so much. I have been with him since I was 19, so have spent my entire adult life with him so far really.
Micro Cheating / Cyber Cheating / Corn Addition
I've noticed a rise in these subjects on all platforms of social media. Apparently it is on the rise within relationships and sadly, extremely common. The biggest offending platforms that people use to cheat being Only Fans, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, SnapChat. I thought I would...
tattle.life
I've not read it but this thread might be useful too?
Not to generalise but when men are caught like this the majority claim "addiction". Have you asked him why he thinks it's an addiction?. Did he do it when you were on holiday together, does he find reasons to sneak off and do it?. An addiction is different to just wanting to do something.
If you are determined to try and make it work I would suggest therapy. He needs his own before you do couples therapy.
I would also create boundaries that make you feel safe. For example no passwords you don't know, deletion of this email address and him going to all the accounts and deleting profiles etc. he also needs to come up with suggestions on how to make you feel safe not just ,"il do whatever you need".
He needs to be willing to show you his credit report and how much debt he is in. He needs to show you he is paying this off. This is family money and quite frankly of it was me he needs to realise he took this from his child.
Tbh you need to be prepared to be like his mother and in control for a while until he can prove he can be trusted. It's up to you if you think that's doable but also worth it.
Good luck x
Yes I’m definitely sure it was addiction. There were occasions that were just bizzarre to me, and would be to anyone else too! The deletion of the account multiple times and reactivating, the need to use other cards when the normal one couldn’t be used. The large amount of debt created from it. There are so many parts to it that scream addiction. I think the addiction is to self and porn as opposed to cam sites. If he couldnt pay for cams, he would watch porn, and even Tiktok. He wasn’t solely using the cams but found that the most thrilling I guess.
since this has all come out, he has put multiple things in place such a as asked me to change his Apple ID password, logged out and got me to create a child one that I can choose what’s allowed on his phone, block websites and even alerts me to anything he’s doing/ downloading.
He asked me to download apps and logged into his emails on them, so I could see everything. He has also cancelled all of his cards and requested new ones that he will have no access to, to be able to purchase anything and has given me access to all bank accounts. He has given me the log in to clear score too. Literally everything I can now see on my phone anytime I want too.
He has also reached out to an addiction center for a like 5 day intro course into how to beat the addiction, contacted a counselor etc.
These are all things that I didn’t ask for or say that I would stay with him if he done. He has explained that he doesn’t feel he needs to do any of that to stop, as seeing how much pain he put me through was enough of a wake up call but wants to show how serious he is.
I can’t say that any of that will keep me with him, or fix any of this, but at the very least it’s nice to see some effort. I can’t imagine going through this and the person showing no remorse or effort at the same time, that would break me apart even more.
I really don’t know what my future holds right now, but I can only take it day by day and give myself more time to keep processing what’s happened. As I have said in a previous message, my world collapsed in the blink of an eye and the last 6 years of my life feels like a lie. It honestly doesn’t even feel real and that’s making it hard to process it all. I just hope I can get past this with or without him!
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Sorry just to add, I did also post this in the other thread which has been linked above and most of my replies are there if there’s anything else you want to see about it ◡̈
You're very brave to want to try to get past this. I couldn't past the ickyness of it, or the fact he'd spent all that money. Especially when you have a child. And he's been doing this for well over half of the time you've been together. You've got a big heart to even try to stay together.
Just don't "police" his behaviour. That's his responsibility, and in a way, he's just shifting that weight onto your shoulders by passing it to you.
Just don't "police" his behaviour. That's his responsibility, and in a way, he's just shifting that weight onto your shoulders by passing it to you.
Porn addiction is a massive problem, increasingly so. In the pre internet days, porn was limited to magazines on the top shelf of the newsagents, or videos that were bought mail order or from a 'private shop'. Yes of course people still watched porn but it wasn't readily available. Nowadays it's accessible within a couple of clicks, and that level of accessibility seems to feed addiction. I do worry for young people growing up now 
I think in your position I'd want him to explore and understand why and how this compulsion developed, this is probably something he may not be able to answer right now and will need to work through in therapy. But he needs to understand this about himself to move on in the longer term; short term having you control his devices etc will restrict him, but that's not actually resolving the issue.
I know someone who was addicted to porn. He hid it incredibly well for a long time. In his case, he had an addictive personality, but also feelings of self loathing. His hidden addiction gave him a massive high when he indulged it, but then immediately after he hated himself for it, and so the cycle continued. He said he didn't know how to stop, because stopping would mean telling someone, which he couldn't do as he couldn't face the reaction of disgust. Unfortunately with people like that, if you stop one type of risk taking behaviour they just switch to another. He didn't go to therapy, just stopped looking at it - but because he'd done no work on himself (and never will) he just replaced the risk chasing with something else. This was my Ex btw - the porn addiction didn't split us up, it was what followed.
However that's not to say that your partner will go down this route - from experience I would say it's really important that he follows up the promise of going to therapy, and sees it through, however uncomfortable it might make him. It's also important that he wants to do it for him, and not because he thinks it will keep you on side. Does he have any other addictive/ compulsive behaviours? (my Ex had previous alcohol/ drugs/ gambling issues).
I think in your position I'd want him to explore and understand why and how this compulsion developed, this is probably something he may not be able to answer right now and will need to work through in therapy. But he needs to understand this about himself to move on in the longer term; short term having you control his devices etc will restrict him, but that's not actually resolving the issue.
I know someone who was addicted to porn. He hid it incredibly well for a long time. In his case, he had an addictive personality, but also feelings of self loathing. His hidden addiction gave him a massive high when he indulged it, but then immediately after he hated himself for it, and so the cycle continued. He said he didn't know how to stop, because stopping would mean telling someone, which he couldn't do as he couldn't face the reaction of disgust. Unfortunately with people like that, if you stop one type of risk taking behaviour they just switch to another. He didn't go to therapy, just stopped looking at it - but because he'd done no work on himself (and never will) he just replaced the risk chasing with something else. This was my Ex btw - the porn addiction didn't split us up, it was what followed.
However that's not to say that your partner will go down this route - from experience I would say it's really important that he follows up the promise of going to therapy, and sees it through, however uncomfortable it might make him. It's also important that he wants to do it for him, and not because he thinks it will keep you on side. Does he have any other addictive/ compulsive behaviours? (my Ex had previous alcohol/ drugs/ gambling issues).
Does anyone know how to find this on Next’s website from the tag in store? I’ve tried all sorts of combinations of the numbers but can find anything.
It’s a 2pk unwired black and white bras.
It’s a 2pk unwired black and white bras.
The only return I got with the parameters you’ve given was this link
www.next.co.uk
But it’s not available in 36DD
Literally nothing else came up under pack of two, unwired DD+
ETA their website doesn’t allow searching with product numbers.
Buy Black/White DD+ Non Pad Non Wire Lace Detail Ultimate Comfort Bras 2 Pack from the Next UK online shop
Shop for Black/White DD+ Non Pad Non Wire Lace Detail Ultimate Comfort Bras 2 Pack at Next.co.uk. Next day delivery and free returns to store. 1000s of products online. Buy Black/White DD+ Non Pad Non Wire Lace Detail Ultimate Comfort Bras 2 Pack now!
But it’s not available in 36DD
Literally nothing else came up under pack of two, unwired DD+
ETA their website doesn’t allow searching with product numbers.
It's the 742 - 460 that's the product code. However, I've just done a search on the Next app for the size, black/white unwired bra 2 pack in a 36E and this product isn't one of the search results.
They could be old stock. The closest I found (without a full picture of what they look like) is code 753 878.
Thanks for trying ladies 🤍
I’ve found something similar in a 3 pack but annoyingly twice the price, but at least I can be sure it’s not just that I don’t know how to find them before I pay the extra.
Although if anyone can recommend some really soft bra/crops without a thick band and a bit of stretch. Pretty much need something to lift my pregnancy boobs off my bump without squeezing them - the glamour!
I’ve found something similar in a 3 pack but annoyingly twice the price, but at least I can be sure it’s not just that I don’t know how to find them before I pay the extra.
Although if anyone can recommend some really soft bra/crops without a thick band and a bit of stretch. Pretty much need something to lift my pregnancy boobs off my bump without squeezing them - the glamour!
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I'm really struggling with my hormones and looking for advice on managing my emotions on the week leading up to when my period starts.
I feel like I spend 3 weeks of the month fine and then for a whole week I am fragile like a bomb and have complete meltdowns. I have gone to zero hours contract so that I can avoid working that week. When I used to work that week I would storm out of meetings, go to the toilet and cry, there is more but it's just so embarrassing!
Once I'm out of that week I always think that I wish I'd have just controlled myself! I've been to the drs before, read up on pmdd etc.
If anyone has any tips on dealing with emotions that week I would be really grateful I'm up for trying anything! I'm 42 and the dr said I'm too old for the pill (not that it ever made a difference in the past anyway).
I feel like I spend 3 weeks of the month fine and then for a whole week I am fragile like a bomb and have complete meltdowns. I have gone to zero hours contract so that I can avoid working that week. When I used to work that week I would storm out of meetings, go to the toilet and cry, there is more but it's just so embarrassing!
Once I'm out of that week I always think that I wish I'd have just controlled myself! I've been to the drs before, read up on pmdd etc.
If anyone has any tips on dealing with emotions that week I would be really grateful I'm up for trying anything! I'm 42 and the dr said I'm too old for the pill (not that it ever made a difference in the past anyway).
Have you looked at Oestrogen Detox pills from WillPowders’s? I’m in a Facebook group and lots of woman swear by them.
Never heard of those, thank you I will have a look.
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