The advice thread for random problems #5

[griftalo]

Not advice per se but has anyone tried that whole waking up at 5am thing?

A friend who practises the whole toxic positivity thing did it and even they got pissed off

 

[Snippysnips]

Thoughts on pulling sickies at work…?

So I’m a very goodie two shoes staff member, always on time, work hard, don’t pull sickies. But I’m pretty sure colleagues do.

A few months ago I had a couple of sick days because I just didn’t want to go in (I’ve been feeling stressed for a few reasons at work), but I said it was a cold.

Next week I have a meeting with a colleague who is lovely but intense. We’re working on a project together which we’ve been doing for over a year. She gets really into things into levels of detail that drains me. And she can’t let things go when she doesn’t agree.

If I pull a sickie we won’t have to reschedule it cos it’s a prep meeting for another one the next day.

So what do you think? I feel really guilty but at the same time I don’t think I can cope with any more of this! The project will be over soon but I’m mentally exhausted from it and her intensity.

Your health both mentally an physically comes first, personally I'd rather someone be off rather than come to work A sick an pass it to me or B come in totally stressed/anxious an it ends with a argument or nothing gets done, or the work gets badly affected

Remember places will replace you within a week so take care of yourself first, your job isn't worth sacrificing your health over, is it worth talking to management about how your mentally struggling with her? Or are you able to talk to her an explain what's going on? Sometimes people don't realise how much they push an if you go with it they keep pushing, if it's brought up then maybe she will realise an calm down, so if you can't talk to her then let someone know, most workplaces have (or should) have mental health practices in place for employees

 

[Snippysnips]

I manage a holiday let cottage - it’s not mine, I just do it on behalf of the owners. While I do go there regularly before and after every changeover and often at other times to restock stores or check stuff, I’m getting a bit fed up with being blindsided by things coming up in the reviews which could have been resolved before had I known about them. It’s also vanishingly rare for anyone to tell me they’ve broken something.

Forex, someone has just marked us down because the toaster didn’t work. I had no idea the toaster was broken because no one had mentioned it and taking a slice of bread to test it every time is not something I’d automatically think to do.

I‘ve been thinking about a book to report any issues/comments but then do I want guests reading that back? No. So I thought of a suggestion box with a note on it saying please let us know if you find anything broken, if you think something is missing or you have a suggestion what we could include.

If you stayed in a self catering place, what would you think of seeing a suggestion box? Would you use it?

People will mark you down for the stupidest of shit, personally whenever am reading reviews if it has things like "broken toaster" "bin not emptied" "towels missing" etc I ignore them because these are things I view as fixable if they just opened their mouths an said in the first place instead of being twats an not mentioning it

Personally the only reviews I take seriously is ones that are numerous with the same things being mentioned like unpleasant hosts/staff, dirty/filthy areas, broken shower/toilet, as these are things I feel the owners/staff should know, like if you are cleaning then it's easy to flush a toilet an run a tap for a sec just to make sure it's working, but someone marking you down over something that you wouldn't think to check I'd be ignoring it when they could have just said to you

Am starting to see more an more people think they are some sort of hotel/b&b/airb&b inspector an go round everywhere marking down for little things that can be fixed, we seem to live in age where people will bitch an moan harshly to get some sort of "reward" out it like money back or money off a future stay all because the room didn't have a face towel in it

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I did mine 8.30am the other day as I wanted to take the cuttings to the tip before it got too busy, and I was second guessing myself the whole time! I wouldn't bat an eyelid at someone doing at it 7pm. Maybe if you didn't even start until after 8pm, but that's just me personally - I don't think it's unreasonable unless you know an immediate neighbour has small children.

Small children scream all day at very high pitches. Would absolutely not feel bad doing work in the evening. It's a lawnmower not a hydraulic drill

 

[chickhicks86]

Thank you, I’ve put them in my spam box, one managed to slip through, I feel I’m wasting police time reporting them, I’ve not replied to any just screenshot & save. I’m constantly on edge in case he approaches me, I feel paranoid people are watching me & reporting back what I’m doing, I’ve stopped going out with friends in case I bump into him. Just go to work & come home. Even the threat of arrest doesn’t seem to bother him for breach of bail conditions.

Just be aware that spam boxes often automatically empty after 30 days, so if you are going to need the emails for evidence, it might be better to store them in another folder.

 

[Tommyb]

I'm getting married next year to my partner of 10 years, things are abit rough between us lately, fighting arguing over everything, I've caught him 4 times looking up other women and on pornhub in the last 2 months ,even though he said he'd stop ,it's like it's in one ear and out the other. We had a big argument last night and I was ready to end things with him, but I just felt pressure because we have the wedding date picked- save the dates out and I don't want to let anyone down and be an embarrassment,but I also don't want to be stuck in this relationship because he has no love towards me ,we have talked and discussed things and he always said he'd change and work is stressful, but nothing ever changes , I love him to bits but I don't know what I'm holding on to

Please please dont worry about other people. Don't get married for them!. That is such a costly mistake...and not just money wise. Don't give your life to this if you are not happy. From my experience people don't get caught the first time... Or even the second time. He's showing you who he is... You need to believe him.

Life is stressful. That won't change. So if he's only doing it because he's stressed (this is one of the worst excuses iv heard) then he won't ever stop.

 

[Mamacita]

My daughter is in Year 10 and doing well academically but struggles socially. She won't do her Maths homework because the teacher shows on the board who has completed their homework and who hasn't. She doesn't want to be called a nerd for doing her homework. My daughter is extremely shy and I'dhate for her to feel embarrassed, but equally Year 10 is an important year and I'd like her to keep doing well in her Maths.

I just wondered what other people think as I've just had a notification that she hasn't completed her maths homework again.

What is the teachers aim with showing who did their homework

 

[Mamacita]

I'm getting married next year to my partner of 10 years, things are abit rough between us lately, fighting arguing over everything, I've caught him 4 times looking up other women and on pornhub in the last 2 months ,even though he said he'd stop ,it's like it's in one ear and out the other. We had a big argument last night and I was ready to end things with him, but I just felt pressure because we have the wedding date picked- save the dates out and I don't want to let anyone down and be an embarrassment,but I also don't want to be stuck in this relationship because he has no love towards me ,we have talked and discussed things and he always said he'd change and work is stressful, but nothing ever changes , I love him to bits but I don't know what I'm holding on to

Don't get married

 

[GalaxyGirl70]

She's been taking it for a year or so but her cycle is very irregular - she's made an appointment to see her practice nurse today after some gentle persuading. Her boyfriend is adorable, he suffers from low mood at times and he was able to persuade her to come over and have a chat to me because he was worried about her. They have a lovely home, are very settled and that's why this seems so unusual for her.

 

[WeHadFunRight]

Very random and frivolous question but WHY do my grey hairs grow in a rogue and whisky fashion? They just point straight up out of my head away from my other hairs as if they’re saying HIIIIIIII!!!! We’re grey hairs! LOOK! SHE IS AGEING!

I have plucked some out this morning because I have to go and get passport photos done, unfortunately they don’t take to dye so it’s annoying and there’s no escape.

 

[Thank(space)you]

How do you cope when a parent is in and out of hospital with heart issues? Last surgery was a close call and mum almost died. She's been home 2 weeks maybe and been readmitted. I feel like I'm close to a mental breakdown. So genuinely, please, any stress management techniques are welcome

 

[Lizziebox]

I manage a holiday let cottage - it’s not mine, I just do it on behalf of the owners. While I do go there regularly before and after every changeover and often at other times to restock stores or check stuff, I’m getting a bit fed up with being blindsided by things coming up in the reviews which could have been resolved before had I known about them. It’s also vanishingly rare for anyone to tell me they’ve broken something.

Forex, someone has just marked us down because the toaster didn’t work. I had no idea the toaster was broken because no one had mentioned it and taking a slice of bread to test it every time is not something I’d automatically think to do.

I‘ve been thinking about a book to report any issues/comments but then do I want guests reading that back? No. So I thought of a suggestion box with a note on it saying please let us know if you find anything broken, if you think something is missing or you have a suggestion what we could include.

If you stayed in a self catering place, what would you think of seeing a suggestion box? Would you use it?

a suggestion box is a good idea! I think or a number to report things, or through the booking app. Although I think people are just being lazy!! I would report a broken toaster just as an FYI not as a moan. It’s silly to mark the property down for it.

 

[littlepup]

Hi everyone, coming back to this thread after a couple of months!

Things have been much better with my best friend, her and my boyfriend have been getting on great. However...we've now been invited to the actual engagement party for his best friend and fiancee (who the post above is about) and I'm struggling to know how to navigate it with my best friend. I don't want to not go to the party, as it's my boyfriends best mate and he is a groomsman at the wedding. But I am dreading telling my best friend in case she falls out with me again. I feel like our last convo ended in a good place, with her saying that she understands that I'm going to have to see them but I'm not sure if me actively going to their engagement party is a bit seperate to that... Advice please??

Why are you letting this woman dictate what you do? Real friends and grown ups don’t dictate who you can hang out with. They also recognise if a friend has anxiety around an issue and try to make it easier for them, not harder. Tell her you’re going to be there with your boyfriend because you have nothing against them personally and it’s unfair of her to make you feel bad. She can dislike whoever she pleases but these people are going to be a part of your life and you’ll make your own judgment. Until they act in a way toward you that makes you change your mind, you’re happy to spend time with them.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

My daughter is in Year 10 and doing well academically but struggles socially. She won't do her Maths homework because the teacher shows on the board who has completed their homework and who hasn't. She doesn't want to be called a nerd for doing her homework. My daughter is extremely shy and I'dhate for her to feel embarrassed, but equally Year 10 is an important year and I'd like her to keep doing well in her Maths.

I just wondered what other people think as I've just had a notification that she hasn't completed her maths homework again.

In your position I'd approach the school about this. This is a wellbeing issue that could potentially impact her education. She may start getting into trouble for not completing the homework. Also, there might be aspects of the subject she's unsure of and that will be missed if the teacher isn't getting to see the homework.

I really think in this instance the school should be requesting the teacher adjust that particular element of her teaching style for that class. The GCSE's years are stressful enough for students and mental health and wellbeing is being taken seriously by a lot more schools these days.

In the meantime, do you think your daughter would consider a compromise? Perhaps she could complete the homework even if she doesn't hand it in. That way, if challenged, she can demonstrate she has done it and prove she isn't just being defiant. I know that might be a bit more awkward if the homework is on an app (my children's Maths h/w is) but copying the questions into a workbook should be OK.

 

[Clickbait]

I’ve had an appointment today I’ve waited 5mths for to be asked why I was even there (gallstone attack in March, hospital admission, put on waiting list in April to see a specialist after an ultrasound scan for an urgent appointment!) so apparently it’s my decision whether I need my gallbladder removing, the specialist didn’t even look at my scan, told me I need an MRI & sent me on my way literally could of had the conversion over the phone instead of me booking time off work & travelling to the hospital, the stones are quite big according to my scan & google & one is in the opening to my gallbladder, I really don’t know what the timescale is for an MRI, I’m at a loss on what to do?! I just feel so angry that he didn’t ask if had family history for instance & the fact I waited so long to be seen to basically not be told anything really & to make the decision myself without telling me if I would be better off without my gallbladder, how it will affect my health etc….

I’m sure it feels you’ve been fobbed off here. I wonder if the consultant/specialist you saw felt they’d be doing a disservice to discuss next steps without an MRI being in place but that should have been made clear.

Were you told you were being referred for an MRI? The wait time is dependent on the hospital you’re at, and the priority your case has been given. If you’ve been told that it is your decision you need all the information to make an informed decision.

I would recommend establishing next steps with the department you’re being treated under - are you on the waiting list for a scan, what is the timescale, once the results are known how will they be shared e.g. letter from consultant to you/your GP, will you have another consultant appointment at this stage, how are you expected to make an informed decision to proceed, once the decision is made what is the likely wait time.

If you’re not getting traction then involve the Patient Advice and Liaison Service (PALS) team who are there to help advocate for you and help you navigate the health system which can be confusing and challenging.

 

[GalaxyGirl70]

I had to involve the Police a couple of years ago and it really was like pushing water uphill with a fork. The local officer only appeared to work part time, and when sent to investigate, was completely whitewashed by the other party. I was furious and refused to let it drop - it may have been a mistake but I eventually was given his email address by the woman I kept ringing and that was when I started to make headway. I threatened to make a complaint as I hadn't been taken seriously, and once investigated properly, he eventually managed to pass the file to the CPS and they agreed to charge the other party. Took around 7 months mind, and I was nearly pulling my hair out over it.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Going to London in a few months, an we are going to get oyster cards, do I need to purchase my own? Or can I just use any? another friend is going down an has them already an I was wondering if I could just use theirs an top it up or if it will have their details on it an they will check that as I think you need to buy the cards an we would only be using them maybe two days at most if that

But if I do need to get them myself is it easy enough down there to pick them up? Do the train stations/bus stations etc have the little ticket booths around or is it going be a hunt to find, thanks

Oyster cards are now redundant. You use your bank card to tap in and out. But you must remember to tap out. There is a set limit of what you will be charged every day.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Thanks.

A root canal is slightly different, but I get your point. I don’t want to put an implant and wind up having to remove it because of this.

That’s my thought as well but he said that removing the residual root could affect the bone structure. He removed 95% but couldn’t get to the remaining part. I will need to go to another dentist and get another opinion. I don’t agree with putting in an implant when a tiny portion of the root is still there.

If it is somewhere not obvious if you don't have a tooth, then I would leave well enough alone and not bother getting the implant. Get a second opinion if you'd like but he's probably telling you the truth about your bone structure. And what would happen if some dentist goes "yeah, I can take it out" And then you start having issues with your jaw because the bone has been compromised.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Hi everyone,
Bit of a long-winded one I apologise! I've (F27) been with my current boyfriend (M27) for around 9 months and we are just about to move in together. My family and most of my friends absolutely adore him and think we are perfect together. For context, my six year relationship with my ex ended pretty traumatically last year and everyone is thrilled to see me happy and being treated how I deserve, I truly have never been happier.

However, there has been an ongoing situation over a couple of months that has been upsetting me. My boyfriend and my best mate (F27) went to school together, they have known each other their whole lives. They didn't keep in touch after school but have obviously now rekindled as a result of our relationship. A few months ago on a night out, my best friend started to really criticise my boyfriends best mate and his relationship (both of whom she also went to school with). It was totally uncalled for and she should have known better than to slag off someone's best friend in front of them. My boyfriend was upset about it and had a conversation with his friend about what she'd said and he was understandably upset. We bumped into them a couple of weeks later where my best friend continued to talk about their relationship in front of him, despite me trying to change the subject a million times.

Cut to a few months later, we were on a night out (me, my best friend and my partner), when we bumped into my boyfriends best mate and his girlfriend. They ignored each other until the end of the night when they were leaving and her sister deliberately barged into my friend which was totally uncalled for. My friend was upset and my boyfriend had a frank conversation with her where he did tell her that he was upset by the comments she had made about his best friend, so he had told him and he was clearly upset by it. We were both mortified by the sister's behaviour and are in no way excusing that. My friend was grateful for the honesty, even though she was upset that he'd told his friend what she'd said (although I'd argue that if someone was saying those things about my best friend, I would also want her to know). She also made it very clear that she didn't want us to speak to the other couple about what had happened. We cleared the air and I thought the situation was in the past.

A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriends best mate and his partner got engaged and they had an impromtu engagement party. I didn't tell my best friend as I didn't think she'd want to hear about two people she doesn't like getting engaged/thought she would annoyed if it looked like I was 'asking permission' to go. Cut to this weekend, when she saw photos of the party and was incredibly upset. She called me and said that if it was her, she wouldn't have gone to the party at all and that it looked like I was 'choosing' to be mates with them because that's what my boyfriend wants, despite how it makes her feel. I tried to make it very clear that I'm not 'choosing' to be friends with them, but as they are my boyfriend's best friends I am going to have to be around them. I apologised for not letting her know about the party and that I appreciated for her, it looked shady even though in that moment I really thought I was doing the right thing. By the end of the conversation, she accepted (I think) that I am going to have to see them as a result of them being my boyfriends friends and that I will be transparent about when that is happening in the future, but it doesn't mean that I'm best friends with them or excusing their behaviour.

However, as an anxious soul I feel like I'm now just constantly on edge about it all. I can totally appreciate that she is upset and her feelings are valid, but I do think she's putting me in an impossible situation. My boyfriend is here to stay and as a result, so are his friends. I will never be best friends with them but as a fact of life, I am going to have to see them.

Any advice on how you would handle this/how I can stop feeling so anxious about this situation would be really appreciated!!

TLDR: Best friend making me feel guilty for spending time with boyfriends friends

At 27 your bff needs to grow up. Nobody has to like each other but people can co-exist and just be polite. It sounds like you are starting to outgrow this friend.

If you'd like to stay friends with your bff I suggest you have a frank conversation with her about her behaviour.

 

[JoeBloggs]

@havee I have been thinking more about your situation and I think you need to engage with your mum about ensuring she can advocate for herself. You're dad is abusing her by putting things solely in her name that she cannot understand nor is able to do. Though if they are taking his income into account he must be on the tenancy in some capacity.

If she is any good with a smartphone, introduce her to google translate. She can take a photo of any letters and it will translate if for her. I am sure if you also made the council aware they needed to be in a different language they could do that.

There might also be charities within your culture that she can get help so it does not always fall on your shoulders.