The advice thread for random problems #4

[littlepup]

However there’s no real way for him to “go after” the OP. She received a video, has gone to work to complain. There’s no libel or slander there. If he can’t provide tangible evidence, then he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

I think the mistake in your advice to the OP is the assumption they are looking out for her. I think it’s pretty clear based on what’s been said, that this isn’t the case.

I don’t think they are protecting OP, they are protecting themselves.

HR as you say, mightn’t be doing this correctly, I would think they’d need a lawyer present at least, but if they’re doing an internal investigation they’d need to ensure a crime has been committed and that comes down to consent. It’s completely my mistake to have read it as the OP didn’t want the police involved and from that take that the investigation needed to be internal.

If it were proven no crime had been committed, because sending a video on itself isn’t a crime, the accused could pursue the accuser legally.

Please correct me if this is wrong.

ETA: I’ve just read OPs response. The employer is totally out of their depth, what they’ve done is abhorrent and OP has a strong claim against them.

 

[GalaxyGirl70]

I think just acknowledging it is really important. It was a year since I lost my Dad recently, and whilst I felt sad, we made an effort as a family to walk to the churchyard and put some flowers on his grave. Then we all had a meal together, and just focused on being here and surviving the year together. I miss my Dad every day, not just on anniversaries and to some, it really can just be another day. I would ask if he wants to do anything on the day?

 

[watermelon sugar]

If you take a parcel in for a neighbour whilst they are out who should the onus be on to get the parcel to the owner?
I think the recipient should come to my house to retrieve. Is this wrong?
They are never in to receive their parcels and feel they know that I WFH so will be here to take them in.
They never come to retrieve them though so then I’m continually having to knock their door when I think they might be in.
Am I being unreasonable to think this should be a them problem?

The neighbour should come and get it because you don’t know when they will be back

 

[cowtastrophe]

Honestly being at the other end is just as bad, I wish I could be ok with a bit of mess but it will literally drive me insane if something is laying around an even when I really don't feel like getting up I just cannot handle having stuff sitting about

A few tips, I have little baskets inside drawers to keep things organised, like pens in one little basket, battery's in another, chargers in another etc, means when when an throwing things in a drawer its still being kept tidy, a laundry basket with different sections so white can go in one, colour in another an darks in another so clothes can just be thrown in an I don't need to sort through it when I need to wash, decluttering can help so much, I usually have one day a month where I'll declutter an send things off to a charity shop or sell or give things away that I no longer need/want, you could also set up a "schedule" or some sort, like I already have a routine in my head, I know what am doing each day, but even if it's something like Monday you will put clothes away, Tuesday you will put shoes away, Wednesday is dusting an hoovering etc those little things add up an you dont need to do more than one task unless you feel like it

It can be hard be getting started but give yourself a week for say one room an then once it's done just do a little each day to keep on top of it

The separate baskets is a great idea. We have three drawers in our kitchen which drove me mad for years being full of random crap and every time I opened them stuff would fall down the back or get stuck. I lost my shit last summer with them and hauled everything out then got a load of lock n lock boxes which I sorted everything into. So I have a box for random metal items, a box for keys, a box for batteries, a box for random plastic items, etc. I cannot put into words how satisfied I felt when it was done.

 

[becca7721]

Would you move to NI to self build if it meant leaving the house and area you love but you would be mortgage and debt free. Live in the countryside with no neighbours. Your husband could work less hours and you'll have a better quality of life?

My husband has decided that's what he wants to do, he just needs to convince me and our kids.

We'd have about 200k in the bank after selling our house.

He's a builder and thinks he could buy land and build a house for 150k

His uncle is selling 3 acres with planning permission within a 12 acre field

To add, I've never been to NI, never shown any interest in visiting. I've been with my husband 18 years and he's only been over a few times in those years for funerals.

Not particularly close to family. Take my mum shopping a couple of times a week. No proper close friends.

Would you?

The things I’d warn against is things like healthcare and, the impact of rural living on kids. I live (very) rurally in Wales. Healthcare tends to be very limited and services rurally are first to go, there’s a tendancy to forget locals and only have services Easter to October, like where I am, includes some shops. We have a really bad drug and alcohol problems where I am. There’s nothing for kids to do outside of church activities (not for everyone); nor are there many churches left anymore as no funding. Jobseeking is 3 hour radius due to lack of jobs and getting to/from school can be hellish even if there is transport provided (which is unlikely) in my county we had five secondary schools, all with sixth form twenty years ago, we now have three, two in ‘centre of population’ (15,000 people), the other over two hours away and one sixth form with no transport possible (its a requirement to continue post 16 now). Council are aiming for only one secondary school.

Lot of thinking to do - I love living where I do BUT it’s being ravaged by the economy and second home owners who come out of season expecting things to be open that aren’t. We are losing our last bank in the county. Last year there were more than a dozen. Internet/mobile access can be poor as well.

ETA whilst not very nice it is a fact that second home owners have ruined communities where I live. Services are based on use and when you have a village that over 80% is unused most of the year, and then only high season for a few weeks they lose all their facilities. Example, village had a cottage hospital, spar shop, museum, two banks, butchers, buses every two hours and pubs ten years ago now has none of those things.

 

[Rxt156]

Is it rude to take the service charge off a bill even if the service has been good? I’d rather just leave a cash tip at the end of the meal if the service has been worth leaving one.

The other week we were in a restaurant we go to a lot for over 4 hours because the service was that slow. I asked to remove the service at the end which I felt was justified but then I felt dead uncomfortable asking, like they’re gonna be really offended and I don’t know if I am overthinking it.

I worked in a restaurant about 10 years ago which charged a service charge on the bill, and you got an extra £1 an hour added to your wages. Not entirely sure what happened to the rest of it, felt like such a scam as a waitress. If someone asked to remove the service back then a manager had to come and do it and they’d be asking you loads of questions about why they want it removed which was so uncomfortable.

we’re going to London for the weekend and have a few meals booked in quite nice places and I can’t decide if taking off the service is going to be a situation

I don’t think it’s rude but even if it is rude … it’s your money to spend as you wish!

I think it’s cheeky of restaurants to automatically charge you for something especially as sometimes they do it when the service hasn’t been great

I don’t really like tipping anyway coz it’s not my job to pay someone’s wages (i’m a teacher and certainly get no tips for doing my job properly) but that’s for another chat another time

 

[Thank(space)you]

Firstly I really hope you're doing ok, @Thank(space)you - I can only say do what you need to do for yourself, and prioritise your own health (mental and physical). Jobs are replaceable, you are not.

Secondly... some advice following a post I made on a previous thread. It's a bit long so my apologies.

To summarise the previous post, I ended up meeting a neighbour on my street who is an elderly woman (her cat kept coming into my garden). She seems quite lonely and very quickly began wanting to meet regularly, text all the time, etc. Problem is, when I turn up, she won't let me go for hours - keeps on talking and talking with no boundaries/respect for time. Hard when I work full time with a daughter etc. I know it's a matter of loneliness but it makes popping in for a cup of tea difficult if it takes two hours each time. She also added me on Facebook despite me telling her I just don't really use Facebook anymore and never check it - she would bombard me with tags on pictures and sending me memes etc.

She ended up having to move (she rents) and when she told me, I said I'd miss her cat coming round. She ended up giving me the cat - while I made it very clear to her this is her decision and I absolutely understand if she doesn't want to, I was glad as her care of him was bare minimum and she never really cared about his whereabouts.

Just before handing his vaccination details, papers etc over to me we met up for a cup of tea. She asked about my boyfriend and I said we had split up, but all was amicable and he'd simply moved away for work (a small lie, I never had a boyfriend, but it was a convenient excuse to avoid seeing her!). I told her I'd be away with my daughter on holiday for a week and when I told her where, she said she had a friend who could give me recommendations. I said that's lovely, and eventually managed to get home. The next day she told me she'd contacted this friend... and sent me screenshots of their conversation.

She said that I had been 'brutally abandoned by my lover' and was 'angry and sad and in need of support'. She asked this stranger to 'look after me, make my stay nice and console me as I needed'. She then went on to describe me - said I was lovely and kind (fair enough) - but that I was 'very fat but seem to like it that way and her daughter is the same'!! She said on my Facebook, I 'only post pictures of me eating' and that my daughter 'is probably the same'. I'm a size 12 and my daughter a tall 16/18. I was totally shocked. This stranger ended up reaching out to me, I told her that the neighbour had asked too much of her and I only asked for some restaurant recommendations. She happily gave those to me.

Since then, I have only briefly spoken to the neighbour when she handed over the cat. This all happened in November and I'm still furious. I haven't been to her new home and don't want to. She messaged mid-December to ask for updates (I feel like I should have reached out but was just too angry, and had heard nothing from her) - I told her cat was settled in well and she's welcome to check on him. Nothing since then. On a brief Facebook check today, I saw a stroppy post from her saying she posts on Facebook a lot and if people don't like it or her they should block her. I'd like to think it isn't about me.

I feel guilty for not messaging her more but at the same time, she's not my relative, she now lives 45 minutes away and I felt she was shockingly rude to me. I have her cat and I'm happy to share updates but she's not reached out to me either. Am I in the wrong here? Should I just get over myself? Congrats if you made it this far!!

I definitely don't feel you're in the wrong here. It sounds like the fb status could be about others if she has been too pushy with them etc like she has been to you, but try not to assume it is about you. It sounds like you've been very kind to her.


With regards to my situation the police have told me even without the video the messages I have are grounds for harrassment so up to me if I want to pursue a prosecution. Still no update/outcome from HR. The coworker in question is now telling people (or so I hear from the talk around work) that I have caused him a mental health breakdown and he has had thoughts of suicide/self harm caused by my reporting him to HR.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

At the time she kept telling him to stop trying to pressure me, and to respect the fact I'd said no. Then when he gummed me she was like "wtf stop it she said no"

What's happened to you could be classed as assault, essentially a spiking but in plain sight. It's really serious and I hope you're feeling OK. I also hope you're able to find a way to deal with the situation in a way that you feel you have addressed it to an extent you are happy with and that doesn't create an issue with your friend. However, he really needs to have it explained to him that what he did is unacceptable and that it could have had serious consequences.

If I were your friend's shoes, I'd be seriously reassessing my choice of partner. She might be feeling really confused about the situation as well. Could you chat to her about it calmly and openly? Or do you think she'd rather brush it under the carpet straight away?

 

[Popcornshovel]

Just an update if anyone is interested, posted on the rant thread also.

HR told me today basically they don't know how to proceed with the issue I've raised with the explicit video I received from a colleague unsolicited.
I've finally broken down and logged with the police. I've also mentioned to the police how I feel let down by my employer and how I don't feel they are taking me seriously.

Do I have to tell HR I've spoken to the police?

I've spoken to ACAS too and they said from the employment side of things they can only advise me to raise a grievance with HR about how I feel they have dealt with it.

You've done the right thing with the police.

I can't believe how crap the HR dept are being. If I were you, I would raise a grievance.

What's the situation in terms of are you still at work and do you need to see/interact with the harasser?

 

[chickhicks86]

It is me.
He's got mandatory sexual harrassment training, missed out on last year Xmas bonus and not eligible for this year one, he's also moved departments and had a warning. Work have paid for me to have 6 sessions of private therapy to help with the stress of it all

I'm shocked to see that he is still employed there at all. I hope you are happy with the outcome.

 

[GalaxyGirl70]

We had a rule after one sleepover disaster that if we didn't know the parents well, they stayed at ours. I never minded and felt more comfortable.
That way, your kids are happy and so are you. I only let mine stay if we knew the family well... we had one awful night when my eldest stayed with a new girl at school. They'd been nearly 4 hours at her mum's horseyard after school, then Mum took them straight to the pub until 11pm. And I had a horrid feeling that she'd driven them home. They had bags of crisps and chocolate bars for their tea, and she came home the next day smelling like an ashtray as Mum smoked in the house. She was so overtired and grotty that even she said "Mum I don't want a sleepover there again".

 

[Thank(space)you]

You've done the right thing with the police.

I can't believe how crap the HR dept are being. If I were you, I would raise a grievance.

What's the situation in terms of are you still at work and do you need to see/interact with the harasser?

I've come back this week following Xmas break. He is suspended still, I'm guessing until HR make a decision.

I've also asked to book on with occupational health to discuss the anxiety I'm feeling relating to going to work, see if they have any suggestions.

 

[tomato_paste]

Can’t make this up today.

I was approached for an external role which I know is a dead end, but I wanted to use this interview as training for future interviews given I’m aiming for a more senior role.

Fast forward, I received the invite today and the person interviewing me used to work in the same department in my current company (literally used to sit across from me), probably knows my current manager and from past experience of overhearing them on calls, they can be pretty abrasive.

The interview is Monday but with all this in mind, I’d rather not even bother. I need yo find something ti cancel.

Just email then that you're not going to be able to interview for this position after all. You don't really need to give a reason, but something like "due to private circumstances I can't make it" should be more than fine.

 

[dinosaursideways]

My poor daughter resigned from her job this week - she's not been happy for quite a while (bad management). She left amicably, offered them an extended notice period to cover an important event and make sure none of her colleagues would be burdened, and to train a replacement.

Her boss called her today and tore her apart, told her he's glad because everyone in the office hates her and wants her gone and every member of senior management has been begging to fire her for months. Apparently every single colleague has complained about her to him. He rambled like a madman and said he'll even consider suing her for 'faking sick leave' - she had her gall bladder removed, had two weeks off, and came back and resigned. She interviewed on the last day of sick leave but legally, what could he actually sue for? She had the surgery and the doctor said she's allowed to leave the house.

She knows what he said isn't true, she has a great relationship with her colleagues, but she's distraught nonetheless. She's in her twenties and he's a misogynistic old narcissist who ripped her to shreds. What can I say to her that would help?

Would she reconsider the extended notice period? It was a kindness of her to offer it, and it doesn't sound like her boss deserves that. Especially if the new job want her ASAP sounds like the sooner she leaves this place the better. And as terrible an experience as this has been it really just underlines that she has made the absolute right decision for herself.

 

[littlepup]

Agree with the others. She owes them nothing, let alone her health. The guy is a bully and a grade A asshole. If she can’t advocate for herself, do it for her. He can’t be allowed to take any more from her than he already has done.

 

[didisaythatoutloudoops]

The woman is a nutter - the fact that she stewed over this and then wrote a long reply is bonkers. She's trying to push your buttons for a reaction and asking for cat updates is a way for her to always have that thread to you.
I'd be creeped out the way she came to the house without an invite.

I really am creeped out. I'm just relieved I wasn't in. Now when the door knocks I'm going to be wary - even if it probably is just the postman...

Have you done anything to agree to you getting the cat? Like a signed agreement? Or was it all just a spoken agreement because honestly I'd be blocking her number an never answering the door to her, if she was happy to let you keep the cat an you have now taken on full responsibility an are fully paying for it then really she's in a way let it go to a new home an can't hold that over you but if nothing was signed then she may be a bit of a problem showing up if you do block her

This is the difficult part. So I have text messages from her (the recent ones included) in which she admits giving me the cat 'for good'. I have his health records. But we've got no signed agreement on anything. She's got multiple cats and basically just handed him over and took the rest. He's also not microchipped - that's my next move, I think.

Thank you all for confirming I'm not the insane one here... I think I feel so stuck because I honestly have no idea how to communicate basic etiquette - like not turning up at people's houses unannounced - to a grown adult who should know better (and I'm trying to tread carefully). You'll all be updated of course, whether you like it or not

 

[stargirl23]

They told me to speak to him and try to resolve it between ourselves in first instance.

That’s awful! I’m so sorry they’re being so shit at listening to your concerns and helping you. They’re covering their back instead of being there for you as the victim. Please consider going to the police, they won’t victim blame you or make you feel like you’re in the wrong for speaking up. You’ve absolutely done the right thing to report this and I feel you’ll feel more safe and reassured going via police as they’ll help you to endure justice is served. We’re all here if you need us

 

[didisaythatoutloudoops]

Honestly it sounds as if she's trying to emotionally blackmail you to keep you on a hook so that you are constantly at the ready for her, clearly the cat didn't mean that much to her if she wanted to leave it an essential give it up, if a pet means the world to you then you do whatever you can to keep it so obviously it wasn't that important to her, a few pics every few weeks seems more than reasonable an technically that is still maintaining contact as well so if that was the deal then you are still keeping to the deal, she doesn't need daily cat pics, but I'd definitely keep everything to a minimum an hopefully she will eventually move on an leave you

I think you're 100% on it. There was absolutely no agreement made - she told me she was moving and I said goodness, I'll miss her cat (who spent more time at mine than it ever did at hers). She then decided a few weeks later to simply give him to me as he seems happier at mine. That was it. She took the rest of her cats so it wasn't a matter of not being able to - she chose not to. And three months without checking in... she can't give much of a toss about the cat itself. I think she's a lonely old woman because she's so nasty to her friends (who eventually cut her off) and she's trying to keep me obligated to see her with the cat. I'll send pictures every few weeks and be polite but rather cold in any conversation. Hopefully she'll find someone else to fixate on.

 

[Thank(space)you]

Have you spoken to ACAS?

No I haven't.


I've had messages from people saying they feel I should be suspended because it's my word against his (they obviously don't know about all the evidence I have) I'm so upset

 

[Snippysnips]

Having a row with my sister at the moment about self employment and needing to declare she’s selling some MLM (that was a row in itself)

She is adamant she doesn’t need to declare it as it’s not ‘full time employment’ and it’s ’just to make money on the side’. She also claims UC so I said she needs to be careful doing stuff like this as it could affect her claim. I’ve told her she needs to sort it out and register as self employed and declare this income, she said she doesn’t and that none of her friends who do similar ‘work’ declare it.

Someone back me up here before I end up losing my shit with her

Just had a cousin get caught out on something very similar, thought she was getting away with it for months till they showed up to her door with a 6inch file on her, they had been watching an collecting information for months an now she's screwed

Your sister may think she is getting away with it now because nothings happening, but it could be months or even a few years down the line before she is caught, they spend months gathering evidence before you realise