The advice thread for random problems #4

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Quick update. Mr Lolz is very angry, rightfully so, but I’m not single at least.
I’ve apologised and made him aware about how bad I feel about it all.
It sounds weird to say I’m happy but it’s because I’m so relieved that we will be ok.
Fingers crossed I don’t open my big gob for the next ten years

 

[Thank(space)you]

I was at a party last night & my friend's boyfriend kept trying to pressure me to take coke..I kept saying no and then in the end he gummed me when I was laughing. How do I politely tell him he's crossed a boundary with me?

 

[Thank(space)you]

Yeah, definitely better to wait until she's feeling better. It won't be an easy conversation.

I actually feel really angry on your behalf, even though I don't know you. It's just an outrageous thing for him to have done. If it's not the first time he's behaved like that then it sounds like your friend would be better off without him.

It's the first time he's ever essentially drugged me, but he's crossed boundaries in the past by being sexually inappropriate towards me and he's pinned me up against the wall by my throat once.

She loves him so there's not really anything I can say/do with regards to their relationship

 

[Brewtime87]

First time poster and I literally don't know where else to ask.
Married my first boyfriend age 19. Together over 20 years but the relationship was quite abusive mentally and emotionally. He's changing etc and hasn't been treating me badly in about 3 years.
In the last year this guy started in work and we just clicked. He makes me feel so good about myself, will compliment my hair, we can chat and have a laugh, takes a genuine interest in me. We can chat and joke for ages but this is where is gets complicated.
He's extra nice to me, there has been some innuendo jokes from time to time. He knows of the abuse I have been through with my husband etc and he was supportive making sure I was OK.
I have no experience in this and I have never felt the way I do about this guy.
I am not a looker and have been told for years I am an embarrassment. There is no way he could be attracted to me and I assume its just banter and him being friendly.
Leaving my husband isn't an option for various reasons I can't explain but if I thought I would get a chance with this guy I would take it which isn't me at all .
Do I ask this guy to stop being so nice to me and giving me compliments as it's giving me the wrong idea.
I feel like I'm going insane with these feelings and need them to go away.
Really appreciate any advice x

I would tell your work friend that while you really appreciate his support and kind words, that you just want to be clear that you are not looking for anything more than friendship and you are not wanting to leave your marriage, so if he could kindly consider that before making some of the comments that could be misconstrued.
But can I please tell you that you are your own person, you do not owe anyone anything and you deserve to be happy. I'm sure you're a beautiful person and life is too short to spend it with people who don't appreciate you and who don't see your worth. I'm not for a second suggesting you give things with the colleague a go, but where you say that you can't leave your marriage... You absolutely can no matter how daunting or scary it might feel. Sometimes you have to be selfish in life and put yourself first, and think your long term happiness.
Never settle for anything less.

 

[Meg78]

Spoiler: Spoiler : long

It's meant to be confidential whilst investigated but he has been telling people his version of events, which is that I've pursued him, pressured him for sex, I'm so clingy to him & he didn't send a video but if he did I wanted it. He's also claiming to know my address & my car.

I've sent HR numerous screenshots of him asking to meet me & me refusing, me blocking him on social media & him messaging me from new accounts, there's minutes from a meeting I had with management back in July where I was complaining he was being inappropriate towards me (asking for nudes & sending an unsolicited dick pic), people have come forward to tell HR of times he has made inappropriate sexual comments regarding me/my body.

HR have been honest & said they've not really dealt with a case like this before, which is why it is taking longer than expected. Its been 2 weeks today since I raised the issue. I've been called in for additional questioning 4 times, including quite personal questions like "you said you've not had a relationship with a work colleague, but we know you went on a date with [name of a different colleague] once. Do you see how that's a contradiction?" So I've had to explain that 1 date is not a relationship and it didn't go anywhere, plus the amount people gossiped about it put me off the idea of dating anyone from work. Asking me how I know it was [perpetrator]'s penis in the video if we haven't had sexual relations before (I don't know it is his dick, but it was a live video sent to me from his social media account) asking me if I frequently gossip in work etc. It has been really stressful and I can't talk to anyone about it at work or defend myself; because it is meant to be confidential. I know people are talking about me, nobody sat with me at the work Xmas do

It's always on my mind, I'm struggling to sleep, I'm so anxious going into office that sometimes I'm actually sick with nerves.

I just want it to be over.

I'm on annual leave now until new year but have asked they keep me up to date with everything anyway as don't want this hanging over my head over Xmas.

My sibling is police and helped me report sexual harassment at work a few years ago. HR are to protect the company, not you. Report it and protect yourself please

 

[AshMay]

I hope we don't get more and more like the US with tipping culture. It's expensive enough! I prefer the option of tipping for something standout rather than it being expected.

 

[cwymmie]

Hiya all, not a problem as such but looking for suggestions. Tomorrow marks a year since my partner expectedly lost his lovely Dad. Should I be getting/doing anything for my partner to mark the day? I don't want him to think I'm treating it as any other day but not sure what on earth I could do?

Every year on the anniversary of a death in my life, my husband buys me a “thinking of you” card and just writes “love you” in it, and some flowers. It’s really lovely to know he remembers each year and cares.
I know flowers aren’t most men’s cup of tea so maybe his favourite chocolate or something small just for a little treat/pick me up.
I don’t think there’s a right or wrong really, grief is hard to navigate isn’t it!

 

[Snippysnips]

I was at a party last night & my friend's boyfriend kept trying to pressure me to take coke..I kept saying no and then in the end he gummed me when I was laughing. How do I politely tell him he's crossed a boundary with me?

Honestly like another said, I would in no way be polite, in fact I'd actually be reporting it, but if you still want to be good friends with your friend I'd be letting them know that no means NO, an in future if it's not respected then it might be best to put a end to the friendship, if my friend thought that was acceptable for their bf to do that to others then I really wouldn't want to remain friends

What an absolute arse, there's no telling how anyone will react to that, I know it's farfetched to say that it could have made you incredibly ill or even hospitalised you but these things have happend

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

update I received a reply to my email


Good Morning
Our engineer attended yesterday @ 14.30 but there was no answer from the door. He tried calling your landline and mobile but neither number was working.



Strange how last time they did not have a phone number for me and now they have two!


My reply

I was sat here all the time, I don't watch TV or listen to the radio so no way would I not have heard anyone knocking I do not use a phone as I have already informed you last time.

Will anyone be coming today, please?
Thank you



Her reply

An engineer will attend again this morning and I have asked him to knock loud.

Kind regards,


my reply

Thank you name
No need to knock loud I'm not deaf, nor daft.
But I thank you for getting someone to come today, it's very much appreciated

name




I believe if I had not copied in my housing officer the outcome would have been very different! that's if they actually come, The lady must WFH as she sent the email just after 7am.

I fucking hate this sort of BS where they blame you when they 100% didn’t attend.
I’ve had similar before and then I use the old “ we have CCTV, I can prove nobody was here”. Doesn’t make any difference

 

[Mamacita]

Ive just seen a rat in my garden do I need to do anything?

I don't think so apart from general precautions on making sure you manage any bins well etc and maybe keep an eye on it to make sure it's not part of a bigger rat problems but maybe someone else can weigh in

Alternatively was it wearing a chef's hat and responds to the name Remy? If so maybe you can get him to make dinners?

 

[didisaythatoutloudoops]

Hello all! Update for you on my previous post - in short, daughter resigned from her job (amicably) and her boss has decided make her life a living hell for her 5 weeks of notice.

He's continuing to belittle, humiliate her, tell her to do one thing on the phone and claiming a totally different thing once she's done it - in front of colleagues. Banning her from meetings and shouting at her for not knowing what was said in them, etc. Worst of all for her, only one colleague has reached out to her to ask if she's ok. She hasn't asked them for anything, but she's really quite hurt that not a single one will even ask privately if she's doing alright - they're watching the boss act like this and burying their heads in the sand. She's hurt because they were a small office and all very close, and she's certainly helped them through tough times.

The doctor has put her on anti-anxiety medication and is willing to sign her off on sick leave until the end of her notice, which is now about 3 weeks. She knows going on it would absolutely burn any bridges, and leave her colleagues in a mess, which is why she's reluctant. But I'm really worried about her mental health - I've never seen her like this. She's in tears all day long, even at the weekend. This just isn't her. She's trying to keep a brave face up but I can see her crumbling each day.

Any advice? I want her to just take the sick leave and tell them to F off, but I'd appreciate any input.

 

[avabella]

I did something morally grey today…. Found a yellow sticker item with two yellow stickers, and took off the higher priced yellow sticker so it scanned as lower. Doesn’t sound too bad, until you find out the prices it was a 12 portion slab pie from the entertaining range, a cancelled order, originally £18, yellow stickered down to £6.50 on the top, and another yellow sticker on the side saying “was £2.20, now 75p”! I knew fully well it must be a mistake and someone has put the wrong sticker on, but I still did it, and I feel a bit like I stole it

That was my shop you were in and an old lady came in after you to ask if we still had it as she'd been reunited with her family and wanted to treat them.


Jokes, enjoy your pie

 

[cee-bee]

It is just an internal HR investigation, I was worried to raise it anyway in case I was making a fuss. But HR keep pulling me in for further questioning, like Thursday I was in for an hour and a half whilst they asked me stuff like "how does he know what car you drive?" .... I drive to work so it's no secret

oh my god. It’s deeply unethical IMO that they’ve kept this internal. No wonder you’re stressed. They are working to safeguard their reputation, not protect you. That’s why they are trying to discredit you.

I’d strongly encourage you to ensure you have captured any evidence (so potentially saving any emails for example, showing interactions with this man as well as the actual video itself). I’d then suggest you contact the police as soon as you’ve done this. Preferably today.

this is a crime, a criminal offence. A serious one. You are absolutely not kicking up a fuss. This type of sexual offending is not a small thing, because men like this can and do go on to commit more serious offences. That’s why it’s so important it’s on his police record. It’s shocking that your place of work is dismissing this and trying to place the blame on you by the sound of things. The only person kicking a fuss up out of nothing is this guy, when he decided to sexually harass you and break the law. He has caused the disruption, not you. Victims of crimes are allowed to advocate for themselves. That is not kicking up a fuss.

please, please report this. Because not only is your workplace denying you justice for the crime committed against you, they are heaping more stress on you and denying you the support that is available to victims of crime. Truly abhorrent behaviour. Both this man and your work colleagues are seriously fucked up.

please please call the police. Don’t discuss it with HR or any colleagues. And if you have a moment of doubt, jump on this thread and tag me. I’m SO sorry you’re being treated this way. If it helps, you’re not alone. I am sick to death of hearing from my female friends and colleagues, the myriad of ways we get dismissed and mistreated. If you ever worry you’re making up a fuss, then remind yourself you are important. Your feelings and experiences matter and deserve to take up space, attention and time. Especially when you’ve been wronged.

 

[didisaythatoutloudoops]

Hello all! Update for you on my previous post - in short, daughter resigned from her job (amicably) and her boss has decided make her life a living hell for her 5 weeks of notice.

He's continuing to belittle, humiliate her, tell her to do one thing on the phone and claiming a totally different thing once she's done it - in front of colleagues. Banning her from meetings and shouting at her for not knowing what was said in them, etc. Worst of all for her, only one colleague has reached out to her to ask if she's ok. She hasn't asked them for anything, but she's really quite hurt that not a single one will even ask privately if she's doing alright - they're watching the boss act like this and burying their heads in the sand. She's hurt because they were a small office and all very close, and she's certainly helped them through tough times.

The doctor has put her on anti-anxiety medication and is willing to sign her off on sick leave until the end of her notice, which is now about 3 weeks. She knows going on it would absolutely burn any bridges, and leave her colleagues in a mess, which is why she's reluctant. But I'm really worried about her mental health - I've never seen her like this. She's in tears all day long, even at the weekend. This just isn't her. She's trying to keep a brave face up but I can see her crumbling each day.

Any advice? I want her to just take the sick leave and tell them to F off, but I'd appreciate any input.

So, latest update - she's going on sick leave. She's got the appointment Friday to be signed off but has asked her GP if he can confirm early that he'll definitely sign her off for the whole period. This is because she'll be in the office tomorrow and will hand over all of her items then, so that she can simply leave that day and never have to see them again. She has a one-to-one weekly meeting with her boss at 1:30pm and is going to tell him then all going well.

I know that conversation is going to be hell - and probably a screamfest on his side more than a 'conversation'. Aside from 'grin and bear it because you're escaping', any advice on what she should/shouldn't say? Should she even hand her belongings in that day, or act like everything is fine and simply email following the GP appointment that she won't be returning? Etc etc. All advice appreciated. Thank you!

 

[Brewtime87]

Not really sure what to do with my depression any more. I've been working on myself in therapy for literally 20 years (been going since I was 14), I'm on antidepressants, I got a dog, I have enough money to be comfortable but I'm just so tired of living. Today was again one of those mornings where I just didn't see the point in living any more. I'm tired of it, of the struggle, of the random few days where I feel better and I get hopeful again only to fall back into the hole time and time again, of which I have to drag myself out of painfully, slowly, exhaustingly. But there's really only either continuing to suffer like this, dragging myself out of the hole, or simply offing myself to finally be done with it all. If it wasn't for my dog I don't think I'd have survived the last years of crushing despair tbh. How am I supposed to be doing this for the next 30 odd years? I don't think I can. Nothing ever changes, I'm still as lonely as I was when I was 14, I'm still as unhappy, even though therapy worked really well for me and I'm an entirely different person. I have friends and acquaintances, I have a distant but ok relationship with my parents (they were emotionally abusive), and a great relationship with my siblings, but I'm still so incredibly lonely it's literally making me sick in the head.

I'm sorry I have no advice but I couldn't scroll by without stopping to tell you that you matter and aren't alone. I really truly hope the brighter days become more frequent for you. X

 

[trudyjudy007]

It is just an internal HR investigation, I was worried to raise it anyway in case I was making a fuss. But HR keep pulling me in for further questioning, like Thursday I was in for an hour and a half whilst they asked me stuff like "how does he know what car you drive?" .... I drive to work so it's no secret

Why hasn’t your workplace reported this? You absolutely need to tell the police and you need counselling also. My country has a freephone helpline for people who have been victims of crimes, you may be able to find something similar. You can also visit your GP to be referred for counselling or you can go privately. Would medication help short term to alleviate symptoms?

Your anger/outbursts/irritability are because you’re shouldering too much of this alone.

 

[dinosaursideways]

You're right. I'm just overthinking and panicking.

I'm not sure what the police will do

Very belated but I (unfortunately) have some experience of this

You don't need to decide if it's an overreaction or to know what the police can do. That's their job, not yours. That's why you report it - so they can give you advice, decide if there is anything to investigate further or any action to be taken. And so something is recorded somewhere, so a paper trail is started. If you want support you could speak to an ISVA but in my experience they're not hugely helpful. But they do exist.

Same for employment lawyers - you don't need to know all the ways your employers have fucked up, that's ACAS/your union/any other employment lawyers job. Find someone reputable, explain what is going on, and let them support you & tell you what they're going to do/how they can help.

There is a lot that can be done by the police before reaching the "taking this to CPS to decide if its in the public interest to pursue as a criminal matter with a sufficient burden of evidence" threshold. Someone being charged/convicted isn’t the only possible route.

If something doesn't merit a restraining order, the police can serve a harassment notice. If they think its of enough concern it can be recorded in a way they can share it in future under Clare's Law. If he currently or in the future wants to work anywhere he needs an enhanced DBS, it may impact that. There may be other similar reports, and your report could lend weight to them or another police service deciding to take action/investigate further. It may make other victims more credible. It may show him he doesn't have power over you.

It makes me really sad to see how you are being victimised, not only by him but by your employer and colleagues. I hope you're signed off work sick at the moment, and I hope you have some tangible support. None of it is your fault, and you've been let down and victimised by many people - but you do have some power, in that you can reach out for help from people who may be able to hold him and/or your employers to account.

 

[littlepup]

No I haven't.


I've had messages from people saying they feel I should be suspended because it's my word against his (they obviously don't know about all the evidence I have) I'm so upset

Your employer has not protected you from this which they have to by law. By his talking about it, it’s further harassment. You have a clear cut case against them, especially with the minutes showing he’s already harassed you. What steps did they take then, anything? Keep a copy of everything you have in writing, anything verbal, note date and time. Speak to an employment lawyer.

 

[Lollylaylow]

Thank you @littlepup and @Popcornshovel, I've passed on the message. I think you're both 100% right. Sadly he's the CEO of a relatively small company - so HR to him is just an annoying fly to swat.

Thankfully she's off to a role on triple her current salary and she impressed them so much at interview and with the practical tests that they want her ASAP, no need for references. I'm a proud mum!!

People don't make a fuss like that when a crap employee leaves, only when they are losing a good one

 

[cee-bee]

Please see this for what it is - HR are being crap because they want you to drop the case. They don't want it actually dealt with. They're asking you these questions to undermine you.

If it was me, I would be going off sick for stress to avoid the workplace and asking HR when they will be suspending/dismissing the man.

i agree totally. This is weaponised incompetence and misogyny at its finest. If this guy was embezzling money from the company, you can bet your life they’d suddenly find a reserve of skill and experience to handle it, there would be a layer in the room and he sure as hell wouldn’t be allowed to continue working to complain that he wasn’t stealing and it was resting in his account. Nah, he’d be fired within days.

but because the victim is a woman, and because it’s a sex related crime, it’s being shrugged off here. They just “don’t know how to handle it”. Except They absolutely do. They have a legal obligation to know how to handle it. They are lying to you.
Worse, they are potentially putting your other colleagues in danger, not to mention placing additional trauma on to you by allowing this man to continue at your workplace and spread lies.

I’m really disgusted at how you’ve been treated OP.
are you a member of any trade unions at all?

If it were proven no crime had been committed, because sending a video on itself isn’t a crime, the accused could pursue the accuser legally.

sending a wanking video without the receiver’s consent is 100% a crime. The accused has zero recourse to pursue the accuser legally, based on the info we have given.