The advice thread for random problems #4

[watermelon sugar]

Thanks guys we had it with gravy and it was banging

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I'm estranged from my family, but I recently found out that I'm a beneficiary in a will as my gran has left me some money. I was not estranged from my gran but I am from the person who is in charge of sorting out probate.

I'm not really sure who to contact about this or whether to just leave it and let them have it. It is a significant amount of money.

They can’f just “take” the money. Have you seen the will? Presumably somebody has let you know you’ll be receiving money.
Just wait patiently as it takes some time to sort out. Mr Lolz is currently awaiting payment from probate and it’s taken almost two years to get here.

 

[AshMay]

Wtf I'm furious on your behalf @Thank(space)you sending big hugs

 

[stargirl23]

Not really sure what to do with my depression any more. I've been working on myself in therapy for literally 20 years (been going since I was 14), I'm on antidepressants, I got a dog, I have enough money to be comfortable but I'm just so tired of living. Today was again one of those mornings where I just didn't see the point in living any more. I'm tired of it, of the struggle, of the random few days where I feel better and I get hopeful again only to fall back into the hole time and time again, of which I have to drag myself out of painfully, slowly, exhaustingly. But there's really only either continuing to suffer like this, dragging myself out of the hole, or simply offing myself to finally be done with it all. If it wasn't for my dog I don't think I'd have survived the last years of crushing despair tbh. How am I supposed to be doing this for the next 30 odd years? I don't think I can. Nothing ever changes, I'm still as lonely as I was when I was 14, I'm still as unhappy, even though therapy worked really well for me and I'm an entirely different person. I have friends and acquaintances, I have a distant but ok relationship with my parents (they were emotionally abusive), and a great relationship with my siblings, but I'm still so incredibly lonely it's literally making me sick in the head.

Have you tried changing medication/therapy? I was the same I felt stuck in a rut but changed antidepressants then went from counselling to cbt and found it so much better for me personally and got out the rut I felt stuck in. Really hope you’re okay and you feel better soon

 

[Meg78]

I did something morally grey today…. Found a yellow sticker item with two yellow stickers, and took off the higher priced yellow sticker so it scanned as lower. Doesn’t sound too bad, until you find out the prices it was a 12 portion slab pie from the entertaining range, a cancelled order, originally £18, yellow stickered down to £6.50 on the top, and another yellow sticker on the side saying “was £2.20, now 75p”! I knew fully well it must be a mistake and someone has put the wrong sticker on, but I still did it, and I feel a bit like I stole it

 

[WeHadFunRight]

Sorry but I’m really not sure where to put this, so hope someone can offer some wisdom.
My daughter is 5 (nearly 6). She’s a very sensitive, sometimes anxious, little girl. My husband’s parents both passed away before she remembers them, my FIL passed away when my husband was about 12 and his mum left us in 2020. For some reason them dying has created some worry in her and now she is very scared of dying, even way into the future and leaving her children. And she’s worried her best friend might die and she won’t get to see her anymore. I was just doing bedtime where she said “mummy I’m so excited for Easter!” And then about a minute later she said “mummy, I’m so scared of dying, I’m not really excited about Easter at all, all I can think about is going to heaven” we did her hand breathing to calm her down and I talked to her about thoughts about things we can’t control and thoughts about things we can control, and I said well keep telling her brain that it doesn’t have any control over it and it’s not going to happen for a long time anyway so let’s not worry about it now - and I said well say the same thing to your brain tomorrow too, and that seemed to help but she seems so much more sensitive and thoughtful than I ever was when I was little I don’t know how to help her really.

Update on this, she said she’s tried telling her brain that she’s not going to think about it but has decided instead to accept that that is how she feels because that’s what a cartoon character (Dee in Oz) did and that seemed to work for her.

 

[TheGlossy]

Not seeking advice - just needed to vent.

One of the food shops in my neighborhood closed for good today. I didn’t realize it was closing as it was still open at 1pm. When I returned home at 5pm, everything was gone (name on the wall etc).

The shop was a staple for 10+ years and was literally gone in an afternoon. I’m feeling so emotional about this - I nearly teared up. It’s going to feel extremely odd not having this ship around

 

[Popcornshovel]

Second dress - the first one looks like it hangs oddly in the middle. The second is a classic style and you'd be able to wear it for years to come.

 

[Lollylaylow]

Yeah bleach doesn't kill mould - it simply... bleaches it so you don't see it any more.

Strange how bleach was always used until they made a proper targeted product and then all of a sudden they say, bleach doesn't work, All bleach does is bleach things.

Bleach in tiny amounts is used to purify water if you are ever stranded without fresh water, I'm pretty sure it doesn't just bleach the germs and make them look pretty.

I've always used bleach for everything. my mum never washed her mug and it was disgusting thick brown tea stains you could feel the stains, not just see them, put some bleach in no scrubbing and the stain was gone, nice smooth cup, not a stain to feel, if it just bleached it the stain would still be there and you would feel it.

 

[square_spoon]

It’s not a disciplinary matter so don’t panic. They can’t force you to sign it but do keep in mind they can make your life low key difficult if you don’t so you may end up looking for a new employer out of choice. If they bring it up again say you’re aware of the matter and engaging with advice from your union on how to proceed and you’ll come back to them when that process is completed.

I think they’re using a standard agreement that would be used for everyone else and thinking it applies to you too, when the circumstances of your employment are different to a standard staff member. Don’t be too bothered by it, it’s administrative ineptitude at its finest and I’m sure it will be resolved.

 

[Captainmouse]

It's the first time he's ever essentially drugged me, but he's crossed boundaries in the past by being sexually inappropriate towards me and he's pinned me up against the wall by my throat once.

She loves him so there's not really anything I can say/do with regards to their relationship

Maybe only see her without him

 

[littlepup]

I’ve recently plucked up the courage to leave a violent ex, blocked him on all social media platforms but he emails me with nasty messages, last week in one day I had over 50 emails, I did respond by asking him to leave me alone & saved them, I rang 101 to report him they said it’s harassment, the police have been to see me & recommended a non molestation order, but in order to get one I as the victim have got to pay for it as I don’t qualify for legal aid even though I only work part time, the domestic abuse helpline did ask me very strange questions like do I have anything worth over £500 & only asked how much rent I paid, said no other bills/food are taken into consideration, I told her I would think about it as it’s a few hundred pounds which I just can’t afford at the moment, has anyone else taken one of these orders out?

I can’t help with the question you’re asking but wanted to say well done you!
One piece of info I heard in the past that stuck with me that might be relevant… when someone sends 500 messages and finally gets a response telling them to leave you alone, all they see is that it takes 500 messages to get a response rather than the response itself which isn’t what they’re interested in. They’ll do it again and do it quicker to try to get the response again until you’re hounded.
Maybe he wanted to get a point across and is now done but If he continues to message you, it might be in your best interest not to respond further. It’s likely a way to continue to control and abuse you and you own him nothing.

 

[littlepup]

I wasn’t sure where to put this so here seems like a good place!

Basically, I have been toying with starting my own business for a couple of years and have been putting things in place for a while.
I also attend a dance class which gained some new members when the school moved to new premises about 18 months ago. One of the new members is a former dance teacher. Last year she mentioned in the WhatsApp group that she wouldn’t be able to attend for a while because she was doing a course at night college. She wants to set up the same business as I do. Well, she now has set up that business.
She is a very confident person and loves being the centre of attention. She’s not even slightly humble and I have never warmed to her.
Nobody knows that I want to also set up the same business and I feel awkward whenever it is mentioned. It can also be quite cliquey and it gives me the ick to see the owner of the school blowing smoke up the arse of certain people. We are all your customers and we should all be valued!
Anyway, I feel awkward whenever this business is mentioned and they are telling her how great she is. I feel like I am keeping a dirty secret even though I’m not. I don’t feel threatened by her. There’s room for all of us, but I’m not sure that she would see it that way. I also don’t want it to look like I am doing it just because she has. I also don’t want to put the rest of them in an awkward position even though I don’t expect them to be my customers either - unlike her!
This has made it difficult for me to go to my classes. Although I think this is partly because of the favoritism. I shouldn’t have to feel like this and after all of the work that I have done personally, it feels unfair that I have to face this rather than go ahead and concentrate on hopefully changing my life. My friend said to just let it go over my head, but I just can’t. So far I am choosing avoidance. I do know a few business coaches, but it’s not really a business problem!

Find a new dance class and forget the other lady and teacher. Business or no business it doesn’t sound like a nice environment. I can’t imagine anything worse that going back to a pissing match of popularity like high school tbh.

Re the business, keep doing what you’re doing. Keep an eye on that competitor to see what they’re doing well and badly and launch when you feel ready.

 

[Popcornshovel]

My poor daughter resigned from her job this week - she's not been happy for quite a while (bad management). She left amicably, offered them an extended notice period to cover an important event and make sure none of her colleagues would be burdened, and to train a replacement.

Her boss called her today and tore her apart, told her he's glad because everyone in the office hates her and wants her gone and every member of senior management has been begging to fire her for months. Apparently every single colleague has complained about her to him. He rambled like a madman and said he'll even consider suing her for 'faking sick leave' - she had her gall bladder removed, had two weeks off, and came back and resigned. She interviewed on the last day of sick leave but legally, what could he actually sue for? She had the surgery and the doctor said she's allowed to leave the house.

She knows what he said isn't true, she has a great relationship with her colleagues, but she's distraught nonetheless. She's in her twenties and he's a misogynistic old narcissist who ripped her to shreds. What can I say to her that would help?

Just try to reassure her that this is a him problem and not a problem with her. He's probably lashing out because she won't be under his control anymore!

If she's got a sick note for the days she was off then she'll be fine legally. I highly doubt anyone would pursue legal action about sick leave anyway because of the cost and expense, especially for only a few weeks off. Sounds like he was saying this to push her buttons! Sounds like this is in line with his usual behavior. She should keep calm and carry on for the notice period.

I've seen this before with these sexist dinosaur bosses - they kick off when the person resigns.

Try to remind her that soon she'll be out of this horrible workplace and never need see him again. And that she should remember he's the problem and not let it knock her confidence.

 

[square_spoon]

He might be known to them already, you might not be the first, but ultimately if no one reports anything, even though we know they won’t do anything when you do, how can the police ever start to build a case against repeat offenders?

Do report it to the police. Although this happened in a work setting consider the two ‘cases’ entirely separate for the purposes of your safety, in so far as regardless of the fact this happened at work it is still something that should be reported to the police. Whatever the outcome of the HR process is, it’s important you make it known to those outside of HR what he has done/said, and some advice and practical supports from the police can only be a good thing for you.

HR is ultimately there to protect the company, though even the most useless HR person (of which there are unfortunately many) would see this as a grounds for dismissal. I’d like to believe they are just going through the motions to make sure that the procedure is airtight so he can’t come back and take a case on a procedural technicality. Your safety and well-being at work is your priority, and go as far as you need to so that you can preserve it.

 

[didisaythatoutloudoops]

Does anyone have any advice how to stop over thinking something? Once I’ve got something in my mind I find it very hard to let go of, it can invade every part of my life and I end up making mistakes/not doing actual life because I have something going round and round in my brain

I struggle with this too. I try to think of whatever I'm over thinking about - as if it has happened to a friend and they're telling me. Take my recent overthinking - I farted in front of a date. Yep.

Now obviously because it happened to me it's the absolute end of the world. But if I went for a coffee with a friend and they told me, I'd find it absolutely hilarious and if anything quite charming. So now I'm trying to apply that to myself - rather than thinking it makes me a horrible rancid ogre, I'm trying to laugh it off.

Not sure how much sense I've made but that's my idea!

 

[Lollylaylow]

If someone (not me) is suspended from work whilst a sexua harassment claim is ongoing, what is the liklihood of them being allowed to a work Xmas party?

None!

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Is it rude to take the service charge off a bill even if the service has been good? I’d rather just leave a cash tip at the end of the meal if the service has been worth leaving one.

The other week we were in a restaurant we go to a lot for over 4 hours because the service was that slow. I asked to remove the service at the end which I felt was justified but then I felt dead uncomfortable asking, like they’re gonna be really offended and I don’t know if I am overthinking it.

I worked in a restaurant about 10 years ago which charged a service charge on the bill, and you got an extra £1 an hour added to your wages. Not entirely sure what happened to the rest of it, felt like such a scam as a waitress. If someone asked to remove the service back then a manager had to come and do it and they’d be asking you loads of questions about why they want it removed which was so uncomfortable.

we’re going to London for the weekend and have a few meals booked in quite nice places and I can’t decide if taking off the service is going to be a situation

Don’t feel bad. I feel it’s an absolute cheek to add a service charge without asking first. I’ll only tip if I thought the food and service was goo and then it’s up to my discretion

 

[Lollylaylow]

I fucking hate this sort of BS where they blame you when they 100% didn’t attend.
I’ve had similar before and then I use the old “ we have CCTV, I can prove nobody was here”. Doesn’t make any difference

I actually have a video doorbell but was going to save that if she carried on the pretence. I just don't get it, why not just say sorry and rebook but to make it out its me and with that added passive-aggressive I will tell them to knock loudly argh

Even with the doorbell everyone knocks as well as rings, no way did they come

 

[Thank(space)you]

I'm going to recommend exactly what others have. He's committed a crime (possibly more than one) and you have evidence. Please, please report it to the Police. You can do that online via a live chat box (with an actual person though) initially, if that would feel easier than going into a station.

I also think you should give some thought to the level of stress you're actually feeling over Christmas, paying attention in particular to how you feel as your return to work date approaches. You may need to consider getting the GP to sign you off for a little while. Don't push yourself to put a brave face on it unnecessarily. This is a perfectly reasonable situation to need time off for. Your mental health is a priority.

Honestly the thought of work right now makes me feel sick with anxiety. I've been checking my work email each night in case there's something from HR - nothing yet.