The advice thread for random problems #4

[Hmmm?]

Does anyone know how to report a YouTube channel without signing in?

I was scrolling down my feed this morning and came across what claims to be a ‘yoga’ channel posting full blown intimate parts photos. It seems the owner of this channel is a yoga teacher promoting ‘nude’ yoga by literally showing their private parts.

This should have no space on YouTube where kids can’t stumble upon this nonsense. I’m honestly disgusted this wasn’t filtered by YouTube.

I reported an account for that exact thing on YouTube. It came back as no violation!!

 

[Popcornshovel]

They told me to speak to him and try to resolve it between ourselves in first instance.

This is awful! They shouldn't let this harasser anywhere near you, let alone encourage further contact.

No job is worth your peace. The employer is behaving appallingly (and illegally!) and I think this needs police and lawyer involvement.

 

[square_spoon]

Friendship dilemma:

My closest friend and I chat all day every day. Last met in person 1.5 weeks ago. Tentative plans to meet up this week.

She last replied to a message of mine on Tuesday.

Wednesday we last interacted on an online game.

Thursday was absolutely zero activity and I started to get worried something had happened.

Since Friday she has been active on our online games (but not interacting with me/anyone). Not replied or read to any of my messages on any platform.

I do have friends where if I don't hear from them for days/weeks/months it's not worrying or out of character. But with her it is different, it is VERY out of character. But as of yesterday I know she is alive, at least.

My best friend of over two decades ghosted me a couple of years ago, so I think I'm feeling a lot of the pain and confusion and fear of that now, and I don't want to be acting on an impulse to reassure myself/make myself better.

When I realised something was up I sent a "thinking of you/here if you need me" message. I could text, if she is avoiding the apps, or phone (though I know she hates calls). I stood down my plans to message her mum/partner in case something had happened to her, when I saw she had been active yesterday.

She does have various things going on in her life that I could see having a kind of sudden/acute change (family illness, caring responsibilities) but she has never disappeared from communication like this before.

What should I do? What's a "normal" response/course of action? Just think, okay, I know she is alive, and wait for her to get back in touch, if she ever does?

Are you sure the online activity is 100% reliable as opposed to browser or app refreshing on their own?

If it were me I’d send a short ‘it’s ok if you don’t want to talk but can you just let me know you’re ok so I don’t worry?’ message and then leave it and hope she sends a short reply. Unless there’s a history of harm/self-harm or she’s in a dangerous situation already I’d think contacting her family is a little over the top.

My bestie and I have a similar closeness and she dropped off the radar earlier this year in a similar way. Once she realised how worried I was she replied to let me know she was ok but needed to be alone because of some boyfriend stuff.

 

[Elle Woods]

Thank you all for the advice - I'm having lunch with my daughter today and I'm going to be showing her this. I hope she takes the sick leave and runs.Thank you all

How did it go speaking to your daughter yesterday? I really hope she is ok. No job is ever worth sacrificing your mental health for, it's really admirable that she's trying to push through but it's not worth it - they'll never ever thank her for it. Hopefully she can see that x

 

[square_spoon]

Hi all, just found this thread and wasn’t sure where else to post as some of the work related advice threads seem to be abit dead. I accepted a new job back at the end of November and I’m still going through pre-employment checks so haven’t been able to agree a start date etc. I haven’t told my current job yet but the issue I am having is that my probation period with my current job will end on the 31st Jan. If I quit whilst still in probation, I only have to work 1 weeks notice but if I quit outside of probation, I have to work 2 months notice. Obviously I don’t want to work 2 months notice if I can help it but I also don’t want to hand in my notice until I actually know that I’ve passed all the checks for the new job and ideally have a start date. I also feel like the longer it goes on, the more guilty I feel about not telling my current job that I’m leaving as they keep talking to me about future work for later in the year. I get on well enough with my current manager but I wouldn’t say we’re massively friendly with each other. I just don’t know whether to bite the bullet and tell them I’m leaving or whether to continue to wait it out but I feel like I’m on abit of a ticking time bomb with the end of my probation fast approaching. Any advice??

100% do not say a thing to your current employer until the new job is signed and sealed. I know you might feel a bit guilty about your current employee planning a future around you but honestly this is business, and it happens to companies all the time.

As Popcornshovel said, explain situation to new employer to see if that nudges them along. Don’t say anything absolute (i.e. say you ‘may’ become subject to a two month notice period beyond x date as opposed to you ‘will’) as you don’t want to turn them completely off either. Depending on who your current company is they may be willing to negotiate on the two months even if you pass probation as there are not many managers who would actively stand in the way of an employee who wants to leave and has something new lined up. Best of luck.

 

[Snippysnips]

Thank you! I've added her to my 'restricted' list on Facebook, so she can see nothing (not that I post anyway) but it still says we are 'friends'. I think you are totally right. I'm usually in my bloody pyjamas for a start, which is why I don't do impromptu visits. No bras are worn inside this house...

This was part of the recent text, the cat's name blurred not for his own anonymity but because it's so unusual people would know me on here (if they knew me). I'll send her a picture every few weeks to keep her docile and keep conversation to a minimum, I think.

View attachment 2769297

Honestly it sounds as if she's trying to emotionally blackmail you to keep you on a hook so that you are constantly at the ready for her, clearly the cat didn't mean that much to her if she wanted to leave it an essential give it up, if a pet means the world to you then you do whatever you can to keep it so obviously it wasn't that important to her, a few pics every few weeks seems more than reasonable an technically that is still maintaining contact as well so if that was the deal then you are still keeping to the deal, she doesn't need daily cat pics, but I'd definitely keep everything to a minimum an hopefully she will eventually move on an leave you

 

[Rxt156]

Maybe more of a question than needing advice, but... Is it a thing that negative people don't want you anymore when you become happier?

I've done a lot of work on myself in the past few years. I was horrendously ill with depression for years, now I'm more or less ok. An old boyfriend has gotten in touch, after we've not spoken for 12 years. He was always perfectly nice to me when we were dating as teenagers, but when he's been messaging me the past week, I've just felt that he was such a downer. Every single message is about how he's getting old (we're 30!) and he doesn't like his career and he wants more money (he has a really impressive career). I'm just not here for it. If he was an old friend I'd been in contact with for years, then I would want to support him, but he's basically an almost-stranger who just turned up in my inbox to tell me how shit everything is.

Yesterday I was getting dental work done. He messaged me asking how I was, "because that doesn't exactly sound like a great day." I felt a bit defensive because I was having a good day and I didn't need someone to come in and enforce their idea that everything is going horribly. I just replied, "Well I feel better for having it done." Now he's not replied since yesterday, even though he's been texting me constantly for a week. I don't want to keep talking to him tbh, so I don't care, it just made me wonder: are there people who want to use you to wallow in misery together and then when they realise you haven't got that mindset, they reject you? I've been noticing in recent years how many people are negative - not necessarily the same as people in bad circumstances or who have mental illnesses, but lots of people just have nothing nice to say about anything.

Sounds like a complete fun-sponge. Totally unaware of it too which is even worse because he will just continue sucking the fun out of everything. It’s a shame it happened as it sounds like he was a nice person but wow, you don’t need that kind of person in your life.

 

[stargirl23]

Just an update if anyone is interested, posted on the rant thread also.

[COLOR=%s]HR told me today basically they don't know how to proceed with the issue I've raised with the explicit video I received from a colleague unsolicited.
I've finally broken down and logged with the police. I've also mentioned to the police how I feel let down by my employer and how I don't feel they are taking me seriously.

Do I have to tell HR I've spoken to the police?

I've spoken to ACAS too and they said from the employment side of things they can only advise me to raise a grievance with HR about how I feel they have dealt with it.[/COLOR]

So sorry they’ve been so shit to you but I’m glad you’ve found the courage to go to the police. You do not need to inform anyone of this, if they need input from your workplace they’ll get in contact themselves. I hope they’re able to make you feel reassured because this isn’t your fault at all. Have you spoke to a GP and maybe asked for a counselling session? It may help you to get things off your chest x

 

[Pinkpenguinx]

Thank you. I tried to leave two years ago but with a mortgage, unable to afford rent etc it wasn't possible so we stayed together. He also told me over the years if I ever left he would make sure I never got to see my kids again so it's not worth losing my kids.
---

I also have a child, not easy at all when they are involved.
Your husband is not right, absolutely no court or authority will agree to what hes saying to you. They recognise the need for children to have equal input from both parents as being in thier best interest. That being said, your husband is abusing you, if this is known to authorities I would say its actually him who would be subject to some sort of limitations untill authorities are satisfied hes no danger to them.
As a single parent and where children's welfare are involved you are entitled to help with the financial costs of legal fees including a divorce.
I was financially better off as a single parent than in a couple with my ex husband. I agree its hard with housing, social housing is difficult to get in most areas, but there are other options, some local council have contracts with landlords who will accept a tennant receiving government financial help.
The push I needed was realising there is so so much more to life, I wanted my son to see me happy, in a happy and healthy relationship and to know that life is for living, not just surviving. We had the best of times when it was just us. Really hard I know, especially when you can't see a way out.

 

[Rxt156]

So we have had a letter through the door from some random company about flood defences, it's to be filled in but am not comfortable giving the details they want, what they want to know is

Who owns the house
How much it was bought for
If it's paid off or how much the mortgage is
Jobs an salaries
How long a day we are in the house
What we pay in bills

Is this legal to ask these things? I don't know who this company is or why they want to know this, they are nothing to do with the housing estate, it's just some random company, they also haven't told us anything about what flood defenses they are doing like what they are putting up or where

It said if we didn't fill it out they could show up at our door an fine us for it or face imprisonment, is this a way to scare us into filling this out?

Sounds dodgy to me.
Question 10:
How long you in the house for so I can break in

 

[cee-bee]

Yes, which I have said it hinges on consent.
I literally wrote “need to ensure a crime has been committed and that comes down to consent”.

And no, on the info we have been given no crime has been committed. But I understand why it needs to be investigated.

are you serious? OP has said it was unsolicited ergo no consent ergo on the basis of the information we’ve been given, a crime has indeed been committed

 

[didisaythatoutloudoops]

Hiya all, not a problem as such but looking for suggestions. Tomorrow marks a year since my partner expectedly lost his lovely Dad. Should I be getting/doing anything for my partner to mark the day? I don't want him to think I'm treating it as any other day but not sure what on earth I could do?

My honest advice would simply be to ask him. Sit him down and say you know that everyone handles things in different ways, it may be that he doesn't want to mark the day at all, or perhaps he would with a dinner or a trip etc. Tell him you're there to support him no matter what, and if he'd like to do something but can't think of what, you're happy to work with him on something. That's all you need

 

[Popcornshovel]

Firstly I really hope you're doing ok, @Thank(space)you - I can only say do what you need to do for yourself, and prioritise your own health (mental and physical). Jobs are replaceable, you are not.

Secondly... some advice following a post I made on a previous thread. It's a bit long so my apologies.

To summarise the previous post, I ended up meeting a neighbour on my street who is an elderly woman (her cat kept coming into my garden). She seems quite lonely and very quickly began wanting to meet regularly, text all the time, etc. Problem is, when I turn up, she won't let me go for hours - keeps on talking and talking with no boundaries/respect for time. Hard when I work full time with a daughter etc. I know it's a matter of loneliness but it makes popping in for a cup of tea difficult if it takes two hours each time. She also added me on Facebook despite me telling her I just don't really use Facebook anymore and never check it - she would bombard me with tags on pictures and sending me memes etc.

She ended up having to move (she rents) and when she told me, I said I'd miss her cat coming round. She ended up giving me the cat - while I made it very clear to her this is her decision and I absolutely understand if she doesn't want to, I was glad as her care of him was bare minimum and she never really cared about his whereabouts.

Just before handing his vaccination details, papers etc over to me we met up for a cup of tea. She asked about my boyfriend and I said we had split up, but all was amicable and he'd simply moved away for work (a small lie, I never had a boyfriend, but it was a convenient excuse to avoid seeing her!). I told her I'd be away with my daughter on holiday for a week and when I told her where, she said she had a friend who could give me recommendations. I said that's lovely, and eventually managed to get home. The next day she told me she'd contacted this friend... and sent me screenshots of their conversation.

She said that I had been 'brutally abandoned by my lover' and was 'angry and sad and in need of support'. She asked this stranger to 'look after me, make my stay nice and console me as I needed'. She then went on to describe me - said I was lovely and kind (fair enough) - but that I was 'very fat but seem to like it that way and her daughter is the same'!! She said on my Facebook, I 'only post pictures of me eating' and that my daughter 'is probably the same'. I'm a size 12 and my daughter a tall 16/18. I was totally shocked. This stranger ended up reaching out to me, I told her that the neighbour had asked too much of her and I only asked for some restaurant recommendations. She happily gave those to me.

Since then, I have only briefly spoken to the neighbour when she handed over the cat. This all happened in November and I'm still furious. I haven't been to her new home and don't want to. She messaged mid-December to ask for updates (I feel like I should have reached out but was just too angry, and had heard nothing from her) - I told her cat was settled in well and she's welcome to check on him. Nothing since then. On a brief Facebook check today, I saw a stroppy post from her saying she posts on Facebook a lot and if people don't like it or her they should block her. I'd like to think it isn't about me.

I feel guilty for not messaging her more but at the same time, she's not my relative, she now lives 45 minutes away and I felt she was shockingly rude to me. I have her cat and I'm happy to share updates but she's not reached out to me either. Am I in the wrong here? Should I just get over myself? Congrats if you made it this far!!

Woah you've put up with alot from this woman. You were nice to offer her company but she's taken it too far by sucking up all your time. Try to ignore the comments she made to the friend - I reckon she's either one of those people who lie/exaggerate or maybe she wanted a rise out of you by screenshotting them and sending to you. Or she's completely not self aware. Either way sound like she's adding nothing good to your life and I'd phase her out - especially as she's moved away. Lovely of you to take on the cat and give it more the bare minimum care she was giving.

 

[stargirl23]

Thank you. I tried to leave two years ago but with a mortgage, unable to afford rent etc it wasn't possible so we stayed together. He also told me over the years if I ever left he would make sure I never got to see my kids again so it's not worth losing my kids.
---

Thank you. I will try get a few min this week to have a chat with him. And see what he says.
I'm not used to being in a situation like this

Legally he cannot stop you seeing your kids. He’s saying that to manipulate you as he knows how much your children mean to you. Don’t feel you have to stay just for the children. You’re their mother and court will help you get joint custody with your husband if that’s what you want to do 🩷

 

[mochibean]

I hope we don't get more and more like the US with tipping culture. It's expensive enough! I prefer the option of tipping for something standout rather than it being expected.

I do get it in the US because oftentimes the servers rely on tips as they don't get a proper wage, but here they get paid an hourly rate.
I only tip if the service and food are good. I dislike tipping culture, I'm paying enough already for the food I don't want to pay service charges and tips on top of it.

 

[Lollylaylow]

Would you move to NI to self build if it meant leaving the house and area you love but you would be mortgage and debt free. Live in the countryside with no neighbours. Your husband could work less hours and you'll have a better quality of life?

My husband has decided that's what he wants to do, he just needs to convince me and our kids.

We'd have about 200k in the bank after selling our house.

He's a builder and thinks he could buy land and build a house for 150k

His uncle is selling 3 acres with planning permission within a 12 acre field

To add, I've never been to NI, never shown any interest in visiting. I've been with my husband 18 years and he's only been over a few times in those years for funerals.

Me, like a blooming shot! But I love peace and solitude and would love to have land to grow things maybe raise some animals, keep the kids from being immersed in the www and SM etc but sadly no one can answer for you

 

[LaBlonde]

You're right. I'm just overthinking and panicking.

I'm not sure what the police will do

they will (hopefully) protect you in a way that your frankly useless to the point of negligence HR department are not.

i’m so angry on your behalf. you NEED to call the police. and i would honestly also be taking legal advice against your employers; it’s literally a tickbox of breaches in how they’ve dealt with this.

 

[littlepup]

He’s assaulted you criminally twice, possibly 3 times. You could have reported him to the police.
You could have a job that requires drug testing, be pregnant (I mean, I guess if you were drinking that’s a bit far fetched but still), in recovery… there are many reasons it could have been awful for you not least just saying no, you don’t want to.
If he’s not just a drunk prick and this is a pattern of behaviour then he’s a dangerous individual who may be jealous of your relationship and would be happy to isolate her to gain more control. Sadly though you can’t be collateral damage. I’d tell him, not even your friend but him, if he so much as lays a hand on you again you’ll report him. If your friend can’t deal with that then it’s likely he’s controlling her. If it puts a wedge between the two of you I’d explain you love her but you can’t allow yourself to be around that kind of behaviour, you’ll always be there for, no matter what, no matter when and try to keep an eye on her so far as is possible.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

By chance today I met a Chinese lady. She was looking for help with something and as English wasn't her first language she was having trouble. Within our conversation related to what she was saying were some concerning revelations and she confirmed she had sought relevant help. She showed me some evidence when I asked more questions.
I'm so sad about this ladies situation. It doesn't seem like she has an advocate and seems alone left to suffer. She lives about 15-20 miles away from me and I have her phone number. I've contacted citizens advice, she says she has been in touch with them although I don't know the outcome.
Police have also been involved the Chinese lady said but again I don't know the outcome.
I have my own domestic responsibilities so they must take priority but I just want to know, what would you do to help if you were me?

It depends on what the issue is. DV, I’d probably try and get a local to her dv agency involved.
Or try and look for a Chinese cultural group in her area. We have one where I live so I assume they would be able to help with translation etc
Tbh you have done what you can by the sounds of it

 

[didisaythatoutloudoops]

So happy she done it, hope she enjoys her bottle of champagne, she deserves it

I can't thank you (and others) enough for your advice!