The advice thread for random problems #4

[HankMcPrank]

Thank you for being there for me whilst my son is in hospital.

 

[Thank(space)you]

Not advice but can you all please send me positive thoughts for tomorrow morning. I had an audit at work a few weeks ago & now they want a follow up meeting and I am panicking my first audit so I'm terrified

So after all that all the questions were errors another department had made so nothing to do with me

 

[stargirl23]

More curious to know if this is allowed

The doctors I go too, if you phone for a appointment the receptionist wants to know what you are going in for an if you don't tell them then they will deny a face appointment an only allow for a phone appointment, does this happen to anyone else? Honestly getting tired of it because sometimes the receptionist is male an quite honestly am not comfortable telling anyone especially a male what I want to see my doctor for, the doctors aren't allowed to disclose what patients are in for so why all of a sudden is it fine for receptionists to be asking

They’re allowed to ask but you’re not obliged to disclose anything to them. You’re within your rights to say it’s a personal matter and they’re not allowed to decline you an appointment because of it. They’re not medically trained at all so don’t need to know

 

[didisaythatoutloudoops]

Firstly I really hope you're doing ok, @Thank(space)you - I can only say do what you need to do for yourself, and prioritise your own health (mental and physical). Jobs are replaceable, you are not.

Secondly... some advice following a post I made on a previous thread. It's a bit long so my apologies.

To summarise the previous post, I ended up meeting a neighbour on my street who is an elderly woman (her cat kept coming into my garden). She seems quite lonely and very quickly began wanting to meet regularly, text all the time, etc. Problem is, when I turn up, she won't let me go for hours - keeps on talking and talking with no boundaries/respect for time. Hard when I work full time with a daughter etc. I know it's a matter of loneliness but it makes popping in for a cup of tea difficult if it takes two hours each time. She also added me on Facebook despite me telling her I just don't really use Facebook anymore and never check it - she would bombard me with tags on pictures and sending me memes etc.

She ended up having to move (she rents) and when she told me, I said I'd miss her cat coming round. She ended up giving me the cat - while I made it very clear to her this is her decision and I absolutely understand if she doesn't want to, I was glad as her care of him was bare minimum and she never really cared about his whereabouts.

Just before handing his vaccination details, papers etc over to me we met up for a cup of tea. She asked about my boyfriend and I said we had split up, but all was amicable and he'd simply moved away for work (a small lie, I never had a boyfriend, but it was a convenient excuse to avoid seeing her!). I told her I'd be away with my daughter on holiday for a week and when I told her where, she said she had a friend who could give me recommendations. I said that's lovely, and eventually managed to get home. The next day she told me she'd contacted this friend... and sent me screenshots of their conversation.

She said that I had been 'brutally abandoned by my lover' and was 'angry and sad and in need of support'. She asked this stranger to 'look after me, make my stay nice and console me as I needed'. She then went on to describe me - said I was lovely and kind (fair enough) - but that I was 'very fat but seem to like it that way and her daughter is the same'!! She said on my Facebook, I 'only post pictures of me eating' and that my daughter 'is probably the same'. I'm a size 12 and my daughter a tall 16/18. I was totally shocked. This stranger ended up reaching out to me, I told her that the neighbour had asked too much of her and I only asked for some restaurant recommendations. She happily gave those to me.

Since then, I have only briefly spoken to the neighbour when she handed over the cat. This all happened in November and I'm still furious. I haven't been to her new home and don't want to. She messaged mid-December to ask for updates (I feel like I should have reached out but was just too angry, and had heard nothing from her) - I told her cat was settled in well and she's welcome to check on him. Nothing since then. On a brief Facebook check today, I saw a stroppy post from her saying she posts on Facebook a lot and if people don't like it or her they should block her. I'd like to think it isn't about me.

I feel guilty for not messaging her more but at the same time, she's not my relative, she now lives 45 minutes away and I felt she was shockingly rude to me. I have her cat and I'm happy to share updates but she's not reached out to me either. Am I in the wrong here? Should I just get over myself? Congrats if you made it this far!!

Well, a rather dramatic update on this - she messaged this evening. I have heard nothing from her since mid-December and after all your lovely advice I chose to simply not proactively message either.

She is 'sad and disappointed' in my attitude - I act like she 'no longer exists' after giving me her cat 'took everything out of her emotionally'. It is 'negligent and cruel' of me. She 'expected me to keep promises'.

The actual message is about 500 words long and full of her moaning about me, her life, etc. Let me make it clear - when she gave me the cat, no strict agreement was given regarding any kind of messages, updates, etc.

I messaged back to say I'm quite shocked to hear all this, I haven't received any messages from her at all and she only need ask for updates. I'd love to tell her to fly into the sun but I'm actually in love with the cat now and have this lingering fear she'll go full psycho and try to get him back.

 

[cwymmie]

Having a row with my sister at the moment about self employment and needing to declare she’s selling some MLM (that was a row in itself)

She is adamant she doesn’t need to declare it as it’s not ‘full time employment’ and it’s ’just to make money on the side’. She also claims UC so I said she needs to be careful doing stuff like this as it could affect her claim. I’ve told her she needs to sort it out and register as self employed and declare this income, she said she doesn’t and that none of her friends who do similar ‘work’ declare it.

Someone back me up here before I end up losing my shit with her

She needs to register with HMRC as self employed. She then has to complete a self assessment online if she is earning over £1000 a year through this self employment.

She also must tell UC that she is self employed. Each assessment period they will then require her to list her earnings and expenses and they’ll work out from that how much to deduct from her UC claim.
She needs to be aware also that there is a minimum threshold that UC will expect her to earn via self employment. The rules are different if she has children under 3, but if they’re over 3 and she earns under that threshold they will declare that basically it’s not worth her time and she will need to seek different employment or earn more. Self employment and UC can be tricky to navigate.
But yeah she’s absolutely breaking the law and evading tax if she’s earning over £1000 a year.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Yeah I think I might talk to her about it tomorrow, it's not the first time he's crossed boundaries with me unfortunately! But she gets really bad hangovers so won't be in a fit state for a conversation today.

Yeah, definitely better to wait until she's feeling better. It won't be an easy conversation.

I actually feel really angry on your behalf, even though I don't know you. It's just an outrageous thing for him to have done. If it's not the first time he's behaved like that then it sounds like your friend would be better off without him.

 

[watermelon sugar]

Help - I can’t choose between the following two dresses:

View attachment 2740279

View attachment 2740278

Second one

 

[littlepup]

My poor daughter resigned from her job this week - she's not been happy for quite a while (bad management). She left amicably, offered them an extended notice period to cover an important event and make sure none of her colleagues would be burdened, and to train a replacement.

Her boss called her today and tore her apart, told her he's glad because everyone in the office hates her and wants her gone and every member of senior management has been begging to fire her for months. Apparently every single colleague has complained about her to him. He rambled like a madman and said he'll even consider suing her for 'faking sick leave' - she had her gall bladder removed, had two weeks off, and came back and resigned. She interviewed on the last day of sick leave but legally, what could he actually sue for? She had the surgery and the doctor said she's allowed to leave the house.

She knows what he said isn't true, she has a great relationship with her colleagues, but she's distraught nonetheless. She's in her twenties and he's a misogynistic old narcissist who ripped her to shreds. What can I say to her that would help?

He can’t do anything, the guy is an idiot, she’s best rid of.

But, I’d tell her to to take it to senior management and tell them exactly what was said, she could do it under the guise of being concerned about a reference and wanting feedback on her performance, or volunteering to leave sooner, rather than a complaint. Get in that she’s now wondering if his attitude toward her is what was making her unhappy and as he clearly has in issue with her and wonders if he was trying to get her to leave (hinting constructive dismissal).
She’s leaving, it doesn’t matter what they say, but they might offer her a better deal for departure or at the least give him a good bollocking. He’s a bully, there should be consequences. He’d probably be in trouble if she left sooner because of this rant too.

 

[stargirl23]

Thanks, its was nothing like that, just a normal white envelope and no spare envelope to return it too, there's a neighbour who's police so I'll talk to him about it since he will have gotten one, I just didn't want to be going round neighbours asking since I didn't want them thinking I couldn't tell it was a scam since these days most people tell you how obvious scams are an since no one's posted about it either it didn't help, like I say it's just the first time I've ever gotten a letter, I had no clue that scams could be done as a questionnaire

People are very clever these days and make scams look so legit so I’m sure your neighbour wouldn’t mind you asking. It’s better to be safe than sorry

 

[Snippysnips]

Does anyone know how to stop being messy?? and be more organised?

I’m embarrassed to say this but I’m a 33 year old, and my bedroom is constantly messy, like for example. I’ve got a big pile of stuff on my floor my mum is the same, like constantly tidying cause she’s messy too so I know it’s been passed on.

I do suffer from depression so now and again, I have no desire to tidy. But I do wish that I was one of those people who need to tidy even if 2 or things have been left on the floor!

Honestly being at the other end is just as bad, I wish I could be ok with a bit of mess but it will literally drive me insane if something is laying around an even when I really don't feel like getting up I just cannot handle having stuff sitting about

A few tips, I have little baskets inside drawers to keep things organised, like pens in one little basket, battery's in another, chargers in another etc, means when when an throwing things in a drawer its still being kept tidy, a laundry basket with different sections so white can go in one, colour in another an darks in another so clothes can just be thrown in an I don't need to sort through it when I need to wash, decluttering can help so much, I usually have one day a month where I'll declutter an send things off to a charity shop or sell or give things away that I no longer need/want, you could also set up a "schedule" or some sort, like I already have a routine in my head, I know what am doing each day, but even if it's something like Monday you will put clothes away, Tuesday you will put shoes away, Wednesday is dusting an hoovering etc those little things add up an you dont need to do more than one task unless you feel like it

It can be hard be getting started but give yourself a week for say one room an then once it's done just do a little each day to keep on top of it

 

[Brewtime87]

Thanks all, he's booked the day off work and is planning on brunch with his sister. There isn't a grave or churchyard so no real place to go and pay respects. I'm working but from home so I'll be on hand with cups of tea, posh choccies and even more affection than ever before.

 

[square_spoon]

I’ve never poached an egg before 🫣 please give me your best poached egg methods so I can show my husband I’m better than him at doing them for tea!

Large saucepan, two inches of water, splash of vinegar or lemon juice and bring to the boil. Crack eggs one at a time into a glass or little tumbler and when you’re ready to throw them in, turn the heat right down as low as it will go. Slide in one at a time and leave for around 3 minutes - no stirring! I have poached eggs for brekkie every morning and this is the only reliable method I’ve found where you don’t waste half the eggs

 

[Snippysnips]

Hello all! Update for you on my previous post - in short, daughter resigned from her job (amicably) and her boss has decided make her life a living hell for her 5 weeks of notice.

He's continuing to belittle, humiliate her, tell her to do one thing on the phone and claiming a totally different thing once she's done it - in front of colleagues. Banning her from meetings and shouting at her for not knowing what was said in them, etc. Worst of all for her, only one colleague has reached out to her to ask if she's ok. She hasn't asked them for anything, but she's really quite hurt that not a single one will even ask privately if she's doing alright - they're watching the boss act like this and burying their heads in the sand. She's hurt because they were a small office and all very close, and she's certainly helped them through tough times.

The doctor has put her on anti-anxiety medication and is willing to sign her off on sick leave until the end of her notice, which is now about 3 weeks. She knows going on it would absolutely burn any bridges, and leave her colleagues in a mess, which is why she's reluctant. But I'm really worried about her mental health - I've never seen her like this. She's in tears all day long, even at the weekend. This just isn't her. She's trying to keep a brave face up but I can see her crumbling each day.

Any advice? I want her to just take the sick leave and tell them to F off, but I'd appreciate any input.

I'd take the sick leave an never look back, her colleagues have shown true colours an I wouldn't want anything to do with them after how they have acted by not making sure she is ok

Take the 3 weeks as a rest, do hobbies, go for a walk, for swimming, go for little days out, go to the cinema, a meal out etc just anything that will let her rest an get back on her feet

 

[didisaythatoutloudoops]

How did it go speaking to your daughter yesterday? I really hope she is ok. No job is ever worth sacrificing your mental health for, it's really admirable that she's trying to push through but it's not worth it - they'll never ever thank her for it. Hopefully she can see that x

Thank you for asking! I told her everything, her friends have also given her exactly the same advice - so she's booked in with the GP on Friday. I think she's just scared of pulling the trigger so to speak. She's also very (I think overly) concerned with her professional reputation and likes to be helpful. Setting boundaries is hard for her.

I think she knows deep down it is a company that will try any manipulation they can to get people working even against their health. Another colleague, also on sick leave for mental health reasons for two weeks, was booked to attend an event the day after her planned return (basically to stop her extending her sick leave). A colleague who had knee surgery has been given no flexible working arrangements etc.

So I hope she goes through with it, in short.

 

[tomato_paste]

Sorry I wasn't very clear, my fault there. My understanding is she's got to hand over a work laptop, credit card, keys, etc. With how they've behaved so far I wouldn't want her to just leave them - I wouldn't put it past the boss to claim she smashed up the laptop and try and take the cost of a new one out of her final pay. So she's got a bit of admin to do at least. Her desk is packed up and ready to go.

The sick note will be coming the next day - so she'll have to send that in to HR by email. But she'll inevitably have to tell her boss, if she's going to give everything back that day.

Photograph the laptop, credit kard and keys before she leaves, or even video leaving it on the desk. Have evidence of it working. And then send an email with the video and doctors note.

 

[littlepup]

Firstly I really hope you're doing ok, @Thank(space)you - I can only say do what you need to do for yourself, and prioritise your own health (mental and physical). Jobs are replaceable, you are not.

Secondly... some advice following a post I made on a previous thread. It's a bit long so my apologies.

To summarise the previous post, I ended up meeting a neighbour on my street who is an elderly woman (her cat kept coming into my garden). She seems quite lonely and very quickly began wanting to meet regularly, text all the time, etc. Problem is, when I turn up, she won't let me go for hours - keeps on talking and talking with no boundaries/respect for time. Hard when I work full time with a daughter etc. I know it's a matter of loneliness but it makes popping in for a cup of tea difficult if it takes two hours each time. She also added me on Facebook despite me telling her I just don't really use Facebook anymore and never check it - she would bombard me with tags on pictures and sending me memes etc.

She ended up having to move (she rents) and when she told me, I said I'd miss her cat coming round. She ended up giving me the cat - while I made it very clear to her this is her decision and I absolutely understand if she doesn't want to, I was glad as her care of him was bare minimum and she never really cared about his whereabouts.

Just before handing his vaccination details, papers etc over to me we met up for a cup of tea. She asked about my boyfriend and I said we had split up, but all was amicable and he'd simply moved away for work (a small lie, I never had a boyfriend, but it was a convenient excuse to avoid seeing her!). I told her I'd be away with my daughter on holiday for a week and when I told her where, she said she had a friend who could give me recommendations. I said that's lovely, and eventually managed to get home. The next day she told me she'd contacted this friend... and sent me screenshots of their conversation.

She said that I had been 'brutally abandoned by my lover' and was 'angry and sad and in need of support'. She asked this stranger to 'look after me, make my stay nice and console me as I needed'. She then went on to describe me - said I was lovely and kind (fair enough) - but that I was 'very fat but seem to like it that way and her daughter is the same'!! She said on my Facebook, I 'only post pictures of me eating' and that my daughter 'is probably the same'. I'm a size 12 and my daughter a tall 16/18. I was totally shocked. This stranger ended up reaching out to me, I told her that the neighbour had asked too much of her and I only asked for some restaurant recommendations. She happily gave those to me.

Since then, I have only briefly spoken to the neighbour when she handed over the cat. This all happened in November and I'm still furious. I haven't been to her new home and don't want to. She messaged mid-December to ask for updates (I feel like I should have reached out but was just too angry, and had heard nothing from her) - I told her cat was settled in well and she's welcome to check on him. Nothing since then. On a brief Facebook check today, I saw a stroppy post from her saying she posts on Facebook a lot and if people don't like it or her they should block her. I'd like to think it isn't about me.

I feel guilty for not messaging her more but at the same time, she's not my relative, she now lives 45 minutes away and I felt she was shockingly rude to me. I have her cat and I'm happy to share updates but she's not reached out to me either. Am I in the wrong here? Should I just get over myself? Congrats if you made it this far!!

This probably explains why she doesn’t have a lot of people in her life.
It could be that she is rude, that she has a genuine social disorder so she can’t filter what’s appropriate or she could just be a straight talker with no filter and considers 12 large.
(I have someone in my life that sees nothing wrong with taking about a persons weight, once genuinely asked a friend ‘How do you manage in a bath being so big. Aren’t you worried it won’t take the weight with the water too?” They don’t think it was rude, just a genuine question!)
The other friend could have had a word and she’s embarassed or she could realise that at 45 mins away you can’t fulfill the role she seems to want from you.
I’d leave it and see where it goes. You don’t owe her anything and it’s not your fault if she’s lonely, she has your number.

 

[littlepup]

I'm kind of 'over' my relationship atm but is it too mean to have a chat about it before christmas ? I'm not sure if he's aware of my feelings at all but I guess if he doesn't see it that's part of the problem.

I've also never done this before so have no idea how to approach it.

I don't know if it's necessarily a break up but I'm not happy with how things are. For context we're both in our 20s and live at our family homes so I guess the 'stakes' aren't that high if that makes sense.

Sorry if this is inappropriate for this thread x

At least if you do it before Xmas, if it is a break up and he’s really cut up it’s a time where he’s at home with family, lots of social opportunities. Rather than January when it’s gloomy anyway and everyone’s staying in. Plus you won’t feel bad about accepting a present and being a couple over xmas then it ending.

And if it doesn’t result in a break up, you can have a happier time over Xmas together potentially.

 

[trudyjudy007]

No I haven't.


I've had messages from people saying they feel I should be suspended because it's my word against his (they obviously don't know about all the evidence I have) I'm so upset

Keep all of these messages and bring them to HR.

I’m not going to push you any further as this is clearly a very stressful situation for you but please go to the police, contact a solicitor and go to your GP to be signed off. Let HR know you will need to have legal advice before speaking with them again.

 

[Hastaggifted]

Defo though you might become known as a tight arse I'd give them 50 quid max and be done with ir

I don't mind being called a tight arse

*oops, friend doesnt

 

[Pinkpenguinx]

First time poster and I literally don't know where else to ask.
Married my first boyfriend age 19. Together over 20 years but the relationship was quite abusive mentally and emotionally. He's changing etc and hasn't been treating me badly in about 3 years.
In the last year this guy started in work and we just clicked. He makes me feel so good about myself, will compliment my hair, we can chat and have a laugh, takes a genuine interest in me. We can chat and joke for ages but this is where is gets complicated.
He's extra nice to me, there has been some innuendo jokes from time to time. He knows of the abuse I have been through with my husband etc and he was supportive making sure I was OK.
I have no experience in this and I have never felt the way I do about this guy.
I am not a looker and have been told for years I am an embarrassment. There is no way he could be attracted to me and I assume its just banter and him being friendly.
Leaving my husband isn't an option for various reasons I can't explain but if I thought I would get a chance with this guy I would take it which isn't me at all .
Do I ask this guy to stop being so nice to me and giving me compliments as it's giving me the wrong idea.
I feel like I'm going insane with these feelings and need them to go away.
Really appreciate any advice x

I know you say there is no options of leaving your husband, but there will be a way you just cant comprehend it right now. I married my first boyfriend , he didn't abuse me but like you I had the mindset that I couldn't leave, for lots of reasons I felt valid at the time. Something changed, and I did leave him, it was hard and sometimes I wonder how I got that strength to do it. It was the best thing I have ever done and thank god I did.
Life really is too short to be stuck, unhappy and dreaming of happiness.
I have had a second chance at a happy life so can you 🩷