The advice thread for random problems #3

[JoeBloggs]

I am going to go out on a limb here, but if you are having a child free wedding and someone asks if they can bring their baby it is a real frustration and I can get why she was annoyed. Maybe she is having difficulties, or her MIL is putting pressure on her and that's why she gives off the 'I hate kids' vibe. I get she is her sister, but you've had a baby so maybe she can't speak to you about how she feels so she distances herself on purpose.

 

[stardust1]

I had an interview for an internal role yesterday - I’ve worked with one of the interviewers before - he emailed me after to say well done & that I did a good job

Is that a good sign or is it a bit consolation -y? What would you think thanks

i’d take it as a positive

 

[skintsocks]

Me again - sorry! My son has decided who he wants to invite to his birthday party and there’s a few new names on there, and it seems as though they’ve come from the SEND unit at school, where my son has his extra lessons. of course I have no issue inviting these kids but I want to make sure everyone has a nice time- so is it socially acceptable for me to put “please let me know of any dietary requirements or additional needs” on the invite? Then I’ll have a better idea if I need some quiet space, or to turn the music down etc.

If I had seen that on an invite in the past I would have thought it was a caring and thoughtful thing to say. I'm sure the parents will be over the moon that their children are invited tbh, based on my previous experience.

 

[Elle Woods]

Is she blonde by any chance?

iykyk

 

[tomato_paste]

Stardust RN:

Tommy Wiseau The Room GIF - Tommy Wiseau The Room 2003 - Discover & Share GIFs

Click to view the GIF

tenor.com

 

[Thank(space)you]

Thank you all for your advice, I did explain I was new to it and how long I'd been doing it for, had some IT issues which was a nightmare and it was super in depth. I've done the best I can do so hopefully that's enough and it will all be okay nothing I can do now

 

[QueenBW]

I don't know if this is even something anyone could even help me with... Earlier this year I was at a house party with a group of friends, my best friend was there and she got so so drunk and started lashing out at everyone, physically attacking, me, my partner and our friend. I tried to calm her down because I knew she had been going through a tough time with her mental health but she just screamed at me for being a terrible friend. After that I told her to go home to her children to which she responded well at least I have children to go home to and then told me to take her children as she didn't want them. For reference, as my best friend she was aware of my struggles with infertility and had been a regular shoulder to cry on about it for years. How do I move past this? It has been months and I still feel heartbroken but according to another friend in our group I should be making an effort to sort things out. Can anyone advise me..Please and thanks

It sounds like your friend was going through severe mental distress, that type of aggression and bold statements like you should take her children seems beyond regular drunkenness. But that doesn't give her permission to treat you like that, and much less to not make amends herself. It doesn't mean either that you should give her a free pass or become a punching bag.

Has she sought help? Has she apologized, sincerely, to you for her actions that night? Has she taken responsibility for her own actions?

If the answers to these questions are no, then I don't see why you should be under any obligation to brush things under the rug.

You're allowed to feel whatever you're feeling, sad, betrayed, wary. Whatever. For your own sake I'd suggest forgiving her in a general manner, as in not holding a grudge or hating her because it sounds like she was completely out of her senses. But if she, the offending party, hasn't made any effort to apologize and make amends, I think the friendship is probably not one that would be equal. You'd keep being there and giving her support and she wouldn't reciprocate. So I'd evaluate if that's something that you want or if you'd prefer to just take some distance.

 

[tomato_paste]

Thank you for being kind.

Am sat here crying. I made a post on a so-called Facebook support group and have been slammed for ‘’clinging to PTSD and hoarding’, ‘being silly and childish’ and ‘refusing to take responsibility for PTSD and hoarding’. Pages of it. The ones I put here are some of the nicer comments. I came here expecting much of the same (given the reputation tattle has) and instead you’ve all been kind.

I’m already barely holding on, group knows this as I stupidly said that, maybe that’s why. Anyway, thank you for being kind. When I clearly do not deserve it.
---


Am private. HA won’t help. Have been banned from any of their or emergency accommodation by social services because hoarding is simply seen as being filthy and lazy - their words not mine. It’s not seen as an illness here. Just laziness.

It’s been a problem for decades. It’s not as simple as someone staying locally for a short period.

Hoarding is a mental health issue, and a devastating one at that. I'm so sorry you're struggling and that people are being so awful about it.

Do you have a list of resources that are available to you? You said something about having some forms to access resources - can you request a copy?

A quick google brought me this list of phone numbers and emails:

Useful contacts - hoarding

If you need further support or information about hoarding, find contact details of Mind's services and other useful organisations here.

www.mind.org.uk

Maybe one of those could help you?

Do you have any idea what type of support would be what you need for now? Would cleaning up some of your items help? Would having a clean garden help you? Or maybe have someone go through a small part of your hoard and support you through sorting out items that are hazardous? Maybe that could be a start - think about what exactly you need for now so you can find some energy and request only that type of help and go from there.

 

[stardust1]

Get a big dog that likes to rip footballs apart, tell them you can’t do anything about him and they should take more care with their property coming into its garden.

Or, every time a ball comes in, throw it over your other neighbour’s fence, or boot it into oblivion (on to the roof?) then claim utter ignorance about where the ball could be. Do this continuously until their parents bankrupt themselves due to all funds going on replacement balls .

one of my old neighbours kids used to kick balls over multiple times a day and would constantly be asking for the ball back, one day I stopped answering and gave the balls to my toddler. His football collection grew and the balls stopped coming over

 

[CallMeHollywood]

Four years ago, I slept with one of my bosses after a drunken night out. He told me he was divorced and had full custody of his son, doesn’t have anything to do with his ex wife, and is single. He’d only been there a few weeks so didn’t really know much about him or spoke to him much.

The morning after, we slept together again and then I went for a shower. As I came out he was on the phone and said ‘gotta go, love ya’ - so I said ‘aw was that your boy?’ and he went ‘no my girlfrie… fuck.’

Turns out they’d been together for five years at that point, engaged for four, her and her three kids live there, and her grandkids call him granddad.


I had to keep talking to him for work purposes, but he got made redundant as the pandemic eased up. In the meantime I’d met my boyfriend. He sent me a dirty message so I told him to fuck off and if he ever contacted me again then I’d tell his partner, then blocked him.


For some reason she’s come up on my suggested friends on Facebook recently and I had a snoop. They’re planning their wedding and she’s posting about how he’s the best partner ever and how he’s so different from her cheating abusive ex husband.

I now feel like such a bitch for not telling her as soon as I found out. I was 19 and stupid, and couldn’t be bothered with the backlash. He was 51 and my dad also worked with us, so it would have caused an almighty rift between us all.
Now I’m sat here thinking is it too late to say something? Should I message her? Do I just ignore it and let them crack on? I feel so conflicted.

I’d leave it well alone. The potential time and energy involved is not worth it.

 

[Carapop]

Laundry question - I have a Habitat cotton throw and the label says ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DONT WASH ME’ but what is the worst that could happen? I am shit at laundry (and house plants) but I want this clean and fresh. Am I destined to ruin it completely if I give it a cold hand wash cycle in the machine?

View attachment 2232272

Ah here. It’s completely impractical and kind of icky of it to not allow some form of laundering. I don’t consider sponge cleaning to be cleaning. Worst thing that can happen? It disintegrates. Does the other side of the label indicate the material? Unless it’s held together by some kind of water soluble glue, I think you should still have something that resembles a throw after a cold wash. I will say that I am ruthless with laundry. I’ve thrown leather jackets into the machine’s cold wash.

 

[ShadesMint]

My dad has been with his partner four years. Since getting together I have had *zero* one-to-one time with him. I can't get him on his own. I really wanted to go for a meal with just him and my siblings for Fathers Day this week, but he invited her too. Same for everything. Even when just going for a walk, she's there. She's lovely and I do get on with her. But I should be allowed to have private time with my Dad too? Do I need a reason.
We had an awful time at Christmas, he couldn't be apart from her so he missed a lot of our family celebrations (long story, but it wasn't appropriate for her to be there.) He has sold his house and moved in with her. My grandad recently passed and they're in the process of selling that too.
I do worry he is being taken advantage of financially and otherwise, but I dare not mention anything, because I know he will repeat to her what I've said. And I can't physically be on my own with him anyway. Even on the phone, she's in the background listening in.
My siblings think she's controlling and they don't like her at all. Over Christmas, he said he'd rather stay with her 'because she doesn't want us to be apart'. But I don't know if she really said that, or if it's my dad.
Does anyone know how I can approach this difficult topic.

 

[Stressed]

Thank you for your replies. He has always been a tad socially awkward and I think islam gives him a sense of belonging and the basic values it teaches make him feel safe. Like many young people, he came across it on social media and started to look deeper into it. It is so important to him now, his days are centred around it. I think it me that's more worried about it as I see his friends dating, going out etc and him having less and less in common with them. Really appreciate the replies, just needed to hear other people's take on it.

Sorry I can't offer you any advice about this but I just wanted to say I'd be surprised if this hasn't raised red flags with school about the possibility of radicalisation especially after what you have put here.

 

[LaBlonde]

No, it IS you - oh my goodness you sent pictures to her family - its very much YOU.

i think you’re getting a little muddled here teddy: it’s blondeangel who is doing the stalking, not stardust!

 

[CoffeeMamma]

I have a question about birthday presents and relatives… when do I stop being expected to buy birthday presents for nieces and nephews? My niece is 20 coming up and we don’t see her, we’re not close. Am thinking token present this year and next yr for her 21st then cards from then on?

I think if you’re not close, 21 is more than acceptable. My aunts and uncles who I don’t see, couldn’t even tell you my birthday so I think you’ve been very kind. Amazon vouchers never come in wrong

 

[Snippysnips]

I don’t know what to do — we very recently rescued a dog who had been living alone, crated a lot, but was very much loved by his parent. We have a dog a year older than him, and the rescue was besotted but didn’t listen to any of our older dogs corrections he is just 100% all the time like a puppy.

He started to settle a little and he walks well, eats well, is generally pretty good. He loves people, he’s confident, and I want to love him.

Except, he’s bitten hard twice, and just now he went crazy out of nowhere, growling lunging snapping. Luckily we’ve got him on a leash in the house so I didn’t get bit again. I’ve managed to pop him in a crate leash still on and he’s crying, and then growling if I approach to take it off.

I know sudden aggression can mean pain but he was absolutely fine literally seconds earlier, and nothing triggered it. I don’t think we’re the home for him and, I don’t think he’s fit for living with another dog.

I don’t care about getting money back from the adoption I’m happy to support them, but I’m sat here crying because I just want to give him back. I’m never going to feel safe around him, I’ve always been with dogs, and my boys six and though grumpy he’d never bite.

Do I get in touch with the rescue and tell her to look for a better home for him? It’s embarassing, my family and colleagues have heard all about him. But I want him to be happy, I don’t want to be stuck with a dog that could have had a better life elsewhere. And I know getting a trainer in is an option, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust him.

i just need to get this out somewhere, and perhaps I’m being a bit dramatic about it. But we’ve wanted to rescue for years and it’s just a nightmare.

Unfortunately it's best he goes back, we got a rescue years ago that turned out like this, we let the shelter know an they made sure she went to a home with someone who was experienced in what to do, she never bit but we would have to put her on a leash when someone come over because she would go mental, she would only let one of us feed her, another to walk her, another to play with her etc an she also had outbursts like that, one moment she was fine the next going crazy barking an growling

As hard as it was, we released she just wasn't right for us (me an my bro were kids at the time an my mum freaked she may bite) we weren't trained to deal with her or had the experience to know what to do, she in the end went to a dog handler

It's heartbreaking when need to go back, but sometimes it just isn't meant to be, it's isn't fair to you or the dog if you now can't trust him as he will pick up on that, it might put people off visiting as well if they feel they can't trust the dog especially if they want to come round with kids, I'd say to the rescue place an they will be able to re-home him but at least they now know what he's like an can re-home accordingly

 

[HoGi]

We’ve changed the bedding together today which is unusual as we normally do it solo whilst the other fights for their life with the toddler. It’s caused a bit of a tiff, so I’m putting it to the internet to decide who is right:

On your duvet there are usually seams running across the length to break it into quarters; should they be horizontal or vertical on the bed?

I just look for the label and put it at the feet. Hasnt failed me yet.

 

[Okgolightly]

Fantastic film if you can sit through 3 hours. Needed the toilet twice!
There were two sex scenes and I don’t even feel like they were two minutes long. Florence did show her breasts several times and I feel like it weren’t needed. She most probably wanted them on screen as I noticed she is a bit attention seeking

In a film directed by one of the greatest directors ever you think Florence Pugh had enough sway and influence to demand she gets her breasts out? Holy misogyny…

 

[Rxt156]

Only need a bath in my house coz of my son. Otherwise I’d never use the bath again! I think most people use a shower coz who’s got time for a bath every day seriously

Anything worse than staring at my own naked wet body whilst the water slowly gets colder no thank you

 

[didisaythatoutloudoops]

Not really a problem but after some advice if anybody is a coffee aficionado. Btw don't judge! I've realised I spend around £700 a year!! on takeaway coffee. So am looking to buy barista style coffee machine.
Does anybody know of a shop that sells and demonstrates these machines? I'm willing to travel as I realise in the end I'll be quids in
Also is there a coffee specialist, again actual shop, where they can help you find the coffee you like.

I think it really depends on the kind of coffees you drink and how much you like to 'customise' your drink. I can't stand any kind of pod machines (Nespresso, Tassimo etc) - I just find you don't have much control over them and they never taste like a barista coffee for me.

Delonghi are a fantastic brand as they offer a fantastic warranty and repair service where they pick up your machine. They're also very reliable.

If you are an espresso or black coffee drinker, you cannot go wrong with the Delonghi Magnifica S. You pour the beans in the back and there's little maintenance aside from filling up water/emptying grounds. You can customise your strength, size, etc, and it tastes fantastic. It has a milk frother and even a little one-cup decaf bit, for if you have an occasional decaf coffee.

If you like lattes and other milky coffees, get a bean-to-cup machine with an automatic milk tank. I would recommend the Magnifica Evo or the Eletta Explore.

It's an investment, but I've had three cups a day from my £400 Delonghi machine for seven years without issues. Presuming I paid £4 a cup for that coffee otherwise, I'd have spent £10,220 over the same period on takeaway coffees.