The advice thread for random problems #3

[tomato_paste]

Today at work a woman (same level of seniority) of me sent a teams message meant for someone on her team, to a group wide teams chat I’m in, making derogatory comments about me. I’ve not worked with her for over 9 months and they were irrelevant to what I was doing at the time.

I have to keep working with her, any suggestions how I move forward?

I'd take it to your manager in an email with a screenshot and ask them to be a mediator and to arrange a meeting between you two. Then I'd state clearly that you a) expect an apology, and b) would like to know where this animosity is coming from as to clear whatever issue is between you two.

I would not make a "big deal" out of it (even if it is) in the sense of taking it to HR or taking it further than an email to management as not to seem like the one causing drama. But you can be calm and professional about it, accept any apology (even if fake from her) with grace and then pretend like the whole thing didn't happen.

Have you screenshotted the messages?

 

[Piff paff puff]

Came to this thread few weeks ago about my electric supply tripping intermittently for the last 3/4 years. Other day it completely cut out and another house further along.
Electric company came out straight away after a brief phone call (no waiting).
There was a few of them working on it, digger there also. Transpired it was a pipe/cable just outside my garden a few feet below ground that was at fault.
They fixed it in a day and it's been fine so far
I should have called them years ago as I could no longer use my lights as they flickered so badly and contributed to the supply tripping and they said flickering lights would be a priority.
Oh well, I suppose the electrician who checked my home a few months back was right when he said nothing was faulty indoors.
Such a bloody relief after all this time to have a normal electric supply!

 

[saltandvinegarcrisps]

I’ve forgot about the situation but the way the police woman reacted to it, the way she said stuff lives went free in my head “he said you sent the family sexual messages” “yes they were the screenshots of stuff he sent me” “and you send them to the family, to make the girlfriend aware” honestly it was like a lightbulb moment suddenly clicked with her

 

[stardust1]

Did the stalker return?

 

[JoeBloggs]

Well that’s your opinion. I didn’t know what else to do, she needed to be aware I’ve made her aware and the police was satisfied with my reasoning they weren’t bothered that much took them a week to even do the complaint

Nothing, you didn’t need to do anything! She doesn’t need to be made aware. She’s blocked you and you’ve gone out of your way to harass her. If you continue you will be the one in hot water not him.

There is no point you posting, the advice you’re getting isn’t getting through to you. We’ve got the update, now take everyone’s advice and move on before this gets even more out of hand.

 

[WeHadFunRight]

How do you be a good friend to someone who is going through a breakup with a married man? (For context in the story she didn’t mention he was married until he dumped her). Anyway I knew my friend had been seeing someone for about 6-9 months, she met him through a sport she’s involved with that I’m not, so although I thought it was weird she never introduced us during that time I passed it off as us not moving in the same crowd. She was quite secretive about the whole thing but seemed happy so I was happy for her. Fast forward to now and he’s dumped her, saying he’s going to stay with his wife and kids (it turns out the 6-9 months coincided with his wife being pregnant and the breakup coincided with the birth of that child). My friend is inconsolable, thought he was the one etc. etc. and I’m trying to be supportive to her through the breakup but it’s really difficult. She has put this guy on a pedestal and is convinced he is the perfect man for her, speaks unkindly about his wife, and although I don’t bash him when we chat (that takes some restraint) if I even suggest that he’s made his choice and she needs to learn to love with it even though it hurts she starts lashing out at me. It’s tiring.

I understand she is heartbroken and believes everything this guy told her but it is so hard to listen to. I don’t want to abandon her in the middle of this but honestly it’s tough to support her. Not because he’s a married guy but because she is so in denial about the realities of their relationship and says horrible things about his wife….and then lashes out at me about how I don’t understand their connection and a love like theirs. She’s right, I don’t understand being the side piece while some fella’s wife is pregnant, and having him decide he’s not feeling us anymore when his wife has the baby. Any advice on what to do?

Oooooh good god what a guy!

I think honestly I would maybe just agree with her that you’ll never understand and say you are not the right person for her to go over details of the relationship with, but you can help take her mind off it by doing fun things together instead. It’s not right she’s lashing out at you, you should point that out to her.,

 

[greenvelvet]

Kind of reassurance rather than advice
I was invited to a job interview next week and I can’t do the date they’re giving and I didn’t list that date on the section “please state any dates you can’t do” because at the time of applying (I didn’t know I wouldn’t be free.
Anyways, I emailed back asking if they had any flexibility on the date as the day before would be better. I haven’t had a response and honestly I’m over thinking it and worrying they’ll think I’m being difficult

Agree with Carapop! They’ll expect things like this to happen. If they don’t get back to you by mid afternoon tomorrow, I’d give them a ring if they’ve given a number but you’re defo not being demanding. If anything it shows you’re keen and deal w unforeseen circumstances well

—

I got the job! thanks for the reassurance all

 

[JoeBloggs]

Not really because they wasted police time

Oh come on, grow up! You’re looking more like a psycho ex. You can reiterate he messaged you as many times as you like but it’s making you look worse. It’s a harsh truth but move on.

 

[littlepup]

Not really because they wasted police time

This has been part of your life 5 years +, maybe 2 years since you told her. Just leave it now. It is harassment, you’ve managed to get out of it, but it is. They don’t want to know, you’ve searched them up to find them and send them this information.
I was a bit astounded upthread where someone basically gave you advice how to turn it on to him and just took your word for it, perhaps though because I remembered the posts from before. If this was a bloke against a woman I feel like it’d be clear cut obsession.
A reminder of your previous posts.
If this is real, you need to get some help for your inability to let it go.

 

[Lalla]

I think this is one of those unsolveable problems (other than moving house!) but I just want to vent.

My neighbours are awful (they're born again Christian be kind types) and their kids (aged about 9 to 14) re the most entitled little shits I've ever come across.

We have had issues for years with them kicking balls into my garden. They let themselves into my garden to get the balls back either by climbing the fence (which I've had to replace once) or lifting the panel or climbing my gate. They also relentlessly kick the ball against my fence which is falling apart. If I'm in the garden they shout for the ball back (no please or thank you). We had about 20 of my sons friends over for BBQ a couple of months ago and at 10pm when we were in the garden the kids were shouting 'shut up'

Today in the space of under 10 mins they kicked 2 balls over, climbed over, kicked over 2 more, climbed over. on the 3rd time I caught them and told them to get off my fence. They then spent the next 20 mins peering over like fucking Chads.

The parents are idiots so there is no point talking to them but I'm just sick of feeling I can't ever go out in my garden, or that I have no privacy.

I've got some plastic spike things I can put on the fence but I expect they'll just do something else if I stop that (I changed the gate and the panels are now screwed in so cant be lifted from their side, hence them now climbing the fence)

Without going all Mumsnet I think a lot of it is rooted in jealousy as my house and garden are twice the size of theirs but that doesn't make it easier to deal with! My plan for years has been to move to another (nicer and cheaper) part of the country to live with my partner but we split up last year so that put an end to that.

 

[Meg78]

Today at work a woman (same level of seniority) of me sent a teams message meant for someone on her team, to a group wide teams chat I’m in, making derogatory comments about me. I’ve not worked with her for over 9 months and they were irrelevant to what I was doing at the time.

I have to keep working with her, any suggestions how I move forward?

Step 1: screenshot and save
Step 2: go to HR

 

[Phil Anne Throw Pee]

Four years ago, I slept with one of my bosses after a drunken night out. He told me he was divorced and had full custody of his son, doesn’t have anything to do with his ex wife, and is single. He’d only been there a few weeks so didn’t really know much about him or spoke to him much.

The morning after, we slept together again and then I went for a shower. As I came out he was on the phone and said ‘gotta go, love ya’ - so I said ‘aw was that your boy?’ and he went ‘no my girlfrie… fuck.’

Turns out they’d been together for five years at that point, engaged for four, her and her three kids live there, and her grandkids call him granddad.


I had to keep talking to him for work purposes, but he got made redundant as the pandemic eased up. In the meantime I’d met my boyfriend. He sent me a dirty message so I told him to fuck off and if he ever contacted me again then I’d tell his partner, then blocked him.


For some reason she’s come up on my suggested friends on Facebook recently and I had a snoop. They’re planning their wedding and she’s posting about how he’s the best partner ever and how he’s so different from her cheating abusive ex husband.

I now feel like such a bitch for not telling her as soon as I found out. I was 19 and stupid, and couldn’t be bothered with the backlash. He was 51 and my dad also worked with us, so it would have caused an almighty rift between us all.
Now I’m sat here thinking is it too late to say something? Should I message her? Do I just ignore it and let them crack on? I feel so conflicted.

You were 19 and he was 51? Jesus, too many red flags to mention in this one.

 

[Carapop]

God help me I thought you were both talking about the vibrator called a “magic wand”

 

[WeHadFunRight]

I think this is one of those unsolveable problems (other than moving house!) but I just want to vent.

My neighbours are awful (they're born again Christian be kind types) and their kids (aged about 9 to 14) re the most entitled little shits I've ever come across.

We have had issues for years with them kicking balls into my garden. They let themselves into my garden to get the balls back either by climbing the fence (which I've had to replace once) or lifting the panel or climbing my gate. They also relentlessly kick the ball against my fence which is falling apart. If I'm in the garden they shout for the ball back (no please or thank you). We had about 20 of my sons friends over for BBQ a couple of months ago and at 10pm when we were in the garden the kids were shouting 'shut up'

Today in the space of under 10 mins they kicked 2 balls over, climbed over, kicked over 2 more, climbed over. on the 3rd time I caught them and told them to get off my fence. They then spent the next 20 mins peering over like fucking Chads.

The parents are idiots so there is no point talking to them but I'm just sick of feeling I can't ever go out in my garden, or that I have no privacy.

I've got some plastic spike things I can put on the fence but I expect they'll just do something else if I stop that (I changed the gate and the panels are now screwed in so cant be lifted from their side, hence them now climbing the fence)

Without going all Mumsnet I think a lot of it is rooted in jealousy as my house and garden are twice the size of theirs but that doesn't make it easier to deal with! My plan for years has been to move to another (nicer and cheaper) part of the country to live with my partner but we split up last year so that put an end to that.

Get a big dog that likes to rip footballs apart, tell them you can’t do anything about him and they should take more care with their property coming into its garden.

Or, every time a ball comes in, throw it over your other neighbour’s fence, or boot it into oblivion (on to the roof?) then claim utter ignorance about where the ball could be. Do this continuously until their parents bankrupt themselves due to all funds going on replacement balls .

 

[Snippysnips]

Not to brag but just saying the way the police woman spoke on that call the reaction to it all lives rent free in my head

but to be fair I thought it was a bit unprofessional with her saying I’ve got a lucky escape I didn’t think they were allowed to say things like on like give an opinion on stuff

Am just going to say, but you are actually sounding more an more deranged with this, honestly I think the best thing you could do is get some sort of therapy because this is clearly all you can think off, you aren't being the "hero" you think you are with contacting the girls family, she knew he cheated an she stayed with him so that's her choice if hes out there doing it again, but under no circumstances does that give you the right to send anything to her family, it is not surprising they tried to get harassment orders on you because personally I'd be doing the same if one of my brothers EX'S was sending me stuff, they are all adults an what they do is nothing to do with you, you've been told before to block an forget him so do so an forget about whatever they are getting up too

@Snippysnips I’d put a message on Tripadvisor if you’re a member, to find a good place to stop off. It’s good for stuff like that.

Thanks I never thought of trying there

 

[littlepup]

Thanks I'll try an see if the council will take any involvement with it an if not try ofstead



We don't know if they are putting her down or she's going down herself, she's only two an all we get is "I had a long sleep" an they tell us the times she slept but we have told them to just wake her before 3 or distract her so she doesn't sleep, this is what we do, we can't have her sleeping past 3 because she's not going to bed till almost 10 at night sometimes an then she's still getting up at 6 an ends up being totally exhausted an it's just a day of meltdowns, the heath visitor also suggested she stop sleeping past 3 for this reason as well, my brother's had a few meetings with them about this an the health visitor also had a meeting about this, but we just found out when my niece mentioned she got a dummy yesterday that they have been giving her one

I also don't like the fact they are sitting her on a chair an telling her to "calm down" if she's upset, this isn't what we do, we talk to her an get her to tell us why she's upset so we can fix it

I know it’s easier said than done, but I’d change the nursery. They don’t align with your techniques. We changed nurseries and it’s night and day the difference in the commitment and attitude of the staff.

 

[JoeBloggs]

But I won’t be messaging again because he won’t be messaging me again I don’t need validation from anyone because I know I did the right thing and anyone in the situation would want to know their boyfriend is messaging someone about babies etc. you may see it as stepping out of line, I didn’t hunt them down, they were on her profile public so I messaged. you can call me all this and that that’s your opinion but I’m not asking for validation if you can read then you would of seen all I’ve said is it’s hilarious what they said when it’s only half the truth and clearly it’s fine what I done because the police woman thought it was fine behaviour and closed the case and told him not to message me again if that’s me needing validation then you clearly need to look it up because I’m not asking for that I’m just venting how stupid it is when I have prove they know I have

You are in an advice thread, you clearly want people to tell you did the right think and how wonderful you are. Instead everyone has seen how unhinged you are. Just stop. You can say the police woman understood all you like, it’s likely she just humoured you.

 

[CallMeHollywood]

But I don’t need to take anyone’s advice I’ve deleted his number he’s blocked on everything he can’t message me so I won’t be making her aware of his fuck boy behaviour again doesn’t seem to be getting through to you

So you’re here to brag. Nice.

 

[stardust1]

But I won’t be messaging again because he won’t be messaging me again I don’t need validation from anyone because I know I did the right thing and anyone in the situation would want to know their boyfriend is messaging someone about babies etc. you may see it as stepping out of line, I didn’t hunt them down, they were on her profile public so I messaged. you can call me all this and that that’s your opinion but I’m not asking for validation if you can read then you would of seen all I’ve said is it’s hilarious what they said when it’s only half the truth and clearly it’s fine what I done because the police woman thought it was fine behaviour and closed the case and told him not to message me again if that’s me needing validation then you clearly need to look it up because I’m not asking for that I’m just venting how stupid it is when I have prove they know I have

She told you you had a lucky escape?.. What’s with the obsession over multiple threads if it’s not for validation. So many people told you to forget about but you seem to struggle with that.

 

[square_spoon]

Yeah I very much regret that one. I was 19 and going through my hoe phase after a nasty breakup. He didn’t look 51 mind
Definitely looking back I see a lot of red flags about the situation that I didn’t at the time. I suppose you live and you learn
---

I wouldn’t say I’d be doing it to cause hurt, it’s just from the perspective of ‘if it was me, I’d want to know’ if that makes sense? I just feel awful knowing she’s going to marry him not knowing what he’s done behind her back.
I do feel very conflicted though, because at same time I think ‘well I did nothing wrong so why am I feeling guilty?’

I think I will stick to my original stance of if he messages, then I’ll tell her x

I think we all *think* we would want to know if the tables were turned but the reality is a lot of women don’t. He’ll tell her it was all you making the moves and he was drunk etc, and she’ll let him have a pass on it. I was in a similar situation (though it was an ex trying to get back with me while engaged to someone else he has since married) and it briefly crossed my mind to tell her but really there’s no point. Be glad he’s not your problem.