Look after yourself or you'll be no good at your job. They'll survived xx
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Today we'll yesterday but I'm still awake.
My husband has decided he wants to separate. He's met someone else they've been casually talking for a while apparently but "nothing has happened" classic tit Im sure it's not true. Totally broken. Things weren't great between us lately especially the last few months. 4 kids and years of working on our relationship (my side) all for what.
I'm sorry I don't have any real life friends I can burden at this point.
He reckons we can stay friends but does that ever work in theory?
Kids are my #1 always were always will be so I've said once they come first always I'm not going to argue with him
My husband has decided he wants to separate. He's met someone else they've been casually talking for a while apparently but "nothing has happened" classic tit Im sure it's not true. Totally broken. Things weren't great between us lately especially the last few months. 4 kids and years of working on our relationship (my side) all for what.
I'm sorry I don't have any real life friends I can burden at this point.
He reckons we can stay friends but does that ever work in theory?
Kids are my #1 always were always will be so I've said once they come first always I'm not going to argue with him
I'm so sorry this is happening. First things first and that is you are not a burden to anyone. I don't know what will happen, whether you can stay friends etc, but remember to look after yourself too. You haven't failed. This is going to be a see what happens thing, but if/when conversations turn to anything financial, get appropriate advice. People on here will have suggestions.
But for now, just be kind to yourself. This is a terrible shock, especially as he has met someone else. That's knock you off your feet stuff and very cruel. I don't know how low you are feeling, please do say if you are struggling with your mental health with this. But it sounds as though you're currently in shock and disbelief, as I would be.
I'm so sorry I don't know what else to say. It's a question of seeing what happens next, but remember, you have an opinion and rights too. It may seem as though he has all the power, but he doesn't. I wish I could give you a hug. It's hard being awake and feeling so alone when it seems everyone else is asleep. Can you get cosy and see if you manage to get some sleep? x
Thank you yes I am in shock. It's one thing to say you want to have a break/break up but to say you've met someone else is just the kicker. I keep everything to myself so I guess my mental health is not good but I'd need someone to tell me that in person for me to believe it if that even makes sense. Part of me thinks I'll wake up tomorrow and it will all be a bad dream but I know it's not.
I would appreciate the hug right now I definitely could do with one. Thank you
I know you posted a couple of months ago so not too sure if you resolved the issue, if it is dealing with vulnerable people, you should have some safeguarding policy in place which tells you how to whistleblow if you have a problem with a senior member of staff. If you're not too sure of this you can contact your local authority and ask about whistleblowing procedures within the vulnerable cohort you work with.
Hi Cherry, hopefully your baby is in a sleep routine and you are feeling better? When my son was 2 we never had any type of routine, so when I found I was pregnant with my 2nd I knew we had to start so we did the controlled crying method, I'm not sure if it's popular anymore but I can say for definite it does work. You put your child to bed after normal bedtime routine and leave bedroom. If child crys, you let for 25 minutes before checking on them, you don't talk, just put back in dummy, arrange sheets if necessary and leave. Child will cry, 25 mins later rinse and repeat. Now, when I did this with my first son it absolutely broke my heart listening to him crying, the first night went on for about 2 hours before he fell asleep, the 2nd night was a repeat of the first but not as long, by the fourth night he was sleeping through. When my second son was born I started as soon as the nightime feeds were over, I think it took the same amount of time before he slept through and I was less traumatised as I knew it worked
With my third son, I was like Meh, took 3 or 4 days again and I have had 3 children that have never had a problem sleeping. I know controlled crying can be divisive but they are 18, 16 and 14 and has never harmed them
the only thing is you have to stick with it no matter how much it hurts to hear them cry. The Other option is a white noise app specifically for babies to play on a tablet. I work in a nursery and some children (usually with no siblings) find it hard to fall asleep in a noisy environment and these seem to work well. I hope you have found yourself on some sort of routine and getting some sleep for yourself.
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I know that horrible hollow feeling and the real fear that comes with this. The person you'd normally talk to about hard and painful things is the person who's just kicked you in the gut. It's so hard when it feels like someone you trust is purposely hurting you. There's confusion, pain, sadness and anger and so many questions. Mostly though you want to know why he is doing this.
We don't know if this separation is permanent or how real the relationship, if there is one, with this other person. We do know that he's behaving very badly and cowardly. In a way he's sort of hiding behind this other person, if that makes sense? He's not taking 100% responsibility for this. He's sharing the blame with this other person.
I'm going to have to head to bed now and I hope you can try too. The radio can help make you feel less alone (though I'd avoid music stations as certainly for me, certain songs at the wrong time are very painful), or even leave the tv on low. Leaving a lamp on can help you feel less vulnerable too.
I will be back in the morning and I'll come back here and find you to see how you are. We can talk about how you are feeling mental health wise. If you're getting panic attacks or feeling really scared, a chat with your GP could help. But we'll talk about this in the morning, if you want to of course. Hang on in there. You're not alone. I'll be thinking of you in the night and when I wake up. Big hugs. xox
Thank you so much I managed to sleep til now so least that was something x
Might've posted something similar here before, but it's always nice to vent and chat to people outside my friend group about stuff!!
I'm looking forward to seeing my friends again after so long, which is happening soon as I'm finally heading back to my uni city to see them and to start (some) in-person classes again!! I've felt so much FOMO over the last few days as they've all been hanging out together, and I'm desperate to see them - especially as I spent my pre-COVID year largely isolated anyway, due to social anxiety and other dumb personal stuff that prevented me from going out much.
Unfortunately, my ex is a large figure in every friend group bar one, and is at every event. I no longer have sexual or romantic feelings for him (debatable whether I had them to begin with, hello discovering my sexuality!!) but I cannot stand to be around him. I don't know what it is specifically, but he genuinely makes me feel uneasy and uncomfortable.
He wasn't abusive, but he was emotionally unavailable and I the opposite, which resulted in a lot of messiness and bad feelings on either side. He revealed to me that he used people and only cared about himself, and even though he might've been exaggerating it's stuck with me even now. I was quite young (18, he 22) when we got together, and very naive, so I clung to him even though he was at best ambivalent to my personality, body and general presence in his life. He's changed his entire look multiple times since then, and has even started doing things (drinking, doing drugs) that he was previously vocally against - to the extent of accusing me of having drinking problems because I passed out once at a party (for context, I drank about once a month at most back then, and not at all now). It seems so fake to me, especially as he's started dressing and acting exactly like my best friend.
I guess I just connect him to all of the bad thoughts and feelings I had around that time, as well as to a side of me I'm really embarrassed about (I did a lot of stupid things and was an absolute mess at the end of it all - I know that's relatively normal for first relationships but I'm very sensitive to cringe-worthy behaviour...). I'm probably projecting a lot and should learn to get used to his presence because it's likely it'll never go away, but I feel as if he's malicious for some reason. He was always one of those people who take their energy from others - not in an extrovert sense, but in the sense that he physically needs to be the centre of attention in a group, and often forces himself to completely blend in (ie becoming goth in a 'goth' group even though he hated that type of fashion before) so they'll accept him. He doesn't seem to realise that it's personality, and not looks, that get you important personal connections. Admittedly I have a strong fear of abandonment after a lot of my friend groups and family members drifted away in childhood/adolescence, so I'm always worried that they'll go off with him instead and that he'll treat them badly as he did to me.
Anyway, sorry for the long post - it's probably quite difficult to read... but I guess I feel as if my ex is still the same old guy he used to be, and that so many people like him now that he'll never change. It's like he's getting a neverending source of external validation, and I feel nervous about what's going to happen to my friends if that ever stops coming. I can't go in there and break up friendships just because a guy insulted me a few years ago, nor can I even tell those friends about my history and reveal his track record with women (it's kinda dodgy) - he might actually have changed, and I'd seem like a clingy, possessive, bitter woman who's letting her own problems interfere with other peoples' happiness. If anyone has any advice, I'd love to hear it!! <3
I'm looking forward to seeing my friends again after so long, which is happening soon as I'm finally heading back to my uni city to see them and to start (some) in-person classes again!! I've felt so much FOMO over the last few days as they've all been hanging out together, and I'm desperate to see them - especially as I spent my pre-COVID year largely isolated anyway, due to social anxiety and other dumb personal stuff that prevented me from going out much.
Unfortunately, my ex is a large figure in every friend group bar one, and is at every event. I no longer have sexual or romantic feelings for him (debatable whether I had them to begin with, hello discovering my sexuality!!) but I cannot stand to be around him. I don't know what it is specifically, but he genuinely makes me feel uneasy and uncomfortable.
He wasn't abusive, but he was emotionally unavailable and I the opposite, which resulted in a lot of messiness and bad feelings on either side. He revealed to me that he used people and only cared about himself, and even though he might've been exaggerating it's stuck with me even now. I was quite young (18, he 22) when we got together, and very naive, so I clung to him even though he was at best ambivalent to my personality, body and general presence in his life. He's changed his entire look multiple times since then, and has even started doing things (drinking, doing drugs) that he was previously vocally against - to the extent of accusing me of having drinking problems because I passed out once at a party (for context, I drank about once a month at most back then, and not at all now). It seems so fake to me, especially as he's started dressing and acting exactly like my best friend.
I guess I just connect him to all of the bad thoughts and feelings I had around that time, as well as to a side of me I'm really embarrassed about (I did a lot of stupid things and was an absolute mess at the end of it all - I know that's relatively normal for first relationships but I'm very sensitive to cringe-worthy behaviour...). I'm probably projecting a lot and should learn to get used to his presence because it's likely it'll never go away, but I feel as if he's malicious for some reason. He was always one of those people who take their energy from others - not in an extrovert sense, but in the sense that he physically needs to be the centre of attention in a group, and often forces himself to completely blend in (ie becoming goth in a 'goth' group even though he hated that type of fashion before) so they'll accept him. He doesn't seem to realise that it's personality, and not looks, that get you important personal connections. Admittedly I have a strong fear of abandonment after a lot of my friend groups and family members drifted away in childhood/adolescence, so I'm always worried that they'll go off with him instead and that he'll treat them badly as he did to me.
Anyway, sorry for the long post - it's probably quite difficult to read... but I guess I feel as if my ex is still the same old guy he used to be, and that so many people like him now that he'll never change. It's like he's getting a neverending source of external validation, and I feel nervous about what's going to happen to my friends if that ever stops coming. I can't go in there and break up friendships just because a guy insulted me a few years ago, nor can I even tell those friends about my history and reveal his track record with women (it's kinda dodgy) - he might actually have changed, and I'd seem like a clingy, possessive, bitter woman who's letting her own problems interfere with other peoples' happiness. If anyone has any advice, I'd love to hear it!! <3
Sorry to be so late to get back to you. How are you doing this morning? I'm glad you managed to sleep a bit. x
Not really much of a vent but more of a looking for advice post as friends are telling me opposite things. Has anyone ever confronted the other woman?
I’m currently pregnant but split up with the baby’s dad about a month ago. We had been trying to sort things out, still speaking, sleeping together etc but he has now moved in with another woman but wants to continue sleeping with me as if I am the other woman and not the opposite way around! I won’t be taking him up on that offer but feel that his new girlfriend deserves to know what she is getting herself into. Am I wrong for wanting to message her to let her know that he is willing to cheat on her so soon into the relationship? I assume they were seeing each other whilst I was still together with my ex, so he actually cheated on me with her. Would I be playing with fire if I made her aware?
I’m currently pregnant but split up with the baby’s dad about a month ago. We had been trying to sort things out, still speaking, sleeping together etc but he has now moved in with another woman but wants to continue sleeping with me as if I am the other woman and not the opposite way around! I won’t be taking him up on that offer but feel that his new girlfriend deserves to know what she is getting herself into. Am I wrong for wanting to message her to let her know that he is willing to cheat on her so soon into the relationship? I assume they were seeing each other whilst I was still together with my ex, so he actually cheated on me with her. Would I be playing with fire if I made her aware?
I think the question you need to ask yourself is what do you gain from telling her? Is it going to make you feel better? If you're doing it for a reaction from him or her then I wouldn't do it and just move on and focus on you and your baby
I'm sure she doesn't know the full story and he is expecting our baby to be around her once they are born which I am not comfortable with when it's clearly not serious if he is willing to cheat on her and has done already. And also the fact he wanted to get back with me and move back in a month ago and wants another baby with me and to continue sleeping with me whilst still with her. A big part of me wants to tell her because he has told me not to and he is always trying to control every situation. I feel that by me telling her, I am taking that control back from him and showing that he can't control me any more. Equally I want her to be aware that he isn't this amazing guy that I'm sure he is portraying himself to be, if she really doesn't know about me then I think she deserves better and should know before she gets too involved. I tried to move on and we didn't speak for a couple of weeks and then he cropped back up got involved, saying how amazing I am and then dropped the bomshell he was moving in with another woman. Most of my friends are telling me to message her and let her know, only a couple think I shouldn't which is now making me uncertain.
We talked again.he definitely doesn't want to work on us so it's done. But kids come first he's even agreed to put it in writing so if it goes bad (hopefully not) that we have everything needed in writing to make legal bits easier. For now will just try work on myself I've no confidence left in myself hate how I look etc so I'm going to get busy.
Have taken back to bed (hate doing this esp on a weekend when kids could do something) but it's been a very quiet day today I'm exhausted. Mentally, emotionally and physically
Okay it’s good to get stuff in writing, did he say for certain there’s no chance of working things out?
I know it’s a knock to your confidence but remind yourself, this decision from him has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with the kind of person he is.
And you deserve better than that. You deserve someone to be faithful to you. I wish I could give you a big hug
Yes he has. It's not been an easy few years and he wanted to break up before but we tried to work through. Having kids isn't fun a lot of the time and just stuck in ruts. He says he can be a better person when we are apart so will see. I will be getting everything in writing and if we can get to the youngests 18th without killing each other and raising them well I'll consider it a job well done, by both of us. That's all I want now. I wish I could get that hug. I don't have anyone to call atm. My family live in Ireland we are in the UK so makes it harder. I don't want to burden them yet with it. My mum would only want to be going on the next plane over and with current times it's not right.Okay it’s good to get stuff in writing, did he say for certain there’s no chance of working things out?
I know it’s a knock to your confidence but remind yourself, this decision from him has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with the kind of person he is.
And you deserve better than that. You deserve someone to be faithful to you. I wish I could give you a big hug
I understand but it seems quite abrupt, especially telling you it’s because he’s met someone else, it’s like rubbing salt in the wound, which seems quite unfair. Do your kids know what’s going on or are they not aware right now?
I agree. That was the kick in the face. I'll admit it hasn't been smooth for a while but I also didn't expect him to say he wanted to be with someone else. He apparently knows her from his teenage years.I understand but it seems quite abrupt, especially telling you it’s because he’s met someone else, it’s like rubbing salt in the wound, which seems quite unfair. Do your kids know what’s going on or are they not aware right now?
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I'm tired fighting for something that's not going to be. I think it was just me that put the effort in.
No haven't told the kids. Not yet anyway. Will do obviously but just not yet. I'm not able for the questions
If you need someone to talk to and can’t find anyone in real like, maybe consider counselling? It can be really helpful to just let it all out I hope you feel better sooni agree I think it’s best to not tell the kids yet. Have you considered going to stay with your parents for a bit to get some space?
They live in Ireland were in the UK so unfortunately not easy to pack up and go. My parents separated and it was messy a lot messier than what I'm going through right now and I haven't been close to them since even though I was an adult when they did. I was used as the go between as they didn't talk and still don't. That's not what I want here however much I am hurting
i agree I think it’s best to not tell the kids yet. Have you considered going to stay with your parents for a bit to get some space?
Even facetiming them or calling them may help, as they have been through separation and could offer some advice? Sorry you’re going through this, I wish I could offer more help
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