Support for anyone that needs to vent

[tayswift]

Struggling a bit right now, feeling very lonely and I know that my behaviour is making that worse, but I feel like I just can't reach out to anyone as it's been too long. I don't really have any close friends and although I still live with my parents they aren't very supportive mentally, they think that because I'm not unwell and don't have money worries that I can't have problems.

I've found lockdown hard as I'm not really someone who does a lot of texting or online communication, I've always been someone who only really talks to my friends to arrange meeting up in person. Obviously that hasn't been possible, and even when we were allowed to go for walks and things I was wary of being in contact with anyone who got covid, as then I would have to miss university. I'm a healthcare student so we need to be on placement, and we cannot really miss more than a week, so missing two self isolating would mean that I could potentially fail and have to resit so I have been so careful. Placement has been hard as well, as although almost everyone has been lovely, I only spend a short time in each place, hardly getting to know anyone, and the university is trying to separate students so that we don't spread covid amongst ourselves. So although I'm lucky in the fact I get some social interaction every day it's almost never with friends, so I feel very lonely.

Some of my friends have messaged, but it has been when I am busy, so I forget to reply there and then. Then a day or so later I feel guilty that I haven't replied, but I don't want to annoy them by replying late, and then I leave it and leave it until weeks have gone by and I feel terrible. I hate myself for being like this, I am a horrible friend and a horrible person. I've not really had a close friend for a long time, I did have a few close friends as a teenager, but in my late teens my closest friend just decided she did not like me anymore, she said horrible things to me when nobody else was around and stopped inviting me to anything. She made me feel like I had done something terrible, but when I tried to make amends and find out why she felt this way to see if we could get past it, she could not tell me what I had actually done to upset her, and I could not think of anything which I had done. I became really depressed, suicidal and withdrew from my other friends. I still feel terrified of being close to anyone, because I don't think I could deal with someone dropping me like she did. We had been friends for almost our whole lives and I still to this day do not know why she decided that she hated me. Before that I always had lots of friends, but since then I have really struggled, and I have many acquaintances, but very few friends and nobody who I could feel totally honest with. I never had any support back then, my parents tried but they didn't know how to help me, and when I spoke to my teachers about it they just told me I needed to focus on my schoolwork. Nobody really listened to me or how I felt.

Now I don't feel quite so bad as I did back as a teenager and I made a new set of friends, but I feel like with the third lockdown my mental health is suffering again and I have become quite withdrawn from them. I haven't messaged my friends back for a while now, as I just can't bring myself to, and the longer I leave it the more I hate myself for it. What makes it worse is that one of my friends parents died a few months ago, I tried to be supportive for them then, we aren't the closest in our friendship group, but I sent messages and we all sent flowers at the time and I think they are doing ok, but I feel like if they are doing ok, then what right do I have to be struggling. My friends have done nothing wrong and I still really like them, but I'm sure they must think that I don't like them. Now that lockdown is lifting, I have seen a few of my friends meeting up on social media and nobody has asked me if want to come along. I know that it is my fault, and no wonder they haven't asked me as I have not been good friend, and I hate how I behave. I have been a horrible person, and I don't even know how to get out of it. I don't know what to do, I feel like I have nobody and I don't know who to turn to. I can't tell my parents, as they will just tell me that I have been a terrible friend, which I know is true, but I just want someone to listen to me and not be judgemental. I just hate myself.

 

[TikToc]

Struggling a bit right now, feeling very lonely and I know that my behaviour is making that worse, but I feel like I just can't reach out to anyone as it's been too long. I don't really have any close friends and although I still live with my parents they aren't very supportive mentally, they think that because I'm not unwell and don't have money worries that I can't have problems.

I've found lockdown hard as I'm not really someone who does a lot of texting or online communication, I've always been someone who only really talks to my friends to arrange meeting up in person. Obviously that hasn't been possible, and even when we were allowed to go for walks and things I was wary of being in contact with anyone who got covid, as then I would have to miss university. I'm a healthcare student so we need to be on placement, and we cannot really miss more than a week, so missing two self isolating would mean that I could potentially fail and have to resit so I have been so careful. Placement has been hard as well, as although almost everyone has been lovely, I only spend a short time in each place, hardly getting to know anyone, and the university is trying to separate students so that we don't spread covid amongst ourselves. So although I'm lucky in the fact I get some social interaction every day it's almost never with friends, so I feel very lonely.

Some of my friends have messaged, but it has been when I am busy, so I forget to reply there and then. Then a day or so later I feel guilty that I haven't replied, but I don't want to annoy them by replying late, and then I leave it and leave it until weeks have gone by and I feel terrible. I hate myself for being like this, I am a horrible friend and a horrible person. I've not really had a close friend for a long time, I did have a few close friends as a teenager, but in my late teens my closest friend just decided she did not like me anymore, she said horrible things to me when nobody else was around and stopped inviting me to anything. She made me feel like I had done something terrible, but when I tried to make amends and find out why she felt this way to see if we could get past it, she could not tell me what I had actually done to upset her, and I could not think of anything which I had done. I became really depressed, suicidal and withdrew from my other friends. I still feel terrified of being close to anyone, because I don't think I could deal with someone dropping me like she did. We had been friends for almost our whole lives and I still to this day do not know why she decided that she hated me. Before that I always had lots of friends, but since then I have really struggled, and I have many acquaintances, but very few friends and nobody who I could feel totally honest with. I never had any support back then, my parents tried but they didn't know how to help me, and when I spoke to my teachers about it they just told me I needed to focus on my schoolwork. Nobody really listened to me or how I felt.

Now I don't feel quite so bad as I did back as a teenager and I made a new set of friends, but I feel like with the third lockdown my mental health is suffering again and I have become quite withdrawn from them. I haven't messaged my friends back for a while now, as I just can't bring myself to, and the longer I leave it the more I hate myself for it. What makes it worse is that one of my friends parents died a few months ago, I tried to be supportive for them then, we aren't the closest in our friendship group, but I sent messages and we all sent flowers at the time and I think they are doing ok, but I feel like if they are doing ok, then what right do I have to be struggling. My friends have done nothing wrong and I still really like them, but I'm sure they must think that I don't like them. Now that lockdown is lifting, I have seen a few of my friends meeting up on social media and nobody has asked me if want to come along. I know that it is my fault, and no wonder they haven't asked me as I have not been good friend, and I hate how I behave. I have been a horrible person, and I don't even know how to get out of it. I don't know what to do, I feel like I have nobody and I don't know who to turn to. I can't tell my parents, as they will just tell me that I have been a terrible friend, which I know is true, but I just want someone to listen to me and not be judgmental. I just hate myself.

Ah pet, I just want to give you a hug. You're being very hard on yourself. This year has been tit and lots of people seem to have lost their social skills. I've been working from home since March 2020 and really missed the company at the start but now filled with dread at the thought of going back to normal, whatever that is. People will understand, just tell them you're having a hard time and you're struggling, you don't have to go into detail. Do you have a counselor at college you could talk to or a mentor as part of your course? If you do please reach out to them.

You are not a horrible person I am sure. Big Hugs

 

[Bitofthebubbly]

I feel like a really tit parent right now. Earlier another parent messaged me to say my child had said something unkind to theirs on Roblox. It wasn’t anything really bad, but it upset another child and that’s not ok. My kids are with their grand parents tonight so I immediately called them up to chat to daughter about it, who denied it. But I still gave her a talk about not saying mean things to people online even if you’re frustrated at the game or what ever, it’s not ok. Just say nothing if you have nothing nice to say etc. I also said that if she did say those things then she is to apologise to said child at school on Monday. I have looked at her roblox account, and cannot find any nasty messages, apparently the incident happened during a game. My daughter doesn’t have in game chat enabled so I’m even more confused now about how this happened. Of course if it happened via message daughter could have deleted the message.

I’m really conscious about becoming ‘that parent’ who always thinks their kid wouldn’t do such a thing but at the same time don’t want to swing completely the other way so my daughter gets blamed for something someone else did. There was an incident at school where my kid hit another a few weeks ago, so I’m really concerned about my daughters behaviour towards others (even though the hitting incident wasn’t black and white and daughter was reacting in self defence I still don’t condone it). I really feel like I’m going wrong somewhere as a mum and as a sad as it sounds I’m worried the other parents will start thinking I’m crap too and won’t want to talk to me.

It’s really set my anxiety off to the point where I’ve had to come to bed to lie down and I keep crying, can’t think properly etc. I feel like I can’t even handle small disputes between my kids and their friends what hope do I have really??? Maybe I am crap or maybe my anxiety is making me look far too much into this

Soooo dunno if anyone cares but it turns out my daughter was telling the truth and wasn’t her being unkind to her friend on Roblox. There was a mix up with usernames, bless them at that age, but omg I was dreading the school run tomorrow and now I feel so relieved. My heart honestly hasn’t stopped racing since yesterday and my hands have been so clammy. I knew something wasn’t adding up, I am so glad I decided to message the other mum today to figure it out and make sure wires weren’t crossed. Other mum must be horrified but I don’t hold it against her, this is exactly why communication is important. No parent would want their child getting the blame for something they didn’t do. Going to apologise to my daughter tomorrow morning for doubting her. Massive parent guilt right now, but I have a lot of that anyway.

 

[Artsypants]

Ok. I need help. Some advice. I wrecked things. Very badly. My mother pasted away suddenly in February with covid. She contracted it in the hospital the day before being released to come home to us. I went in there and was with her on my own for what I now know were going to be her last days, it is indescribable how horrible it was to watch her die while she fought so hard not to. It was devastating. One night before she passed I was sitting at her beside reading her texts to her when I noticed my ex and herself had been exchanging Christmas and New Years greetings. It got me into my head, as my ex and myself broke up years ago, we remained close friends then for a year before dropping contact completely. To be completely truthful, I was hurt by her in the past, we both had our moments where we wouldn't be very fair to each other but we had made great friends and she was always great at getting me through difficult situations or times in my life as she knew how to be funny or distract me. She was a FRIEND in my eyes, she used to be my best friend for a year even after we broke up. My mother also had told me to be the bigger person and extend an olive branch a few weeks earlier as she was a firm believer in getting on with everyone, so I reached out to let her know mom was gravely ill, and she was there for me. I drew from her support, I needed all the help I could get from anyone around me that cared to pull me through this. Anyone that knew mom at all and had memories of her, they were invaluable to me. It's so hard to explain how grief just takes over and my mind was literally all over the place.
I currently had my own girlfriend who was amazing to me and who I actually loved dearly, but she was also very close at this time to my mom and she was my family. So for instance ringing her with updates on moms condition before she passed were very hard as I would feel an overwhelming sense of guilt when she was in bits crying. If she didn't know me she wouldn't have this suffering. It was horrible. I already had massive guilt for sending my mother in there to that place to catch this, I should have done something more while mom was at home before it got too bad where she needed hospital. When I'd ring my girlfriend I would try to console her, even though I was standing there with my world falling down around me, I'd do my best, i remember feeling like now I was even more of a duck up to her, I'd feel bad cos if it wasn't for me she wouldn't be suffering this heartbreaking time. I told her about the ex (she knew of her already, never could see what I liked in her) and I explained myself, that I wanted her to know as mom was part of her life for long time too, mum liked her and it was just friendship. I needed all support I could get as I'm not the most mentally strong individual at this time anyhow. I actually thought she understood.
Following moms passing I had to self isolate immediately so I didn't get to be with my family or anyone. I didn't get to be a part of the funeral either, missing out on a chance to say mums eulogy and also to grieve with my poor dad, my girlfriend and the rest of my loved ones.
I found myself chatting to my ex to distract me. She would usually put me laughing with some silly memory of my mum that I had totally forgot. We chatted about a loss she had while we weren't talking, at great length and things like that. The distraction of normal conversation was nice. Advice on dealing with loss, she had alot in recent years. She asked about my relationship. I played it down as I felt that kinda convo was off limits with her, it made me uncomfortable if completely honest. I would hate if things were reversed and she was rubbing things in my face and I hadn't met anyone amazing. On other occasions she joked about taking her off my hands, which I didn't like, as she hadn't met anyone in over 2 years since we'd been finished. I told her she could try but myself and my gf were solid. We loved each other.
That to her must have set a challenge. At my mother's burial I introduced them. I explained beforehand that it was a platonic friendship and that I'd like it if she could just even be friendly just for me for that one day. It was a matter of minutes, I introduced them near the graveside and exchanged chit chat, mainly memories and funny stories. Shortly after the months mind myself and my gf broke up. She hated that I chatted to my ex for them two weeks, and like a fool I actually texted her a draft of the obituary and asked for input as she had recently written one, which I panicked about and denied cos I knew my gf wouldn't be happy that I maintained any level of contact after saying I wouldn't.
I felt so lost. No matter how many times I explained it was her friendship I missed my gf didn't trust it. She has been hurt by cheaters in the past so that's obviously understandable but I truly wasn't doing or saying anything remotely shady.
My girlfriend broke up with me the week after months mind on the pretence of not being over her ex when she met me, and needing time alone. I for sure wasn't ready for a relationship when I met her either as I had underlying issues I needed to address and alot of stress and pressure piled on me. I tried to always be open and honest about that. I tried to keep things casual. I did however fall for this girl and I didn't know how to handle it as I knew myself I needed to sort myself out, I was sure I would mess it up. I set about getting the help I needed the very next day. Doctors, counselling, CBT, everything I could possibly do. I was giving it my all once and for all, addressing my issues while trying to deal with the whole fallout of losing my mum.
However... Her next phonecall to me changed all that. It was weeks since we broke up to work on being better alone as she wasn't ready to be with anyone, and icwas just a headcase with grief (when I say headcase I mean all over the place mentally) but she rang to tell me she had met someone, and who it was was going to hurt me. After Simon Cowelling it for a minute or two smilingly saying she didn't want to hurt me, she finally told me she is with my ex and they both just really liked her at the grave when I introduced them. She said she was smitten with her, I was right to think so highly of my ex and she could see what I could see how the pair of them are so happy and having class time together. She was ringing me telling me this out of "respect". She rang me from her apartment. They were together for the phonecall even.
It's too much. I was barely coping as it was without this bombshell. The original ex then messaged to tell me she hated me for years now, she only came to moms funeral for mom and couldn't stand me, and if I looked after my gf she wouldn't be hers now. She also threatened to use any info I ever gave her while we were together against me if I told anyone else how they got together, that it's nothing to do with me and if she hears I said one more word she will destroy me. She also attached screenshot of my private messages on my Instagram where I reached out to my friend in oz who lost her mother last year as we were chatting about this.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Soooo dunno if anyone cares but it turns out my daughter was telling the truth and wasn’t her being unkind to her friend on Roblox. There was a mix up with usernames, bless them at that age, but omg I was dreading the school run tomorrow and now I feel so relieved. My heart honestly hasn’t stopped racing since yesterday and my hands have been so clammy. I knew something wasn’t adding up, I am so glad I decided to message the other mum today to figure it out and make sure wires weren’t crossed. Other mum must be horrified but I don’t hold it against her, this is exactly why communication is important. No parent would want their child getting the blame for something they didn’t do. Going to apologise to my daughter tomorrow morning for doubting her. Massive parent guilt right now, but I have a lot of that anyway.

You're a better person than me, I'd be annoyed at the other parent for putting you through that when they should have been 100% sure that it was your daughter.

 

[Bitofthebubbly]

You're a better person than me, I'd be annoyed at the other parent for putting you through that when they should have been 100% sure that it was your daughter.

100% agree, I was annoyed. I wish the mum had been clear from the start and the whole situation could have been avoided, but I felt so tired from all the worry I was just relieved in the end. I could have flipped, but I figured other mum is probably highly embarrassed as it is, I know I would be! She wasn’t to know I would essentially have a 24hour anxiety attack because of it. So what would be the point in having a go apart from to cause drama! I also like to kill people with kindness, I feel that makes them feel even more guilty

 

[MyLittlePony25]

My friend ended her life tonight.
I feel sick.
I can’t sleep.
I don’t know what to do with myself.

there is so much more to this that I can’t say right now. There are so many emotions and it has bought back the pain I felt when my Grandad did the same back in 2009.

 

[Scorpihoe]

My friend ended her life tonight.
I feel sick.
I can’t sleep.
I don’t know what to do with myself.

there is so much more to this that I can’t say right now. There are so many emotions and it has bought back the pain I felt when my Grandad did the same back in 2009.

im so sorry for what you’re going through right now, I just wanted to say we are all here for you, if you need to talk I can’t imagine what you’re feeling

Samaritans are amazing for listening to you if you want someone to talk to to right now, their number is: 116 123

it is free and won’t show on your phone bill xx

 

[TikToc]

My friend ended her life tonight.
I feel sick.
I can’t sleep.
I don’t know what to do with myself.

there is so much more to this that I can’t say right now. There are so many emotions and it has bought back the pain I felt when my Grandad did the same back in 2009.

Oh Hunny my heart goes out to you, my sis in law did this last October. I spoke to her Saturday and Sunday and she was dead Tuesday. It is horrific to try and deal with. Hope you have someone to talk to ?

 

[MyLittlePony25]

im so sorry for what you’re going through right now, I just wanted to say we are all here for you, if you need to talk I can’t imagine what you’re feeling

Samaritans are amazing for listening to you if you want someone to talk to to right now, their number is: 116 123

it is free and won’t show on your phone bill xx

thank you.
i can’t get my head around it.

it’s weird, another friend of muneis doing a sky dive tomorrow for the Samaritans.

I wish I could say more about the situation because it raises so many questions but I can’t.

she should still be here, she should have been safe there is something that could have been done this time.

but it is too late and she is gone.

Oh Hunny my heart goes out to you, my sis in law did this last October. I spoke to her Saturday and Sunday and she was dead Tuesday. It is horrific to try and deal with. Hope you have someone to talk to ?

I live alone but I’m talking to our mutual friends via text. I’m sorry you have had to go through this too, it’s so awful.

 

[Scorpihoe]

thank you.
i can’t get my head around it.

it’s weird, another friend of muneis doing a sky dive tomorrow for the Samaritans.

I wish I could say more about the situation because it raises so many questions but I can’t.

she should still be here, she should have been safe there is something that could have been done this time.

but it is too late and she is gone.



I live alone but I’m talking to our mutual friends via text. I’m sorry you have had to go through this too, it’s so awful.

I understand it’s all so fresh and hard to talk about especially when you don’t have all the answers. But you’re strong, and I believe in you

Grief is a process and talking about it is the first step, so even typing your message and talking to friends is a good sign

remember you are not alone, you have people around you, to support you and listen to you and you have all of us too

 

[cali2florida]

Good on ya @TikToc Well I’ll start by saying - hi, I’m @Gina32 and to everyone who knows me in real life I have my tit together and I’m happy as could be but the reason I’m awake at 2.21am is because I’m crippled with anxiety. I don’t know why I can’t show this side of me to anyone but I’ve been hospitalised twice with severe panic attacks and have pretended to family and friends that it was to do with stomach pain. Nobody might even read this thread or respond, and that’s fine too, but even typing this out feels therapeutic.

You aren’t alone! I wake up every single morning my skin feels like it’s on fire I’m shaking and I’m afraid to be alone I was in the hospital back in February with a panic attack and now I’m scared to be alone and I have nobody be with me I’m alone every day

 

[MyLittlePony25]

I managed to sleep for a couple of hours but I have been crying on and off all morning. I’m going to see my care coordinator in a hour and I emailed her in the early hours telling her what has happened.

I’m still in shock and this is so raw.
I hoped I would wake up and it would be a nightmare but it turns out it’s a living nightmare.

 

[Scorpihoe]

I managed to sleep for a couple of hours but I have been crying on and off all morning. I’m going to see my care coordinator in a hour and I emailed her in the early hours telling her what has happened.

I’m still in shock and this is so raw.
I hoped I would wake up and it would be a nightmare but it turns out it’s a living nightmare.

hey, I’m glad you managed to get some sleep, it’s good you’re going to see someone to talk about what’s happened!

I can imagine it’s all so fresh and such a shock right now Thinking of you xx

 

[TikToc]

I managed to sleep for a couple of hours but I have been crying on and off all morning. I’m going to see my care coordinator in a hour and I emailed her in the early hours telling her what has happened.

I’m still in shock and this is so raw.
I hoped I would wake up and it would be a nightmare but it turns out it’s a living nightmare.

That's great that you're seeing someone. Keep us updated on how you're doing xx

 

[MyLittlePony25]

Thank you.
I talked.
I cried a lot.
I think I may be all out of tears for now, or I’m just too exhausted.
I’m laying on my bed and watching random YouTube videos whilst talking to my friends through messages. I’m meeting two of them on Saturday. My support worker is calling me in the morning. I’m hoping I can sleep tonight.

 

[TikToc]

Thank you.
I talked.
I cried a lot.
I think I may be all out of tears for now, or I’m just too exhausted.
I’m laying on my bed and watching random YouTube videos whilst talking to my friends through messages. I’m meeting two of them on Saturday. My support worker is calling me in the morning. I’m hoping I can sleep tonight.

Don't put any pressure on yourself, if you can't sleep watch random tit. Podcasts are good too if you're into them, they can be relaxing falling asleep xx

 

[TikToc]

@MyLittlePony25 how are you doing today?

 

[MyLittlePony25]

@MyLittlePony25 how are you doing today?

I must admit, I’ve been in bed all day. Yesterday I felt really heavy and today I am exhausted. I feel really depressed and tired and I’ve napped on and off all day. I wanted to get out of the house today but I have been so exhausted I just can’t.

thank you for asking, it’s so kind of you xx

 

[TikToc]

I must admit, I’ve been in bed all day. Yesterday I felt really heavy and today I am exhausted. I feel really depressed and tired and I’ve napped on and off all day. I wanted to get out of the house today but I have been so exhausted I just can’t.

thank you for asking, it’s so kind of you xx

Do what feels right for you and right now that's sleeping, that's okay xx