Support for anyone that needs to vent #3

[jojida]

Before anyone tells me this is my own silly fault, I'm already very aware but just can't mention this to anyone in my real life without being lectured.

I was looking at cars yesterday for fun (my current boyfriend came with me and we really loved a modestly priced small car). I nearly bought it, but decided to take the numbers away and crunch them etc before committing. This is when I realised the true extent of the debt I am in currently. At 25 years old, I am in nearly 10k worth of debt and half of it is due to poor money making decisions from when I was 18 and had a credit card, but the other half of it is from having to support my ex-boyfriend financially as well whilst I was on no more than £18k a year salary.

I know I wasn't obliged to support him financially but for three years he didn't have a job (he refused to get one as he wanted to be a videographer and thought part time jobs like working in a Tesco to have some income were 'beneath him) and I wasn't doing things like paying his bills or doing grocery shopping etc, but instead just wanting to do what normal couples do like go for meals out and to the cinema etc. I feel SO stupid having gotten myself into debt for such stupid things and for someone who I now have zero contact with. I'm not annoyed at anyone but myself.

On the plus side, I have now reworked my existing budgeting spreadsheet to hopefully have at least paid my credit cards off by the end of the financial year whilst still allowing myself a decent amount of 'play' money, and still saving for a house with my current partner.

 

[Pinhead Larry]

Before anyone tells me this is my own silly fault, I'm already very aware but just can't mention this to anyone in my real life without being lectured.

I was looking at cars yesterday for fun (my current boyfriend came with me and we really loved a modestly priced small car). I nearly bought it, but decided to take the numbers away and crunch them etc before committing. This is when I realised the true extent of the debt I am in currently. At 25 years old, I am in nearly 10k worth of debt and half of it is due to poor money making decisions from when I was 18 and had a credit card, but the other half of it is from having to support my ex-boyfriend financially as well whilst I was on no more than £18k a year salary.

I know I wasn't obliged to support him financially but for three years he didn't have a job (he refused to get one as he wanted to be a videographer and thought part time jobs like working in a Tesco to have some income were 'beneath him) and I wasn't doing things like paying his bills or doing grocery shopping etc, but instead just wanting to do what normal couples do like go for meals out and to the cinema etc. I feel SO stupid having gotten myself into debt for such stupid things and for someone who I now have zero contact with. I'm not annoyed at anyone but myself.

On the plus side, I have now reworked my existing budgeting spreadsheet to hopefully have at least paid my credit cards off by the end of the financial year whilst still allowing myself a decent amount of 'play' money, and still saving for a house with my current partner.

You’re doing really well!

 

[shadowcat5]

I'm sorry if this sounds all woe is me. I just need to get my feelings out

I recently moved away to start a job. I am really grateful and I do like the job. I thought I was settling in well but my family came up at the weekend and I didn't realise how lonely I was. My work colleagues are nice but I don't think they like me very much. They are very cliquey and they will disregard anything I say. I try to join in the conversation but they won't even acknowledge what I've said. I am autistic so I do sometimes get tired and won't speak a lot so maybe they think I'm rude. I feel like I am missing something or some kind of social cue. Something just feels really off but I could just be overthinking it. I didn't realise how much I miss having company and just someone to do something with on the weekend. I have only been here about 6 weeks so I know I need to give it time but I am just really sad today. I went on my break and cried my eyes out. This isn't really like me cause I normally enjoy my own company

 

[jojida]

I'm sorry if this sounds all woe is me. I just need to get my feelings out

I recently moved away to start a job. I am really grateful and I do like the job. I thought I was settling in well but my family came up at the weekend and I didn't realise how lonely I was. My work colleagues are nice but I don't think they like me very much. They are very cliquey and they will disregard anything I say. I try to join in the conversation but they won't even acknowledge what I've said. I am autistic so I do sometimes get tired and won't speak a lot so maybe they think I'm rude. I feel like I am missing something or some kind of social cue. Something just feels really off but I could just be overthinking it. I didn't realise how much I miss having company and just someone to do something with on the weekend. I have only been here about 6 weeks so I know I need to give it time but I am just really sad today. I went on my break and cried my eyes out. This isn't really like me cause I normally enjoy my own company

Oh lovely! I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It can be really frustrating when you feel like you're just 'not in on it'. I know it can be daunting with autism but is there anything out of work you can do to find people in your area? Things like meet ups, maybe for people who are also neurodivergent?

That way, even if work doesn't feel that rewarding socially, at least you'd have people outside of that?

 

[doodlebug]

I'm sorry if this sounds all woe is me. I just need to get my feelings out

I recently moved away to start a job. I am really grateful and I do like the job. I thought I was settling in well but my family came up at the weekend and I didn't realise how lonely I was. My work colleagues are nice but I don't think they like me very much. They are very cliquey and they will disregard anything I say. I try to join in the conversation but they won't even acknowledge what I've said. I am autistic so I do sometimes get tired and won't speak a lot so maybe they think I'm rude. I feel like I am missing something or some kind of social cue. Something just feels really off but I could just be overthinking it. I didn't realise how much I miss having company and just someone to do something with on the weekend. I have only been here about 6 weeks so I know I need to give it time but I am just really sad today. I went on my break and cried my eyes out. This isn't really like me cause I normally enjoy my own company

Aw sending love You’ve only been there 6 weeks which is hardly any time at all to settle in. Don’t be hard on yourself; I’m sure in time you’ll get more integrated into the group at work and find friends in your new area outside of work.

(I’m exactly the same - I’m a shy person when I first meet people and am more on the reserved side. It does often get construed as being bitchy when that couldn’t be farther from the truth! I just need time to warm up and I’m sure you’re the same).

If it helps, I started a new job a couple of years ago and got a really unwelcome reception and found it was cliquey like you’ve described. It took a good three months for me to feel like I’d made friends but people I met there turned out to be some of the best people I’ve ever met! Persevere, and I’m sure things will improve as they get to know you more and you get to know them more.

 

[If you say so...]

Just to say all your support on my scenario has really helped me so thank you guys!

I did feel really sad and have a cry when I was trying to sleep last night because the whole situation is linked to how my mum has treated me my whole life. When I try and point out the blatant favouritism in our family my mum gaslights me and says I have a chip on my shoulder. Yet she has already admitted in the past that she treats my older sister differently from the rest of us (but denies this and says I made it up).

I’m now 90% sure I don’t want to go anymore and would even just give the tickets to friends for free and go with them. I’ll just feel bad for my dad because he was looking forward to it. I know I could just take my dad but I know he won’t go if it’s just us two because he’ll view it as making a divide in the family and will just try and talk me round instead.

May I ask why you didn’t ask your sisters to contribute to the gift and arrange for the whole family to go together in the first place? The reason I ask is because I was in a very similar position to you with rivalry between siblings, mum playing off that and using it to her advantage. As soon as me and my sisters came together she was on the back foot. My relationship with my sisters has never been better since we came together and mum doesn’t play us off against each other anymore. Hopefully that’s a good tip!

 

[Little Fluffy Clouds]

Co parenting with a continuing violent ex, today he used his fist and pushed down on my jaw/cheek, I don’t know the whole side of my face hurts, he pushed down so hard that there was a weird sound in my ear. Don’t have parents, friends are probably sick of hearing about it, don’t have supportive siblings, all I have is this. It’s easy to say leave and call the police but he uses firstly so many threats against me about me losing our son that I’m tit scared and also I’ll have even less family and help. Life is so tit sometimes

I am also sorry to read of what you are going through.

Is there a women's centre in your area that you can reach out to ? I plucked up the courage last year to self refer to a woman's centre local to me for councilling and support. I am quite isolated due to my life experience.

You would hopefully feel the benefits of support, gain some confidence and get advice on how to deal with the abuse.

I also recommend googling "Assertive Bill of Rights". It applies to us all. I printed a copy and took a screenshot of a version of it.

Hope that you find some strength to cope with this. You do not deserve it.

Hugs x

 

[shadowcat5]

Thank you both for replying! I cried reading both your messages

Oh lovely! I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It can be really frustrating when you feel like you're just 'not in on it'. I know it can be daunting with autism but is there anything out of work you can do to find people in your area? Things like meet ups, maybe for people who are also neurodivergent?

That way, even if work doesn't feel that rewarding socially, at least you'd have people outside of that?

That is a really good idea! I never thought about neurodivergent groups! I did have an epiphany in the car this morning so I am going look into night classes. Nothing too crazy, just something I can go along to every week and gain a new skill.

Aw sending love You’ve only been there 6 weeks which is hardly any time at all to settle in. Don’t be hard on yourself; I’m sure in time you’ll get more integrated into the group at work and find friends in your new area outside of work.

(I’m exactly the same - I’m a shy person when I first meet people and am more on the reserved side. It does often get construed as being bitchy when that couldn’t be farther from the truth! I just need time to warm up and I’m sure you’re the same).

If it helps, I started a new job a couple of years ago and got a really unwelcome reception and found it was cliquey like you’ve described. It took a good three months for me to feel like I’d made friends but people I met there turned out to be some of the best people I’ve ever met! Persevere, and I’m sure things will improve as they get to know you more and you get to know them more.

I know I need to give it time and I do genuinely enjoy the other aspects of it (my house, my gym, my job). I think seeing my family this weekend made me realise how much I miss just having people around. I'm sorry you had a similar experience but I'm glad things changed for you. I hope eventually we can be a on a bit of a common ground but I find it unlikely. We were talking about a band that I liked too and I mentioned that I had been to see them before, a week later they came in talking to each other about how they'd booked tickets to go. 2 of them are also a huge fan of artist I like, we've had extensive conversations. They booked tickets to see them in front of all of us. I don't think they're leaving me out on purpose cause they don't seem nasty but it feels like a bit of a kick in the teeth when the concert is late next year and they know I like them and I'm alone up here. Maybe I'm expecting too much though.

 

[ejej123]

So it's my friend's hen do on the weekend (we were best friends through school, remained close friends for a few years but have only seen eachother 3-4 times over the past 18 months).
I am actually due to move house on Friday, which makes things difficult. I have given a bit of a pre-warning that I might not be able to attend if I do end up moving (our solicitors are a joke so not sure if I fully trust it happening!!). If it gets pushed to Monday then obviously I'll be able to attend.
BUT the whole thing is just really unaffordable for me. I'd have to get taxis both ways due to train strikes, which will cost £100 alone. There's a dress code so I'd have to go and buy an outfit (£50+). Then there's the meal and buying drinks in a city centre for 6+ hours (another £100+). I've had to unexpectedly pay out for something else, which is why I don't have the funds prepped!
What the hell do I do?! Is it unreasonable to not go to a Saturday hen do if I moved on Monday?! Feel like such a bad friend but with a young child to look after and moving house i'm having a mare

 

[shadowcat5]

So it's my friend's hen do on the weekend (we were best friends through school, remained close friends for a few years but have only seen eachother 3-4 times over the past 18 months).
I am actually due to move house on Friday, which makes things difficult. I have given a bit of a pre-warning that I might not be able to attend if I do end up moving (our solicitors are a joke so not sure if I fully trust it happening!!). If it gets pushed to Monday then obviously I'll be able to attend.
BUT the whole thing is just really unaffordable for me. I'd have to get taxis both ways due to train strikes, which will cost £100 alone. There's a dress code so I'd have to go and buy an outfit (£50+). Then there's the meal and buying drinks in a city centre for 6+ hours (another £100+). I've had to unexpectedly pay out for something else, which is why I don't have the funds prepped!
What the hell do I do?! Is it unreasonable to not go to a Saturday hen do if I moved on Monday?! Feel like such a bad friend but with a young child to look after and moving house i'm having a mare

Is being honest a possibility? Just say with the house move and unexpected purchase you just don't have the money - or could you lie and say something come up (illness, childcare issues etc.)

I don't think you're a bad friend. At the end of the day, life is expensive and it's not your hen. I get it's special for her and everything but just cause it's her day doesn't mean that everyone has to bankrupt themselves. I had a friend like this, she had 3 hen parties with all the same people. I went to one but I felt for the bridal party and her family who obviously felt like they had to fork out for all 3.

Editing: Spelling

 

[Pesky Tarian]

So it's my friend's hen do on the weekend (we were best friends through school, remained close friends for a few years but have only seen eachother 3-4 times over the past 18 months).
I am actually due to move house on Friday, which makes things difficult. I have given a bit of a pre-warning that I might not be able to attend if I do end up moving (our solicitors are a joke so not sure if I fully trust it happening!!). If it gets pushed to Monday then obviously I'll be able to attend.
BUT the whole thing is just really unaffordable for me. I'd have to get taxis both ways due to train strikes, which will cost £100 alone. There's a dress code so I'd have to go and buy an outfit (£50+). Then there's the meal and buying drinks in a city centre for 6+ hours (another £100+). I've had to unexpectedly pay out for something else, which is why I don't have the funds prepped!
What the hell do I do?! Is it unreasonable to not go to a Saturday hen do if I moved on Monday?! Feel like such a bad friend but with a young child to look after and moving house i'm having a mare

Could you drive? Not do the meal and have a few soft drinks? Not much fun for you admittedly but at least you've shown your face and will have a clear head for moving.

Poundland have a few cheesy hen gifts. Photo props, shot glasses etc.

New house so exciting! .

 

[ejej123]

Thank you both for your responses!
Driving is a potential option so is something I could consider.
Not going to lie, I'm kind of hoping the move is on Friday so that I don't have to make any excuses. I feel so guilty, but she has been a crap friend to me over the past couple of years really

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

Thank you both for your responses!
Driving is a potential option so is something I could consider.
Not going to lie, I'm kind of hoping the move is on Friday so that I don't have to make any excuses. I feel so guilty, but she has been a crap friend to me over the past couple of years really

I would just not go? If she has been a crap friend why would you want to go? You don’t owe anyone anything. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. You’re not obliged to do anything you don’t want to . If you don’t want to hurt her feelings just say that you’re moving house can’t justify travel costs and outfit and then drinks etc. or even just say you don’t have a baby sitter? how likely is it you’ll see her again after the wedding?! X

 

[saltandvinegarcrisps]

Thank you both for your responses!
Driving is a potential option so is something I could consider.
Not going to lie, I'm kind of hoping the move is on Friday so that I don't have to make any excuses. I feel so guilty, but she has been a crap friend to me over the past couple of years really

I wouldn't leave it so late to cancel. Cancel now and you can relax.. say you need money for new house and that's it. Leave any group whats app etc and be done with it. When is the wedding?

 

[doodlebug]

May I ask why you didn’t ask your sisters to contribute to the gift and arrange for the whole family to go together in the first place? The reason I ask is because I was in a very similar position to you with rivalry between siblings, mum playing off that and using it to her advantage. As soon as me and my sisters came together she was on the back foot. My relationship with my sisters has never been better since we came together and mum doesn’t play us off against each other anymore. Hopefully that’s a good tip!

Purely for financial reasons. They wouldn’t be able to spend on something that expensive which is fair enough.

But definitely something to consider! The trouble is no one seems to understand or acknowledge there is an unfair dynamic at play and whenever I bring it up everyone acts like I’m bitter and crazy.

 

[bongsandstuff]

Won’t bore you with all the details but I’m having serious problems and don’t know what to do or who to turn to

Started working for a friend (local lash artist who I was a regular customer for) around a month ago as a PA. No contract or anything just a low-key cash in hand job as she stated. I just went along with it as a side hustle. She highlighted my role as Instagram content creator. I had a shift and it was great, I picked it up quickly and created some beautiful work! She told me that perks of the job included free lunch on shift days and free eyelashes. It seemed too good to be true but I was chuffed with my new job!

However, red flags started to arise pretty quickly after the first shift when she started cancelling other shifts with silly excuses. I was doing content on and off from home whenever she needed it and she told me to do an hour an evening or so and she’d pay me for whatever I did. A week in she told me that she’s suddenly moving house and that she doesn’t need me for a few weeks. I was more than understanding but I started to feel extremely awkward when she was texting me saying she never should’ve hired me as the move complicates things. She was planning on moving far out and I don’t drive. I told her we’d work it out somehow.

One evening I was booking in a lash appointment or two and I noticed that one appointment required a hefty deposit. Based on the perks of the job as stated, I turned off deposits for my account. Looking back I should’ve asked first but I assumed it was all fine as per what we’d discussed. She went mad at me for it saying I shouldn’t touch the system. I was mortified and apologetic and wish I’d not done it. I told her it was a stupid error and I wouldn’t touch it again. It was an honest mistake that I took ownership for. She told me that she would no longer give me free eyelashes (I hadn’t had any at this point!). I never expected anything anyway (I’d been a paying customer for months) I just went along with whatever she highlighted as perks of the job.

This is when it become worse. She started treating me badly, being blunt with me and cancelling any remaining shifts. For some reason I didn’t see quite how bad it was. I did some work (3 posts) the night before (2-3 hours) and kept her up to date with it and she was happy with it. That week ended up being the week she moved and she told me she wouldn’t need me for a week. I left her to it.

It has been weeks now and since I hadn’t heard anything at all but she was posting constantly on social media, I messaged her and asked how the move was and if there was an update regarding work. She took a whole day to respond in which she was extremely blunt and told me she’s ‘put our agreement on hold due to financial issues and moving ’ and she hopes I understand. I felt fucked over to be honest after I’d been nothing but understanding and helpful. I didn’t respond to that message but did send one stating that there was 2-3 hours work that was unpaid and she could either pay and use them or if she didn’t need them I’d delete them. She never responded and it’s been two days. Instead, shortly after I sent the message she kicked me out of the content account so I can no longer access my work and/or delete the work I was unpaid for. She’s used me and stolen from me essentially.

I’ve been nothing but respectful and understanding and yes maybe I was blind-sighted but I was just doing the job to the best of my ability and being as professional as I could.

I don’t know what to do at this point. I’m owed money and she won’t pay. She’s taken and will most likely use my content. I have evidence from texts before that I did this work and the hours I did. Please be kind I cannot believe I’ve been put in this position. Any advice? Thanks in advance

 

[candyland_]

Won’t bore you with all the details but I’m having serious problems and don’t know what to do or who to turn to

Started working for a friend (local lash artist who I was a regular customer for) around a month ago as a PA. No contract or anything just a low-key cash in hand job as she stated. I just went along with it as a side hustle. She highlighted my role as Instagram content creator. I had a shift and it was great, I picked it up quickly and created some beautiful work! She told me that perks of the job included free lunch on shift days and free eyelashes. It seemed too good to be true but I was chuffed with my new job!

However, red flags started to arise pretty quickly after the first shift when she started cancelling other shifts with silly excuses. I was doing content on and off from home whenever she needed it and she told me to do an hour an evening or so and she’d pay me for whatever I did. A week in she told me that she’s suddenly moving house and that she doesn’t need me for a few weeks. I was more than understanding but I started to feel extremely awkward when she was texting me saying she never should’ve hired me as the move complicates things. She was planning on moving far out and I don’t drive. I told her we’d work it out somehow.

One evening I was booking in a lash appointment or two and I noticed that one appointment required a hefty deposit. Based on the perks of the job as stated, I turned off deposits for my account. Looking back I should’ve asked first but I assumed it was all fine as per what we’d discussed. She went mad at me for it saying I shouldn’t touch the system. I was mortified and apologetic and wish I’d not done it. I told her it was a stupid error and I wouldn’t touch it again. It was an honest mistake that I took ownership for. She told me that she would no longer give me free eyelashes (I hadn’t had any at this point!). I never expected anything anyway (I’d been a paying customer for months) I just went along with whatever she highlighted as perks of the job.

This is when it become worse. She started treating me badly, being blunt with me and cancelling any remaining shifts. For some reason I didn’t see quite how bad it was. I did some work (3 posts) the night before (2-3 hours) and kept her up to date with it and she was happy with it. That week ended up being the week she moved and she told me she wouldn’t need me for a week. I left her to it.

It has been weeks now and since I hadn’t heard anything at all but she was posting constantly on social media, I messaged her and asked how the move was and if there was an update regarding work. She took a whole day to respond in which she was extremely blunt and told me she’s ‘put our agreement on hold due to financial issues and moving ’ and she hopes I understand. I felt fucked over to be honest after I’d been nothing but understanding and helpful. I didn’t respond to that message but did send one stating that there was 2-3 hours work that was unpaid and she could either pay and use them or if she didn’t need them I’d delete them. She never responded and it’s been two days. Instead, shortly after I sent the message she kicked me out of the content account so I can no longer access my work and/or delete the work I was unpaid for. She’s used me and stolen from me essentially.

I’ve been nothing but respectful and understanding and yes maybe I was blind-sighted but I was just doing the job to the best of my ability and being as professional as I could.

I don’t know what to do at this point. I’m owed money and she won’t pay. She’s taken and will most likely use my content. I have evidence from texts before that I did this work and the hours I did. Please be kind I cannot believe I’ve been put in this position. Any advice? Thanks in advance

You’ve already posted about this? Is it still not resolved?

 

[JoeBloggs]

Won’t bore you with all the details but I’m having serious problems and don’t know what to do or who to turn to

Started working for a friend (local lash artist who I was a regular customer for) around a month ago as a PA. No contract or anything just a low-key cash in hand job as she stated. I just went along with it as a side hustle. She highlighted my role as Instagram content creator. I had a shift and it was great, I picked it up quickly and created some beautiful work! She told me that perks of the job included free lunch on shift days and free eyelashes. It seemed too good to be true but I was chuffed with my new job!

However, red flags started to arise pretty quickly after the first shift when she started cancelling other shifts with silly excuses. I was doing content on and off from home whenever she needed it and she told me to do an hour an evening or so and she’d pay me for whatever I did. A week in she told me that she’s suddenly moving house and that she doesn’t need me for a few weeks. I was more than understanding but I started to feel extremely awkward when she was texting me saying she never should’ve hired me as the move complicates things. She was planning on moving far out and I don’t drive. I told her we’d work it out somehow.

One evening I was booking in a lash appointment or two and I noticed that one appointment required a hefty deposit. Based on the perks of the job as stated, I turned off deposits for my account. Looking back I should’ve asked first but I assumed it was all fine as per what we’d discussed. She went mad at me for it saying I shouldn’t touch the system. I was mortified and apologetic and wish I’d not done it. I told her it was a stupid error and I wouldn’t touch it again. It was an honest mistake that I took ownership for. She told me that she would no longer give me free eyelashes (I hadn’t had any at this point!). I never expected anything anyway (I’d been a paying customer for months) I just went along with whatever she highlighted as perks of the job.

This is when it become worse. She started treating me badly, being blunt with me and cancelling any remaining shifts. For some reason I didn’t see quite how bad it was. I did some work (3 posts) the night before (2-3 hours) and kept her up to date with it and she was happy with it. That week ended up being the week she moved and she told me she wouldn’t need me for a week. I left her to it.

It has been weeks now and since I hadn’t heard anything at all but she was posting constantly on social media, I messaged her and asked how the move was and if there was an update regarding work. She took a whole day to respond in which she was extremely blunt and told me she’s ‘put our agreement on hold due to financial issues and moving ’ and she hopes I understand. I felt fucked over to be honest after I’d been nothing but understanding and helpful. I didn’t respond to that message but did send one stating that there was 2-3 hours work that was unpaid and she could either pay and use them or if she didn’t need them I’d delete them. She never responded and it’s been two days. Instead, shortly after I sent the message she kicked me out of the content account so I can no longer access my work and/or delete the work I was unpaid for. She’s used me and stolen from me essentially.

I’ve been nothing but respectful and understanding and yes maybe I was blind-sighted but I was just doing the job to the best of my ability and being as professional as I could.

I don’t know what to do at this point. I’m owed money and she won’t pay. She’s taken and will most likely use my content. I have evidence from texts before that I did this work and the hours I did. Please be kind I cannot believe I’ve been put in this position. Any advice? Thanks in advance

Get a solicitor to write to her with a deadline for payment, if not received you can take her to the small claims court for £100.

 

[bongsandstuff]

You’ve already posted about this? Is it still not resolved?

Not resolved - in fact it’s gotten worse! I’m just weighing up my options now to try and get the money I’m owed

 

[shadowcat5]

Not resolved - in fact it’s gotten worse! I’m just weighing up my options now to try and get the money I’m owed

Small claims court or could you tag her business and explain what she’s done with the texts and proof that you did the work and didn’t get paid? I’m not one to suggest airing dirty laundry or attacking a small business but might shift her into paying quickly on the agreement you take it down