Support for anyone that needs to vent #3

[TheGlossy]

I honestly absolutely hate my useless family. The amount of hatred I have for these people cannot even be verbalized.

I’ve already mentioned on numerous occasions how I was helping my family with the paperwork after my dad’s death in December despite having been estranged from them for 6 years prior to that. I helped with the legalities, hiring a notary and even financially. All this to support my abusive and narcissistic mother who cannot fend for herself despite having three adults above 18 living with her (my three siblings).

Fast forward, I flew in August to sort out a few things at the notary and specifically stated I wouldn’t have time to see her. I got a POA and told the notary she wouldn’t be able to come. Then she ambushes me right at the notary’s door after the appointment, doesn’t bother to ask me how my flight went or how I’m doing. She just said “what did the notary said about me getting my money”. I tried to explain, she started getting argumentative with me, I told her I had enough and walked away. Mind you, I had just written off a couple of hundredsin notary fees for her to her her money from the estate when I’m getting zero. My siblings were there watching the scene dileny

Fast forward, I leave, fly home and my sister sends me an email saying they’ll refund me. I don’t respond. Two weeks later, I get an email from my sister saying they paid the property tax (not my business, don’t care at all). I respond with a OK 10 days later.

A week later today, she sends me an email saying “Here is the paperwork we receive in the mail, it’s for mom, please fill them in”. The paperwork has zero to do with me!!! Not only did she not acknowledge the scene in front of the notary and has been ignoring the money she owes me, but she seriously thinks I’m going to keep bending over backwards helping with every letter they get in the post after what happened? She must be having a laugh. They really treat me like their secretary when they’re all grown adults and can fill in form themselves!!!

I’m not a violent person and I’m usually calm, but I got so mad after seeing this email that I slammed my laptop on the floor (it was already broken falling apart and ready to be ditched, no loss there).

Honestly. They have no self awareness at all. I’ve been dealing with all this paperwork for months and I have a life of my own. I very obviously put the silent treatment on and they don’t even realize. They just keep bombarding me with more things to do for them. I hate them so much.

 

[Little Fluffy Clouds]

I honestly absolutely hate my useless family. The amount of hatred I have for these people cannot even be verbalized.

I’ve already mentioned on numerous occasions how I was helping my family with the paperwork after my dad’s death in December despite having been estranged from them for 6 years prior to that. I helped with the legalities, hiring a notary and even financially. All this to support my abusive and narcissistic mother who cannot fend for herself despite having three adults above 18 living with her (my three siblings).

Fast forward, I flew in August to sort out a few things at the notary and specifically stated I wouldn’t have time to see her. I got a POA and told the notary she wouldn’t be able to come. Then she ambushes me right at the notary’s door after the appointment, doesn’t bother to ask me how my flight went or how I’m doing. She just said “what did the notary said about me getting my money”. I tried to explain, she started getting argumentative with me, I told her I had enough and walked away. Mind you, I had just written off a couple of hundredsin notary fees for her to her her money from the estate when I’m getting zero. My siblings were there watching the scene dileny

Fast forward, I leave, fly home and my sister sends me an email saying they’ll refund me. I don’t respond. Two weeks later, I get an email from my sister saying they paid the property tax (not my business, don’t care at all). I respond with a OK 10 days later.

A week later today, she sends me an email saying “Here is the paperwork we receive in the mail, it’s for mom, please fill them in”. The paperwork has zero to do with me!!! Not only did she not acknowledge the scene in front of the notary and has been ignoring the money she owes me, but she seriously thinks I’m going to keep bending over backwards helping with every letter they get in the post after what happened? She must be having a laugh. They really treat me like their secretary when they’re all grown adults and can fill in form themselves!!!

I’m not a violent person and I’m usually calm, but I got so mad after seeing this email that I slammed my laptop on the floor (it was already broken falling apart and ready to be ditched, no loss there).

Honestly. They have no self awareness at all. I’ve been dealing with all this paperwork for months and I have a life of my own. I very obviously put the silent treatment on and they don’t even realize. They just keep bombarding me with more things to do for them. I hate them so much.

Wow at them, Glossy.

Sounds too much. If you haven't, can you email back, say you have done enough are not prepared to do anymore as you have gone above and beyond with no thanks.

If your laptop is still working.

Thank goodness we can pick our friends.

Sounds like you need your refund back asap too.

Well done doing all that you have done and whilst suffering the loss of your father.

Huge hugs and hope you have some support around you.

I'm eldest sibling and treated way differently to my 2 siblings. Sounds like you have done more than enough for these ungrateful people. They won't change so hope you get peace of mind soon.

Try not to let the feckers grind you down. I know, easier to say. Be well x

 

[Tove_drew]

My housemate is an alcoholic and a few months ago celebrated 1 year sober. I was so happy for her, my mom struggled with drinking and took a long time to get it under control so for her to take this seriously while still young i think it’s impressive. Sadly my housemate has started drinking again recently. She recently started dating someone who drinks a lot and had a evening plan need to be cancelled because he was too drunk at the pub with friends to go. During that conversation she causally mentioned she’s started drinking again. She minimised it by claiming it’s only with dinner when she goes to restaurants but yesterday she chugged a beer on her way out of the flat when she was going to a party.
I don’t know what to do. Part of me was thrown when she mentioned drinking with meals that I just sort of instinctively supported her decision but now I wish I hadn’t. I’m not best friends with her but I do really care about her and don’t want to see her go down this path again. My partner who also lives with us thinks I should speak to her but I don’t know. I really dislike her boyfriend for a lot of reasons beyond the drinking (he cheated on his ex fiancée to be with my housemate). Part of me doesn’t know whether to ignore it all and just be there if it all crumbles or to talk to her about it and risk her thinking I’m judging or that she’ll isolate from me

 

[taleoftittletat]

Not sure if there is a better suited place for this but I can’t seem to find one so here I am.

I am so upset. For the past year, I have found maybe 6 or 7 empty bags with what I can see is cocaine residue in, in my OH pockets (washing). For a while now my brother in law has been going through a very bad break up and has been at mine and my OH house a lot. It’s known that his brother takes cocaine in times of crisis and my OH has come to me at times and said how he thinks he has a problem, is worried about him and speaks about it generally like his brother should be ashamed of that behaviour and general disgust.

In a nutshell he’s blamed these bags on his brother and over time I’ve called him out each time and said I’m not stupid. My suspicions have been that he is doing it too. The other week I saw his brothers ex and she told me his cocaine taking was involved in the demise of their relationship and she mentioned seeing them both do it together with her own eyes. I asked about this and he said she was lying. A few days later I went in the kitchen where they were sat at the table watching tv and he quickly slammed his hand on the table (covering something). I shook my head and tried to walk over to get him to lift his hand and he physically kept me at arms length with his other arm, we argued about it but after lots of manipulation and I felt lying, I knew I couldn’t prove it so was fighting a losing battle. I felt strongly I was being gaslit about the whole situation.

Today I walked into the kitchen and same scenario apart from he was actually mid sniff. I saw this with my own two eyes. I gave a sigh, almost a sense of relief that I wasn’t going mad, then I was upset/shaking but I just turned around and went upstairs, didn’t say a word. Packed a suitcase for me and our baby (another reason I’m so disgusted and hurt, the safety of our baby is in question here). I’ve left and got a hotel and I can only describe what has come next as a total bombardment of lies, manipulation. I didn’t see what I saw, he had a tissue rolled up his nose. He has literally sent me a barrage of messages, all about how disgusting I am?! That I’ve embarrassed him and so much other stuff I can’t even get into it.

I am so hurt, for me, our baby and for the fact that I work in a profession where I cannot stand for that, my career and authenticity would be on the line. He knows this as well. How do I deal with this? Other than this issue he’s a great dad, and day to day our life is lovely which is why it breaks me. The lying is insane and has made me feel totally crazy at times.

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

Not sure if there is a better suited place for this but I can’t seem to find one so here I am.

I am so upset. For the past year, I have found maybe 6 or 7 empty bags with what I can see is cocaine residue in, in my OH pockets (washing). For a while now my brother in law has been going through a very bad break up and has been at mine and my OH house a lot. It’s known that his brother takes cocaine in times of crisis and my OH has come to me at times and said how he thinks he has a problem, is worried about him and speaks about it generally like his brother should be ashamed of that behaviour and general disgust.

In a nutshell he’s blamed these bags on his brother and over time I’ve called him out each time and said I’m not stupid. My suspicions have been that he is doing it too. The other week I saw his brothers ex and she told me his cocaine taking was involved in the demise of their relationship and she mentioned seeing them both do it together with her own eyes. I asked about this and he said she was lying. A few days later I went in the kitchen where they were sat at the table watching tv and he quickly slammed his hand on the table (covering something). I shook my head and tried to walk over to get him to lift his hand and he physically kept me at arms length with his other arm, we argued about it but after lots of manipulation and I felt lying, I knew I couldn’t prove it so was fighting a losing battle. I felt strongly I was being gaslit about the whole situation.

Today I walked into the kitchen and same scenario apart from he was actually mid sniff. I saw this with my own two eyes. I gave a sigh, almost a sense of relief that I wasn’t going mad, then I was upset/shaking but I just turned around and went upstairs, didn’t say a word. Packed a suitcase for me and our baby (another reason I’m so disgusted and hurt, the safety of our baby is in question here). I’ve left and got a hotel and I can only describe what has come next as a total bombardment of lies, manipulation. I didn’t see what I saw, he had a tissue rolled up his nose. He has literally sent me a barrage of messages, all about how disgusting I am?! That I’ve embarrassed him and so much other stuff I can’t even get into it.

I am so hurt, for me, our baby and for the fact that I work in a profession where I cannot stand for that, my career and authenticity would be on the line. He knows this as well. How do I deal with this? Other than this issue he’s a great dad, and day to day our life is lovely which is why it breaks me. The lying is insane and has made me feel totally crazy at times.

You’ve Done the right thing especially with a baby! You don’t want that tit near a baby. do you have somewhere you can stay instead of a hotel? I’d sack him off if I’m honest
how dare he say that you are disgusting etc when he’s the one lying and doing things like that . Hope you’re ok x

 

[taleoftittletat]

You’ve Done the right thing especially with a baby! You don’t want that tit near a baby. do you have somewhere you can stay instead of a hotel? I’d sack him off if I’m honest
how dare he say that you are disgusting etc when he’s the one lying and doing things like that . Hope you’re ok x

I’m absolutely shocked in what’s followed, he is adamantly telling me I did not see it, but I did. He is going so far with it, saying do you swear on the baby you saw it and I’m saying of course I do, I know what I saw. Then I’ll get back, can’t believe you swore on the baby, if you wanted to leave me you could have just said you didn’t have to make something up.

The gaslighting and the manipulation is beyond anything I’ve ever dealt with in my life. I didn’t want to even tell my mum, hence why I’m at a hotel.

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

I’m absolutely shocked in what’s followed, he is adamantly telling me I did not see it, but I did. He is going so far with it, saying do you swear on the baby you saw it and I’m saying of course I do, I know what I saw. Then I’ll get back, can’t believe you swore on the baby, if you wanted to leave me you could have just said you didn’t have to make something up.

The gaslighting and the manipulation is beyond anything I’ve ever dealt with in my life. I didn’t want to even tell my mum, hence why I’m at a hotel.

I hope he is footing the bill. Do you have any friends to lean on
thats disgusting and youre Right manipulative . Least youve finally seen his true colours. I absolutely hate coke. The thought of sniffing something is Gross

 

[taleoftittletat]

I hope he is footing the bill. Do you have any friends to lean on
thats disgusting and youre Right manipulative . Least youve finally seen his true colours. I absolutely hate coke. The thought of sniffing something is Gross

I’m footing the bill but I’d rather that than stick around for more lies and manipulation. I’ve never dealt with anything like this and he’s not like this at all. I’ve never personally dealt with addiction in my family or immediate circle so I’m at a loss with whether he’s doing this because he’s an addict or just because he’s a lying, manipulator regardless.

 

[Ticketyboots]

My housemate is an alcoholic and a few months ago celebrated 1 year sober. I was so happy for her, my mom struggled with drinking and took a long time to get it under control so for her to take this seriously while still young i think it’s impressive. Sadly my housemate has started drinking again recently. She recently started dating someone who drinks a lot and had a evening plan need to be cancelled because he was too drunk at the pub with friends to go. During that conversation she causally mentioned she’s started drinking again. She minimised it by claiming it’s only with dinner when she goes to restaurants but yesterday she chugged a beer on her way out of the flat when she was going to a party.
I don’t know what to do. Part of me was thrown when she mentioned drinking with meals that I just sort of instinctively supported her decision but now I wish I hadn’t. I’m not best friends with her but I do really care about her and don’t want to see her go down this path again. My partner who also lives with us thinks I should speak to her but I don’t know. I really dislike her boyfriend for a lot of reasons beyond the drinking (he cheated on his ex fiancée to be with my housemate). Part of me doesn’t know whether to ignore it all and just be there if it all crumbles or to talk to her about it and risk her thinking I’m judging or that she’ll isolate from me

Sadly, if you speak to your housemate you will be the one to come out in the wrong. Either being accused of being judgemental or simply to keep your nose out of it.
This person cannot help themself until they are ready and no amount of 'berating' from you will help.
I know you mean this from a good place, but it really won't be healthy for you either. Step away from her life choices and enjoy your life with your partner.

 

[Tove_drew]

Sadly, if you speak to your housemate you will be the one to come out in the wrong. Either being accused of being judgemental or simply to keep your nose out of it.
This person cannot help themself until they are ready and no amount of 'berating' from you will help.
I know you mean this from a good place, but it really won't be healthy for you either. Step away from her life choices and enjoy your life with your partner.

Yeah I think that’s what I’m have to do. I can help her if she ends up needing it

 

[JoeBloggs]

I’m footing the bill but I’d rather that than stick around for more lies and manipulation. I’ve never dealt with anything like this and he’s not like this at all. I’ve never personally dealt with addiction in my family or immediate circle so I’m at a loss with whether he’s doing this because he’s an addict or just because he’s a lying, manipulator regardless.

Personally I would be telling him you will no longer communicate with him until he accepts what is going on. That you have been aware of it for X amount of time but this was the final proof you needed and that you can no longer be in the same home due to the safety of your child. You have done the right thing, but if you can I would speak to your mum, you need support right now.

 

[asitwas]

I am not sure if this is the right thread but I am not sure where to post this and I have no one to talk to so I need to vent.

I am quite a shy person and do need some time to integrate well with new people. After 3 years working at my office, I started getting close to one of our IT guys. We had a project to do together so work got us close, and when we first started talking he was in a long-term relationship (4 or 5 years). After around 2 months of talking and getting to know each other, he split from his girlfriend and at around the same time one colleague of ours resigned and moved to her home country.

We started getting flirty with each other and both the colleagues at his office and at my office started to notice how our relationship evolved. At the same time, our company offered us some training with another company, and we used to take the same class and sit next to each other for each lesson. We even helped each other out during one of our exams! He used to get me breakfasts and lunches most of the time (without even accepting any money for it) and always seemed to think about me for these little things. During the summer our first year, we got really close at the office, he used to keep starting at my lips when I speak all the time, moving closer to talk to me however nothing ever happened. Maybe because I never wanted to kiss him in the corridor where there are many doors that can open and catch us doing such things!

During these months, the colleague that moved to her home country started chatting with him and told him that her favourite band will be having a small concert in her city and invited him to go to this concert with her, as she knew that he liked this band. She told him that he can stay with her during his trip and as lonely as he was after the breakup, he went up for it. After this trip, we were the same as before, flirty and caring about each other etc. None of us had to balls to ask each other out so we basically kept the same relationship during office hours only. After two months of his trip, this ex-colleague decided to visit the country for a job interview and since he stayed at hers when he went to her home country, he invited her to stay at his. There was some festival happening at the time, and they went together. I believe that at this particular time they were fwb. She got the job and moved back here and was renting an apartment for some time. During this time, they kept in touch as she was very persistent and whenever there was an event, she invites him to go with her. At this point they were definitely fwb and he used to hesitate to talk to me and say ‘my girlfriend’. Of course, as time went by we were not so close to each other as before and barely saying hello when we see each other (it was me who didn’t want to talk to him), but of course we kept the work relationship on good terms. After a year they broke up and he was on tinder. I did tinder just to see whats on the market at the time but still did not feel comfortable to swipe right when I saw his profile(I hate that I am that shy!). 3 months went by, and they got back together. Fast forward to now, they are living at his own place as she had some issue with the landlords, and he offered her to stay with him. Obviously, he now calls her his girlfriend, without any hesitation.

I still have feelings for him, and I believe he does too. Deep down I know that he is with her just to have someone to hang out with but I am not sure if he really feels the connection with her. I hate myself for never making a move especially when I see how his now-girlfriend used to invite him to events/trips etc. Nowadays, we get to a point when we are very close to each other like we were before but this lasts only a week or so and we go back to barely speaking. Like on Wednesday his team ordered some pizzas for lunch and they had over half a pizza left and he offered it to me, and yesterday during our break I went out to buy him some sandwich as he was caught in a meeting. Today I saw him in the corridor, and we just said hello to each other and went our ways.

I would like to know what you think (if you kept reading up till now!)

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

I am not sure if this is the right thread but I am not sure where to post this and I have no one to talk to so I need to vent.

I am quite a shy person and do need some time to integrate well with new people. After 3 years working at my office, I started getting close to one of our IT guys. We had a project to do together so work got us close, and when we first started talking he was in a long-term relationship (4 or 5 years). After around 2 months of talking and getting to know each other, he split from his girlfriend and at around the same time one colleague of ours resigned and moved to her home country.

We started getting flirty with each other and both the colleagues at his office and at my office started to notice how our relationship evolved. At the same time, our company offered us some training with another company, and we used to take the same class and sit next to each other for each lesson. We even helped each other out during one of our exams! He used to get me breakfasts and lunches most of the time (without even accepting any money for it) and always seemed to think about me for these little things. During the summer our first year, we got really close at the office, he used to keep starting at my lips when I speak all the time, moving closer to talk to me however nothing ever happened. Maybe because I never wanted to kiss him in the corridor where there are many doors that can open and catch us doing such things!

During these months, the colleague that moved to her home country started chatting with him and told him that her favourite band will be having a small concert in her city and invited him to go to this concert with her, as she knew that he liked this band. She told him that he can stay with her during his trip and as lonely as he was after the breakup, he went up for it. After this trip, we were the same as before, flirty and caring about each other etc. None of us had to balls to ask each other out so we basically kept the same relationship during office hours only. After two months of his trip, this ex-colleague decided to visit the country for a job interview and since he stayed at hers when he went to her home country, he invited her to stay at his. There was some festival happening at the time, and they went together. I believe that at this particular time they were fwb. She got the job and moved back here and was renting an apartment for some time. During this time, they kept in touch as she was very persistent and whenever there was an event, she invites him to go with her. At this point they were definitely fwb and he used to hesitate to talk to me and say ‘my girlfriend’. Of course, as time went by we were not so close to each other as before and barely saying hello when we see each other (it was me who didn’t want to talk to him), but of course we kept the work relationship on good terms. After a year they broke up and he was on tinder. I did tinder just to see whats on the market at the time but still did not feel comfortable to swipe right when I saw his profile(I hate that I am that shy!). 3 months went by, and they got back together. Fast forward to now, they are living at his own place as she had some issue with the landlords, and he offered her to stay with him. Obviously, he now calls her his girlfriend, without any hesitation.

I still have feelings for him, and I believe he does too. Deep down I know that he is with her just to have someone to hang out with but I am not sure if he really feels the connection with her. I hate myself for never making a move especially when I see how his now-girlfriend used to invite him to events/trips etc. Nowadays, we get to a point when we are very close to each other like we were before but this lasts only a week or so and we go back to barely speaking. Like on Wednesday his team ordered some pizzas for lunch and they had over half a pizza left and he offered it to me, and yesterday during our break I went out to buy him some sandwich as he was caught in a meeting. Today I saw him in the corridor, and we just said hello to each other and went our ways.

I would like to know what you think (if you kept reading up till now!)

I’m sorry I dont mean to be blunt here but he is just using you for a bit of attention. I would cut my loses with him . I certainly wouldn’t be buying hI’m lunch. If he wanted to be with you he would have made it clear. Please don’t think him doing “little things” means anything. If he is living with someone else please dont get involved. It’s time to move on and forget about him.

 

[Pinhead Larry]

I am not sure if this is the right thread but I am not sure where to post this and I have no one to talk to so I need to vent.

I am quite a shy person and do need some time to integrate well with new people. After 3 years working at my office, I started getting close to one of our IT guys. We had a project to do together so work got us close, and when we first started talking he was in a long-term relationship (4 or 5 years). After around 2 months of talking and getting to know each other, he split from his girlfriend and at around the same time one colleague of ours resigned and moved to her home country.

We started getting flirty with each other and both the colleagues at his office and at my office started to notice how our relationship evolved. At the same time, our company offered us some training with another company, and we used to take the same class and sit next to each other for each lesson. We even helped each other out during one of our exams! He used to get me breakfasts and lunches most of the time (without even accepting any money for it) and always seemed to think about me for these little things. During the summer our first year, we got really close at the office, he used to keep starting at my lips when I speak all the time, moving closer to talk to me however nothing ever happened. Maybe because I never wanted to kiss him in the corridor where there are many doors that can open and catch us doing such things!

During these months, the colleague that moved to her home country started chatting with him and told him that her favourite band will be having a small concert in her city and invited him to go to this concert with her, as she knew that he liked this band. She told him that he can stay with her during his trip and as lonely as he was after the breakup, he went up for it. After this trip, we were the same as before, flirty and caring about each other etc. None of us had to balls to ask each other out so we basically kept the same relationship during office hours only. After two months of his trip, this ex-colleague decided to visit the country for a job interview and since he stayed at hers when he went to her home country, he invited her to stay at his. There was some festival happening at the time, and they went together. I believe that at this particular time they were fwb. She got the job and moved back here and was renting an apartment for some time. During this time, they kept in touch as she was very persistent and whenever there was an event, she invites him to go with her. At this point they were definitely fwb and he used to hesitate to talk to me and say ‘my girlfriend’. Of course, as time went by we were not so close to each other as before and barely saying hello when we see each other (it was me who didn’t want to talk to him), but of course we kept the work relationship on good terms. After a year they broke up and he was on tinder. I did tinder just to see whats on the market at the time but still did not feel comfortable to swipe right when I saw his profile(I hate that I am that shy!). 3 months went by, and they got back together. Fast forward to now, they are living at his own place as she had some issue with the landlords, and he offered her to stay with him. Obviously, he now calls her his girlfriend, without any hesitation.

I still have feelings for him, and I believe he does too. Deep down I know that he is with her just to have someone to hang out with but I am not sure if he really feels the connection with her. I hate myself for never making a move especially when I see how his now-girlfriend used to invite him to events/trips etc. Nowadays, we get to a point when we are very close to each other like we were before but this lasts only a week or so and we go back to barely speaking. Like on Wednesday his team ordered some pizzas for lunch and they had over half a pizza left and he offered it to me, and yesterday during our break I went out to buy him some sandwich as he was caught in a meeting. Today I saw him in the corridor, and we just said hello to each other and went our ways.

I would like to know what you think (if you kept reading up till now!)

I think the thing with men is, when they want to be with you, and it’s mutual, they’ll make it happen. They could’ve been talking for a long time before the relocations and you just didn’t know. It’s a lot to fly abroad to stay over at an ex colleagues house so they must’ve had some level of outside of work friendship at this point. I understand why you feel that way but fundamentally you’ll have to respect his decision

 

[NO4Reactor]

I am not sure if this is the right thread but I am not sure where to post this and I have no one to talk to so I need to vent.

I am quite a shy person and do need some time to integrate well with new people. After 3 years working at my office, I started getting close to one of our IT guys. We had a project to do together so work got us close, and when we first started talking he was in a long-term relationship (4 or 5 years). After around 2 months of talking and getting to know each other, he split from his girlfriend and at around the same time one colleague of ours resigned and moved to her home country.

We started getting flirty with each other and both the colleagues at his office and at my office started to notice how our relationship evolved. At the same time, our company offered us some training with another company, and we used to take the same class and sit next to each other for each lesson. We even helped each other out during one of our exams! He used to get me breakfasts and lunches most of the time (without even accepting any money for it) and always seemed to think about me for these little things. During the summer our first year, we got really close at the office, he used to keep starting at my lips when I speak all the time, moving closer to talk to me however nothing ever happened. Maybe because I never wanted to kiss him in the corridor where there are many doors that can open and catch us doing such things!

During these months, the colleague that moved to her home country started chatting with him and told him that her favourite band will be having a small concert in her city and invited him to go to this concert with her, as she knew that he liked this band. She told him that he can stay with her during his trip and as lonely as he was after the breakup, he went up for it. After this trip, we were the same as before, flirty and caring about each other etc. None of us had to balls to ask each other out so we basically kept the same relationship during office hours only. After two months of his trip, this ex-colleague decided to visit the country for a job interview and since he stayed at hers when he went to her home country, he invited her to stay at his. There was some festival happening at the time, and they went together. I believe that at this particular time they were fwb. She got the job and moved back here and was renting an apartment for some time. During this time, they kept in touch as she was very persistent and whenever there was an event, she invites him to go with her. At this point they were definitely fwb and he used to hesitate to talk to me and say ‘my girlfriend’. Of course, as time went by we were not so close to each other as before and barely saying hello when we see each other (it was me who didn’t want to talk to him), but of course we kept the work relationship on good terms. After a year they broke up and he was on tinder. I did tinder just to see whats on the market at the time but still did not feel comfortable to swipe right when I saw his profile(I hate that I am that shy!). 3 months went by, and they got back together. Fast forward to now, they are living at his own place as she had some issue with the landlords, and he offered her to stay with him. Obviously, he now calls her his girlfriend, without any hesitation.

I still have feelings for him, and I believe he does too. Deep down I know that he is with her just to have someone to hang out with but I am not sure if he really feels the connection with her. I hate myself for never making a move especially when I see how his now-girlfriend used to invite him to events/trips etc. Nowadays, we get to a point when we are very close to each other like we were before but this lasts only a week or so and we go back to barely speaking. Like on Wednesday his team ordered some pizzas for lunch and they had over half a pizza left and he offered it to me, and yesterday during our break I went out to buy him some sandwich as he was caught in a meeting. Today I saw him in the corridor, and we just said hello to each other and went our ways.

I would like to know what you think (if you kept reading up till now!)

I think if he had had some romantic feelings towards you (especially as it sounds like you would have reciprocated) he would have asked you out for a drink or something. You and him have had more than enough time together for this to happen. He sounds like a nice friendly man and the fact he hasn’t ‘tried it on’ would be enough to know he’s not interested in that way or is he frightened of rejection and was waiting for you to ask him? If he’s moved on I would just accept his friendship at work and leave it at that

 

[LaBlonde]

I think if he had had some romantic feelings towards you (especially as it sounds like you would have reciprocated) he would have asked you out for a drink or something. You and him have had more than enough time together for this to happen. He sounds like a nice friendly man and the fact he hasn’t ‘tried it on’ would be enough to know he’s not interested in that way or is he frightened of rejection and was waiting for you to ask him? If he’s moved on I would just accept his friendship at work and leave it at that

your first sentence is key tbh - especially as he made obvious moves towards the other girl.

i know this is hard OP and work flirting can get really intense but i think you have to accept that he maybe didn’t have romantic feelings. he would have made moves otherwise, as he did with her. i would consider whether you can have just friendship with him, and leave it at that.

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

your first sentence is key tbh - especially as he made obvious moves towards the other girl.

i know this is hard OP and work flirting can get really intense but i think you have to accept that he maybe didn’t have romantic feelings. he would have made moves otherwise, as he did with her. i would consider whether you can have just friendship with him, and leave it at that.

I think you’ve summed it up there work flirting
Most people have someone at work they might heartily flirt with

 

[newaccount2022]

@asitwas he has been stringing you along for years you’re not even together and he’s already not treating you right?! Sorry to be blunt but there is nothing there, move on….

I read a good quote recently that was something like ‘You don’t have great conversation with them, YOU are great at maintaining conversation’ basically you are fun and interesting and good to be around and you are putting your best foot forward for another person, so much so that you’ve tricked yourself into believing that the great person is actually them.

 

[shadowcat5]

I am not sure if this is the right thread but I am not sure where to post this and I have no one to talk to so I need to vent.

I am quite a shy person and do need some time to integrate well with new people. After 3 years working at my office, I started getting close to one of our IT guys. We had a project to do together so work got us close, and when we first started talking he was in a long-term relationship (4 or 5 years). After around 2 months of talking and getting to know each other, he split from his girlfriend and at around the same time one colleague of ours resigned and moved to her home country.

We started getting flirty with each other and both the colleagues at his office and at my office started to notice how our relationship evolved. At the same time, our company offered us some training with another company, and we used to take the same class and sit next to each other for each lesson. We even helped each other out during one of our exams! He used to get me breakfasts and lunches most of the time (without even accepting any money for it) and always seemed to think about me for these little things. During the summer our first year, we got really close at the office, he used to keep starting at my lips when I speak all the time, moving closer to talk to me however nothing ever happened. Maybe because I never wanted to kiss him in the corridor where there are many doors that can open and catch us doing such things!

During these months, the colleague that moved to her home country started chatting with him and told him that her favourite band will be having a small concert in her city and invited him to go to this concert with her, as she knew that he liked this band. She told him that he can stay with her during his trip and as lonely as he was after the breakup, he went up for it. After this trip, we were the same as before, flirty and caring about each other etc. None of us had to balls to ask each other out so we basically kept the same relationship during office hours only. After two months of his trip, this ex-colleague decided to visit the country for a job interview and since he stayed at hers when he went to her home country, he invited her to stay at his. There was some festival happening at the time, and they went together. I believe that at this particular time they were fwb. She got the job and moved back here and was renting an apartment for some time. During this time, they kept in touch as she was very persistent and whenever there was an event, she invites him to go with her. At this point they were definitely fwb and he used to hesitate to talk to me and say ‘my girlfriend’. Of course, as time went by we were not so close to each other as before and barely saying hello when we see each other (it was me who didn’t want to talk to him), but of course we kept the work relationship on good terms. After a year they broke up and he was on tinder. I did tinder just to see whats on the market at the time but still did not feel comfortable to swipe right when I saw his profile(I hate that I am that shy!). 3 months went by, and they got back together. Fast forward to now, they are living at his own place as she had some issue with the landlords, and he offered her to stay with him. Obviously, he now calls her his girlfriend, without any hesitation.

I still have feelings for him, and I believe he does too. Deep down I know that he is with her just to have someone to hang out with but I am not sure if he really feels the connection with her. I hate myself for never making a move especially when I see how his now-girlfriend used to invite him to events/trips etc. Nowadays, we get to a point when we are very close to each other like we were before but this lasts only a week or so and we go back to barely speaking. Like on Wednesday his team ordered some pizzas for lunch and they had over half a pizza left and he offered it to me, and yesterday during our break I went out to buy him some sandwich as he was caught in a meeting. Today I saw him in the corridor, and we just said hello to each other and went our ways.

I would like to know what you think (if you kept reading up till now!)

I’m really sorry because this kind of stuff always happened to me and did such a number on my confidence.

None of this is a reflection on YOU but ultimately if he wanted to, he would have. That is what I would tell myself when I was fawning over crumbs of attention. You don’t deserve someone’s crumbs. You deserve the whole biscuit. He isn’t giving that to you but someone will.

If he isn’t happy in his relationship and wants to be with you it’s on HIM to leave her and figure that tit out. If he can’t then he’s a coward or a settler and realistically, is that someone you want to be with anyway?

And you know what, maybe this is a life lesson for you to work on gaining confidence socially so that next time a situation like this happens you have the confidence to say what you want instead of letting things pass you by? Everything happens for a reason and all that.

 

[asitwas]

Thank you all for your opinions. None of my colleagues ever told me to move on and treat him just like any other colleague, even though they were aware of our relationship.
I think you are all right to tell me to move on. @LaBlonde summed it up nicely. It is just work flirting that may continue and happens even if one is already in a relationship/married. I need to accept the fact that although he may continue to flirt with me (and maybe I do flirt back) this relationship will not go anywhere. I just treat him like all the other colleagues and try to remain good friends. @shadowcat5 it is true, I do not deserve someone's crumbs.