One of my team has put in a complaint against our manager while the manager is on holiday. Their complaint is that they aren’t treated fairly, even though they get the most support out of all of us. We’ve all been called into individual meetings to give our opinion on the complaint. I’m struggling because I really like our manager and he’s been a really good support to me. He’s firm but fair and I think my colleague has completely overreacted by making a complaint. I like my colleague also but they are struggling with their work and I feel like they have made the complaint whilst our boss is on holiday for two weeks to kind of cover their back when their mistakes get found out. They keep trying to moan to us all about our manager and twisting situations almost to get us on their side. I have been struggling to sleep because I don’t want to say anything bad about either of them and I don’t want to take sides. So yeah. That’s my vent.
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My 5 year old daughters behaviour is really taking its toll on our whole family and I don't know where to turn next.
When she turned 5 it was like a switch being flicked and she's turned into a different child. She kicks and screams when things don't go her way, she screams when she gets frustrated, she screams in shops when she doesn't get what she wants. She's had to be dragged out of shops kicking and screaming dragged all the way through town and all the way to the car. She refuses to get ready for school, its a 2hr long fight every morning just to get her out the door. I have to negotiate with her for hours every morning just to get dressed and have her hair done without a meltdown. She has meltdowns over literally nothing at all. She won't listen,no discipline makes any difference what so ever and we have tried many different kinds. She has night terrors which are awful and very upsetting. Our weekends are terrible if we try to do anything, even things she likes, it allways ends the same way.
But she is good as gold at school, the perfect pupil no trouble at all. So it's just at home she is like this. I've spoken to school about her behaviour and they say they see no signs of anything she's great. I suspected ADHD but school have said they don't think so and GP won't go forward without the support of the school.
I must admit I'm struggling so much, the impact of her behaviour on our family is starting to show. we have a 9 month old who just keeps getting shoved to the side while we spend all our time and energy dealing with 5yos meltdowns. My relationship with hubby is very strained as we are both taking our frustration out on each other. Everyday im dreading whats to come, every thing we try to do is ending in a disaster. I admit I've lost my tit a number of times with her which allways makes me feel very shameful afterwards. I just don't know what to do with her. She has no remorse, or even any understanding why her behaviour is unacceptable. Which is not for lack of us trying to explain and get to understand why she cannot behave the way she does. In fact once her meltdown has finished its like nothing happened and she literally forgets all about it.
I dont know what the point of all this is other than just to get it all out. I'm at the end of my tether and feeling a lack of support.
When she turned 5 it was like a switch being flicked and she's turned into a different child. She kicks and screams when things don't go her way, she screams when she gets frustrated, she screams in shops when she doesn't get what she wants. She's had to be dragged out of shops kicking and screaming dragged all the way through town and all the way to the car. She refuses to get ready for school, its a 2hr long fight every morning just to get her out the door. I have to negotiate with her for hours every morning just to get dressed and have her hair done without a meltdown. She has meltdowns over literally nothing at all. She won't listen,no discipline makes any difference what so ever and we have tried many different kinds. She has night terrors which are awful and very upsetting. Our weekends are terrible if we try to do anything, even things she likes, it allways ends the same way.
But she is good as gold at school, the perfect pupil no trouble at all. So it's just at home she is like this. I've spoken to school about her behaviour and they say they see no signs of anything she's great. I suspected ADHD but school have said they don't think so and GP won't go forward without the support of the school.
I must admit I'm struggling so much, the impact of her behaviour on our family is starting to show. we have a 9 month old who just keeps getting shoved to the side while we spend all our time and energy dealing with 5yos meltdowns. My relationship with hubby is very strained as we are both taking our frustration out on each other. Everyday im dreading whats to come, every thing we try to do is ending in a disaster. I admit I've lost my tit a number of times with her which allways makes me feel very shameful afterwards. I just don't know what to do with her. She has no remorse, or even any understanding why her behaviour is unacceptable. Which is not for lack of us trying to explain and get to understand why she cannot behave the way she does. In fact once her meltdown has finished its like nothing happened and she literally forgets all about it.
I dont know what the point of all this is other than just to get it all out. I'm at the end of my tether and feeling a lack of support.
had anyone suggested autism to you? I ask cause I am autistic and that behaviour sounds fairly familiar. Not saying that is what the problem is or that’s what’s causing her outbursts. just making a suggestion just in case someone hasn’t yet
eta: sorry if that comes of rude or like I know everything. Not my intention at all!!
When I got pregnant four years ago my best friend of 10 years stopped speaking to me. She was jealous when I told her and cried that I wouldn’t have time for her. But I really miss her 
. We were like sisters. I know I’m probably better off without her as she couldn’t be happy for me .. but It doesn’t stop me missing her.
a few months after giving birth I realised that she removed me on all social media and we stopped speaking completely. She never came to see him when he was born. Sent me a quick congrats msg and we haven’t spoke since. It’s sad really that I still think of her now
. We were like sisters. I know I’m probably better off without her as she couldn’t be happy for me .. but It doesn’t stop me missing her. a few months after giving birth I realised that she removed me on all social media and we stopped speaking completely. She never came to see him when he was born. Sent me a quick congrats msg and we haven’t spoke since. It’s sad really that I still think of her now
Not rude at all! Yes autism has also crossed my mind, the reason I was thinking ADHD is just because alot of thing she fits it very very well.
Some things very noticiable with her are excessive talking, she will literally talk your head off just going on and on with no chance for you to get a word in. while she is talking she is literally hoping around the room non stop. She interrupts constantly no matter how many times you tell her not to. She will be up in her room for an hour or so and you'll go in to see what she's up to and she has got every single thing out, she just goes from one to the other getting it out playing for a bit then abandons it and gets out something else.
But then she also shows alot of signs of anxiety in certain situations, birthday parties have become a real thing as she so desperately wants to go but when she's there she won't go and join in with her freinds. But she will happily do so at school with them. Seems like parties are almost too much going on for her, whereas at school the routine and "safeness" makes her feel comfortable??
But for both autism and ADHD would there not be signs of them when she was younger? She never displayed any of this behaviour until she turned 5 in July. But like I said school say that they don't notice anything at all and so the GP just won't even see her or even entertain getting her assessed for anything because nothing is affecting her school work?? I certain its something and want to get her the help she needs but I don't know how to get it!
autism and ADHD do have overlapping traits (i don’t have adhd but I do have certain traits of it like inability to stick to one task for example) so it could be either or neither. Talking could be either or. Out of interest, when she’s talking is she listening? or will she just completely disregard what’s said to her and keep talking about what’s she wants?
it could be that as she’s getting older she’s getting more overwhelmed and is becoming more anxious. Tbh I was the model child until about 9/10 when I really started to struggle. I had god awful anxiety. It could also be a change in school. If it’s autism or adhd, I’m wondering if the change from reception which is fairly relaxed and low in concentration to year 1 which requires a lot more concentration and it’s very routine heavy is a struggle. It could be that the meltdowns are from her holding it together at school? Either from struggling to concentrate or from having to “mask”. Like I said I really don’t know but I am just going off my own experiences (i really remember the change from reception to year 1. Sounds ridiculous but I remember the change from wild playing to sitting at table for what seemed like hours)
ETA: what kind of parties are we talking about? You’re spot on about the routine thing but also I’m wondering if school has behaviour expectations that she understands whereas a party has rules she hasn’t learned yet and that’s why she’s anxious. She may not know how she’s supposed to be?
ETA (again): I recommend Paige Layla and Olivia Hops YouTube channels. They discuss at length about how autism affected them as kids. Paige does one with her mother and they discuss her behaviours as a child. I’m not saying she is autistic but if you watched the videos it might give you more of an idea if that is what you’re dealing with as you can match (or unmatch) the traits.
also How to ADHD on YouTube is a good one!
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Thank you so much for reply.
When she's talking she does listen when you reply yes, its just being able to fit in the reply with her nonsense too going on thats hard
I think actually the change from reception to year one has been good for her, she absolutely loves it. She seems to feel very safe and comfortable at school, and like you did mention she knows what expected of her there. But I have read about "masking" and It certainly does resonate with some of her behaviour. I find it all so confusing, because sometimes I think she's just growing and becoming herself and other times I'm certain there is something very wrong.
I will absolutely have a look at the YouTube channels. Its great to hear some "real life" experience if that makes sense so thank you so much for taking the time to reply
it really could be that she is growing. It could be that something is going on at school, it could be pushing boundaries, it could be anything really. I think what resonated with me is the fact that she meltdowns and then goes on like nothing happened. I can spent an hour crying under a blanket, full body sobs and then get up and start making my tea like nothing happenedThank you so much for reply.
When she's talking she does listen when you reply yes, its just being able to fit in the reply with her nonsense too going on thats hard
I think actually the change from reception to year one has been good for her, she absolutely loves it. She seems to feel very safe and comfortable at school, and like you did mention she knows what expected of her there. But I have read about "masking" and It certainly does resonate with some of her behaviour. I find it all so confusing, because sometimes I think she's just growing and becoming herself and other times I'm certain there is something very wrong.
I will absolutely have a look at the YouTube channels. Its great to hear some "real life" experience if that makes sense so thank you so much for taking the time to reply
s there anything that seems to cause it? If you don’t mind me asking, does she get babysat by people? What is she like with them?
we do have a neurodivergent thread on here. You might find it helpful to have a look and see if any other traits we discuss resonate. I hope it eases for all of you soon
I’m honestly seriously annoyed.
I started my 10 day annual leave on Friday last week. I wanted this time off to fully recharge and focus on myself.. meaning no work talk or dealing with any of my deceased dad’s paperwork which has consumed all my time off since January.
I was looking forward to this week to recharge and reassess what I’m going to do with my life (move abroad / look for a new job).
I was chilling minding my own business when I suddenly get a random text from one of my work friends complaining about the manager who asked them to see an occupational health doctor due to their repeated sick leaves (this person has been on and off on sick leave for 7 months when they just joined the role in September last year. Their last sick leavewas the final straw as they decided to call in sick the moment something stupid didn’t go their way). They brought this upon themselves quite frankly.
This person and I never text ever. I’m annoyed that they know if everything that’s happened to me at work and personally and decided to bother me during my personal time to send me a bit long rant about work. I quite frankly do not give a toss about their issues. I’ve got bigger things going on and the moment I log off, work was out of my mind. I find it highly inappropriate they texted me during my time off to bother me with this because my mind went back to work mode as soon as I saw their text.
I’m already hating the job enough and wanted to breathe for a few days. I really didn’t need their drama following me around when I’m off too. I’m so annoyed.
I started my 10 day annual leave on Friday last week. I wanted this time off to fully recharge and focus on myself.. meaning no work talk or dealing with any of my deceased dad’s paperwork which has consumed all my time off since January.
I was looking forward to this week to recharge and reassess what I’m going to do with my life (move abroad / look for a new job).
I was chilling minding my own business when I suddenly get a random text from one of my work friends complaining about the manager who asked them to see an occupational health doctor due to their repeated sick leaves (this person has been on and off on sick leave for 7 months when they just joined the role in September last year. Their last sick leavewas the final straw as they decided to call in sick the moment something stupid didn’t go their way). They brought this upon themselves quite frankly.
This person and I never text ever. I’m annoyed that they know if everything that’s happened to me at work and personally and decided to bother me during my personal time to send me a bit long rant about work. I quite frankly do not give a toss about their issues. I’ve got bigger things going on and the moment I log off, work was out of my mind. I find it highly inappropriate they texted me during my time off to bother me with this because my mind went back to work mode as soon as I saw their text.
I’m already hating the job enough and wanted to breathe for a few days. I really didn’t need their drama following me around when I’m off too. I’m so annoyed.
that sucks, I would be tempted to send a reply along the lines of what you’ve posted here, then block her number.
I’ve already blocked their number following this. When they’ll ping me at work upon my return, I’ll give them a piece of my mind and go silent afterwards. They’re moving teams anyways, so I don’t care.
They said in their text “sorry to disturb you with my issues during your break”. Well, if they’re that aware, why are they bothering me then? No point in apologizing if you’ve already bothered me. No self-awareness whatsoever.
I'm feeling very tired today. I'm in the middle of divorcing someone who was intermittently abusive and who has a really nasty streak. He has recently decided he will no longer look after our children whilst I work (something he has threatened for months) and announced this slap bang in the middle of a really important and intense work course I'm doing. He's also telling his solicitor that I am harassing him amongst other lies.
My parents are now providing childcare but realistically I don't know how long they can manage to do this for. They are in their 70's and I work antisocial hours. We're hoping we can manage long enough to complete the financial settlement.
I'm staring down the barrel of potentially having to leave a job I love and have worked hard to achieve in, whilst being unable to secure a mortgage deal until he agrees a settlement. All the while I'm watching products disappear and interest rates climb.
I know that this is a continuation of coercive control but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I'm struggling to understand how someone can be so vindictive, especially given the impact on our children.
My parents are now providing childcare but realistically I don't know how long they can manage to do this for. They are in their 70's and I work antisocial hours. We're hoping we can manage long enough to complete the financial settlement.
I'm staring down the barrel of potentially having to leave a job I love and have worked hard to achieve in, whilst being unable to secure a mortgage deal until he agrees a settlement. All the while I'm watching products disappear and interest rates climb.
I know that this is a continuation of coercive control but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I'm struggling to understand how someone can be so vindictive, especially given the impact on our children.
I don’t really have any advice or can say anything that will help make it better for you but I just wanted to send you lots of love
hopefully things will get better for you soon xThanks. I don't quite know how to proceed except plod on. Anger isn't helping. It's doing me no good. I just have to move to acceptance. It's extremely difficult though because I don't behave like he does so I find it so hard to process.I don’t really have any advice or can say anything that will help make it better for you but I just wanted to send you lots of love
I empathise with you and the control is a reflection on them, though you have so many other challenges on your plate. Big hug.
It will likely never make sense, however, all I can suggest is try to be as present as possible, a day at a time (I know easier said than done, and I hear there is a lot for you to deal with now).
Can you speak with your employer's ? Just keep them informed in brief of what you are going through, it is challenging to just plod and be focussed for work all the time when going through a major life shift.
Keep a journal, if you don't, things that might matter. Does not have to be war and peace.
Really try not to lose your sense of self and purpose. Hopefully he tires of the control sooner rather than later, so that your settlement can be reached.
I will manifest the best possible outcome for you and your family and good on your parents.
Hope you turn a sunnier corner soon.
Not much use but feel for you. Talking about it will help.
Sending strength, love and positivity. X
It is a help thank you. I have spoken to my employer and they have already been incredibly helpful. The reality is the majority of my job needs me to be on site as it were. It's not a job I can work from home for aside from occasional.
He knows that though so all this is just control.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I had a similar situation when my daughters were young and even though I know this happens to so many women, I’m still shocked that any parent can use their children to punish an ex.
i am glad you have got your parents and you’ve spoken to your work. Hang in there and I hope your parents can do so too. I am sending you a virtual hug! X
These characters are just malevolent. It is almost like a competition to them.
Well done for speaking with your employer's. Sometimes that can open up other avenues of support too.
I recently gained support from a local women's centre. Appreciate that they are not everywhere, though the one I used is wonderful. A hub for support, advice and there to empower women.
If and when you feel up to it, may be worth asking the Google if there is anything locally. We do not get if we don't ask.
I'm tit at asking for help, without digressing to me, it's been complicated and I was fiercely independent until some stuff happened so just trying to share from my lived experience.
I don't know you but admire you. It's bloody hard work. You always got this thread if need be. Ha ha I'll shut up. But will share Assertive Bill of Rights. May or may not help but when I'm doing my own head in, reading it, can recentre me sometimes.
I had 6 month councilling via a women centre recently and one of first things she recommended to me.
Take care and am sure and hope that you have the freedom, positivity and peace to move on from this soon, closing that chapter behind you.
Be well.
Thanks for this!
I spoke with someone from Women's Aid for a few weeks early on in the separation and she was incredibly helpful. I've thought for a while that I will probably need some counselling. I don't feel like I can do that at the moment though. I don't think Ive got the head space for it and I'm just not in a position to allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable if that makes sense.
I hear you and I am no expert, however, you have other priorities at present. Don't ignore that gut feeling that you could benefit from councilling.
I imagine that you feel like you are juggling too many balls at the moment, as it is.
Keep it in your back pocket for when you feel ready to tackle yourself head on.
You sound really brave and assertive and I wish you the best.
Take care and meant to say I love your user name. When I've seen you on other threads I'm like awww when see your name and kind of say it in my head. Go figure.
It's bloody hard work being human sometimes and a saving grace is remembering we are not alone. X
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