Support for anyone that needs to vent #3

[Squittel]

So like, my mum committed suicide. I was 6. It was actually 3 days before my 7th birthday. It was many years ago.

I have had a lot of emotion lately. About everything. But today I found out something and I think it’s positive.

I always felt like her suicide was something to do with me. I was quite a loud, untidy, couldn’t sit still kind of child. I always felt that if my mum had had a calmer, tidier non ADHD child that she might not have committed suicide.

My dad was never really in the picture. He left when I was young.

Again, I blamed myself to some degree for that too. Maybe if I hadn’t been born he would have stayed and my mum could have been happy.

Anyway, today I found out that my Mum had huge health anxiety. When the “mad cow disease” thing happened in the 90s she became consumed by it. A disease, a prion disease, that cannot be seen, cannot be detected until it’s too late. Once you get the symptoms you are already dead.

She convinced herself she had it. Every TV station, news paper, radio show was talking about it. All over the news were bodies of cattle piled high burning. She couldn’t escape it. And she as sure she had it, she just had to wait for her inevitable death. Maybe in a month, maybe in a year, maybe in 10 years. Her mental health was already bad but this kicked it into overdrive. It was all she could think about.

And she killed herself. Because she didn’t want me to watch her go through this awful death she had imagined for herself. Because our brains can trick us into believing terrible things.

But, here’s the take home. It wasn’t my fault. There was nothing I could have done. I could have been any child, the best behaved child in the world and she still would have done it. And she did love me. Her brain was just cruel.

So if you’ve read this far, firstly thank you. And secondly, I’ve kept this bottled up for 26 years+. I never thought to ask anyone why she did it, or what went on in the months leading up to it. I thought she was just stressed by life and couldn’t handle it and if I’d been better things would have been different. But they wouldn’t. So chaps; communicate. Communicate about the bad things. You might get some much needed peace.

 

[Tanne1999]

My grandma passed away tonight. (she’s my stepdads mum, but still class her as grandma)

They’re all currently abroad, they didn’t expect her to get poorly and pass. I don’t know what they’re going to do about a funeral or if they just have to cremate her there and bring her ashes back.

I’ve just been sat reading through our WhatsApp messages. I can’t sleep. My mind is doing 268mph.

 

[watermelon sugar]

I just need to rant cos I’ve no one to speak to.

tw: pregnancy loss

I had a miscarriage 4 weeks ago. I am really struggling. I had a weekend away with my family this weekend just gone and I felt ok but now I’m home I just feel depressed. I know it’s grief but I just feel the sadness won’t ever go away. I feel like I’m torturing myself because I have a baby app on my phone and im still keeping track of the baby what would have been. I was writing on the pregnancy thread and I keep reading it and just thinking why isn’t this me talking about seeing a heartbeat on a scan or talking about possible baby names. I’m seeing pregnancy announcements and I wish it was me and it makes me sad. I wish I was still pregnant. I don’t understand why it had to be me. Was it something I done wrong? Cos I told people? Cos I accidentally drank when I was pregnant when I didn’t know. I just feel like I’m torturing myself constantly. My partner doesn’t seem to be much help all he says is ‘at least you weren’t that far along’ I was still attached though. I seen the baby on the scan the same day I began to miscarry but I was told it was ok. My partners mum keeps saying ‘how can you be sad about it when you’ve already got one baby’ how are these words meant to help? How am I meant to get past this? I don’t feel like me anymore

 

[Sturdy]

I feel like I’m sinking. Two ill parents, one terminal. Piss poor family dynamics (I’d go as far as to say dysfunctional), I binge eat to cope (except I’m not coping) and I can’t remember the last time I was happy. I mean truly happy.

I’ve always had shall we say shoddy mental health. GPs have been useless. I sobbed down the phone to the last one and begged for help. I was told to go out for a walk.

I’m lonely and I’m tired. I wish I had the guts to step off the world but I don’t. I feel trapped in this impossible life.

 

[LittleMy]

Not a vent really, just feeling really sad and angry. A close family member of mine found out they had cancer around the height of the pandemic. Because of the lockdowns and delays in treatment, it had then spread to other parts of their body. After waiting this past week to hear what happens next and them being hospitalised for being very poorly, we’ve just found out they’ve now been given weeks, maybe days, to live. I’ve cried so much the last couple of days that I don’t have anything left in me. My whole family are devastated by this. It’s just so cruel

I just needed somewhere to put this.

 

[candyland_]

You can’t compare your anxiety to someone else’s or judge the level of their suffering just because you don’t think it’s as bad as yours it doesn’t mean they aren’t suffering.

 

[Princess of Scots]

Just popping by. I mentioned a few times on the last thread about my struggle to get my GP to take me seriously.

I now have two appointments (one for eating disorder service) and another for anxiety. They aren't for a few weeks unfortunately but at least they are in place and I have a date and time

 

[taleoftittletat]

Not sure if there is a better suited place for this but I can’t seem to find one so here I am.

I am so upset. For the past year, I have found maybe 6 or 7 empty bags with what I can see is cocaine residue in, in my OH pockets (washing). For a while now my brother in law has been going through a very bad break up and has been at mine and my OH house a lot. It’s known that his brother takes cocaine in times of crisis and my OH has come to me at times and said how he thinks he has a problem, is worried about him and speaks about it generally like his brother should be ashamed of that behaviour and general disgust.

In a nutshell he’s blamed these bags on his brother and over time I’ve called him out each time and said I’m not stupid. My suspicions have been that he is doing it too. The other week I saw his brothers ex and she told me his cocaine taking was involved in the demise of their relationship and she mentioned seeing them both do it together with her own eyes. I asked about this and he said she was lying. A few days later I went in the kitchen where they were sat at the table watching tv and he quickly slammed his hand on the table (covering something). I shook my head and tried to walk over to get him to lift his hand and he physically kept me at arms length with his other arm, we argued about it but after lots of manipulation and I felt lying, I knew I couldn’t prove it so was fighting a losing battle. I felt strongly I was being gaslit about the whole situation.

Today I walked into the kitchen and same scenario apart from he was actually mid sniff. I saw this with my own two eyes. I gave a sigh, almost a sense of relief that I wasn’t going mad, then I was upset/shaking but I just turned around and went upstairs, didn’t say a word. Packed a suitcase for me and our baby (another reason I’m so disgusted and hurt, the safety of our baby is in question here). I’ve left and got a hotel and I can only describe what has come next as a total bombardment of lies, manipulation. I didn’t see what I saw, he had a tissue rolled up his nose. He has literally sent me a barrage of messages, all about how disgusting I am?! That I’ve embarrassed him and so much other stuff I can’t even get into it.

I am so hurt, for me, our baby and for the fact that I work in a profession where I cannot stand for that, my career and authenticity would be on the line. He knows this as well. How do I deal with this? Other than this issue he’s a great dad, and day to day our life is lovely which is why it breaks me. The lying is insane and has made me feel totally crazy at times.

 

[WilmaHun]

Spoiler: tw: cervical cancer

I’ve been fast tracked to the hospital for a cervical cancer scare. This is the third time now for me. Fortunately both times previous it’s not been that, but this time I’ve got this awful feeling in my gut. My symptoms (mainly unexplained bleeding) have been worse this time. I’m anxious and frightened, but I’ve been through this before so I know what to expect and it still doesn’t make me any less anxious. My boyfriend and I have been trying for a baby and all I keep thinking is what a failure I’ll be to him if something is wrong with me I’ve not told anyone other than my bf as I don’t wanna be a burden on anyone when everyone has their own shit going on, I’ve just told everyone I’m suffering with anxiety but I needed to vent and get it out somewhere

 

[newaccount2022]

Hi guys, would really appreciate an outsiders opinion on this. If I'm about to embarrass myself please let me know...

I have been single all my life and am really sensitive about it. I am late 20s and a hopeless romantic, I want a partner and love. I'm normal looking, look after myself, go to therapy, have hobbies, blah blah blah. Just never happens. I've done it all from therapy, fortune tellers, blind dates, dating apps, approaching men, meeting at hobbies. No issue getting dates or one night stands if I wanted them, it just never goes anywhere. I have non-existent self worth and it's obviously not attractive.

I have a small friend group of 5 girls and me. 4 out of 5 have long term boyfriends that they live with. The friendship dynamics have changed over the years as their priorities have obviously changed. I try my best to be happy for them and I am... but bitterness, jealousy and sadness do linger inside of me as well. Aside from my friendship group, I have 2 housemates who are both in long term relationships, one sibling who is in a long term relationship, and two closer friends I met through work who are both married.

My birthday is this weekend and I didn't want to celebrate. I have been feeling especially down and withdrawn lately and I just don't feel like I have anything to celebrate. The girls insisted and so I asked for a lowkey girls night, just the 6 of us. I just cannot face another night out of me sitting among couples kissing and pawing at each other as the hours go on.

My fifth friend met a man two weeks ago on a night out while he was in our city on a stag night. He stayed an extra few nights to spend time with her, she then flew over to him, she came home for a day, left again and is still there with him. We all had great excitement getting all her updates and pictures.

Well this morning she texts and says he has booked a flight over to here for the weekend and he cannot wait to meet all of us. She 'told him it was a girls night' but 'he insisted'. So she said 'lets just bring all the boys and make it a big proper night out'. Everyone jumped to agree to this and said it will be way more fun. They are much more enthusiastic about the weekend now that all their boyfriends are coming.

I love all of their boyfriends to bits, they are all amazing but right now I have made up my mind that I'm not going and I'm just going to fake sick. I cannot stomach the thoughts of sitting there like a zoo animal on show while they all tell me my time will come and 'some day, don't worry!' I love my friend who has met this new man but she fobs off so many men in favour of being single and didn't even want a relationship and this just fell into her lap and I am burning with jealousy. She 100% deserves a great relationship and I want her to be happy, I am just lonely and empty and hating myself.

There's no sense in ruining everyones mood by saying I just want a girls night. We don't do gifts or cake etc. for birthdays so if I am not there it won't make any difference to the night so I'm thinking I'll just pull out the day of. I know if I go it will go exactly like this: me sitting at the table answering everyones questions, me being expected to bring the horrifying/funny dating stories, them looking around the pub for a man for me, them grabbing their shared taxis home and then me going home alone to cry in my bed!!!

Am I being too much of a bitch/drama queen here? Just feel like I'm at the end of my rope and I'm embarrassed and frustrated that none of the girls were a bit more tactical and didn't cop on to the fact I don't want to sit alone with 5 couples.

 

[Tanne1999]

Yet another negative pregnancy test tonight

Makes it even worse when I have family members with 4-6 children each in social care because they abused them. Why can these people get pregnant so easy yet I struggle to. Life is fucking unfair.

 

[Kim Mild]

I feel so unhappy a lot of the time.

 

[Squittel]

I’m really fucked off with the fucking birds.

They looked really fucking hot and were sat on the grass spreading their wings out to cool down and I felt fucking sorry for them.

So I filled up a big fuck off Pyrex dish of water and brought it all the way downstairs past all my ground floor neighbours with their doors open slopping it all over the place and put it under the tree so the fucking birds could cool down and drink some fucking water.

But the fucking birds looked at me like a piece of shit and flew away and have ignored my fucking kind fucking offering like they don’t even fucking care and it’s like well fuck you too you feathery fucking heathens I hope you fucking boil alive.

And I’ll have to go back downstairs later and collect my fucking rejected Pyrex dish of fucking bird water like a fucking rejected bird mother whose children hate her.

BIRDS.

Edit: I have realised I probably swore too much. I just really like birds. I don’t want them to boil alive. I just want them to view me as a water God. Or like Snow White or something.

 

[candyland_]

I hope no one minds me posting here but I’m at a loss for what to do and I can’t shake this sadness
I became badly depressed earlier this year after a messy break up from a brief relationship. I’m now on my 5th different antidepressant and I’ve done my CBT already but I seem to have such nasty lows still. I keep waiting for things to get better but they seem worse.
I had my antidepressant dosage upped about 3 weeks ago and I think I feel worse if anything. I’m so emotional I cry over everything, the thought of working makes me feel physically sick and I wake up every morning at 5am.
I don’t feel like going back to my GP because I don’t know what else they can do! I’ve tried everything.
I’m 32 and I’ve been single for over 10 years. I live with mum still and I feel like such a failure and like I’ll never find love. I know a man would sort my problems out but I feel too depressed and beaten down to date.
Sorry it’s a bit much! I needed to vent x

To be brutally honest I don’t think a man would fix your problems. Remove the idea of a man from the equation while you work on yourself. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh - I don’t mean it to but I think you have emphasised the need for a man previous/on other threads but seriously they aren’t the answer.

 

[Littleelf]

My family just not giving a shit at all about me.

Its my birthday later this month, and my mum just messaged me to say she's transfered me some money now because she's on holiday for my birthday so she will "probably forget on the day". Cheers thanks makes me feel great.

Last year was a big birthday, I spent all day in hospital on my own as had two appointments. Nobody arranged to see me and my mum had basically double booked herself for the weekend. So last minute was like oh well you can join us for a carvery if you like but its with my husbands family. It was my 30th birthday ffs.

My dad lives on the other side of the world and I usually don't get any contact from him.

My freinds are all busy with there own loves, quite rightly we are all at an age where we have children.

Just feel very alone and my own family don't care at all. Makes me feel like shit honestly.

Only saving grace is hubby and my children

 

[WilmaHun]

I’m starting to realise that no matter how kind and loyal I am to people, they won’t be the same in return. It hurts when you think someone is a good person but actually they’re just taking advantage of your kindness. Maybe I’m naive and too trusting of people idk, but at least I know I’ve stayed true to myself.

 

[Noseybatch]

My abusive ex died during the week. It's 9 years since we were together I'm married now and have a daughter but I literally couldn't hold it together on the school run the other morning. I'm so angry at myself for giving him more tears.

 

[OmgObsessed]

I feel like I have absolutely no one to talk to besides this website. I'm always kind to others and they treat me like absolute shit for no reason.

 

[dotty.doodlexx]

My rant is a bit of a self inflicted one. My partners had to borrow his sisters phone while his is being repaired and whilst I was helping set it up, I found all of her old text messages. Curiosity got the better of me and I have found lots and lots of texts of his sister and his sister in law talking about me. Saying some very, very hurtful things over the past 4 years including mocking my mental health. I really would like to confront them over these things but I am making myself look silly as I went looking through the texts. My partner says he wants to say something too but can’t as they’ll know I was reading the texts. It’s really hurt me as I help them out so much with childcare, dog care etc.

I know it is my own fault but I feel so upset by it all.

 

[TheGlossy]

I don’t know if I should feel angry or sad or simply not surprised.

I spoke about how my family treated me as their personal secretary after my dad died dumping all the administrative and legal burden on me. I helped them out financially and paid some procedures which all amounted to 2.5K.

All throughout this period, not one sibling (3 above 20 years old) lifted a finger to help out whether financially or else. Every time they received a letter or a request, they forwarded to me asking me to handle.

Nail in the coffin was when I flew to meet with the notary to get paperwork done and they brought my narcissistic mother along without telling me. I had mentioned before we were estranged for 6 years because of her ways and she was forced back into my life when my dad died. Every day she had a different demand when I allowed her back in. It culminated in front of the notary’s office when she ambushed me when I exited the office. She didn’t even ask how my flight was or that it was nice to see me - she just asked “what about my money” and started an argument. I walked away and left her standing because I had enough. I had just written off more money to benefit her and she dared speaking to me like that.

Fast forward, after that incident which my siblings witnessed, not one of them reached out to ask how I was doing. A month later, they reach out to saying “here’s what we received through the post, please handle”. They completely disregarded what happened at the notary’s and didn’t even ask how I was doing. I did not respond.

They sent me an email last week asking me how I’m doing. I responded politely saying “thanks, doing well, busy. Hope all is well with you too” and was met with a no response which makes me guess they wanted something from me and stopped in their tracks when I said I’m busy.

Fast forward, today is my birthday and not one of them wished me a happy birthday. After all I’ve done for them for almost a year, getting them out of a pickle financially, ensuring they kept a roof over their heads despite the fact they’re all grown adults and can handle all of this. I even sent them gifts to celebrate certain holidays to ease the pain of my dad’s absence. I almost had a mental breakdown because of all the stress they and my narcissistic mother inflicted on me with their problems and that’s how they thank me? After all I’ve done for me, a birthday greeting gesture is the least they could do. This is a disgrace.

From today on, these selfish people are out of sight out of mind.