Support for anyone that needs to vent #3

[Tommyb]

Sorry to hear this. I hate decision making at the best of times. Couldn’t imagine something like this.
i would have the test because if you’re worried now and don’t have it you’ll always be worried and thinking what if ? Is it treatable? If so, three more months of worrying is better than a lifetime of I wish I had the test.
i think If you’re a worrier/ anxious irs always better to put your mind at rest? I’m not sure the ins and outs but if you do end up having it then you can get the medical advice

I agree with you. It is treatable but involves a transplant later down the line. Frustrating as my parent won't have the test which means if he doesn't have the gene then neither can any of his 5 kids.

I think I do need to do the test and get it out of the way otherwise il always be wondering. The alternative is having kids the natural way then having them tested for the gene. But I already know i couldn't do that to them. If they have the gene I would feel so guilty knowing I could have prevented it.

Thanks for replying. It helped alot just to write it down!

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

I agree with you. It is treatable but involves a transplant later down the line. Frustrating as my parent won't have the test which means if he doesn't have the gene then neither can any of his 5 kids.

I think I do need to do the test and get it out of the way otherwise il always be wondering. The alternative is having kids the natural way then having them tested for the gene. But I already know i couldn't do that to them. If they have the gene I would feel so guilty knowing I could have prevented it.

Thanks for replying. It helped alot just to write it down!

It’s always good to get things off your chest . Definitely think about having it just to put your mind at rest

 

[Gidget00_]

My daughter has got autism and just been diagnosed with adhd. My marriage is falling apart and I'm struggling to hold it all together!
I just feel like I'm a failure in all aspects of life

You’re not a failure, to go through one of those things is hard but to go through both at the same time, I can’t imagine how difficult it is for you. Sending love xx

 

[Slaybutter]

I’m done

 

[Gidget00_]

I’m done

Are you okay?

 

[Slaybutter]

Are you okay?

yeah, that gif is like magic

 

[wafflesnwings]

Hi everyone, I have felt a bit aggravated lately. I have fibromyalgia and it's something that annoys me all the time - some days more than others. I did treatment for it, and now it's about adjusting to life with it. I was having a conversation about it with someone I'd met up with for drinks, and he said that it mustn't be that bad because I look fine. I get told this a lot - that because I 'look fine' there isn't anything wrong with me. I didn't react the way I wanted to in the moment, because we were in public and I probably would have been arrested, but I ended up screaming into a pillow when I came home. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed of myself for doing that. I'm not sure what the aim of my post is: I'm just fed up of being told this, the fibro itself, how much of my life it changed, the recent hot weather in my city (because it causes flare-ups) and people's insensitivity

 

[Codiaeum]

Venting here, to get it off my chest, although I'm not even entirely sure where I'm going with this.

My mum wrote to me that a girl I was close friends with in my childhood and whose parents were the best friends of my parents is pregnant. I don't have contact with her anymore, but, good for her, I hope the baby and her a doing well and all that.
I never particularly wanted children myself, I have the odd thought of "if I had a kid, then..." but I never really longed to have them myself. Nevertheless, that news from my mum once more led to a ton of overthinking:
I'm 32, and I've been with my boyfriend for 15 years (he's 31). We're not married, we joke about doing it sometimes, but never really do it. Secretly, I'd kind of like to, but I also know that a lot of that is mostly to get people to recognize that my relationship is just as secure and stable as one with a signature is, but admittedly, it feels like a milestone not hit.
We live in a very nice rented flat, but I would like to buy a home. We live in an expensive city and since both of us work from home 100%, we need a bit of space to just do that, so a house in an area we'd like to live in would be quite dear. Again, it feels like we should have gotten around to doing that but haven't.
We are both in very very good careers, but especially mine has been demanding. I'm changing jobs now, I was with a high profile company with a "cool job" and a good wage, but the price definitely was that outside of my boyfriend, I don't actually have friends aside from one person in this city, I simply worked too much, silly hours and being introverted and likely having some mild form of social anxiety/insecurity didn't help to get out.
I didn't have a great time in school for a few years as I was bullied (never severely, but it left marks nevertheless) and some part of me wants to "show them". I don't even have any contact with these people but it somehow drives me. Those few years sadly also made me more introverted (or what I think is introversion for me) than what is probably healthy as I dig into things I'm invested in. I took my studies seriously and when I landed my job and it became very time-intensive, I gladly jumped into that as well, leading to the effect that I barely spared the few friends I had from uni a thought.

Looking around the people I went to school/uni with, many of them are married with kids and houses, while I have a career I'm admittedly really proud of, but can't help but feel like I'm not hitting those "adult milestones". And any time I get news like "xy is married" or "z bought a house" it really gets my overthinking tendencies into overdrive. I think a lot of that is truly coming from internalized thinking that you ought to get some stuff done by the age you're X and that it's just the "norm" or whatever. But even dissecting it myself in that way doesn't kill the feeling.

 

[WilmaHun]

Spoiler: tw: cervical cancer

I’ve been fast tracked to the hospital for a cervical cancer scare. This is the third time now for me. Fortunately both times previous it’s not been that, but this time I’ve got this awful feeling in my gut. My symptoms (mainly unexplained bleeding) have been worse this time. I’m anxious and frightened, but I’ve been through this before so I know what to expect and it still doesn’t make me any less anxious. My boyfriend and I have been trying for a baby and all I keep thinking is what a failure I’ll be to him if something is wrong with me I’ve not told anyone other than my bf as I don’t wanna be a burden on anyone when everyone has their own tit going on, I’ve just told everyone I’m suffering with anxiety but I needed to vent and get it out somewhere

 

[Tove_drew]

Venting here, to get it off my chest, although I'm not even entirely sure where I'm going with this.

My mum wrote to me that a girl I was close friends with in my childhood and whose parents were the best friends of my parents is pregnant. I don't have contact with her anymore, but, good for her, I hope the baby and her a doing well and all that.
I never particularly wanted children myself, I have the odd thought of "if I had a kid, then..." but I never really longed to have them myself. Nevertheless, that news from my mum once more led to a ton of overthinking:
I'm 32, and I've been with my boyfriend for 15 years (he's 31). We're not married, we joke about doing it sometimes, but never really do it. Secretly, I'd kind of like to, but I also know that a lot of that is mostly to get people to recognize that my relationship is just as secure and stable as one with a signature is, but admittedly, it feels like a milestone not hit.
We live in a very nice rented flat, but I would like to buy a home. We live in an expensive city and since both of us work from home 100%, we need a bit of space to just do that, so a house in an area we'd like to live in would be quite dear. Again, it feels like we should have gotten around to doing that but haven't.
We are both in very very good careers, but especially mine has been demanding. I'm changing jobs now, I was with a high profile company with a "cool job" and a good wage, but the price definitely was that outside of my boyfriend, I don't actually have friends aside from one person in this city, I simply worked too much, silly hours and being introverted and likely having some mild form of social anxiety/insecurity didn't help to get out.
I didn't have a great time in school for a few years as I was bullied (never severely, but it left marks nevertheless) and some part of me wants to "show them". I don't even have any contact with these people but it somehow drives me. Those few years sadly also made me more introverted (or what I think is introversion for me) than what is probably healthy as I dig into things I'm invested in. I took my studies seriously and when I landed my job and it became very time-intensive, I gladly jumped into that as well, leading to the effect that I barely spared the few friends I had from uni a thought.

Looking around the people I went to school/uni with, many of them are married with kids and houses, while I have a career I'm admittedly really proud of, but can't help but feel like I'm not hitting those "adult milestones". And any time I get news like "xy is married" or "z bought a house" it really gets my overthinking tendencies into overdrive. I think a lot of that is truly coming from internalized thinking that you ought to get some stuff done by the age you're X and that it's just the "norm" or whatever. But even dissecting it myself in that way doesn't kill the feeling.

I can relate to a lot of this, similar timeline with boyfriend, renting in an expensive city and how I was thinking at 32 (35 now). I also threw myself at work to the detriment of friendships albeit my career path is a less financial advantageous one (the arts). Like you I’m also introverted. Only big difference is the kid thing, I believed I wanted kids and then as I got further into my work I worried about it but now I’m back to wanting at least one.

It’s tough the goal posts are so different when you live in a big city. Frankly I don’t know anyone who gets on the property ladder in major cities like London or Dublin without either saving for years by living at home (city born and raised) or getting a huge deposit from family back home.

I know it might sound silly but clubs are a good way to meet people if that’s something you want. For me getting a dog meant I started interacting with other dog folk in the area and made some friends that way and also via Instagram from fellow dog account people. Just meet up for a walk and a coffee and the ones I clicked with we have ended up going for meals out etc.

I actually came to this thread to vent myself as I’m waiting for my partner to propose and it was only once the pandemic happened I realised how much I wanted to take the next steps (marriage/having a baby). He and I are on the same page about wanting a child, we even started trying but after having a chemical pregnancy we decided to wait until next summer. I want to take the time to be healthier but also I want to at least be engaged. My partner said he felt I was driving this next step and eventually we decided he needed space without it being discussed so he can know 100% it’s his decision.

I feel a bit devastated that he just doesn’t “know” but he’s very practical and logical and says he wants to be more financially stable. Even though he’s a feminist he’s a bit old fashioned this way. His salary is decent but not huge for the city we’re in. He wants to move back to Ireland and live rurally but work remotely which I agreed to do. It’s not the best situation for my career but the advantages of affording a home and fresh air appeal to me. I kind of feel like I’m being as accommodating as I can to the future he wants so I don’t know what the hold up is. There’s a little voice in my head that says he just doesn’t want me long term but everything else about him doesn’t say that. He’s definitely not an Irish mammy’s boy. This man can cook and clean and does daily, I never have to worry about him pulling his weight. Frankly it was I that for years was useless around the flat (adhd) but that’s something I’ve been actively working on for years. I have a lot of coping skills now.

it doesn’t help that my family are asking questions and his family make remarks too. My mam wants me to leave him if I don’t have a proposal by the end of the year but I don’t have the heart for ultimatums and besides - that kind of pressure is the opposite of what he’s asked for.

 

[Monkeymagic85]

Spoiler: tw: cervical cancer

I’ve been fast tracked to the hospital for a cervical cancer scare. This is the third time now for me. Fortunately both times previous it’s not been that, but this time I’ve got this awful feeling in my gut. My symptoms (mainly unexplained bleeding) have been worse this time. I’m anxious and frightened, but I’ve been through this before so I know what to expect and it still doesn’t make me any less anxious. My boyfriend and I have been trying for a baby and all I keep thinking is what a failure I’ll be to him if something is wrong with me I’ve not told anyone other than my bf as I don’t wanna be a burden on anyone when everyone has their own tit going on, I’ve just told everyone I’m suffering with anxiety but I needed to vent and get it out somewhere

Firstly hugs, I hope everything is ok for you, at least you know what to expect. I know it’s easy to catastrophise things when you’re scared but try and stay positive. If the worst happens, sounds like it would have been caught early. There can be lots of reasons for unexplained bleeding.

Regarding trying for a baby, you’re not a failure if you can’t conceive naturally, you don’t get to pick your body. Modern science is wonderful, I’m sure there would be help if you need it.

Im sure your close friends would want to be there for you, it’s never a burden to help a friend in need, always nice to have support from those you care about. You’re always so lovely on here so I hope everything is ok for you.

 

[Codiaeum]

I can relate to a lot of this, similar timeline with boyfriend, renting in an expensive city and how I was thinking at 32 (35 now). I also threw myself at work to the detriment of friendships albeit my career path is a less financial advantageous one (the arts). Like you I’m also introverted. Only big difference is the kid thing, I believed I wanted kids and then as I got further into my work I worried about it but now I’m back to wanting at least one.

It’s tough the goal posts are so different when you live in a big city. Frankly I don’t know anyone who gets on the property ladder in major cities like London or Dublin without either saving for years by living at home (city born and raised) or getting a huge deposit from family back home.

I know it might sound silly but clubs are a good way to meet people if that’s something you want. For me getting a dog meant I started interacting with other dog folk in the area and made some friends that way and also via Instagram from fellow dog account people. Just meet up for a walk and a coffee and the ones I clicked with we have ended up going for meals out etc.

I actually came to this thread to vent myself as I’m waiting for my partner to propose and it was only once the pandemic happened I realised how much I wanted to take the next steps (marriage/having a baby). He and I are on the same page about wanting a child, we even started trying but after having a chemical pregnancy we decided to wait until next summer. I want to take the time to be healthier but also I want to at least be engaged. My partner said he felt I was driving this next step and eventually we decided he needed space without it being discussed so he can know 100% it’s his decision.

I feel a bit devastated that he just doesn’t “know” but he’s very practical and logical and says he wants to be more financially stable. Even though he’s a feminist he’s a bit old fashioned this way. His salary is decent but not huge for the city we’re in. He wants to move back to Ireland and live rurally but work remotely which I agreed to do. It’s not the best situation for my career but the advantages of affording a home and fresh air appeal to me. I kind of feel like I’m being as accommodating as I can to the future he wants so I don’t know what the hold up is. There’s a little voice in my head that says he just doesn’t want me long term but everything else about him doesn’t say that. He’s definitely not an Irish mammy’s boy. This man can cook and clean and does daily, I never have to worry about him pulling his weight. Frankly it was I that for years was useless around the flat (adhd) but that’s something I’ve been actively working on for years. I have a lot of coping skills now.

it doesn’t help that my family are asking questions and his family make remarks too. My mam wants me to leave him if I don’t have a proposal by the end of the year but I don’t have the heart for ultimatums and besides - that kind of pressure is the opposite of what he’s asked for.

Thank you so much for your post, you don't know how much that means to me to hear that other people share similar thoughts and have similar timelines behind them . Rationally I know that many of those milestones are just here because it's traditional and has always been done like that.I also know that in the end, marrying doesn't actually change anything for us, but there's this slight nagging from people around you about why you don't do it then, whether he actually isn't in it long haul, etc. It does make you wonder...I low-key know a girl who proposed to her husband herself after a similar timeline career story behind them (and throw in emigrating to a new country). Maybe I should put on my big-girl pants and do the same, but the fear of rejection is then still there, even though my boyfriend doesn't give me any signs that it's not permanent...

Good luck to you and trying for a little one! Personally, I'm way better at giving advice than eating it myself, but don't leave him if there's no proposal at the end of the year. You were prepared to have a baby with him before marriage, so what would change by waiting for it?
And aside from that, the Irish countryside sounds lovely, that's definitely a place where I'd like to raise a potential kid.

 

[Tove_drew]

Thank you so much for your post, you don't know how much that means to me to hear that other people share similar thoughts and have similar timelines behind them . Rationally I know that many of those milestones are just here because it's traditional and has always been done like that.I also know that in the end, marrying doesn't actually change anything for us, but there's this slight nagging from people around you about why you don't do it then, whether he actually isn't in it long haul, etc. It does make you wonder...I low-key know a girl who proposed to her husband herself after a similar timeline career story behind them (and throw in emigrating to a new country). Maybe I should put on my big-girl pants and do the same, but the fear of rejection is then still there, even though my boyfriend doesn't give me any signs that it's not permanent...

Good luck to you and trying for a little one! Personally, I'm way better at giving advice than eating it myself, but don't leave him if there's no proposal at the end of the year. You were prepared to have a baby with him before marriage, so what would change by waiting for it?
And aside from that, the Irish countryside sounds lovely, that's definitely a place where I'd like to raise a potential kid.

I was also happy to see your post with a similar timeline, I don’t know anyone else in life with it. The only other couple I know who have been together since early 20s got married around 30/31 but my friend had been pushing for engagement/wedding for years so it didn’t feel like a similar dynamic to us.

I think a lot of people aren’t together for as long by the time they’re in their 30s so I feel like I get a lot of reactions from people I know and strangers being nosey. You can probably relate to that too!! I don’t know what it is but in the last two years people I meet always assume we’re married and I have to correct them if I know I’ll meet them again that he’s my BF not my husband.
Do you think you’ll stay in your city long term?

 

[Codiaeum]

I was also happy to see your post with a similar timeline, I don’t know anyone else in life with it. The only other couple I know got married around 30/31 but my friend had been pushing for engagement/wedding for years so it didn’t feel like a similar dynamic. I think a lot of people aren’t together for as long by the time they’re in their 30s so I feel like I get a lot of reactions from people I know and strangers being nosey. You can probably relate to that too!!
Do you think you’ll stay in your city long term?

Oh yeah, I can totally relate to the nosey questions of why there's no ring yet, no kids! It's really insensitive too, especially the kid question and I always feel horrible for those that would love to have a child and it hasn't happened for them yet. Many other people I know aren't together anywhere as long as we have been and then things seem to happen quite quickly for them, I think that throws me off.

I think we'll stay in this city, even though it's about 120 km from our home town and where our parents are. It is a nice city, I like living here and overall for sure nicer than where I'm from. On the other hand, I would like to be nearer my parents and sister and it would be a lot cheaper there, too. We could, in theory, just move back, as with my new job, it doesn't matter anymore to be here, I'll be 100% remote, but I don't see it happening, this city has too many other benefits and one of them is really good connections to France and the UK by train, which is nice for my new job, I'll be going to the UK semi-regularly.

 

[Tove_drew]

Oh yeah, I can totally relate to the nosey questions of why there's no ring yet, no kids! It's really insensitive too, especially the kid question and I always feel horrible for those that would love to have a child and it hasn't happened for them yet. Many other people I know aren't together anywhere as long as we have been and then things seem to happen quite quickly for them, I think that throws me off.

I think we'll stay in this city, even though it's about 120 km from our home town and where our parents are. It is a nice city, I like living here and overall for sure nicer than where I'm from. On the other hand, I would like to be nearer my parents and sister and it would be a lot cheaper there, too. We could, in theory, just move back, as with my new job, it doesn't matter anymore to be here, I'll be 100% remote, but I don't see it happening, this city has too many other benefits and one of them is really good connections to France and the UK by train, which is nice for my new job, I'll be going to the UK semi-regularly.

Yeah I’ve taken to calling it getting “lapped” but I have to remember it’s not a race. I do think part of it was my own doing as I wasn’t interested in these things yet, was just happy to slowly grow up and didn’t want the responsibility. I hate to generalise but I think heterosexual men just aren’t as affected by these things (marriage and kids) whereas as women we know how much these things can change us.

I actually wouldn’t have minded the kids before marriage way of doing things but now I know he needs time to decide whether to propose, I don’t want to be tied to him for 18 years if his decision is he doesn’t want to get married.


If you ever have to travel through London let me know, I’ll give you tips on where to stay/ nice places to eat!

 

[watermelon sugar]

I feel so sad all the time. I

Spoiler: tw: cervical cancer

I’ve been fast tracked to the hospital for a cervical cancer scare. This is the third time now for me. Fortunately both times previous it’s not been that, but this time I’ve got this awful feeling in my gut. My symptoms (mainly unexplained bleeding) have been worse this time. I’m anxious and frightened, but I’ve been through this before so I know what to expect and it still doesn’t make me any less anxious. My boyfriend and I have been trying for a baby and all I keep thinking is what a failure I’ll be to him if something is wrong with me I’ve not told anyone other than my bf as I don’t wanna be a burden on anyone when everyone has their own tit going on, I’ve just told everyone I’m suffering with anxiety but I needed to vent and get it out somewhere

You could never be a failure to your partner, that may not be the case, not everyone’s bodies are the same and if it doesn’t happen naturally for you that doesn’t mean something else may happen. But your partner loves you and you’d never be a failure in his eyes

you’d never be a burden to your friends cos they care about you and would never want to know you’re going through a rough time! Everyone has struggles and difficulties but friends are there for each other through thick and thin and would never want to let their friend go through something just cos they are as well.

hospital appointments are daunting as it is and your mind can go into overdrive with worry but dont let your anxiety eat away at you, talk to people, more people understand than you think 🤍

sorry this advice was rubbish I just didn’t want to read and run!! Just know you’re not alone 🤍

 

[Maid22]

Just been out for a pint, saw someone I haven't seen for years, apparently my old man is really poorly (which I don't give a tit about) I'll be cheering when he dies! But he was 'nice' about my brother, that's one person who I hate soo much, he's a nasty narcissistic twit.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

I feel so sad all the time.

This looks like it might have part of a post that you didn't publish in the end but I just wanted to acknowledge it. I know from other threads that you've had something sad happen recently. Just wanted to send a bit of internet love 🤍.

 

[watermelon sugar]

This looks like it might have part of a post that you didn't publish in the end but I just wanted to acknowledge it. I know from other threads that you've had something sad happen recently. Just wanted to send a bit of internet love 🤍.

i didn’t mean to post it but thank you so much 🤍

 

[Gidget00_]

@WilmaHun @watermelon sugar
Wish I could give you both a big hug. Thinking of you both