I've also chucked a tenner to my local food bank
Slopalong: Cooking with Jack Monroe
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There's a lingering honk of fish in my house. Not impressed.
Also just to add, now it may be apropos of nothing, and I'm not normally one to toss my bowels into conversation, but I've just had a massive tit. Makes you think (and poo)...
Also just to add, now it may be apropos of nothing, and I'm not normally one to toss my bowels into conversation, but I've just had a massive tit. Makes you think (and poo)...
Eggy cup or how to make yourself look like a twit that can't boil an egg
Recipe:
Ingredients, only thing I had to buy was the eggs £2.00/6 (medium), presented in a cardboard box I borrowed from Jack (she's downsizing).
As I mentioned earlier Tesco had none of the cheap eggs (not that I would choose to buy them anyway) and there was a ticket saying they wouldn't be back in stock until the 11th.
Brought a pan to a boil and popped 4 eggs in, all completely submerged, all good so far.
Timer set on phone (per recipe) for 3 minutes 50 seconds exactly and heat reduced to simmer.
I prepared a large pyrex jug with water as cold as I could muster, I also had plenty of ice cubes so added several fistfuls.
3 minutes 50 seconds on the dot the eggs were swiftly transferred to the ice bath.
They were left in there for half a minute (phone timer again) and then I removed them ready for peeling one by one.
At this point my slop sense started tingling, the eggs were stone cold so I decided to crack one in half just to see.
Whites nowhere near set so not achieved a soft boil, smelled like raw eggs, checked another and that was the same. I took a video so if I can figure out how to upload that I will.
3m50s simmering then into an ice bath to "halt the cooking process" wasn't long enough for these eggs, despite them being medium size (definitely not large) and Jack mithering over 10 seconds between medium and large in the recipe (3m50s vs 4m). This makes you think the timing is absolutely critical when in reality anything from a good soft boil to pretty hard boiled would serve the purpose, they're getting smushed up after all.
At this point I was fewmin because I had four eggs that were undercooked, two broken open so game over for them and two more I'd be returning to the pan after going stone cold, which didn't seem like a good idea.
If I put them in the mug and smushed them up with the other ingredients it wouldn't have been a hot buttery mess (how is that possible with stone cold eggs?) it would've been a mug full of disgusting runny snotty uncooked eggs.
Followed to the word and second this recipe scores 1 - Dire
I started over with the last 2 eggs and this time boiled them for 5 minutes, left in the ice bath for 10 seconds (so they wouldn't go stone cold but still easy to handle), shelled and into the mug. This time I cracked one open to double check and was met with a perfect set white with runny yolk so I quickly added the butter, salt and pepper and mushed them up, this was the result, actually hot and delicious. At this point I realised not only would Jack's version be cold but the (tablespoon of!) butter wouldn't melt, so that's gross.
Properly cooked this would have got a 3 - Middle class
Unfortunately 2 boiled eggs is next to nothing for me so I was left wanting. Jack says 3-4 eggs "stands up as a decent meal" but at say 200-300 calories or so no it doesn't. Overall I would make this again to my own timings but I'd need 6 eggs for it to be a worthwhile endeavour. Just eating eggs on their own is going to be quite expensive compared to having an actual meal with toast or whatever, so not ideal as a budget option.
Recipe:
Jack Monroe #423 The only TV show Jack Monroe needs to be on is Crimewatch
So let me get this straight. Her epic lemon curd and mixed berry porridge is: Oatmeal (or other hot cereal grain or mix) with some lemon curd swirled in, plopped hot on frozen berries. That's the bleeping genius of food that everyone is yarping about? No one could think of hot cereal + frozen...
tattle.life
Ingredients, only thing I had to buy was the eggs £2.00/6 (medium), presented in a cardboard box I borrowed from Jack (she's downsizing).
As I mentioned earlier Tesco had none of the cheap eggs (not that I would choose to buy them anyway) and there was a ticket saying they wouldn't be back in stock until the 11th.
Brought a pan to a boil and popped 4 eggs in, all completely submerged, all good so far.
Timer set on phone (per recipe) for 3 minutes 50 seconds exactly and heat reduced to simmer.
I prepared a large pyrex jug with water as cold as I could muster, I also had plenty of ice cubes so added several fistfuls.
3 minutes 50 seconds on the dot the eggs were swiftly transferred to the ice bath.
They were left in there for half a minute (phone timer again) and then I removed them ready for peeling one by one.
At this point my slop sense started tingling, the eggs were stone cold so I decided to crack one in half just to see.
Whites nowhere near set so not achieved a soft boil, smelled like raw eggs, checked another and that was the same. I took a video so if I can figure out how to upload that I will.
3m50s simmering then into an ice bath to "halt the cooking process" wasn't long enough for these eggs, despite them being medium size (definitely not large) and Jack mithering over 10 seconds between medium and large in the recipe (3m50s vs 4m). This makes you think the timing is absolutely critical when in reality anything from a good soft boil to pretty hard boiled would serve the purpose, they're getting smushed up after all.
At this point I was fewmin because I had four eggs that were undercooked, two broken open so game over for them and two more I'd be returning to the pan after going stone cold, which didn't seem like a good idea.
If I put them in the mug and smushed them up with the other ingredients it wouldn't have been a hot buttery mess (how is that possible with stone cold eggs?) it would've been a mug full of disgusting runny snotty uncooked eggs.
Followed to the word and second this recipe scores 1 - Dire
I started over with the last 2 eggs and this time boiled them for 5 minutes, left in the ice bath for 10 seconds (so they wouldn't go stone cold but still easy to handle), shelled and into the mug. This time I cracked one open to double check and was met with a perfect set white with runny yolk so I quickly added the butter, salt and pepper and mushed them up, this was the result, actually hot and delicious. At this point I realised not only would Jack's version be cold but the (tablespoon of!) butter wouldn't melt, so that's gross.
Properly cooked this would have got a 3 - Middle class
Unfortunately 2 boiled eggs is next to nothing for me so I was left wanting. Jack says 3-4 eggs "stands up as a decent meal" but at say 200-300 calories or so no it doesn't. Overall I would make this again to my own timings but I'd need 6 eggs for it to be a worthwhile endeavour. Just eating eggs on their own is going to be quite expensive compared to having an actual meal with toast or whatever, so not ideal as a budget option.
So, although edible, not something you'd say - oh I must make these again! then.Slopalong with Madonna_Claws presents: Tinned Potato Fishcakes
Ingredients (parsley in fridge)
View attachment 1709353
Had to buy the sardines, parsley and flour. I needed the flour anyway so wasn't bought especially.
Drained and rinsed tinned spuds were cooked for 10 minutes, as per Jack's carefully, forensically tested/one and done (take your pick) method.
As I wanted to try both suggestions - with paprika and with tomato puree - I separated the potatoes equally into separate bowls. The sardine oil was mixed into the potatoes first, giving them a slimy, oily hue, then the rest. There was no way in hell I was just chucking the sardines in bones and all so I flaked them with my fingers and discarded the main bone thing in them.
Left: paprika Right: tomato puree. Photo taken before gently beating the flour in. The mixture was stiff ish - it would hold together well enough, but was tacky and slimy, probably due to the sardine oil. However, I didn't feel it warranted any more flour as it held on a spoon when upside down.
View attachment 1709365
Now the cooking! As I don't have a cooker or oven I fried them. Unless you were doing an absolute tit ton of them, who puts the oven on for sodding fishcakes anyway?
Paprika fishcakes first
View attachment 1709376
Finished!
View attachment 1709397
Frauen, they were... distinctly average, but edible. Kudos to Jack, the paprika gave the fishcakes a nice kick and much-needed flavour. Comparing my photo with the one in the recipe I suspect I also mashed my spuds more than Jack, but who wants lumpy fishcakes (unless the lumps are fish?) Texture wise they were sloppy in the middle rather than fluffy and light. This may be due to them not being oven cooked but I doubt it - the mixture is too heavy for fluffiness.
Now for the tomato puree fishcakes.
View attachment 1709408
(One for the HMHB frauen und herren there)
View attachment 1709416
The tomato puree fishcakes were pretty tasteless. No hint of tomato whatever, not even a tanginess or sharpness. Texture etc was exactly the same as the paprika ones, to be expected.
Now for one of each using the George Foreman grill. This is how I would cook normal, sane, shop-bought fishcakes.
View attachment 1709424
As you can see, because the mixture isn't completely solid, but just right to shape and doesn't fall off an upside down spoon as per Jack's instructions, the mixture as spread a bit. Not really an issue to be fair. There was a fair bit of fat that came out of them which I presume was the sardine oil mainly.
Reader, they were...
View attachment 1709435
... a bit tit. Nicely grilled on the outside, hot but sloppy on the inside. Again, edible but meh.
Verdict: they pretty much turned out how I expected they would, and not dissimilar to my own homemade fishcakes (though I tend to tip the lot into one big frying pan and call it 'fried sardine mash'). Jack's fishcakes were edible but ultimately tasteless and slimy. A definite unsatisfying 'meh'. Adequate if I'm being generous.
Pros: Generally edible. As mentioned above, the paprika came as a nice surprise. Gave the fishcakes a very pleasant and welcome kick, and something I may incorporate into my own in the future.
Cons: couldn't taste the lemon juice or the parsley so why are they there? The consistency was sloppy (maybe add more flour?). Not sure tinned potatoes are good for such a recipe as they are heavy, waxy and filmy - instant mash would be better as long as you don't use too much water in the mixture.
My main beef however is... why sardines in oil and *then* add tomato puree? Just buy the tinned sardines in tomato in the first place! They are *far* tastier and all that tomato juice is yum and would add delicious flavour. The tomato puree fishcakes had no hint of tomato whatsoever so what.is.point? Also, I think adding the sardine oil into the mixture made it more slimy than it needed to be, plus it didn't add anything to the flavour.
Scores: 2 (I'd give it 2 1/2 if halves are allowed).
I'm off for proper food now
View attachment 1709467
@That Forensic Man i can't work out how to add my rating to the wiki. It's a one for every category. If I could is give it zero I would
Chapeau to all those being so brave and trying their slops this weekend, it has kept my spirits up that's for sure.
I have to say it is far more of an emotional rollercoaster than I thought watching this - my abs haven't had as good a workout in about 20 years laughing along but I am getting more and more furious at how terribly all these recipes have been written and people like our new frau a few pages ago who actually now have been put off cooking because they couldn't get any if this right - through no fault of their own! Absolutely horrendous! It has hurt my heart reading that.
And people wonder why THAT MAN and his recipes are popular.
I have to say it is far more of an emotional rollercoaster than I thought watching this - my abs haven't had as good a workout in about 20 years laughing along but I am getting more and more furious at how terribly all these recipes have been written and people like our new frau a few pages ago who actually now have been put off cooking because they couldn't get any if this right - through no fault of their own! Absolutely horrendous! It has hurt my heart reading that.
And people wonder why THAT MAN and his recipes are popular.
@That Forensic Man well done, and on reading Jack’s recipe I was open mouthed to see how wrong precise she was about the timings.
Ask any west of Scotland frau how they eat this and they’ll tell you the eggs should be hard boiled. I’ll take pics of mine tomorrow. Two, some Lurpak, some salt and a piece of toast. The eggs should absolutely be hot - I don’t understand why she would want undercooked freezing cold snotty eggs. Im fuming for you.
Further evidence that her recipes aren’t fit for purpose.
imagine handing this to someone as a silent I love you?
Ask any west of Scotland frau how they eat this and they’ll tell you the eggs should be hard boiled. I’ll take pics of mine tomorrow. Two, some Lurpak, some salt and a piece of toast. The eggs should absolutely be hot - I don’t understand why she would want undercooked freezing cold snotty eggs. Im fuming for you.
Further evidence that her recipes aren’t fit for purpose.
imagine handing this to someone as a silent I love you?
Oh my lovely, this is heartbreaking and the precise reason for this thread. Makes me livid she's been publishing rubbish recipe that never had a chance to work. My suggestion: anything by Delia Smith to build your confidence, every *single* recipe works first time, and have a look on YouTube for inspiration. Chef John is one of my faves.
Also if anyone wants any chicken thigh recipe you can't go wrong with anything by Diana Henry, she always has fantastic recipes and I also love her writing generally.
For any new fraus wanting to learn how to cook, someone mentioned Delia or that man as a good place to start - couldn't agree more.
For any new fraus wanting to learn how to cook, someone mentioned Delia or that man as a good place to start - couldn't agree more.
Given that she herself said that she was paid five figures by Hellman’s, we can safely assume that she pocketed over ten grand from Del Monte for that nightmarish chicken and pineapple dish (plus the peach brick and whatever monstrosity she made with prunes).
That looks so unappealing... Well done you for trying to eat it! If the sequence had been pineapple with chicken on top the right way up, maybe it could have turned nicer. Maybe.
That egg snot made me boak.
I wonder if we should add an extra rating just in case -
1- Dire
2 - Terrible
3 - Middle class
4 - Inhale greedily
5 - Ovary groaner
6 - Stolen
I wonder if we should add an extra rating just in case -
1- Dire
2 - Terrible
3 - Middle class
4 - Inhale greedily
5 - Ovary groaner
6 - Stolen
Catching up here (intermittent fasting, thanks to everyone for keeping me on the straight and narrow - I have no appetite whatsoever after all this!).
So many of these slops would make a great guessing game, in particular @Walkdengirl's cake batter which would be quite at home on the counter of a hipster clean eating smoothie bar.
Well done to all who have cooked so far!
So many of these slops would make a great guessing game, in particular @Walkdengirl's cake batter which would be quite at home on the counter of a hipster clean eating smoothie bar.
Well done to all who have cooked so far!
Oh my Christ, it’s the horse spunk in disguise
Someone once told me they werw in fact hen periods. So perhaps they werent wrong.Oh my Christ, it’s the horse spunk in disguise
Following your sterling examples, ninnies.
Good idea perhaps S - Stolen, don't want to give Jack the credit of a 6 if it ain't hers!
@binkbonk what's your rating for the Sweet n' sour pickin balls?
and @ContentCrunch for the Breakfast sardines, egg & spinach?
Watching I’m a Celeb has got me thinking… this slop along is turning out to be worse than any eating trial z-listers have had to do in the history of the show.
Can we declare ‘I’m a S(e)LOPrity get me out of here’ if needed?
Send 5-meals-for-camp and ostrich eggos xx
Can we declare ‘I’m a S(e)LOPrity get me out of here’ if needed?
Send 5-meals-for-camp and ostrich eggos xx
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