Slopalong: Cooking with Jack Monroe

[ChickenPorridge]

Watching I’m a Celeb has got me thinking… this slop along is turning out to be worse than any eating trial z-listers have had to do in the history of the show.

Can we declare ‘I’m a s(e)lop-rity get me out of here’ if needed?

Send 5-meals-for-camp and ostrich eggos xx

THREAD TITLE

 

[Hollaaa]

Watching I’m a Celeb has got me thinking… this slop along is turning out to be worse than any eating trial z-listers have had to do in the history of the show.

Can we declare ‘I’m a S(e)LOPrity get me out of here’ if needed?

Send 5-meals-for-camp and ostrich eggos xx

I'm watching The Handmaid's Tale. A dystopian future seems very on-brand for this thread.

 

[dickanddom]

View attachment 1710096

 

[Tabitha D]

Yes! Blitz your shrooms, but then do as Ottolenghi (Helloed Be His Name) does for his spicy mushroom lasagne and bake them off near the top of a really hot oven. Oh my

Ottolenghi’s Mushroom Traybake Ragu is also amazing. I would highly recommend.

 

[SmolWarrior]

@That Forensic Man I am aghast - I honestly thought you picked one of her easiest, foolproof recipes, and even that turned out tit!

I have loved the flurry of slop today. Well done tender ninnies. I’ll be making mine sometime the week after next - I reckon we have plenty more slop to last till Christmas. A Slopvent calendar if you will. Go well, pals X

 

[NellieBoo]

Added for you tender one x
Here's the eggs. WARNED.

View media item 3361

Oooh lovely. Snotty eggs. Just what you want to choke down of a morning. There's the option to cast that clip to my TV but phone sized is quite enough thankyou.

I'm very much looking forward to seeing proper egg in a cup. I love mashed hard boiled eggs on buttered toast. Hot buttery seasoned eggs and toast sounds delicious.

 

[HotesTilaire]

Here's where I got to with the pineapple upside down chicken before I went out and ate professionally-cooked chicken earlier.

Basically anything that isn't pineapple or chicken goes in the blender, then you chuck the resulting 'paste' over the chicken and leave it for a bit.

Spoiler: Annotated instructions and comments

View attachment 1709103You can't get it that smooth. It doesn't matter if your onion and garlic is finely minced or liquidised, the flavours have released, job done.I chose not to use a plastic bag, I thought of the environment and used a perfectly good container that I already have. And a spoon. I'm not convinced of this lemon starts to cook things after 24 hours claim. Im sure it's less than that and given previous claims about bromelain in tinned pineapple, Jack has proven herself to be far from credible in this arena.
Also I can't resist correcting the spelling on marinated because I am a petty linguist b.

Spoiler: Graphic images of bubbling slop

View attachment 1709118This is all the ingredients gently, painstakingly measured into the micro? macro? blender.
View attachment 1709121This is my attempt at a smooth paste. I'm not made of money, it had a good 90 seconds. That'll do.
View attachment 1709125This is what it looked like 20 seconds later when I remembered to add the pineapple juice from the can. Some sort of reaction is happening because it started to bubble.
View attachment 1709133
And here it is in the LeCreuset atop 4 (not 8) chicken thighs. The chicken came in a pack of 6, and I wasn't buying 2 packs. There are 2 each for me and my Old Harold, and 2 for my SG which will be seasoned with salt, pepper and rosemary (which I went with as my herb of choice for purposes of the recipe), to be on the safe side. No need to call the CPS, concerned fraus.

I'm not sure if the marinade was emitting some kind of gas or my phone de-focused itself as a protective measure but I stuck a lid on it, threw it in the fridge and drove for an hour until I was far enough away from it to feel safe again.

Current transmission ends.
More later.

Did you “shake generously” dear heart?

 

[L3moning]

Slopalong with Madonna_Claws presents: Tinned Potato Fishcakes

Ingredients (parsley in fridge)
View attachment 1709353
Had to buy the sardines, parsley and flour. I needed the flour anyway so wasn't bought especially.

Drained and rinsed tinned spuds were cooked for 10 minutes, as per Jack's carefully, forensically tested/one and done (take your pick) method.

As I wanted to try both suggestions - with paprika and with tomato puree - I separated the potatoes equally into separate bowls. The sardine oil was mixed into the potatoes first, giving them a slimy, oily hue, then the rest. There was no way in hell I was just chucking the sardines in bones and all so I flaked them with my fingers and discarded the main bone thing in them.

Left: paprika Right: tomato puree. Photo taken before gently beating the flour in. The mixture was stiff ish - it would hold together well enough, but was tacky and slimy, probably due to the sardine oil. However, I didn't feel it warranted any more flour as it held on a spoon when upside down.
View attachment 1709365

Now the cooking! As I don't have a cooker or oven I fried them. Unless you were doing an absolute tit ton of them, who puts the oven on for sodding fishcakes anyway?

Paprika fishcakes first
View attachment 1709376

Finished!
View attachment 1709397

Frauen, they were... distinctly average, but edible. Kudos to Jack, the paprika gave the fishcakes a nice kick and much-needed flavour. Comparing my photo with the one in the recipe I suspect I also mashed my spuds more than Jack, but who wants lumpy fishcakes (unless the lumps are fish?) Texture wise they were sloppy in the middle rather than fluffy and light. This may be due to them not being oven cooked but I doubt it - the mixture is too heavy for fluffiness.

Now for the tomato puree fishcakes.
View attachment 1709408
(One for the HMHB frauen und herren there )

View attachment 1709416
The tomato puree fishcakes were pretty tasteless. No hint of tomato whatever, not even a tanginess or sharpness. Texture etc was exactly the same as the paprika ones, to be expected.

Now for one of each using the George Foreman grill. This is how I would cook normal, sane, shop-bought fishcakes.
View attachment 1709424

As you can see, because the mixture isn't completely solid, but just right to shape and doesn't fall off an upside down spoon as per Jack's instructions, the mixture as spread a bit. Not really an issue to be fair. There was a fair bit of fat that came out of them which I presume was the sardine oil mainly.

Reader, they were...
View attachment 1709435
... a bit tit. Nicely grilled on the outside, hot but sloppy on the inside. Again, edible but meh.

Verdict: they pretty much turned out how I expected they would, and not dissimilar to my own homemade fishcakes (though I tend to tip the lot into one big frying pan and call it 'fried sardine mash'). Jack's fishcakes were edible but ultimately tasteless and slimy. A definite unsatisfying 'meh'. Adequate if I'm being generous.

Pros: Generally edible. As mentioned above, the paprika came as a nice surprise. Gave the fishcakes a very pleasant and welcome kick, and something I may incorporate into my own in the future.

Cons: couldn't taste the lemon juice or the parsley so why are they there? The consistency was sloppy (maybe add more flour?). Not sure tinned potatoes are good for such a recipe as they are heavy, waxy and filmy - instant mash would be better as long as you don't use too much water in the mixture.

My main beef however is... why sardines in oil and *then* add tomato puree? Just buy the tinned sardines in tomato in the first place! They are *far* tastier and all that tomato juice is yum and would add delicious flavour. The tomato puree fishcakes had no hint of tomato whatsoever so what.is.point? Also, I think adding the sardine oil into the mixture made it more slimy than it needed to be, plus it didn't add anything to the flavour.

Scores: 2 (I'd give it 2 1/2 if halves are allowed).

I'm off for proper food now
View attachment 1709467

Love the "tit arm, bad tattoo" reference.

 

[Tabitha D]

Slopalong with Madonna_Claws presents: Tinned Potato Fishcakes

Ingredients (parsley in fridge)
View attachment 1709353
Had to buy the sardines, parsley and flour. I needed the flour anyway so wasn't bought especially.

Drained and rinsed tinned spuds were cooked for 10 minutes, as per Jack's carefully, forensically tested/one and done (take your pick) method.

As I wanted to try both suggestions - with paprika and with tomato puree - I separated the potatoes equally into separate bowls. The sardine oil was mixed into the potatoes first, giving them a slimy, oily hue, then the rest. There was no way in hell I was just chucking the sardines in bones and all so I flaked them with my fingers and discarded the main bone thing in them.

Left: paprika Right: tomato puree. Photo taken before gently beating the flour in. The mixture was stiff ish - it would hold together well enough, but was tacky and slimy, probably due to the sardine oil. However, I didn't feel it warranted any more flour as it held on a spoon when upside down.
View attachment 1709365

Now the cooking! As I don't have a cooker or oven I fried them. Unless you were doing an absolute tit ton of them, who puts the oven on for sodding fishcakes anyway?

Paprika fishcakes first
View attachment 1709376

Finished!
View attachment 1709397

Frauen, they were... distinctly average, but edible. Kudos to Jack, the paprika gave the fishcakes a nice kick and much-needed flavour. Comparing my photo with the one in the recipe I suspect I also mashed my spuds more than Jack, but who wants lumpy fishcakes (unless the lumps are fish?) Texture wise they were sloppy in the middle rather than fluffy and light. This may be due to them not being oven cooked but I doubt it - the mixture is too heavy for fluffiness.

Now for the tomato puree fishcakes.
View attachment 1709408
(One for the HMHB frauen und herren there )

View attachment 1709416
The tomato puree fishcakes were pretty tasteless. No hint of tomato whatever, not even a tanginess or sharpness. Texture etc was exactly the same as the paprika ones, to be expected.

Now for one of each using the George Foreman grill. This is how I would cook normal, sane, shop-bought fishcakes.
View attachment 1709424

As you can see, because the mixture isn't completely solid, but just right to shape and doesn't fall off an upside down spoon as per Jack's instructions, the mixture as spread a bit. Not really an issue to be fair. There was a fair bit of fat that came out of them which I presume was the sardine oil mainly.

Reader, they were...
View attachment 1709435
... a bit tit. Nicely grilled on the outside, hot but sloppy on the inside. Again, edible but meh.

Verdict: they pretty much turned out how I expected they would, and not dissimilar to my own homemade fishcakes (though I tend to tip the lot into one big frying pan and call it 'fried sardine mash'). Jack's fishcakes were edible but ultimately tasteless and slimy. A definite unsatisfying 'meh'. Adequate if I'm being generous.

Pros: Generally edible. As mentioned above, the paprika came as a nice surprise. Gave the fishcakes a very pleasant and welcome kick, and something I may incorporate into my own in the future.

Cons: couldn't taste the lemon juice or the parsley so why are they there? The consistency was sloppy (maybe add more flour?). Not sure tinned potatoes are good for such a recipe as they are heavy, waxy and filmy - instant mash would be better as long as you don't use too much water in the mixture.

My main beef however is... why sardines in oil and *then* add tomato puree? Just buy the tinned sardines in tomato in the first place! They are *far* tastier and all that tomato juice is yum and would add delicious flavour. The tomato puree fishcakes had no hint of tomato whatsoever so what.is.point? Also, I think adding the sardine oil into the mixture made it more slimy than it needed to be, plus it didn't add anything to the flavour.

Scores: 2 (I'd give it 2 1/2 if halves are allowed).

I'm off for proper food now
View attachment 1709467

OMG your photos! I couldn’t stop laughing. This thread is way better than anything on the telly.

 

[NellieBoo]

Incidentally if getting eggs just so is your nemesis then Queen Delia's guide 'How To Boil An Egg' is fool proof.

 

[L3moning]

Please don’t put pork in a manger. It’s offensive to SEVERAL religions.

Are we doing thread title suggestions for his, because if so this is amazing.

 

[Hollaaa]

Did you “shake generously” dear heart?

It's this or the lack of cloves that fucked it, I reckon.

 

[KimByYa]

Following the stellar example of many of you wonderful ninnies, I’ve made a donation to my local foodbank.

(Edited to remove )

 

[Smol Pixel]

I admit I started off owl champagning all over the shop at this thread but now I’m feeling a little depressed by how terrible every recipe actually is. Thank god for all you wonderful frauen und herren posting your donations because there needs to be something positive to come out of this vile slopfest.

 

[mince]

Ottolenghi’s Mushroom Traybake Ragu is also amazing. I would highly recommend.

That’s in the same book, Flavour, isn’t it? It looks delicious; I’ll try it from your rec. Also from Flavour, the aubergine dumplings are incredible, and use a similar baking method with chunks of aubergine as the lasagne does with mushrooms, which is a good go to as a do-something-with-aubergines-for-later-while-the-oven’s-on thing. (One daft thing about the aubergine recipe is it calls for 1 1/2 tins of tomatoes for the sauce. Let me tell you I’ve used two tins both times I’ve cooked it and I’m still here.)

Thank you so much for this thread, talented Fraus. Weirdly, it’s turning out to be somewhere to learn about good cooking.

(Not you, Jack.)

 

[Hold my beans]

She needs reporting to Trading Standards.

 

[IcanSpellBéchamel]

There are no non-church/non-Trussell Trust food banks around here but the local community church runs a no-questions-asked food bank.

I don’t pay currently pay tax, so no gift aid.

 

[HotesTilaire]

Can I just give a big chapeau to all the frauen chopping lines of dry ingredients?

Truly


And I am also angry at wasting all that food. It’s really upset me. But while the slopathon started as a joke, I think it’s done a blinding job of exposing what an utter charlatan she is. And how she’s been enabled by the media - not least the bloody BBC - to profit from their endorsement.

I can’t bear the idea of people who don’t know how to cook wasting food and losing confidence in their cooking. We know there are some very vulnerable people who follow her, not just the do good mc people who buy her books and clearly have never even cracked their spines. It‘s horrible to think of people spending limited budgets to make food that is tasteless, badly made and nutritionally poor.

Her enablers should be bloody ashamed of themselves. And I include Nigella in that.

It’s very true - part of the attraction for me was due to low energy. I wasnt broke, but we all like to save a bit. Plus with her “recipes” being pared back and eliminating unnecessary faff (such as cooking out the flour in a roux) they seemed ideal for me.
I was making my own veg lasagne when her “bung it all in” method ruined my white sauce and I was too tired to finish the lasagne.

 

[binkbonk]

Good idea perhaps S - Stolen, don't want to give Jack the credit of a 6 if it ain't hers!

@binkbonk what's your rating for the Sweet n' sour pickin balls?
and @ContentCrunch for the Breakfast sardines, egg & spinach?

I recorded the whole cooking process and have been editing the video together but I'm BUSY so will write up a review during my commute tomorrow x

 

[Lurkeryaar]

Morning all, thanks to @That Forensic Man for adding to the wiki


This was possibly published during the Allegra years so Leggy possibly had some input into its development, however by the picture that accompanies it, is not really fair to people dealing with cancer as they have enough to deal with, without looking at the bowl of red slop with some green peas.

Grunking from the past to say that this picture actually reminds me of one of the side effects of my cancer treatment there is no bloody way (pun intended) I would have eaten that on even my most desperate days.