Slopalong: Cooking with Jack Monroe

[The carlin]

Was looking into veggie recipes/beetato again and found @AndrewsDaddy noticed this is a fuel-heavy recipe, a single beetroot in the oven for 1hr 15mins, what the hell man. But it's ok I have a thrifty tip, save money on your gas bill by cooking individual beetroots at your girlfriend's house

Jack Monroe #384 You're churning out rinsed hoops and boiled slop, not storming the Bastille

Apologies if someone has already said this:. The postcards were a sudden spur of the moment invention called "thrifty shades of beige". Postcards celebrating beige food. She announced it with much rattling and fanfare. People signed up Then it was never mentioned again

tattle.life

Roasted/oven baked beetroots is nothing novel or new, beetroot served with creamy/yoghurty things is nothing new. I’ve been vegetarian for 37 years and served ALL MANNER of awful tit but seeing her suggestion of putting baked beans on a roasted beetroot has made a little bit of sick enter my mouth.

Exactly. I love roast beetroot but putting the oven on for an hour and 15 mins for a single one is ridiculous (especially for a budget conscious poverty Saint like Jack ) and like @Fruitjack says roast beetroot with tzatzizi is common and seems to be a staple on hotel buffets around the med, but baked beans! LJC that's more proof she has no idea about flavours.

 

[Day3TShirt]

Beery Berry Crumble. Oh dear.

Spoiler: Spoiler 1: preparation

My first clue that this was not going to go well: the picture in the instructions showed a long rectangular baking dish, while the instructions said "a deep ovenproof baking dish around 20cm in diameter". As I had neither a rectangular or round dish, I went with a deep square dish with 20 cm sides.

My big shop consisted of a tin of Sneaky Weasel strong lager (had to sub in for porter or stout as no single tins of either were available), a bag of frozen berries, and two large apples. The recipe said "frozen or fresh berries", and as we know, all berries have the same taste and texture and are interchangeable in recipes . I went for a bag of frozen diced strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, and peaches.

Everything else in the recipe I had on hand, in my forensically organized stock cupboard (I make crisps and crumbles quite often). Cost of the shop was £1.89 for the beer, £5.86 for the frozen fruit, and £1 for the apples.

The biggest excitement of my shop was that when I arrived at the supermarket, there were three police cars outside and a bunch of policemen were arresting a shoplifter. Then when I was leaving, the same policemen were there, arresting a different shoplifter. Given the geographic distance I doubt this was the Essex Celebrity Squad, but you never know.

View attachment 1708260

Spoiler: Spoiler 2: the filling

Nowhere in the recipe does it say to defrost the berries, if you are using frozen berries. I left the bag on the counter for an hour.

The first step is to chop the apples, dump them in a saucepan, add the berries and a tablespoon of sugar, and top it with the beer. This produces a nasty-looking mess that smells absolutely vile. The recipe neglects to mention the vital step of actually mixing all of this together, but I took the daring step of doing just that.
View attachment 1708261

The instructions say to bring this evil concoction to a boil, "watching carefully as beer can get a bit excitable when heated". I had zero idea of what excited beer looks like. But I can now tell you that when mixed with fruit, it produces a pink foam that looks like some kind of ladies' "personal care" product from the 1970s.

View attachment 1708262

This was then left to simmer, while I went on to the next step: the topping.

Spoiler: Spoiler 3: the topping

The topping has the standard ingredients for a crisp or crumble topping: flour, butter, sugar, and oats. The recipe doesn't specify which kinds of oats to use, which is important in this type of dish (don't ask me how I know this ). I used quick-cooking oats which is one of the kinds that will work. What rapidly became apparent, as I worked the butter into the rest of the ingredients, was that there was far too little butter to make a proper topping. The recipe says the butter should be worked into the ingredients until the mixture resembles "fine breadcrumbs". After 10 mins of mixing, it looked like......light brown flour with a few random flecks of butter.

Also, most crisps or crumbles have cinnamon or nutmeg in the topping, to punch the flavour up. But despite the 10,000-odd spice containers in Jack's spendy kitchen, there are no spices in this recipe.

I knew that more mixing was not going to improve the topping. There just wasn't enough butter in it. But I had to follow the recipe, so on to the next step.

Spoiler: Spoiler 4: into the oven

The recipe says to scoop the fruit out of the boiled beery sauce, put the fruit in the baking dish, and spread the topping on it. The fruit barely filled up one-third of the height of the "deep" baking dish. If Jack really made her recipe in the dish in the photo, there would hardly be enough fruit to cover the entire bottom. But then when I added the topping....there was too much. If I had put it all in, it would have been tumbling over the sides of the dish in the oven. So the proportion of fruit to topping is seriously out of whack.

Here's what went into the oven
View attachment 1708305
and here's what was left behind. A substantial amount of topping and a saucepan of beery fruit juice. I fished a leftover blueberry out of the saucepan, and it tasted so sour I had to wash my mouth out with some water.
I won't comment on the absurdity of "budget" cooking leaving this much unused......
View attachment 1708311

Spoiler: Spoiler 5: et voila

The instructions were to bake at 180c for 30 minutes "or until the top is golden and crisp". There was absolutely no way the topping was going to turn out "crisp" unless the kitchen caught on fire. So I gave it 35 minutes, keeping in mind that my oven tends to run a bit hot. After 35 minutes the top was somewhat browner and the fruit was bubbling, but I could still draw my finger through the topping like drawing a line in sand.

View attachment 1708323

I couldn't be arsed to get any fancy wallpaper for the beauty shot, so here's a bowl of the finished product, sitting on some old brown parcel paper that was lying around. Not a Jack-size spoon but an actual teaspoon.

View attachment 1708330

My OH and I had one spoonful each, and that was more than enough. The fruit reeked of beer, was mushy, and tasted horrid, and the topping was completely dry. I'm very grateful that my OH didn't LEAVE after this.

The final resting place of the entire sorry mess, in a composting bag. I hope the alcohol in the beer will help everything return to the earth from whence it came.

View attachment 1708338

The verdict: I can pretty much guarantee that no one tested this recipe, because the proportions of both parts are way out of whack. And I really don't want to know what was going on in Jack's head to make her think that beer and berries would taste good together, much less boiled together.

My rating: HELL NO. Vile = 1.

I would like to add that although the Slopalong is great fun, making this recipe made me really angry. A crisp or crumble is very simple to create, and it doesn't have to cost a lot. Jack is supposedly helping people with limited budgets, and this recipe was so bad that all of it ended up in the compost. Not a bit of it was salveageable or edible. If someone had spent part of their weekly shopping money on this, even when fresh fruit was in season and maybe a bit cheaper, they would have wasted every penny of that spend. Jack isn't just a pov cosplayer, she's giving vulnerable people really crappy advice and actually *costing* them money rather than saving it.

Fantastic work, brave Frau.

So much this last part too. Maybe it’s my *actual* working class background that makes me hate waste, whilst Jack has no problem with getting her quantities wrong and making food that’s only fit for the bin. Really makes you think

 

[Nonah]

Fantastic work, brave Frau.

So much this last part too. Maybe it’s my *actual* working class background that makes me hate waste, whilst Jack has no problem with getting her quantities wrong and making food that’s only fit for the bin. Really makes you think

This is why I can’t bring myself to join in. The thought of putting actual effort in to making someone inedible makes me sad.

 

[hoopdedoo]

This is why I can’t bring myself to join in. The thought of putting actual effort in to making someone inedible makes me sad.

If it discourages even one person from trying that trainwreck themselves, I'll feel that my effort was worth it. A public service, if you will.

I forgot to add to my post that because of the wasted food I'm going to follow the fine example of @dickanddom and make a £20 donation to the local food bank.

 

[Hollaaa]

Toot toot, mofos, and in the vernacular of Jack's 'home': Here We bleeping Go. I give you phase 1 of Del Monte (Tesco) Upside Down Chicken.

Spoiler: The Recipe

I was able to stay fairly loyal to the ingredients list but I draw the line at performatively buying cloves. I am not taking 1440 minutes out of my life either. What even is 1440 minutes? This is like calling a child's age (or CCJ strike-off) as 42 months. Prep time was actually 25 minutes but that includes taking photos and messaging my friend. Marinating time will be from 10am to 6pm. WARNED!

Spoiler: The ingredients

I think five spice would have been a more economical approach here if someone were buying from scratch. I also note a complete absence of salt. Here's most of them, I forgot to put sugar in the photo and did include salt until I realised it was not required.

I had to buy the chicken £3.50, high welfare, Jack would never. I also got yellow stickered garlic cloves 4 days ago because I am a) lazy and b) wanted to emulate Jack's approach to found down the back of the fridge veg, which is what happened with the onion. I had to cut the middle out of the onion because it was on the turn. Authentic. The pineapple was £1 from Tesco because I will not be complicit in human rights abuses as far as I can avoid it. I paid 55p for garlic, £1.30 each for nutmeg and white pepper, £1 for the frozen ginger and 30p for the lemon. I estimate this much to be thumb sized:

Please note my middle class Seasalt socks match my Le Creuset impeccably. While I do not have a Nutribullet, you will have noticed that there is no need to sob.

I need to pop out to meet my friend for brunch because I'm BUSY, I do actually have a friend, and I'm sure as tit having one decent meal today, but will report back on the method later this afternoon.

 

[FrumpyCat]

With the banana bread, you’d usually fold in the flour - and oil isn’t really a good alternative to butter and eggs

The quantities are way out too, compared to this beaut of a recipe https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/brilliant-banana-loaf/amp

I’m not sure why any of this surprises me, but it still has that ability amazingly.

Loving everyone’s work

Jack's original vegan banana bread was 'based' (blatantly copied, with very minor tweaks) on the one in the BBC Good food guide which uses oil, so it works.

This bizarre berry thing adds unneeded water and takes out the spices, so it doesn't.

Jack's recipes. Good and original, but never at the same time.

 

[BlendedSlop]

It’s probably a bit gauche to quote one’s own post but I decided to rescue the Sports Direct mug this morning after it had spent a night in the fridge. As the canal can see in the photo, I hadn’t fully mixed in the Marmite or the cheese. I often heat leftovers up from the day before - I’m sorry, I just can’t.

It looks like a chemistry experiment in a petri dish.

ETA correct spelling of petri, it’s been decades

View attachment 1708321

LJC. I'm actually crying with laughter

 

[Katkat]

So here we have the pbj thumbprint cookies. So few ingredients that she/I can’t cock it up. Unlike Jack, my child was allowed into the kitchen to help, which is why I picked something simple.
I had everything (gf flour is expensive and never in stock so not costing it) apart from peanut butter £1.35 a jar.

These pretty much worked but had little taste, without the jam they would be so bland. I’ll be generous and give her 3/5. My child wouldn’t touch them and Mr Katkat went back to his chocolate digestives. I may put them on the bird feeder so as not to waste them.

Boring and pointless, much like our Jack. Chapeau fellow slopmakers!

 

[Nonah]

It’s probably a bit gauche to quote one’s own post but I decided to rescue the Sports Direct mug this morning after it had spent a night in the fridge. As the canal can see in the photo, I hadn’t fully mixed in the Marmite or the cheese. I often heat leftovers up from the day before - I’m sorry, I just can’t.

It looks like a chemistry experiment in a petri dish.

ETA correct spelling of petri, it’s been decades

View attachment 1708321

Nigella has a marmite pasta cheese recipe and it’s amazing. How can something so simple be made so complicted?

Also your cup bottom pasta looks like Cthulhu.

 

[ContentCrunch]

Slop on folks.
My cats really like sardines and scrambled egg, so I’m hoping they like exploded egg and sardines and spinach because I sure as tit won’t be eating it. I’ve studied the recipe all morning I’m still unsure what bits go in the microwave and which bits don’t stay tuned…

 

[IcanSpellBéchamel]

I can’t see Red Wine and Mushroom Risotto on there, so I will choose that, as all rice interchangeable and OH is a bit of a risotto fan. Will use this recipe

Jack Monroe’s red wine and mushroom risotto is the perfect dinner time recipe

Rich, filling and using mainly store cupboard ingredients

www.redonline.co.uk

I will donate the cost of the ingredients to my local food bank too. I will also cost the recipes. I would edit the spreadsheet but I can’t see how to. Sorry.
Edited to add its from A Hirl Called Jack

I’ve just re-read this recipe and noticed it uses 140g of rice to make 6 (six) portions. The Brie & bacon risotto recipe that I made uses 180g of rice for 2 (two) portions! Make this make sense, somebody.

 

[Nonah]

I can’t see Red Wine and Mushroom Risotto on there, so I will choose that, as all rice interchangeable and OH is a bit of a risotto fan. Will use this recipe

Jack Monroe’s red wine and mushroom risotto is the perfect dinner time recipe

Rich, filling and using mainly store cupboard ingredients

www.redonline.co.uk

I will donate the cost of the ingredients to my local food bank too. I will also cost the recipes. I would edit the spreadsheet but I can’t see how to. Sorry.
Edited to add its from A Hirl Called Jack

I’ve made this a few times and it’s ok! I can’t remember if I had to make common sense adjustments to the recipe though.

 

[FrumpyCat]

I’ve just re-read this recipe and noticed it uses 140g of rice to make 6 (six) portions. The Brie & bacon risotto recipe that I made uses 180g of rice for 2 (two) portions! Make this make sense, somebody.

Although you need to bear in mind most of the six people will be miraculously full and ' couldn't eat another thing' after the first spoonful.

 

[People-huv-tae-know]

Could you store it under your bed to use as self defence if burglar Bill comes calling? THEN you could fry it. It would be like that lamb leg episode of Tales Of The Unexpected.

Unfortunately it does not have a brick like consistency. Overnight it has not changed. Deceptive crust, raw slop inside. Everyone is giving it a wide berth and shooting suspicious glances in it's direction. On this occasion nobody declared it the best ever and no one applauded.
I still can't believe how different it looks to Jack's photo. Did she use a different recipe, plagerise a photo or photograph someone else's cake to pass off as her own?

ETA
I've just done a reverse image search but nothing doing. Given the prescence of Terrys in the background and the grimy af cooling rack, I have to concede this is Jack's set up and cake.

 

[Day3TShirt]

Toot toot, mofos, and in the vernacular of Jack's 'home': Here We bleeping Go. I give you phase 1 of Del Monte (Tesco) Upside Down Chicken.

Spoiler: The Recipe

View attachment 1708447
I was able to stay fairly loyal to the ingredients list but I draw the line at performatively buying cloves. I am not taking 1440 minutes out of my life either. What even is 1440 minutes? This is like calling a child's age (or CCJ strike-off) as 42 months. Prep time was actually 25 minutes but that includes taking photos and messaging my friend. Marinating time will be from 10am to 6pm. WARNED!

Spoiler: The ingredients

I think five spice would have been a more economical approach here if someone were buying from scratch. I also note a complete absence of salt. Here's most of them, I forgot to put sugar in the photo and did include salt until I realised it was not required.
View attachment 1708468I had to buy the chicken £3.50, high welfare, Jack would never. I also got yellow stickered garlic cloves 4 days ago because I am a) lazy and b) wanted to emulate Jack's approach to found down the back of the fridge veg, which is what happened with the onion. I had to cut the middle out of the onion because it was on the turn. Authentic. The pineapple was £1 from Tesco because I will not be complicit in human rights abuses as far as I can avoid it. I paid 55p for garlic, £1.30 each for nutmeg and white pepper, £1 for the frozen ginger and 30p for the lemon. I estimate this much to be thumb sized:
View attachment 1708475
Please note my middle class Seasalt socks match my Le Creuset impeccably. While I do not have a Nutribullet, you will have noticed that there is no need to sob.

I need to pop out to meet my friend for brunch because I'm BUSY, I do actually have a friend, and I'm sure as tit having one decent meal today, but will report back on the method later this afternoon.

Thank LJC you were spared from having to track down the ‘fat garlic’ she specifies in most of her recipes. I’ve been searching for that for months…

 

[VeniVidiVicki]

@hoopdedoo - I was really cross when I had made the horse spunk lasagne too last night which is why I haven’t posted until today.

So, I followed the recipe which mysteriously - despite being named ultimate lasagne - doesn’t appear in her book but only on her blog.

This is what I was trying to make which apparently costs 40p a portion, makes plenty of leftovers and she posted due to clamorous demand on insta. I can’t be arsed to check her Instagram but I can tell you those first two things aren’t true.

I assembled my ingredients and followed the recipe almost to the letter. I say almost because she doesn’t tell you to turn the oven on until the end of the recipe and she doesn’t include oil in the list of ingredients for the ragu as she calls it.

She tells you to put the onion and garlic in a blender so I did. She then tells you to chop the 400g of mushrooms. Obviously I put them in my food processor or I’d probably still be chopping. First you dump the onions and garlic in an unspecified amount of oil (I used a tablespoon) and then you add the rinsed lentils (which leaped about alarmingly) and then add in the mushroom mush.

You then add in red wine, a can of tomatoes, some spinach, thyme and gravy powder. Gravy powder as I’m sure everyone knows thickens things are runny. But this wasn’t runny! It was quite dry and firm. At this point the lentils are still really hard but she assured Matt of the forearms that they’d soften up in the oven.

and now onto the white sauce! As i promised, I followed what she did on DKL - which is to say I mixed milk, oil, flour and half a teaspoon of mustard (honestly, what does she have against flavour) in a jug with a stick blender and didn't cook it. Yum!

Onto assembly! She says to choose a suitable dish that looks like it will hold that quantity of slop. I chose the one I have that I use when I make things for 6-8 servings which is about A4 size. It basically made two layers. This is the first layer with the horse spunk.

Of course this quantity of horse spunk is not going to cover all the lasagne sheets on the top layer. I did try and cover it as best I could and topped with breadcrumbs and grated cheese (she doesn’t mention that in the recipe but she used it on DKL and I did want it to taste of something).

I put it in the oven and put a timer on for 40 minutes. Unfortunately my #actuallyautistic teenager was in the kitchen when the timer went off and I was watching strictly and he didn’t tell me so it was in the oven for slightly longer than 40 minutes.

As you can see, if you mix milk with flour and oil and pour it over a lasagne, it doesn’t turn into bechamel. It just sort of dissipates into the general mush leaving with you with a crispy crunchy pasta topping.

This is1/6 of it and this is a regular size dinner plate. It’s not a huge portion and it was dry and claggy with crunchy pasta on top. The overwhelming flavour is wine and thyme.

I gave another portion to my dog who was equally unimpressed. The rest of it is in the fridge. I’m going to buy some plain yoghurt and see if I can rescue it somehow but I’m not hopeful.

It cost me £8.33 to make excluding the white sauce ingredients. Per portion if you divide it into six, it’s 273 calories per person which isn’t enough to keep a sparrow going. It is quite filling though.

Final verdict: 1 - dire.

If I’d actually made a white sauce, it might have made it to a 2 or a 3 but I’m not tempted to try it again to see. I can only conclude that she entirely forgot about making the white sauce when she was on DKL and just thought she’d try and style it out rather than admitting that. twit.

 

[Slop n slide]

@hoopdedoo - I was really cross when I had made the horse spunk lasagne too last night which is why I haven’t posted until today.

So, I followed the recipe which mysteriously - despite being named ultimate lasagne - doesn’t appear in her book but only on her blog.

This is what I was trying to make which apparently costs 40p a portion, makes plenty of leftovers and she posted due to clamorous demand on insta. I can’t be arsed to check her Instagram but I can tell you those first two things aren’t true.

View attachment 1708437

I assembled my ingredients and followed the recipe almost to the letter. I say almost because she doesn’t tell you to turn the oven on until the end of the recipe and she doesn’t include oil in the list of ingredients for the ragu as she calls it.

View attachment 1708440
She tells you to put the onion and garlic in a blender so I did. She then tells you to chop the 400g of mushrooms. Obviously I put them in my food processor or I’d probably still be chopping. First you dump the onions and garlic in an unspecified amount of oil (I used a tablespoon) and then you add the rinsed lentils (which leaped about alarmingly) and then add in the mushroom mush.


View attachment 1708443
You then add in red wine, a can of tomatoes, some spinach, thyme and gravy powder. Gravy powder as I’m sure everyone knows thickens things are runny. But this wasn’t runny! It was quite dry and firm. At this point the lentils are still really hard but she assured Matt of the forearms that they’d soften up in the oven.

View attachment 1708510
and now onto the white sauce! As i promised, I followed what she did on DKL - which is to say I mixed milk, oil, flour and half a teaspoon of mustard (honestly, what does she have against flavour) in a jug with a stick blender and didn't cook it. Yum!

Onto assembly! She says to choose a suitable dish that looks like it will hold that quantity of slop. I chose the one I have that I use when I make things for 6-8 servings which is about A4 size. It basically made two layers. This is the first layer with the horse spunk.



View attachment 1708526

Of course this quantity of horse spunk is not going to cover all the lasagne sheets on the top layer. I did try and cover it as best I could and topped with breadcrumbs and grated cheese (she doesn’t mention that in the recipe but she used it on DKL and I did want it to taste of something).
View attachment 1708535
I put it in the oven and put a timer on for 40 minutes. Unfortunately my #actuallyautistic teenager was in the kitchen when the timer went off and I was watching strictly and he didn’t tell me so it was in the oven for slightly longer than 40 minutes.


View attachment 1708542
As you can see, if you mix milk with flour and oil and pour it over a lasagne, it doesn’t turn into bechamel. It just sort of dissipates into the general mush leaving with you with a crispy crunchy pasta topping.
View attachment 1708574
This is1/6 of it and this is a regular size dinner plate. It’s not a huge portion and it was dry and claggy with crunchy pasta on top. The overwhelming flavour is wine and thyme.

I gave another portion to my dog who was equally unimpressed. The rest of it is in the fridge. I’m going to buy some plain yoghurt and see if I can rescue it somehow but I’m not hopeful.

It cost me £8.33 to make excluding the white sauce ingredients. Per portion if you divide it into six, it’s 273 calories per person which isn’t enough to keep a sparrow going. It is quite filling though.

Final verdict: 1 - dire.

If I’d actually made a white sauce, it might have made it to a 2 or a 3 but I’m not tempted to try it again to see. I can only conclude that she entirely forgot about making the white sauce when she was on DKL and just thought she’d try and style it out rather than admitting that. twit.

Oh my Christ return of the horse spunk

Excellent effort, dear heart. Just excellent

 

[HaveTinCanRattle]

@hoopdedoo - I was really cross when I had made the horse spunk lasagne too last night which is why I haven’t posted until today.

So, I followed the recipe which mysteriously - despite being named ultimate lasagne - doesn’t appear in her book but only on her blog.

This is what I was trying to make which apparently costs 40p a portion, makes plenty of leftovers and she posted due to clamorous demand on insta. I can’t be arsed to check her Instagram but I can tell you those first two things aren’t true.

View attachment 1708437

I assembled my ingredients and followed the recipe almost to the letter. I say almost because she doesn’t tell you to turn the oven on until the end of the recipe and she doesn’t include oil in the list of ingredients for the ragu as she calls it.

View attachment 1708440
She tells you to put the onion and garlic in a blender so I did. She then tells you to chop the 400g of mushrooms. Obviously I put them in my food processor or I’d probably still be chopping. First you dump the onions and garlic in an unspecified amount of oil (I used a tablespoon) and then you add the rinsed lentils (which leaped about alarmingly) and then add in the mushroom mush.


View attachment 1708443
You then add in red wine, a can of tomatoes, some spinach, thyme and gravy powder. Gravy powder as I’m sure everyone knows thickens things are runny. But this wasn’t runny! It was quite dry and firm. At this point the lentils are still really hard but she assured Matt of the forearms that they’d soften up in the oven.

View attachment 1708510
and now onto the white sauce! As i promised, I followed what she did on DKL - which is to say I mixed milk, oil, flour and half a teaspoon of mustard (honestly, what does she have against flavour) in a jug with a stick blender and didn't cook it. Yum!

Onto assembly! She says to choose a suitable dish that looks like it will hold that quantity of slop. I chose the one I have that I use when I make things for 6-8 servings which is about A4 size. It basically made two layers. This is the first layer with the horse spunk.



View attachment 1708526

Of course this quantity of horse spunk is not going to cover all the lasagne sheets on the top layer. I did try and cover it as best I could and topped with breadcrumbs and grated cheese (she doesn’t mention that in the recipe but she used it on DKL and I did want it to taste of something).
View attachment 1708535
I put it in the oven and put a timer on for 40 minutes. Unfortunately my #actuallyautistic teenager was in the kitchen when the timer went off and I was watching strictly and he didn’t tell me so it was in the oven for slightly longer than 40 minutes.


View attachment 1708542
As you can see, if you mix milk with flour and oil and pour it over a lasagne, it doesn’t turn into bechamel. It just sort of dissipates into the general mush leaving with you with a crispy crunchy pasta topping.
View attachment 1708574
This is1/6 of it and this is a regular size dinner plate. It’s not a huge portion and it was dry and claggy with crunchy pasta on top. The overwhelming flavour is wine and thyme.

I gave another portion to my dog who was equally unimpressed. The rest of it is in the fridge. I’m going to buy some plain yoghurt and see if I can rescue it somehow but I’m not hopeful.

It cost me £8.33 to make excluding the white sauce ingredients. Per portion if you divide it into six, it’s 273 calories per person which isn’t enough to keep a sparrow going. It is quite filling though.

Final verdict: 1 - dire.

If I’d actually made a white sauce, it might have made it to a 2 or a 3 but I’m not tempted to try it again to see. I can only conclude that she entirely forgot about making the white sauce when she was on DKL and just thought she’d try and style it out rather than admitting that. twit.

Did you try scribbling your shopping list with a magic marker on your kitchen tiles, dear heart? Could have made all the difference.

 

[Lazarus]

Unusually for Jack, the Lazarus pesto wasn’t costed but I costed mine.

• Fresh thyme - 55p
• Fresh rosemary - £1.50 (didn’t have any in packs so I had to buy the plant)
• Fresh parsley - 55p (Jack’s recipe describes her parsley as some sticky soggy parsley but Tesco didn’t have this, even in the yellow sticker part, so I opted for curly instead of my usual flat leaf)
• 2 cloves of garlic - Jack’s recipe doesn’t suggest which size but as many of her recipes call for big fat cloves that’s what I’ve gone for. These were free as I had them at home. Jack’s recipe also calls for 4 cloves but as i wouldn’t mind a bite in the neck from Christopher Lee, I went for two.
• Cashew nuts - 100g - 58p
• Lemon - I had this in, so of course it means it was free
• 50g Hard cheese - cheese not specified so I went for provolone as I had this in. Of course, this means it was free.
• 100ml oil - Jack suggests a variety of different oils but as I wouldn’t normally use them either in cooking or in pesto, I went for my usual type of organic olive oil. This is 74p per 100ml

Jacks method suggested I should either blend my herbs, with the stalks, or use her favourite method of chopping them in a mug with scissors. As I went for the harder herb pesto, I was concerned that I didn’t have the time to chop thyme in a mug so I went for the blender

I then moved on to rinsing the cashews. This broke my heart as I really like cashews, but we are where we are.

knowing Jacks knife skills, I attempted to finely chopped garlic the way she would. I put this in the blender too. The method doesn’t say whether, once finely blending the herbs whether I should then blend them again when doing the cheese, nuts and garlic. So I took the herbs out of the blender and done the nuts, grated cheese and garlic separately.

as you can see, despite putting my blender on turbo, there were still large stalks from the thyme.

^finely chopped my garlic to a similar size to half a cashew.

ETA:
The cheese. Recipe calls for 50g. I cut mine to 49! Who am I to quibble over J1g?

once blended, the cheesy garlic nut mix looked like this. It doesn’t look like any pesto I’ve ever eaten or made before, but she’s now on her 7th cook book so I have to assume she knew what she was doing with this.

next step was to mix the nut, cheese, garlic and herbs together. As you can see, it’s an odd looking mix but I still had faith.

100ml of olive oil follows, using the pub measure thing I had at home, so this was also free.

100ml felt like a heartbreaking amount of oil to use but surprisingly the cashews could take it because they made everything else so dry.

As you can see, they’re quite absorbent.

Once fully mixed through, I identified a number of stalks but I’m sure this will be fine.

Jack hasn’t suggested how the Lazarus pesto with rosemary and thyme should be eaten. She has suggested a sage one, which I won’t be trying, would make a nice base for a pasta dish, but is silent on this one. I can’t imagine why.
Using my own autonomy I’ve decided to plate it up and eat it as one standalone meal. I’ve served it up on a plate, where, as demonstrated, I’ve made a well - a sort of hole.

I was unsure what to fill this hole with, and wasn’t sure what would compliment the overwhelming dryness yet wetness of this ‘pesto’.
in the end, there was only one choice.

An inexplicable egg. These are Tesco organic eggs but as I had them in it was free.

On a scale of 1-5 I’d mark this as 1= dire. The dish is expensive to produce, it’s wasteful, it’s untested by Jack and it wouldn’t really work well as a pesto. The nuts, despite having an unbelievable amount of oil, made the rest of it really dry. With 4 cloves of garlic, it would be inedible for my taste, but Jack’s the expert, not me.

 

[Hollaaa]

I think a medal for Services to Slop is in order, @Lazarus - that was nothing less than iconic.