Slopalong: Cooking with Jack Monroe

[People-huv-tae-know]

@MavisBeacon pina colada bread

I'm almost tempted to try this and see how bad it is.

Guten Abend Frauen,
Apparently a symptom of covid is nausea so I have been bed-bound today. I am hoping to be feeling well enough tomorrow to join in on the slopalong!

Hermann would like to know if we would like a German review (brutally honest with no holding back) or a slightly modified, more polite, British version? I haven't mentioned the slopalong, I have sold it rather as a scientific experiment, which he is very much on board with!

Have just been catching up with your attempts, nothing looks like my stomach could handle it right now! Thank(space)you for all your efforts!

German review please, I think Jack is in dire need of brutal honesty.

 

[WhyYouCry?]

Right, the loaf is done and the verdict is in. First, the process and the recipe, with which I found a few issues.

View attachment 1707426
View attachment 1707427

Here I have my ingredients plus a couple of passive aggressive bonus ones.
View attachment 1707431
View attachment 1707434
The oil method was disgusting and messy. Personally I would prefer to use parchment paper in the tin. But as per the recipe I did use two fingers dipped in oil.
View attachment 1707498

View attachment 1707445
It's not clear if she means mash the bananas with the side of the fork, I assume not because it's impossible. Amazingly or not, the oily banana mixture does resemble a horrid mess.
View attachment 1707460
View attachment 1707462
View attachment 1707464
Next, I had to prep the white powder/MSG/baking powder. I knew my old Tesco club card would come in handy one day.
View attachment 1707470

Next add white powders to the banana oil gloop.
View attachment 1707475
Then add flour in two stages, why I do not know. The addition of all the water made it extra runny
View attachment 1707480
Fold in the raspberries and look how much it resembles vomit.
View attachment 1707482

Baked for an hour and look how bloody flat it is! Despite the oven being at the right temp and following the recipe properly. It looks nothing like Jack's photo. I felt gaslight by the recipe, what did I do wrong?
View attachment 1707485
It looks well baked on the outside but don't let that fool you. The inside is raw and gummy as I feared it would be It also tastes quite bland despite the berries. They do not pack a flavour punch and even after 10 minutes of cooling, the berries are burning hot. Overall it tastes of banana and not much else.
View attachment 1707504

The verdict is




PS, typical Jack at the end of this recipe.
View attachment 1707506

So overall, a waste of time, ingredients and an hour's worth of fuel. Husband not impressed as my food is usually tasty. I'm off to get pished now! A medicinal whisky to rejuvenate my taste buds should do the trick.

Every time a new slop is posted I feel a little frisson of excitement!
Excellent work. Question is, is it 1- rank or 2- terrible?

 

[Kittypops]

Right, the loaf is done and the verdict is in. First, the process and the recipe, with which I found a few issues.

View attachment 1707426
View attachment 1707427

Here I have my ingredients plus a couple of passive aggressive bonus ones.
View attachment 1707431
View attachment 1707434
The oil method was disgusting and messy. Personally I would prefer to use parchment paper in the tin. But as per the recipe I did use two fingers dipped in oil.
View attachment 1707498

View attachment 1707445
It's not clear if she means mash the bananas with the side of the fork, I assume not because it's impossible. Amazingly or not, the oily banana mixture does resemble a horrid mess.
View attachment 1707460
View attachment 1707462
View attachment 1707464
Next, I had to prep the white powder/MSG/baking powder. I knew my old Tesco club card would come in handy one day.
View attachment 1707470

Next add white powders to the banana oil gloop.
View attachment 1707475
Then add flour in two stages, why I do not know. The addition of all the water made it extra runny
View attachment 1707480
Fold in the raspberries and look how much it resembles vomit.
View attachment 1707482

Baked for an hour and look how bloody flat it is! Despite the oven being at the right temp and following the recipe properly. It looks nothing like Jack's photo. I felt gaslight by the recipe, what did I do wrong?
View attachment 1707485
It looks well baked on the outside but don't let that fool you. The inside is raw and gummy as I feared it would be It also tastes quite bland despite the berries. They do not pack a flavour punch and even after 10 minutes of cooling, the berries are burning hot. Overall it tastes of banana and not much else.
View attachment 1707504

The verdict is




PS, typical Jack at the end of this recipe.
View attachment 1707506

So overall, a waste of time, ingredients and an hour's worth of fuel. Husband not impressed as my food is usually tasty. I'm off to get pished now! A medicinal whisky to rejuvenate my taste buds should do the trick.

Pop a slice in your pocket, make that cake do double duty as a hand-warmer.

 

[Here_Hold_My_Hat]

Baked for an hour and look how bloody flat it is! Despite the oven being at the right temp and following the recipe properly. It looks nothing like Jack's photo. I felt gaslight by the recipe, what did I do wrong?
View attachment 1707485

Just glancing at that photo I thought it was the top of the (perhaps silicone?) pan, and that was the part of the loaf that had risen over the edges. But no, that's the entire loaf.

You people are my heroes.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

It's all well and good making a Jackslop but I will send cashos to the first maniac willing to make a Slopbot recipe.

 

[WhyYouCry?]

It's all well and good making a Jackslop but I will send cashos to the first maniac willing to make a Slopbot recipe.

View attachment 1707542

Sounds nicer than some of her creations, TBF

 

[Shimmering]

I keep bursting out laughing at the fact she actually published a recipe entitled "crappucino".

Like I just can't get my head around it. WTF.

 

[Geetbo]

It's all well and good making a Jackslop but I will send cashos to the first maniac willing to make a Slopbot recipe.

View attachment 1707542

Genuinely tempted to make this.

 

[Day3TShirt]

Right, the loaf is done and the verdict is in. First, the process and the recipe, with which I found a few issues.

View attachment 1707426
View attachment 1707427

Here I have my ingredients plus a couple of passive aggressive bonus ones.
View attachment 1707431
View attachment 1707434
The oil method was disgusting and messy. Personally I would prefer to use parchment paper in the tin. But as per the recipe I did use two fingers dipped in oil.
View attachment 1707498

View attachment 1707445
It's not clear if she means mash the bananas with the side of the fork, I assume not because it's impossible. Amazingly or not, the oily banana mixture does resemble a horrid mess.
View attachment 1707460
View attachment 1707462
View attachment 1707464
Next, I had to prep the white powder/MSG/baking powder. I knew my old Tesco club card would come in handy one day.
View attachment 1707470

Next add white powders to the banana oil gloop.
View attachment 1707475
Then add flour in two stages, why I do not know. The addition of all the water made it extra runny
View attachment 1707480
Fold in the raspberries and look how much it resembles vomit.
View attachment 1707482

Baked for an hour and look how bloody flat it is! Despite the oven being at the right temp and following the recipe properly. It looks nothing like Jack's photo. I felt gaslight by the recipe, what did I do wrong?
View attachment 1707485
It looks well baked on the outside but don't let that fool you. The inside is raw and gummy as I feared it would be It also tastes quite bland despite the berries. They do not pack a flavour punch and even after 10 minutes of cooling, the berries are burning hot. Overall it tastes of banana and not much else.
View attachment 1707504

The verdict is




PS, typical Jack at the end of this recipe.
View attachment 1707506

So overall, a waste of time, ingredients and an hour's worth of fuel. Husband not impressed as my food is usually tasty. I'm off to get pished now! A medicinal whisky to rejuvenate my taste buds should do the trick.

You were FORENSIC. Chapeau. Commiserations on the outcome.

Welcome to the club of people who’ve failed to make Jack’s slop edible despite all best efforts.

 

[NellieBoo]

Right, the loaf is done and the verdict is in. First, the process and the recipe, with which I found a few issues.

View attachment 1707426
View attachment 1707427

Here I have my ingredients plus a couple of passive aggressive bonus ones.
View attachment 1707431
View attachment 1707434
The oil method was disgusting and messy. Personally I would prefer to use parchment paper in the tin. But as per the recipe I did use two fingers dipped in oil.
View attachment 1707498

View attachment 1707445
It's not clear if she means mash the bananas with the side of the fork, I assume not because it's impossible. Amazingly or not, the oily banana mixture does resemble a horrid mess.
View attachment 1707460
View attachment 1707462
View attachment 1707464
Next, I had to prep the white powder/MSG/baking powder. I knew my old Tesco club card would come in handy one day.
View attachment 1707470

Next add white powders to the banana oil gloop.
View attachment 1707475
Then add flour in two stages, why I do not know. The addition of all the water made it extra runny
View attachment 1707480
Fold in the raspberries and look how much it resembles vomit.
View attachment 1707482

Baked for an hour and look how bloody flat it is! Despite the oven being at the right temp and following the recipe properly. It looks nothing like Jack's photo. I felt gaslight by the recipe, what did I do wrong?
View attachment 1707485
It looks well baked on the outside but don't let that fool you. The inside is raw and gummy as I feared it would be It also tastes quite bland despite the berries. They do not pack a flavour punch and even after 10 minutes of cooling, the berries are burning hot. Overall it tastes of banana and not much else.
View attachment 1707504

The verdict is




PS, typical Jack at the end of this recipe.
View attachment 1707506

So overall, a waste of time, ingredients and an hour's worth of fuel. Husband not impressed as my food is usually tasty. I'm off to get pished now! A medicinal whisky to rejuvenate my taste buds should do the trick.

It looks so sad and soggy. Could you save it by frying slices in butter, kind of like french toast?

 

[People-huv-tae-know]

Every time a new slop is posted I feel a little frisson of excitement!
Excellent work. Question is, is it 1- rank or 2- terrible?

Definitely bleeping rank!

It looks so sad and soggy. Could you save it by frying slices in butter, kind of like french toast?

I'm not sure, fried banana and raspberries sounds.... not very apetising. I do have vegan butter but it's too expensive to waste on slop. I might freeze it to keep as a constipation cure though.

 

[NellieBoo]

I keep bursting out laughing at the fact she actually published a recipe entitled "crappucino".

Like I just can't get my head around it. WTF.

From someone who wangs on about their Greek heritage too. The home of the frappe.

 

[IcanSpellBéchamel]

@overdueanadventure that was amazing. Thankspaceyou for all you do, tender one.

I’m not clear on what made Jack think that slop has any connection to Cuba. I assume she was going for something like a ropa vieja whilst omitting most of the key ingredients.

 

[HotesTilaire]

I cannot wait. Mr Beacon will be cooking while I bark instructions and do commentary. I am so intrigued to see what a half soda bread half yeasted bread comes out like. I suspect disgusting

Here’s a pre-review recycled from Matt Tebbut “terrible!” I’m sure he will sign the paperwork for me to use the quote here.

 

[mince]

@NellieBoo Worts

I spent many long afternoons. Did she bollocks.

 

[NellieBoo]

Definitely bleeping rank!


I'm not sure, fried banana and raspberries sounds.... not very apetising. I do have vegan butter but it's too expensive to waste on slop. I might freeze it to keep as a constipation cure though.

Could you store it under your bed to use as self defence if burglar Bill comes calling? THEN you could fry it. It would be like that lamb leg episode of Tales Of The Unexpected.

 

[Captainmouse]

Fantastic slop slinging all!! @IcanSpellBéchamel valiant effort making that look presentable. You can't polish a turd, but you can cover it in parsley.

#thread title You can't polish a turd, but you can cover it in parsley.

 

[YenE]

The slop slinging mood struck and I've gone and made the Vegetable Peelings Loaf.

Join me on my first ever Jack Monroe cooking adventure. I'm so excited!

Ingredients carefully gathered, I'm all set to get a-slopping!

View attachment 1706939

duck me, how many peelings?

View attachment 1706945
OK, so I get busy with the blending business, mmm, every time I heave the blender out to let it come up for air, I'm treated to a deliciously reverberating slluurrrppp sound. The sound you only normally hear when unblocking a drain. A sign of slop to come perhaps? Let's see! My blender keeps getting stuck in the swampy soup. Is it trying to tell me something?

View attachment 1706957

Yes it is. The whole thing has become a puree! Where did I go wrong? Could it be that two apples and a large onion are just too heckin wet to give a damn about binding with vegetable peelings?

The mix is mixed. I'm like Betty Boo Doin the Doo:
View attachment 1706977

I'm super excited about this next stage - pulsing the bread, chickpeas, the egg, the cheese and all the tasty seasoning as it'll no doubt add some essential heft into the runny brew. Oh look, the chickpea liquid goes in too, because more wet stuff is exactly what this recipe needs. Fraus, Herren, I'm starting to worry:

View attachment 1706986

Next stage... I see mention made to "lightly grease" a loaf Tin. Hold up, there's no mention of grease being needed in the recipe. Do you think I'm made of money and have grease on tap?

I press it into my oven dish. You know when you make papier mache and it's just a bit too wet and you know you need more torn up newspaper? Hmm, yes,that...

View attachment 1706996
I'm cooking the whole mixture in one go as I make the executive decision this is a one-and-done dish. So, into the oven it goes:

View attachment 1706999
Exactly one hour is up! Time to reveal the loaf in all its glory!

View attachment 1707031

I'm going in...

View attachment 1707032

It smells like stuffing. I like stuffing.
It tastes... there's a taste of something, surely? Nope. A hint of something earthy, but not quite perceptible. It tastes of wet slop. It goes down like wet slop. I now need a solid slab of toast to eradicate the memory. With it being bonfire night, should anyone need something to dampen down some flames, I have just the thing.

Score: 1. Dire.

Ummmm looking at that made me retch, fair play to you for making and then eating a bit.

 

[Blair-Waldorf]

Apologies @Blair-Waldorf , it should have been @BlairWaldorf86.

I did a chaos

No worries I’ve got right into this thread now, thanks for the laughs I need to get back into JM thread but I’m just too BUSY

 

[Slop n slide]

Here goes - Jack Monroe's "Cuban-inspired Beef, Red and Black bean stew".

Spoiler: Part 1

Channelling Jack, a couple of days ago I swung a rucksack over my dessicated shoulder (I didn’t and I don't.) and walked through wind and rain (I stopped off when I was driving home from work) to Asda (Lidl, cos duck you, Asda-shill Jack) in a state of anticipation and glee.

My painstaking stocktake of the cupboards at home had instilled in me the certainty of a thousand Jacks who’ve just announced their fathers are Marxist Leninists: I could do this, I could gather provisions for a slop!

It takes practice and experience to get this good at top-up shopping, so don’t feel bad if you can’t do it yet. I knew I had onions, oil, cumin, dried herbs & chillis, salt, pepper and white vinegar at home already, so you know, FORENSIC. (If anyone cares, I did check the prices of the herbs & spices at Lidl and they were between 69 – 75p per pot.)

I made sure to palm all the goods, feeling the heft of the tins, testing the hnngh of the vegetables. My purchases for this endeavour amounted to £4.83.

To balance my karma or chakras or conscience for my upcoming, potential(!) (let’s not pre-judge) food waste crimes, I bought some extra tins which I stuck in the foodbank collection on the way out.

Jack costed hers at 95p per portion. I think mine worked out about the same but honestly couldn't be arsed to figure out the salt/pepper etc. Just using the tins and veg, it worked out at 91p per portion.

Spoiler: Part 2

At home, in a dramatic climb-down from my self-declared shopping brilliance, I realised belatedly that I had bought Lidl’s chilli-spiced kidney beans instead of plain. Fortunately I had some Aldi red kidney beans to substitute from the cupboard.

This does NOT undermine my claims of forensic stocktaking because I bought the new kidney beans in order that my stock of ingredients can ROLL on. duck off x.

I laid out my ingredients for the crucial performative photo opportunity.

View attachment 1707272

Spoiler: Part 3 - The inevitable sad life story anecdote

Now I’m not really a confident cook – as a SINGLE MOTHER I did all the cooking for years, but I mostly stick to things I know and that I know will get eaten. I also came from a home where my SINGLE MOTHER didn’t really like cooking and was exhausted from working full-time in a manual job – let’s just say when I left home washing lettuce came as a surprise to me.

Are we getting the violins out yet?

So I was, in the past anyway, possibly just the audience Jack is aiming at.

Spoiler: Part 4 - OK, to business.

Finely chop veg. Yes, done.
Grate carrot. Yes, done.
Grate those fat lil chubby cloves of garlic? Seemed a scary enterprise as I once grated my finger and have the physical memory of it engrained, but OK, done.

All in the pan, with the oil and salt. Flash-marinade? If you say so.

View attachment 1707281

I obediently got my mise en place, washed the red kidney beans, and boiled the kettle.

View attachment 1707284

And because this is a 15 minute of cooking dish, I got my timer out. 2 minutes heating the veg, then chuck in all the beans, tomatoes (chopped in the tin with a sharp knife), and the stewed beef.

Then herbs, cumin, chilli, black pepper and stock cube go in, followed by boiling water. Here I had a crisis of confidence? How much water?! No clue. No instruction. I put in about 200ml. Too much? Who knows?

Stirred, lid on and 12 minutes on the highest heat.

Then it sits for 20 minutes to think about what it’s done.

I suggest this 20 minutes should be for self-care.

Spoiler: Part 5

OK, back in the room. I lifted the lid, it did not look appetising. It kind of looks like frogs trying to escape a swamp.

View attachment 1707288

I give it a stir.

She wants me to blend a quarter of it – well, it’s optional, but I’m trying to follow as I feel she’d want, so off we go.

View attachment 1707298

duck that looks disgusting.

Back it goes into the rest of it. And now the final minute of heating to make it HOT HOT.

Spoiler: Part 6 - Right then!

to try it...

I feel all kinds of sad to be honest, looking at it, but it’s not horrible in taste.

View attachment 1707398

Quite sloppy, as you’d expect, but edible.

I fed it to son as punishment for gaming all afternoon. (He's adult son now, so don't feel overly sorry for him ).

He said, diplomatically, when I discovered his bowl still full and cold, "it was OK, not my favourite consistency or favourite flavours. I kind of filled up on the bread & butter."

He seemed relieved when I told him I'd done it for an internet bet.

Score - I'm feeling generous so 3, Middle Class.

Spoiler: Epilogue

View attachment 1707314

At no point did she tell me when to put in the vinegar, so it stayed out.

View attachment 1707331

I did work out the calories and it comes to 398 kcal per portion.

Thank you, as ever, for your consideration.

The frogs escaping the swamp hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah