You brave slopslingers! You’re all so ruddy, bloody brave, I salute you.
Slopalong: Cooking with Jack Monroe
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You’re all mental and I love you for it (I’m not joining in).
I think there should be a penalty if someone makes something good…only joking!!
I think there should be a penalty if someone makes something good…only joking!!
I bought a poppy yesterday; I nearly added it as an extra garnish but the Royal British Legion deserve better.
Ninnies, I have just been on my performative shop for ingredients in the Beery Berry Crumble. Sadly the liquor store I visited seems to have a clerk that pays less attention than Jack to labels and directions; to wit, none of the single serve tins in the sections labeled "porter" were actually porter or even stout. I compensated by purchasing a locally made dark ale with a most appropriate name: Sneaky Weasel. Slopalong cooking adventure to come.
I thought the same thing! It's just so sad and small
Has anyone volunteered the sprout scones yet @That Forensic Man ? If not I'll do it. I love sprouts but this abomination needs scrutiny.
Ahh I see @Falkor has already taken the baton for that one.
Had anyone any similar recommendations. My Harold is on holiday next week so I'll make something then. I'm willing to give anything veggie a try
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*bangs cake pop gavel*
A rating of 1 constitutes a truly DIRE slop tender ones x
@People-huv-tae-know very well slopped, chapeau!
A recent entry from *checks notes* @Falkor snapped up sprout scones dear heart. There's no harm in testing such a novel recipe twice though.
ETA I would also be keen to see the results of Jacket Beetato
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Nahhh I'm most traumatised by this particular slop so far. Why does it look like the cooking step never happened?! A splat of Pedigree Chum would be more appealing!
Was looking into veggie recipes/beetato again and found @AndrewsDaddy noticed this is a fuel-heavy recipe, a single beetroot in the oven for 1hr 15mins, what the hell man. But it's ok I have a thrifty tip, save money on your gas bill by cooking individual beetroots at your girlfriend's house
Jack Monroe #384 You're churning out rinsed hoops and boiled slop, not storming the Bastille
Apologies if someone has already said this:. The postcards were a sudden spur of the moment invention called "thrifty shades of beige". Postcards celebrating beige food. She announced it with much rattling and fanfare. People signed up Then it was never mentioned again
tattle.life
Roasted/oven baked beetroots is nothing novel or new, beetroot served with creamy/yoghurty things is nothing new. I’ve been vegetarian for 37 years and served ALL MANNER of awful tit but seeing her suggestion of putting baked beans on a roasted beetroot has made a little bit of sick enter my mouth.
Stand by. Phase one of the Mel Donte pineapple upside down chicken is on its way as soon as I've had my second coffee and a shower. Might need another shower afterwards if it makes me feel soiled 
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With the banana bread, you’d usually fold in the flour - and oil isn’t really a good alternative to butter and eggs
The quantities are way out too, compared to this beaut of a recipe https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/brilliant-banana-loaf/amp
I’m not sure why any of this surprises me, but it still has that ability amazingly.
Loving everyone’s work
The quantities are way out too, compared to this beaut of a recipe https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/brilliant-banana-loaf/amp
I’m not sure why any of this surprises me, but it still has that ability amazingly.
Loving everyone’s work
I just can’t understand how she seems to consider everything she cooks as “the best” “ultimate” “can’t get enough” 
(and she dated a chef!!!) does J1g impair your palate or something? Does she actually think she is good at cooking or is she trying to convince herself? It truly baffles me Fraus 
(and she dated a chef!!!) does J1g impair your palate or something? Does she actually think she is good at cooking or is she trying to convince herself? It truly baffles me Fraus I would pay good money to watch Paul Hollywood read this recipe and the guff she’s talking about with regards to dough. Those sprouts are going to be totally raw
That was my and Mr F's conclusion this morning when I told him I was making them (he's the cook in the house, I am rubbish). I've been told that I'm making them next week while he's away!!I would pay good money to watch Paul Hollywood read this recipe and the guff she’s talking about with regards to dough. Those sprouts are going to be totally raw
Err… she cooked for Mary Portas, don’t you know? Absolute PROOF that she is the chefiest of all the chefs.I just can’t understand how she seems to consider everything she cooks as “the best” “ultimate” “can’t get enough”
WARNED
I've had a crappy week and this thread is giving me life. I woke up obscenely early this morning and came here for a grunk, only to have to leave my lovely warm bed for fear of disturbing my Old Harold with all the fizzing and hooting. So I adjourned to the sofa with the dog, who has discerning tastes and would not touch any of the slop.
The use of props has been outstanding. The ring binders, the biro tats, the line of white powder, the spoooooons! You are wonderful ninnies and I love you all.
One thing that has jumped out at me from looking through all these recipes is her obsession with lemon juice. What's with that? Lemon juice (fresh, not bottled!) can be an excellent flavour enhancer, of course, but she seems to chuck it into everything and anything.
The use of props has been outstanding. The ring binders, the biro tats, the line of white powder, the spoooooons! You are wonderful ninnies and I love you all.
One thing that has jumped out at me from looking through all these recipes is her obsession with lemon juice. What's with that? Lemon juice (fresh, not bottled!) can be an excellent flavour enhancer, of course, but she seems to chuck it into everything and anything.
It’s probably a bit gauche to quote one’s own post but I decided to rescue the Sports Direct mug this morning after it had spent a night in the fridge. As the canal can see in the photo, I hadn’t fully mixed in the Marmite or the cheese. I often heat leftovers up from the day before - I’m sorry, I just can’t.
It looks like a chemistry experiment in a petri dish.
ETA correct spelling of petri, it’s been decades
Beery Berry Crumble. Oh dear.
The verdict: I can pretty much guarantee that no one tested this recipe, because the proportions of both parts are way out of whack. And I really don't want to know what was going on in Jack's head to make her think that beer and berries would taste good together, much less boiled together.
My rating: HELL NO. Vile = 1.
I would like to add that although the Slopalong is great fun, making this recipe made me really angry. A crisp or crumble is very simple to create, and it doesn't have to cost a lot. Jack is supposedly helping people with limited budgets, and this recipe was so bad that all of it ended up in the compost. Not a bit of it was salveageable or edible. If someone had spent part of their weekly shopping money on this, even when fresh fruit was in season and maybe a bit cheaper, they would have wasted every penny of that spend. Jack isn't just a pov cosplayer, she's giving vulnerable people really crappy advice and actually *costing* them money rather than saving it.
My first clue that this was not going to go well: the picture in the instructions showed a long rectangular baking dish, while the instructions said "a deep ovenproof baking dish around 20cm in diameter". As I had neither a rectangular or round dish, I went with a deep square dish with 20 cm sides.
My big shop consisted of a tin of Sneaky Weasel strong lager (had to sub in for porter or stout as no single tins of either were available), a bag of frozen berries, and two large apples. The recipe said "frozen or fresh berries", and as we know, all berries have the same taste and texture and are interchangeable in recipes
. I went for a bag of frozen diced strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, and peaches.
Everything else in the recipe I had on hand, in my forensically organized stock cupboard (I make crisps and crumbles quite often). Cost of the shop was £1.89 for the beer, £5.86 for the frozen fruit, and £1 for the apples.
The biggest excitement of my shop was that when I arrived at the supermarket, there were three police cars outside and a bunch of policemen were arresting a shoplifter. Then when I was leaving, the same policemen were there, arresting a different shoplifter. Given the geographic distance I doubt this was the Essex Celebrity Squad, but you never know.
My big shop consisted of a tin of Sneaky Weasel strong lager (had to sub in for porter or stout as no single tins of either were available), a bag of frozen berries, and two large apples. The recipe said "frozen or fresh berries", and as we know, all berries have the same taste and texture and are interchangeable in recipes
. I went for a bag of frozen diced strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, and peaches.Everything else in the recipe I had on hand, in my forensically organized stock cupboard (I make crisps and crumbles quite often). Cost of the shop was £1.89 for the beer, £5.86 for the frozen fruit, and £1 for the apples.
The biggest excitement of my shop was that when I arrived at the supermarket, there were three police cars outside and a bunch of policemen were arresting a shoplifter. Then when I was leaving, the same policemen were there, arresting a different shoplifter. Given the geographic distance I doubt this was the Essex Celebrity Squad, but you never know.
Nowhere in the recipe does it say to defrost the berries, if you are using frozen berries. I left the bag on the counter for an hour.
The first step is to chop the apples, dump them in a saucepan, add the berries and a tablespoon of sugar, and top it with the beer. This produces a nasty-looking mess that smells absolutely vile. The recipe neglects to mention the vital step of actually mixing all of this together, but I took the daring step of doing just that.
The instructions say to bring this evil concoction to a boil, "watching carefully as beer can get a bit excitable when heated". I had zero idea of what excited beer looks like. But I can now tell you that when mixed with fruit, it produces a pink foam that looks like some kind of ladies' "personal care" product from the 1970s.
This was then left to simmer, while I went on to the next step: the topping.
The first step is to chop the apples, dump them in a saucepan, add the berries and a tablespoon of sugar, and top it with the beer. This produces a nasty-looking mess that smells absolutely vile. The recipe neglects to mention the vital step of actually mixing all of this together, but I took the daring step of doing just that.
The instructions say to bring this evil concoction to a boil, "watching carefully as beer can get a bit excitable when heated". I had zero idea of what excited beer looks like. But I can now tell you that when mixed with fruit, it produces a pink foam that looks like some kind of ladies' "personal care" product from the 1970s.
This was then left to simmer, while I went on to the next step: the topping.
The topping has the standard ingredients for a crisp or crumble topping: flour, butter, sugar, and oats. The recipe doesn't specify which kinds of oats to use, which is important in this type of dish (don't ask me how I know this 
). I used quick-cooking oats which is one of the kinds that will work. What rapidly became apparent, as I worked the butter into the rest of the ingredients, was that there was far too little butter to make a proper topping. The recipe says the butter should be worked into the ingredients until the mixture resembles "fine breadcrumbs". After 10 mins of mixing, it looked like......light brown flour with a few random flecks of butter.
Also, most crisps or crumbles have cinnamon or nutmeg in the topping, to punch the flavour up. But despite the 10,000-odd spice containers in Jack's spendy kitchen, there are no spices in this recipe.
I knew that more mixing was not going to improve the topping. There just wasn't enough butter in it. But I had to follow the recipe, so on to the next step.
). I used quick-cooking oats which is one of the kinds that will work. What rapidly became apparent, as I worked the butter into the rest of the ingredients, was that there was far too little butter to make a proper topping. The recipe says the butter should be worked into the ingredients until the mixture resembles "fine breadcrumbs". After 10 mins of mixing, it looked like......light brown flour with a few random flecks of butter.Also, most crisps or crumbles have cinnamon or nutmeg in the topping, to punch the flavour up. But despite the 10,000-odd spice containers in Jack's spendy kitchen, there are no spices in this recipe.
I knew that more mixing was not going to improve the topping. There just wasn't enough butter in it. But I had to follow the recipe, so on to the next step.
The recipe says to scoop the fruit out of the boiled beery sauce, put the fruit in the baking dish, and spread the topping on it. The fruit barely filled up one-third of the height of the "deep" baking dish. If Jack really made her recipe in the dish in the photo, there would hardly be enough fruit to cover the entire bottom. But then when I added the topping....there was too much. If I had put it all in, it would have been tumbling over the sides of the dish in the oven. So the proportion of fruit to topping is seriously out of whack.
Here's what went into the oven
and here's what was left behind. A substantial amount of topping and a saucepan of beery fruit juice. I fished a leftover blueberry out of the saucepan, and it tasted so sour I had to wash my mouth out with some water.
I won't comment on the absurdity of "budget" cooking leaving this much unused......
Here's what went into the oven
and here's what was left behind. A substantial amount of topping and a saucepan of beery fruit juice. I fished a leftover blueberry out of the saucepan, and it tasted so sour I had to wash my mouth out with some water.
I won't comment on the absurdity of "budget" cooking leaving this much unused......
The instructions were to bake at 180c for 30 minutes "or until the top is golden and crisp". There was absolutely no way the topping was going to turn out "crisp" unless the kitchen caught on fire. So I gave it 35 minutes, keeping in mind that my oven tends to run a bit hot. After 35 minutes the top was somewhat browner and the fruit was bubbling, but I could still draw my finger through the topping like drawing a line in sand.
I couldn't be arsed to get any fancy wallpaper for the beauty shot, so here's a bowl of the finished product, sitting on some old brown parcel paper that was lying around. Not a Jack-size spoon but an actual teaspoon.
My OH and I had one spoonful each, and that was more than enough. The fruit reeked of beer, was mushy, and tasted horrid, and the topping was completely dry. I'm very grateful that my OH didn't LEAVE after this.
The final resting place of the entire sorry mess, in a composting bag. I hope the alcohol in the beer will help everything return to the earth from whence it came.
I couldn't be arsed to get any fancy wallpaper for the beauty shot, so here's a bowl of the finished product, sitting on some old brown parcel paper that was lying around. Not a Jack-size spoon but an actual teaspoon.
My OH and I had one spoonful each, and that was more than enough. The fruit reeked of beer, was mushy, and tasted horrid, and the topping was completely dry. I'm very grateful that my OH didn't LEAVE after this.
The final resting place of the entire sorry mess, in a composting bag. I hope the alcohol in the beer will help everything return to the earth from whence it came.
The verdict: I can pretty much guarantee that no one tested this recipe, because the proportions of both parts are way out of whack. And I really don't want to know what was going on in Jack's head to make her think that beer and berries would taste good together, much less boiled together.
My rating: HELL NO. Vile = 1.
I would like to add that although the Slopalong is great fun, making this recipe made me really angry. A crisp or crumble is very simple to create, and it doesn't have to cost a lot. Jack is supposedly helping people with limited budgets, and this recipe was so bad that all of it ended up in the compost. Not a bit of it was salveageable or edible. If someone had spent part of their weekly shopping money on this, even when fresh fruit was in season and maybe a bit cheaper, they would have wasted every penny of that spend. Jack isn't just a pov cosplayer, she's giving vulnerable people really crappy advice and actually *costing* them money rather than saving it.
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All you SLOPSTARS - utterly amazing work!
You've really laid down the gauntlet. I'm not sure when I'll do mine, it might have to be next week. I'm trying to do it furtively
You've really laid down the gauntlet. I'm not sure when I'll do mine, it might have to be next week. I'm trying to do it furtively
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