Slopalong: Cooking with Jack Monroe

[Blair-Waldorf]

@Blair-Waldorf I can't get enough of this 5 minute thing

I think you’ve mentioned the wrong Blair but x

 

[OwlChampagne]

Microwave mac’n’cheese appealed to me because of its simplicity. There’s even a helpful video on the BBC goodfood website where Jack takes a burning greasy mug out of the microwave and explains to the concerned presenter that she has ‘asbestos fingers’. Then she tries to move the mug using a piece of kitchen towel. Anyway, I digress.

View attachment 1707070
I used penne instead of macaroni (allowed) and an old piece of Comté instead of cheddar (my own substitution). Other than that you need chicken stock, Marmite or spinach, and butter. The recipe says you need a large mug, so there was only one option here; to clean out the Sports Direct mug which normally holds my printer ink cartridges.

View attachment 1707082
A rather complex process follows where you put the pasta and stock in the mug, cover it in cling film with a container or bowl under it, and blast it repeatedly in the microwave for 2 mins each time, until cooked. But here’s the twist: the recipe says that after every burst you need to take off the cling film, and pour the overflowed boiling greasy stock from the container back into the burning mug.

View attachment 1707094
After three bursts of 2 mins, the pasta was still on the hard side of al dente but I’d had enough of the palaver of transferring the hot liquid.

View attachment 1707108
Stirring in the cheese, butter and Marmite turns it into a gloopy mess, but to be fair that’s normal for mac’n’cheese. With the Marmite it was incredibly salty, and I could only eat 3 spoonfuls. It might have been better with spinach. I’ve since drunk two pints of water as I felt I needed to flush out my system.

(There’s also a work slop version, where you pre-soak the pasta in stock and take the cheese, oil instead of butter, and spinach or Marmite in a separate container, to cook in your office microwave. This process wouldn’t have gone down well in my office. But it’s not going to happen).

Verdict: 2 = terrible. It would have been less of a health and safety issue, and much less messy, to cook it in a saucepan. This thread is very entertaining and well organised, and as a tribute I will donate £20 worth of food to my local food bank.

Another excellent spoon choice (and actually, 3 of those is quite a lot so you did very well to choke it down)

 

[Notmycat]

I think you’ve mentioned the wrong Blair but x

Apologies @Blair-Waldorf , it should have been @BlairWaldorf86.

I did a chaos

 

[People-huv-tae-know]

Something is simmering
My slop cake is in the oven. For a bloody hour! I've done pics along the way but I'll do a proper post once it's baked and cooled.

 

[binkbonk]

@MavisBeacon pina colada bread

"optimum temperature"
Did anyone read this book before publishing?

"Stressed and calling for mercy" is what I expect to be after making the pickin balls tomorrow, all things going badly well. I was at a relatives house last night and am travelling home today. The Lidl spam and M&S curry have been rolling around in my bag like an ominous threat.

 

[Falkor]

I've stuck myself down for the Sprout Scones, will pick up some fresh sprouts when I'm next in town as I only have frozen here.

I think we could have a great party game where someone posts a list of ingredients and the rest of us have to guess whether it's a Jack recipe or a Slopbot invention!

 

[Emmapism]

You guys, every one of Jack's books has been checked multiple times by at least THREE home economists. If they're poor then I'm afraid every single one of you is wrong.

I mean it's not like she lied, is it?

 

[People-huv-tae-know]

Lovely man (are you a man?) I have those thank[space]you. In my determination to be fair, I thought I should try and see if the recipe appeared in a book especially as 1) the blog recipe does not list oil in the list of ingredients for the ragu and I was (probably naively) hopeful this obvious error would have been corrected in the print version; and 2) this recipe elicited some very angry responses from the squigs which I assumed were book related.

But I guess the squigs were just angry about the whole kickstarter debacle.

So I shall press on, using the ingredients in the recipe and the method from DKL.

I particularly love the bit in this ep of DKL when she implies Matt would be a bit handsy if it weren’t for social distancing and he is all WHAT THE duck??!!

here are the angry squigs (there are several posts from angry ‘this looks dire’ squig)

View attachment 1704425View attachment 1704426

Lost the use of her hands but can still tweet prolifically.

 

[Shimmering]

FROZEN SLOP UPDATE - Peanut butter frozen yoghurt

so this was the version from the blog:

vs my version

Attractive looking, isn't it?

As per the blog instructions I tipped it out and served it in slices

My other SB had made brownies so I had my slice with some brownie that had been stuck to the tin:

Verdict:

Three of us had slices with our brownie. Two of us finished it and the other SB refused as it was too peanutty. Fair enough. Other SB said it was only nice when mixed with the brownie and he wouldn't eat it by itself.

My verdict? I mean, it's edible so that's a positive, right? It tastes better frozen than it did before freezing, another positive! But it's pretty bland and blah. I basically quadrupled the sugar in Jack's recipe, and she says she doesn't use any sugar at all in hers

I'm going to give this a 2. It's not dire, but it's just not worth even the minimal effort it takes to make it. A waste of yoghurt and peanut butter. Zero effort has gone into creating this recipe.

A fifth of her measurements is way too much (with our 3 slices eaten there's still well over half left) so thank god I didn't make the 800g of this sludge that her recipe is for.

 

[NellieBoo]

I chose the brie and bacon risotto as I thought it would be reasonably edible rather than wasting food. There are two versions of this, one on her website and one in AGCJ.

First, like a hunter-gatherer, I sourced the ingredients. The recipe doesn’t specify what kind of rice (as they are all interchangeable) but is costed using long-grain white rice. I only had Basmati so that was what I used. I also had the stock cube, onion and cranberry sauce.

Sainsbury’s had the cooking bacon, but the essentials Brie was out of stock. There is no parsley in my garden so I bought some.
View attachment 1706344

There are two pictures of this recipe: neither matches up to the instructions given.
View attachment 1706351
This picture from the website shows the cheese (only 20g per portion) as a garnish rather than swirled in, and rather less than half a handful of parsley.
In AGCJ:
View attachment 1706358
The cheese garnish has been replaced by cranberry sauce (again, the recipe calls for it to be swirled in) and there’s still almost no parsley.

Time to sling the slop! With advice from the canal, I used the book recipe and quantities.

First, chop the bacon and rinse. The website says rinse for five!!!!! minutes but I’m on a water meter so duck that. i rinsed it thoroughly, then put it together with the onion in a cold pan.

View attachment 1706366
As should be obvious to any slopslinger, wet bacon in a cold dry pan with onions will exude water as well as fat, so the onions will taste boiled.

Once the onions are cooked, we add the rice and toast it a bit in the watery fat. Delicious!
View attachment 1706372
Next add half the stock, allow to absorb and add the rest gradually until the rice is just about al dente.
View attachment 1706374
Boiled bacon! Delectable.
Next, swirl in the Brie and the cranberry sauce, and top with the parsley. So much parsley, but that’s the recipe.

View attachment 1706375

Not having any wallpaper, I improvised with the wrapper from a Who Gives a Crap bogroll, as it felt somehow appropriate.

The result was… not good. Not awful - it’s edible - but it could be so much better without compromising on cost.

The Brie and cranberry sauce are completely overpowered by the stock, the huge amount of parsley, the bland rice and the boiled onions. The bacon is tasteless and chewy, and the rice isn’t creamy like arborio would be.

Some wine/lemon juice/pepper/butter would have helped but they are not in the recipe so I didn’t add them. I’m not going to waste this but equally I can’t eat it as it is, so it’s going in the fridge and I’ll add a few things and make arancini with it later.

In Jack’s favour, this does make two generous portions of about 475 calories each.

Verdict: Tasteless slop with chewy bits.

I don't want to cast aspersions on your cooking ability dearheart, you were following the recipe after all. But I'm a silly old ninnie and completely forgot to get the most important thing when I went shopping earlier - Dog food. I could have gone back out but the feral lil local urchins are going wild with fireworks, I daren't take the risk. So I cooked my dogs favourite of chicken, rice and veg in the pressure cooker. I'm not seeing an awful lot of difference .

 

[overdueanadventure]

Here goes - Jack Monroe's "Cuban-inspired Beef, Red and Black bean stew".

Spoiler: Part 1

Channelling Jack, a couple of days ago I swung a rucksack over my dessicated shoulder (I didn’t and I don't.) and walked through wind and rain (I stopped off when I was driving home from work) to Asda (Lidl, cos duck you, Asda-shill Jack) in a state of anticipation and glee.

My painstaking stocktake of the cupboards at home had instilled in me the certainty of a thousand Jacks who’ve just announced their fathers are Marxist Leninists: I could do this, I could gather provisions for a slop!

It takes practice and experience to get this good at top-up shopping, so don’t feel bad if you can’t do it yet. I knew I had onions, oil, cumin, dried herbs & chillis, salt, pepper and white vinegar at home already, so you know, FORENSIC. (If anyone cares, I did check the prices of the herbs & spices at Lidl and they were between 69 – 75p per pot.)

I made sure to palm all the goods, feeling the heft of the tins, testing the hnngh of the vegetables. My purchases for this endeavour amounted to £4.83.

To balance my karma or chakras or conscience for my upcoming, potential(!) (let’s not pre-judge) food waste crimes, I bought some extra tins which I stuck in the foodbank collection on the way out.

Jack costed hers at 95p per portion. I think mine worked out about the same but honestly couldn't be arsed to figure out the salt/pepper etc. Just using the tins and veg, it worked out at 91p per portion.

Spoiler: Part 2

At home, in a dramatic climb-down from my self-declared shopping brilliance, I realised belatedly that I had bought Lidl’s chilli-spiced kidney beans instead of plain. Fortunately I had some Aldi red kidney beans to substitute from the cupboard.

This does NOT undermine my claims of forensic stocktaking because I bought the new kidney beans in order that my stock of ingredients can ROLL on. duck off x.

I laid out my ingredients for the crucial performative photo opportunity.

Spoiler: Part 3 - The inevitable sad life story anecdote

Now I’m not really a confident cook – as a SINGLE MOTHER I did all the cooking for years, but I mostly stick to things I know and that I know will get eaten. I also came from a home where my SINGLE MOTHER didn’t really like cooking and was exhausted from working full-time in a manual job – let’s just say when I left home washing lettuce came as a surprise to me.

Are we getting the violins out yet?

So I was, in the past anyway, possibly just the audience Jack is aiming at.

Spoiler: Part 4 - OK, to business.

Finely chop veg. Yes, done.
Grate carrot. Yes, done.
Grate those fat lil chubby cloves of garlic? Seemed a scary enterprise as I once grated my finger and have the physical memory of it engrained, but OK, done.

All in the pan, with the oil and salt. Flash-marinade? If you say so.

I obediently got my mise en place, washed the red kidney beans, and boiled the kettle.

And because this is a 15 minute of cooking dish, I got my timer out. 2 minutes heating the veg, then chuck in all the beans, tomatoes (chopped in the tin with a sharp knife), and the stewed beef.

Then herbs, cumin, chilli, black pepper and stock cube go in, followed by boiling water. Here I had a crisis of confidence? How much water?! No clue. No instruction. I put in about 200ml. Too much? Who knows?

Stirred, lid on and 12 minutes on the highest heat.

Then it sits for 20 minutes to think about what it’s done.

I suggest this 20 minutes should be for self-care.

Spoiler: Part 5

OK, back in the room. I lifted the lid, it did not look appetising. It kind of looks like frogs trying to escape a swamp.

I give it a stir.

She wants me to blend a quarter of it – well, it’s optional, but I’m trying to follow as I feel she’d want, so off we go.

duck that looks disgusting.

Back it goes into the rest of it. And now the final minute of heating to make it HOT HOT.

Spoiler: Part 6 - Right then!

to try it...

I feel all kinds of sad to be honest, looking at it, but it’s not horrible in taste.

Quite sloppy, as you’d expect, but edible.

I fed it to son as punishment for gaming all afternoon. (He's adult son now, so don't feel overly sorry for him ).

He said, diplomatically, when I discovered his bowl still full and cold, "it was OK, not my favourite consistency or favourite flavours. I kind of filled up on the bread & butter."

He seemed relieved when I told him I'd done it for an internet bet.

Score - I'm feeling generous so 3, Middle Class.

Spoiler: Epilogue

At no point did she tell me when to put in the vinegar, so it stayed out.

I did work out the calories and it comes to 398 kcal per portion.

Thank you, as ever, for your consideration.

 

[Shimmering]

Update: my other SB (who ate the frozen slop) has let me know he feels violently ill due to the PBFY and says it's the worst thing I've ever made.

I swear I'm not making this up!

 

[teddypupper]

Hi everyone. I have been a longtime lurker on the Monroe threads but have to delurk to telly all that you are the wittiest, cleverest, most hilarious group. I've slightly peed reading this slop along thread. My stomach hurts from loudly cackling. Y'all should have your own cooking show.

 

[WhyYouCry?]

Here goes - Jack Monroe's "Cuban-inspired Beef, Red and Black bean stew".

Spoiler: Part 1

Channelling Jack, a couple of days ago I swung a rucksack over my dessicated shoulder (I didn’t and I don't.) and walked through wind and rain (I stopped off when I was driving home from work) to Asda (Lidl, cos duck you, Asda-shill Jack) in a state of anticipation and glee.

My painstaking stocktake of the cupboards at home had instilled in me the certainty of a thousand Jacks who’ve just announced their fathers are Marxist Leninists: I could do this, I could gather provisions for a slop!

It takes practice and experience to get this good at top-up shopping, so don’t feel bad if you can’t do it yet. I knew I had onions, oil, cumin, dried herbs & chillis, salt, pepper and white vinegar at home already, so you know, FORENSIC. (If anyone cares, I did check the prices of the herbs & spices at Lidl and they were between 69 – 75p per pot.)

I made sure to palm all the goods, feeling the heft of the tins, testing the hnngh of the vegetables. My purchases for this endeavour amounted to £4.83.

To balance my karma or chakras or conscience for my upcoming, potential(!) (let’s not pre-judge) food waste crimes, I bought some extra tins which I stuck in the foodbank collection on the way out.

Jack costed hers at 95p per portion. I think mine worked out about the same but honestly couldn't be arsed to figure out the salt/pepper etc. Just using the tins and veg, it worked out at 91p per portion.

Spoiler: Part 2

At home, in a dramatic climb-down from my self-declared shopping brilliance, I realised belatedly that I had bought Lidl’s chilli-spiced kidney beans instead of plain. Fortunately I had some Aldi red kidney beans to substitute from the cupboard.

This does NOT undermine my claims of forensic stocktaking because I bought the new kidney beans in order that my stock of ingredients can ROLL on. duck off x.

I laid out my ingredients for the crucial performative photo opportunity.

View attachment 1707272

Spoiler: Part 3 - The inevitable sad life story anecdote

Now I’m not really a confident cook – as a SINGLE MOTHER I did all the cooking for years, but I mostly stick to things I know and that I know will get eaten. I also came from a home where my SINGLE MOTHER didn’t really like cooking and was exhausted from working full-time in a manual job – let’s just say when I left home washing lettuce came as a surprise to me.

Are we getting the violins out yet?

So I was, in the past anyway, possibly just the audience Jack is aiming at.

Spoiler: Part 4 - OK, to business.

Finely chop veg. Yes, done.
Grate carrot. Yes, done.
Grate those fat lil chubby cloves of garlic? Seemed a scary enterprise as I once grated my finger and have the physical memory of it engrained, but OK, done.

All in the pan, with the oil and salt. Flash-marinade? If you say so.

View attachment 1707281

I obediently got my mise en place, washed the red kidney beans, and boiled the kettle.

View attachment 1707284

And because this is a 15 minute of cooking dish, I got my timer out. 2 minutes heating the veg, then chuck in all the beans, tomatoes (chopped in the tin with a sharp knife), and the stewed beef.

Then herbs, cumin, chilli, black pepper and stock cube go in, followed by boiling water. Here I had a crisis of confidence? How much water?! No clue. No instruction. I put in about 200ml. Too much? Who knows?

Stirred, lid on and 12 minutes on the highest heat.

Then it sits for 20 minutes to think about what it’s done.

I suggest this 20 minutes should be for self-care.

Spoiler: Part 5

OK, back in the room. I lifted the lid, it did not look appetising. It kind of looks like frogs trying to escape a swamp.

View attachment 1707288

I give it a stir.

She wants me to blend a quarter of it – well, it’s optional, but I’m trying to follow as I feel she’d want, so off we go.

View attachment 1707298

duck that looks disgusting.

Back it goes into the rest of it. And now the final minute of heating to make it HOT HOT.

Spoiler: Part 6 - Right then!

to try it...

I feel all kinds of sad to be honest, looking at it, but it’s not horrible in taste.

View attachment 1707398

Quite sloppy, as you’d expect, but edible.

I fed it to son as punishment for gaming all afternoon. (He's adult son now, so don't feel overly sorry for him ).

He said, diplomatically, when I discovered his bowl still full and cold, "it was OK, not my favourite consistency or favourite flavours. I kind of filled up on the bread & butter."

He seemed relieved when I told him I'd done it for an internet bet.

Score - I'm feeling generous so 3, Middle Class.

Spoiler: Epilogue

View attachment 1707314

At no point did she tell me when to put in the vinegar, so it stayed out.

View attachment 1707331

I did work out the calories and it comes to 398 kcal per portion.

Thank you, as ever, for your consideration.

Spoiler 5 with the boiling frogs had me owl champagning. chapeau!

I cannot wait. Mr Beacon will be cooking while I bark instructions and do commentary. I am so intrigued to see what a half soda bread half yeasted bread comes out like. I suspect disgusting

Im going to have to wait until my Old Harold is out of the house to cook mine. He’s a proper ‘foodie’ and if he sees it in progress he won’t be able to resist trying to add things to make it actually edible. Better to just serve it up to him in all its glory when he returns!

 

[Hold my beans]

@overdueanadventure and @Shimmering 10/10 for effort and 11/10 for entertainment awarded to you both. Hope you're not up all night with your sons being violently sick.

 

[NellieBoo]

Here goes - Jack Monroe's "Cuban-inspired Beef, Red and Black bean stew".

Spoiler: Part 1

Channelling Jack, a couple of days ago I swung a rucksack over my dessicated shoulder (I didn’t and I don't.) and walked through wind and rain (I stopped off when I was driving home from work) to Asda (Lidl, cos duck you, Asda-shill Jack) in a state of anticipation and glee.

My painstaking stocktake of the cupboards at home had instilled in me the certainty of a thousand Jacks who’ve just announced their fathers are Marxist Leninists: I could do this, I could gather provisions for a slop!

It takes practice and experience to get this good at top-up shopping, so don’t feel bad if you can’t do it yet. I knew I had onions, oil, cumin, dried herbs & chillis, salt, pepper and white vinegar at home already, so you know, FORENSIC. (If anyone cares, I did check the prices of the herbs & spices at Lidl and they were between 69 – 75p per pot.)

I made sure to palm all the goods, feeling the heft of the tins, testing the hnngh of the vegetables. My purchases for this endeavour amounted to £4.83.

To balance my karma or chakras or conscience for my upcoming, potential(!) (let’s not pre-judge) food waste crimes, I bought some extra tins which I stuck in the foodbank collection on the way out.

Jack costed hers at 95p per portion. I think mine worked out about the same but honestly couldn't be arsed to figure out the salt/pepper etc. Just using the tins and veg, it worked out at 91p per portion.

Spoiler: Part 2

At home, in a dramatic climb-down from my self-declared shopping brilliance, I realised belatedly that I had bought Lidl’s chilli-spiced kidney beans instead of plain. Fortunately I had some Aldi red kidney beans to substitute from the cupboard.

This does NOT undermine my claims of forensic stocktaking because I bought the new kidney beans in order that my stock of ingredients can ROLL on. duck off x.

I laid out my ingredients for the crucial performative photo opportunity.

View attachment 1707272

Spoiler: Part 3 - The inevitable sad life story anecdote

Now I’m not really a confident cook – as a SINGLE MOTHER I did all the cooking for years, but I mostly stick to things I know and that I know will get eaten. I also came from a home where my SINGLE MOTHER didn’t really like cooking and was exhausted from working full-time in a manual job – let’s just say when I left home washing lettuce came as a surprise to me.

Are we getting the violins out yet?

So I was, in the past anyway, possibly just the audience Jack is aiming at.

Spoiler: Part 4 - OK, to business.

Finely chop veg. Yes, done.
Grate carrot. Yes, done.
Grate those fat lil chubby cloves of garlic? Seemed a scary enterprise as I once grated my finger and have the physical memory of it engrained, but OK, done.

All in the pan, with the oil and salt. Flash-marinade? If you say so.

View attachment 1707281

I obediently got my mise en place, washed the red kidney beans, and boiled the kettle.

View attachment 1707284

And because this is a 15 minute of cooking dish, I got my timer out. 2 minutes heating the veg, then chuck in all the beans, tomatoes (chopped in the tin with a sharp knife), and the stewed beef.

Then herbs, cumin, chilli, black pepper and stock cube go in, followed by boiling water. Here I had a crisis of confidence? How much water?! No clue. No instruction. I put in about 200ml. Too much? Who knows?

Stirred, lid on and 12 minutes on the highest heat.

Then it sits for 20 minutes to think about what it’s done.

I suggest this 20 minutes should be for self-care.

Spoiler: Part 5

OK, back in the room. I lifted the lid, it did not look appetising. It kind of looks like frogs trying to escape a swamp.

View attachment 1707288

I give it a stir.

She wants me to blend a quarter of it – well, it’s optional, but I’m trying to follow as I feel she’d want, so off we go.

View attachment 1707298

duck that looks disgusting.

Back it goes into the rest of it. And now the final minute of heating to make it HOT HOT.

Spoiler: Part 6 - Right then!

to try it...

I feel all kinds of sad to be honest, looking at it, but it’s not horrible in taste.

View attachment 1707398

Quite sloppy, as you’d expect, but edible.

I fed it to son as punishment for gaming all afternoon. (He's adult son now, so don't feel overly sorry for him ).

He said, diplomatically, when I discovered his bowl still full and cold, "it was OK, not my favourite consistency or favourite flavours. I kind of filled up on the bread & butter."

He seemed relieved when I told him I'd done it for an internet bet.

Score - I'm feeling generous so 3, Middle Class.

Spoiler: Epilogue

View attachment 1707314

At no point did she tell me when to put in the vinegar, so it stayed out.

View attachment 1707331

I did work out the calories and it comes to 398 kcal per portion.

Thank you, as ever, for your consideration.

Well done dearheart on your commitment and well done for raising such a diplomatic young man.

This though, is (one of) my aneurysms with Jack. You could make homemade steak bakes, potato (chips, mash) and veg/baked beans for the same cost with the knowledge that everyone will eat something.

 

[Shimmering]

@overdueanadventure and @Shimmering 10/10 for effort and 11/10 for entertainment awarded to you both. Hope you're not up all night with your sons being violently sick.

He's fine! Just a tad dramatic at times, sorry should have made that clearer

 

[People-huv-tae-know]

Right, the loaf is done and the verdict is in. First, the process and the recipe, with which I found a few issues.

Here I have my ingredients plus a couple of passive aggressive bonus ones.

The oil method was disgusting and messy. Personally I would prefer to use parchment paper in the tin. But as per the recipe I did use two fingers dipped in oil.

It's not clear if she means mash the bananas with the side of the fork, I assume not because it's impossible. Amazingly or not, the oily banana mixture does resemble a horrid mess.

Next, I had to prep the white powder/MSG/baking powder. I knew my old Tesco club card would come in handy one day.

Next add white powders to the banana oil gloop.

Then add flour in two stages, why I do not know. The addition of all the water made it extra runny

Fold in the raspberries and look how much it resembles vomit.

Baked for an hour and look how bloody flat it is! Despite the oven being at the right temp and following the recipe properly. It looks nothing like Jack's photo. I felt gaslight by the recipe, what did I do wrong?

It looks well baked on the outside but don't let that fool you. The inside is raw and gummy as I feared it would be It also tastes quite bland despite the berries. They do not pack a flavour punch and even after 10 minutes of cooling, the berries are burning hot. Overall it tastes of banana and not much else.

The verdict is




PS, typical Jack at the end of this recipe.

So overall, a waste of time, ingredients and an hour's worth of fuel. Husband not impressed as my food is usually tasty. I'm off to get pished now! A medicinal whisky to rejuvenate my taste buds should do the trick.

 

[NellieBoo]

He's fine! Just a tad dramatic at times, sorry should have made that clearer

My son is like that. Show him what he could have had .

 

[Geetbo]

So far the slopalong is everything I wanted and more.

Tomorrow I shall grate corned beef.