Slopalong: Cooking with Jack Monroe

[Funsizes]

Thank you MCM for pointing me in the right direction I will hunt for something specially sloppy to cook

 

[Ellabella]

@Ellabella southern fried chicken livers

"Thinly slice the chicken livers"?
Does she mean horizontally or vertically do you think? Tiny slivers of liver, yum.

 

[WhyYouCry?]

‘Tiny slivers of liver’ is a combination of words I never want to see again

 

[Notmycat]

@Notmycat - according to her blog, Ultimate Lasagne is in CoaBS but doesn’t seem to appear in the recipe list. Can you confirm please dear heart?

Also I have all my ingredients (had to go to M&S for fresh thyme as Lidl didn’t have it) so will be cooking tomorrow.

In her blog and on the bbc website, horse spunk lasagne involves making a béchamel sauce. But I feel in the interests of authenticity I should follow the method she used in DKL which patently won’t work.

@VeniVidiVicki so so sorry to disappoint you, I checked Cooking on a Bootstrap and it's not in the pasta section, so I checked the index at the back, under L for lasagne and under U for ultimate, just in case but it was not to be. My sympathies to you.

See index from the back of the book

 

[Captainmouse]

The rinsed beans are not happy

 

[shugabug23]

@binkbonk Ireland is severely lacking in tinned goods needed for the Slopathon (I don’t know whether to be thankful or not!) I’ve been back two years and still can’t find tinned potatoes for a recipe of mine.

This thread is giving me life btw. How, HOW has she 7 cookbooks?! I so badly want to send this thread to her fecking publisher and agent and be like “take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror if this is what you’re publishing” because I guarantee ya they’ve never ever read one of these ‘recipes’.

I’ve worked with kids for years and their made up play doh recipes seem more thought out than these…

 

[That Forensic Man]

@VeniVidiVicki so so sorry to disappoint you, I checked Cooking on a Bootstrap and it's not in the pasta section, so I checked the index at the back, under L for lasagne and under U for ultimate, just in case but it was not to be. My sympathies to you.

See index from the back of the book

@VeniVidiVicki is this what you're looking for?

Ultimate Lasagne, 40p [VG/V/DF]

This beautiful lasagne barely needs an introduction, as when I posted it on my Instagram last month, it received rapturous demands for the recipe. Good things come to those who wait, and her…

cookingonabootstrap.com

ETA here's the DKL method

 

[House of Carbonara]

@VeniVidiVicki is this what you're looking for?

Ultimate Lasagne, 40p [VG/V/DF]

This beautiful lasagne barely needs an introduction, as when I posted it on my Instagram last month, it received rapturous demands for the recipe. Good things come to those who wait, and her…

cookingonabootstrap.com

Rapturous demands? Really? From people who have had their taste surgically removed, maybe? Ffs, woman. Get back in your box, and stop talking rubbish.

Hello Frauen,
Just wanted to pop on to say thank you for this thread, it is getting me through the hell that is covid!
Thank you all for your hard work and devotion to the cause!
Much love an actual German Frau (hope that isn't too )!

Ohohoh, a real live proper German Frau!
Firstly, sorry you are dealing with Covid, and I hope you'll get over it quickly. Fingers crossed!
Secondly, might I add that although I am not even remotely German-adjacent, I do consider myself a prudent Swabian Hausfrau (just peek inside my cupboards).
Also, hello and welcome to this nice corner of the internet, dear .

 

[InTheVillage]

I like that she specifies it would go nicely with chopped, cooked bacon. Here’s me eating raw bacon for years like a fool.

Thanks for pointing that out! I was going to stir it in raw at the end

 

[HaveTinCanRattle]

Thank(space)you for posting that DKL segment again @That Forensic Man

I defy anyone not to laugh when she adds the white sauce layer. Gets me owl champagning every single time.

 

[That Forensic Man]

Show me the list. Allocate if you must. I’m ready.

How does *checks notes* breakfast sardines, spinach, and a mug-baked-egg, 71p (MICROWAVE) grab you?
Microwaved eggs are known to explode. WARNED.

Breakfast sardines, spinach, and a mug-baked-egg, 71p (MICROWAVE)

Baking eggs in the microwave is an egg-splosive roulette, where every second and wattage seems to count! I’ve done it for a few days running now, to try to test the waters before sharing my accrued…

cookingonabootstrap.com

My mistake this morning was using a mug with a skinny bottom, and the microwave pressure built up in the smaller space, and the egg made a run for it.

 

[colouredlines]

Given that Jack's Black Forest Traybake just asks for "red jam", I'd be tempted to try it with this:

Sadly I don't know any nearby Germans, or I'd invite them over for some authentic Black Forest tomato slop.

 

[WhyYouCry?]

@VeniVidiVicki is this what you're looking for?

Ultimate Lasagne, 40p [VG/V/DF]

This beautiful lasagne barely needs an introduction, as when I posted it on my Instagram last month, it received rapturous demands for the recipe. Good things come to those who wait, and her…

cookingonabootstrap.com

ETA here's the DKL method

Oh LJC. My bum hole started to clench as soon as she mentioned the words ‘white sauce’ and I’m not sure when it will recover.
Also, Matt is far too nice to her.
Also also… all ingredients appear to be interchangeable.

 

[Fruitjack]

Thank you avoided it for over 2 years. But it's properly hit me, probably because of asthma. But my dearest OH (who has yet to leave me) is waiting on me hand and foot and will be cooking some not-slop for dinner, so I'm sure that will help!


Going to some more and say that I actually went to school in Southend (unfortunately the other grammar school so I don't have any tea, but probably fortunate for me! This is why I found Jack so interesting at the beginning, but now I see the grift! ) so the random German words make me chuckle.

To bring back on topic, has Jack done any German themed recipes which I could recreate (perhaps a Stollen, something involving Sauerkraut? (Although for the latter I do have to add a disclaimer that I will refuse to taste test myself as Sauerkraut is the work of the devil imo)

Oh dear heart, despite being a literal expert in cooking, Jack thinks that sauerkraut is a pickle so is unlikely to be using it. This was my aneurysm. Not the grifting, not the lies, not the Patreon, not the Teemill, not the flying monkeys, not the snippy responses, the co-opting other identities and all the other dreadful acts. The fact that she told a squig to pickle some cabbage to make sauerkraut. We all have our breaking point.

 

[OwlChampagne]

Two potatoes or 2x 500g tinned potatoes... gotta find monster 500g each potatoes! Wasn't someone saying she said 2 potatoes were the equivalent of 40g in another recipe. WFK!

Found it again!

Moroccan Not-A-Tagine

This tagine uses my three staple spices – turmeric, cumin and paprika – to deliver a gorgeous sweet and spicy dinner. I made it for Xanthe Clay from the Daily Telegraph when she visited for an arti…

cookingonabootstrap.com

Sadly, I think it's probably just a typo and she means 400g. So. Many. Stupid. Mistakes. In all her recipes makes me really annoyed.

 

[mince]

@VeniVidiVicki is this what you're looking for?

Ultimate Lasagne, 40p [VG/V/DF]

This beautiful lasagne barely needs an introduction, as when I posted it on my Instagram last month, it received rapturous demands for the recipe. Good things come to those who wait, and her…

cookingonabootstrap.com

ETA here's the DKL method

‘Ultimate’ lasagne. Ultimate. I need to sit with that awhile. Ultimate.

Big thanks to the Frauens who posted about proper Spanish spinach and chickpeas: two favourites. I’ve looked up some recipes and am on it like something enthusiastic is on something it’s enthusiastic about (am all out of similes, but thank you)

 

[Grizzlybear]

@Sweetpea2 black forest traybake

RED JAM?!?!!

 

[FlirtyThirty]

@VeniVidiVicki is this what you're looking for?

Ultimate Lasagne, 40p [VG/V/DF]

This beautiful lasagne barely needs an introduction, as when I posted it on my Instagram last month, it received rapturous demands for the recipe. Good things come to those who wait, and her…

cookingonabootstrap.com

ETA here's the DKL method

That’s the first time I watched that. Genuinely thought she was putting sawdust in it…and did anyone see any trace of post oven spunk sauce because it looked like it had evaporated to me…!!

 

[DragonBoy]

@VeniVidiVicki is this what you're looking for?

Ultimate Lasagne, 40p [VG/V/DF]

This beautiful lasagne barely needs an introduction, as when I posted it on my Instagram last month, it received rapturous demands for the recipe. Good things come to those who wait, and her…

cookingonabootstrap.com

ETA here's the DKL method

OMFG. I‘d forgotten how bad it was. She was truly awful. Completely out of her depth. Running around like a deranged badger. Awful. And hilarious.

 

[threetintender]

Evening lovely ninnies, this thread has given me life all day! I thought that despite telling Geetbo I’d set my kitchen on fire to avoid having to make any slop, I might just give one a go. I was looking for something without tinned meat, fish paste etc, not because I am veggie but because urgh. I had a look at some of the titles and decided I might try Cannelini Bean Buerre Blanc, on account of really liking both that type of beans and buerre blanc. Then I read the recipe and regret to say that I tore the radiators off the walls (makes no difference as we aren’t turning the heating on and I was NOT GASSED as a result) duck me. Boil beans that are already cooked ‘until they soften???’ But it was the absolute horror show of the sauce that is my aneurysm. Beurre Blanc is a beautiful sauce and not actually difficult to make IF YOU HAVE ANY SORT OF NODDING ACQUAINTANCE WITH A RECIPE. I’m not poor now but I was, once, as an actual lone parent of 3. I had a waitress job at a nice restaurant where I would work the lunch service when the children were at school. The chef taught me to make a lot of good, simple, lovely food including Beurre Blanc which I made often to make plain, cheap things really tasty. The JM method is so foul, so offensive to anyone who likes food, so wrong. The quip about her ‘ruining many a Beurre Blanc’ through inattention caused the first radiator to be torn off. If that’s how she makes it she has ruined EVERY attempt. I am sorry for the wall of text but I am UPSET.

Seven bleeping cookbooks. Seven.