Slopalong #3 She doesn't understand beans

[HotesTilaire]

I want slut spaghetti to go with my slapper semolina now. Also who the duck is leaving Nigella for that braying horse Trinny

Charles Saatchi the abusive domestic abuser

Thought I'd give a few more simple recipes a go

Peanut butter hot chocolate

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I used the microwave method for this one, had to buy the chocolate and peanut butter but would normally have these in so it should've been completely free.
It says to first microwave the water (50ml), chocolate (3 squares) and peanut butter (1 heaped tbsp) for 20 seconds but doesn't say on what setting so I just went with high (900W).
Then stir, add half the milk (75 of 150ml) and nuke it for another 20 seconds (again assumed high).
Then repeat for the other half of the milk (so 60 seconds total).
At this point it should be done but was barely warm, nowhere near hot chocolate temp. So I put it in for another 40 seconds.

The drink itself is a solid 3 - middle class, very heavy on the peanut butter to chocolate ratio for my tastes, nothing special to warrant inhalation. Can't call it terrible despite missing instructions and not enough heating time.
When she calls it peanut butter hot chocolate she means it. I'd probably double the chocolate to balance it back out, while increasing the volume to a proper mug full 300+ml.

It makes 200ml so the pic of a full Denby mug which would be 300-350ml or at least 50-75% 344% more than this to be taking liberties. The mug was of course found in a charity shop for 75p, as discussed in the comments.
The recipe states "makes one mug, easily, dangerously doubled" but it doesn't make 'one mug easily' Jack you prick.
This one isn't even costed so not sure why she decided to make a tiny portion again. But it's probably because at ~300 calories for 200ml it's more calorific than almost all of the actual meals we've tried!

I'd be interested in seeing the book volume @Notmycat (A Year in 120 Recipes)

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Microwave mini egg hot chocolate

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This one just needs 8 mini eggs and 200ml milk (small portion again, big surprise) but I can't find mini eggs in November for love nor money. I even checked Cadbury puddings, cake bars and cakes to salvage them but no luck.
This one says half power for 60 seconds x3 which sounds a little low again.
But if I can find some mini eggs I'll give this a go (the things I do for the canal eh).

They usually come out the day after Xmas. I once saw them on Xmas eve, which made an excellent talking/tutting point for my Nan.

 

[Witchfinder Sargeant]

I have not been in the fire service for many years, but is carrying a hot pan of hot oil advisable? I was taught to move it off the heat and put the lid on it.
The bit about not pouring cold water on it is sound, I'll give her that.

 

[Lostcat]

I have not been in the fire service for many years, but is carrying a hot pan of hot oil advisable? I was taught to move it off the heat and put the lid on it.
The bit about not pouring cold water on it is sound, I'll give her that.

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I cant believe she wrote that. Absolutely do not lift a pan of hot oil off the oven if it is on fire.

Fires in the Kitchen : Firesafe.org.uk

The Fire Safety Advice Centre

www.firesafe.org.uk

The relevant quote:
"If a pan of food or chip pan catches fire do not attempt to remove it from the stove, it could give you terrible burns if incorrectly handled.
Turn off the heat if it is safe to do so, but never lean over the pan to the controls, switch off the supply at the meter if necessary."

Put the metal lid on if it is only smoking and is safe to do so, as this will smother the flames before they get going. Or throw a fire blanket over it, I 100% feel every kitchen should have a fire blanket in it, it can save lives. Do not throw water or use a standard fire extinguisher as the force of it will case the burning oil to spatter or explode outwards If the kitchen has a "Wet Chemical" extinguisher use that, they look like this in the UK:

 

[Lazarus]

Just to say that I made minestrone soup this week. I compared it to @BlendedSlop tinestrone. I used fresh veg, borlotti beans from a can, nice pasta, organic stock cubes, and added in some cavolo Nero and it still probably worked out around the same price. It served 2 of us very comfortably as well as Mr Laz taking some for lunch at work today, and some for my lunch later too

My minestrone recipe could definitely be cheapened and would still be more satisfying than Jack’s, I’m sure of it.
Didn’t mean that to sound like a humble brag, apols if it came across as such.

 

[Veronicaaa]

FIRST OF ALL there's no way Jack made these

This is what battered anchovies are meant to look like - more like whitebait than whatever the hell the above is.

SECOND OF ALL you can't batter tinned anchovies. head.

 

[blurstoftimes]

Oh my God Dinner

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Spoiler

Jack's ingredients 10 years ago (my herbs slightly different as I shopped from a different version but interchangeable don't you know.

70g bacon, 11p (£1.09/670g)
1 chilli (free, grows on my window ledge)
80g spaghetti, 6p (39p/500g)
Fistful each parsley, mint, basil (free, grows on my window ledge)
10ml lemon juice, 2p (60p/250ml)
50g green beans, 7p (£1.40/kg, frozen)
20g Brie, 11p (£1.09/200g)
1 garlic clove, 3p (46p for 2 bulbs with average 8 cloves each)
1/2 courgette, 15p (£1.80/kg, 6 in my bag)

The title suggests food you've got knocking around.

I just had:
garlic
spaghetti
Bottled lemon juice.

So from Sainsbury’s , and calculating the cost basted on whether or not I will use the leftovers.


Ok apart from saying frying pan then sauté pan. I don't even know what that is.
And chopping herbs in a cup with scissors. I didn't do that. Used knife and board.And not saying if spaghetti water should be salted.

Verdict

In Friends Joey thinks he is talking on the phone to Estelle when she is dead. (in fact it's Phoebe) Joey says "What's it like there?" Phoebe looks round the phone booth and says "It's all right"

Well this was all right.

Well that's my verdict. Nothing special. Left over veg and growing herbs with spaghetti a good idea, and sauce from brie is quite nice. She could have said what veg you could use with this and if cheap cheese would work.

And it was a modest (in size not price) meal for one.

Oh my god it's dinner suggested to me when you've been busy and not prepared and prep something easy from what you got.

That's fair enough, and spaghetti and veg with a sauce made on brie is fair enough, fits the bill.

IF YOU HAVE GOT THOSE INGREDIENTS IN.

Which I hadn't. So it was neither quick nor cheap.


Incidentally in the comments she was pulled up for only 40 gms per portion. She replied saying she wrote this when things were tough and in future she'd recommend 70 gm

but dear heart i need to know - what actually happens when you fry bacon in lemon juice?!!

 

[FlirtyThirty]

FIRST OF ALL there's no way Jack made these

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This is what battered anchovies are meant to look like - more like whitebait than whatever the hell the above is.


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SECOND OF ALL you can't batter tinned anchovies. head.

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I once ate a battered whitebait thinking it was something else. Worst thing that’s ever happened to my mouth and I include the bindaloo in that. Can’t understand why people like the taste of any fish.

 

[Veronicaaa]

I once ate a battered whitebait thinking it was something else. Worst thing that’s ever happened to my mouth and I include the bindaloo in that. Can’t understand why people like the taste of any fish.

I, OTOH, was absolutely ENTHRALLED when one of my mum's friends made the for me for the first time ever, I must have been about 10 but the memory is burned in my brain. Absolutely love the salty little buggers.

 

[MavisBeacon]

Ugh so much greasy batter

 

[BlairWaldorf86]

Omg the hot oil advice! Can we add that to the list of dangerous things she’s promoted in the kitchen as well as the botulism etc?

 

[Clarends]

but dear heart i need to know - what actually happens when you fry bacon in lemon juice?!!

I just been back to double check - I fried a bit of bacon with lemon juice and diced courgette. The lemon evaporated. Without the chilli of the recipe the courgette tasted acidy not lemony. So pointless.

Cost for a meal for one £2.87 so gonna give it 3 middle class.

It made me think how hard it is to write a recipe - especially one claiming to be cheap and easy. Jack is not sensitive to her readers circumstances being different from her own. And too lazy to double check the text . And too defensive to accept feedback. And too dishonest.

 

[Potatoes O’Houlihan]

I just made That Man's sweet potato, spinach & chick pea meecrowaaahveeee curry from his £1 meals selection. It is beautiful.
He's so clever because he grates the base ingredients which has the effect of allowing it to cook fast but with intense flavour. All timings and processes worked to the letter for me and my equipment. Just realised it is vegan too if you don't add the optional yoghurt (which I haven't bothered with) and it is a substantial meal for two; more for less-greedy people. Obviously it's been thoroughly researched and tested - lovely, I recommend.

ps @That Forensic Man , I donated 3 advent calendars from my kids to the local foodbank following their specific appeal plus ketchup and sugar - £4.50 cash value (I already had sugar and ketchup at home to donate so haven't included that value). Also just a minor FORENSIC detail I know you'll want corrected, my rillettes was from the Asda version of Tin Can Cook, thank you my dear x

eta: vegan clarification

 

[Nonah]

Omg the hot oil advice! Can we add that to the list of dangerous things she’s promoted in the kitchen as well as the botulism etc?

It’s terrifying! Why would you suggest anyone walk anywhere with a pan of oil that’s about to go on fire?! It’s a scenario from the first ten minutes of an episode of Casualty!

 

[heastlanda]

Chapeau! Though I’m a bit sad you didn’t let MH hoik herself up onto the work surface to generate a bit of heart warming ‘why not expose your child to social media’ content.

Slightly outing but Miss Heastlanda is taller than me (she's 5 foot 9). The only way she is getting up on the worktops is if she folds herself in half first to squish under the cupboards cos she ain't fitting any other way.

 

[Fruitjack]

I just made That Man's sweet potato, spinach & chick pea meecrowaaahveeee curry from his £1 meals selection. It is beautiful.
He's so clever because he grates the base ingredients which has the effect of allowing it to cook fast but with intense flavour. All timings and processes worked to the letter for me and my equipment. Just realised it is vegan too if you don't add the optional yoghurt (which I haven't bothered with) and it is a substantial meal for two; more for less-greedy people. Obviously it's been thoroughly researched and tested - lovely, I recommend.

ps @That Forensic Man , I donated 3 advent calendars from my kids to the local foodbank following their specific appeal plus ketchup and sugar - £4.50 cash value (I already had sugar and ketchup at home to donate so haven't included that value). Also just a minor FORENSIC detail I know you'll want corrected, my rillettes was from the Asda version of Tin Can Cook, thank you my dear x

eta: vegan clarification

yes but what you fail to understand dearheart, is that poor people can’t afford graters and some people can’t use graters due to illnesses or injuries. (These people can’t be vegan as they need to wear leather hats to help with the issue). So as you’ve just proved, Jamie’s recipes only serve to show off his enormous level of privilege.

 

[That Forensic Man]

I have not been in the fire service for many years, but is carrying a hot pan of hot oil advisable? I was taught to move it off the heat and put the lid on it.
The bit about not pouring cold water on it is sound, I'll give her that.

View attachment 1737133

This is such dangerously bad advice, if any water or the wet towel touches the oil it's gonna flash meaning you'd drop the pan and it's gonna explode everywhere including all over you
Using a wet tea towel on the handle means all the heat will be transferred to your hand, compared to a dry towel or nothing, so you're more likely to pick it up and then realise it's too hot to hold (because of the wet towel) and then drop it.
And she's so extraordinarily fire conscious as to routinely leave flammable objects on the gas hob and put stupid little cabinet locks on doors, what an absolute twit.

Omg the hot oil advice! Can we add that to the list of dangerous things she’s promoted in the kitchen as well as the botulism etc?

Yes, absolutely x

I just made That Man's sweet potato, spinach & chick pea meecrowaaahveeee curry from his £1 meals selection. It is beautiful.
He's so clever because he grates the base ingredients which has the effect of allowing it to cook fast but with intense flavour. All timings and processes worked to the letter for me and my equipment. Just realised it is vegan too if you don't add the optional yoghurt (which I haven't bothered with) and it is a substantial meal for two; more for less-greedy people. Obviously it's been thoroughly researched and tested - lovely, I recommend.

ps @That Forensic Man , I donated 3 advent calendars from my kids to the local foodbank following their specific appeal plus ketchup and sugar - £4.50 cash value (I already had sugar and ketchup at home to donate so haven't included that value). Also just a minor FORENSIC detail I know you'll want corrected, my rillettes was from the Asda version of Tin Can Cook, thank you my dear x

eta: vegan clarification

Thankyou tender one!

 

[Witchfinder Sargeant]

This is such dangerously bad advice, if any water or the wet towel touches the oil it's gonna flash meaning you'd drop the pan and it's gonna explode everywhere including all over you
Using a wet tea towel on the handle means all the heat will be transferred to your hand, compared to a dry towel or nothing, so you're more likely to pick it up and then realise it's too hot to hold (because of the wet towel) and then drop it.
And she's so extraordinarily fire conscious as to routinely leave flammable objects on the gas hob and put stupid little cabinet locks on doors, what an absolute twit.

I've been thinking about this and the advice is somehow more dangerous because she mentions being in the fire service, so she gives her stupidly dangerous advice a veneer of being good advice.

 

[Anyfulekno]

updated jack's hazard slops list:

Letting rice sit on the side for ages instead of cooling quickly - allows lots of Bacillus cereus bacteria to grow and give you the shits/food poisoning peanut milk rice pudding
frying tinned potatoes - they can explode due to the water content hot nicoise
storing/infusing herbs in oil - risk of botulism Whoa F*ck Dressing
Microwaving stone fruits to ripen - explodey, doesn't work, could duck up your microwave microwave ripening fruits
sprout scones because cooked (painstakingly) by the instructions they are bleeping raw
Beer battered sardines: advocates that in case of carrying a flaming pan of hot oil outside while holding it with a wet dishcloth is a good/fire service approved idea ...NEVER do this, place a damp NOT sopping wet teatowel over the top to smother the flames or use a fire extinguisher if you're fancy. Risk of SEVERE burns and immolating your crappy bungalow using her method

Not sure if the wiki has been updated with these, i can do it if noone minds me tinkering

 

[That Forensic Man]

updated jack's hazard slops list:

Letting rice sit on the side for ages instead of cooling quickly - allows lots of Bacillus cereus bacteria to grow and give you the shits/food poisoning peanut milk rice pudding
frying tinned potatoes - they can explode due to the water content hot nicoise
storing/infusing herbs in oil - risk of botulism Whoa F*ck Dressing
Microwaving stone fruits to ripen - explodey, doesn't work, could duck up your microwave microwave ripening fruits
sprout scones because cooked (painstakingly) by the instructions they are bleeping raw
Beer battered sardines: advocates that in case of carrying a flaming pan of hot oil outside while holding it with a wet dishcloth is a good/fire service approved idea ...NEVER do this, place a damp NOT sopping wet teatowel over the top to smother the flames or use a fire extinguisher if you're fancy. Risk of SEVERE burns and immolating your crappy bungalow using her method

Not sure if the wiki has been updated with these, i can do it if noone minds me tinkering

Feel free tender one, I was thinking it's not necessarily related to the slopalong itself so probably wants to go in page 2 after "fake recipes" as dangerous advice or something.

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ETA but I will add a link to it on the slopalong for awareness and also going to add a thing about people not eating any slops that they think could be risky, it's not worth it! WARNED.

I've been thinking about this and the advice is somehow more dangerous because she mentions being in the fire service, so she gives her stupidly dangerous advice a veneer of being good advice.

Exactly and actual professionals know it's always best to signpost to the proper advice that has been checked and verified etc. versus trying to explain it all over again, telling people outdated stuff etc. but Jack never signposts anything or misses an opportunity to brag.

 

[Lostcat]

Has anyone tried the Energy Saving Cassoulet yet?

Jack Monroe’s energy-saving cassoulet – recipe

Slow-cooked dishes don’t need to sit on the hob or in the oven for hours. After a short blast of heat, they can be tightly wrapped in a towel and left to carry on cooking at no cost

www.theguardian.com

I was going to make something sausage-stew related this weekend anyway, and am fully prepared to wrap up a casserole dish in my dressing gown as part of the cooking process. In the interests of THE SLOPALONG, and of SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH.