Well done sloppy Fraus, these threads have been a great read but also maddening as many of you have said. Have made a donation to a charity in my town that provides hot meals and other services for the homeless.
Slopalong #2 You can’t polish a turd, but you can cover it in parsley
- Start date
-
- Tags
- Jack Monroe Threads Wiki
- Status
New to Tattle Life? Click "Order Thread by Most Liked Posts" button below to get an idea of what the site is about:
Ok fraus, brace yourselves.
Roman Pasta with Mandarins and Creamy Basil Sauce
ETA I forgot to add my best photo :
Roman Pasta with Mandarins and Creamy Basil Sauce
1 large onion - free (20p)
2 tbsp oil - free
150g pasta - free (25p)
Handful fresh basil - 52p
Handful fresh parsley - 57p
200g tinned mandarins - free (50p)
200ml natural yoghurt - 28p
Spenny pasta because I am fancy. Prices based on Tesco, Lidl
2 tbsp oil - free
150g pasta - free (25p)
Handful fresh basil - 52p
Handful fresh parsley - 57p
200g tinned mandarins - free (50p)
200ml natural yoghurt - 28p
Spenny pasta because I am fancy. Prices based on Tesco, Lidl
I finely sliced my onion, added the 2 tablespoons of oil into the cold pan then turned on to a medium heat to sweat.
Then I put pasta on to boil. I salted my pasta water but the recipe is a stranger to salt and pepper or seasoning of any kind. Pasta takes 11 minutes to cook.
Once pasta is on I finely sliced a handful of basil and parsley and added to the onions in the pan. Felt like this was too early but I'm following the recipe.
Then I put pasta on to boil. I salted my pasta water but the recipe is a stranger to salt and pepper or seasoning of any kind. Pasta takes 11 minutes to cook.
Once pasta is on I finely sliced a handful of basil and parsley and added to the onions in the pan. Felt like this was too early but I'm following the recipe.
Then against all my better judgement I added the mandarins to the pan. She said use a spoon to strain off most of the juice but I used a sieve because I'm an adult
Then I added the yoghurt. I had to get my husband to video this because I felt if I had to go through it then you do too. Sadly the video is too large so you will have to make do with a photo.
I cannot quite find the words to describe to you the smell. Recipe says to serve with plenty of strong hard cheese. I elected to use cheddar as I wasn't going to waste any decent Italian cheese on this monstrosity. However no cheese is going to save this - trust me.
Mr McHaggis point blank refused to taste it which surprised me as he is made of strong stuff usually but I think this broke him. Probably shouldn't have asked him to video it.
Luckily oldest son was prepared to take one for team. One mouthful was enough. He said it started out bland, then turned sour with a lingering after taste that kept getting worse. Don't mince your words son.
I explained the voting system and he decided it merited a 1 - Dire. Not quite dog-tit but definitely not as high as Terrible.
Mr McHaggis point blank refused to taste it which surprised me as he is made of strong stuff usually but I think this broke him. Probably shouldn't have asked him to video it.
Luckily oldest son was prepared to take one for team. One mouthful was enough. He said it started out bland, then turned sour with a lingering after taste that kept getting worse. Don't mince your words son.
I explained the voting system and he decided it merited a 1 - Dire. Not quite dog-tit but definitely not as high as Terrible.
Off to the recycling bin. No chance of rescuing it - it was vile.
I know this is a fun exercise but I have to say when you actually make the food and realise how bloody awful it is, it is enraging.
Having the pasta with basil and cheese and plenty of black pepper would have been a nice, simple meal. The mandarins and the parsley are pointless and the yoghurt is just an abomination.
I was actually on holiday in Italy last week and I spent some time looking for authentic Italian pasta recipes with fruit. The only thing I could find that was similar to this was a pasta recipe with ricotta and fresh berries, basil and mint. Now I can imagine actually eating that - creamy ricotta, fresh berries, mint - sounds lovely because it was devised by someone who understands food. How she gets away with this utter tripe is quite beyond me. Any people like Jay Rayner and Nigella promoting her?? Like what the hell?
I have lost all desire for food at this point so I will do the Carbrienara tomorrow. I am hoping it will at least be edible unlike this.
Having the pasta with basil and cheese and plenty of black pepper would have been a nice, simple meal. The mandarins and the parsley are pointless and the yoghurt is just an abomination.
I was actually on holiday in Italy last week and I spent some time looking for authentic Italian pasta recipes with fruit. The only thing I could find that was similar to this was a pasta recipe with ricotta and fresh berries, basil and mint. Now I can imagine actually eating that - creamy ricotta, fresh berries, mint - sounds lovely because it was devised by someone who understands food. How she gets away with this utter tripe is quite beyond me. Any people like Jay Rayner and Nigella promoting her?? Like what the hell?
I have lost all desire for food at this point so I will do the Carbrienara tomorrow. I am hoping it will at least be edible unlike this.
ETA I forgot to add my best photo :
Last edited:
Totally agree & your slop is a really good example. A perfectly good meal right there, have the mandarins and cream for pudding.
The only explanation is that she hasn’t even tried these recipes. I refuse to believe she thinks this is good food.
A frau requested that someone do the pop tarts from A Year in 120 Recipes so I volunteered because it looks totally viable and after two sloppy failures I'm in the mood for something solid.
Here are my ingredients. Flour, salt, icing sugar and water were free because I already had them. I bought Flora Plant Butter instead of generic baking block. I did buy the cheapest jam which is of the red variety. My main gripe with this entire recipe is the existence of the sprinkles. Finding vegan sprinkles is such a ballaché and more importantly, they're £2.60 per pot. You're cheaping out on everything else yet spending £2.60 on frivolous sprinkles? Bellend.
Making the pastry is fine, mostly. Shortcrust pastry is half fat to flour so she hasn't fucked it up yet. In the interests of transparency, I added some salt as the baking block has 0.11g salt per 100g. She does suggest you could melt the butter into the flour instead of rubbing it in. I wanted to try this to compare but I cba. There's no mention of letting the pastry rest, which I would normally do for 30 minutes but this isn't normal.
I went for the upper limit of jam which is 1 tbsp per pastry. It was at this point I thought: this is going to leak in the oven isn't it?
Yes, absolutely.
Here is the finished product, with an inexplicable tiny spoon. The police did a malicious welfare check and saw me with the tiny spoon covered in white powder but I assured them it's for sucralose and we all hooted.
Final verdict: they're pretty good you know. I'd give it a solid 4 overall. They're pretty small but this isn't supposed to be a substantial nutritious meal so I'll allow it. The question is where did she lift this recipe from?
Making the pastry is fine, mostly. Shortcrust pastry is half fat to flour so she hasn't fucked it up yet. In the interests of transparency, I added some salt as the baking block has 0.11g salt per 100g. She does suggest you could melt the butter into the flour instead of rubbing it in. I wanted to try this to compare but I cba. There's no mention of letting the pastry rest, which I would normally do for 30 minutes but this isn't normal.
I went for the upper limit of jam which is 1 tbsp per pastry. It was at this point I thought: this is going to leak in the oven isn't it?
Yes, absolutely.
Here is the finished product, with an inexplicable tiny spoon. The police did a malicious welfare check and saw me with the tiny spoon covered in white powder but I assured them it's for sucralose and we all hooted.
Final verdict: they're pretty good you know. I'd give it a solid 4 overall. They're pretty small but this isn't supposed to be a substantial nutritious meal so I'll allow it. The question is where did she lift this recipe from?
Whoa F*ck Dressing ingredients
1 tsp dried chilli flakes (3g), 3p - 85p/28g pot
2 fat cloves of garlic, 3p - larder
2 tbsp mirin (or white wine vinegar with ½ tsp sugar), 36p - white wine vinegar 95p/350ml, sugar £1.70/1kg
1 tbsp soy sauce, 10p - larder
40ml groundnut or sesame oil, 13p - groundnut oil £2.00/500ml
100ml sunflower oil, 13p - £2.75/1 litre
a pinch of salt <1p - larder
Spent £8.25
Makes 12 x 1tbsp servings at 7p each - 68p each
I did the costing including the items I bought for the pizza sauce, you'd be looking at £10 to get everything including soy sauce and garlic
Tonkotsu Eat The Bits Chilli Oil is £5.95/190ml
Based on the chilli flakes, soy sauce, groundnut oil and sunflower oil you could make about 10 lots of Jack's version for the £10 so call it £1 for the 12x tbsp quantity (if it turns out to be correct)
I'll measure it as ml to compare to Tonkotsu's 190ml
1 tsp dried chilli flakes (3g), 3p - 85p/28g pot
2 fat cloves of garlic, 3p - larder
2 tbsp mirin (or white wine vinegar with ½ tsp sugar), 36p - white wine vinegar 95p/350ml, sugar £1.70/1kg
1 tbsp soy sauce, 10p - larder
40ml groundnut or sesame oil, 13p - groundnut oil £2.00/500ml
100ml sunflower oil, 13p - £2.75/1 litre
a pinch of salt <1p - larder
Spent £8.25
Makes 12 x 1tbsp servings at 7p each - 68p each
I did the costing including the items I bought for the pizza sauce, you'd be looking at £10 to get everything including soy sauce and garlic
Tonkotsu Eat The Bits Chilli Oil is £5.95/190ml
Based on the chilli flakes, soy sauce, groundnut oil and sunflower oil you could make about 10 lots of Jack's version for the £10 so call it £1 for the 12x tbsp quantity (if it turns out to be correct)
I'll measure it as ml to compare to Tonkotsu's 190ml
Thankyou tender ones, every day a school day in the canal
I'll add these to the wiki shortly
My nearest food bank is bleeping Trussell Trust. They can piss off.
This one looks pretty similar.
Vegan Pop Tarts
I'm not sure there is anything more American than pop tarts. A breakfast that is basically a dessert, that comes wrapped and ready to go, plus of course it's super delicious! For many, pop tarts
yumveganlunchideas.com
Yes to this film being made. Obviously all you wonderful fraus have laid the groundwork.
@GladysMcHaggis story about looking for real pasta recipes with fruit made me think (no really it did).
More than a few of JM's recipes sound like she went to a posh restaurant, or saw the menu from one, and saw an unusual combination of ingredients. And then went home and thought, huh, I can do that too, and forged ahead and made some slop - with ingredients that were kind of the same but not quite, and without understanding the principles of cookery that chefs use to make those recipes work.
More than a few of JM's recipes sound like she went to a posh restaurant, or saw the menu from one, and saw an unusual combination of ingredients. And then went home and thought, huh, I can do that too, and forged ahead and made some slop - with ingredients that were kind of the same but not quite, and without understanding the principles of cookery that chefs use to make those recipes work.
Fraus, been having a real life chaos so fallen behind on the thread, and not sure when I’ll be able to cook my slop, but am with you all in spirit. 🧑
The algorithm is showing me ads for Doc Martins ffs 
Donation made to my local foodbank. At least something good is coming out of this.
Attachments
Can we swap? Vlad’s throwing me ads about new born triplets and surrogacy. I’m 51 with two kids and a cupboard full of Fly boots.The algorithm is showing me ads for Doc Martins ffs
Crying.....
Er... What's wholemeal rice, Precious?There’s a slop for every occasion dear one!
Courgette, Tomato & Brie Gratin
This dish was born of a sad-looking courgette in my fridge, half of a very large onion that was starting to dry out, and some bits and pieces from my cupboard. The rice makes this filling and comfo…cookingonabootstrap.com
You absolute
.
Last edited:
That’s almost as revolting as the bindaloo.
In an update: 6 fat cloves of garlic in a concoction I only ate a mouthful of has served to STILL make me reek a full 36 hours later.
As a further aside: Chetnis well worth a follow on Insta, I’ve not tried her dal makhani but I’ve tried a few of her other dishes and they are really good.
They definitely do correct recipes, I guess because so many people use that website. I’ve used it a lot myself over the years and have found it pretty reliable.
I may have mentioned it before, but they corrected the dreaded horse spunk lasagne from DKL. When it first went up, I checked it in real time and it had the original “it’ll thicken up in the oven” (
) sauce. A few weeks later I checked again and it had been corrected.Thinking about it, though, it’s not just the BBC, but ALL the cheffy and food writer types must have always known her recipes didn’t work. They must have known, you certainly don’t need to be an expert to spot it. Slinging everything into a cold pan? The complete lack of spice and seasoning? The teeny portions? Nigella, Jay, Nigel and the rest need their arses slapped for inflicting this charlatan on people in genuine need and continuing to give her a platform.
ETA: typos
Last edited:
I couldn’t do that to my lovely courgettes they would surely bring the wrath of blight upon myThere’s a slop for every occasion dear one!
Courgette, Tomato & Brie Gratin
This dish was born of a sad-looking courgette in my fridge, half of a very large onion that was starting to dry out, and some bits and pieces from my cupboard. The rice makes this filling and comfo…
You legend, another great slop but with you on being enraged.
Last edited:
#thread title it could be edible if…..
Seconding/thirding/fourthing/whatevering the recommendation of Chetna and her YouTube channel. Her videos are so easy to follow and the food is blissful. She's got a book out, hasn't she?
Whoa F*ck Dressing
Part 1 (ingredients/costing):
The gang's all here, ingredients forensically measured out.
It said 2 fat cloves of garlic so I used 4 small ones.
I used white wine vinegar with sugar rather than mirin, mostly because I don't know what mirin is plus I had white wine vinegar from other slops.
The recips says groundnut (peanut) or sesame oil, I went with peanut because both sesame oils in Sainsbugs were toasted and I didn't know if that was different.
Garlic minced and everything chucked in.
After mixing it went cloudy and you can see the oils don't really want to mix.
The chilli flakes and garlic have no interest in being suspended in the oil.
It makes 165ml or 9.3 tbsp which is less than Jack's claimed 12 tbsp or Tonkotsu's 190ml (10.7 tbsp).
This is a typical tbsp if you scoop around the bottom to get some of the chilli/garlic.
Sampling spoon, read it and weep, Jack.
I tried a few spoonfuls and it just tastes like a teaspoon of sunflower oil (disgusting) but then a sharp acrid tang and then raw garlic and chilli flakes. It gave me stomach ache, send gavison double action-o's.
Jack says "Season to taste, and adjust accordingly – if it’s too acidic for your liking, add another splash of oil. If it’s not harsh enough, another drop of vinegar".
Season with what? The salt that hasn't been mentioned?
The last thing this needs is more oil and what's another splash going to do when it's already 85% oil.
Adding more vinegar will just make the tang more unpleasant, there's no refinement to this it's all raw flavours.
My tastebuds did not "shoot off on an exuberant joyride" nor my "eyes pop and my tongue sing" (what a twot).
She says "sweet, salty, spicy" but HOW IS IT SWEET OR SALTY IT'S JUST OIL ??
She also says "it’s hot, but not unbearably so" but we know Jack thinks 1 tsp chilli flakes makes a vindaloo so her opinion there is completely invalid, plus this is technically a vindaloo then.
It's like she has never actually tasted it and just assumed 1/2 tsp sugar and a pinch of salt will be the dominating flavours like what the actual duck?
She went to all this trouble when she could have just bought another jar of Tonkotsu, something she apparently polished off post haste? Who are we kidding of course that's exactly what she did.
Tonkotsu looks like it's rammed with chilli, Jack says "all I could remember was the sheer amount of chilli flakes suspended in a sesame oil dressing".
I managed to pour off 125ml of oil out of the total 165ml.
This was still being generous with oil but meant I had about 2 tbsp of what I suspect is the 'desired product'.
From the costing this is about £1.00 to make so costs as much as Tonkotsu per tbsp (£5.95/10.7 tbsp or 55p/tbsp, Jack's 50p/tbsp).
I'll leave it in the fridge overnight to see if the oil takes on any flavour but I'm not taking any chances with this.
Rating: 1 because it's 85% raw oil and gross plus Jack being a twit about food safety plus no cheaper than the Tonkotsu product.
Also it gave me stomach ache.
Now to treat myself to a 99 and put £10 in the charity pot, chapeau!
Part 1 (ingredients/costing):
Slopalong #2 You can’t polish a turd, but you can cover it in parsley
Well done sloppy Fraus, these threads have been a great read but also maddening as many of you have said. Have made a donation to a charity in my town that provides hot meals and other services for the homeless.
tattle.life
The gang's all here, ingredients forensically measured out.
It said 2 fat cloves of garlic so I used 4 small ones.
I used white wine vinegar with sugar rather than mirin, mostly because I don't know what mirin is plus I had white wine vinegar from other slops.
The recips says groundnut (peanut) or sesame oil, I went with peanut because both sesame oils in Sainsbugs were toasted and I didn't know if that was different.
Garlic minced and everything chucked in.
After mixing it went cloudy and you can see the oils don't really want to mix.
The chilli flakes and garlic have no interest in being suspended in the oil.
It makes 165ml or 9.3 tbsp which is less than Jack's claimed 12 tbsp or Tonkotsu's 190ml (10.7 tbsp).
This is a typical tbsp if you scoop around the bottom to get some of the chilli/garlic.
Sampling spoon, read it and weep, Jack.
I tried a few spoonfuls and it just tastes like a teaspoon of sunflower oil (disgusting) but then a sharp acrid tang and then raw garlic and chilli flakes. It gave me stomach ache, send gavison double action-o's.
Jack says "Season to taste, and adjust accordingly – if it’s too acidic for your liking, add another splash of oil. If it’s not harsh enough, another drop of vinegar".
Season with what? The salt that hasn't been mentioned?
The last thing this needs is more oil and what's another splash going to do when it's already 85% oil.
Adding more vinegar will just make the tang more unpleasant, there's no refinement to this it's all raw flavours.
My tastebuds did not "shoot off on an exuberant joyride" nor my "eyes pop and my tongue sing" (what a twot).
She says "sweet, salty, spicy" but HOW IS IT SWEET OR SALTY IT'S JUST OIL ??
She also says "it’s hot, but not unbearably so" but we know Jack thinks 1 tsp chilli flakes makes a vindaloo so her opinion there is completely invalid, plus this is technically a vindaloo then.
It's like she has never actually tasted it and just assumed 1/2 tsp sugar and a pinch of salt will be the dominating flavours like what the actual duck?
She went to all this trouble when she could have just bought another jar of Tonkotsu, something she apparently polished off post haste? Who are we kidding of course that's exactly what she did.
Tonkotsu looks like it's rammed with chilli, Jack says "all I could remember was the sheer amount of chilli flakes suspended in a sesame oil dressing".
I managed to pour off 125ml of oil out of the total 165ml.
This was still being generous with oil but meant I had about 2 tbsp of what I suspect is the 'desired product'.
From the costing this is about £1.00 to make so costs as much as Tonkotsu per tbsp (£5.95/10.7 tbsp or 55p/tbsp, Jack's 50p/tbsp).
I'll leave it in the fridge overnight to see if the oil takes on any flavour but I'm not taking any chances with this.
Rating: 1 because it's 85% raw oil and gross plus Jack being a twit about food safety plus no cheaper than the Tonkotsu product.
Also it gave me stomach ache.
Now to treat myself to a 99 and put £10 in the charity pot, chapeau!
Last edited:
- Status