Slopalong #2 You can’t polish a turd, but you can cover it in parsley

[hoopdedoo]

@That Forensic Man so at least Whoa F*ck dressing was appropriately named. Taste it and go "whoa, what the f*ck is this supposed to be?"

 

[NeoCortex]

Totally agree & your slop is a really good example. A perfectly good meal right there, have the mandarins and cream for pudding.

The only explanation is that she hasn’t even tried these recipes. I refuse to believe she thinks this is good food.

I think its obvious now she just makes it up as she goes along. Pretending this shite is what poor people have left in their cupboard. Which they don't. They have proper food, like bloody hell have pasta in smart price gravy, add some cheese and pepper and voila. That left over pesto? Add that too. Yummers.

 

[House of Carbonara]

Whoa F*ck Dressing

Part 1 (ingredients/costing):

Slopalong #2 You can’t polish a turd, but you can cover it in parsley

Well done sloppy Fraus, these threads have been a great read but also maddening as many of you have said. Have made a donation to a charity in my town that provides hot meals and other services for the homeless.

tattle.life

The gang's all here, ingredients forensically measured out.
It said 2 fat cloves of garlic so I used 4 small ones.
I used white wine vinegar with sugar rather than mirin, mostly because I don't know what mirin is plus I had white wine vinegar from other slops.
The recips says groundnut (peanut) or sesame oil, I went with peanut because both sesame oils in Sainsbugs were toasted and I didn't know if that was different.

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Garlic minced and everything chucked in.

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After mixing it went cloudy and you can see the oils don't really want to mix.
The chilli flakes and garlic have no interest in being suspended in the oil.
It makes 165ml or 9.3 tbsp which is less than Jack's claimed 12 tbsp or Tonkotsu's 190ml (10.7 tbsp).

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This is a typical tbsp if you scoop around the bottom to get some of the chilli/garlic.

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Sampling spoon, read it and weep, Jack.

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I tried a few spoonfuls and it just tastes like a teaspoon of sunflower oil (disgusting) but then a sharp acrid tang and then raw garlic and chilli flakes. It gave me stomach ache, send gavison double action-o's.
Jack says "Season to taste, and adjust accordingly – if it’s too acidic for your liking, add another splash of oil. If it’s not harsh enough, another drop of vinegar".
Season with what? The salt that hasn't been mentioned?
The last thing this needs is more oil and what's another splash going to do when it's already 85% oil.
Adding more vinegar will just make the tang more unpleasant, there's no refinement to this it's all raw flavours.
My tastebuds did not "shoot off on an exuberant joyride" nor my "eyes pop and my tongue sing" (what a twot).
She says "sweet, salty, spicy" but HOW IS IT SWEET OR SALTY IT'S JUST OIL ??
She also says "it’s hot, but not unbearably so" but we know Jack thinks 1 tsp chilli flakes makes a vindaloo so her opinion there is completely invalid, plus this is technically a vindaloo then.
It's like she has never actually tasted it and just assumed 1/2 tsp sugar and a pinch of salt will be the dominating flavours like what the actual duck?
She went to all this trouble when she could have just bought another jar of Tonkotsu, something she apparently polished off post haste? Who are we kidding of course that's exactly what she did.

Tonkotsu looks like it's rammed with chilli, Jack says "all I could remember was the sheer amount of chilli flakes suspended in a sesame oil dressing".
I managed to pour off 125ml of oil out of the total 165ml.
This was still being generous with oil but meant I had about 2 tbsp of what I suspect is the 'desired product'.
From the costing this is about £1.00 to make so costs as much as Tonkotsu per tbsp (£5.95/10.7 tbsp or 55p/tbsp, Jack's 50p/tbsp).

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I'll leave it in the fridge overnight to see if the oil takes on any flavour but I'm not taking any chances with this.
Rating: 1 because it's 85% raw oil and gross plus Jack being a twit about food safety plus no cheaper than the Tonkotsu product.
Also it gave me stomach ache.
Now to treat myself to a 99 and put £10 in the charity pot, chapeau!

So, another waste of ingredients.... Chapeau, Monroe, not everyone can get a dressing totally wrong. Achievement unlocked.

 

[Veronicaaa]

Morning slopslingers! Long boring story but I was reminded that I still had the jar of salmon paste I'd bought for Jack's salmon noodles recipe, and after deciding not to waste a tin of coconut milk etc by doing the recipe, I opened it and had some on toast. It was ... OK, and it gave me a wee yen for smoked mackerel pate. So for a laugh I looked up Jack's recipe. Fraus, is it normal to be able to slice mackerel pate?

 

[Witchfinder Sargeant]

Crying.....

I think the low point was marrow curry. Nothing says "we fucked up," like expecting your nine year old to eat marrow curry.

 

[FlirtyThirty]

Morning slopslingers! Long boring story but I was reminded that I still had the wee jar of salmon paste I'd bought for Jack's salmon noodles recipe, and after deciding not to waste a tin of coconut milk etc by doing the recipe, I opened it and had some on toast. It was ... OK, and it gave me a wee yen for smoked mackerel pate. So for a laugh I looked up Jack's recipe. Fraus, is it normal to be able to slice mackerel pate?

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Has she mixed up pate with terrine??

 

[Witchfinder Sargeant]

Has she mixed up pate with terrine??

I'd expect a meat-based pate to be served in slices to then spread on toast, but mackerel pate should not be sliceable.

 

[Lazarus]

There’s a slop for every occasion dear one!

Courgette, Tomato & Brie Gratin

This dish was born of a sad-looking courgette in my fridge, half of a very large onion that was starting to dry out, and some bits and pieces from my cupboard. The rice makes this filling and comfo…

cookingonabootstrap.com

I haven’t read this recipe yet but the preview makes me raging! A sad looking courgette and half a dried out onion whilst calling her page cooking on a Bootstrap. If she’s so genuinely concerned about cooking on such a meagre amount of money, why is she so wasteful? Why is all the lovely fresh produce allowed to wither away in her fridge?
Either her 4hr shopping lists don’t help her understand what she needs to buy to make meals from what she has remaining, or she has so much money she can let things waste away.

#thread title it could be edible if…..

I vote for @GladysMcHaggis SB “the taste just keeps getting worse”

@That Forensic Man Rolex spoon has ended me

 

[Veronicaaa]

Sorry for the suspense peeps. Write up to come
In the morning. I’m currently in bed cuddling a bottle of pink Gaviscon

I'm a bit worried about @allybongo, this was their last post on tattle.

 

[wintercynic]

There’s a slop for every occasion dear one!

Courgette, Tomato & Brie Gratin

This dish was born of a sad-looking courgette in my fridge, half of a very large onion that was starting to dry out, and some bits and pieces from my cupboard. The rice makes this filling and comfo…

cookingonabootstrap.com

Why the duck is she incapable of cooking onions properly?! Let alone the rest of the slop.

 

[MavisBeacon]

Why the duck is she incapable of cooking onions properly?! Let alone the rest of the slop.

It genuinely makes my brain itch that she didn't suggest frying off the onion first to give it a little flavour, but just chucks it straight in with the rice

 

[binkbonk]

A little Friday night gift for all you lovely sloppers.

Plus I gave a contribution to my local food bankView attachment 1723654

I knew what was coming and I still gasped when I saw this

I was debating about downgrading it to a 3 but felt that would be cheating. For all I know it could have ended up as a 2 if I'd done it properly It seems more honest to just expunge it from the thread/Wiki.

Yes, tender one - do give it a go. Properly. Unlike me.

I don't know what was wrong with my eyesight yesterday, monumental cock up!

Can it go into a separate category? It's like when athletes get caught using drugs and have their medal taken away. You used performance enhancing flavours

Then I added the yoghurt. I had to get my husband to video this because I felt if I had to go through it then you do too. Sadly the video is too large so you will have to make do with a photo.

I used an online video compressor to make my video small enough for tattle, I think it was https://www.freeconvert.com/video-compressor and you can select the max MB that you want, I think it was either 10 or 16. We need all the slop videos we can get imo (I might be a masochist)

 

[House of Carbonara]

I think the low point was marrow curry. Nothing says "we fucked up," like expecting your nine year old to eat marrow curry.

Crying again...
Def trying to grow courgettes next year, always thought they were delicate or something (don't know why!).

 

[FlirtyThirty]

I knew what was coming and I still gasped when I saw this
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Can it go into a separate category? It's like when athletes get caught using drugs and have their medal taken away. You used performance enhancing flavours


I used an online video compressor to make my video small enough for tattle, I think it was https://www.freeconvert.com/video-compressor and you can select the max MB that you want, I think it was either 10 or 16. We need all the slop videos we can get imo (I might be a masochist)

Some sort of thread title please haha: Caught using performance enhancing flavours: WARNED

 

[GladysMcHaggis]

@binkbonk Thanks for video compressor link. My son actually compressed it for me but now looking at it, it contains some identifying info (🔺️) so I won't post it. Which is a shame really as it is v funny and mostly consists of me laughing somewhat hysterically and husband muttering in incredulity.

 

[Witchfinder Sargeant]

Crying again...
Def trying to grow courgettes next year, always thought they were delicate or something (don't know why!).

Well, consider yourself WARNED

 

[House of Carbonara]

I'd expect a meat-based pate to be served in slices to then spread on toast, but mackerel pate should not be sliceable.

This! Unless something unspeakable has happened to the pate, or.....(dramatic pause) she NEVER made it in the first place. Far fetched, I know.

 

[Smol Pixel]

I knew what was coming and I still gasped when I saw this
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My kids are coming here for an extra unplanned night as my ex’s gf is in labour. Tempted to offer them the leftover moussaka just to see their reactions.

 

[definitelynotvlad]

There is no rhyme or reason to any of these recipes.

She used up all her butter making pizza sauce, HTH xx

 

[VeniVidiVicki]

I’ve got all the ingredients for that gratin (well, except for wholemeal rice obvs) and was toying with making it but I don’t think I can put myself through it again. I’m going to roast a chicken instead and roast my veg to go with it.

Wholemeal rice. FFS