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bakedcheesecake
Member
I’ve Been hesitant to post this but I am a food bank user. Her recipes are a joke.
I normally get - tinned pasta. Spaghetti hoops, they go on toast. As they are, unrinsed.
Tinned meat, a pie or stewed tinned meat. I eat pie as is, normally try and get some new potatoes to go with and cook some frozen veg. Sometimes I get tinned new potatoes and that’s a meal right there.
Tinned tuna. Mix with pasta for tuna pasta or sometimes w tinned sweetcorn on a jacket potato. Tuna sandwiches for a treat, toasted with cheese of i have the money.
Oats, cereal and UHT milk. I eat as it comes. It’s not delicious, or ideal, but it does the job. Cereal or oats for tea sometimes with some cinnamon added, it’s ok.
Tinned soup: I just eat the fucking soup.
Fruit, a snack. Sometimes breakfast if I’m not that hungry.
No rinsing or any of her bullshit is required. Her recipes are honestly dangerous.
I cant speak on behalf of all foodbank users, but I eat because I have to. I don’t or can’t afford to fuck around rinsing meat or cooking veg peelings on a meal that is inedible.
It’s not fair she has 7 cookbooks and earning god knows what amount a month.
She doesn’t deserve to have a voice on behalf of people who are struggling. I hate everything about her.
just my two cents. Poor people do not need to be taught how to manage a budget. We only spend what we need to. Budgeting or making tinned food into something it isn’t supposed to be isn’t the issue. TORIES are the fucking issue and that’s above Jacks remit. I wish she’d just disappear into oblivion.
Slopalong is so funny but it’s genuinely engaging at the same time. Poor people who rely on a food parcel cannot afford to be fucking around with her disgusting ‘meals’. Bottom line
I almost forgot- this week I had a treat and got some corned beef. Corned beef & baked bean hash is ELITE and it is what it is. On a jacket potato? Not dire
I normally get - tinned pasta. Spaghetti hoops, they go on toast. As they are, unrinsed.
Tinned meat, a pie or stewed tinned meat. I eat pie as is, normally try and get some new potatoes to go with and cook some frozen veg. Sometimes I get tinned new potatoes and that’s a meal right there.
Tinned tuna. Mix with pasta for tuna pasta or sometimes w tinned sweetcorn on a jacket potato. Tuna sandwiches for a treat, toasted with cheese of i have the money.
Oats, cereal and UHT milk. I eat as it comes. It’s not delicious, or ideal, but it does the job. Cereal or oats for tea sometimes with some cinnamon added, it’s ok.
Tinned soup: I just eat the fucking soup.
Fruit, a snack. Sometimes breakfast if I’m not that hungry.
No rinsing or any of her bullshit is required. Her recipes are honestly dangerous.
I cant speak on behalf of all foodbank users, but I eat because I have to. I don’t or can’t afford to fuck around rinsing meat or cooking veg peelings on a meal that is inedible.
It’s not fair she has 7 cookbooks and earning god knows what amount a month.
She doesn’t deserve to have a voice on behalf of people who are struggling. I hate everything about her.
just my two cents. Poor people do not need to be taught how to manage a budget. We only spend what we need to. Budgeting or making tinned food into something it isn’t supposed to be isn’t the issue. TORIES are the fucking issue and that’s above Jacks remit. I wish she’d just disappear into oblivion.
Slopalong is so funny but it’s genuinely engaging at the same time. Poor people who rely on a food parcel cannot afford to be fucking around with her disgusting ‘meals’. Bottom line
I almost forgot- this week I had a treat and got some corned beef. Corned beef & baked bean hash is ELITE and it is what it is. On a jacket potato? Not dire
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lurkerfrau
Member
Oh my god, the bread
binkbonk
Well-known member
Good morning fraus
Pickin' Balls
The tin of spam was 300g instead of 340g but I took that as a blessing.
It was impossible to find tinned chicken in white sauce in Ireland so I settled for tinned chicken curry from M&S. Initially I was concerned the curry might affect the balls taste, but dear reader, I shouldn't have worried.
I didn't want to buy a slice pan for 2 slices of bread that were considered optional, so I decided I'd grate some of my bread roll (for lunch) if it was needed.
The tin of pineapples was double the size so I weighed out the equivalent of a 200g tin.
She didn't mention what vinegar to use so I just used malt.
I also used some flour for dusting which I had completely forgotten about until I stuck them in the oven and had to take them back out to dust
I scooped out the bits of chicken from the curry and removed the spam. I heated up the curry separately and it was decent, might be a good one for posh store cupboards.
Rinsed the chicken
Grated the spam. I cannot express how much psychic damage I took from this. The texture was disgusting. I chopped up the bits that I couldn't grate.
Chopped up the rinsed chicken
Combined in a bowl - it looks like fancy cat food. Added a pinch of 5 spice and salt which was essentially nothing? I didn't add the breadcrumbs as it stuck together quite well, and left it in the fridge while I made the sauce.
I pretended I didn't have a blender to save on washing up. She doesn't say to cut up the pineapple but I did so I wouldn't have two pineapple eyes staring back at me.
Brought to the boil and left it simmering.
Took out the meat mix and made little balls. Dusted in a little flour but left some of them plain to compare.
Half way through cooking. While turning them they all stuck to the pan and fell apart
Done.
Pickin' Balls
The name Pickin' Balls fascinated and disgusted me in equal parts. Why would someone name a dish after men scratching their genitalia? The recipe was also unlike anything I had ever read; the thoughts of grating spam haunting me as I carted the can up and down the country. Having dumped my bags contents on my bed Saturday night the can was one of the last things I saw, and what I woke up to the next morning. I decided to eat the frog.
The tin of spam was 300g instead of 340g but I took that as a blessing.
It was impossible to find tinned chicken in white sauce in Ireland so I settled for tinned chicken curry from M&S. Initially I was concerned the curry might affect the balls taste, but dear reader, I shouldn't have worried.
I didn't want to buy a slice pan for 2 slices of bread that were considered optional, so I decided I'd grate some of my bread roll (for lunch) if it was needed.
The tin of pineapples was double the size so I weighed out the equivalent of a 200g tin.
She didn't mention what vinegar to use so I just used malt.
I also used some flour for dusting which I had completely forgotten about until I stuck them in the oven and had to take them back out to dust
Spam: €2.49
Chicken: €4.40 but this is something you can get for cheaper in the UK
Pineapple: €1.09 - used slightly less than half of the tin so 50c
Tomatoes: €1.39 for 4 tins so 35c
The rest was in my cupboard so FREE (I think it would be about an extra €5)
TOTAL SPENT: €8.33
FOR RECIPE: €7.74
They took 30 minutes in the oven at 160°, and 20 minutes on the hob.
Chicken: €4.40 but this is something you can get for cheaper in the UK
Pineapple: €1.09 - used slightly less than half of the tin so 50c
Tomatoes: €1.39 for 4 tins so 35c
The rest was in my cupboard so FREE (I think it would be about an extra €5)
TOTAL SPENT: €8.33
FOR RECIPE: €7.74
They took 30 minutes in the oven at 160°, and 20 minutes on the hob.
I scooped out the bits of chicken from the curry and removed the spam. I heated up the curry separately and it was decent, might be a good one for posh store cupboards.
Rinsed the chicken
Grated the spam. I cannot express how much psychic damage I took from this. The texture was disgusting. I chopped up the bits that I couldn't grate.
Chopped up the rinsed chicken
Combined in a bowl - it looks like fancy cat food. Added a pinch of 5 spice and salt which was essentially nothing? I didn't add the breadcrumbs as it stuck together quite well, and left it in the fridge while I made the sauce.
I pretended I didn't have a blender to save on washing up. She doesn't say to cut up the pineapple but I did so I wouldn't have two pineapple eyes staring back at me.
Brought to the boil and left it simmering.
Took out the meat mix and made little balls. Dusted in a little flour but left some of them plain to compare.
Half way through cooking. While turning them they all stuck to the pan and fell apart
Done.
The balls by themselves were indescribable, and I mean that in the most neutral way possible. There was no taste other than "unspecified meat". They didn't have enough flavour to be defined by "bad" or "good"; it was the liminal space of food. It's what I imagine sci-fi nutrient blocks would taste like. The pinch of 5 spice did not give it "some life" as she claimed.
Texture was not great, the grated spam was weird. Maybe if I had added breadcrumbs they would have stuck together better.
The sauce was... ok? I wouldn't make it again but it definitely wasn't terrible and blended up with more spice it would be fine.
I was not a greedy goblin and did not inhale the lot but I did eat more than I thought I would, about 1/3 of the balls with sauce. I have no idea how much would be a serving as I can't imagine having to eat this as a meal.
Texture was not great, the grated spam was weird. Maybe if I had added breadcrumbs they would have stuck together better.
The sauce was... ok? I wouldn't make it again but it definitely wasn't terrible and blended up with more spice it would be fine.
I was not a greedy goblin and did not inhale the lot but I did eat more than I thought I would, about 1/3 of the balls with sauce. I have no idea how much would be a serving as I can't imagine having to eat this as a meal.
This recipe surprised me, in that it didn't taste disgusting after such a horrific method. I'm going to give her some credit here as, unlike other recipes where the ingredients are better suited elsewhere, I'm not sure what I would do with these specific tins had I been given them from a foodbank (except for having the curry separately, obviously). There has to be something better than grating spam though.
RATING
2.5: Indescribable.
RATING
2.5: Indescribable.
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Slopportunity Knocks
New member
Slopportunity Knocks Gnocchi AKA Slop Knocks Gnoc Slops AKA SKGS
We begin.
At the start of this I vowed to follow the recipe to the letter and not make any presumptions/adjustments, I don’t want to be responsible for trying to save her shitty recipe - I see the point of a recipe book is that you have paid someone else to guide you. From what we have seen here so far, JM’s recipes are the equivalent of a Sat Nav slowly, gently, guiding you to drive into a lake.
I did some voice notes as I cooked to help work up my review. My OH was also on hand to forensically document the SKGS
Ingredients -3 - easy to get but the required amount of potatoes mean you have to buy more than you need. The parsley is pointless and expensive.
Recipe - doesn’t work - 0
Visual Appeal - gip 0
Texture - double gip - 0
Taste - parsley gip - 0
Overall rating - 0.5 somewhere between Dire and Dog Shit. BINNED!
Now fuck off! x
We begin.
At the start of this I vowed to follow the recipe to the letter and not make any presumptions/adjustments, I don’t want to be responsible for trying to save her shitty recipe - I see the point of a recipe book is that you have paid someone else to guide you. From what we have seen here so far, JM’s recipes are the equivalent of a Sat Nav slowly, gently, guiding you to drive into a lake.
I did some voice notes as I cooked to help work up my review. My OH was also on hand to forensically document the SKGS
I assembled my ingredients
1 Egg - already had in FREE
100g Flour (no specification so went with plain) - already had in FREE
500g (drained weight - WARNED) tinned potatoes - 55p x 3 = £1.65
A handful of fresh parsley x 60p per packet
= AT LEAST £2.25
I couldn't find how she had costed it - if anyone has a version that estimates a £ per portion please share!
Each tin of potatoes had a drain weight of 180g so I had to decant three tins to reach the 500g goal - Obvs the weights are approximated on the tin but it left me with 132g of potatoes leftover. What do I do with these potatoes Jack - do I bung them in a curry!?!? Why 500g in the recipe?
1 Egg - already had in FREE
100g Flour (no specification so went with plain) - already had in FREE
500g (drained weight - WARNED) tinned potatoes - 55p x 3 = £1.65
A handful of fresh parsley x 60p per packet
= AT LEAST £2.25
I couldn't find how she had costed it - if anyone has a version that estimates a £ per portion please share!
Each tin of potatoes had a drain weight of 180g so I had to decant three tins to reach the 500g goal - Obvs the weights are approximated on the tin but it left me with 132g of potatoes leftover. What do I do with these potatoes Jack - do I bung them in a curry!?!? Why 500g in the recipe?
I was then directed to place the potatoes in a saucepan with water - cold or hot water was not specified so I went with cold. As I was told to use the drained weight (WARNED) I sieved the potatoes and then added them to the pan and put cold water on top.
“Bring to the boil reduce to a simmer and cook to warm through - around five minutes.”
Let’s time this shit, no specification what heat to have on the hob so I went with a happy ‘medium’. 6.27 minutes we reached boiling point so I chose to let them simmer for another 5. Voice Note “These potatoes are going to be hotter than the sun.”
I grabbed a handful of should I say fistful (bit gauche) of parsley and chopped finely. A handful is a lot of parsley.
Once a total of 11 minutes, 27 seconds was up I forensically followed orders and took the potatoes out of the pan with a SLOTTED spoon and mashed them QUICKLY. Here is a video of me mashing quickly rather than my normal ambling, laissez-farre slow mashing style so you can see I fully committed. Steamy!
Stir in parsley and egg. Voice note - “smells so fucking weird.”
Next add the flour and ‘work’ it into the mash potato. I didn’t sift it because she didn’t direct me to. If she thinks for one second I am using my hands (sorry Caroline) to do this, she is having a laugh, instead I used my cheapest whisk I was okay sacrificing,
It all got so stuck in my whisk. Voice note - “it smells so weird, it’s really hot and I am frightened.”
“Bring to the boil reduce to a simmer and cook to warm through - around five minutes.”
Let’s time this shit, no specification what heat to have on the hob so I went with a happy ‘medium’. 6.27 minutes we reached boiling point so I chose to let them simmer for another 5. Voice Note “These potatoes are going to be hotter than the sun.”
I grabbed a handful of should I say fistful (bit gauche) of parsley and chopped finely. A handful is a lot of parsley.
Once a total of 11 minutes, 27 seconds was up I forensically followed orders and took the potatoes out of the pan with a SLOTTED spoon and mashed them QUICKLY. Here is a video of me mashing quickly rather than my normal ambling, laissez-farre slow mashing style so you can see I fully committed. Steamy!
Stir in parsley and egg. Voice note - “smells so fucking weird.”
Next add the flour and ‘work’ it into the mash potato. I didn’t sift it because she didn’t direct me to. If she thinks for one second I am using my hands (sorry Caroline) to do this, she is having a laugh, instead I used my cheapest whisk I was okay sacrificing,
It all got so stuck in my whisk. Voice note - “it smells so weird, it’s really hot and I am frightened.”
Warning ahead - this is so gross and sloppy - skip if you are of a delicate disposition
After some spoon in whisk action my slop was free. Now comes the part where we are told to ‘tip the mixture our onto a floured surface and USE MY HANDS to work it for a few minutes to create a soft dough." As I had already committed to following the instructions, I could no longer avoid getting my hands in there. It was so WET! I did wear the gloves that came with my purple conditioner and reader, they may have saved my life. I could still feel the hot, slimy lumps oozing around my fingers but as you can see I could still be stuck to my kitchen surface had I not worn the gloves, perhaps that's where those kitchen counter thot shots came from - her Mediterranean arse was stuck to the counter top with wayward gnocchi slop .
Hot Slop Video - work that slop!
It was soft alright but a dough it was not. I think the last time I made this I added more flour to try and get it to a firmer consistency - this time I stuck to the recipe as written. It was physically impossible for me to roll this slop into a long thin sausage - so I used a knife to arrange about a quarter of the slop into 2.5cm long pieces - I even attempted a ridge effect with a fork.
Hot Slop Video - work that slop!
It was soft alright but a dough it was not. I think the last time I made this I added more flour to try and get it to a firmer consistency - this time I stuck to the recipe as written. It was physically impossible for me to roll this slop into a long thin sausage - so I used a knife to arrange about a quarter of the slop into 2.5cm long pieces - I even attempted a ridge effect with a fork.
The gnocchi did indeed rise in the boiling water to signal they were ‘done’. I was also done. Here is the finished product (the eagle eyed of you may spot that I have added a shop bought gnocchi in the meal - see if you can guess which it is!)
I fed a bit to OH and the texture made him do a little ‘gip’ which was a review in itself. Once he recovered he declared it “dire - it feels slimy and tastes of nothing, but also too much parsley all at the same time.” I tried a bit too - and the closest comparison is what I imagine eating of lumps of old wallpaper paste would feel like, if you mixed it with a fuck tonne of parsley. It is inedible, makes a huge mess, takes far longer than just boiling some gnocchi and potentially costs more to produce, whilst also wasting food because of the weird measurements of ingredients - why not base it on the drained weight of one tin of potatoes - why 500g? Why am I even asking this?
I fed a bit to OH and the texture made him do a little ‘gip’ which was a review in itself. Once he recovered he declared it “dire - it feels slimy and tastes of nothing, but also too much parsley all at the same time.” I tried a bit too - and the closest comparison is what I imagine eating of lumps of old wallpaper paste would feel like, if you mixed it with a fuck tonne of parsley. It is inedible, makes a huge mess, takes far longer than just boiling some gnocchi and potentially costs more to produce, whilst also wasting food because of the weird measurements of ingredients - why not base it on the drained weight of one tin of potatoes - why 500g? Why am I even asking this?
Ingredients -3 - easy to get but the required amount of potatoes mean you have to buy more than you need. The parsley is pointless and expensive.
Recipe - doesn’t work - 0
Visual Appeal - gip 0
Texture - double gip - 0
Taste - parsley gip - 0
Overall rating - 0.5 somewhere between Dire and Dog Shit. BINNED!
Now fuck off! x
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Tabitha D
VIP Member
Here goes!
I chose the RED MUSHROOM CURRY from Jack’s website, as I thought it sounded relatively inoffensive. As it turns out, I was wrong.
I decided to half everything to make 1-2 servings (instead of 2-4). Here’s the link:
https://cookingonabootstrap.com/2018/02/13/red-mushroom-curry-40p-vg-v-df-gf/?amp=1
Ingredients:
She calls this a “hot spicy little number”, but it only has 1/8 tsp chilli flakes for 1-2 people. This is barely visible to the naked eye. FFS. Has she no taste buds?
Cost:
I had everything in already apart from the mushrooms, which cost 60p.
Making the “curry paste” in the blender:
Why is there passata in this? A teeny tiny amount, but still. Red curry paste gets its colour from dried and fresh red chillies, there’s no tomato. (There’s also things like lemongrass, galangal, fish sauce etc. none of which is here.) But passata is red, I suppose, so there is that. But what do I know, Jack is the self-proclaimed food expert.
Anyway, the “paste” is not a paste - slurry is more like it. It is pinkish and tastes overwhelmingly of raw onion. Really unpleasant.
Cooking the “curry”:
The instructions said wash the mushrooms, which I did. Then halved (although Jack’s photo shows them whole), and into the cold pan with a “dash” of oil and some salt until “gently browned”.
I then added the “paste” and simmered for 20 mins, as per instructions.
And here’s the finished product.
Nutrition (for the whole 1-2 person serving):
Calories: 250 (181 from the coconut milk)
Carbs: 16g
Saturated fat: 16g (that’s pretty high for a tiny meal)
Protein: 5g (very low)
That is quite bad enough as a single portion, but if you split it between 2 people, that’s 125 cals each FFS. I’m actually furious that she is passing this off as a meal.
Verdict:
A red curry that’s neither red nor a curry. The dominant taste is raw onion (due to the main ingredient in the “paste” being blended raw onion, I guess), with an unpleasant muddy back note. There is no heat in this at all, and it looks like slurry. Nutritionally, it barely qualifies as a side dish.
Taste: 1/5
Visual appeal: 1/5
Nutrition: 0/5
I chose the RED MUSHROOM CURRY from Jack’s website, as I thought it sounded relatively inoffensive. As it turns out, I was wrong.
I decided to half everything to make 1-2 servings (instead of 2-4). Here’s the link:
https://cookingonabootstrap.com/2018/02/13/red-mushroom-curry-40p-vg-v-df-gf/?amp=1
Ingredients:
She calls this a “hot spicy little number”, but it only has 1/8 tsp chilli flakes for 1-2 people. This is barely visible to the naked eye. FFS. Has she no taste buds?
Cost:
I had everything in already apart from the mushrooms, which cost 60p.
Making the “curry paste” in the blender:
Why is there passata in this? A teeny tiny amount, but still. Red curry paste gets its colour from dried and fresh red chillies, there’s no tomato. (There’s also things like lemongrass, galangal, fish sauce etc. none of which is here.) But passata is red, I suppose, so there is that. But what do I know, Jack is the self-proclaimed food expert.
Anyway, the “paste” is not a paste - slurry is more like it. It is pinkish and tastes overwhelmingly of raw onion. Really unpleasant.
Cooking the “curry”:
The instructions said wash the mushrooms, which I did. Then halved (although Jack’s photo shows them whole), and into the cold pan with a “dash” of oil and some salt until “gently browned”.
I then added the “paste” and simmered for 20 mins, as per instructions.
And here’s the finished product.
Nutrition (for the whole 1-2 person serving):
Calories: 250 (181 from the coconut milk)
Carbs: 16g
Saturated fat: 16g (that’s pretty high for a tiny meal)
Protein: 5g (very low)
That is quite bad enough as a single portion, but if you split it between 2 people, that’s 125 cals each FFS. I’m actually furious that she is passing this off as a meal.
Verdict:
A red curry that’s neither red nor a curry. The dominant taste is raw onion (due to the main ingredient in the “paste” being blended raw onion, I guess), with an unpleasant muddy back note. There is no heat in this at all, and it looks like slurry. Nutritionally, it barely qualifies as a side dish.
Taste: 1/5
Visual appeal: 1/5
Nutrition: 0/5
GladysMcHaggis
Member
Ok fraus, brace yourselves.
Roman Pasta with Mandarins and Creamy Basil Sauce
ETA I forgot to add my best photo :
Roman Pasta with Mandarins and Creamy Basil Sauce
1 large onion - free (20p)
2 tbsp oil - free
150g pasta - free (25p)
Handful fresh basil - 52p
Handful fresh parsley - 57p
200g tinned mandarins - free (50p)
200ml natural yoghurt - 28p
Spenny pasta because I am fancy. Prices based on Tesco, Lidl
2 tbsp oil - free
150g pasta - free (25p)
Handful fresh basil - 52p
Handful fresh parsley - 57p
200g tinned mandarins - free (50p)
200ml natural yoghurt - 28p
Spenny pasta because I am fancy. Prices based on Tesco, Lidl
I finely sliced my onion, added the 2 tablespoons of oil into the cold pan then turned on to a medium heat to sweat.
Then I put pasta on to boil. I salted my pasta water but the recipe is a stranger to salt and pepper or seasoning of any kind. Pasta takes 11 minutes to cook.
Once pasta is on I finely sliced a handful of basil and parsley and added to the onions in the pan. Felt like this was too early but I'm following the recipe.
Then I put pasta on to boil. I salted my pasta water but the recipe is a stranger to salt and pepper or seasoning of any kind. Pasta takes 11 minutes to cook.
Once pasta is on I finely sliced a handful of basil and parsley and added to the onions in the pan. Felt like this was too early but I'm following the recipe.
Then against all my better judgement I added the mandarins to the pan. She said use a spoon to strain off most of the juice but I used a sieve because I'm an adult
Then I added the yoghurt. I had to get my husband to video this because I felt if I had to go through it then you do too. Sadly the video is too large so you will have to make do with a photo.
I cannot quite find the words to describe to you the smell. Recipe says to serve with plenty of strong hard cheese. I elected to use cheddar as I wasn't going to waste any decent Italian cheese on this monstrosity. However no cheese is going to save this - trust me.
Mr McHaggis point blank refused to taste it which surprised me as he is made of strong stuff usually but I think this broke him. Probably shouldn't have asked him to video it.
Luckily oldest son was prepared to take one for team. One mouthful was enough. He said it started out bland, then turned sour with a lingering after taste that kept getting worse. Don't mince your words son.
I explained the voting system and he decided it merited a 1 - Dire. Not quite dog-shit but definitely not as high as Terrible.
Mr McHaggis point blank refused to taste it which surprised me as he is made of strong stuff usually but I think this broke him. Probably shouldn't have asked him to video it.
Luckily oldest son was prepared to take one for team. One mouthful was enough. He said it started out bland, then turned sour with a lingering after taste that kept getting worse. Don't mince your words son.
I explained the voting system and he decided it merited a 1 - Dire. Not quite dog-shit but definitely not as high as Terrible.
Off to the recycling bin. No chance of rescuing it - it was vile.
I know this is a fun exercise but I have to say when you actually make the food and realise how bloody awful it is, it is enraging.
Having the pasta with basil and cheese and plenty of black pepper would have been a nice, simple meal. The mandarins and the parsley are pointless and the yoghurt is just an abomination.
I was actually on holiday in Italy last week and I spent some time looking for authentic Italian pasta recipes with fruit. The only thing I could find that was similar to this was a pasta recipe with ricotta and fresh berries, basil and mint. Now I can imagine actually eating that - creamy ricotta, fresh berries, mint - sounds lovely because it was devised by someone who understands food. How she gets away with this utter tripe is quite beyond me. Any people like Jay Rayner and Nigella promoting her?? Like what the hell?
I have lost all desire for food at this point so I will do the Carbrienara tomorrow. I am hoping it will at least be edible unlike this.
Having the pasta with basil and cheese and plenty of black pepper would have been a nice, simple meal. The mandarins and the parsley are pointless and the yoghurt is just an abomination.
I was actually on holiday in Italy last week and I spent some time looking for authentic Italian pasta recipes with fruit. The only thing I could find that was similar to this was a pasta recipe with ricotta and fresh berries, basil and mint. Now I can imagine actually eating that - creamy ricotta, fresh berries, mint - sounds lovely because it was devised by someone who understands food. How she gets away with this utter tripe is quite beyond me. Any people like Jay Rayner and Nigella promoting her?? Like what the hell?
I have lost all desire for food at this point so I will do the Carbrienara tomorrow. I am hoping it will at least be edible unlike this.
ETA I forgot to add my best photo :
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FlirtyThirty
VIP Member
Well, that was an hour of my life I'll never get back.
Firstly I gathered up my ingredients. I had most things, and as I decided to cook the slop at my sisters, I borrowed some bits off her. Namely the cinnamon and two different types of vinegar - the recipe calls for 'oil' and 'vinegar' without specifying type. She only had a little bit of malt and a little apple cider, so those it was. All vinegars are interchangeable, right?
Started off by peeling the garlic and slicing the onion. Into the cold 'oil' they went - the specification was 'a little' oil, but I put in enough to actually do the job of starting to soften the onions because I KNOW HOW TO COOK.
This seemed like a lot of onion.
I cooked it til it was softening, then added SIX FAT CLOVES of garlic, unadorned. Then chucked in the elusive and wily aubergine (they must have been forewarned of their fate, RIP aubergine, go well lad) Then I added half a tsp of cinnamon, chilli flakes, cumin seeds and ONE EIGHTH of a teaspoon of fennel seeds wtf. Stirred.
At this point I was instructed to add half a cup of water 'about 125ml' and 'crank up the heat' while I put the lentils on. There were no further instructions as to what to do with the mix while the lentils were cooking for 12 minutes. Lads, the water was immediately slurped up by the poor aubergine so I stirred like fuck to stop it burning and wrecking my sisters pan. There was a pervasive smell of cinnamon in the air.
The lentils were also playing silly buggers - having been instructed to 'cover with water' which I did, no depth specified, they immediately absorbed it all in their efforts to produce their 'scum' (her words not mine) I had to add a lot more water 'covering' them was not enough.
Lentils: scummy, but not as scummy as Jack.
Cooked lentils were rinsed like beans and then plopped in to the onion concoction which had been stirred to death.
Stirred it all up like a pro and added the two tbsp of tomato puree, and the one of each vinegar. Cinnamon smell briefly replaced by chip shop smell.
At this point the recipe says 'bring to the boil'. Bring what to the boil? This is not slop by any means. There's no liquid left, this is dryer than a Saharan Nun's hooha. I quote 'It should take 10 more minutes to meld into this glossy, orange, spicy goodness, and the liquid should thicken to an unctuous sauce.' WHAT LIQUID, JACK?! THERE IS NO FUCKING LIQUID.
So I was forced to deviate from the recipe and I added half a pint of water.
At least it looked a bit curry-ish at this point, though those garlic cloves were concerning me. Are we supposed to eat them like that? Hmm.
So I cooked it for another ten minutes, and this was the end result. Are you ready for your close up?
Jack adds this stupid instruction at this point, and again I howl WHAT. LIQUID. HOW CAN IT BE TOO WATERY?!?!?!?!
I portioned out half (though apparently this can serve four)
My sister shrieked at the state of my nail in this pic, fraus how I laughed. It's pen. Authentic though right?
So then I had to try it. The first forkful was all onion. Crunchy onion. I could actually taste the chilli, so there's some warmth. That was about it though. I tried a bit of aubergine, it just mooshed in my mouth with a sad tasteless splat. All I was getting was chilli. Absolutely no flavour of curry. I managed another bit of onion, but wasn't even getting any of the cinnamon. My stomach started to hurt a bit at this point because of the amount of pretty much still raw onion.
Sister observed taste test and said 'I'm not eating that shit' and stormed out the house, returning with this!!!
Modelled by well kempt doggo Jasper. Jasper is salty as he is not allowed this delight and also he hasn't been near the kitchen to beg since I put the slop on (telling in itself!)
Well. I used an online calculator to analyze this 'recipe'...
It's not good, is it? 185 calories. Fuck you Jack, you'd need to eat TWO packets of microwave rice with this to make it up to say 650 calories. Even with the 'greedy' eating of half that's only 370 calories and it's ALL FUCKING ONION.
My stomach is growling unhappily and I only had a few mouthfuls. The rest will be going in the bin. What a colossal waste of food and time and energy. I'm fucking furious she's getting away with this. I can afford to now have another meal (thanks sis and Charlie B) but what if this was your only dinner option? Raging.
Score: 1 - dire.
I'd like to introduce 0 - dogshit, but if I was in dire straits, I could force myself to eat this, but I think it would make me ill. Also dogshit probably actually tastes like *something*.
Started off by peeling the garlic and slicing the onion. Into the cold 'oil' they went - the specification was 'a little' oil, but I put in enough to actually do the job of starting to soften the onions because I KNOW HOW TO COOK.
This seemed like a lot of onion.
I cooked it til it was softening, then added SIX FAT CLOVES of garlic, unadorned. Then chucked in the elusive and wily aubergine (they must have been forewarned of their fate, RIP aubergine, go well lad) Then I added half a tsp of cinnamon, chilli flakes, cumin seeds and ONE EIGHTH of a teaspoon of fennel seeds wtf. Stirred.
At this point I was instructed to add half a cup of water 'about 125ml' and 'crank up the heat' while I put the lentils on. There were no further instructions as to what to do with the mix while the lentils were cooking for 12 minutes. Lads, the water was immediately slurped up by the poor aubergine so I stirred like fuck to stop it burning and wrecking my sisters pan. There was a pervasive smell of cinnamon in the air.
The lentils were also playing silly buggers - having been instructed to 'cover with water' which I did, no depth specified, they immediately absorbed it all in their efforts to produce their 'scum' (her words not mine) I had to add a lot more water 'covering' them was not enough.
Lentils: scummy, but not as scummy as Jack.
Cooked lentils were rinsed like beans and then plopped in to the onion concoction which had been stirred to death.
Stirred it all up like a pro and added the two tbsp of tomato puree, and the one of each vinegar. Cinnamon smell briefly replaced by chip shop smell.
At this point the recipe says 'bring to the boil'. Bring what to the boil? This is not slop by any means. There's no liquid left, this is dryer than a Saharan Nun's hooha. I quote 'It should take 10 more minutes to meld into this glossy, orange, spicy goodness, and the liquid should thicken to an unctuous sauce.' WHAT LIQUID, JACK?! THERE IS NO FUCKING LIQUID.
So I was forced to deviate from the recipe and I added half a pint of water.
At least it looked a bit curry-ish at this point, though those garlic cloves were concerning me. Are we supposed to eat them like that? Hmm.
So I cooked it for another ten minutes, and this was the end result. Are you ready for your close up?
Jack adds this stupid instruction at this point, and again I howl WHAT. LIQUID. HOW CAN IT BE TOO WATERY?!?!?!?!
I portioned out half (though apparently this can serve four)
My sister shrieked at the state of my nail in this pic, fraus how I laughed. It's pen. Authentic though right?
So then I had to try it. The first forkful was all onion. Crunchy onion. I could actually taste the chilli, so there's some warmth. That was about it though. I tried a bit of aubergine, it just mooshed in my mouth with a sad tasteless splat. All I was getting was chilli. Absolutely no flavour of curry. I managed another bit of onion, but wasn't even getting any of the cinnamon. My stomach started to hurt a bit at this point because of the amount of pretty much still raw onion.
Sister observed taste test and said 'I'm not eating that shit' and stormed out the house, returning with this!!!
Modelled by well kempt doggo Jasper. Jasper is salty as he is not allowed this delight and also he hasn't been near the kitchen to beg since I put the slop on (telling in itself!)
Well. I used an online calculator to analyze this 'recipe'...
It's not good, is it? 185 calories. Fuck you Jack, you'd need to eat TWO packets of microwave rice with this to make it up to say 650 calories. Even with the 'greedy' eating of half that's only 370 calories and it's ALL FUCKING ONION.
My stomach is growling unhappily and I only had a few mouthfuls. The rest will be going in the bin. What a colossal waste of food and time and energy. I'm fucking furious she's getting away with this. I can afford to now have another meal (thanks sis and Charlie B) but what if this was your only dinner option? Raging.
Score: 1 - dire.
I'd like to introduce 0 - dogshit, but if I was in dire straits, I could force myself to eat this, but I think it would make me ill. Also dogshit probably actually tastes like *something*.
Potatoes O’Houlihan
Well-known member
Here goes my darlings...forgive me if my formatting is a bit berserk, I’m PAINSTAKINGLY typing it out on an OBSOLETE iPhone do you want me to stop BREATHING???
Two-Ingredient Cake
I spent 40 p on the custard and 45p on the sponge mix. Already had the grease for the tin and I didn’t bother with sultanas because they are the devil’s work and I just knew the chances were high that they’d only go to waste anyway:
Recipe is simple enough: open tin, pour and scrape into a bowl, add the sponge mix but pass it through a sieve first to remove lumps and mix:
The mix actually looked quite promising, I began to get a bit excited:
Into the oven it went. I was tempted to go rogue and line my tin with parchment but I stuck to the rules and put my faith in my non- stick pan.
I checked it after 20 mins and it was looking GOOD!
It was rising beautifully, I was honestly surprised at how well it was going.
Cooked it as directed in my fan oven at 160 deg C for 45 mins and it looked great. However, being a wise Frau, I stuck a knife in it to test and... it was soaking wet still.
Back in the oven it went for ten more mins, same thing after that so back for another ten so that’s 1 hour and 5 mins now. Mindful of my electric meter whizzing round like a spinning top, I made the executive decision to take the cake out and turn the oven off.
As instructed, I let it rest in the tin for 30mins.
After 30 mins, this is what I came back to:
It had totally collapsed and compacted in the tin.
Now to remove it...thank goodness I had a spring form tin because it was welded to the bottom and it would never have come out in one piece otherwise. Had to prise it from its base but it’s a good quality tin so it was ok getting it off in the end.
Results....
As you can see, it’s a discus of stodge. It’s about 2cm deep.
It is nowhere near an ‘ambrosial delight’. It’s not even ‘saccharine sweet’ . It’s chewy, bendy like rubber and surprisingly bland.
There was a bit of the mixture on the knife I used to test it. It’s so rubbery that it can be used as playdough
This recipe DOES NOT WORK. I guess I knew it wouldn’t work, hence only investing 85p on the ingredients for it. I used up 5 KWH of electricity trying to get it to cook which has whacked £1.43 on my bill this morning.
Ridiculous, such a lazy grifting charlatan, how she’s still getting away with this, I do not know.
This was an ‘exclusive recipe from the Asda version of ‘Tin Can Cook’ , hence the asterisks in the ingredients list - they mean she’s supposedly tested it using Asda ingredients.
Pffft
Verdict - cheap ingredients yes
Energy consumption big fat NO
Level 1 result: Dire
Please do not try this in your home, I went through it so you didn’t have to. Now fuck off x
Ps if this is too long, please can someone put it behind one of those spoiler button things for me thank youuu x
Two-Ingredient Cake
I spent 40 p on the custard and 45p on the sponge mix. Already had the grease for the tin and I didn’t bother with sultanas because they are the devil’s work and I just knew the chances were high that they’d only go to waste anyway:
Recipe is simple enough: open tin, pour and scrape into a bowl, add the sponge mix but pass it through a sieve first to remove lumps and mix:
The mix actually looked quite promising, I began to get a bit excited:
Into the oven it went. I was tempted to go rogue and line my tin with parchment but I stuck to the rules and put my faith in my non- stick pan.
I checked it after 20 mins and it was looking GOOD!
It was rising beautifully, I was honestly surprised at how well it was going.
Cooked it as directed in my fan oven at 160 deg C for 45 mins and it looked great. However, being a wise Frau, I stuck a knife in it to test and... it was soaking wet still.
Back in the oven it went for ten more mins, same thing after that so back for another ten so that’s 1 hour and 5 mins now. Mindful of my electric meter whizzing round like a spinning top, I made the executive decision to take the cake out and turn the oven off.
As instructed, I let it rest in the tin for 30mins.
After 30 mins, this is what I came back to:
It had totally collapsed and compacted in the tin.
Now to remove it...thank goodness I had a spring form tin because it was welded to the bottom and it would never have come out in one piece otherwise. Had to prise it from its base but it’s a good quality tin so it was ok getting it off in the end.
Results....
As you can see, it’s a discus of stodge. It’s about 2cm deep.
It is nowhere near an ‘ambrosial delight’. It’s not even ‘saccharine sweet’ . It’s chewy, bendy like rubber and surprisingly bland.
There was a bit of the mixture on the knife I used to test it. It’s so rubbery that it can be used as playdough
This recipe DOES NOT WORK. I guess I knew it wouldn’t work, hence only investing 85p on the ingredients for it. I used up 5 KWH of electricity trying to get it to cook which has whacked £1.43 on my bill this morning.
Ridiculous, such a lazy grifting charlatan, how she’s still getting away with this, I do not know.
This was an ‘exclusive recipe from the Asda version of ‘Tin Can Cook’ , hence the asterisks in the ingredients list - they mean she’s supposedly tested it using Asda ingredients.
Pffft
Verdict - cheap ingredients yes
Energy consumption big fat NO
Level 1 result: Dire
Please do not try this in your home, I went through it so you didn’t have to. Now fuck off x
Ps if this is too long, please can someone put it behind one of those spoiler button things for me thank youuu x
NobblyBobbly
Member
The chilli's done. The recipe was some what baffling as there's absolutely no fucking timings (except boiling the shit out of beans for 10 mins) so I've had to use a bit of common sense- I have however followed the instructions EXACTLY to the letter. How can a recipe have no timings? Ludicrous.
Ingredients
I had everything in except the wine and chocolate, or so I thought! I had failed at the first hurdle- the all important forensic stocktake. Oh well, beans is beans. We have pinto here instead of kidney. I ploughed on. I'm currently having a car chaos this week so I yomped to the village shop to pick up the wine (£7.95) and chocolate (95p). Definitely more expensive than it could of been, but not every one has access to Asda Jack, sue me. I also wanted to actually drink the wine.
A note here- wine and dark chocolate? Very bougie ingredients for a budget recipe. A brave squig flagged this in the website comments, to which Jack retorted her friends often brought round wine to her dinner parties, and she kept leftovers under the sink. We all know this is a complete fantasy.
Method
The first task for any discerning slop chef- bean rinsing. Here's the money shot.
Rinsed baked beans and pinto beans went into a saucepan with cold water, Jack instructs a rapid boil for 10 minutes followed by a simmer for an unspecified time until they're soft. It struck me at this point perhaps she was getting her dried beans mixed up with her tinned, but I decided the less I thought about Jack's methods the better. Off they boiled.
Whilst I committed the bean massacre, diced onion (no size specified, quelle surprise, so I went smallish) and chopped chilli went into a cold pan with oil. They were joined with - probably my aneurysm now - a 'shake' of paprika and cumin. Barely a smattering.
Now the method here states cook these on a low heat. As the beans were well on their way to obliteration I cranked the heat up slightly to get them going, then lowered. Sounds obvious, but the recipe just doesn't tell you this. Once these were softened, as instructed I added the wine, toms and stock cube to the luke warm pan. I was losing patience here fraus.
It's time to check on the beans.
They're back in the sink, colander's working overtime tonight. The baked beans have taken quite the battering but the pinto's are still holding their own. Into the pan they go.
The dog disappeared at this point, there was a bad, cloying smell emitting from the pan. We cook on- I obediently stirred until the chocolate was melted. Time to serve!
I divided the slop into quarters, and plated. Calories per person - 263. I fart-arsed about at this point creating this performative shot (what on earth did I need a knife for?). The chilli didn't move an inch, solid as a rock. The baked beans have dissolved into a thickening agent. PS. Sorry for the lack of props, I was DONE at this point. Jack provided no serving suggestion short of gormlessly sticking a spoon in her mouth so I popped it on a plate so you can scale it. Pathetic.
Taste
It tastes like beans in tomato sauce, like the ones I rinsed 45 minutes ago. It will come as no surprise to anyone that it tastes of NOTHING. The wine and chocolate are so performative it's laughable. The money you've spent on those ingredients could have been spent on cinnamon, garlic, oregano, crushed chilli flakes, maybe some mushrooms, a tin of sweetcorn, red peppers, smartprice cheddar.. it would be so much better and more nutritious. The wine and chocolate are lovely as a finishing touch in a middle class kitchen but a chilli holds up without them, get the basics right first FFS. It's thoughtless, I don't think more than 10 mins went into writing this recipe. Mumma Jack's best ever? Please.
Verdict
I would have given this a 2 as it's technically edible, but as I had to make up all the timings, it's getting a 1.5. It's a boring meal, completely uninspiring and not worth the 45 mins it took to make. I'm lucky I had the time and resources as an experiment, but I'd be pretty disheartened if I had to serve this to my family. I ate one portion and put the rest in a bowl for the fridge. Worth noting the bowl was the same size as the one Jack was holding on the website- so she's eating 3 portions of this in the photo. Granted food styling and photography isn't exactly accurate, and I wouldn't usually be arsed, but for a budget cook it's incredibly misleading to show triple the portion size as a standard portion.
Donations made to my local foodbank and a dog shelter close to my heart who are struggling with bills at the mo. I'll post the receipts later when I've worked out how to blank out the details.
Ingredients
I had everything in except the wine and chocolate, or so I thought! I had failed at the first hurdle- the all important forensic stocktake. Oh well, beans is beans. We have pinto here instead of kidney. I ploughed on. I'm currently having a car chaos this week so I yomped to the village shop to pick up the wine (£7.95) and chocolate (95p). Definitely more expensive than it could of been, but not every one has access to Asda Jack, sue me. I also wanted to actually drink the wine.
A note here- wine and dark chocolate? Very bougie ingredients for a budget recipe. A brave squig flagged this in the website comments, to which Jack retorted her friends often brought round wine to her dinner parties, and she kept leftovers under the sink. We all know this is a complete fantasy.
Method
The first task for any discerning slop chef- bean rinsing. Here's the money shot.
Rinsed baked beans and pinto beans went into a saucepan with cold water, Jack instructs a rapid boil for 10 minutes followed by a simmer for an unspecified time until they're soft. It struck me at this point perhaps she was getting her dried beans mixed up with her tinned, but I decided the less I thought about Jack's methods the better. Off they boiled.
Whilst I committed the bean massacre, diced onion (no size specified, quelle surprise, so I went smallish) and chopped chilli went into a cold pan with oil. They were joined with - probably my aneurysm now - a 'shake' of paprika and cumin. Barely a smattering.
Now the method here states cook these on a low heat. As the beans were well on their way to obliteration I cranked the heat up slightly to get them going, then lowered. Sounds obvious, but the recipe just doesn't tell you this. Once these were softened, as instructed I added the wine, toms and stock cube to the luke warm pan. I was losing patience here fraus.
It's time to check on the beans.
They're back in the sink, colander's working overtime tonight. The baked beans have taken quite the battering but the pinto's are still holding their own. Into the pan they go.
The dog disappeared at this point, there was a bad, cloying smell emitting from the pan. We cook on- I obediently stirred until the chocolate was melted. Time to serve!
I divided the slop into quarters, and plated. Calories per person - 263. I fart-arsed about at this point creating this performative shot (what on earth did I need a knife for?). The chilli didn't move an inch, solid as a rock. The baked beans have dissolved into a thickening agent. PS. Sorry for the lack of props, I was DONE at this point. Jack provided no serving suggestion short of gormlessly sticking a spoon in her mouth so I popped it on a plate so you can scale it. Pathetic.
Taste
It tastes like beans in tomato sauce, like the ones I rinsed 45 minutes ago. It will come as no surprise to anyone that it tastes of NOTHING. The wine and chocolate are so performative it's laughable. The money you've spent on those ingredients could have been spent on cinnamon, garlic, oregano, crushed chilli flakes, maybe some mushrooms, a tin of sweetcorn, red peppers, smartprice cheddar.. it would be so much better and more nutritious. The wine and chocolate are lovely as a finishing touch in a middle class kitchen but a chilli holds up without them, get the basics right first FFS. It's thoughtless, I don't think more than 10 mins went into writing this recipe. Mumma Jack's best ever? Please.
Verdict
I would have given this a 2 as it's technically edible, but as I had to make up all the timings, it's getting a 1.5. It's a boring meal, completely uninspiring and not worth the 45 mins it took to make. I'm lucky I had the time and resources as an experiment, but I'd be pretty disheartened if I had to serve this to my family. I ate one portion and put the rest in a bowl for the fridge. Worth noting the bowl was the same size as the one Jack was holding on the website- so she's eating 3 portions of this in the photo. Granted food styling and photography isn't exactly accurate, and I wouldn't usually be arsed, but for a budget cook it's incredibly misleading to show triple the portion size as a standard portion.
Donations made to my local foodbank and a dog shelter close to my heart who are struggling with bills at the mo. I'll post the receipts later when I've worked out how to blank out the details.
BlairWaldorf86
VIP Member
I cannot get enough of this 5 minute thing, with Tom Cruise dressing
(FORENSIC!)
So I was a bit disappointed when I found out what this recipe actually was (a salad) as I wanted to make a proper slop.
I had all the ingredients already, so it was actually free to make
Cost using the very cheapest versions available at Tesco, as that’s where I shop: £1.68 (using Jack Maffs where you can buy 100g of frozen spinach for the same price per unit as a 900g bag).
Jack’s blog post states 60p but I guess that was a long time ago?
I did make a few substitutions:
Recipe only states “oil”, naturally I decided to use extra virgin olive oil as it’s a salad.
I only had cherry tomatoes so used those.
Recipe doesn’t specify the type of mustard so I used Colman’s.
Recipe states “fat cloves of garlic”, I thought 6 cloves between 2 people was quite enough already, so just used the 6 biggest ones I had. Also, she’s costed this using the cheapest garlic you can buy, but those bulbs are always tiny and you’d never get fat cloves.
On to the method!
5 minute thing with Tom Cruise Dressing*, 60p
One afternoon in the all-hours flail-and-flurry that was this-glorious-top-secret-for-now-project, I emerged from my writing corner (apologies to Virginia Woolf for not managing an entire ‘room of …
cookingonabootstrap.com
(FORENSIC!)
So I was a bit disappointed when I found out what this recipe actually was (a salad) as I wanted to make a proper slop.
I had all the ingredients already, so it was actually free to make
Cost using the very cheapest versions available at Tesco, as that’s where I shop: £1.68 (using Jack Maffs where you can buy 100g of frozen spinach for the same price per unit as a 900g bag).
Jack’s blog post states 60p but I guess that was a long time ago?
I did make a few substitutions:
Recipe only states “oil”, naturally I decided to use extra virgin olive oil as it’s a salad.
I only had cherry tomatoes so used those.
Recipe doesn’t specify the type of mustard so I used Colman’s.
Recipe states “fat cloves of garlic”, I thought 6 cloves between 2 people was quite enough already, so just used the 6 biggest ones I had. Also, she’s costed this using the cheapest garlic you can buy, but those bulbs are always tiny and you’d never get fat cloves.
On to the method!
Dressing first. I measured out the oil.
It seemed like an awful lot.
Oh well, on with the other dressing ingredients:
Actual footage of me shaking the dressing:
Not really. (Still not sure what Tom Cruise has to do with it, must be because she’s such a MAVERICK smol pixie)
So I opened up the lid to check if it needed further shaking.
Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear
It did get there in the end. That done, onto the meecrowavey:
And the obligatory rinsing pic:
Return to the meecrowavey. Jack says that cooking garlic in its pricked skins is a shortcut to roasted garlic.
No it is not.
(Wine bottle for scale, these were not fat cloves, alas)
The garlic appeared shrivelled and not very soft.
Also Jack did not instruct me to drain the defrosted (hot) spinach - I didn’t want the salad to be swimming so I squeezed it out in the colander after I’d drained the chickpeas. I think maybe she made this once, with fresh spinach, then substituted frozen in the recipe to keep the cost down? A theme is emerging here Fraus…
I pressed on. Chopped the tomatoes and onion and chucked it all in a bowl:
Time to stir! I was heating up food for my baby at the same time so I gave myself 50 seconds to toss it all together:
(Baby’s lunch was looking more appetising at this point honestly)
It seemed like an awful lot.
Oh well, on with the other dressing ingredients:
Actual footage of me shaking the dressing:
Not really. (Still not sure what Tom Cruise has to do with it, must be because she’s such a MAVERICK smol pixie)
So I opened up the lid to check if it needed further shaking.
Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear
And the obligatory rinsing pic:
Return to the meecrowavey. Jack says that cooking garlic in its pricked skins is a shortcut to roasted garlic.
No it is not.
(Wine bottle for scale, these were not fat cloves, alas)
The garlic appeared shrivelled and not very soft.
Also Jack did not instruct me to drain the defrosted (hot) spinach - I didn’t want the salad to be swimming so I squeezed it out in the colander after I’d drained the chickpeas. I think maybe she made this once, with fresh spinach, then substituted frozen in the recipe to keep the cost down? A theme is emerging here Fraus…
I pressed on. Chopped the tomatoes and onion and chucked it all in a bowl:
Time to stir! I was heating up food for my baby at the same time so I gave myself 50 seconds to toss it all together:
(Baby’s lunch was looking more appetising at this point honestly)
Ingredients: 3. Absolutely solidly middle class.
Recipe: 1. A weird mix of vague and specific (what kind of oil?), missing instructions. I think she made it once, wrote it down from memory, tweaked some things to make it cheaper and never made it again.
Visual appeal: 3. It definitely isn’t an ovary groaner and I can’t say I ever want to greedily inhale salad, but it looks fine if you don’t look too closely and notice the garlic.
Texture: 3. Again, fine, mainly chickpeas and tomatoes and onion.
Taste: 2. Where to begin?! There is WAY too much raw onion. (She doesn’t specify the size of onion) Olive oil was too strong and made it taste bitter. I was worried about the peanut butter but couldn’t taste that really. I nibbled at the garlic and it tasted of nothing. I guess all the flavour evaporated in the microwave?
Essentially, it tasted of raw onion swimming in olive oil with the added texture of chickpeas.
How can something with so few ingredients, all of which are nice, be so wrong?
Overall: 2 - Terrible
Recipe: 1. A weird mix of vague and specific (what kind of oil?), missing instructions. I think she made it once, wrote it down from memory, tweaked some things to make it cheaper and never made it again.
Visual appeal: 3. It definitely isn’t an ovary groaner and I can’t say I ever want to greedily inhale salad, but it looks fine if you don’t look too closely and notice the garlic.
Texture: 3. Again, fine, mainly chickpeas and tomatoes and onion.
Taste: 2. Where to begin?! There is WAY too much raw onion. (She doesn’t specify the size of onion
) Olive oil was too strong and made it taste bitter. I was worried about the peanut butter but couldn’t taste that really. I nibbled at the garlic and it tasted of nothing. I guess all the flavour evaporated in the microwave?Essentially, it tasted of raw onion swimming in olive oil with the added texture of chickpeas.
How can something with so few ingredients, all of which are nice, be so wrong?
Overall: 2 - Terrible
When my OH got home I invited him to try “the slop”. I had only managed a few mouthfuls so there was nearly a whole bowlful for him.
Fraus, he declared it “pretty nice” but “way too much onion”.
I expressed surprise that he used the word “nice” and he said “maybe it would be better blended?”
At this point I opened the front door and booted him out. He’s now on his way to Southend with a couple of juicy burgers (or perhaps kebabs).
Fraus, he declared it “pretty nice” but “way too much onion”.
I expressed surprise that he used the word “nice” and he said “maybe it would be better blended?”
At this point I opened the front door and booted him out. He’s now on his way to Southend with a couple of juicy burgers (or perhaps kebabs).
Lazarus
VIP Member
@That Forensic Man
Chopped up eggs:
First I started with the basic ingredients. I should say all of these were already in my possession, therefore the cost is free.
I then painstakingly popped the eggs into the pot, gently covered them in water and popped a lid on.
Yes it is a Smeg cooker, do you want me to STOP BREATHING?
eggs now hard boiled I pour the water away (this could also be saved. You could freeze it, defrost, reheat at a later date and use it for hot hot scrubby flannel face washes), before splashing a little cold water on them so that they’re easier to handle.
its at this point the meal starts to come together. I put the kettle on, get a teabag in my cup, and as the time comes to peel the eggs, I start to make my cuppa (Yorkshire Gold).
i pop a slice of toast into my Dualit toaster. As this appliance is now 7 years old I consider it to have paid for itself, therefore it is also free.
I gently, softly peel the first egg, and realise it’s too hot to handle. I move quickly, ensuring the egg is completely peeled before dropping it into the mug.
I then turn my attention to egg number two. On first picking this up, I realise it’s hotter than napalm and give it a quick blast under the tap as I’d like to go to work with my fingerprints intact.
toast has popped but I like my toast a little dry so I leave it in the toaster and go ahead and peel this egg.
ready to chop. You could do this in the blender if you were a psychopath but I prefer to chop by hand using a knife from my cutlery drawer. These are Dartington and are also free as I paid for them last year.
On achieving what I believe to be a good chopped egg consistency, I add salt and butter. I give it a good stir round, check if I need more salt (I did) and then proceed to butter the toast.
Now it comes to the tea. A sufficient time has passed and I’m able to remove the teabag, add the milk and assemble my dish.
you could eat this yourself, pass it to someone you love, as a silent acknowledgement of your adoration for them (which in my case doesn’t work as neither Mr Laz or Old Man Pupper Laz eat eggs).
There’s no leftovers to try and add to another dish, and life goes on as normal.
Chopped up eggs:
First I started with the basic ingredients. I should say all of these were already in my possession, therefore the cost is free.
I then painstakingly popped the eggs into the pot, gently covered them in water and popped a lid on.
Yes it is a Smeg cooker, do you want me to STOP BREATHING?
eggs now hard boiled I pour the water away (this could also be saved. You could freeze it, defrost, reheat at a later date and use it for hot hot scrubby flannel face washes), before splashing a little cold water on them so that they’re easier to handle.
its at this point the meal starts to come together. I put the kettle on, get a teabag in my cup, and as the time comes to peel the eggs, I start to make my cuppa (Yorkshire Gold).
i pop a slice of toast into my Dualit toaster. As this appliance is now 7 years old I consider it to have paid for itself, therefore it is also free.
I gently, softly peel the first egg, and realise it’s too hot to handle. I move quickly, ensuring the egg is completely peeled before dropping it into the mug.
I then turn my attention to egg number two. On first picking this up, I realise it’s hotter than napalm and give it a quick blast under the tap as I’d like to go to work with my fingerprints intact.
toast has popped but I like my toast a little dry so I leave it in the toaster and go ahead and peel this egg.
ready to chop. You could do this in the blender if you were a psychopath but I prefer to chop by hand using a knife from my cutlery drawer. These are Dartington and are also free as I paid for them last year.
On achieving what I believe to be a good chopped egg consistency, I add salt and butter. I give it a good stir round, check if I need more salt (I did) and then proceed to butter the toast.
Now it comes to the tea. A sufficient time has passed and I’m able to remove the teabag, add the milk and assemble my dish.
you could eat this yourself, pass it to someone you love, as a silent acknowledgement of your adoration for them (which in my case doesn’t work as neither Mr Laz or Old Man Pupper Laz eat eggs).
There’s no leftovers to try and add to another dish, and life goes on as normal.
LadyGarden
VIP Member
Creamy Crabby Pasta
Sadly neither Sainsburys nor Aldi had crab paste so I took Jack's advice of substituting "fish paste" and went for salmon and haddock instead. The packets of flat leaf parsley had all been squashed into mush so I ended up buying a plant, however, I have priced it up the same as the packet would have been. At the checkout I slipped the fish paste underneath my other shopping, furtively looking around in case someone I knew spotted me. Now I know what it must be like being a teenage boy buying condoms for the first time.
Ingredients
Pasta's boiling and onion, chilli, parsley, oil and lemon juice starting to warm up in a cold pan as per instructions
NOW THE MAGIC HAPPENS! Fish paste and yoghurt added to the mix. Parsley has turned into small black dots as expected.
Ta da! I haven't worked out how to photograph my own hands so stunt hands were employed. Thank you Marigold of the hands. Small bier stein spoon used as I suspect I will need a strong drink after tasting this despite me cooking it at 11am
Ingredients - crab paste not available in the 2 supermarkets close enough to walk to, other items easy to source 4/5
Recipe - straightforward and easy to follow but what's her obsession with cold pans and not using salt and pepper? 4/5
Visual appeal - not particularly enticing, looked like the neighbour's cat sneaked in and puked in the bowl 2/5
Texture - okay, main texture was the pasta and the texture of the sauce was inoffensive 3/5
Taste - overwhelming taste of lemon which is not what I expected, fish paste tang kicks in after a while which is not necessarily a good thing. Slightly better once I sprinkled salt over it but 3 mouthfuls was more than enough 2/5
Overall I'd give this a rating of 2.5 as it wasn't 'terrible' but definitely not middle class. I think I'll be able to rescue this with a garlicky tomato sauce and a tin of tuna.
My home now smells of onions and sadness.
Sadly neither Sainsburys nor Aldi had crab paste so I took Jack's advice of substituting "fish paste" and went for salmon and haddock instead. The packets of flat leaf parsley had all been squashed into mush so I ended up buying a plant, however, I have priced it up the same as the packet would have been. At the checkout I slipped the fish paste underneath my other shopping, furtively looking around in case someone I knew spotted me. Now I know what it must be like being a teenage boy buying condoms for the first time.
Fish paste (0.45p), red chilli (0.35p), half an onion (0.18p), flat leaf parsley (0.60p), 100g natural yoghurt (0.40p), 140g pasta (0.30p), tbsp oil (0.04p), tbsp lemon juice (0.04p) Total: £2.40 (£1.20 per portion) Pasta, oil and lemon juice were store-cupboard but I've costed them according to their original price. Most stuff is Sainsburys own or Aldi; I didn't go for the Basics range so obviously that would work out cheaper per portion.
Because I made this with Aldi Cucina egg pasta it came out to a respectable 425 cals per portion. If I had used the Aldi (non-egg) pasta it would be a less respectable 300 cals per portion.
Ingredients
Pasta's boiling and onion, chilli, parsley, oil and lemon juice starting to warm up in a cold pan as per instructions
NOW THE MAGIC HAPPENS! Fish paste and yoghurt added to the mix. Parsley has turned into small black dots as expected.
Ta da! I haven't worked out how to photograph my own hands so stunt hands were employed. Thank you Marigold of the hands. Small bier stein spoon used as I suspect I will need a strong drink after tasting this despite me cooking it at 11am
Ingredients - crab paste not available in the 2 supermarkets close enough to walk to, other items easy to source 4/5
Recipe - straightforward and easy to follow but what's her obsession with cold pans and not using salt and pepper? 4/5
Visual appeal - not particularly enticing, looked like the neighbour's cat sneaked in and puked in the bowl 2/5
Texture - okay, main texture was the pasta and the texture of the sauce was inoffensive 3/5
Taste - overwhelming taste of lemon which is not what I expected, fish paste tang kicks in after a while which is not necessarily a good thing. Slightly better once I sprinkled salt over it but 3 mouthfuls was more than enough 2/5
Overall I'd give this a rating of 2.5 as it wasn't 'terrible' but definitely not middle class. I think I'll be able to rescue this with a garlicky tomato sauce and a tin of tuna.
My home now smells of onions and sadness.
EllaEm87
VIP Member
Right so. Mince and onions with notions, eh?
I apologise in advance. This will nowhere near be as witty as some Frauens work. I’m on my phone and it’s complicated!
Off I went to Morrisons to collect the things I didn’t have.
So the slopping began. And Frauen, this really was slopping.
Then we had the slow simmer for 20 minutes. The only thing I can take from this is that something definitely reduced, but it wasn’t the amount of liquid. I could see very little in the way of solids in this pan.
So, it’s cooked! I’m ready to eat! Let me just prepare some bread… oh wait…
I power on and plate up. Here’s the finished product!
Shit sorry, that’s the dogs food. More visible texture though.
Whoops. HERE is the finished product:
It just resembles watery slop. Same consistency too.
So, taste? Overpoweringly of red wine, with a bitter after taste. I couldn’t manage more than a couple of teaspoonfuls. DIRE.
And it struck me as such a waste. Mince, onions and gravy granules comes to around £5, which is cheaper than this shite, and more substantial. What planet is this woman on? This is literal slop. And why add red wine? It totally drowns out any other potential flavour in the dish. Honestly, grim.
Charity payment incoming. Slop outgoing (to the bin)
I apologise in advance. This will nowhere near be as witty as some Frauens work. I’m on my phone and it’s complicated!
Off I went to Morrisons to collect the things I didn’t have.
There were no cheap mince and onions tins, and only one mid range. The recipe called for two so I had to go spenny.
Total cost to buy the ingredients I didn’t have was £5.48
Total cost to buy the ingredients I didn’t have was £5.48
So the slopping began. And Frauen, this really was slopping.
The recipe told me to fling everything in a pan. There was no mention of stirring but stir I did, because I am not a criminal. I did question the logic of adding more onions when onions are already present but who am I to judge?
Then we had the slow simmer for 20 minutes. The only thing I can take from this is that something definitely reduced, but it wasn’t the amount of liquid. I could see very little in the way of solids in this pan.
Just looked like gravy tbh. Smelt overpoweringly of red wine.
So, it’s cooked! I’m ready to eat! Let me just prepare some bread… oh wait…
It’s grown a skin. Nice.
I power on and plate up. Here’s the finished product!
Whoops. HERE is the finished product:
It just resembles watery slop. Same consistency too.
So, taste? Overpoweringly of red wine, with a bitter after taste. I couldn’t manage more than a couple of teaspoonfuls. DIRE.
And it struck me as such a waste. Mince, onions and gravy granules comes to around £5, which is cheaper than this shite, and more substantial. What planet is this woman on? This is literal slop. And why add red wine? It totally drowns out any other potential flavour in the dish. Honestly, grim.
Charity payment incoming. Slop outgoing (to the bin)
Attachments
Smol Pixel
Chatty Member
A little Friday night gift for all you lovely sloppers.
Plus I gave a contribution to my local food bank
Plus I gave a contribution to my local food bank
Valiofthedolls
VIP Member
PART 2 Marmite Mac and Cheese in a Mug: Work Version. Apologies for the delayed follow up.
@dickanddom did the non-work version, I prepped the refrigeration not needed work version and “commuted” with it. Now to cook my lunch.
Recipe at bottom.
cookingonabootstrap.com
Edit: here’s part 1
@dickanddom did the non-work version, I prepped the refrigeration not needed work version and “commuted” with it. Now to cook my lunch.
Recipe at bottom.
First, as she’s got SEVEN books and cooked for Mary PORTAS, I took a leaf out expert Jack’s book and made a line of tape on the floor that my child “work colleagues” must not cross when I am cooking my mug of yummy pasta. COLLEAGUES. YOU SHALL NOT CROSS!
Next, I recreated a workplace environment with some office-style accoutrements, and my own special private pot of pens. Note that while I couldn’t face filthying up the microwave inside for office authenticity, I did attempt to make a little bit of a smeary mess on the outside. (Please enjoy the picture of Sebastian Bach in golden hipster pants from the cover of his book that sits in my ‘workplace’ instead of the obligatory yet dull usual degree certificates and family photographs). Look at those lovely flowing locks everyone. Swoon!
Now to the prep. Jack tells me to cover my giant mug with cling film (which I do not have) or a saucer. Having been forewarned by the intrepid @dickanddom that all this is going to get hotter than the inside of a McDonald’s apple pie, I SHAN’T balance a saucer on it.
Hmmmm…. What can I use to cover my mug?! Oh, hello aluminum foil!
Thanks, Jack. Thanks for all that you do in the name of your embarrassingly betrousered Papa. To save us imbeciles from exploding our houses.
Hmmmm…. What can I use to cover my mug?! Oh, hello aluminum foil!
Thanks, Jack. Thanks for all that you do in the name of your embarrassingly betrousered Papa. To save us imbeciles from exploding our houses.
I didn’t have any beef stock so I decided to use 150ml of water and 100ml of low sodium veg stock. I was also scared to use a mug, so pulled out a Pyrex jug I knew could withstand the abuse. I then got my tasty looking room temperature oil/marmite/cheese mixture ready to go
I covered the jug with one of those microwave non splatter covers. I cooked for 2 mins at a time, stirring and putting back in for a total of 6 mins. After the second and third 2 mins all the liquid burst completely out of the jug like a fiancée/OH running for the door and had to be poured back in. The jug was SO FUCKING HOT this part was dangerous. (To clear up any confusion about the Vali office/household, that is not a rampant rabbit reflected in the oily liquid, for I do not have a kitchen drawer of cocks, i have a kitchen pot of cooking implements, so it is SPATULAE plural)
Then it was time to plop in the cheesy oily room temperature ooze from my morning commute that does not need refrigeration. Yum! One more minute!
Voila! Finished product. As you can see, the liquid did not all dissipate. Jack gives no instruction for this so I assume it’s part of the recipe and dish that up too.
Apretend colleague comes into the office kitchen so I decide to be collegial and share my luncheon. (Shout out to the Wales and Manchester Massives with the muggos).
What?! White trash shouldn’t eat from mugs? Those oven gloves are CATH KIDSTON, BITCH!
Close Up
I tuck into the Grand Slam mug. The pasta isn’t cooked all the way. It’s oily and salty. I press on. After eating it all, there is a lot of liquid left.
I decide this is pretty much the equivalent of fancy bone broth, which is apparently all kinds of healthy. I do not have a shot glass so I use an eggcup. Note the minging oily residue left in the mug.
Down the hatch with the healthful-properties-imparting shot of “Bone Broth” (Jack, you can have that ‘recipe’ on me)
Bllllllleeeeuuuuuurrrrrgh! I don’t know why I did that. The things I do in service of you ninnies.
Anyway, it was all pretty awful. It was just about edible, but two hours later, just like @dickanddom, despite drinking a shit ton of water, I had a raging thirst and my tongue felt like a desiccated slug that the salt pot had been chucked at it.
Verdict: 2 Terrible. It was edible, but salty as fuck, oily, kind of dangerous because everything got so hot with oily liquid slopping everywhere (and I’m not convinced that leaving an oil marmite cheese mix on your desk for 4 hours is wise either) and not worth it. Bonus, it was free food as it was all in my larder.
Note that my “colleague” couldn’t face their mug and I couldn’t face seeing it congealed in the fridge tomorrow so that second one went into the bin.
I covered the jug with one of those microwave non splatter covers. I cooked for 2 mins at a time, stirring and putting back in for a total of 6 mins. After the second and third 2 mins all the liquid burst completely out of the jug like a fiancée/OH running for the door and had to be poured back in. The jug was SO FUCKING HOT this part was dangerous. (To clear up any confusion about the Vali office/household, that is not a rampant rabbit reflected in the oily liquid, for I do not have a kitchen drawer of cocks, i have a kitchen pot of cooking implements, so it is SPATULAE plural)
Voila! Finished product. As you can see, the liquid did not all dissipate. Jack gives no instruction for this so I assume it’s part of the recipe and dish that up too.
A
What?! White trash shouldn’t eat from mugs? Those oven gloves are CATH KIDSTON, BITCH!
Close Up
I tuck into the Grand Slam mug. The pasta isn’t cooked all the way. It’s oily and salty. I press on. After eating it all, there is a lot of liquid left.
I decide this is pretty much the equivalent of fancy bone broth, which is apparently all kinds of healthy. I do not have a shot glass so I use an eggcup. Note the minging oily residue left in the mug.
Anyway, it was all pretty awful. It was just about edible, but two hours later, just like @dickanddom, despite drinking a shit ton of water, I had a raging thirst and my tongue felt like a desiccated slug that the salt pot had been chucked at it.
Verdict: 2 Terrible. It was edible, but salty as fuck, oily, kind of dangerous because everything got so hot with oily liquid slopping everywhere (and I’m not convinced that leaving an oil marmite cheese mix on your desk for 4 hours is wise either) and not worth it. Bonus, it was free food as it was all in my larder.
Note that my “colleague” couldn’t face their mug and I couldn’t face seeing it congealed in the fridge tomorrow so that second one went into the bin.
Marmite mac-n-cheese in a mug, 36p (MICROWAVE)
Friends will know that my Marmite obsession is almost as out of control as my peanut butter obsession. In leaner times, I would substitute Marmite, which was well out of my budget range, for a past…
cookingonabootstrap.com
Slopalong: Cooking with Jack Monroe
I'm on my phone and scrolling down to reveal @VeniVidiVicki 's lasagne was comedy gold.
tattle.life
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LadyGarden
VIP Member
Dal Makhani
I chose this in fairness to Jack as it looked like a decent recipe and I love dal. I knew I'd be able to rescue this if necessary at a relatively low cost, unlike the Creamy Crabby Pasta. It's hard to go wrong with a basic dal, even for Jack.
I used the BBC Food recipe/method which I'm assuming is the same as the Cooking on a Bootstrap one.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/dal_makhani_30779
Prep time: Mysteriously it says that prep time is 30 mins to 1 hour. Seems excessive for rinsing beans/lentils and chopping an onion but who am I to argue with someone who's written 7 books. It took me around 15 minutes including opening the cans. Yay me. The prep time stated on the BBC website might put someone off this recipe but be reassured the prep time is wrong..
Cooking time: Stated as 10-30 minutes despite the final part of the cooking needing to be a 30 minute simmer. I now suspect the BBC (and/or Jack) got the prep and cooking times arse backwards.
Ingredients
Nothing was from a basic range. The lentils were a bit spenny at £1.05 for the tin but they were the only tinned lentils in Sainsbury's. Costings were based on this but obviously the dish could be made cheaper. No coriander because it's the herb of the Devil imo.
Step 1
Ceremonial rinsing of the beans and lentils. No tomato sauce was harmed in the preparation of these ingredients.
Onions, garlic paste, ginger paste, curry powder, half the butter and a pinch of cayenne added to the pan. As before I followed the recipe to the letter - everything chucked into a cold pan.
Step 2
It formed a thick paste that needed regular stirring to cook through. Despite this the onions took forever to get vaguely soft. My tweak would have been to warm the pan, melt the butter and cook the onions for 5 mins before adding the other ingredients.
Tinned tomatoes, coconut milk, pinch of salt and around a teaspoon of black pepper added. Brought to the boil then reduced to a simmer.
Step 3
Kidney beans, lentils and the remainder of the butter added. Simmered for 30 minutes. The method does not mention stirring at any point but because I'm a mitherer I went to stir it after 10 minutes. An unpleasant skin had developed over the top so I stirred it every 5 minutes after that. Had I just left it to simmer for 30 minutes it would have developed a skin thicker than a rhino. No time for this scumbag Frau to sit on her arse and watch Jeremey Kyle, meh
Covered with foil and left to cool as per instructions, to be reheated later. This is not a 'cook and serve' recipe so probably best prepared the day before you want to eat it. This gave me plenty of time to watch Episode 9 of DKL where Jack honked her way through this recipe.
The Moment of Truth
As mentioned earlier, I hate coriander almost as much as I hate Jack's grifting. I bunged a bit of parsley on for presentation purposes only. No stunt hands available (Marigold of the hands had deflated and I couldn't be arsed to blow them up again).
The Verdict
Ingredients - easy to source, brown lentils were a bit spenny 4/5
Recipe - straightforward and easy to follow, for once the ingredients included salt albeit only a "pinch" 4/5
Visual appeal - looks fine - just like any other daal 4/5
Texture - again, absolutely fine apartfrom the undercooked onions 4/5
Taste - Onions a bit undercooked but decent spicy kick 4/5
Overall - well done, Jack a decent recipe with a decent result. Nice level of spice, The lentil to kidney bean ratio was not what I would expect from a dal makhani and it wasn't as creamy or buttery as it should be but this is a budget recipe and presumably not claiming to be authentic. Added some salt when eating it but I'm a smoker so not a major criticism. Onions were still slightly undercooked so if I made this again (probably won't, there's better, more authentic recipes out there) I'd cook them for a bit before adding the other ingredients.
Hold onto your chapeaus, Fraus - this gets a 4 from me.
I chose this in fairness to Jack as it looked like a decent recipe and I love dal. I knew I'd be able to rescue this if necessary at a relatively low cost, unlike the Creamy Crabby Pasta. It's hard to go wrong with a basic dal, even for Jack.
I used the BBC Food recipe/method which I'm assuming is the same as the Cooking on a Bootstrap one.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/dal_makhani_30779
Prep time: Mysteriously it says that prep time is 30 mins to 1 hour. Seems excessive for rinsing beans/lentils and chopping an onion but who am I to argue with someone who's written 7 books. It took me around 15 minutes including opening the cans. Yay me. The prep time stated on the BBC website might put someone off this recipe but be reassured the prep time is wrong..
Cooking time: Stated as 10-30 minutes despite the final part of the cooking needing to be a 30 minute simmer. I now suspect the BBC (and/or Jack) got the prep and cooking times arse backwards.
£6.06 total vs the BBC total of £4.44, however, allowing for inflation and the fact I didn't use basic ingredients this seems fair. It did provide 4 servings which with rice or a naan would be quite filling.
Couldn't be arsed to work them out but BBC website says 555 cals per serving which I think is probably accurate. I'm not sure if that includes rice. Either way it's not a bad meal calorifically.
Ingredients
Nothing was from a basic range. The lentils were a bit spenny at £1.05 for the tin but they were the only tinned lentils in Sainsbury's. Costings were based on this but obviously the dish could be made cheaper. No coriander because it's the herb of the Devil imo.
Step 1
Ceremonial rinsing of the beans and lentils. No tomato sauce was harmed in the preparation of these ingredients.
Onions, garlic paste, ginger paste, curry powder, half the butter and a pinch of cayenne added to the pan. As before I followed the recipe to the letter - everything chucked into a cold pan.
Step 2
It formed a thick paste that needed regular stirring to cook through. Despite this the onions took forever to get vaguely soft. My tweak would have been to warm the pan, melt the butter and cook the onions for 5 mins before adding the other ingredients.
Tinned tomatoes, coconut milk, pinch of salt and around a teaspoon of black pepper added. Brought to the boil then reduced to a simmer.
Step 3
Kidney beans, lentils and the remainder of the butter added. Simmered for 30 minutes. The method does not mention stirring at any point but because I'm a mitherer I went to stir it after 10 minutes. An unpleasant skin had developed over the top so I stirred it every 5 minutes after that. Had I just left it to simmer for 30 minutes it would have developed a skin thicker than a rhino. No time for this scumbag Frau to sit on her arse and watch Jeremey Kyle, meh
Covered with foil and left to cool as per instructions, to be reheated later. This is not a 'cook and serve' recipe so probably best prepared the day before you want to eat it. This gave me plenty of time to watch Episode 9 of DKL where Jack honked her way through this recipe.
The Moment of Truth
As mentioned earlier, I hate coriander almost as much as I hate Jack's grifting. I bunged a bit of parsley on for presentation purposes only. No stunt hands available (Marigold of the hands had deflated and I couldn't be arsed to blow them up again).
The Verdict
Ingredients - easy to source, brown lentils were a bit spenny 4/5
Recipe - straightforward and easy to follow, for once the ingredients included salt albeit only a "pinch" 4/5
Visual appeal - looks fine - just like any other daal 4/5
Texture - again, absolutely fine apartfrom the undercooked onions 4/5
Taste - Onions a bit undercooked but decent spicy kick 4/5
Overall - well done, Jack a decent recipe with a decent result. Nice level of spice, The lentil to kidney bean ratio was not what I would expect from a dal makhani and it wasn't as creamy or buttery as it should be but this is a budget recipe and presumably not claiming to be authentic. Added some salt when eating it but I'm a smoker so not a major criticism. Onions were still slightly undercooked so if I made this again (probably won't, there's better, more authentic recipes out there) I'd cook them for a bit before adding the other ingredients.
Hold onto your chapeaus, Fraus - this gets a 4 from me.
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heastlanda
New member
Right people. Here are the results of Jack's Red lentils and mandarin curry. Hopefully I haven't managed to screw up the formatting.
So I went to Tesco this morning for the ingredients. The spices I already have and the marmite and vitalite are for something different. Total cost= £4.02 or £1 a portion. 26p a portion my arse.
The recipe said to weigh out 150g lentils, so I did. Doesn't seem like much but I haven't published 7 cookbooks so what would I know? They were then simmered vigorously for 10 mins and rinsed. Upon rinsing, the lentils that had already turned to mush ended up going down the plughole.
Then I was supposed to put the lentils back in the pan, heat them up again and add the rest of the ingredients. So I did. At this point in time, it really isn't smelling that great and the dog has already disappeared from the kitchen. Usually she hangs around incase there's something for her.
The whole concoction is then supposed to be cranked up on high and boiled for another 20 mins. Leaving aside how much gas it would cost for 30 mins, the lentils are about to get boiled into oblivion. Still, I am sticking to the recipe faithfully so.....
Top screenshot is Jack's version, bottom photo is mine. At this point it has a smell vaguely reminiscent of my circus toilet cleaner. Interesting as that wasn't the effect I was going for but as I've had to wait half an hour for my lunch to cook, I'm getting beyond hungry. Dog still nowhere to be seen
Time for a taste. Please excuse the black chunky handled spoon. Unlike JM I genuinely have RA. It's a choice between a fat hands spoon (as my kids call it) or a thin handled spoon and not being able to pick the spoon up in the first place. I didn't have any fancy backing paper but seeing as it's nearly Christmas I thought an Asda bag for life would add a festive twist. Although it looks like quite a lot, there is only 1 ladle full of curry in the bowl. The only person this is going to be a generous serving for is one of my son's lego people. Dog still nowhere to be seen. So I take a generous spoonful because I'm beyond hungry. Well fuck me this is quite possibly the most disgusting thing I have ever eaten. Somehow it has a really nasty metallic taste. I can't taste any of the chilli, turmeric, cumin or anything else. If anyone wants to know what sadness and misery tastes like it's this. Jack must really hate food or be a really crap cook. No-one in their right mind would ever think that mandarins, lentils and tomatoes would be anything other than disgusting. The only thing I can think this would be useful for would be as some of that fake vomit you used to be able to buy in joke shops.
Ratings to follow.
Part 1. The ingredients
So I went to Tesco this morning for the ingredients. The spices I already have and the marmite and vitalite are for something different. Total cost= £4.02 or £1 a portion. 26p a portion my arse.
Part 2. The lentils
The recipe said to weigh out 150g lentils, so I did. Doesn't seem like much but I haven't published 7 cookbooks so what would I know? They were then simmered vigorously for 10 mins and rinsed. Upon rinsing, the lentils that had already turned to mush ended up going down the plughole.
Part 3. In the pan.
Then I was supposed to put the lentils back in the pan, heat them up again and add the rest of the ingredients. So I did. At this point in time, it really isn't smelling that great and the dog has already disappeared from the kitchen. Usually she hangs around incase there's something for her.
Part 4. Won't somebody think of the lentils??
The whole concoction is then supposed to be cranked up on high and boiled for another 20 mins. Leaving aside how much gas it would cost for 30 mins, the lentils are about to get boiled into oblivion. Still, I am sticking to the recipe faithfully so.....
Part 5. Ding ding, time's up
Top screenshot is Jack's version, bottom photo is mine. At this point it has a smell vaguely reminiscent of my circus toilet cleaner. Interesting as that wasn't the effect I was going for but as I've had to wait half an hour for my lunch to cook, I'm getting beyond hungry. Dog still nowhere to be seen
Part 6. The proof is in the tasting
Time for a taste. Please excuse the black chunky handled spoon. Unlike JM I genuinely have RA. It's a choice between a fat hands spoon (as my kids call it) or a thin handled spoon and not being able to pick the spoon up in the first place. I didn't have any fancy backing paper but seeing as it's nearly Christmas I thought an Asda bag for life would add a festive twist. Although it looks like quite a lot, there is only 1 ladle full of curry in the bowl. The only person this is going to be a generous serving for is one of my son's lego people. Dog still nowhere to be seen. So I take a generous spoonful because I'm beyond hungry. Well fuck me this is quite possibly the most disgusting thing I have ever eaten. Somehow it has a really nasty metallic taste. I can't taste any of the chilli, turmeric, cumin or anything else. If anyone wants to know what sadness and misery tastes like it's this. Jack must really hate food or be a really crap cook. No-one in their right mind would ever think that mandarins, lentils and tomatoes would be anything other than disgusting. The only thing I can think this would be useful for would be as some of that fake vomit you used to be able to buy in joke shops.
Ratings to follow.
Falkor
VIP Member
Okay, here we go.
Can't find a way to donate cash to our local foodbank, but they have a list of things they're short of on their website, so I will make a suitable donation via their supermarket collection point when I'm in on Saturday.
I had everything in the cupboard apart from sprouts 95p and brie £1.90 - unusually, the website and book versions of the recipe are identical apart from one of them specifying brie rather than any leftover cheese, so that's what I went for.
First step, finely slice 80g of sprouts. This was 5 sprouts.
Put flour, bicarb, salt and sprouts into a mixing bowl and make a well (yes this is one of the 'a kind of hole' recipes).
Eggs and milk into the well.
The next instruction is to crumble your cheese in. Well, I don't think this is going to crumble...
I settled for tearing it into small chunks.
Mix well with a wooden spoon, adding extra flour or water if necessary. Mine went like thick wallpaper paste.
I added a spoonful of flour and flattened it out to the prescribed 'around 2cm thick'.
This is one of those rare occasions when Jack does tell you to preheat the oil in the frying pan. She suggests a medium heat for a few minutes each side or until risen and golden. I put it on 5 out of 9 and dropped the first three in for three minutes. Please excuse the straggly bits, it's not easy to cut out scones neatly when there are bits of shredded sprout in the way.
At three minutes I flipped them and things were looking quite promising.
The recipe costs the oil at 3p from a £3 per litre bottle, so 10ml if my maths is right. These things drink oil like crazy, I had to put another glug in when I flipped and for the second batch.
The finished product.
Just one problem - as you may have guessed, they're still raw in the middle.
In the interests of science, I sliced the top off one and ate it. It tasted of flour and salt. No cheese, no sprouts. Spreading butter on it might have improved it, but only because it would have tasted of butter.
I think if she'd baked these in the oven the traditional way they'd have been been absolutely fine and a solid 3 or even perhaps a 4, but made with the frying pan method they're a definite 1!
First step, finely slice 80g of sprouts. This was 5 sprouts.
Put flour, bicarb, salt and sprouts into a mixing bowl and make a well (yes this is one of the 'a kind of hole' recipes).
Eggs and milk into the well.
The next instruction is to crumble your cheese in. Well, I don't think this is going to crumble...
I settled for tearing it into small chunks.
Mix well with a wooden spoon, adding extra flour or water if necessary. Mine went like thick wallpaper paste.
I added a spoonful of flour and flattened it out to the prescribed 'around 2cm thick'.
This is one of those rare occasions when Jack does tell you to preheat the oil in the frying pan. She suggests a medium heat for a few minutes each side or until risen and golden. I put it on 5 out of 9 and dropped the first three in for three minutes. Please excuse the straggly bits, it's not easy to cut out scones neatly when there are bits of shredded sprout in the way.
At three minutes I flipped them and things were looking quite promising.
The recipe costs the oil at 3p from a £3 per litre bottle, so 10ml if my maths is right. These things drink oil like crazy, I had to put another glug in when I flipped and for the second batch.
The finished product.
Just one problem - as you may have guessed, they're still raw in the middle.
In the interests of science, I sliced the top off one and ate it. It tasted of flour and salt. No cheese, no sprouts. Spreading butter on it might have improved it, but only because it would have tasted of butter.
I think if she'd baked these in the oven the traditional way they'd have been been absolutely fine and a solid 3 or even perhaps a 4, but made with the frying pan method they're a definite 1!
Can't find a way to donate cash to our local foodbank, but they have a list of things they're short of on their website, so I will make a suitable donation via their supermarket collection point when I'm in on Saturday.