Like a child making mud pies and insisting you eat them.
Slopalong #2 You can’t polish a turd, but you can cover it in parsley
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50g of butter
As you can see I had to take 5 slices to get there as it was a lot more than I expected. I chose to use butter because it was listed as "butter or oil" so I thought it was preferential.
Also it didn't make a 'very large jar' because it was simmering down for 30 minutes (on the lowest heat possible), I'll make an estimate based on how much I have left but it started out as less than 1 litre passata so
Lads, it’s time.
Hold on to your bootstraps ninnies!
Omg, is that what happened to Terry?When I was at universitythere was a man who used to stand by the local bus stop all day every day, carrying a bag full of cans of kidney beans, eating them directly from the cans. We used to call him KBM: Kidney bean man. I looked it up, and apparently if you eat enough kidney beans, they can mummify you. (I might be misremembering this, it was quite a long time ago)
I forgot to do it at the time but here is my sloppy donation to my favourite rabbit rescue. I've also handed in a bag of groceries (about £8) to our local pantry as they don't take online donations.
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You brave, brave man...
I would:
Lose the butter, use oil instead
Lose the onions (because I am not a heathen), use garlic
Lose 99% of the FENNEL SEEDS (I love fennel, but it's a spice/herb that takes no prisoners)
Add a pinch of origano if you are going for trad pizza sauce, basil at the end if you are going for double duty.
Basically, use a different recipe...
Good luck with part #2!
@Nurseali recipe for lemon roasted sardines from TCC in case you need it
Get up and go smoothie (aka tit yourself smoothie) as requested by @That Forensic Man
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Well, at least she preheated the oven for the sardines. After all the cold oil in the cold pan business we've been subjected to, I was half expecting her not to.
Kitchen has been deep cleaned 12 times as per the Smol One’s assertion that this is what she does every day. I think the at means I’m ready to slop.
Happy slop day everyone!
I’m going in!
Happy slop day everyone!
I’m going in!
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I'm so glad you posted this. I have covid brain fog and was actually starting to question whether she'd genuinely called it tit Yourself Smoothie. I mean she did call a recipe Crapuccino so you can understand my confusion.
Strap in slop fans, for this afternoon’s double billing.
First up is our Courgette, Sultana and Lemon Bread. Ingredients below.
Now I’m a very keen baker - I make some kind of bread or focaccia around once a week but I’m going to follow the recipe in the spirit it was written. So no food processor or dough hooks in sight. Back to basic. Here we go.
There’s my grated courgette. So far, so slop
Adding in the rest of the ingredients creates a very sticky dough. Here it is after 10 minutes of kneading. She says to cover it and leave it for half an hour, but I gave it a little longer as it didn’t seem to be doing much rising.
While that was rising (or not) I started my Fruit Cocktail Cake! Ingredients below. My tin was bigger than recommended in the ingredients so I softly, gently, measured out the correct amount making sure not to lose the single cherry from the tin.
This recipe is pretty straightforward. Nothing bonkers. Just sling it all together and mix it up with a fork and ta da, ready for the oven. In it goes
Meanwhile, it’s back to check on the slop which hasn’t risen exactly, but it has spread a bit. I try to punch the air out as requested but there’s not much going on
I think the trouble is that Jack doesn’t explain what you should be looking for - anyone who hasn’t baked bread before, won’t know whether this is any good or not. (Clue, it’s not). Better would be to advise you to wait until it’s double in size AND to put it somewhere warm. I transfer it into the tin, cover over and leave it to prove again. This time she gives the inexplicable instruction - leave it for half an hour, or overnight. That’s two quite distinct instructions are they not? Nothing in between? I’m not sure leaving it overnight will do anything other than destroy the bread.
I decide to leave it for an hour somewhere warm and hope for the best.
Now the cake is ready! How exciting! Out it comes
oops, it started falling apart on removal from the ti
It gets worse but hey! I found the scant cherry!
It’s just all falling apart, like it’s overly moist. I checked with a skewer to make sure it was cooked before I took it out .. it has no integrity. Makes you think.
It also just tastes of .. nothing? It’s so bland. But maybe that’s because I have Covid.
still! At least I have my bread to look forward to! That’s due out the oven shortly…
First up is our Courgette, Sultana and Lemon Bread. Ingredients below.
Now I’m a very keen baker - I make some kind of bread or focaccia around once a week but I’m going to follow the recipe in the spirit it was written. So no food processor or dough hooks in sight. Back to basic. Here we go.
Adding in the rest of the ingredients creates a very sticky dough. Here it is after 10 minutes of kneading. She says to cover it and leave it for half an hour, but I gave it a little longer as it didn’t seem to be doing much rising.
While that was rising (or not) I started my Fruit Cocktail Cake! Ingredients below. My tin was bigger than recommended in the ingredients so I softly, gently, measured out the correct amount making sure not to lose the single cherry from the tin.
This recipe is pretty straightforward. Nothing bonkers. Just sling it all together and mix it up with a fork and ta da, ready for the oven. In it goes
I think the trouble is that Jack doesn’t explain what you should be looking for - anyone who hasn’t baked bread before, won’t know whether this is any good or not. (Clue, it’s not). Better would be to advise you to wait until it’s double in size AND to put it somewhere warm. I transfer it into the tin, cover over and leave it to prove again. This time she gives the inexplicable instruction - leave it for half an hour, or overnight. That’s two quite distinct instructions are they not? Nothing in between? I’m not sure leaving it overnight will do anything other than destroy the bread.
I decide to leave it for an hour somewhere warm and hope for the best.
Now the cake is ready! How exciting! Out it comes
It gets worse but hey! I found the scant cherry!
It’s just all falling apart, like it’s overly moist. I checked with a skewer to make sure it was cooked before I took it out .. it has no integrity. Makes you think.
It also just tastes of .. nothing? It’s so bland. But maybe that’s because I have Covid.
still! At least I have my bread to look forward to! That’s due out the oven shortly…
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Well, that was an hour of my life I'll never get back.
Firstly I gathered up my ingredients. I had most things, and as I decided to cook the slop at my sisters, I borrowed some bits off her. Namely the cinnamon and two different types of vinegar - the recipe calls for 'oil' and 'vinegar' without specifying type. She only had a little bit of malt and a little apple cider, so those it was. All vinegars are interchangeable, right?
Started off by peeling the garlic and slicing the onion. Into the cold 'oil' they went - the specification was 'a little' oil, but I put in enough to actually do the job of starting to soften the onions because I KNOW HOW TO COOK.
This seemed like a lot of onion.
I cooked it til it was softening, then added SIX FAT CLOVES of garlic, unadorned. Then chucked in the elusive and wily aubergine (they must have been forewarned of their fate, RIP aubergine, go well lad) Then I added half a tsp of cinnamon, chilli flakes, cumin seeds and ONE EIGHTH of a teaspoon of fennel seeds wtf. Stirred.
At this point I was instructed to add half a cup of water 'about 125ml' and 'crank up the heat' while I put the lentils on. There were no further instructions as to what to do with the mix while the lentils were cooking for 12 minutes. Lads, the water was immediately slurped up by the poor aubergine so I stirred like duck to stop it burning and wrecking my sisters pan. There was a pervasive smell of cinnamon in the air.
The lentils were also playing silly buggers - having been instructed to 'cover with water' which I did, no depth specified, they immediately absorbed it all in their efforts to produce their 'scum' (her words not mine) I had to add a lot more water 'covering' them was not enough.
Lentils: scummy, but not as scummy as Jack.
Cooked lentils were rinsed like beans and then plopped in to the onion concoction which had been stirred to death.
Stirred it all up like a pro and added the two tbsp of tomato puree, and the one of each vinegar. Cinnamon smell briefly replaced by chip shop smell.
At this point the recipe says 'bring to the boil'. Bring what to the boil? This is not slop by any means. There's no liquid left, this is dryer than a Saharan Nun's hooha. I quote 'It should take 10 more minutes to meld into this glossy, orange, spicy goodness, and the liquid should thicken to an unctuous sauce.' WHAT LIQUID, JACK?! THERE IS NO bleeping LIQUID.
So I was forced to deviate from the recipe and I added half a pint of water.
At least it looked a bit curry-ish at this point, though those garlic cloves were concerning me. Are we supposed to eat them like that? Hmm.
So I cooked it for another ten minutes, and this was the end result. Are you ready for your close up?
Jack adds this stupid instruction at this point, and again I howl WHAT. LIQUID. HOW CAN IT BE TOO WATERY?!?!?!?!
I portioned out half (though apparently this can serve four)
My sister shrieked at the state of my nail in this pic, fraus how I laughed. It's pen. Authentic though right?
So then I had to try it. The first forkful was all onion. Crunchy onion. I could actually taste the chilli, so there's some warmth. That was about it though. I tried a bit of aubergine, it just mooshed in my mouth with a sad tasteless splat. All I was getting was chilli. Absolutely no flavour of curry. I managed another bit of onion, but wasn't even getting any of the cinnamon. My stomach started to hurt a bit at this point because of the amount of pretty much still raw onion.
Sister observed taste test and said 'I'm not eating that tit' and stormed out the house, returning with this!!!
Modelled by well kempt doggo Jasper. Jasper is salty as he is not allowed this delight and also he hasn't been near the kitchen to beg since I put the slop on (telling in itself!)
Well. I used an online calculator to analyze this 'recipe'...
It's not good, is it? 185 calories. duck you Jack, you'd need to eat TWO packets of microwave rice with this to make it up to say 650 calories. Even with the 'greedy' eating of half that's only 370 calories and it's ALL bleeping ONION.
My stomach is growling unhappily and I only had a few mouthfuls. The rest will be going in the bin. What a colossal waste of food and time and energy. I'm bleeping furious she's getting away with this. I can afford to now have another meal (thanks sis and Charlie B) but what if this was your only dinner option? Raging.
Score: 1 - dire.
I'd like to introduce 0 - dogshit, but if I was in dire straits, I could force myself to eat this, but I think it would make me ill. Also dogshit probably actually tastes like *something*.
Started off by peeling the garlic and slicing the onion. Into the cold 'oil' they went - the specification was 'a little' oil, but I put in enough to actually do the job of starting to soften the onions because I KNOW HOW TO COOK.
This seemed like a lot of onion.
I cooked it til it was softening, then added SIX FAT CLOVES of garlic, unadorned. Then chucked in the elusive and wily aubergine (they must have been forewarned of their fate, RIP aubergine, go well lad) Then I added half a tsp of cinnamon, chilli flakes, cumin seeds and ONE EIGHTH of a teaspoon of fennel seeds wtf. Stirred.
At this point I was instructed to add half a cup of water 'about 125ml' and 'crank up the heat' while I put the lentils on. There were no further instructions as to what to do with the mix while the lentils were cooking for 12 minutes. Lads, the water was immediately slurped up by the poor aubergine so I stirred like duck to stop it burning and wrecking my sisters pan. There was a pervasive smell of cinnamon in the air.
The lentils were also playing silly buggers - having been instructed to 'cover with water' which I did, no depth specified, they immediately absorbed it all in their efforts to produce their 'scum' (her words not mine) I had to add a lot more water 'covering' them was not enough.
Lentils: scummy, but not as scummy as Jack.
Cooked lentils were rinsed like beans and then plopped in to the onion concoction which had been stirred to death.
Stirred it all up like a pro and added the two tbsp of tomato puree, and the one of each vinegar. Cinnamon smell briefly replaced by chip shop smell.
At this point the recipe says 'bring to the boil'. Bring what to the boil? This is not slop by any means. There's no liquid left, this is dryer than a Saharan Nun's hooha. I quote 'It should take 10 more minutes to meld into this glossy, orange, spicy goodness, and the liquid should thicken to an unctuous sauce.' WHAT LIQUID, JACK?! THERE IS NO bleeping LIQUID.
So I was forced to deviate from the recipe and I added half a pint of water.
At least it looked a bit curry-ish at this point, though those garlic cloves were concerning me. Are we supposed to eat them like that? Hmm.
So I cooked it for another ten minutes, and this was the end result. Are you ready for your close up?
Jack adds this stupid instruction at this point, and again I howl WHAT. LIQUID. HOW CAN IT BE TOO WATERY?!?!?!?!
I portioned out half (though apparently this can serve four)
My sister shrieked at the state of my nail in this pic, fraus how I laughed. It's pen. Authentic though right?
So then I had to try it. The first forkful was all onion. Crunchy onion. I could actually taste the chilli, so there's some warmth. That was about it though. I tried a bit of aubergine, it just mooshed in my mouth with a sad tasteless splat. All I was getting was chilli. Absolutely no flavour of curry. I managed another bit of onion, but wasn't even getting any of the cinnamon. My stomach started to hurt a bit at this point because of the amount of pretty much still raw onion.
Sister observed taste test and said 'I'm not eating that tit' and stormed out the house, returning with this!!!
Modelled by well kempt doggo Jasper. Jasper is salty as he is not allowed this delight and also he hasn't been near the kitchen to beg since I put the slop on (telling in itself!)
Well. I used an online calculator to analyze this 'recipe'...
It's not good, is it? 185 calories. duck you Jack, you'd need to eat TWO packets of microwave rice with this to make it up to say 650 calories. Even with the 'greedy' eating of half that's only 370 calories and it's ALL bleeping ONION.
My stomach is growling unhappily and I only had a few mouthfuls. The rest will be going in the bin. What a colossal waste of food and time and energy. I'm bleeping furious she's getting away with this. I can afford to now have another meal (thanks sis and Charlie B) but what if this was your only dinner option? Raging.
Score: 1 - dire.
I'd like to introduce 0 - dogshit, but if I was in dire straits, I could force myself to eat this, but I think it would make me ill. Also dogshit probably actually tastes like *something*.
Probably tastes nicer...PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
Turns out that the good ol US of Adoes not do double cream. I’m doing my slop shop and this was the search result.
View attachment 1722189
I don't understand US dairy - is double cream here the same as heavy cream?
When I was a kid, we called mud pies SLOPDOSH. An apt term for Jack's recipes, as it's slop & bring in dosh.
Really makes you think
There's a thread on the 'Cost of living' board called 'to as for serious cheap meals'.
I read it the other night and noticed people were recommending Jack Monroe.
I'm banned from mumsnet, if I wasn't I would have posted advising against.
On the plus side, there are some great recipes and suggestions on the same thread.
Oh my god, the bread
duck me up the bum, that bread may be the new leader for most awful looking recipe.
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