Slopalong: Cooking with Jack Monroe

[binkbonk]

Lovely man (are you a man?) I have those thank[space]you. In my determination to be fair, I thought I should try and see if the recipe appeared in a book especially as 1) the blog recipe does not list oil in the list of ingredients for the ragu and I was (probably naively) hopeful this obvious error would have been corrected in the print version; and 2) this recipe elicited some very angry responses from the squigs which I assumed were book related.

But I guess the squigs were just angry about the whole kickstarter debacle.

So I shall press on, using the ingredients in the recipe and the method from DKL.

I particularly love the bit in this ep of DKL when she implies Matt would be a bit handsy if it weren’t for social distancing and he is all WHAT THE duck??!!

here are the angry squigs (there are several posts from angry ‘this looks dire’ squig)

View attachment 1704425View attachment 1704426

"If there was something nice to say, I would have said it" do we get thread titles on this thread?

 

[Notmycat]

@That Forensic Man unfuckupable wholemeal pizza dough

So you can compare with the website recipe

 

[Naboo The Enigma]

Oh LJC. My bum hole started to clench as soon as she mentioned the words ‘white sauce’ and I’m not sure when it will recover.
Also, Matt is far too nice to her.
Also also… all ingredients appear to be interchangeable.

Also my first time. Can't believe I missed out on this! Matt was so professional, but subtly giving shade, I can now understand the canal love for him.

All flour is interchangeable - self-raising flour in white sauce is going to leave a taste of bicarb. And again as has been pointed out many times by our clever fraus who understand cooking, there is a good reason why you make a roux, the flour needs to be cooked before adding the liquid or you end up with flour paste (70s and 80s kids may remember using it as glue for paper crafts. I thought it was quite tasty when I was 3). "Unorthodox" my arse.

All I could think of while watching it was the Generation Game when contestants would be given a task that they didn't have a clue about and manically ran around, throwing items randomly and ending up with a hilariously tit finished product.

 

[Helena Handbasket]

I’m no further forward with making the Lazarus pesto, but what I will say, and I have to get this off my chest:
She suggests as an alternative to basil, mint and parsley pesto that you could try rosemary, thyme and parsley pesto. Her recipe calls for 50g of each.
a standard supermarket pack of fresh herbs is 30g. Can you imagine how woody 50g of rosemary and thyme would be? What the duck would you do with it? It would need to be about 3 packs of each once you stripped the stocks off. She literally has no idea.
I’d have made this tonight but instead I’ve been watching paint dry watching Trump v Selby in the snooker because the supermarket didn’t have much in the way of fresh herbs left.

Rosemary, thyme and parsley pesto?! Oh she should’ve been a comedy cook. So a few things-don’t forget to allow all the herbs to go over even if they’re fresh when you get them - for authentic Jack ensure they are fading away in the back of the fridge before you finally rescue them. The woodiness of it also occurred to me-absolute ballache stripping both rosemary and thyme then trying to wrangle them into a pesto texture. Never gonna happen.
I’m just not sure why you’d make pesto if you had no basil.

Chef John's mountain bread (fiddly), Delia's pitta bread (works every time), Mrs. Beeton's naan. Want to try Jaime Oliver's flatbread, haven't yet. Don't bother with JM's 5 minute bread, it's disappointing.

Jamie’s flatbread is excellent (completed it mate) and I second Delia’s also very good. I love how tried and tested her recipes are-everything works and she’s so unpretentious-you want to spend a day making flaky pastry - go for it - here’s a recipe- otherwise use ready rolled babes it’s all good.

 

[That Forensic Man]

@That Forensic Man unfuckupable wholemeal pizza dough

So you can compare with the website recipe

Thankyou tender one, could I also ask for Use-Me-For-Anything Tomato Sauce from A Girl Called Jack? The website version is 'updated' and replaces red wine vinegar and tomate puree with ketchup, so it feels like I should definitely use that one but again good to compare.

The dough ingredients are identical to the book version so that's a first, but again it's always completely bleeping bizarre in that on the website (Feb 2016) she says:

It was going to go in Cooking On A Bootstrap but I’m not precious, and I like to make people happy, and besides, I doubt anyone will cancel their orders because I’ve snuck a couple of recipes on my blog.

But then it DID go in CoaBS in 2018 and the recipe is WORD FOR WORD IDENTICAL
So does she mean kickstarter CoaBS or something? Or just duck the book purchasers? Who knows.

ETA they actually corrected in the book version you have to pre-heat the oven and also removed the fuckup "come back to it 90 minutes to an hour later"

 

[Notmycat]

@That Forensic Man - some options for the pizza base and sauce

Birthday pizza dough
Unfuckupable wholemeal pizza dough

Birthday pizza sauce
Use me for anything tomato sauce
3 ingredient pasta sauce

If anyone needs any recipes, tag me and Ill reply in the morning by tagging you. Sleep well ninnies.

 

[YenE]

If you say you're veggie/vegan you can have sprout scones, no questions asked

Private Site

What the ever loving duck…. sprout scones. I am done. I thought liver bolognaise was bad but this.

 

[Naboo The Enigma]

Also my first time. Can't believe I missed out on this! Matt was so professional, but subtly giving shade, I can now understand the canal love for him.

All flour is interchangeable - self-raising flour in white sauce is going to leave a taste of bicarb. And again as has been pointed out many times by our clever fraus who understand cooking, there is a good reason why you make a roux, the flour needs to be cooked before adding the liquid or you end up with flour paste (70s and 80s kids may remember using it as glue for paper crafts. I thought it was quite tasty when I was 3). "Unorthodox" my arse.

All I could think of while watching it was the Generation Game when contestants would be given a task that they didn't have a clue about and manically ran around, throwing items randomly and ending up with a hilariously tit finished product.

Quoting myself like a you-know-what, but I had to google roux to see when it was invented, because the smol pixie often makes me doubt myself, like the narc she is, and it has been an established thing since the 17th century.

The equivalent in the art world, for example, would be a well known artist refusing to believe in perspective and drawing lions with human faces like they did in medieval times.

 

[Helena Handbasket]

Quoting myself like a you-know-what, but I had to google roux to see when it was invented, because the smol pixie often makes me doubt myself, like the narc she is, and it has been an established thing since the 17th century.

The equivalent in the art world, for example, would be a well known artist refusing to believe in perspective and drawing lions with human faces like they did in medieval times.

ETA to say my grandparents watched a cooking show in the 80’s presented by the Roux brothers-one of whom being Michel Roux Senior and because they were obsessed with roux-making I thought they’d invented it until I was about 30

 

[Notmycat]

Sprout scones recipe from Cooking on a Bootstrap

 

[House of Carbonara]

Rosemary, thyme and parsley pesto?! Oh she should’ve been a comedy cook. So a few things-don’t forget to allow all the herbs to go over even if they’re fresh when you get them - for authentic Jack ensure they are fading away in the back of the fridge before you finally rescue them. The woodiness of it also occurred to me-absolute ballache stripping both rosemary and thyme then trying to wrangle them into a pesto texture. Never gonna happen.
I’m just not sure why you’d make pesto if you had no basil.


Jamie’s flatbread is excellent (completed it mate) and I second Delia’s also very good. I love how tried and tested her recipes are-everything works and she’s so unpretentious-you want to spend a day making flaky pastry - go for it - here’s a recipe- otherwise use ready rolled babes it’s all good.

You know, because I am a sad frau (obvs), I'd love to meet Delia just to say thank you. She has been the guiding light in my kitchen for many, many years.

Rosemary, thyme and parsley? Just imagine what the pesto would taste like... She really has no concept of flavours, or quantities.

 

[Helena Handbasket]

You know, because I am a sad frau (obvs), I'd love to meet Delia just to say thank you. She has been the guiding light in my kitchen for many, many years.

Oh me too! I have so much to thank her for!! Big hug for Delia - she’s a queen. I feel like I’d just start wittering on and listing all my favourites like ‘oh and that strawberry granita! Ooh it’s lovely and such a good use of a lot of strawberries and those veggie sausage rolls from the Christmas book! Ooh I make those all the time!’ Just watch her backing away from me politely.

 

[sioc]

Because flattery will get you everywhere, how about this?

Private Site

looking at the ingredient list there is at least a 50% chance it will be edible.

Just wanted to point out that she's using a throwaway ethnic slur there (tinker). To be fair to her, I'm sure it's just another word she liked but doesn't understand

 

[binkbonk]

Rosemary, thyme and parsley pesto?!

Just add sage and make it a Simon & Garfunkel album pesto

 

[Potatoes O’Houlihan]

The sprout scones are...fried? In a frying pan with oil? Is this a normal cooking process for scones?
Please educate me I’ve never heard of fried scones.

 

[Charitas]

I keep getting this advert. Vlad knows all

 

[ChickenPorridge]

@Notmycat @Captainmouse Thanks ninnies but it's not actually available on Irish Tesco unfortunately. Not really interested in taking a day trip up north for sloppy purposes Gonna have a look in a few other shops after work

@Veronicaaa Not sure if I should just use shredded chicken breast or if I should make a white sauce from scratch, add the chicken, then rinse off the sauce for full authenticity

Marks & Spencer's used to do tinned chicken in a white sauce if you have one of those nearby to check. Whether you want to waste a tin of Marksies chicken on a Jack Monstrosity recipe is another thing dear heart x

 

[Day3TShirt]

Vegan(ish)

BREAD AND BREAKFAST
"Cheese" and marmite giant scone
Apricot and sunflower seed granola
Vegan brioche
Crumpets
Peanut butter and banana breakfast bars
Banana and berry baked oats
Pear and ginger pancakes
Spiced banana bread
Breakfast burritos
Rainbow fritters
Breakfast MuckMuffin
Tomato and olive Scuffins
Chocolate peanut butter spread
Breakfast wrap with banana chilli ketchup
Everyday sausages

SOUPS
"Chicken" soup
French onion soup
Cannellini and garlic soup
Roast tomato and thyme soup
Chickpea leek and fennel soup
Cannellini beans and greens soup
Jerusalem artichoke leek and white bean soup
Cuban black bean soup
Mock a leekie soup

SANDWICHES
Tunha sandwich
Classic "egg" sandwich
The Jack Reuben
Coronation chickpea sandwich
Nasu Dengaku buns
White bean artichoke and onion sandwich
BBQ jackfruit buns
Mock duck wraps
The big Jack
Vegan mayo

SALAD BAR
Raw courgette salad with "ricotta", cannellini beans and preserved lemon dressing
Chickpea Caesar salad
Salad dressing base
Green and white bean pasta salad
Beetroot pickled chickpeas
Potato salad with herb vinaigrette dressing
Cauliflower ginger lentil and lemon salad
Garlic broad bean puree with salad leaves
Vegan ricotta
Artichoke bread and tomato dip
Vegan labneh

PASTA, RICE AND NOODLES
Kindanara
Come to bed parmigiana
You won't believe it's vegan bolognese
Risotto milanese (sort off)
Cauliflower mac and cheese with crispy bacon crumbs
Beetroot and lentil lasagne
Klingon Gagh, vegan edition
Celeriac gnocchi
Smoky vegan 'cheese' sauce
Salad bag pesto

BIG DINNERS
Ultimate moussaka
Butterbean and cider casserole
Spinach dumplings in creamy tomato sauce
Slow mole inspired sauce
Iman Baildi
Mushroom lentil and ale pie
Chilli non carne
Aubergine stroganoff
Osso Jacco
Confit "duck" and pear cassoulet

FAKEAWAYS
Seasoned chick'n poppers
Sesame toasts
Crispy seasoned tofu
Thai inspired curry
Fake bake
Greek styled healthier chips
Crispy chow mein
Chinese style mushroom curry
"Egg" fried rice

ROAST DINNERS
Yorkies
Jack's legendary roast potatoes
'Pork Belly"
Buttery garlic chard
Leek fennel garlic and chickpea mash
A most excellent nut roast
Mandarin leek and fennel stuffing
Beet Wellington
Stuffed cauliflower

DESSERTS
Peanut butter crumble cookies
Miso caramel sauce
Bakewell tart
Millefeuilles
Coconut lime and strawberry puffs
Mint choc chip ice cream
Biscoff ice cream
Lime marmalade ice cream
Tiramifu
Bean juice meringues

PUDDINGS
Bread no butter pudding
Red rice pudding
Sticky gingerbread fingers
Two ingredient berry bread pudding
Orange and almond brownies
Birthday cake

Was going to make comment but got overwhelmed by the number of opportunities for piss takery presented by this list. Send smelling saltos.

 

[Madonna_Claws]

I have primed Herman (I am giggling away to myself now at my, if I do say so myself, genius nickname for my OH) by telling him that I am going to make him a delicious cake, he is much looking forward to it. I will even provide a review in German (with translation!)

Call me Mystic Meg but I'm guessing his review will be along the lines of "Gott im Himmel... Scheiße!"

 

[Day3TShirt]

That’s the first time I watched that. Genuinely thought she was putting sawdust in it…and did anyone see any trace of post oven spunk sauce because it looked like it had evaporated to me…!!

What is she doing at 14.50 when Sir Matt is talking to the TV? Looks like she’s manically jiving to the music playing in her own head.
Love Matt’s incredulity throughout.