Jack using cake mix as an ingredient always reminds me of Greg Davis sketch about pie not being an ingredient.
Slopalong #2 You can’t polish a turd, but you can cover it in parsley
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I love that this actually lists 4 ingredients. Even the name is wrong!Two-ingredient Cake: today’s the day!
This will be tough, my darlings, but so am I
I unscrewed my lightbulb for maximum authenticity when I took the photo of the recipe. Hope y’all appreciate my FORENSIC attention to detail here.
See you on the other side! TOOT TOOT
View attachment 1710910View attachment 1710911
Also, she doesn't specify what sort of custard to use. She talks about 'instant custard' in the method - which, to me, means Birds' Instant Custard powder, but then mentions an "ambrosial delight" which implies that she's actually referring to Ambrosia ready-made custard. Why does she conflate the two?
It's incredible that no one other than the canal seems to have spoken out about the true grim horror of her recipes.
The waste of food, money, time, fuel, hope and expectation is soul-destroying. I'm genuinely of the opinion that no one uses her books at all.
From now on, I'm joining the ranks of other ninnies who will buy them from charity shops simply to take them out of circulation.
(Ps attached is my donation).
The waste of food, money, time, fuel, hope and expectation is soul-destroying. I'm genuinely of the opinion that no one uses her books at all.
From now on, I'm joining the ranks of other ninnies who will buy them from charity shops simply to take them out of circulation.
(Ps attached is my donation).
Attachments
Yeah and to replace the eggs, milk and sugar in a cake, that should mean you are just mixing the custard with flour and baking powder, right? Not cake mix
Look on the bright side dearheart. Come the Apocalypse and we are eating soylent green you will know what to expect
.
And cakes generally have some butter in don’t they? Which seems to be missing from her custard and cake mix monstrosity.
Thinking back (not that I want to) to the Vegetable Peelings Loaf - one big thing that I just clocked is: it was a heck of a lot of Peelings. I'd stored some up from the previous two days and I eat a lot of veg, but even then, I had to bust out new veg to beef up the Peelings pile. Leaving me with unpeeled veg.
Particularly pertinent when, according to Jack, two potatoes are enough to make mash for four people.
In the Loaf recipe, she presumes you've got a whole heap of peelings to hand! No mention of how they should be stored until use, nor that they should be washed before peeling
Particularly pertinent when, according to Jack, two potatoes are enough to make mash for four people.
In the Loaf recipe, she presumes you've got a whole heap of peelings to hand! No mention of how they should be stored until use, nor that they should be washed before peeling
I have to admit, I once made the 3 tin tenders with rolla-cola as it was bad times financially and wanted to make something a little fancier to make me feel less tit... I had high hopes. I'm a bleeping eejit.
After rinsing, obv, the gravy away, I was left with a couple of spoons of meat and the amount of coke and toms used meant that it was drowning in the liquid. The electricity used to reduce the liquid could've bought a couple of minute steaks, but none the less, I cooked on.
I should've stopped. It was akin to eating a caramelised steak bake, if Greggs had a shop in Lilliput. There was only enough for half an actual portion and I was trying to feed 3 kids. At the time I figured I'd bought a copy that was an early run misprint. The picture in the book obviously showed quadruple the portion.
I now know better and do better. Jack does not.
After rinsing, obv, the gravy away, I was left with a couple of spoons of meat and the amount of coke and toms used meant that it was drowning in the liquid. The electricity used to reduce the liquid could've bought a couple of minute steaks, but none the less, I cooked on.
I should've stopped. It was akin to eating a caramelised steak bake, if Greggs had a shop in Lilliput. There was only enough for half an actual portion and I was trying to feed 3 kids. At the time I figured I'd bought a copy that was an early run misprint. The picture in the book obviously showed quadruple the portion.
I now know better and do better. Jack does not.
When I read that recipe in the kindle copy of Tin Can Cook that I regretfully bought. I could help but think that when SB asked for sweet and sour chicken balls her mind went to grating and rinsing tinned meat rather that popping to her very local Tesco Metro for these
and this
I would usually prefer homemade but not the way Jack does it. It would be cheaper and far tastier in my opinion.
Because she's a muppet.
A fellow three tin tender victim!
bleeping rank isn't it. For a time I thought it must be her worst recipe. Having seen the peelings loaf, I no longer think that.
I am rationing the slopalong thread (rather like a Pov sucking their dry oxo cube) instead of inhaling it greedily in one go (like Goblin Jack) because it is just too funny. I actually recoiled from the screen in delighted repulsion at the sight of a mug egg and sardine horror sullying an innocent microwave. I can't believe Jack's recipes are funnier than Jack!
@Lucky Escape your attempt to recreate your profile pic with slop had me 
IRL. I think you should make it your new profile pic! Chapeau and well done 
IRL. I think you should make it your new profile pic! Chapeau and well done She’d have been better off suggesting packet cake mix and a can of Coke/Sprite/Fanta etc. I‘ve used that method to make vegan cakes and it works fairly well.Packet cake mix and tin of custard? Interesting combination...However, what do I know - obviously the povs don't know how to use a box of cake mix.
None of the recipes seem that cheap to make either??
Creamy Crabby Pasta
Sadly neither Sainsburys nor Aldi had crab paste so I took Jack's advice of substituting "fish paste" and went for salmon and haddock instead. The packets of flat leaf parsley had all been squashed into mush so I ended up buying a plant, however, I have priced it up the same as the packet would have been. At the checkout I slipped the fish paste underneath my other shopping, furtively looking around in case someone I knew spotted me. Now I know what it must be like being a teenage boy buying condoms for the first time.
Ingredients
Pasta's boiling and onion, chilli, parsley, oil and lemon juice starting to warm up in a cold pan as per instructions
NOW THE MAGIC HAPPENS! Fish paste and yoghurt added to the mix. Parsley has turned into small black dots as expected.
Ta da! I haven't worked out how to photograph my own hands so stunt hands were employed. Thank you Marigold of the hands. Small bier stein spoon used as I suspect I will need a strong drink after tasting this despite me cooking it at 11am
Ingredients - crab paste not available in the 2 supermarkets close enough to walk to, other items easy to source 4/5
Recipe - straightforward and easy to follow but what's her obsession with cold pans and not using salt and pepper? 4/5
Visual appeal - not particularly enticing, looked like the neighbour's cat sneaked in and puked in the bowl 2/5
Texture - okay, main texture was the pasta and the texture of the sauce was inoffensive 3/5
Taste - overwhelming taste of lemon which is not what I expected, fish paste tang kicks in after a while which is not necessarily a good thing. Slightly better once I sprinkled salt over it but 3 mouthfuls was more than enough 2/5
Overall I'd give this a rating of 2.5 as it wasn't 'terrible' but definitely not middle class. I think I'll be able to rescue this with a garlicky tomato sauce and a tin of tuna.
My home now smells of onions and sadness.
Sadly neither Sainsburys nor Aldi had crab paste so I took Jack's advice of substituting "fish paste" and went for salmon and haddock instead. The packets of flat leaf parsley had all been squashed into mush so I ended up buying a plant, however, I have priced it up the same as the packet would have been. At the checkout I slipped the fish paste underneath my other shopping, furtively looking around in case someone I knew spotted me. Now I know what it must be like being a teenage boy buying condoms for the first time.
Fish paste (0.45p), red chilli (0.35p), half an onion (0.18p), flat leaf parsley (0.60p), 100g natural yoghurt (0.40p), 140g pasta (0.30p), tbsp oil (0.04p), tbsp lemon juice (0.04p) Total: £2.40 (£1.20 per portion) Pasta, oil and lemon juice were store-cupboard but I've costed them according to their original price. Most stuff is Sainsburys own or Aldi; I didn't go for the Basics range so obviously that would work out cheaper per portion.
Because I made this with Aldi Cucina egg pasta it came out to a respectable 425 cals per portion. If I had used the Aldi (non-egg) pasta it would be a less respectable 300 cals per portion.
Ingredients
Pasta's boiling and onion, chilli, parsley, oil and lemon juice starting to warm up in a cold pan as per instructions
NOW THE MAGIC HAPPENS! Fish paste and yoghurt added to the mix. Parsley has turned into small black dots as expected.
Ta da! I haven't worked out how to photograph my own hands so stunt hands were employed. Thank you Marigold of the hands. Small bier stein spoon used as I suspect I will need a strong drink after tasting this despite me cooking it at 11am
Ingredients - crab paste not available in the 2 supermarkets close enough to walk to, other items easy to source 4/5
Recipe - straightforward and easy to follow but what's her obsession with cold pans and not using salt and pepper? 4/5
Visual appeal - not particularly enticing, looked like the neighbour's cat sneaked in and puked in the bowl 2/5
Texture - okay, main texture was the pasta and the texture of the sauce was inoffensive 3/5
Taste - overwhelming taste of lemon which is not what I expected, fish paste tang kicks in after a while which is not necessarily a good thing. Slightly better once I sprinkled salt over it but 3 mouthfuls was more than enough 2/5
Overall I'd give this a rating of 2.5 as it wasn't 'terrible' but definitely not middle class. I think I'll be able to rescue this with a garlicky tomato sauce and a tin of tuna.
My home now smells of onions and sadness.
Here goes my darlings...forgive me if my formatting is a bit berserk, I’m PAINSTAKINGLY typing it out on an OBSOLETE iPhone do you want me to stop BREATHING???
Two-Ingredient Cake
I spent 40 p on the custard and 45p on the sponge mix. Already had the grease for the tin and I didn’t bother with sultanas because they are the devil’s work and I just knew the chances were high that they’d only go to waste anyway:
Recipe is simple enough: open tin, pour and scrape into a bowl, add the sponge mix but pass it through a sieve first to remove lumps and mix:
The mix actually looked quite promising, I began to get a bit excited:
Into the oven it went. I was tempted to go rogue and line my tin with parchment but I stuck to the rules and put my faith in my non- stick pan.
I checked it after 20 mins and it was looking GOOD!
It was rising beautifully, I was honestly surprised at how well it was going.
Cooked it as directed in my fan oven at 160 deg C for 45 mins and it looked great. However, being a wise Frau, I stuck a knife in it to test and... it was soaking wet still.
Back in the oven it went for ten more mins, same thing after that so back for another ten so that’s 1 hour and 5 mins now. Mindful of my electric meter whizzing round like a spinning top, I made the executive decision to take the cake out and turn the oven off.
As instructed, I let it rest in the tin for 30mins.
After 30 mins, this is what I came back to:
It had totally collapsed and compacted in the tin.
Now to remove it...thank goodness I had a spring form tin because it was welded to the bottom and it would never have come out in one piece otherwise. Had to prise it from its base but it’s a good quality tin so it was ok getting it off in the end.
Results....
As you can see, it’s a discus of stodge. It’s about 2cm deep.
It is nowhere near an ‘ambrosial delight’. It’s not even ‘saccharine sweet’ . It’s chewy, bendy like rubber and surprisingly bland.
There was a bit of the mixture on the knife I used to test it. It’s so rubbery that it can be used as playdough
This recipe DOES NOT WORK. I guess I knew it wouldn’t work, hence only investing 85p on the ingredients for it. I used up 5 KWH of electricity trying to get it to cook which has whacked £1.43 on my bill this morning.
Ridiculous, such a lazy grifting charlatan, how she’s still getting away with this, I do not know.
This was an ‘exclusive recipe from the Asda version of ‘Tin Can Cook’ , hence the asterisks in the ingredients list - they mean she’s supposedly tested it using Asda ingredients.
Pffft
Verdict - cheap ingredients yes
Energy consumption big fat NO
Level 1 result: Dire
Please do not try this in your home, I went through it so you didn’t have to. Now duck off x
Ps if this is too long, please can someone put it behind one of those spoiler button things for me thank youuu x
Two-Ingredient Cake
I spent 40 p on the custard and 45p on the sponge mix. Already had the grease for the tin and I didn’t bother with sultanas because they are the devil’s work and I just knew the chances were high that they’d only go to waste anyway:
Recipe is simple enough: open tin, pour and scrape into a bowl, add the sponge mix but pass it through a sieve first to remove lumps and mix:
The mix actually looked quite promising, I began to get a bit excited:
Into the oven it went. I was tempted to go rogue and line my tin with parchment but I stuck to the rules and put my faith in my non- stick pan.
I checked it after 20 mins and it was looking GOOD!
It was rising beautifully, I was honestly surprised at how well it was going.
Cooked it as directed in my fan oven at 160 deg C for 45 mins and it looked great. However, being a wise Frau, I stuck a knife in it to test and... it was soaking wet still.
Back in the oven it went for ten more mins, same thing after that so back for another ten so that’s 1 hour and 5 mins now. Mindful of my electric meter whizzing round like a spinning top, I made the executive decision to take the cake out and turn the oven off.
As instructed, I let it rest in the tin for 30mins.
After 30 mins, this is what I came back to:
It had totally collapsed and compacted in the tin.
Now to remove it...thank goodness I had a spring form tin because it was welded to the bottom and it would never have come out in one piece otherwise. Had to prise it from its base but it’s a good quality tin so it was ok getting it off in the end.
Results....
As you can see, it’s a discus of stodge. It’s about 2cm deep.
It is nowhere near an ‘ambrosial delight’. It’s not even ‘saccharine sweet’ . It’s chewy, bendy like rubber and surprisingly bland.
There was a bit of the mixture on the knife I used to test it. It’s so rubbery that it can be used as playdough
This recipe DOES NOT WORK. I guess I knew it wouldn’t work, hence only investing 85p on the ingredients for it. I used up 5 KWH of electricity trying to get it to cook which has whacked £1.43 on my bill this morning.
Ridiculous, such a lazy grifting charlatan, how she’s still getting away with this, I do not know.
This was an ‘exclusive recipe from the Asda version of ‘Tin Can Cook’ , hence the asterisks in the ingredients list - they mean she’s supposedly tested it using Asda ingredients.
Pffft
Verdict - cheap ingredients yes
Energy consumption big fat NO
Level 1 result: Dire
Please do not try this in your home, I went through it so you didn’t have to. Now duck off x
Ps if this is too long, please can someone put it behind one of those spoiler button things for me thank youuu x
You know, I so want to try that.
Eighteen hours on from my Slopalong, there's *still* a lingering honk despite open windows, extractor fan working overtime, copious smelly candles and the liberal use of Febreze around the house, plus I've still got the shits*. Thanks Jack, you twit.
* To be fair to Jack, I don't think this is her fault, especially as I only had Paul n Prue-type nibbles of the fishcakes for testing purposes. They *were* edible (if meh) but I'm having problems processing any food at the moment, plus I've genuinely lost my appetite recently and just didn't feel like eating. So yeah, probably not her slopes fault, but a coincidence nevertheless...
* To be fair to Jack, I don't think this is her fault, especially as I only had Paul n Prue-type nibbles of the fishcakes for testing purposes. They *were* edible (if meh) but I'm having problems processing any food at the moment, plus I've genuinely lost my appetite recently and just didn't feel like eating. So yeah, probably not her slopes fault, but a coincidence nevertheless...
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