Anyone want to take a shot at doing a synopsis of Rooby's new book? I'll start:
Clarissa Bassington-Sstench (both "S"s are silent and it is actually pronounced "Tory-tax evader") is a highly gifted girl (she's actually a fully grown adult, and has been for four years, but what the hey) who is attending a prestigious university. [She failed to get into Oxford, but we will not mention that - ah, oops, I just did] She finds university life a struggle at first, as all her lectures and seminars are filled with people who are not as clever as she is, and what's worse, some of those nasties actually went to ghastly state schools. Clarissa B-S rises above the dross though, triumphing in her studies, although she does deign to attend a student party at one point, where she absolutely refuses to drink, smoke, take drugs, or have sex, which is what all parties require one to do at some point in the evening.
Despite her top grades, Clarissa B-S feels lonely at times, because nobody is on a par with her big brain. At first she tries to dull it by giving herself whiplash, spinning round in a field. Then she tries to befriend some of her university lecturers, but they are not on her level either, and two of them end up retiring after they realise that in comparison to Clarissa, they know nothing at all about their subject, despite both being Nobel prize winners.
In a sub-plot that goes nowhere, Clarissa's little brother, Fauntleroy B-S drops out of his (far less) prestigious university as he decides he will chance his luck as a chess grandmaster.
Back at Tory Towers, Clarissa decides she cannot sully her hands any longer mixing with common people on campus, and completes her studies at the family mansion, where she barricades herself in as an attempt to stop the older of the Rees-Mogg boys from wooing her with his beautiful penmanship.
THE END. (and you will want to end it all)
Erimentha Parker's To-Do List 2: A Most Productive Dickensian Adventure.
Years after Erimentha Parker narrowly survived her savage school bullying trauma at the hands of Joanna (even Ruby's forgotten the name of the bully whose name she couldn't keep straight in the first book), Erimentha Parker is enrolled at Axatar University, which is identical to Exeter University in all but name.
Her brother died between books from a degenerative brain disease; the doctors said his brain was just too small to power his lumbering, uncoordinated body any more.
Ruby writes an entire chapter about how Erimentha was affected by his death, but this is mostly about how inconvenienced Erimentha was by having to attend the funeral when she had so much critical reading to complete.
However, every member of the family personally thanked and praised Erimentha for putting up for her brother as long as she did, and also for her eulogy, which was the most beautiful speech any of them had ever heard, and even made the local news. The eulogy was mostly about Erimentha's many accomplishments.
Ruby does not mention Erimentha's brother by name at any point in this chapter, since she forgot what she called him in the first book and can't be bothered to look it up, and he's not important anyway. He is never mentioned again.
After completing college with a record-breaking 24 A Levels - 23 A*s and 1 A which she got a lower grade for intentionally to stay humble and grounded - Erimentha was offered a place at Oxford. But as much as they begged her and pleaded with her to accept a place, Erimentha rejected Oxford so that she could bestow her wisdom upon students at a lesser school who needed the fruit of her vast knowledge and boundless intelligence that much more.
She's now in her final year at Axatar Uni, living off-campus with her best friend Binkly, who is constantly asking Erimentha for fashion advice and help with her studies, which Erimentha happily does.
Even though Erimentha in her fourth year, she has somehow already graduated three times with five different undergrad degrees, but has chosen to stay on for an extra year to study science, and her final project is a homemade particle collider which she whipped up in a couple of weeks with sustainable, recycled materials she found around campus.
When she turns on the particle collider, Erimentha is hurled back in time! Ruby wastes an entire three page's worth of synonyms describing what the sound of time travel is like before establishing that Erimentha is in the Victorian era.
Here Ruby accidentally copies and pastes an entire chapter from the first book into the sequel. Ruby will later claim that this was intentional - "It's a flashback scene!
haha!" - although the pasted chapter is completely unrelated to anything in the sequel. Ruby then changes her story for this erroneous chapter and claims that it's literary experiment to represent the result of time travel in the story. She then blocks anyone who asks further questions.
The next chapter of Erimentha Parker 2 is actually the first chapter again, but with a different chapter number and title.
The chapter that follows is just the month of June from Pumpkin Productivity's 2021 Academic Planner.
After four more chapters of blank pages, the book abruptly ends with a "To be continued..."
When people who paid £17.99 for an incomplete book complain to Ruby, she ignores them for several days before announcing that because the rest of Erimentha Parker 2 was so highly requested, it will now be released as monthly chapters on the Pumpkin Productivity website as a cost of £24.99 per chapter, increasing by £5 incrementally with each new chapter.
The price for the
previous chapter will also increase by £10 each month, too, so if you don't buy them right away, you'll pay substantially more for every chapter the longer you leave it.
People who are stupid enough to buy this next chapter wait several months after the release date before receiving a blank lined notebook with a letter from Ruby inviting them to "create their own chapter!" as Erimentha Parker 2 is now an interactive storytelling experience!
In fairness, it's a big part of the 'kidney decluttering' I'm forced to do to shift the stone. It involves separating the day into 3-hour segments and drinking a set amount of water in that time, plus a 'fun' drink (i.e. anything that's not water). It also involves walking around muttering 'damn stone!' and wiggling about like Beyonce (only deeply unappealing) in an attempt to dislodge stone. I guess that'd count as 'movement' on Ruby's list of habits. Oh, and once stone emerges I'm going to tick 'Produce Stone' and 'Have a Productive Kidney' off my to-do list. The sense of achievement is real.
(and a much better name than Nathan).
