I have been with my partner for 2.5 years and we are engaged but things have really taken a downward turn the past 10 months or so. It all started because we used to talk about children and marriage and it was something that we were very much on the same page about but then I noticed his responses in terms of children were giving me an inkling that he suddenly wasn't so keen. He already has a child from a previous relationship and I always said I would never date someone with children already but hey how here I am.
Eventually, he started saying things like "I want children BUT I need to achieve xyz" and then it moved onto "I don't know if I can promise you that we will have children". I felt like my world was falling apart because this is a big thing that I want. I would be over the moon with just one child but the more I have tried to discuss it, the more closed off he gets.
We started having arguments about stupid things... chores mainly and some issues where he said I was jealous of his mum because I was upset I wasn't invited on a family holiday last summer. My mood started to dip. We kept discussing marriage (we are having an Islamic wedding) and it kept getting pushed back and back and excuses like "I don't want you to feel trapped in a marriage if I decide I don't want children". As the arguments got more and more, he moved out. This happened about 8 months ago and it floored me. I have struggled to adapt to living separately and trying to adjust to a new style of relationship. I have become very depressed and angry and upset a lot of the time. Whenever I try and discuss that all these events that have happened have triggered my mental health decline, he gets defensive and says I am blaming him for my mental health and it is not fair to him and that I am responsible for my own happiness and it is too much pressure for me to put my happiness on him.
Lately, I have really been trying to soul search and wonder if this relationship is right for me. I love him dearly, but he just seems like he is closing off from me and unable to support me or understand even WHY I have declined in my wellbeing so much. He always says to be positive and that we have beautiful things to look forward to together, but if I don't know if we are headed for children in the future I don't know if I want to continue in this potentially dead end relationship. I tried to break up with him the day before nye because of the whole children thing but we were both very upset and he said if I have been feeling unwell mentally them I should not make any rash decisions and I should take time to think about it.
I have no doubt that he loves me, but I just don't think he loves me enough. And what is worse is that him saying he doesn't know if he wants children is making me resent his child.
We had another discussion about children last week and he said how can we be talking about children when the relationship is in the state it is in. He has a fear of having another child in a broken home and I think that is a big factor for his withdrawal. I said I understood what he was saying about our relationship not being stable enough to think about children now but for me the uncertainty was one of the reasons we had now come to this point!
I just don't know what to do. I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of not meeting the right person. I was single for 4 years after an abusive relationship before I got into this one. I'm 33 this year. I have endometriosis and polycystic ovaries. Time and health is not on my side. I am so confused. I just started taking anti depressants to try and give me a clearer headspace to deal with what is going on. I haven't felt this down in a long time and I don't feel like I should feel this way in a relationship that is supposed to fulfil me.
Why is he so ambiguous and contradictory. One minute he wants children then the next he doesn't know if he does. On the day before nye when I tried to end it, it was because he specifically said for the first time "I don't want children". Now since we have spoken again he is saying if our relationship heals and gets into a place where we are strong and have shared values of how to raise a child together then he doesn't see why that cannot manifest for us. I am just so tired of being in my head all the time about this and I go from feeling like I am strong enough to break it off and start a fresh and then I feel weak again and like I don't want to live my life without him. I am just so confused.
Two things I would ask yourself questions around
.
Does he make you unhappy more than he makes you happy? When was the last time he truly made you feel happy? You can be valued, supported, loved but not happy.
Can you live without children because he doesn’t want them? What if you needed fertility treatment, would he be the person you could do that journey with? How far would he be prepared to go if you needed help, could you support him and him you in that?
If you split up and you never went on to have children would you think the split was a mistake or would you still be happy it was the correct decision? Is he the person you want by your side of the path to children doesn’t run smoothly because of not you’ll only build more resentments and feel more invested so it’s harder to walk away from.
To me it sounds as though the relationship is broken and despite trying hard to fix it, something isn’t working. I promise you that you can be alone and you can learn to live without him. Also that if you break up and you’re truly meant to be together you will find each other again in the future, but you need to be happy in yourself first. To stop needing him and just want him. Being alone is much better than being with someone and feeling alone anyway because they don’t live you the way you need to be loved. Never stay in a relationship because it’s better than being alone because that’s settling and you owe yourself more than that in life. You can love someone without being right for each other in a relationship.
I agree with the other poster, cut off contact for 30 days minimum. You can’t look forward or even see a clear path if you’re constantly being pulled backwards.
I would like a partner but separate homes.
but that would be too petty lol
