Relationship advice

[Tinkerbell cat]

Don't know if this is the right thread. How do you get on with your life when someone's told you to do exactly that? I love this man and he does not love me like I love him, whys it so hard to move on when it's clear they are not the one? I don't want a man. I just love this one. It's been a hard situation-ship for a while. I've grown quite close and we have had good times but FFS why can't I just move on and be happy with myself. Nothing works! I go to the gym, I go to college and also have a potential job coming up. All I think about is this man. My brain is wired to only feel things deeply. This happened when I was with my ex who I thought I'd never ever get over and now I look back and think jeez what was I thinking. But until then how do you just stop thinking about this one that does not care anymore? It's so hard.

The only thing that has ever worked for me in the past is time. There really is no quick fix.
It's so difficult - I swear I would do nothing but text, call and stalk their social media and it wasn't until they turned round to me and told me they were single, they could do as they please and I needed to move on that I got the wake-up call I needed. It hurt like hell hearing him say it but I had to move on for my own mental health.
I needed to stop chasing him, I needed to do everything in my power to not think about him - Impossible at times.
I blocked him, and as hard as it was, I painted a smile on my face and just took each day as it came. I went to the gym, out with friends, always keeping busy and as much as there were some really bad days - each day would get a little better.
It didn't help that when he saw I was getting on with my life and decided to come back and mess with my head again - but I was a lot stronger and knew I didn't want to fall back into old habits and ways so I stood my ground.
I did move on and I'm so much happier now than I ever was with him - although at the time I really did think he was the love of my life and I'd never get past it, I did.
Break ups are bloody hard but you will move on.

 

[tomato_paste]

I appreciate all the replies. Things took a turn for the worse this morning. We still had each others keys and I had a pair of his trainers and he had a pair of my shoes that I wouldn't be bothered about but I wanted them back because they are chanel. I went to swap the shoes and the keys but he wouldn't give my key back because he said he was going to get his xbox out of my house first. I'd already handed over his key. He tried to shut the door in my face so I put my foot in the door and asked for my key again and he shoved me into the railing. So by this time I'm crying and he shut the door and I'm still asking for my key back and I knocked on the door again and he came and shoved me into the railing again. I had a work appt so I went to the appt and when I came back he had been in my house and he knows my password is the same for everything so he must have downloaded the security system app and logged in and deleted the footage of him in my house and he did put the front door key through the letterbox but he either stole or hid my back door key so I've had to change the lock. He can't copy my front door key because it's a security key. I've blocked him on everything. Perhaps I did overreact about not being able to go to his birthday dinner but it's constant hurt over the same things so it really made me feel like nothing to him.

Uh this is assault. No matter what else happened, this man was comfortable with the idea of hurting you. Additionally, he is fine with accessing your flat without your consent, basically breaking in, and messing with your electronics. He's so far past any boundaries the red flags are mere blips in the distance. You need to stay away from him or he'll hurt you worse next time.

 

[littlepup]

Please end it, you are worth so much more than this x

This. Is he finally seeeing the light and trying or is he just panicking that his gravy train is ending.
Sounds like the latter. I don’t think you can come back from this or if there’s anything to salvage sadly. From what you’ve said, he’s not benefitting or giving you anything at all.
It’s better to be unhappy (in the short term) alone but with the prospect that better is coming than throwing your future after your past by staying in a situation that’s not making you happy or serving you in any way.

 

[xcyber]

Fellow Tattlers - I need your help. Buckle up as this might be a long one!

I am 35F and my partner 42M - we have been together since August 2019 and moved in together in March 2020.

Of course, when we met we were in a little bubble of lust and had a great time together, but after being together for a month or so, he made a comment about wanting a partner who was in shape and physically attractive. I am about 4 stone overweight and have yo-yo'd for most of my adult life. I want to get fit and healthy and agreed that I would make a conscious effort - but not just for him but for me too.

Skip forward to Spring 2021 and him walking out of his job. He didn't work for a few months and then got himself a WFH job which he stuck at for 6 months. In December 2021, he quit that job. I could see it was making him miserable and said that I could financially support us on my wage for a few months before things would be really difficult. We agreed he would use that time to find something else and all would be well.

During this time he basically spend his entire day gaming whilst I was out working. No housework, no cooking, no nothing done in the house - so when I got home from work, it was all on me.

He turned 40 in the summer of 2022 and he'd said a few times that he wanted a gaming PC (costing around £1500) and 'maybe a night or two away somewhere'. I couldn't afford a gaming PC (bearing in mind, we are getting by off my sole income) so I booked a few days away in the Peak District in a cute little cottage where I thought we could switch off and just have a nice few days. Well, this didn't go down well and when we got home he basically said I had ruined his 40th and I clearly didn't know him at all. Long story short - we argued and made up but he said he could never forgive me.

It's now January 2024 - he is still not working or contributing at all and I am having to lend him money to pay his bills. He has no drive, no motivation and we do not have what I would say is a 'relationship' but just two people living their lives under the same roof. I am miserable, we don't do anything together - he still spends all day gaming while I go out to work. He has constantly made comments about my weight and how I look for the duration of our relationship.

Last week, after me being in tears most nights he told me I 'needed to get my head checked' and I told him that my head is fine and that he is the problem. We talked, I told him I needed space. I stayed with a friend fir a few nights at the weekend - got absolutely blind drunk on Saturday and instead of going home to talk on Sunday, I stayed away. He got pretty shitty with me when I told him this and I also said I didn't think I was in love with him anymore.

When I got back on Monday, he'd text me saying sorry, he didn't realise how much things had taken a toll on me, he wanted to get back to the place we were in before and he hoped we could spend time together this week and talk. He said he'd be lost without me, he wants to be together and can't imagine not having me in his life and asked me to not give up on him.

We have talked and I now feel quilted to saying yes to giving him the chance to change things. I can't forget the things he said about my appearance (although now he says he'd rather have me exactly as I am than not at all - but he thinks both of us getting healthy together would change our relationship entirely). I feel sick at the thought of now telling him that I can't do it - he has been helping around the house for the last two days and we've been out for a few walks together. But I don't feel that I will ever be able to forget everything and be 100% in again and I don't know how long I can go along playing happy family.

My friends and family have begged me to end things and get out of the emotional abuse but I just don't know what to do next.

What would you tattlers do?

Of course he can’t live without you, you’re paying all his bills. Dump this waste of space. And don’t spend another penny on him.
---
And don’t leave your home. Make sure he’s the one who leaves when you end things.

 

[Grizzlybear]

Hey! Just looking for some advice so any thoughts would be really appreciated

I live with my partner in a flat he owns outright with no mortgage. In terms of how I contribute, I pay for all food, I pay for holidays, I pay him around £200/month for utilities, plus half of the building’s service charge (£150 a month), and I make a point of picking up the bill for things like dinners or coffees more than him, but my issue is recently he has said that I should be paying for the full service charge moving forward.

He thinks this is fair because I used to spend way more on living costs when I was renting, however something about this arrangement isn’t sitting right with me and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not.

The reason he cannot afford to pay his half now is because for the last few years he's been on universal credit while he’s waiting for an investor to kick start his business, and in the meantime all his savings and any cash he has goes into crypto and NFTs, so he doesn't actually have any real-world money but he does have considerable assets, whereas I have a regular wage but zero assets.

I personally don't mind if that's how he wants to spend his life even though that’s not how I would choose to live, however now that he expects me to pay more bills than he does I don’t think it’s fair I pay for his unorthodox lifestyle choice. While my money would be going out the door every month for bills, his money is all going into growing more assets for himself which obviously I wouldn’t get any benefit from.

It also feels like an uncomfortable power dynamic, because for example if I lost my job, I would go and do bar work until I had a better paying job again so as not to impact him financially, and also if I wasn’t with him because I don't own any property I wouldn't have the option of being able to live on as little income as he does as I'd need to find the money for rent.

To add to this, I actually don’t mind chipping in extra to help support him for longer, if he understands that once he’s got a similar income to myself I would expect to half bills again. It’s just that he seems to feel like because I’m saving money vs renting then I should just be grateful I guess?

For some context about me, I earn around £50k before tax, and around a quarter of my pay goes on care for my grandma. This also sounds very ungrateful, but I also wouldn’t have chosen to have lived in this area of london if I was renting, and most of the space contains his things so I don’t feel the space is shared 50/50 either - perhaps more like 70/30.

Please tell me if you think I’m being an asshole - I definitely don’t think I should be living for free and I am grateful to not be paying rent, it’s just that if the tables were turned I wouldn’t expect my life partner to be contributing more than me in bills.

Edit: I also forgot to mention, he's also asking that I can backdate payments of this service charge for the whole time we've lived together (around 3 years). This comes to around £3000 which is money I physically don't have and would take me a while to save up

Absolutely not what’s stopping him getting ANY job whatsoever? A friend of mine is in a similar situation and genuinely she gets nothing out of it but a roof over her head? She is saving to get out as supporting her layabout bf has got her into debt. Suggest you get out before you also get into debt… rents are coming back down again so you have options girl! You can’t even relax among your own things, it’s all his?!

 

[littlepup]

Hey guys!!
I am not sure if this is the correct thread so I apologise in advance if not

Myself and my partner have been together since 2015, we were 26 now 34, within the first few months we had discussed where we would love to see ourselves in 5+ years, what we hoped to do in life and not live with regrets.
My main goals was to have children, my partner agreed.
A year later we had moved in together and got a mortgage, two years go by and the topic of having children came up, my partner shut it down immediately and said he didn’t want children has it didn’t give him any purpose in life, this obviously broke me has I couldn’t believe I had waited 2 years for him to just change his mind out of nowhere, I know this sounds dramatic but I almost felt like I had waisted my time with someone I believed to have a future with!
I kind of let him think I had forgotten about having children and that I weren’t that fussed over it but then I brought it up again not long after, my partner then told me “one day” but then it would change again to “no”
We had a massive falling out because I believe that he doesn’t want to (doesn’t have to) have children and I feel like I’m almost allowing him to have that luxury but my wants in life are sitting on a shelf waiting for “one day”

we have NEVER used protection, never been on any form of contraception, only ever used the ‘pull out method’
In 8 years he has only ever not pulled out twice and that was 2 weeks ago and just before Halloween last year.

let’s just say, we are 8 years in (almost 9) no children!
it really breaks my heart that I can’t be a mum, I love my partner with everything but most days I feel like I’m living my life with regrets and that’s not what I want to do.
I asked my partner again today and he’s told me he’s sick of me asking him, he says the more I ask the more it makes him not want to has he feels like I’m rushing him!
he doesn’t seem to understand that we have been together nearly 9 years, it’s not like we are in the first year!!
Please help.

Can you genuinely be happy in life without children? Because I don’t think having children with him is an option here. It’s stay and be childless or leave and take your chances with another relationship.

People who don’t want children shouldn’t have children. They almost never make good parents. We’d love to think they’d discover the magic and wonder how they lived without them but it’s just not the reality, having kids is bloody hard work, you have to want it. Having children with this man will probably lead to resentment from you when he doesn’t step up (no one talks about the resentment you feel as a new Mum even in a balanced relationship) and resentment from him toward you for ‘pushing him’ into something he didn’t want, ‘forcing’ into the responsibility of it. The relationship would likely breakdown then you’re a single Mum with a reluctant or no co-parent.
Unfortunately when it comes to having kids there’s no half way compromise and after 9 years it seems like his position is clear.
Withdrawal is only about 80% effective so it’s a massively risky method. If you’re sort of hoping it’ll happen and he’ll have to face up to it, is that how you want to conceive anyway?

“he says the more I ask the more it makes him not want to” - this is an unbelievably childish attitude. If you can’t have open lines of communication without being shut down, it also doesn’t bode well for the relationship full stop, let alone co-parenting.

 

[xcyber]

When we first met I already was a single parent to one, he has been a amazing step dad to my son, he told me he wanted children but for the past 6 years it’s been ‘one day’ I am very family oriented so having children of my own was always something I wanted to have and my partner told me he loved that about me, I have worked has a midwife since I was 19, my partner has a very good job also.
I wanted to get with someone who had the same if not similar life goals has me so that this wouldn’t happen, I was lead to believe we would have this life together but honestly nothing we saw ourselves doing from 19 has happened. I’d hate to get to 50 and look back on my life with regrets.
Has for the comment ‘can you genuinely be happy in life without children’ it’s not has simple has that when you wake up everyday for 9 years with a ache in your heart knowing your son won’t have a sibling and that you really want something but can’t have it, it’s not a case of wake up and accept it, it’s an hard one because unless you really understand and relate where I’m coming from it just won’t make sense.
I would never leave my partner for not having children but I feel lied to so I can say it’s pushed me away a little.

I’m not really sure what you’re asking advice regarding if you’ve already decided you won’t leave him for not having a child. Personally if it was something I desperately wanted and the person I was with had clearly mislead me about their desire for the same thing I’d have to decide what’s more important to me. But it sounds like you’ve already chosen being with him. In which case you have to let go of the child dream and accept him for what he is. Unless you’re hoping to ‘accidentally’ fall pregnant and force a situation but I agree with the poster above, only those who really want kids should have them. Otherwise he could just be resentful forever. But similarly so could you if it never happens.

 

[BelindaBlue]

@JSK90 Hey, I've been there myself (nearly 10 years this went on for). As your post last night was obviously typed up while in an emotional state, you may have got up this morning with some clarity, or you may still be feeling hurt.

What I want to say is, that regardless of who's right and who's wrong, you need to have a good look at this relationship from a non judgemental and non emotional viewpoint, and ask yourself if this is want you want for yourself. Is it on and off due to the same issues? Do you feel like you are putting in more than you are taking out? Do you feel loved, cherished, and part of his life?

Have an honest opinion with yourself about your self worth. Don't contact him until you are emotionally calm, and while your waiting work out what you want from this relationship, and then sit down with him and tell him calmly. Just remember he may not have the same relationship goals as you and you can't apportion blame if his idea of a relationship is different to yours.

You can't get another human being to change, but you can work toward changing yourself by working on your self worth and having your own life and interests outside of this relationship. If you are constantly telling someone their behaviour to you is unacceptable, but then allowing them back for the same to happen again, then the person has you over a barrel. He knows all he has to do is wait for you to calm down, say a few words he knows you want to hear, and carry on doing what he wants. Please please understand that this isn't a healthy relationship. You may feel like you have control because you are constantly ending it, but believe me, at present he holds all the cards in this.

But I would look into you own actions as well. You may, from a non judgemental observation find you still feel like you were right, but you may equally feel like you over reacted.

Why was it so important to spend yesterday with him and his family? By your account you have only been back together a minimum of 2 months. Is this on and off thing you have going on good for his child? I do get it. I had a childhood of emotional neglect and I really wanted to belong somewhere. But I realised in the end I had to belong to myself. It took a while but once I got that self worth and self compassion even my patchy relationship with my family changed for the better. My 10 year relationship with my partner however ended because I was honest with myself and I realised he wasn't who I wanted him to be. He wasn't going to change. He wasn't even a bad person really, he just had different life and relationship goals to me.

I would advise anyone in the same situation (and I have done several times) to read the book Why Men Love Bitches, and it's sequal Why Men Marry Bitches. They were written in the 90's so are a bit dated, but they drive home the point succinctly and humouressly that we need to have that self worth for a healthy relationship.

Good luck for your future and I hope you get some clarity soon.

 

[littlepup]

The reason he cannot afford to pay his half now is because for the last few years he's been on universal credit while he’s waiting for an investor to kick start his business, and in the meantime all his savings and any cash he has goes into crypto and NFTs, so he doesn't actually have any real-world money but he does have considerable assets, whereas I have a regular wage but zero assets.

I missed that bit before. How can he be on UC if he has all these savings in the form of Crypto? If he’s not declaring it as an asset then he’s committing fraud by deprivation of assets.
He's being bankrolled by the government and you while he sits on his arse, at best, chasing a dream. Is this what you want for your future? He’s just ‘waiting’ for an investor while expecting others to pay his way. What’s he doing to be proactive about his future
Are you sure he’s being honest? That he doesn’t have a gambling habit? If this post is real then there is definitely some kind of deception on the part of the boyfriend. It’s not plausible otherwise.

 

[xcyber]

Thank you all confirming what I think as I agree with it all he’s not usually active on social media (like myself) the rare times I do post something he’ll like it a few days week later as he was never online but now it’s constantly online and is posting things himself which he says is just for work people/work jokes despite having the same job for years and it’s only been recently since he got new interns to train. I’m 99% out the door at this point I can’t be bothered with his immaturity been together over 5 years keep waiting for him to mature but never happens
---
I’m pretty sure he is not cheating as from what I can see it all seems one sided from him but I think that might be just as bad

He’s probably not cheating but he’s putting the feelers out to see if anyone bites. Cringe. And it definitely sounds like this has been triggered by an influx of young interns - midlife crisis lol. I think it sounds like you know what you’ve got to do. Dump him before he lines up a replacement and leaves which is probably what he’s subconsciously doing. What a dick.

 

[plonkington]

I made a post before and got so many helpful and lovely comments the community here is so nice! I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this subject so thought I’d maybe try and see if anyone has any thoughts.

I’ve been with my partner for a few years now, things are starting to move forwards and are looking at houses/moving in very soon. I guess I’m having a bit of cold feet and am unsure if I’m with the right person. I love him and he has my heart, but going forwards I’m just not sure. We don’t have much in common, I am not entirely sure what we will do together all the time, things will always be a struggle financially, I don’t trust him 100% as in if he goes out for a night or something I do feel anxious and don’t have trust in him after a few mistakes he has made previously in our relationship. It feels like a bit of a gamble like it could go well, but I also see it potentially ending in disaster. He is not the most mature person at his age (28)

I have a friend, who I’ve known and been best friends with for a good 10+ years. I was his first love and although I didn’t feel the same we remained very close and I’m starting to possibly catch feelings for him. (There is 0 cheating going on I’m not acting upon anything at all and have told my partner I am having doubts and he knows all) I can’t help but think my life with him would be better, I know without a doubt he would stay loyal and be the most amazing father, we have a lot more in common and I don’t feel anxious about living with him at all I know we’d fit together from diet/tidiness/decorating style/lifestyle all the little things I don’t have in common with my partner that worry’s me. (I’m a country outdoors farmy person like him, whereas my partner is more a city boy to put it simply which is completely fine just worry we have different dreams and one of us will have to sacrifice and not get what we want)

when I look into the future, in all honesty I feel so much more confident/sure of the future I would have with my best friend. Although there isn’t that sparks flying romance I have with my partner, there is more trust, I feel he may know and understand me and my needs and wants more than my partners, we have spent so long building the bond we have I feel it’s unbreakable, and honestly I do spend more time with him than my partner due to us having similar hobbies, and I know without a doubt I can make him happy- With my partner, I just don’t know. I do have doubts I will be all he wants and that he’ll stay forever I do worry about being enough for him, there is a lot of worries! But at the same time, I’ve always felt a spark with him, I just don’t know if that’s enough.

As much as I hate to be that girl, I love them both. In completely different ways, and I don’t know who I should be with. I’ve always been happy alone and know what I want, but this I just can’t figure out.

If anyone has some friendly advice would be much appreciated, I do want to stress there’s 0 cheating emotional or physical both parties know the situation, I am trying to do best by everyone but it is a tricky subject and is very hard to talk and ask for advice without getting judged too much

I’ll be honest I stopped reading past the part where you don’t trust him, in my opinion if you don’t have trust you don’t have anything!
in whatever your decision I hope it goes well

 

[margaretta]

I've been in an on again, off again, dysfunctional relationship for a while now. I've posted about it before. I suppose at this moment in time, I'm just looking for some validation that I'm not wrong about what just happened. In brief, together for fully 3 years and engaged and on/off for the past 1 year. I left him in January this year for what I hoped was for good but ended up taking him back after 6 weeks which is the longest separation period. Usually its only around 2 weeks maximum. It was his birthday yesterday and he said he was going to his mums from about 2pm until 6pm and he would come to mine after. He ended up staying up until about 6am so he got up late and said it had a knock on effect for going to his mums so he would be at mine for about 8pm. I felt a bit like I'm not waiting around for him to rock up to mine after having a birthday meal with his mum and his child like I'm some spare part. I felt upset at not being invited to his mums. She knows we are back together.
He said it wasn't his mums idea and that he had asked her to do it. He had also said a couple of days before that he didn't even want to go.
I said to him 8pm was a bit late really and I knew this would happen. He said "but I need to go and pick them up." I said who is them? So he said his daughter. But to me that indicated he had just fucked up and actually he was going out for a meal with his mum and his child and probably his mums partner as well.... and I'm not invited. So I said to him to have a nice day and I went home and I cried in the car on my way home.
He messaged me and said he won't come to mine afterwards if it makes me feel a way.
Then today I messaged him and I asked him why wasn't I invited to spend his bday with his family because he is always telling me I am his family but his actions always say otherwise. He said because he wanted to spend time just with his child. Which doesn't really make sense because he was spending the day with his mum and his child and maybe even his mums partner?? I said I found it hurtful and rude and exclusionary. He went off on one saying its his birthday and I can't pick and choose when I want to spend time with him and we had been together the past 3 days already. He said he doesn't want to hear anything from me unless it's an apology or accountability of why I feel entitled to ruin his special occasion and he said the way I have reacted is not acceptable.

I don't think I'm out of line to be upset and feel excluded and feel like my partner should want to spend his birthday with me and his family and not just want to wake up with me and then fuck me off to go and have a nice dinner and then come back to mine at night and probably expect me to have sex with him. Am I being unreasonable or am I crazy or what???

I've told him to fuck off anyway - I'm sick of wasting my life being on the periphery of his. I just feel like that is so hurtful and for him to not recognise that is like wow.

In our 4 years, he has only met my dad once and has had no interest in being involved with my family but even so, not a single family/birthday/fathers day dinner has gone by in those 4 years where my dad has not invited him. I used to think my family was a bit rubbish and was looking for a safe haven in his, but looking back with hindsight now, I think my family is much kinder and more considerate than his.

Sorry to hear this.
Reading your situation, this sounds like it is as good as it gets and you’re clutching at straws trying to make something out of nothing, because the pain of staying put is less than the pain of quitting the relationship permanently.

Miley Cyrus springs to mind…perhaps you need to start singing this to yourself?

I can buy myself flowers
Write my name in the sand
Talk to myself for hours
Say things you don't understand
I can take myself dancing
And I can hold my own hand
Yeah, I can love me better than you can

Start loving yourself and you’ll realise you deserve better than him.

 

[unidentified]

So things are moving forward with a man i met online in December(first one I’ve ever met from an app). We are long distance but aim to now see each other once a week.We have never spoken about being exclusive at all.Although he has said he’s not talking to other women.I’m trusting this as that’s all I can do.We haven’t had sex yet but came close on Valentine’s Day.I guess I’m just looking for sex advice and etiquette.I gave him oral on v day which was good with a bit of thrusting and a little hair pulling which I didn’t love but figure it’s normal from porn watching males.He asked me if I was ok after we finished.We hugged but I had to ask him for a kiss.We argued last week when I told him I want more effort to be made he complained work is getting to him and he’s stressed.I do feel a bit much making demands on him when we’re not officially bf girlfriend haven’t had sex and only started speaking in November. I’m just wondering should I’d have had sex v day to get it over with or am I right for waiting until we’ve had the talk of where things are going and are we exclusive.

Noooo this isn’t about sex. Is he putting effort in? Do you feel your emotional needs are being met? Also, I hope it wasn’t just him getting oral and you got something out of it to (if you wanted it) and in my eyes hair pulling is a bit too much so soon and that’s coming from someone into kink. Sex isn’t a way to get someone to commit more. Communication is key. Stress can make people back off but they need to have self awareness in this and communicate.

 

[unidentified]

I think you have answered your own question to be honest. As the above poster said, you don’t feel emotionally safe with your partner and you’ve questioned everything about your compatibility other than that lust.

What I do feel I need to highlight though is it isn’t a choice between one and the other. You’re not in a relationship with your best friend and it isn’t very healthy to flit from one relationship to another. You need to take the time out for you. Get to know yourself on your own again and if things are meant to be with your best friend it will progress that way but jumping from one to the other can often result in disaster and risking a long term friendship has the potential to go one way or another and with a potential breakup you don’t want to lose that. Also, does this friend feel the same way? Does he want a future with you?

 

[Beaversabout]

Don't know if this is the right thread. How do you get on with your life when someone's told you to do exactly that? I love this man and he does not love me like I love him, whys it so hard to move on when it's clear they are not the one? I don't want a man. I just love this one. It's been a hard situation-ship for a while. I've grown quite close and we have had good times but FFS why can't I just move on and be happy with myself. Nothing works! I go to the gym, I go to college and also have a potential job coming up. All I think about is this man. My brain is wired to only feel things deeply. This happened when I was with my ex who I thought I'd never ever get over and now I look back and think jeez what was I thinking. But until then how do you just stop thinking about this one that does not care anymore? It's so hard.

 

[unidentified]

He’s just ‘waiting’ for an investor

I think the poster is his investor sadly. You’re investing in paying for his lifestyle while he claims benefits. GET OUT! This guy is a user and in a way, financially abusing you.

 

[mashedbananapancakes]

Fellow Tattlers - I need your help. Buckle up as this might be a long one!

I am 35F and my partner 42M - we have been together since August 2019 and moved in together in March 2020.

Of course, when we met we were in a little bubble of lust and had a great time together, but after being together for a month or so, he made a comment about wanting a partner who was in shape and physically attractive. I am about 4 stone overweight and have yo-yo'd for most of my adult life. I want to get fit and healthy and agreed that I would make a conscious effort - but not just for him but for me too.

Skip forward to Spring 2021 and him walking out of his job. He didn't work for a few months and then got himself a WFH job which he stuck at for 6 months. In December 2021, he quit that job. I could see it was making him miserable and said that I could financially support us on my wage for a few months before things would be really difficult. We agreed he would use that time to find something else and all would be well.

During this time he basically spend his entire day gaming whilst I was out working. No housework, no cooking, no nothing done in the house - so when I got home from work, it was all on me.

He turned 40 in the summer of 2022 and he'd said a few times that he wanted a gaming PC (costing around £1500) and 'maybe a night or two away somewhere'. I couldn't afford a gaming PC (bearing in mind, we are getting by off my sole income) so I booked a few days away in the Peak District in a cute little cottage where I thought we could switch off and just have a nice few days. Well, this didn't go down well and when we got home he basically said I had ruined his 40th and I clearly didn't know him at all. Long story short - we argued and made up but he said he could never forgive me.

It's now January 2024 - he is still not working or contributing at all and I am having to lend him money to pay his bills. He has no drive, no motivation and we do not have what I would say is a 'relationship' but just two people living their lives under the same roof. I am miserable, we don't do anything together - he still spends all day gaming while I go out to work. He has constantly made comments about my weight and how I look for the duration of our relationship.

Last week, after me being in tears most nights he told me I 'needed to get my head checked' and I told him that my head is fine and that he is the problem. We talked, I told him I needed space. I stayed with a friend fir a few nights at the weekend - got absolutely blind drunk on Saturday and instead of going home to talk on Sunday, I stayed away. He got pretty shitty with me when I told him this and I also said I didn't think I was in love with him anymore.

When I got back on Monday, he'd text me saying sorry, he didn't realise how much things had taken a toll on me, he wanted to get back to the place we were in before and he hoped we could spend time together this week and talk. He said he'd be lost without me, he wants to be together and can't imagine not having me in his life and asked me to not give up on him.

We have talked and I now feel quilted to saying yes to giving him the chance to change things. I can't forget the things he said about my appearance (although now he says he'd rather have me exactly as I am than not at all - but he thinks both of us getting healthy together would change our relationship entirely). I feel sick at the thought of now telling him that I can't do it - he has been helping around the house for the last two days and we've been out for a few walks together. But I don't feel that I will ever be able to forget everything and be 100% in again and I don't know how long I can go along playing happy family.

My friends and family have begged me to end things and get out of the emotional abuse but I just don't know what to do next.

What would you tattlers do?

 

[littlepup]

I think the poster is his investor sadly. You’re investing in paying for his lifestyle while he claims benefits. GET OUT! This guy is a user and in a way, financially abusing you.

I agree, I wasn’t sure if financial abuse was too much but the more I think about it, the more it is.
He’s depriving her of her own assets while retaining/increasing his, pressuring her into financially supporting him. It’s narcissistic financial abuse.

 

[margaretta]

Hi, seeking advice as I don’t know what to do anymore. Been with my partner for a long time, he lost his job back in July, said he was going to start his own business, I supported him and said I would hold the fort for bills etc for the first few months. fast forward to now. He half heartedly tried, nothing came to fruition. He had told me for months he applies for jobs but 8 months down the line and he hasn’t even been for an interview so I’m really starting to doubt that. He hasn’t contributed towards bills, childcare food. I pay for everything, the small bit of UC he does receive is gone 3 days later and I haven’t seen any of it. Everytime I try to discuss it it ends up in an argument that he thinks I’m implying he’s a shit dad and I’d be better off without him. Truth is I really am starting to think I would be better off. Definitely financially anyway. We’re together but I’ve never felt so sad about our relationship and I just don’t know what to do to approach it.

I wonder whether he is suffering from depression. Losing a job when you have a family to support is a big issue for a man. He probably feels worthless and that no one wants him, particularly if he has always worked.
Please be careful about ending the relationship; it could send him over the edge to a point of no return.
Try some positive approaches - build him up and make him feel valued. Thank him for what he does contribute, however small.
Instead of bringing up the subject of money and him not working, ask him how he is feeling. Mention it must be tough.
If he is on UC via the job centre, they are likely to be bullying him into work too - likely into a job he will hate or isn’t skilled for.
Has he got friends he has isolated himself from? See if you can use his friends and any family to try and help.
But over all, however tough it is right now for you, he is probably having an even tougher time fighting his own demons.

 

[HasBeen]

Wondering if anyone can give me their 2cent, my boyfriend seems to have gone on a ‘follow every woman he’s ever encountered’ Instagram rampage and I’m a little confused on what to make of it and kind of creeped out by it. He follows every coworker who all seem to be younger girls with bikini profile pictures and likes their pictures (maybe I’m wrong but to me it’s kind of creepy for a 29 year old to be liking 20 year old interns holiday bikini photos/following them on social media in the first place) the latest one is the real estate lady we used whos personal page he follows, her business one is in the bio which he does not follow, she does not follow him but he likes all her revealing photos. I confronted him about it and he told me he didn’t think there was anything wrong with being friendly with co workers and people he’s encountered and being friendly, it just doesn’t seem to be sitting right with me as there are only a handful of guys he follows and hundreds of girls, and the majority don’t even follow him back.
May be making a big deal of nothing is this a huge red flag to anyone else perspective is needed if possible!

Massive Red Flag
The Fact That You find this wrong shows Your worth more than the lack of respect he gives you, not only by his actions but by the gaslighting of them when you questioned them
Your Worth More
Me, I would be Telling ( calmly but firmly) not Asking him to step up to the Bar and if he didn’t/ wouldn’t Out
I wish you well, I wish you all you wish for yourself
Your happiness is your own and your worth more
Don’t let anyone Dull your Sparkle