Relationship advice

[Thelakes]

I'm in a relationship with a guy and his best friend is having a leaving do party this month. I said I didn't really want to go as I'm not friends with any of the people going and I'm an awkward introvert so I definitely won't enjoy myself. But I said I'll go if it makes him happy and he was OK with that.

Now I've got a wedding invite for a close friend happening in March and his hobby potentially will clash with the date, so he basically said put him down as a maybe. Implying he'd prefer to do something he likes than be my +1 which I'm quite annoyed about. The leaving party for his friend is this month and the wedding a couple of months. So would it be very petty of me to say I'm not going to his friends party anymore i get the impression he expects me to show up for him and he won't do the same for me??

 

[JSK90]

I have been with my partner for 2.5 years and we are engaged but things have really taken a downward turn the past 10 months or so. It all started because we used to talk about children and marriage and it was something that we were very much on the same page about but then I noticed his responses in terms of children were giving me an inkling that he suddenly wasn't so keen. He already has a child from a previous relationship and I always said I would never date someone with children already but hey how here I am.

Eventually, he started saying things like "I want children BUT I need to achieve xyz" and then it moved onto "I don't know if I can promise you that we will have children". I felt like my world was falling apart because this is a big thing that I want. I would be over the moon with just one child but the more I have tried to discuss it, the more closed off he gets.

We started having arguments about stupid things... chores mainly and some issues where he said I was jealous of his mum because I was upset I wasn't invited on a family holiday last summer. My mood started to dip. We kept discussing marriage (we are having an Islamic wedding) and it kept getting pushed back and back and excuses like "I don't want you to feel trapped in a marriage if I decide I don't want children". As the arguments got more and more, he moved out. This happened about 8 months ago and it floored me. I have struggled to adapt to living separately and trying to adjust to a new style of relationship. I have become very depressed and angry and upset a lot of the time. Whenever I try and discuss that all these events that have happened have triggered my mental health decline, he gets defensive and says I am blaming him for my mental health and it is not fair to him and that I am responsible for my own happiness and it is too much pressure for me to put my happiness on him.

Lately, I have really been trying to soul search and wonder if this relationship is right for me. I love him dearly, but he just seems like he is closing off from me and unable to support me or understand even WHY I have declined in my wellbeing so much. He always says to be positive and that we have beautiful things to look forward to together, but if I don't know if we are headed for children in the future I don't know if I want to continue in this potentially dead end relationship. I tried to break up with him the day before nye because of the whole children thing but we were both very upset and he said if I have been feeling unwell mentally them I should not make any rash decisions and I should take time to think about it.

I have no doubt that he loves me, but I just don't think he loves me enough. And what is worse is that him saying he doesn't know if he wants children is making me resent his child.

We had another discussion about children last week and he said how can we be talking about children when the relationship is in the state it is in. He has a fear of having another child in a broken home and I think that is a big factor for his withdrawal. I said I understood what he was saying about our relationship not being stable enough to think about children now but for me the uncertainty was one of the reasons we had now come to this point!

I just don't know what to do. I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of not meeting the right person. I was single for 4 years after an abusive relationship before I got into this one. I'm 33 this year. I have endometriosis and polycystic ovaries. Time and health is not on my side. I am so confused. I just started taking anti depressants to try and give me a clearer headspace to deal with what is going on. I haven't felt this down in a long time and I don't feel like I should feel this way in a relationship that is supposed to fulfil me.

Why is he so ambiguous and contradictory. One minute he wants children then the next he doesn't know if he does. On the day before nye when I tried to end it, it was because he specifically said for the first time "I don't want children". Now since we have spoken again he is saying if our relationship heals and gets into a place where we are strong and have shared values of how to raise a child together then he doesn't see why that cannot manifest for us. I am just so tired of being in my head all the time about this and I go from feeling like I am strong enough to break it off and start a fresh and then I feel weak again and like I don't want to live my life without him. I am just so confused.

 

[tomato_paste]

last night we had an incredible chat for hours and it feels so right.

Sound like the chat is the only thing that feels right? You haven't seen each other and he keeps pulling out right?

I would definitely stop messaging him first and go cold towards him. But even if that stirs him into action, would you really want a partner that is showing up for you only when there's a threat of you pulling away? Sounds exhausting to be honest.

Chatting is easy. Very, very easy.

 

[PersonalityMaven]

yeah that’s quite accurate tbh!

Ok, cool. That would mean that the kind of connection that you really want is not based in physicality or even in mental connection. It is based on how you and the other person feel about the universe. That may sound weird, but it explains how you can feel so attracted to someone while feeling unsafe.

I'm going to guess that your bf has the vibe of a wounded soldier that attracts you to him in that way that feels like a magnet pulling you in. I think that the reason you do not feel that chemistry with your rf (real friend) is that he processes life at a practical level, and does not live in the subtle/complex emotional zone that is such an integral part of your being. Honestly, I don't think chemistry for you is about physical attraction. As weird as this may sound, I think it's about sharing a sense of the world as an unsafe place. If this is the case, it is possible that your rf has that in himself too, but just has not shown it to you (which could be for healthy reasons). And that would mean there is potential for love there. Or, his personality may just not have that at all. If you want to say how you think he would answer the two questions (pasted again below with an edit so use this version) then I can share thoughts on him.

Which of these events would you attend (if you had to pick one)?
A. A rally to help bring communities together
B. Art/science fair
C. Party

Which of these would be the best job perk for you?
A. Something new happens every day
B. You get to challenge the team
C. You work with lots of successful people

 

[MaryX82]

Noooo this isn’t about sex. Is he putting effort in? Do you feel your emotional needs are being met? Also, I hope it wasn’t just him getting oral and you got something out of it to (if you wanted it) and in my eyes hair pulling is a bit too much so soon and that’s coming from someone into kink. Sex isn’t a way to get someone to commit more. Communication is key. Stress can make people back off but they need to have self awareness in this and communicate.

Thanks so before he was making a lot more effort messaging calls planning meals out he claims work has made it difficult 14hr shifts.He has always complained about work so I figured this could be true.He did give me a lot of attention vday but I didn’t feel ready.So with the hair pulling I’ve never had it happen so maybe it was more of a grab of the ponytail once which I can tell I don’t really like.So it won’t be happening.Your right we both need to communicate better with each other me my wants and likes and him 100%finding that self awareness.

 

[PersonalityMaven]

I'd like to confirm what I think about your personality so tell me if this sounds right... (And if not, that's ok)

You have always been (since you were a young child) very intuitive and sensitive to people's vibes. You learned early on that most people are not able to understand you, and that you need to be careful what you reveal about your thoughts and feelings. As a result, you have developed the ability to be emotionally self sufficient and to 'fake it till you make it' when stuck in social situations that do not feel completely safe.

 

[LittleRoots]

I made a post before and got so many helpful and lovely comments the community here is so nice! I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this subject so thought I’d maybe try and see if anyone has any thoughts.

I’ve been with my partner for a few years now, things are starting to move forwards and are looking at houses/moving in very soon. I guess I’m having a bit of cold feet and am unsure if I’m with the right person. I love him and he has my heart, but going forwards I’m just not sure. We don’t have much in common, I am not entirely sure what we will do together all the time, things will always be a struggle financially, I don’t trust him 100% as in if he goes out for a night or something I do feel anxious and don’t have trust in him after a few mistakes he has made previously in our relationship. It feels like a bit of a gamble like it could go well, but I also see it potentially ending in disaster. He is not the most mature person at his age (28)

I have a friend, who I’ve known and been best friends with for a good 10+ years. I was his first love and although I didn’t feel the same we remained very close and I’m starting to possibly catch feelings for him. (There is 0 cheating going on I’m not acting upon anything at all and have told my partner I am having doubts and he knows all) I can’t help but think my life with him would be better, I know without a doubt he would stay loyal and be the most amazing father, we have a lot more in common and I don’t feel anxious about living with him at all I know we’d fit together from diet/tidiness/decorating style/lifestyle all the little things I don’t have in common with my partner that worry’s me. (I’m a country outdoors farmy person like him, whereas my partner is more a city boy to put it simply which is completely fine just worry we have different dreams and one of us will have to sacrifice and not get what we want)

when I look into the future, in all honesty I feel so much more confident/sure of the future I would have with my best friend. Although there isn’t that sparks flying romance I have with my partner, there is more trust, I feel he may know and understand me and my needs and wants more than my partners, we have spent so long building the bond we have I feel it’s unbreakable, and honestly I do spend more time with him than my partner due to us having similar hobbies, and I know without a doubt I can make him happy- With my partner, I just don’t know. I do have doubts I will be all he wants and that he’ll stay forever I do worry about being enough for him, there is a lot of worries! But at the same time, I’ve always felt a spark with him, I just don’t know if that’s enough.

As much as I hate to be that girl, I love them both. In completely different ways, and I don’t know who I should be with. I’ve always been happy alone and know what I want, but this I just can’t figure out.

If anyone has some friendly advice would be much appreciated, I do want to stress there’s 0 cheating emotional or physical both parties know the situation, I am trying to do best by everyone but it is a tricky subject and is very hard to talk and ask for advice without getting judged too much

 

[LittleRoots]

Completely agree with this. I’d have some time alone from them both, get to know yourself and what you 100% want and go from there. There could be someone even better for you out there that you haven’t met yet.

if you were my friend I’d be advising that whatever you do - do not move in or buy a house with your current bf. Whatever the situation is with your best mate, it sounds as though there is some form of emotional cheating going on. You’ve thought about what your life would be with him, what kind of father he’d be etc. If my boyfriend was thinking about this with another girl, we’d be long gone.

yeah it’s hard, I feel awful and would of left me in his shoes I’m trying my hardest not to hurt anyone and do the right thing but I just don’t think that’s possible. I’ve always known exactly what I want and have been clear to my bf from day one what I want and he’s always given me the impression he wants exactly the same, but now that it’s getting real he’s started telling me things like he was just trying to impress me and he actually wants this and that and changing his mind on a lot of things, I feel that’s maybe contributing to the issues as it now feels I don’t really know him and what he wants. In all honesty I don’t really think he knows what he wants.

 

[Thelakes]

Yes it would be petty. Point out that you are compromising for his sake but don’t make it a situation where you use it to bargain, it’ll make it even more awkward if you do go when the time comes.
I would explain how you feel, use his party as an example of how he may feel. Do you not mix socially if you don’t know his best friend and he wouldn’t want to be there for your close friend? Do you not live together/it’s not long term as in the invite is for you and +1 rather than to you both?
I’d also explain that you can’t ‘maybe’ a wedding invite, they have to budget for every guest, create seating plans etc.

You are right about it being petty lol, i dont particularly like his group + best friend. I've spent plenty of time with them and we just don't click. Thanks, I did say I'll put him down as a No due to planning that wedding involves and I wouldn't want someone else to potentially lose a place! We've been seeing each other for 6 months or so and I've met all of his friends, been to parties etc, spent new years with them and he hasn't met mine yet. So the wedding would have been a good opportunity. So he would only come basically if it doesn't clash with something else he'd rather be doing which he hasn't got a date for but it will be the same month as the wedding

 

[oli]

Hi, I have never posted anything before but I feel like I can’t speak to anyone in my life about this and just need some advice

I have been with my boyfriend 2 years in August and I am currently 6 months pregnant (not planned but very happy about it now) we live together and were genuinely so happy and he has never once gave me a reason not to trust him and I do genuinely believe he has not cheated on me since we have been ‘official’ however, I found out he slept with someone he used to talk too on a night out in the June before we were ‘official’ during this time we were seeing each other multiple times a week, if not more he stayed at my house multiple times a week, had met each others friends and family etc but I had just got out of a long term relationship and didn’t want to rush into the relationship even though I wasn’t speaking / sleeping with anyone else and I thought he wasn’t either.

I now cannot stop thinking about this and how he has hid this from me since then and the next day pretended nothing has happened when he came home. I feel like I can’t break up over this because it was before we were officially together but still feels like a massive betrayal of trust and I cannot stop thinking about, pregnant hormones also aren’t helping!
Any advice welcome please

 

[HitchhikingGhost]

Hi, I need some advice on this which is also partly my fault I guess for looking:

I saw my bf posting more on another forum. Mostly harmless stuff but then I saw he replied to a question from someone about relationship issues. We have had some bedroom issues and he replied saying he was unhappy with ours and and he might have to 'make a choice'. I assume on our relationship.

This issue has been brought up before so it's not news to me and he has been mentioning it recently so I decided to call him out but not mentioning I saw the posts. Just went down the, do you want to talk about X route as you have been referencing it.

He replied and we had a normal conversation but then I went back and saw he deleted the comments. He doesn't 100% know that i know his forum name but he must have felt seen to delete them. He didn't mention it either.

Anyway, my issue is that do I reference I saw them? I'm concerned that he discussed such drastic action to a stranger but then when we discussed it he didn't mention it being as serious and had quite the opposite approach about wanting to work through it . I'm annoyed at myself for looking as feel like im in a catch 22.
Any advice welcome but just wanted to get it off my chest. Thanks

 

[happylife32]

I’m in a similar predicament to OP. But I’m not ready to share full details really.
How do people know their partner is ‘the one’?
And is it possible that the one provides both excitement/passion/security/worships the ground you walk on/respects you and provides the love and care you require? Or do you just settle for some of these things? I’m in my early thirties and I have a tendency to rush into a relationship and I’m quite needy. As settled as I feel, something is niggling in the back of my brain.

 

[LittleRoots]

I think it's important to separate the decision about your bf from the decision about your real friend. It seems clear that the relationship with your bf is not what you need/want. The question I think you are really trying to answer is if you could ever feel happy in a romantic relationship with your real friend.

Here's where pinpointing your particular personality can be very helpful. For some personalities it is possible to fall in love without lust. For others, it is not really possible. To get an idea of your personality type, I would ask these two questions...
Which of these events would you attend (if you had to pick one)?
A. Support group
B. Art/science fair
C. Party

Which of these would be the best job perk for you?
A. Something new happens every day
B. You get to challenge the team
C. You work with lots of successful people

Of course you don't have to answer these. But if you do, I can say what I think that means about your question.

B, defiantly quite arty
A, possibly. I am self employed as an artist/illustrator which I love as am introverted haha!

 

[LittleRoots]

Responding to your relationship advice question which I'm hearing as a chemistry versus compatibility question. Just joined this website hoping to find people who share my interest in understanding personality (and would enjoy talking about celebrity personalities.) But your question caught my eye so thought I'd respond.

I think most people would agree that trusting your intuition is the most important thing. And reading your post it seems clear what your intuition is telling you. It sounds like you are having lots of "uh-oh" feelings about your boyfriend. But you also are very aware that listening to those feelings comes at a price which is losing a relationship that has spark.

First of all it's really important to remember that everyone is different and the choice that is best for someone else may not be the choice that is best for you. The exception to that is when it's a matter of physical or emotional safety. It sounds like you do not feel emotionally safe with your boyfriend. If that's true, no one with your best interest at heart would recommend staying with him. But if I am misinterpreting what you said then that may not apply in your case.

In a perfect world, you would find a partner with whom you shared emotional safety and a spark. But we do not live in a perfect world. So the question is if we can be truly happy in a relationship that is emotionally safe but does not have that spark or chemistry? Or if we should choose that relationship even if we would not be truly happy but might be content?

The way I look at it, that's where personality comes in. Different personalities process those choices in different ways. And depending on our personality, our identity and sense of self is influenced differently by the consequences of those choices.

I would be happy to share more specific thoughts about personality if you are interested.

yea that would be great if possible defiantly a lot of good advice given there defiantly does seem to be a truth in your response think you hit the nail on the head

 

[NewOlive]

there’s defiantly passion their for him, when I think of the future I can’t imagine it without him, I think of him constantly we haven’t stopped talking daily in over 10 years, it’s just letting go of my relationship which I’m thinking as fun as it was it maybe isn’t the grown up forever relationship I need. That perhaps I need to cherish the time I spent with him and move on to the next stage in my life. I have a feeling when I get over my current bf and some time has passed, my friend might be the one, that’s what my instinct seems to be telling me, it’s just a little scary.

Do you think about him regularly? Do you imagine yourself with him? Do you have fun together? Go get your man!

Do you think about him regularly? Do you imagine yourself with him? Do you have fun together? Go get your man!

Also, how long have you thought you might have feelings for them?

 

[AFlyOnYourWall]

@Mr Paul Barry John Allen there you go luv. Pour your heart out on here and we’ll listen to you

 

[LittleRoots]

I think you should leave your partner, sounds like he's not for you, nothing deep but it sounds like you are settling. Doesn't sound like you are in love with your best mate either, I was lucky enough to have a best friend who I fell in love with and 5 year on we are in the best, most comfortable place possible. But if you don't have the passion for him, don't waste either of your time! You can find someone perfect

there’s defiantly passion their for him, when I think of the future I can’t imagine it without him, I think of him constantly we haven’t stopped talking daily in over 10 years, it’s just letting go of my relationship which I’m thinking as fun as it was it maybe isn’t the grown up forever relationship I need. That perhaps I need to cherish the time I spent with him and move on to the next stage in my life. I have a feeling when I get over my current bf and some time has passed, my friend might be the one, that’s what my instinct seems to be telling me, it’s just a little scary.

 

[UndrTheCosh]

Spoiler: Slightly NSFW(!)

Has anyone’s partner ever suggested spicing things up in the bedroom with a bit of ‘back door’ action if you get my drift?

Were you offended, or prepared to give it a go?

 

[LittleRoots]

I'd like to confirm what I think about your personality so tell me if this sounds right... (And if not, that's ok)

You have always been (since you were a young child) very intuitive and sensitive to people's vibes. You learned early on that most people are not able to understand you, and that you need to be careful what you reveal about your thoughts and feelings. As a result, you have developed the ability to be emotionally self sufficient and to 'fake it till you make it' when stuck in social situations that do not feel completely safe.

yeah that’s quite accurate tbh!

 

[NewOlive]

I made a post before and got so many helpful and lovely comments the community here is so nice! I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this subject so thought I’d maybe try and see if anyone has any thoughts.

I’ve been with my partner for a few years now, things are starting to move forwards and are looking at houses/moving in very soon. I guess I’m having a bit of cold feet and am unsure if I’m with the right person. I love him and he has my heart, but going forwards I’m just not sure. We don’t have much in common, I am not entirely sure what we will do together all the time, things will always be a struggle financially, I don’t trust him 100% as in if he goes out for a night or something I do feel anxious and don’t have trust in him after a few mistakes he has made previously in our relationship. It feels like a bit of a gamble like it could go well, but I also see it potentially ending in disaster. He is not the most mature person at his age (28)

I have a friend, who I’ve known and been best friends with for a good 10+ years. I was his first love and although I didn’t feel the same we remained very close and I’m starting to possibly catch feelings for him. (There is 0 cheating going on I’m not acting upon anything at all and have told my partner I am having doubts and he knows all) I can’t help but think my life with him would be better, I know without a doubt he would stay loyal and be the most amazing father, we have a lot more in common and I don’t feel anxious about living with him at all I know we’d fit together from diet/tidiness/decorating style/lifestyle all the little things I don’t have in common with my partner that worry’s me. (I’m a country outdoors farmy person like him, whereas my partner is more a city boy to put it simply which is completely fine just worry we have different dreams and one of us will have to sacrifice and not get what we want)

when I look into the future, in all honesty I feel so much more confident/sure of the future I would have with my best friend. Although there isn’t that sparks flying romance I have with my partner, there is more trust, I feel he may know and understand me and my needs and wants more than my partners, we have spent so long building the bond we have I feel it’s unbreakable, and honestly I do spend more time with him than my partner due to us having similar hobbies, and I know without a doubt I can make him happy- With my partner, I just don’t know. I do have doubts I will be all he wants and that he’ll stay forever I do worry about being enough for him, there is a lot of worries! But at the same time, I’ve always felt a spark with him, I just don’t know if that’s enough.

As much as I hate to be that girl, I love them both. In completely different ways, and I don’t know who I should be with. I’ve always been happy alone and know what I want, but this I just can’t figure out.

If anyone has some friendly advice would be much appreciated, I do want to stress there’s 0 cheating emotional or physical both parties know the situation, I am trying to do best by everyone but it is a tricky subject and is very hard to talk and ask for advice without getting judged too much

Any update