Relationship advice

[JSK90]

Two things I would ask yourself questions around



.



Does he make you unhappy more than he makes you happy? When was the last time he truly made you feel happy? You can be valued, supported, loved but not happy.

Can you live without children because he doesn’t want them? What if you needed fertility treatment, would he be the person you could do that journey with? How far would he be prepared to go if you needed help, could you support him and him you in that?

If you split up and you never went on to have children would you think the split was a mistake or would you still be happy it was the correct decision? Is he the person you want by your side of the path to children doesn’t run smoothly because of not you’ll only build more resentments and feel more invested so it’s harder to walk away from.

To me it sounds as though the relationship is broken and despite trying hard to fix it, something isn’t working. I promise you that you can be alone and you can learn to live without him. Also that if you break up and you’re truly meant to be together you will find each other again in the future, but you need to be happy in yourself first. To stop needing him and just want him. Being alone is much better than being with someone and feeling alone anyway because they don’t live you the way you need to be loved. Never stay in a relationship because it’s better than being alone because that’s settling and you owe yourself more than that in life. You can love someone without being right for each other in a relationship.

I agree with the other poster, cut off contact for 30 days minimum. You can’t look forward or even see a clear path if you’re constantly being pulled backwards.

Thank you for the advice both, I know the relationship is going backwards and it really has caused me lots of stress and emotional turmoil.

Right now, I am almost always unhappy with him because he is just not treating me how I deserve to be treated.

I don't want to choose to sacrifice my desire to have children for him and I don't see why I should. He certainly isn't so great and isn't showing me that he is worthy of even considering doing that for. If I couldn't conceive, I wouldn't want to go down the route of ivf etc.. I would just accept that children was not meant for me.

If we split and I ended up having no children, I would definitely think that all this would have been for nothing. All this drama.. I would regret the decision to split if I never had children. And even more so if I ever found out that HE had gone on to have more children with someone else.

He said last night I just need to accept all these changes and "lower my expectations". Excuse me, no I do not need to lower my expectations for anyone, rather I should find someone who lives up to them and actually follows through with what they say they want to achieve with me, instead of a little boy who backs out and squirms his way out of things.

Every day, I feel like I am seeing more light. I just need a little bit more of a push and I will leave him.

 

[ack13]

Hey! Just looking for some advice so any thoughts would be really appreciated

I live with my partner in a flat he owns outright with no mortgage. In terms of how I contribute, I pay for all food, I pay for holidays, I pay him around £200/month for utilities, plus half of the building’s service charge (£150 a month), and I make a point of picking up the bill for things like dinners or coffees more than him, but my issue is recently he has said that I should be paying for the full service charge moving forward.

He thinks this is fair because I used to spend way more on living costs when I was renting, however something about this arrangement isn’t sitting right with me and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not.

The reason he cannot afford to pay his half now is because for the last few years he's been on universal credit while he’s waiting for an investor to kick start his business, and in the meantime all his savings and any cash he has goes into crypto and NFTs, so he doesn't actually have any real-world money but he does have considerable assets, whereas I have a regular wage but zero assets.

I personally don't mind if that's how he wants to spend his life even though that’s not how I would choose to live, however now that he expects me to pay more bills than he does I don’t think it’s fair I pay for his unorthodox lifestyle choice. While my money would be going out the door every month for bills, his money is all going into growing more assets for himself which obviously I wouldn’t get any benefit from.

It also feels like an uncomfortable power dynamic, because for example if I lost my job, I would go and do bar work until I had a better paying job again so as not to impact him financially, and also if I wasn’t with him because I don't own any property I wouldn't have the option of being able to live on as little income as he does as I'd need to find the money for rent.

To add to this, I actually don’t mind chipping in extra to help support him for longer, if he understands that once he’s got a similar income to myself I would expect to half bills again. It’s just that he seems to feel like because I’m saving money vs renting then I should just be grateful I guess?

For some context about me, I earn around £50k before tax, and around a quarter of my pay goes on care for my grandma. This also sounds very ungrateful, but I also wouldn’t have chosen to have lived in this area of london if I was renting, and most of the space contains his things so I don’t feel the space is shared 50/50 either - perhaps more like 70/30.

Please tell me if you think I’m being an asshole - I definitely don’t think I should be living for free and I am grateful to not be paying rent, it’s just that if the tables were turned I wouldn’t expect my life partner to be contributing more than me in bills.

Edit: I also forgot to mention, he's also asking that I can backdate payments of this service charge for the whole time we've lived together (around 3 years). This comes to around £3000 which is money I physically don't have and would take me a while to save up

I own my house outright with no mortgage and have done long before I met my now husband. He was renting when we met so it made sense that he move in with me.

We split all bills 50/50. Holidays/activities are 50/50. I do pay for any repairs, thankfully haven’t had many because as my husband rightly said, if we split up he will have put money into a home he doesn’t own which I understand.

Sounds like he’s being very very unreasonable.

 

[littlepup]

Personally this is not only a massive red flag but also a massive ick. It’s disrespectful and frankly embarrassing when men do this. I might be being a bit too black and white in my thinking but aa far as I see it any man doing this is essentially letting all these women know that he finds them attractive and would sleep with them if he could.

100% agree, there's no need to follow or like in a professional environment particularly.
What's he hoping to achieve? What's he going to say if they message and say 'I see you liked my picture', I'd guess it wouldn't be "yeah I really appreciated the photo composition". You can like celebrities if you want an innocent perv, people you know is a massive no-no.

How long have you been together? Does he 'like' your pictures?

 

[Tommyb]

Spoiler: Slightly NSFW(!)

Has anyone’s partner ever suggested spicing things up in the bedroom with a bit of ‘back door’ action if you get my drift?

Were you offended, or prepared to give it a go?

If you don't want to do it then dont. Tell him you will when he does

 

[Mr Paul Barry John Allen]

What a bastard. Honestly he’s not worth it. If this is how he’s making you feel before you’ve even officially started dating, imagine the hurt he could potentially cause you if it progressed to a relationship. You’re worth so much more than that I would take a step back, and no matter how tempted you are, don’t chase him or be the first to reach out and message

Yup, I don't get it because he kept me up mainly all last night going on about how excited he was to come hang out etc, let me get a shower etc for him to be all yeah I'm too hungover and can't be fucked.

Lit asked him what he wants from this and no response lol, I've blocked him for my own sanity, but it's just so unfair because I know I done nothing wrong

 

[gummy-bear]

I think you have answered your own question to be honest. As the above poster said, you don’t feel emotionally safe with your partner and you’ve questioned everything about your compatibility other than that lust.

What I do feel I need to highlight though is it isn’t a choice between one and the other. You’re not in a relationship with your best friend and it isn’t very healthy to flit from one relationship to another. You need to take the time out for you. Get to know yourself on your own again and if things are meant to be with your best friend it will progress that way but jumping from one to the other can often result in disaster and risking a long term friendship has the potential to go one way or another and with a potential breakup you don’t want to lose that. Also, does this friend feel the same way? Does he want a future with you?

Completely agree with this. I’d have some time alone from them both, get to know yourself and what you 100% want and go from there. There could be someone even better for you out there that you haven’t met yet.

if you were my friend I’d be advising that whatever you do - do not move in or buy a house with your current bf. Whatever the situation is with your best mate, it sounds as though there is some form of emotional cheating going on. You’ve thought about what your life would be with him, what kind of father he’d be etc. If my boyfriend was thinking about this with another girl, we’d be long gone.

 

[LittleRoots]

Thank you all confirming what I think as I agree with it all he’s not usually active on social media (like myself) the rare times I do post something he’ll like it a few days week later as he was never online but now it’s constantly online and is posting things himself which he says is just for work people/work jokes despite having the same job for years and it’s only been recently since he got new interns to train. I’m 99% out the door at this point I can’t be bothered with his immaturity been together over 5 years keep waiting for him to mature but never happens
---
I’m pretty sure he is not cheating as from what I can see it all seems one sided from him but I think that might be just as bad

 

[CrazyGiraffeLady]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my enormous post and for your kind replies.

I think the more I talk about it, the more I know in my mind that I need to end it for good.

Now just need to pluck up the courage to say it out loud

You have all of us supporting you and cheering you on

 

[AFlyOnYourWall]

I'm new to this thread but I need some help
I haven't seen this guy in like 5 years and he's been out of a relationship the last 6 months.
He messaged me with the usual, oh I just want to be friends, but it's escalated so quickly.
But the problem, we've tried to meet up a few times and it's the usual balls, oh I'm nervous etc.
I'm so so torn, last night we had an incredible chat for hours and it feels so right.

But I don't know what to do, do I make him make an effort? It's always me messaging and I don't want to seem desperate

First deep feelings I've had for someone in such a long time and I'm not sure what I should do.

Should I give him an ultimatum? If so, I've no idea what, I just don't want my feelings hurt lol men are so complicated

Tagging you @AFlyOnYourWall because I wished I could update you personally

Let him do all the chasing. You’re worth more than that. If he wants you, he’ll come and get you. Don’t risk getting your feelings heart unless you know he’s definitely interested. If it’s any consolation, I shaved my lady bits and bum hole in preparation for seeing Mr Lova Lova tonight, and he cancelled on me because he’s got the shits. Happy Wednesday

 

[UndrTheCosh]

If you don't want to do it then dont. Tell him you will when he does

Knowing the dirty bugger he’d probably be well up for it!

Thanks both for the advice

 

[AFlyOnYourWall]

Yup, I don't get it because he kept me up mainly all last night going on about how excited he was to come hang out etc, let me get a shower etc for him to be all yeah I'm too hungover and can't be fucked.

Lit asked him what he wants from this and no response lol, I've blocked him for my own sanity, but it's just so unfair because I know I done nothing wrong

Men are the worst. Try not to dwell on it. He’s shown you early on what a dick he is. What age is he?

 

[JSK90]

I've been in an on again, off again, dysfunctional relationship for a while now. I've posted about it before. I suppose at this moment in time, I'm just looking for some validation that I'm not wrong about what just happened. In brief, together for fully 3 years and engaged and on/off for the past 1 year. I left him in January this year for what I hoped was for good but ended up taking him back after 6 weeks which is the longest separation period. Usually its only around 2 weeks maximum. It was his birthday yesterday and he said he was going to his mums from about 2pm until 6pm and he would come to mine after. He ended up staying up until about 6am so he got up late and said it had a knock on effect for going to his mums so he would be at mine for about 8pm. I felt a bit like I'm not waiting around for him to rock up to mine after having a birthday meal with his mum and his child like I'm some spare part. I felt upset at not being invited to his mums. She knows we are back together.
He said it wasn't his mums idea and that he had asked her to do it. He had also said a couple of days before that he didn't even want to go.
I said to him 8pm was a bit late really and I knew this would happen. He said "but I need to go and pick them up." I said who is them? So he said his daughter. But to me that indicated he had just fucked up and actually he was going out for a meal with his mum and his child and probably his mums partner as well.... and I'm not invited. So I said to him to have a nice day and I went home and I cried in the car on my way home.
He messaged me and said he won't come to mine afterwards if it makes me feel a way.
Then today I messaged him and I asked him why wasn't I invited to spend his bday with his family because he is always telling me I am his family but his actions always say otherwise. He said because he wanted to spend time just with his child. Which doesn't really make sense because he was spending the day with his mum and his child and maybe even his mums partner?? I said I found it hurtful and rude and exclusionary. He went off on one saying its his birthday and I can't pick and choose when I want to spend time with him and we had been together the past 3 days already. He said he doesn't want to hear anything from me unless it's an apology or accountability of why I feel entitled to ruin his special occasion and he said the way I have reacted is not acceptable.

I don't think I'm out of line to be upset and feel excluded and feel like my partner should want to spend his birthday with me and his family and not just want to wake up with me and then fuck me off to go and have a nice dinner and then come back to mine at night and probably expect me to have sex with him. Am I being unreasonable or am I crazy or what???

I've told him to fuck off anyway - I'm sick of wasting my life being on the periphery of his. I just feel like that is so hurtful and for him to not recognise that is like wow.

In our 4 years, he has only met my dad once and has had no interest in being involved with my family but even so, not a single family/birthday/fathers day dinner has gone by in those 4 years where my dad has not invited him. I used to think my family was a bit rubbish and was looking for a safe haven in his, but looking back with hindsight now, I think my family is much kinder and more considerate than his.

 

[rasberry spoons]

Hi, seeking advice as I don’t know what to do anymore. Been with my partner for a long time, he lost his job back in July, said he was going to start his own business, I supported him and said I would hold the fort for bills etc for the first few months. fast forward to now. He half heartedly tried, nothing came to fruition. He had told me for months he applies for jobs but 8 months down the line and he hasn’t even been for an interview so I’m really starting to doubt that. He hasn’t contributed towards bills, childcare food. I pay for everything, the small bit of UC he does receive is gone 3 days later and I haven’t seen any of it. Everytime I try to discuss it it ends up in an argument that he thinks I’m implying he’s a shit dad and I’d be better off without him. Truth is I really am starting to think I would be better off. Definitely financially anyway. We’re together but I’ve never felt so sad about our relationship and I just don’t know what to do to approach it.

 

[Aberscot]

thank you!

He has been so supportive throughout my pregnancy and he really does treat me so well and I would never have expected this I think that’s why I feel so hurt.

i found out when a picture popped up on his phone from 2 years ago and she was in the background and he had never mentioned her being there before and I had a weird feeling about it so I asked and he told me said he couldn’t lie to me about it so was honest.

Thanks for you’re advice and I feel like deep down I know that’s what I need to do but it’s just so hard right now to see past that and concentrate on the now and not the past.

Least he was honest he could have not told you..
Try concentrate on your pregnancy and enjoy time together before babe arrives.
You probably will never forget it but in time hopefully live with it and move on.

 

[plonkington]

I'm new to this thread but I need some help
I haven't seen this guy in like 5 years and he's been out of a relationship the last 6 months.
He messaged me with the usual, oh I just want to be friends, but it's escalated so quickly.
But the problem, we've tried to meet up a few times and it's the usual balls, oh I'm nervous etc.
I'm so so torn, last night we had an incredible chat for hours and it feels so right.

But I don't know what to do, do I make him make an effort? It's always me messaging and I don't want to seem desperate

First deep feelings I've had for someone in such a long time and I'm not sure what I should do.

Should I give him an ultimatum? If so, I've no idea what, I just don't want my feelings hurt lol men are so complicated

Tagging you @AFlyOnYourWall because I wished I could update you personally

So if I’ve read it right he’s the one cancelling on you?
sounds as though he’s just not into you that way, you’re a good friend/time filler until the next one comes along. I wouldn’t waste your time hanging on to the thought of what could be. No harm in continuing your conversations as long as you’re able to leave it at that. Good luck!

 

[LittleRoots]

He’s probably not cheating but he’s putting the feelers out to see if anyone bites. Cringe. And it definitely sounds like this has been triggered by an influx of young interns - midlife crisis lol. I think it sounds like you know what you’ve got to do. Dump him before he lines up a replacement and leaves which is probably what he’s subconsciously doing. What a dick.

this is very true tbh, one dumb reason I’ve stayed is because I know if we break up hed date someone a lot younger and I’d feel like crap about myself which is silly

 

[UndrTheCosh]

Hmm. Part of me thinks; well, he made it clear years ago he doesn’t want kids. Then on the flip side, he’s prepared to sling one up you unprotected.

Sounds like he needs an ultimatum - properly try for children or you leave.
---

Thank you all confirming what I think as I agree with it all he’s not usually active on social media (like myself) the rare times I do post something he’ll like it a few days week later as he was never online but now it’s constantly online and is posting things himself which he says is just for work people/work jokes despite having the same job for years and it’s only been recently since he got new interns to train. I’m 99% out the door at this point I can’t be bothered with his immaturity been together over 5 years keep waiting for him to mature but never happens
---
I’m pretty sure he is not cheating as from what I can see it all seems one sided from him but I think that might be just as bad

The fact you need to stalk his activity tells you all you need to know about the relationship.

He’s no doubt knocking one out on the regular looking at photos of his colleagues.

Leave him, girly

 

[JSK90]

I appreciate all the replies. Things took a turn for the worse this morning. We still had each others keys and I had a pair of his trainers and he had a pair of my shoes that I wouldn't be bothered about but I wanted them back because they are chanel. I went to swap the shoes and the keys but he wouldn't give my key back because he said he was going to get his xbox out of my house first. I'd already handed over his key. He tried to shut the door in my face so I put my foot in the door and asked for my key again and he shoved me into the railing. So by this time I'm crying and he shut the door and I'm still asking for my key back and I knocked on the door again and he came and shoved me into the railing again. I had a work appt so I went to the appt and when I came back he had been in my house and he knows my password is the same for everything so he must have downloaded the security system app and logged in and deleted the footage of him in my house and he did put the front door key through the letterbox but he either stole or hid my back door key so I've had to change the lock. He can't copy my front door key because it's a security key. I've blocked him on everything. Perhaps I did overreact about not being able to go to his birthday dinner but it's constant hurt over the same things so it really made me feel like nothing to him.

 

[TheSlayer]

[/QUOTE]
He said last night I just need to accept all these changes and "lower my expectations".
[/QUOTE]

Um, would he lower his expectations? What are his expectations?

It sounds like he has a very different future envisaged to the one you have and apologies if that sounds harsh, I (being on the other side) have doubts

 

[happylife32]

Posted on the last page but had no response. How do you know the one is the one?
Can ‘the one’ exist or do we just make a choice based on our feelings. I’m feeling really conflicted lately… I don’t think I’m getting everything I need in this relationship