Relationship advice

[LittleRoots]

I made a post before and got so many helpful and lovely comments the community here is so nice! I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this subject so thought I’d maybe try and see if anyone has any thoughts.

I’ve been with my partner for a few years now, things are starting to move forwards and are looking at houses/moving in very soon. I guess I’m having a bit of cold feet and am unsure if I’m with the right person. I love him and he has my heart, but going forwards I’m just not sure. We don’t have much in common, I am not entirely sure what we will do together all the time, things will always be a struggle financially, I don’t trust him 100% as in if he goes out for a night or something I do feel anxious and don’t have trust in him after a few mistakes he has made previously in our relationship. It feels like a bit of a gamble like it could go well, but I also see it potentially ending in disaster. He is not the most mature person at his age (28)

I have a friend, who I’ve known and been best friends with for a good 10+ years. I was his first love and although I didn’t feel the same we remained very close and I’m starting to possibly catch feelings for him. (There is 0 cheating going on I’m not acting upon anything at all and have told my partner I am having doubts and he knows all) I can’t help but think my life with him would be better, I know without a doubt he would stay loyal and be the most amazing father, we have a lot more in common and I don’t feel anxious about living with him at all I know we’d fit together from diet/tidiness/decorating style/lifestyle all the little things I don’t have in common with my partner that worry’s me. (I’m a country outdoors farmy person like him, whereas my partner is more a city boy to put it simply which is completely fine just worry we have different dreams and one of us will have to sacrifice and not get what we want)

when I look into the future, in all honesty I feel so much more confident/sure of the future I would have with my best friend. Although there isn’t that sparks flying romance I have with my partner, there is more trust, I feel he may know and understand me and my needs and wants more than my partners, we have spent so long building the bond we have I feel it’s unbreakable, and honestly I do spend more time with him than my partner due to us having similar hobbies, and I know without a doubt I can make him happy- With my partner, I just don’t know. I do have doubts I will be all he wants and that he’ll stay forever I do worry about being enough for him, there is a lot of worries! But at the same time, I’ve always felt a spark with him, I just don’t know if that’s enough.

As much as I hate to be that girl, I love them both. In completely different ways, and I don’t know who I should be with. I’ve always been happy alone and know what I want, but this I just can’t figure out.

If anyone has some friendly advice would be much appreciated, I do want to stress there’s 0 cheating emotional or physical both parties know the situation, I am trying to do best by everyone but it is a tricky subject and is very hard to talk and ask for advice without getting judged too much

 

[PersonalityMaven]

Responding to your relationship advice question which I'm hearing as a chemistry versus compatibility question. Just joined this website hoping to find people who share my interest in understanding personality (and would enjoy talking about celebrity personalities.) But your question caught my eye so thought I'd respond.

I think most people would agree that trusting your intuition is the most important thing. And reading your post it seems clear what your intuition is telling you. It sounds like you are having lots of "uh-oh" feelings about your boyfriend. But you also are very aware that listening to those feelings comes at a price which is losing a relationship that has spark.

First of all it's really important to remember that everyone is different and the choice that is best for someone else may not be the choice that is best for you. The exception to that is when it's a matter of physical or emotional safety. It sounds like you do not feel emotionally safe with your boyfriend. If that's true, no one with your best interest at heart would recommend staying with him. But if I am misinterpreting what you said then that may not apply in your case.

In a perfect world, you would find a partner with whom you shared emotional safety and a spark. But we do not live in a perfect world. So the question is if we can be truly happy in a relationship that is emotionally safe but does not have that spark or chemistry? Or if we should choose that relationship even if we would not be truly happy but might be content?

The way I look at it, that's where personality comes in. Different personalities process those choices in different ways. And depending on our personality, our identity and sense of self is influenced differently by the consequences of those choices.

I would be happy to share more specific thoughts about personality if you are interested.

 

[unidentified]

I think you have answered your own question to be honest. As the above poster said, you don’t feel emotionally safe with your partner and you’ve questioned everything about your compatibility other than that lust.

What I do feel I need to highlight though is it isn’t a choice between one and the other. You’re not in a relationship with your best friend and it isn’t very healthy to flit from one relationship to another. You need to take the time out for you. Get to know yourself on your own again and if things are meant to be with your best friend it will progress that way but jumping from one to the other can often result in disaster and risking a long term friendship has the potential to go one way or another and with a potential breakup you don’t want to lose that. Also, does this friend feel the same way? Does he want a future with you?

 

[LittleRoots]

Responding to your relationship advice question which I'm hearing as a chemistry versus compatibility question. Just joined this website hoping to find people who share my interest in understanding personality (and would enjoy talking about celebrity personalities.) But your question caught my eye so thought I'd respond.

I think most people would agree that trusting your intuition is the most important thing. And reading your post it seems clear what your intuition is telling you. It sounds like you are having lots of "uh-oh" feelings about your boyfriend. But you also are very aware that listening to those feelings comes at a price which is losing a relationship that has spark.

First of all it's really important to remember that everyone is different and the choice that is best for someone else may not be the choice that is best for you. The exception to that is when it's a matter of physical or emotional safety. It sounds like you do not feel emotionally safe with your boyfriend. If that's true, no one with your best interest at heart would recommend staying with him. But if I am misinterpreting what you said then that may not apply in your case.

In a perfect world, you would find a partner with whom you shared emotional safety and a spark. But we do not live in a perfect world. So the question is if we can be truly happy in a relationship that is emotionally safe but does not have that spark or chemistry? Or if we should choose that relationship even if we would not be truly happy but might be content?

The way I look at it, that's where personality comes in. Different personalities process those choices in different ways. And depending on our personality, our identity and sense of self is influenced differently by the consequences of those choices.

I would be happy to share more specific thoughts about personality if you are interested.

yea that would be great if possible defiantly a lot of good advice given there defiantly does seem to be a truth in your response think you hit the nail on the head

 

[LittleRoots]

I think you have answered your own question to be honest. As the above poster said, you don’t feel emotionally safe with your partner and you’ve questioned everything about your compatibility other than that lust.

What I do feel I need to highlight though is it isn’t a choice between one and the other. You’re not in a relationship with your best friend and it isn’t very healthy to flit from one relationship to another. You need to take the time out for you. Get to know yourself on your own again and if things are meant to be with your best friend it will progress that way but jumping from one to the other can often result in disaster and risking a long term friendship has the potential to go one way or another and with a potential breakup you don’t want to lose that. Also, does this friend feel the same way? Does he want a future with you?

yea I do think if I were to be with my friend I would be single for a bit as would not want to subconsciously use him as a rebound or anything, I think I would take some me time then start dating friend when I’m ready and take things slowly from there, he’s been very clear about wanting a future with me but has always respected my decision to be friends.

 

[gummy-bear]

I think you have answered your own question to be honest. As the above poster said, you don’t feel emotionally safe with your partner and you’ve questioned everything about your compatibility other than that lust.

What I do feel I need to highlight though is it isn’t a choice between one and the other. You’re not in a relationship with your best friend and it isn’t very healthy to flit from one relationship to another. You need to take the time out for you. Get to know yourself on your own again and if things are meant to be with your best friend it will progress that way but jumping from one to the other can often result in disaster and risking a long term friendship has the potential to go one way or another and with a potential breakup you don’t want to lose that. Also, does this friend feel the same way? Does he want a future with you?

Completely agree with this. I’d have some time alone from them both, get to know yourself and what you 100% want and go from there. There could be someone even better for you out there that you haven’t met yet.

if you were my friend I’d be advising that whatever you do - do not move in or buy a house with your current bf. Whatever the situation is with your best mate, it sounds as though there is some form of emotional cheating going on. You’ve thought about what your life would be with him, what kind of father he’d be etc. If my boyfriend was thinking about this with another girl, we’d be long gone.

 

[LittleRoots]

Completely agree with this. I’d have some time alone from them both, get to know yourself and what you 100% want and go from there. There could be someone even better for you out there that you haven’t met yet.

if you were my friend I’d be advising that whatever you do - do not move in or buy a house with your current bf. Whatever the situation is with your best mate, it sounds as though there is some form of emotional cheating going on. You’ve thought about what your life would be with him, what kind of father he’d be etc. If my boyfriend was thinking about this with another girl, we’d be long gone.

yeah it’s hard, I feel awful and would of left me in his shoes I’m trying my hardest not to hurt anyone and do the right thing but I just don’t think that’s possible. I’ve always known exactly what I want and have been clear to my bf from day one what I want and he’s always given me the impression he wants exactly the same, but now that it’s getting real he’s started telling me things like he was just trying to impress me and he actually wants this and that and changing his mind on a lot of things, I feel that’s maybe contributing to the issues as it now feels I don’t really know him and what he wants. In all honesty I don’t really think he knows what he wants.

 

[PersonalityMaven]

I think it's important to separate the decision about your bf from the decision about your real friend. It seems clear that the relationship with your bf is not what you need/want. The question I think you are really trying to answer is if you could ever feel happy in a romantic relationship with your real friend.

Here's where pinpointing your particular personality can be very helpful. For some personalities it is possible to fall in love without lust. For others, it is not really possible. To get an idea of your personality type, I would ask these two questions...
Which of these events would you attend (if you had to pick one)?
A. Support group
B. Art/science fair
C. Party

Which of these would be the best job perk for you?
A. Something new happens every day
B. You get to challenge the team
C. You work with lots of successful people

Of course you don't have to answer these. But if you do, I can say what I think that means about your question.

 

[LittleRoots]

I think it's important to separate the decision about your bf from the decision about your real friend. It seems clear that the relationship with your bf is not what you need/want. The question I think you are really trying to answer is if you could ever feel happy in a romantic relationship with your real friend.

Here's where pinpointing your particular personality can be very helpful. For some personalities it is possible to fall in love without lust. For others, it is not really possible. To get an idea of your personality type, I would ask these two questions...
Which of these events would you attend (if you had to pick one)?
A. Support group
B. Art/science fair
C. Party

Which of these would be the best job perk for you?
A. Something new happens every day
B. You get to challenge the team
C. You work with lots of successful people

Of course you don't have to answer these. But if you do, I can say what I think that means about your question.

B, defiantly quite arty
A, possibly. I am self employed as an artist/illustrator which I love as am introverted haha!

 

[PersonalityMaven]

I'd like to confirm what I think about your personality so tell me if this sounds right... (And if not, that's ok)

You have always been (since you were a young child) very intuitive and sensitive to people's vibes. You learned early on that most people are not able to understand you, and that you need to be careful what you reveal about your thoughts and feelings. As a result, you have developed the ability to be emotionally self sufficient and to 'fake it till you make it' when stuck in social situations that do not feel completely safe.

 

[LittleRoots]

I'd like to confirm what I think about your personality so tell me if this sounds right... (And if not, that's ok)

You have always been (since you were a young child) very intuitive and sensitive to people's vibes. You learned early on that most people are not able to understand you, and that you need to be careful what you reveal about your thoughts and feelings. As a result, you have developed the ability to be emotionally self sufficient and to 'fake it till you make it' when stuck in social situations that do not feel completely safe.

yeah that’s quite accurate tbh!

 

[plonkington]

I made a post before and got so many helpful and lovely comments the community here is so nice! I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this subject so thought I’d maybe try and see if anyone has any thoughts.

I’ve been with my partner for a few years now, things are starting to move forwards and are looking at houses/moving in very soon. I guess I’m having a bit of cold feet and am unsure if I’m with the right person. I love him and he has my heart, but going forwards I’m just not sure. We don’t have much in common, I am not entirely sure what we will do together all the time, things will always be a struggle financially, I don’t trust him 100% as in if he goes out for a night or something I do feel anxious and don’t have trust in him after a few mistakes he has made previously in our relationship. It feels like a bit of a gamble like it could go well, but I also see it potentially ending in disaster. He is not the most mature person at his age (28)

I have a friend, who I’ve known and been best friends with for a good 10+ years. I was his first love and although I didn’t feel the same we remained very close and I’m starting to possibly catch feelings for him. (There is 0 cheating going on I’m not acting upon anything at all and have told my partner I am having doubts and he knows all) I can’t help but think my life with him would be better, I know without a doubt he would stay loyal and be the most amazing father, we have a lot more in common and I don’t feel anxious about living with him at all I know we’d fit together from diet/tidiness/decorating style/lifestyle all the little things I don’t have in common with my partner that worry’s me. (I’m a country outdoors farmy person like him, whereas my partner is more a city boy to put it simply which is completely fine just worry we have different dreams and one of us will have to sacrifice and not get what we want)

when I look into the future, in all honesty I feel so much more confident/sure of the future I would have with my best friend. Although there isn’t that sparks flying romance I have with my partner, there is more trust, I feel he may know and understand me and my needs and wants more than my partners, we have spent so long building the bond we have I feel it’s unbreakable, and honestly I do spend more time with him than my partner due to us having similar hobbies, and I know without a doubt I can make him happy- With my partner, I just don’t know. I do have doubts I will be all he wants and that he’ll stay forever I do worry about being enough for him, there is a lot of worries! But at the same time, I’ve always felt a spark with him, I just don’t know if that’s enough.

As much as I hate to be that girl, I love them both. In completely different ways, and I don’t know who I should be with. I’ve always been happy alone and know what I want, but this I just can’t figure out.

If anyone has some friendly advice would be much appreciated, I do want to stress there’s 0 cheating emotional or physical both parties know the situation, I am trying to do best by everyone but it is a tricky subject and is very hard to talk and ask for advice without getting judged too much

I’ll be honest I stopped reading past the part where you don’t trust him, in my opinion if you don’t have trust you don’t have anything!
in whatever your decision I hope it goes well

 

[NewOlive]

I think you should leave your partner, sounds like he's not for you, nothing deep but it sounds like you are settling. Doesn't sound like you are in love with your best mate either, I was lucky enough to have a best friend who I fell in love with and 5 year on we are in the best, most comfortable place possible. But if you don't have the passion for him, don't waste either of your time! You can find someone perfect

 

[LittleRoots]

I think you should leave your partner, sounds like he's not for you, nothing deep but it sounds like you are settling. Doesn't sound like you are in love with your best mate either, I was lucky enough to have a best friend who I fell in love with and 5 year on we are in the best, most comfortable place possible. But if you don't have the passion for him, don't waste either of your time! You can find someone perfect

there’s defiantly passion their for him, when I think of the future I can’t imagine it without him, I think of him constantly we haven’t stopped talking daily in over 10 years, it’s just letting go of my relationship which I’m thinking as fun as it was it maybe isn’t the grown up forever relationship I need. That perhaps I need to cherish the time I spent with him and move on to the next stage in my life. I have a feeling when I get over my current bf and some time has passed, my friend might be the one, that’s what my instinct seems to be telling me, it’s just a little scary.

 

[PersonalityMaven]

yeah that’s quite accurate tbh!

Ok, cool. That would mean that the kind of connection that you really want is not based in physicality or even in mental connection. It is based on how you and the other person feel about the universe. That may sound weird, but it explains how you can feel so attracted to someone while feeling unsafe.

I'm going to guess that your bf has the vibe of a wounded soldier that attracts you to him in that way that feels like a magnet pulling you in. I think that the reason you do not feel that chemistry with your rf (real friend) is that he processes life at a practical level, and does not live in the subtle/complex emotional zone that is such an integral part of your being. Honestly, I don't think chemistry for you is about physical attraction. As weird as this may sound, I think it's about sharing a sense of the world as an unsafe place. If this is the case, it is possible that your rf has that in himself too, but just has not shown it to you (which could be for healthy reasons). And that would mean there is potential for love there. Or, his personality may just not have that at all. If you want to say how you think he would answer the two questions (pasted again below with an edit so use this version) then I can share thoughts on him.

Which of these events would you attend (if you had to pick one)?
A. A rally to help bring communities together
B. Art/science fair
C. Party

Which of these would be the best job perk for you?
A. Something new happens every day
B. You get to challenge the team
C. You work with lots of successful people

 

[NewOlive]

there’s defiantly passion their for him, when I think of the future I can’t imagine it without him, I think of him constantly we haven’t stopped talking daily in over 10 years, it’s just letting go of my relationship which I’m thinking as fun as it was it maybe isn’t the grown up forever relationship I need. That perhaps I need to cherish the time I spent with him and move on to the next stage in my life. I have a feeling when I get over my current bf and some time has passed, my friend might be the one, that’s what my instinct seems to be telling me, it’s just a little scary.

Do you think about him regularly? Do you imagine yourself with him? Do you have fun together? Go get your man!

Do you think about him regularly? Do you imagine yourself with him? Do you have fun together? Go get your man!

Also, how long have you thought you might have feelings for them?

 

[supertrooper]

My partner says horrible things when we argue always about me not leaving thats I just wont leave.. yet then when hes being nice saying things about future, being really nice and helpful
It’s like two different people, when hes angry it really feels like he hates my guts it really does

 

[nimblefimble]

Not sure if this is the place to post, but wondering if anyone had any advice on how to raise relationship issues with your partner. I’ve been with mine for 6 years since our late teens and recently things have just felt off. I’ve felt ignored and neglected by them and been a bit of a behaviour shift that is making me feel really crap. I already struggle with my mental health and it isn’t helping me feel any better. How do I raise it non awkward or confrontational? Honestly we’ve never really had problems before so don’t know what to do.

 

[Thelakes]

I'm in a relationship with a guy and his best friend is having a leaving do party this month. I said I didn't really want to go as I'm not friends with any of the people going and I'm an awkward introvert so I definitely won't enjoy myself. But I said I'll go if it makes him happy and he was OK with that.

Now I've got a wedding invite for a close friend happening in March and his hobby potentially will clash with the date, so he basically said put him down as a maybe. Implying he'd prefer to do something he likes than be my +1 which I'm quite annoyed about. The leaving party for his friend is this month and the wedding a couple of months. So would it be very petty of me to say I'm not going to his friends party anymore i get the impression he expects me to show up for him and he won't do the same for me??

 

[littlepup]

I'm in a relationship with a guy and his best friend is having a leaving do party this month. I said I didn't really want to go as I'm not friends with any of the people going and I'm an awkward introvert so I definitely won't enjoy myself. But I said I'll go if it makes him happy and he was OK with that.

Now I've got a wedding invite for a close friend happening in March and his hobby potentially will clash with the date, so he basically said put him down as a maybe. Implying he'd prefer to do something he likes than be my +1 which I'm quite annoyed about. The leaving party for his friend is this month and the wedding a couple of months. So would it be very petty of me to say I'm not going to his friends party anymore i get the impression he expects me to show up for him and he won't do the same for me??

Yes it would be petty. Point out that you are compromising for his sake but don’t make it a situation where you use it to bargain, it’ll make it even more awkward if you do go when the time comes.
I would explain how you feel, use his party as an example of how he may feel. Do you not mix socially if you don’t know his best friend and he wouldn’t want to be there for your close friend? Do you not live together/it’s not long term as in the invite is for you and +1 rather than to you both?
I’d also explain that you can’t ‘maybe’ a wedding invite, they have to budget for every guest, create seating plans etc.