Relationship advice

[Mr Paul Barry John Allen]

Men are the worst. Try not to dwell on it. He’s shown you early on what a dick he is. What age is he?

In his 30s... Would you believe it lol.

I've been so tempted to leak his number on here, just so he'd get spammed but that would be too petty lol

 

[littlepup]

I'm in a relationship with a guy and his best friend is having a leaving do party this month. I said I didn't really want to go as I'm not friends with any of the people going and I'm an awkward introvert so I definitely won't enjoy myself. But I said I'll go if it makes him happy and he was OK with that.

Now I've got a wedding invite for a close friend happening in March and his hobby potentially will clash with the date, so he basically said put him down as a maybe. Implying he'd prefer to do something he likes than be my +1 which I'm quite annoyed about. The leaving party for his friend is this month and the wedding a couple of months. So would it be very petty of me to say I'm not going to his friends party anymore i get the impression he expects me to show up for him and he won't do the same for me??

Yes it would be petty. Point out that you are compromising for his sake but don’t make it a situation where you use it to bargain, it’ll make it even more awkward if you do go when the time comes.
I would explain how you feel, use his party as an example of how he may feel. Do you not mix socially if you don’t know his best friend and he wouldn’t want to be there for your close friend? Do you not live together/it’s not long term as in the invite is for you and +1 rather than to you both?
I’d also explain that you can’t ‘maybe’ a wedding invite, they have to budget for every guest, create seating plans etc.

 

[Becca0888]

Hey guys!!
I am not sure if this is the correct thread so I apologise in advance if not

Myself and my partner have been together since 2015, we were 26 now 34, within the first few months we had discussed where we would love to see ourselves in 5+ years, what we hoped to do in life and not live with regrets.
My main goals was to have children, my partner agreed.
A year later we had moved in together and got a mortgage, two years go by and the topic of having children came up, my partner shut it down immediately and said he didn’t want children has it didn’t give him any purpose in life, this obviously broke me has I couldn’t believe I had waited 2 years for him to just change his mind out of nowhere, I know this sounds dramatic but I almost felt like I had waisted my time with someone I believed to have a future with!
I kind of let him think I had forgotten about having children and that I weren’t that fussed over it but then I brought it up again not long after, my partner then told me “one day” but then it would change again to “no”
We had a massive falling out because I believe that he doesn’t want to (doesn’t have to) have children and I feel like I’m almost allowing him to have that luxury but my wants in life are sitting on a shelf waiting for “one day”

we have NEVER used protection, never been on any form of contraception, only ever used the ‘pull out method’
In 8 years he has only ever not pulled out twice and that was 2 weeks ago and just before Halloween last year.

let’s just say, we are 8 years in (almost 9) no children!
it really breaks my heart that I can’t be a mum, I love my partner with everything but most days I feel like I’m living my life with regrets and that’s not what I want to do.
I asked my partner again today and he’s told me he’s sick of me asking him, he says the more I ask the more it makes him not want to has he feels like I’m rushing him!
he doesn’t seem to understand that we have been together nearly 9 years, it’s not like we are in the first year!!
Please help.

 

[AFlyOnYourWall]

@AFlyOnYourWall - UPDATE, so he won't come out because he's hungover, twice now I've been stood up.

I don't know how to tell him to just go, this is so crap and feels like I'm having the piss took outta me

Going through enough as it is, just feel so let down by him.

What a bastard. Honestly he’s not worth it. If this is how he’s making you feel before you’ve even officially started dating, imagine the hurt he could potentially cause you if it progressed to a relationship. You’re worth so much more than that I would take a step back, and no matter how tempted you are, don’t chase him or be the first to reach out and message

 

[nimblefimble]

Not sure if this is the place to post, but wondering if anyone had any advice on how to raise relationship issues with your partner. I’ve been with mine for 6 years since our late teens and recently things have just felt off. I’ve felt ignored and neglected by them and been a bit of a behaviour shift that is making me feel really crap. I already struggle with my mental health and it isn’t helping me feel any better. How do I raise it non awkward or confrontational? Honestly we’ve never really had problems before so don’t know what to do.

 

[LittleRoots]

Any update

Not the best update which I feel quite nervous to admit, things have been on and off with my boyfriend, for some reason I just feel drawn to him and he has my heart despite there being a lack of trust and different opinions on most things so have been trying to make things work with him. I find myself wondering if I made the right choice a lot, as he can be a bit clueless and Immature which frustrates me sometimes.
I’m defiantly and over thinker and planner so am trying to just relax and enjoy the moment and see where it takes me rather than trying to plan out every single move in my life. I’m a little lost, late 20’s are so difficult!

 

[Mr Paul Barry John Allen]

@Mr Paul Barry John Allen there you go luv. Pour your heart out on here and we’ll listen to you

I'm new to this thread but I need some help
I haven't seen this guy in like 5 years and he's been out of a relationship the last 6 months.
He messaged me with the usual, oh I just want to be friends, but it's escalated so quickly.
But the problem, we've tried to meet up a few times and it's the usual balls, oh I'm nervous etc.
I'm so so torn, last night we had an incredible chat for hours and it feels so right.

But I don't know what to do, do I make him make an effort? It's always me messaging and I don't want to seem desperate

First deep feelings I've had for someone in such a long time and I'm not sure what I should do.

Should I give him an ultimatum? If so, I've no idea what, I just don't want my feelings hurt lol men are so complicated

Tagging you @AFlyOnYourWall because I wished I could update you personally

 

[CrazyGiraffeLady]

Hi, seeking advice as I don’t know what to do anymore. Been with my partner for a long time, he lost his job back in July, said he was going to start his own business, I supported him and said I would hold the fort for bills etc for the first few months. fast forward to now. He half heartedly tried, nothing came to fruition. He had told me for months he applies for jobs but 8 months down the line and he hasn’t even been for an interview so I’m really starting to doubt that. He hasn’t contributed towards bills, childcare food. I pay for everything, the small bit of UC he does receive is gone 3 days later and I haven’t seen any of it. Everytime I try to discuss it it ends up in an argument that he thinks I’m implying he’s a shit dad and I’d be better off without him. Truth is I really am starting to think I would be better off. Definitely financially anyway. We’re together but I’ve never felt so sad about our relationship and I just don’t know what to do to approach it.

I’d end it tbh. X

 

[Becca0888]

Can you genuinely be happy in life without children? Because I don’t think having children with him is an option here. It’s stay and be childless or leave and take your chances with another relationship.

People who don’t want children shouldn’t have children. They almost never make good parents. We’d love to think they’d discover the magic and wonder how they lived without them but it’s just not the reality, having kids is bloody hard work, you have to want it. Having children with this man will probably lead to resentment from you when he doesn’t step up (no one talks about the resentment you feel as a new Mum even in a balanced relationship) and resentment from him toward you for ‘pushing him’ into something he didn’t want, ‘forcing’ into the responsibility of it. The relationship would likely breakdown then you’re a single Mum with a reluctant or no co-parent.
Unfortunately when it comes to having kids there’s no half way compromise and after 9 years it seems like his position is clear.
Withdrawal is only about 80% effective so it’s a massively risky method. If you’re sort of hoping it’ll happen and he’ll have to face up to it, is that how you want to conceive anyway?

“he says the more I ask the more it makes him not want to” - this is an unbelievably childish attitude. If you can’t have open lines of communication without being shut down, it also doesn’t bode well for the relationship full stop, let alone co-parenting.

When we first met I already was a single parent to one, he has been a amazing step dad to my son, he told me he wanted children but for the past 6 years it’s been ‘one day’ I am very family oriented so having children of my own was always something I wanted to have and my partner told me he loved that about me, I have worked has a midwife since I was 19, my partner has a very good job also.
I wanted to get with someone who had the same if not similar life goals has me so that this wouldn’t happen, I was lead to believe we would have this life together but honestly nothing we saw ourselves doing from 19 has happened. I’d hate to get to 50 and look back on my life with regrets.
Has for the comment ‘can you genuinely be happy in life without children’ it’s not has simple has that when you wake up everyday for 9 years with a ache in your heart knowing your son won’t have a sibling and that you really want something but can’t have it, it’s not a case of wake up and accept it, it’s an hard one because unless you really understand and relate where I’m coming from it just won’t make sense.
I would never leave my partner for not having children but I feel lied to so I can say it’s pushed me away a little.

 

[oli]

Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy !
the only person that knows if you can get over it is you however I will give you my take.
You say your genuinely happy and are about to become a parent shortly, this is going to change you and your partners lives massively. Your relationship will change too and you will have a newborn that depends on you.
How does he treat you now and throughout your pregnancy ?
How did you find out about it , does he know you know ?
You weren’t officially together , so technically he hasn’t done anything wrong and in the end he went official with you, he choose you and continues to stay with you and make you happy.
If I were you I would try ( easier said than done) to move on , concentrate on your pregnancy and enjoy being a new mum with a supportive partner by your side, And a new baby to adore.

thank you!

He has been so supportive throughout my pregnancy and he really does treat me so well and I would never have expected this I think that’s why I feel so hurt.

i found out when a picture popped up on his phone from 2 years ago and she was in the background and he had never mentioned her being there before and I had a weird feeling about it so I asked and he told me said he couldn’t lie to me about it so was honest.

Thanks for you’re advice and I feel like deep down I know that’s what I need to do but it’s just so hard right now to see past that and concentrate on the now and not the past.

 

[Mr Paul Barry John Allen]

Sound like the chat is the only thing that feels right? You haven't seen each other and he keeps pulling out right?

I would definitely stop messaging him first and go cold towards him. But even if that stirs him into action, would you really want a partner that is showing up for you only when there's a threat of you pulling away? Sounds exhausting to be honest.

Chatting is easy. Very, very easy.

Yup! I haven't seen him in like 5 years, so I guess I wanted to give him a chance.

Yeah, only spoke to him once today, seems more interested going to Snoop Dogg tonight so yeah.

I was gonna chat to him when he's free, but now I'm not even sure to be honest.

I'll see what happens tomorrow.

 

[theweekend]

Hi, I need some advice on this which is also partly my fault I guess for looking:

I saw my bf posting more on another forum. Mostly harmless stuff but then I saw he replied to a question from someone about relationship issues. We have had some bedroom issues and he replied saying he was unhappy with ours and and he might have to 'make a choice'. I assume on our relationship.

This issue has been brought up before so it's not news to me and he has been mentioning it recently so I decided to call him out but not mentioning I saw the posts. Just went down the, do you want to talk about X route as you have been referencing it.

He replied and we had a normal conversation but then I went back and saw he deleted the comments. He doesn't 100% know that i know his forum name but he must have felt seen to delete them. He didn't mention it either.

Anyway, my issue is that do I reference I saw them? I'm concerned that he discussed such drastic action to a stranger but then when we discussed it he didn't mention it being as serious and had quite the opposite approach about wanting to work through it . I'm annoyed at myself for looking as feel like im in a catch 22.
Any advice welcome but just wanted to get it off my chest. Thanks

This is quite a common thing with men I find. Everything gets downplayed because most are really confrontation-averse and poor communicators. Now personally I would bring it up, outside of obviously wanting an answer I find these things only explode out of them at a later date and leave you feeling blindsided. HOWEVER, expect 1) for him to feel cornered and be very defensive, through no fault of your own it may not be a productive conversation and 2) for him to tell you something that may be hard to hear.

On the former, I'd maybe give him a heads up via text earlier in the day for a discussion when you get home? As with things like this they never seem to respond well in the moment. Have a response ready for why you're "stalking him online" or similar though, they always seem to play that card. On the latter, I do think you just have to be brave, forcing men to be honest about whether they want to be with you has never caused a breakup, only sped it up, which in the long term is the most beneficial thing.

 

[LittleRoots]

I think you have answered your own question to be honest. As the above poster said, you don’t feel emotionally safe with your partner and you’ve questioned everything about your compatibility other than that lust.

What I do feel I need to highlight though is it isn’t a choice between one and the other. You’re not in a relationship with your best friend and it isn’t very healthy to flit from one relationship to another. You need to take the time out for you. Get to know yourself on your own again and if things are meant to be with your best friend it will progress that way but jumping from one to the other can often result in disaster and risking a long term friendship has the potential to go one way or another and with a potential breakup you don’t want to lose that. Also, does this friend feel the same way? Does he want a future with you?

yea I do think if I were to be with my friend I would be single for a bit as would not want to subconsciously use him as a rebound or anything, I think I would take some me time then start dating friend when I’m ready and take things slowly from there, he’s been very clear about wanting a future with me but has always respected my decision to be friends.

 

[HitchhikingGhost]

This is quite a common thing with men I find. Everything gets downplayed because most are really confrontation-averse and poor communicators. Now personally I would bring it up, outside of obviously wanting an answer I find these things only explode out of them at a later date and leave you feeling blindsided. HOWEVER, expect 1) for him to feel cornered and be very defensive, through no fault of your own it may not be a productive conversation and 2) for him to tell you something that may be hard to hear.

On the former, I'd maybe give him a heads up via text earlier in the day for a discussion when you get home? As with things like this they never seem to respond well in the moment. Have a response ready for why you're "stalking him online" or similar though, they always seem to play that card. On the latter, I do think you just have to be brave, forcing men to be honest about whether they want to be with you has never caused a breakup, only sped it up, which in the long term is the most beneficial thing.

Thank for your reply. Much appreciated

 

[theweekend]

Thank for your reply. Much appreciated

Good luck with it all and I hope you're okay, those messages must have been anxiety-inducing to read. I have been in a similar situation and it's horrible having the reassurance but not knowing whether to believe it or not. Also frustrating we have to do so much work to ensure they are honest when they should just be in the first place! But as I said you're not the first woman to deal with this and certainly won't be the last

 

[Mr Paul Barry John Allen]

@AFlyOnYourWall - UPDATE, so he won't come out because he's hungover, twice now I've been stood up.

I don't know how to tell him to just go, this is so crap and feels like I'm having the piss took outta me

Going through enough as it is, just feel so let down by him.

 

[littlepup]

Spoiler: Slightly NSFW(!)

Has anyone’s partner ever suggested spicing things up in the bedroom with a bit of ‘back door’ action if you get my drift?

Were you offended, or prepared to give it a go?

Spoiler: NSFW

Entirely personal choice. I know those who do it on the reg, those who save it for Christmas and birthdays and people who are entirely against it. As far as kinks go, I’d say it’s a fairly minor one, I think a lot of men want to try it but not necessarily incorporate into the regular routine.
If you’re considering it, IMO It’s not something that, for most people, you’ll want to do off the cuff and preparation is key. Have a look on lovehoney, maybe start light with a small inserstable vibe or plug to feel more relaxed about getting that area involved and move on from there rather than going straight for it and the key is copious amounts of the right kind of lube!
If you really don’t fancy it, don’t feel pressured. There are plenty of other things you can experiment with.

 

[tomato_paste]

So things are moving forward with a man i met online in December(first one I’ve ever met from an app). We are long distance but aim to now see each other once a week.We have never spoken about being exclusive at all.Although he has said he’s not talking to other women.I’m trusting this as that’s all I can do.We haven’t had sex yet but came close on Valentine’s Day.I guess I’m just looking for sex advice and etiquette.I gave him oral on v day which was good with a bit of thrusting and a little hair pulling which I didn’t love but figure it’s normal from porn watching males.He asked me if I was ok after we finished.We hugged but I had to ask him for a kiss.We argued last week when I told him I want more effort to be made he complained work is getting to him and he’s stressed.I do feel a bit much making demands on him when we’re not officially bf girlfriend haven’t had sex and only started speaking in November. I’m just wondering should I’d have had sex v day to get it over with or am I right for waiting until we’ve had the talk of where things are going and are we exclusive.

He should have asked for consent before he did all that kinky stuff. I think it's quite the red flag that he didn't. Asking afterwards shows he knew he should have. And no, it's not "normal". It's actually pretty disturbung that you excuse it so easily.

Also, please be honest with what you need and be authentic in that, it won't get better if you hide that now. It will just establish a baseline that doesn't reflect what you truly need. Don't make yourself smaller to fit somebody elses idea of what you're supposed to be.

 

[JodieB12]

Posted on the last page but had no response. How do you know the one is the one?
Can ‘the one’ exist or do we just make a choice based on our feelings. I’m feeling really conflicted lately… I don’t think I’m getting everything I need in this relationship

Hey lovely, you just know. may I ask what needs aren’t you getting?

 

[MaryX82]

So things are moving forward with a man i met online in December(first one I’ve ever met from an app). We are long distance but aim to now see each other once a week.We have never spoken about being exclusive at all.Although he has said he’s not talking to other women.I’m trusting this as that’s all I can do.We haven’t had sex yet but came close on Valentine’s Day.I guess I’m just looking for sex advice and etiquette.I gave him oral on v day which was good with a bit of thrusting and a little hair pulling which I didn’t love but figure it’s normal from porn watching males.He asked me if I was ok after we finished.We hugged but I had to ask him for a kiss.We argued last week when I told him I want more effort to be made he complained work is getting to him and he’s stressed.I do feel a bit much making demands on him when we’re not officially bf girlfriend haven’t had sex and only started speaking in November. I’m just wondering should I’d have had sex v day to get it over with or am I right for waiting until we’ve had the talk of where things are going and are we exclusive.