Narcissistic and Toxic parents.

[birdiefly246]

I don’t know why I keep doing it to myself, getting my hopes up for some sort of maternal support/ love and then get disappointed when it doesn’t come. I should know by now it won’t.

I text my mum today that I’ve been signed offf work with stress due to an ongoing situation. She knows the ins and outs of it and I only mentioned to stop her digs about work. I had No call or anything in response, just a simple “I hope it gets sorted soon” reply. I text her about my son saying he acted out a bit today. She asks “do you think he’s picking up on your stress or just a phase?”. I replied “I think he’s just being a toddler”.

It’s like she’s using my work situation to imply I’m being a bad mother. Ugh I’m so annoyed at myself or maybe I’m being overly sensitive as usual.

I don't think you're being oversensitive. The problem when you have a narc mother and you've grown up with that kind of abuse, everything is always loaded in someway or another with subliminal messages, passive aggression etc. It's never a straight forward xyz.
I hope you feel better soon and remember that she doesn't have a "normal" view of you or the world. Take care of yourself and rely on others for support who can offer you what you need xxxx

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

I need to vent.
I’m in my 30s, moved out of my mum’s 3 years ago.
we didn’t always have a great relationship... it became very fraught in the last year before I moved out. That’s another story.
Anyway, what’s beginning to wind me up is, she will call me when she is clearly bored and only when she’s bored (aren’t we all atm?!). She text me asking me what I was up to yesterday but I didn’t read it until a few hours later, purposely, as I guessed she was bored and if I told her nothing, she would maybe ask me to go through to hers when tbh I am quite happy chilling at home on my own (We both live alone). I never replied yesterday but felt guilty this morning and called her back and had a pointless conversation. Then she called me not long ago but I was on the phone to my dad and sent her a WhatsApp saying I was on the phone. She didn’t reply. Just now she’s called me back as she just wants something to talk to and was wittering on about something on Instagram. I even answered with “what’s wrong??! ”. I’ve got nothing to talk to her about.

The point is, it winds me up, and I should let go of this, but when me and sister were younger, she would always put her bfs before us and it’s like, now she has no one, she leans onto me and my sister. I sound bitter and resentful and will probably feel awful after posting this.
She is the kind of woman that will want to do something with her friends but will wait until they ask her to do something, she won’t initiate anything. She will whinge if she doesn’t get invited to things, then in the next breath, she will moan if one of them pops over to hers when she’s not in the mood.
I don’t know what I’m getting at, like I said, I just need to vent!!

 

[birdiefly246]

I need to vent.
I’m in my 30s, moved out of my mum’s 3 years ago.
we didn’t always have a great relationship... it became very fraught in the last year before I moved out. That’s another story.
Anyway, what’s beginning to wind me up is, she will call me when she is clearly bored and only when she’s bored (aren’t we all atm?!). She text me asking me what I was up to yesterday but I didn’t read it until a few hours later, purposely, as I guessed she was bored and if I told her nothing, she would maybe ask me to go through to hers when tbh I am quite happy chilling at home on my own (We both live alone). I never replied yesterday but felt guilty this morning and called her back and had a pointless conversation. Then she called me not long ago but I was on the phone to my dad and sent her a WhatsApp saying I was on the phone. She didn’t reply. Just now she’s called me back as she just wants something to talk to and was wittering on about something on Instagram. I even answered with “what’s wrong??! ”. I’ve got nothing to talk to her about.

The point is, it winds me up, and I should let go of this, but when me and sister were younger, she would always put her bfs before us and it’s like, now she has no one, she leans onto me and my sister. I sound bitter and resentful and will probably feel awful after posting this.
She is the kind of woman that will want to do something with her friends but will wait until they ask her to do something, she won’t initiate anything. She will whinge if she doesn’t get invited to things, then in the next breath, she will moan if one of them pops over to hers when she’s not in the mood.
I don’t know what I’m getting at, like I said, I just need to vent!!

My mum is the exact same! I've always come second best to whatever man was on the scene (her husband now) but when they aren't around or she was single I was her favourite. I always described myself as an old phone in a drawer. She just pulls me out to use me when her better option isn't around. She is still the same now and I live in a totally different country. She will phone me when it's convenient for her, i.e she's on her way to work, in the car. She'll never phone me in the evening when my step dad is home from work.

You don't sound bitter and resentful and even if you did those feelings are perfectly valid for you to feel! One thing I always say with narc mothers is that it's hard to explain to people without sounding like a brat because most people don't understand the small nuances of things that go on that is like an unspoken language. I can't explain to someone when my mother does one thing cause it sounds like just that but it's laced in passive aggression etc that people don't get unless they live it

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

My mum is the exact same! I've always come second best to whatever man was on the scene (her husband now) but when they aren't around or she was single I was her favourite. I always described myself as an old phone in a drawer. She just pulls me out to use me when her better option isn't around. She is still the same now and I live in a totally different country. She will phone me when it's convenient for her, i.e she's on her way to work, in the car. She'll never phone me in the evening when my step dad is home from work.

You don't sound bitter and resentful and even if you did those feelings are perfectly valid for you to feel! One thing I always say with narc mothers is that it's hard to explain to people without sounding like a brat because most people don't understand the small nuances of things that go on that is like an unspoken language. I can't explain to someone when my mother does one thing cause it sounds like just that but it's laced in passive aggression etc that people don't get unless they live it

Have you ever seriously brought it up with her?
I once did, said I was sick of being picked up and dropped depending on if she was seeing her friends or not. Of course, it turned into an argument. As usual.
I hope no one reads my previous post and think my sister and I were neglected when she was gallivanting with her bf it wasn’t like that. She left us on our own at weekends when we were old enough. But she did lean on me a lot when I was a child when my parents were divorcing and when she would break up with her bfs. Don’t know if it’s impacted me as a person...
Feel awful now for bitching, I should be grateful my mum is even here to annoy me and call me when there are people who have lost their mums

 

[Bobbleowl90]

Anyone have these? How did you or do you deal with them?

My husbands mother is one of the most toxic people I’ve had the displeasure of meeting.

We have completely cut her out of lives. She got told about her behaviour and how she can stay in our lives if she wanted - how she could change her behaviour. She didn’t listen. She had lots of chances and we spoke rationally to her and sat her down but nothing worked at all. In the end we had no choice but to say please do not contact us ever again. We’ve had one or two texts since which my husband has ignored. The last text was probably around ten months ago now.

I must mention we have also cut his dad and sister off too as they didn’t help and made matters worse.

 

[Curly Top]

I need to vent.
I’m in my 30s, moved out of my mum’s 3 years ago.
we didn’t always have a great relationship... it became very fraught in the last year before I moved out. That’s another story.
Anyway, what’s beginning to wind me up is, she will call me when she is clearly bored and only when she’s bored (aren’t we all atm?!). She text me asking me what I was up to yesterday but I didn’t read it until a few hours later, purposely, as I guessed she was bored and if I told her nothing, she would maybe ask me to go through to hers when tbh I am quite happy chilling at home on my own (We both live alone). I never replied yesterday but felt guilty this morning and called her back and had a pointless conversation. Then she called me not long ago but I was on the phone to my dad and sent her a WhatsApp saying I was on the phone. She didn’t reply. Just now she’s called me back as she just wants something to talk to and was wittering on about something on Instagram. I even answered with “what’s wrong??! ”. I’ve got nothing to talk to her about.

The point is, it winds me up, and I should let go of this, but when me and sister were younger, she would always put her bfs before us and it’s like, now she has no one, she leans onto me and my sister. I sound bitter and resentful and will probably feel awful after posting this.
She is the kind of woman that will want to do something with her friends but will wait until they ask her to do something, she won’t initiate anything. She will whinge if she doesn’t get invited to things, then in the next breath, she will moan if one of them pops over to hers when she’s not in the mood.
I don’t know what I’m getting at, like I said, I just need to vent!!

I am familiar with this type of behaviour and sympathise. It's good that you are completely aware of what she's up to and have set up boundaries.
Throughout our childhood my mother prioritised her boyfriends and money-making schemes over my sisters and I. She was happy to send us off to stay with godparents or friends whilst she busied herself with more interesting pastimes, often for days at a time.

Eventually she grew bored with our step-father and her business had to close. At a loose end, like yours, she began looking to us for entertainment. We were expected to take her out, buy her presents, carry out household tasks and listen to the minutiae of her life. If anything more exciting turned up, we would be cancelled or delayed.

When my sister phoned her while she was taking her dog for a walk, my mother would fume that it was only at her convenience and that she was an after-thought. She was angry if my younger sister visited on her way somewhere else. We were always second best but woe betide us if she wasn't put first.

As we all recognise here - this is the mindset of the narcissist.

 

[birdiefly246]

Have you ever seriously brought it up with her?
I once did, said I was sick of being picked up and dropped depending on if she was seeing her friends or not. Of course, it turned into an argument. As usual.
I hope no one reads my previous post and think my sister and I were neglected when she was gallivanting with her bf it wasn’t like that. She left us on our own at weekends when we were old enough. But she did lean on me a lot when I was a child when my parents were divorcing and when she would break up with her bfs. Don’t know if it’s impacted me as a person...
Feel awful now for bitching, I should be grateful my mum is even here to annoy me and call me when there are people who have lost their mums

Once when I was 13. She denied it happens and told that it wasn't true. Haven't bothered bringing anything up since. I just navigate her tantrums like a parent would a toddler now. That's how I feel a lot of the time with her.

I'd argue you were neglected. My therapist once said to me that people think of neglect as kids rifling through bins but you can be emotionally neglected and that my mum not giving a damn about my needs in the slightest was still neglect. Honestly I could be here for days talking about it. In a weird way I'm kind of grateful for it because I now know exactly the kind of mother I don't want to be. I'm her only child which means the cycle will stop with me.

You shouldn't feel awful for saying it and you don't have to be grateful. It's hard to say and people may disagree with me but I feel a lot of guilt that people have lost their mums who were lovely yet mine is still alive who quite frankly doesn't deserve the title. She is so draining to deal with, sometimes when I see her name come up on my phone I think oh not you.

 

[FriendlyBoa]

Mother reported me to the RSPCA and NSPCC had one child and was heavily pregnant with another.

RSPCA turned up expected to find a house full of animals covered in shite, fleas and neglected. Apologised for wasting my time.

NSPCC passed on concerns to relevant authorities who were miffed as to what was going on. Had heavy involvement with midwives, specialist care etc due to tricky pregnancy, existing child was 100% attendance at school.

Complaint was house was in state of disrepair, I was manically depressed, child never went to school and stank of piss, vicious dogs that were caged inside property. Was all a bit mad and completely fabricated.

We cut ties and she wails to anyone who will listen that she has been punished, how awful I am and she fears for her grandchildren welfare.

She clearly is unhinged and the fact she doesn't even know what part of the country I live in gives me great comfort.

 

[rosalierae]

Glad to have stumbled across this thread! It feels affirming to read other similar stories to my own. I have other siblings who don’t share the same strong feelings about our textbook narcissistic mother and are very much still under her spell - saying that we are all very close. I have a very enabling dad as well which has been hard over the years because it’s clear his main focus in life is keeping our mum happy at the expense of his kids’ mental health. I have coped by distancing emotionally and physically and came to terms with the fact I don’t have a mum in the sense id like to. Instead I focus on creating the kind of mum-daughter relationship with my daughter that I wish I’d had and I discovered gentle and attachment parenting which is a direct opposite to the way we were raised. That and discovering friends in adulthood who have similar issues with their parents helped with shared experiences and also a Facebook group called Daughters of Narcisstic Mothers have been helpful

 

[Zoombeeni2245]

Yes I did. My dad. He died in 2012. When I was 23. I have felt like a terrible person for years, feeling guilty thinking that my life is better without him in it. It really is. He was horrible to me. Examples include hitting me with hands/ objects such as coat hangers etc when I was a kid. Calling me fat / the c word/ witch / mental/ weird when I was a child/ teenager. He smashed my toys and ripped up my homework one time.
If I had a sleepover he would say I’m buying friends or taunt me that nobody would turn up. When I was depressed as a teenager he constantly tried to push my out of the house and said he wanted to throw me out. When I was 17 he nearly broke my arm twisting it when he was drunk. When I graduated he said he didn’t know how someone like me could get a degree.
All in all he was a bully. My mum let it happen so god knows what that makes her! If he was alive now I 100% would have cut him out my life.

 

[slabber]

Apologies if this has already been covered but does anyone struggle with their parents on social media?

I have moved away now which naturally has helped with boundaries and I don't really bother messaging.

But it appears there is no escape... I have had enough of my narcissistic parents attention seeking via social media - cryptic posts about mental health and commenting on pages which may or may not mean they have now been diagnosed with an actual condition - which wouldn't surprise me. How inappropriate is it to (I think intentionally) inform your child - adult or not - and other Facebook friends of this via social media comments. Naturally, people argue this could be a cry for help, but when you have heard so many veiled threats over the years and hear about a new ailment or condition every time you speak to them, you see past it to know they are just imploring you to message and ask if they're ok, to give them the attention they seek.. giving them the opportunity to play the victim and to enable their "poor me" thinking. So I'm absolutely not giving in to what these posts are trying to achieve.

So I thought the easiest solution was to deactivate the whole thing - this prevents me from looking like the bad guy for ignoring the posts, further feeding into their poor me thinking. But now I realise I actually want my own social media (lol) and why should I have to delete it just for them?
The last time I tried to just "unfollow" them, they figured it out and would just sent me screenshots or links to their posts they wanted me to see. Any suggestions? I feel like deleting them is too far - although it wouldn't particularly bother me - and again, I would look like the bad guy. Maybe it boils down to me just needing to get over looking like the bad guy because I know I'm not.

I realise I sound very disinterested and cold but honestly, I just don't care. I think back to my childhood which I myself still struggle with at times, and then I'm conflicted between being glad my parent is struggling but again, being angry that it is still all about them and that they still expect me to appease them.

So after years and years of parentification and control, I'm done with it. Don't know if this is me asking for advice or just me looking a rant but I thought those on this post might understand. I hope you do.

 

[PrincessCharming]

I blocked my mother on Facebook. What I can’t see can’t bother me.

 

[Noseybatch]

I just received a late Xmas present off a collage type photo calendar off my mum. 57 pics of her, 13 of my kids, 10 with me and 1 with my husband. Why

 

[PrincessCharming]

I just received a late Xmas present off a collage type photo calendar off my mum. 57 pics of her, 13 of my kids, 10 with me and 1 with my husband. Why

My mother sends gifts of photos of herself to the family. She did a memories collage for my sister in law and in about 50 photos on that poster, not a single one was of SIL (who is beautiful)

 

[JenniferStano]

Oh wow, so glad I saw this thread!

1 week ago was my last straw with my mum and I have promised myself that is it. I no longer want anything to do with her. She projects onto me, gaslights me, mocks me, verbally abuses me, goes to attack me (though hasn’t tried that one in a few years) embarrasses me in public and undermines me any chance she gets. Tries to drive wedges between me and the people I love.

She used to be cruel to my brother growing up, and has now turned the cruelty onto me.
I lost my dad as a young child and she told me that if it had been her that died instead of him, my life would have been alot worse (It would actually have been filled with love, though those thoughts never crossed my mind and I was sickened when she said that)

she is aggressive and I am the opposite so when I go to leave when she starts getting wound up at me That’s when the real nasty side comes out.
she says I think I am better than everyone (meaning her, because I actually did something with my life)
She calls me a snob, infront of my friends too.
the last thing she did was call me a fat bastard because I asked her to respect my wishes on a private matter, which she doesn’t like, she often says ‘she has a right to know’. (I am a size 12) hardly fat.

She has ruined holidays, Christmases as a child, she used to drink a lot so I was witness to domestic violence, as an adult I realise it was actually her drunk and being abusive to my step father, but at the time I didn’t understand what was happening. Police call outs, fights, the lot. Social services were never involved, I don’t know how she slipped under the radar!

Reading some of your stories and my heart is hurting for all the little girls we once were!
our mothers (and some fathers) are never going to be the people we want and dream of, but we are adults now and we get to choose who we let into our lives. Don’t let anyone who hasn’t been in the same situation tell you “yeah but they’re blood” the amount of times people have told me this has just led to more unnecessary heart ache for me.

Big hugs to you all, my DM is open to anyone who wants a chat

 

[PrincessCharming]

The first Christmas after I got married my gift from my mother was a huge frame. I thought it would be one of our wedding photos. It was a studio shot of my mother’s head and shoulders. It didn’t go up funnily enough.

Totally agree with the “oh but it’s your mum” comments. My answer is always... “when was the last time your mother punched your face?”. Soon shuts them up.

 

[openbook1]

Apologies if this has already been covered but does anyone struggle with their parents on social media?

I have moved away now which naturally has helped with boundaries and I don't really bother messaging.

But it appears there is no escape... I have had enough of my narcissistic parents attention seeking via social media - cryptic posts about mental health and commenting on pages which may or may not mean they have now been diagnosed with an actual condition - which wouldn't surprise me. How inappropriate is it to (I think intentionally) inform your child - adult or not - and other Facebook friends of this via social media comments. Naturally, people argue this could be a cry for help, but when you have heard so many veiled threats over the years and hear about a new ailment or condition every time you speak to them, you see past it to know they are just imploring you to message and ask if they're ok, to give them the attention they seek.. giving them the opportunity to play the victim and to enable their "poor me" thinking. So I'm absolutely not giving in to what these posts are trying to achieve.

So I thought the easiest solution was to deactivate the whole thing - this prevents me from looking like the bad guy for ignoring the posts, further feeding into their poor me thinking. But now I realise I actually want my own social media (lol) and why should I have to delete it just for them?
The last time I tried to just "unfollow" them, they figured it out and would just sent me screenshots or links to their posts they wanted me to see. Any suggestions? I feel like deleting them is too far - although it wouldn't particularly bother me - and again, I would look like the bad guy. Maybe it boils down to me just needing to get over looking like the bad guy because I know I'm not.

I realise I sound very disinterested and cold but honestly, I just don't care. I think back to my childhood which I myself still struggle with at times, and then I'm conflicted between being glad my parent is struggling but again, being angry that it is still all about them and that they still expect me to appease them.

So after years and years of parentification and control, I'm done with it. Don't know if this is me asking for advice or just me looking a rant but I thought those on this post might understand. I hope you do.

Could you keep your old accounts up but create new ones to use? Or honestly, just block them.

My mother sends gifts of photos of herself to the family. She did a memories collage for my sister in law and in about 50 photos on that poster, not a single one was of SIL (who is beautiful)

My insane aunt in law sends hundreds of photos of herself on holidays to people. No one gives a tit. She is an absolute narc, as is my MIL.

 

[chamomilesugar]

Oh yes, add in toxic siblings, one who caused me ptsd after he assaulted me 8 years ago.

I put up with their violent, narcissistic ways for 33 years and damaged my mental and physical health in the process allowing that constant stress in my life.

After my brother assaulted me I cut them off. It was the hardest but best thing I ever did for my mental health. I craved my mother’s love all my life, she was controlled by my violent, abusive sister who used to hit her too. In the end I gave up trying to have my mother show love, she told me she couldn’t as she had barriers up, and withheld love, cuddles and kisses since I was a little girl. I knew she loved us deep down because she did her best to care for us when we were little but after I was assaulted I developed ptsd and she refused to support me. I then developed physical health issues and she watched me crawl to the kitchen to make her a cup of tea when she came to visit my children. She just watched me and refused to show me any love or care. She walks away from her own children when they suffer, she did it to my sister when she became ill with addictions. In the end you realise you have to stop craving love someone can’t give. In my case of course I don’t know your situation.

My father was a cold man and alcoholic. My parents would scream, fight and spit in front of us as children. They never hid it to keep us safe. My mum would have huge outbursts of rage due to stress with my dad and smack or belt me and my brother, we were the eldest out of the 4. My childhood was far from normal but the sad thing was I thought it was normal to live in fight or flight and because my mum cared for in terms of bathing us, dressing us, feeding us when there was food in the house (there wasn’t always) us etc, as children it meant she loved us. I can now see my friends were right, it just wasn’t normal. My friends refused to come to my hole as a teen as they said it scared them hearing my mum shouting all the time.

I have a wonderful husband and children, I’m so lucky and feel so loved. It’s made me such a loving mother. It was hard to walk away as I had it ingrained in me you accept violence, it’s family. I’m proud I broke that to keep my children safe from what I experienced. Therapy helped me so much to overcome the pain.

My advice is don’t deal with it, you’ve one life. Don’t wait as long as I did to make your life feel safe and calm.

 

[lpm123]

My mother in law has narc tendencies. I won’t go into detail but the golden child dynamic within the family is so obvious, it’s awful. Does anyone know the psychology behind why this is such a common trait seen in narc parents?

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

Why can’t my stepmum wait until my dad has properly hung up the phone to me before she starts talking about me in the background what does she achieve?
Anyone else have this problem?