Narcissistic and Toxic parents.

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I can relate so much to this subject. My mum is not a nice person at all. My dad is amazing but gets very defensive if I bring up anything about my mum. My mum got arrested for drink driving last year at 2pm in the afternoon and was 4 times over the legal limit. My mum has always been a secret alcoholic and me and brother used to find vodka bottles which had been drunk then filled with water to make them look unopened. My brother could do know wrong when we were young. I got so much abuse from my mum. I got insulted constantly and told I was “mentally challenged”. Also in one argument when unknown at the time she was having alcohol withdrawal told me I was fat and that my clothes were looked awful ( I was a size 8-10) I would get hit and my hair pulled. When I had my second son my mum was never free to come and take my eldest child. Looking back she obviously had been drinking and couldn’t drive. Even after getting arrested she was still ordered vodka in her Tesco delivery in secret and my brother found her passed out in the garden. He is getting married soon and I know he is looking forward to getting away from home to his own place. I could go on and on. I get so jealous of people who have amazing relationships with their mum and go out and get coffee/shopping/spa etc. I’ve never done that with my mum. Anytime I see her or speak to her I come away with worse anxiety. My son has autism and she thinks it’s because of my lack of discipline. He also eats a very beige diet and she always makes remarks that it’s ridiculous and I’m making a rod for my own back. My dad and my in laws are thankfully amazing! I know this sounds awful but if my mum wasn’t here I honestly feel like I would have this anxiety weight of my shoulders. I feel like she’s not my mum she’s more like a stranger to me. I can’t trust her with my kids although I do still call over now and again to visit her and it’s not fair on my dad to not see my boys. I have no female siblings/cousins etc and not many friends. I feel like why did I have to have this mum that gets on like this, I’m constantly worried about her drinking which is still denies. I feel like I’m looking after a child. She’s lost her licence until December 2021 but I’m dreading her getting it back. Sorry just needed a rant and so glad to see I’m not alone. My mental health and anxiety has been awful since the drink driving of my mum. I’m back on anti depressants and even my husband has noticed my behaviour change. Hoping things get better in time. Lots of love and hugs to you all ❤❤
 
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Trigger warning ; abuse and suicide.
My mom was a narc. I also am seriously struggling in later life as all of this was my "normal"...
This is probably barely going to touch the surface but For as long as I can remember she told me the only reason I was here was because she didn't have another choice (she was 7 months gone when she discovered she was pregnant with me).. I always knew she hated me she never made it a secret but my younger brother was the golden child,. She was very cold and never ever hugged me or showed affection. She married when I was 5 and it was a very violent relationship. She always put her self and her needs first, they were alcoholics who spent their nights after work in the pub so from a very young age I was coming home to no parents, no food, sometimes if they had forgot to leave the door open I'd have to wait in the garden (I'd snuggle up with the dogs in their shed) until they got home, in all weather's until all times, when they finally got home they'd be too drunk to do much else but fight so there was never any food in and because of the uncertainty of eating at home I would try and eat wherever I was and in the end developed a very unhealthy obsession with food, she would call me a fat piece of pig tit almost daily and in turn my brothers would say it too. I spent my whole childhood tip toeing around her as her moods were so explosive and she was so violent. When I was 13 she attacked me (nothing unusual) and broke my arm. Long story short the neighbours rang the police an as a result me and my brother went into temporary Foster care. He soon returned but I was never welcome back, she blamed it all on me to anyone who would listen and the constant "I can't believe youve done this to your mom and told the police so many lies" made me want to die as no one understood the real her. Everything was a guilt trip with her and I even ended up feeling like maybe it was me? I stayed in Foster care until I was 16 and then got my own place. She would turn up once in a blue moon and never ever helped me I was alone at 16 with not a penny to my name (she had always been well established money wise) but would never help me with anything despite doing anything for her sons. Our relationship since then was sparse, She vehemently denied all of my memories and says I must be sick in the head to say these things which made it harder to care about her. I had my first son at age 20 and I seen a side to her I had never ever seen before she adored him. Would kiss and hug him shower him with love and then thats when I really thought wow it must be me... The next few years she put me through hell with her drinking, emotional abuse and wild BPD episodes. She went to jail for drink driving and whilst she was in I discovered I was having a girl.. The next time she rang I told her and she just put the phone down on me. I was so confused but after a while it became clear... Its because the baby was a girl.. She had not one bit of time for her like she did my son. The same with me and my brothers. I ended up cutting her off after the birth.. Fast forward to a year later (January 2020) and I got a call to say she had hanged herself. When I got to the hospital they had her on life support but it wasn't looking good due to the brain damage, I ended up being the next of kin and all further decisions were down to me. 5 days later the day before my 27th birthday I had to make the heart wrenching decision to withdraw her life support, my brothers whom she adored left and I lay with her whilst she died and it was honestly the closest I have ever felt to her and my heart broke all over again. I thought I'd mourned my mom years ago but clearly not. I planned and paid for the funeral single handedly and my brothers swanned up and took all the credit for "a beautiful send off..my whole family openly blaims me for her suicide and said if I hadn't stopped contact with her and the kids she would never of done this. I'm struggling with my thoughts of her, it's like a PP said since she's died iv put her on a pedastal and it's really an emotional roller-coaster. I loved her to death and I suppose somewhere in there she loved me too but it wasn't what it should of been. I'm in therapy and trying to overcome this professionally but I also get so jealous seeing other grown ups with wonderful parents. Because even when mine were here I wished they wasn't
 
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Trigger warning ; abuse and suicide.
My mom was a narc. I also am seriously struggling in later life as all of this was my "normal"...
This is probably barely going to touch the surface but For as long as I can remember she told me the only reason I was here was because she didn't have another choice (she was 7 months gone when she discovered she was pregnant with me).. I always knew she hated me she never made it a secret but my younger brother was the golden child,. She was very cold and never ever hugged me or showed affection. She married when I was 5 and it was a very violent relationship. She always put her self and her needs first, they were alcoholics who spent their nights after work in the pub so from a very young age I was coming home to no parents, no food, sometimes if they had forgot to leave the door open I'd have to wait in the garden (I'd snuggle up with the dogs in their shed) until they got home, in all weather's until all times, when they finally got home they'd be too drunk to do much else but fight so there was never any food in and because of the uncertainty of eating at home I would try and eat wherever I was and in the end developed a very unhealthy obsession with food, she would call me a fat piece of pig tit almost daily and in turn my brothers would say it too. I spent my whole childhood tip toeing around her as her moods were so explosive and she was so violent. When I was 13 she attacked me (nothing unusual) and broke my arm. Long story short the neighbours rang the police an as a result me and my brother went into temporary Foster care. He soon returned but I was never welcome back, she blamed it all on me to anyone who would listen and the constant "I can't believe youve done this to your mom and told the police so many lies" made me want to die as no one understood the real her. Everything was a guilt trip with her and I even ended up feeling like maybe it was me? I stayed in Foster care until I was 16 and then got my own place. She would turn up once in a blue moon and never ever helped me I was alone at 16 with not a penny to my name (she had always been well established money wise) but would never help me with anything despite doing anything for her sons. Our relationship since then was sparse, She vehemently denied all of my memories and says I must be sick in the head to say these things which made it harder to care about her. I had my first son at age 20 and I seen a side to her I had never ever seen before she adored him. Would kiss and hug him shower him with love and then thats when I really thought wow it must be me... The next few years she put me through hell with her drinking, emotional abuse and wild BPD episodes. She went to jail for drink driving and whilst she was in I discovered I was having a girl.. The next time she rang I told her and she just put the phone down on me. I was so confused but after a while it became clear... Its because the baby was a girl.. She had not one bit of time for her like she did my son. The same with me and my brothers. I ended up cutting her off after the birth.. Fast forward to a year later (January 2020) and I got a call to say she had hanged herself. When I got to the hospital they had her on life support but it wasn't looking good due to the brain damage, I ended up being the next of kin and all further decisions were down to me. 5 days later the day before my 27th birthday I had to make the heart wrenching decision to withdraw her life support, my brothers whom she adored left and I lay with her whilst she died and it was honestly the closest I have ever felt to her and my heart broke all over again. I thought I'd mourned my mom years ago but clearly not. I planned and paid for the funeral single handedly and my brothers swanned up and took all the credit for "a beautiful send off..my whole family openly blaims me for her suicide and said if I hadn't stopped contact with her and the kids she would never of done this. I'm struggling with my thoughts of her, it's like a PP said since she's died iv put her on a pedastal and it's really an emotional roller-coaster. I loved her to death and I suppose somewhere in there she loved me too but it wasn't what it should of been. I'm in therapy and trying to overcome this professionally but I also get so jealous seeing other grown ups with wonderful parents. Because even when mine were here I wished they wasn't
That’s so sad, how awful for you. Abused kids love the abusing parent because that’s all they know. She showed you no love. She abused and neglected you. I really hope you can process this and that nasty woman can be laid to rest in your mind.
 
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Trigger warning ; abuse and suicide.
My mom was a narc. I also am seriously struggling in later life as all of this was my "normal"...
This is probably barely going to touch the surface but For as long as I can remember she told me the only reason I was here was because she didn't have another choice (she was 7 months gone when she discovered she was pregnant with me).. I always knew she hated me she never made it a secret but my younger brother was the golden child,. She was very cold and never ever hugged me or showed affection. She married when I was 5 and it was a very violent relationship. She always put her self and her needs first, they were alcoholics who spent their nights after work in the pub so from a very young age I was coming home to no parents, no food, sometimes if they had forgot to leave the door open I'd have to wait in the garden (I'd snuggle up with the dogs in their shed) until they got home, in all weather's until all times, when they finally got home they'd be too drunk to do much else but fight so there was never any food in and because of the uncertainty of eating at home I would try and eat wherever I was and in the end developed a very unhealthy obsession with food, she would call me a fat piece of pig tit almost daily and in turn my brothers would say it too. I spent my whole childhood tip toeing around her as her moods were so explosive and she was so violent. When I was 13 she attacked me (nothing unusual) and broke my arm. Long story short the neighbours rang the police an as a result me and my brother went into temporary Foster care. He soon returned but I was never welcome back, she blamed it all on me to anyone who would listen and the constant "I can't believe youve done this to your mom and told the police so many lies" made me want to die as no one understood the real her. Everything was a guilt trip with her and I even ended up feeling like maybe it was me? I stayed in Foster care until I was 16 and then got my own place. She would turn up once in a blue moon and never ever helped me I was alone at 16 with not a penny to my name (she had always been well established money wise) but would never help me with anything despite doing anything for her sons. Our relationship since then was sparse, She vehemently denied all of my memories and says I must be sick in the head to say these things which made it harder to care about her. I had my first son at age 20 and I seen a side to her I had never ever seen before she adored him. Would kiss and hug him shower him with love and then thats when I really thought wow it must be me... The next few years she put me through hell with her drinking, emotional abuse and wild BPD episodes. She went to jail for drink driving and whilst she was in I discovered I was having a girl.. The next time she rang I told her and she just put the phone down on me. I was so confused but after a while it became clear... Its because the baby was a girl.. She had not one bit of time for her like she did my son. The same with me and my brothers. I ended up cutting her off after the birth.. Fast forward to a year later (January 2020) and I got a call to say she had hanged herself. When I got to the hospital they had her on life support but it wasn't looking good due to the brain damage, I ended up being the next of kin and all further decisions were down to me. 5 days later the day before my 27th birthday I had to make the heart wrenching decision to withdraw her life support, my brothers whom she adored left and I lay with her whilst she died and it was honestly the closest I have ever felt to her and my heart broke all over again. I thought I'd mourned my mom years ago but clearly not. I planned and paid for the funeral single handedly and my brothers swanned up and took all the credit for "a beautiful send off..my whole family openly blaims me for her suicide and said if I hadn't stopped contact with her and the kids she would never of done this. I'm struggling with my thoughts of her, it's like a PP said since she's died iv put her on a pedastal and it's really an emotional roller-coaster. I loved her to death and I suppose somewhere in there she loved me too but it wasn't what it should of been. I'm in therapy and trying to overcome this professionally but I also get so jealous seeing other grown ups with wonderful parents. Because even when mine were here I wished they wasn't
Thank you for sharing your story and I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through. It seems you have come out of this with a loving family of your own and I hope now you feel that you can put your past behind you. Never blame yourself for another persons actions.
 
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That’s so sad, how awful for you. Abused kids love the abusing parent because that’s all they know. She showed you no love. She abused and neglected you. I really hope you can process this and that nasty woman can be laid to rest in your mind.
Oh I know and I am really trying. Thank you x

Thank you for sharing your story and I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through. It seems you have come out of this with a loving family of your own and I hope now you feel that you can put your past behind you. Never blame yourself for another persons actions.
Yes I have my own little family now and they really do get me through. thank you ♥
 
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Trigger warning ; abuse and suicide.
My mom was a narc. I also am seriously struggling in later life as all of this was my "normal"...
This is probably barely going to touch the surface but For as long as I can remember she told me the only reason I was here was because she didn't have another choice (she was 7 months gone when she discovered she was pregnant with me).. I always knew she hated me she never made it a secret but my younger brother was the golden child,. She was very cold and never ever hugged me or showed affection. She married when I was 5 and it was a very violent relationship. She always put her self and her needs first, they were alcoholics who spent their nights after work in the pub so from a very young age I was coming home to no parents, no food, sometimes if they had forgot to leave the door open I'd have to wait in the garden (I'd snuggle up with the dogs in their shed) until they got home, in all weather's until all times, when they finally got home they'd be too drunk to do much else but fight so there was never any food in and because of the uncertainty of eating at home I would try and eat wherever I was and in the end developed a very unhealthy obsession with food, she would call me a fat piece of pig tit almost daily and in turn my brothers would say it too. I spent my whole childhood tip toeing around her as her moods were so explosive and she was so violent. When I was 13 she attacked me (nothing unusual) and broke my arm. Long story short the neighbours rang the police an as a result me and my brother went into temporary Foster care. He soon returned but I was never welcome back, she blamed it all on me to anyone who would listen and the constant "I can't believe youve done this to your mom and told the police so many lies" made me want to die as no one understood the real her. Everything was a guilt trip with her and I even ended up feeling like maybe it was me? I stayed in Foster care until I was 16 and then got my own place. She would turn up once in a blue moon and never ever helped me I was alone at 16 with not a penny to my name (she had always been well established money wise) but would never help me with anything despite doing anything for her sons. Our relationship since then was sparse, She vehemently denied all of my memories and says I must be sick in the head to say these things which made it harder to care about her. I had my first son at age 20 and I seen a side to her I had never ever seen before she adored him. Would kiss and hug him shower him with love and then thats when I really thought wow it must be me... The next few years she put me through hell with her drinking, emotional abuse and wild BPD episodes. She went to jail for drink driving and whilst she was in I discovered I was having a girl.. The next time she rang I told her and she just put the phone down on me. I was so confused but after a while it became clear... Its because the baby was a girl.. She had not one bit of time for her like she did my son. The same with me and my brothers. I ended up cutting her off after the birth.. Fast forward to a year later (January 2020) and I got a call to say she had hanged herself. When I got to the hospital they had her on life support but it wasn't looking good due to the brain damage, I ended up being the next of kin and all further decisions were down to me. 5 days later the day before my 27th birthday I had to make the heart wrenching decision to withdraw her life support, my brothers whom she adored left and I lay with her whilst she died and it was honestly the closest I have ever felt to her and my heart broke all over again. I thought I'd mourned my mom years ago but clearly not. I planned and paid for the funeral single handedly and my brothers swanned up and took all the credit for "a beautiful send off..my whole family openly blaims me for her suicide and said if I hadn't stopped contact with her and the kids she would never of done this. I'm struggling with my thoughts of her, it's like a PP said since she's died iv put her on a pedastal and it's really an emotional roller-coaster. I loved her to death and I suppose somewhere in there she loved me too but it wasn't what it should of been. I'm in therapy and trying to overcome this professionally but I also get so jealous seeing other grown ups with wonderful parents. Because even when mine were here I wished they wasn't
I hope you get to a point where you can be free of these thoughts and feelings. It is very, very difficult but you had to protect your children. Your responsibility is for your children not your mum. I wish you all the love and happiness in life going forward ❤

My mum told me over and over again how she hated me so much she wanted to kill herself just to get away from me and several times she got brought home by neighbours who had found her on the railway tracks waiting to be run over. When i was little I cried for hours over that woman but now in my mid thirties (and she died 10 years ago from an illness) i wish she had got her wish! She made my life miserable and I don't think I deserved to be treated that way.
 
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I hope you get to a point where you can be free of these thoughts and feelings. It is very, very difficult but you had to protect your children. Your responsibility is for your children not your mum. I wish you all the love and happiness in life going forward ❤

My mum told me over and over again how she hated me so much she wanted to kill herself just to get away from me and several times she got brought home by neighbours who had found her on the railway tracks waiting to be run over. When i was little I cried for hours over that woman but now in my mid thirties (and she died 10 years ago from an illness) i wish she had got her wish! She made my life miserable and I don't think I deserved to be treated that way.
No, you didn't deserve to be treated that way, that's awful.
 
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My heart is breaking for this thread. I can only hope we all find our happy place 💕
 
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I hope you get to a point where you can be free of these thoughts and feelings. It is very, very difficult but you had to protect your children. Your responsibility is for your children not your mum. I wish you all the love and happiness in life going forward ❤

My mum told me over and over again how she hated me so much she wanted to kill herself just to get away from me and several times she got brought home by neighbours who had found her on the railway tracks waiting to be run over. When i was little I cried for hours over that woman but now in my mid thirties (and she died 10 years ago from an illness) i wish she had got her wish! She made my life miserable and I don't think I deserved to be treated that way.
Thank you, my children were my only reason to break free if I never had them I would of always made excuses for it but it does make me feel tit and angry.
I'm so sorry to hear that you didn't deserve it and I hope you know it 😔
Its really hard to talk about with other people who haven't been through it as its just an alien consept to them and they couldn't understand even if they wanted.
Sending you all love and healing 💖
 
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can i just send all my love to you all. life is so hard in this circumstances and living with lies and secrecy is so tough. Love you all and hope everything turns out all right xxxxxxxx
 
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How many of you lovely Tattlers get tired of trying to explain to people why you try to have as little to do with your narcissistic family as possible? I have a dear friend who just does not get it - she tells me that perhaps I should let bygones by bygones and move on ... which would be fine if it was one little thing, but it's not. It's just the same old manipulative behaviour over and over again.

Every Christmas, my narcissistic mother - who is also a hypochondriac of epic proportions - fakes a medical emergency. I do call her occasionally to make sure she isn't wanting for anything (she lives alone), acting very 'grey rock' in the process, and more often than not end up depositing money to her bank account for whatever emergency has cropped up (she's also terrible with money, is on the pension but cannot seem to work with what she has). I'm actually sick of it; the golden child, my sister, who is also a narcissist lives a very flashy lifestyle and never, ever gives my mother money. She did in the past once in a blue moon, but charged her interest. She was texting and leaving messages on my phone all day today, crying and carrying on. When I called her back, she started off with her usual, "Oh, nothing's wrong. I know you're busy." So I said I am and I'd better get back to it. I just was not buying into it. Within minutes, my aunt called and said my mother had received some bad news and was very upset and I really should call her back ... so I did - the "bad news" was that she has to go and have some blood tests to check her iron levels. For the love of God, that is not an emergency! I called my aunt back and told her what the situation was and she seemed quite surprised. There is absolutely no point explaining my mother's dramatics to her as I think they're cut from the same cloth in that regard. Ugh - frustrating!

I wonder too, how many Tattlers who are not the golden child have narcissistic parents who want to come and live with them in their old age. Mine has hinted on more than a handful of occasions that's what she'd like - which will never, ever happen. I was placed in boarding school at the age of 13 because I was "getting under her feet" (her words); I'm also constantly reminded that I'm the reason why her blood pressure has been high from the moment she gave birth to me.
 
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My mother punched me so when people say “oh but it’s your mum” or whatever I refer them back to that.

My golden child brothers can take care of her in old age...she’s not getting anywhere near my house!
 
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This sounds so similar to my mum (and dad) and how they behave! I had postnatal depression after my first born, I think largely caused by the pressures I get from my parents. Instead of helping me, my sister In law told me my mum had been slagging me off calling me lazy for hiring a cleaner. I had a miscarriage in between my two children and my dad and I were talking about it in the context of something else and he said “what’s that miscarriage got to do with anything”. When I left hospital with my second child I mention to my mum that it was exactly a year since the miscarriage and she said “time to forget and enjoy your children now”, then no more was said about it (they see it as a very taboo subject). One of my brothers has never met my son despite being invited to (8months ago) but my parents always refuse to hear a bad word against him and see me as the problem. They always make excuses for him not bothering with me or my sons. It often makes me wonder if I am the problem. I’ve had to learn you can’t control what others do, only how you react to them.
You're not the problem , that's what they want you to think so you keep your place in their spiders web.

I'm so sad there are so many of us . Narc mother and alcoholic/enabler father here.
Sibling and I both cut contact with parents and were vilified by the extended family except for one aunt who believed us.
We are only responsible for our actions not theirs. My parenting technique was to take the few things I liked and reverse the others and that seemed to work ok.
My heart goes out to you all ❤
 
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You're not the problem , that's what they want you to think so you keep your place in their spiders web.
That is so well put and absolutely correct.

I was always told to not answer back, to "be the better person", to "turn the other cheek" and be a little lady. I told a friend this and this and she got it straightaway (having a sister with NPD). She said they tell you that to keep you submissive and in your lane. As a result, I have never been able to stick up for myself - it can be a real problem. There are some who take real advantage. On the very few occasions I've lost my temper with someone - my family have always harked back to them over and over and lectured me on my sharp tongue and temper. This is infuriating as my mother and sister were vicious and frequent abusers.
 
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I feel that people who have never truly experienced a close relationship with a narcissist will ever understand what it's like. Until a close friend had worked for one she admitted she felt I was being over sensitive.

Your celebrations and successes are only due to them and they'll remind you and everyone of that (even if they had nothing to do with it, they'll find something - "If it wasn't for me, she wouldn't have been born!") - but by hokey, they won't be happy with you; they'll use it as an opportunity to ruin the occasion in any way they can. When they're miserable they expect everyone to be miserable with them. When someone is ill, they're suddenly ill. When someone buys a new x, they'll buy one the exact same. When someone enrolls in some training, they'll do the same. They just have no personality or accomplishments of their own; they have to ride in over everyone else and take over. That's just the tip of the iceberg with their behaviour though. I think a lot this behaviour comes out at Christmas time because they cannot bear to see everyone happy and will find any way possible to make it all about them (mine threw herself down a garden path the day before we were due to go on holiday).

I used to think something was seriously wrong with me, until I moved out of home (at 17) and finally found my vibe and tribe (normal, everyday people and feeling relaxed for the first time in my life). It wasn't until my early 30s that I learned about narcissistic traits though. It's sad to see my sister now pass on the exact same behaviour to her daughter who, at the age of 24, is just the same as she was.
 
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I feel that people who have never truly experienced a close relationship with a narcissist will ever understand what it's like. Until a close friend had worked for one she admitted she felt I was being over sensitive.

Your celebrations and successes are only due to them and they'll remind you and everyone of that (even if they had nothing to do with it, they'll find something - "If it wasn't for me, she wouldn't have been born!") - but by hokey, they won't be happy with you; they'll use it as an opportunity to ruin the occasion in any way they can. When they're miserable they expect everyone to be miserable with them. When someone is ill, they're suddenly ill. When someone buys a new x, they'll buy one the exact same. When someone enrolls in some training, they'll do the same. They just have no personality or accomplishments of their own; they have to ride in over everyone else and take over. That's just the tip of the iceberg with their behaviour though. I think a lot this behaviour comes out at Christmas time because they cannot bear to see everyone happy and will find any way possible to make it all about them (mine threw herself down a garden path the day before we were due to go on holiday).

I used to think something was seriously wrong with me, until I moved out of home (at 17) and finally found my vibe and tribe (normal, everyday people and feeling relaxed for the first time in my life). It wasn't until my early 30s that I learned about narcissistic traits though. It's sad to see my sister now pass on the exact same behaviour to her daughter who, at the age of 24, is just the same as she was.
It's the pushing on to the child of their own problems - transference/projection - that I think is so evil. Making the child feel that they have the problem is so cruel. A child is so reliant on their parents and learns about the world through them, so this behaviour is abhorrent. I am glad you found your tribe at 17, which is early. It must have felt like finding an oasis in the desert.

My mother used to tell me everyday that there was something wrong with me, that I was unlikeable and would never have any friends. I believed her and this made me the most pathetic people pleaser ever. My friends and later, boyfriends would walk all over me and I always came back for more being grateful for having friends. Eventually I had a minor breakdown and broke off from the longterm boyfriend, who is retrospect was the most selfish and unkind person. He couldn't believe it as he was so arrogant. I am so glad I did. Thankfully I found my husband and I feel he is the first person who has ever loved me. I am still very cagey and guarded around friends.

The point about celebrations is absolutely correct. My own mother hated weddings in particular because she hated the bride having all the attention. Always very vain about her own looks, she could not bear to hear another female being told she is beautiful and radiant. She would look a bride up and down and make some vile comment, which could be heard e.g. "I've never seen a bride with a visible panty line before". She thought she was being so funny! My cousin spent her wedding day in tears because of my mother's loud bitchy asides. Christmas was always a nightmare as she would have huge crying jags saying how ungrateful we were after all her efforts to make the day perfect.
 
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I feel that people who have never truly experienced a close relationship with a narcissist will ever understand what it's like. Until a close friend had worked for one she admitted she felt I was being over sensitive.

Your celebrations and successes are only due to them and they'll remind you and everyone of that (even if they had nothing to do with it, they'll find something - "If it wasn't for me, she wouldn't have been born!") - but by hokey, they won't be happy with you; they'll use it as an opportunity to ruin the occasion in any way they can. When they're miserable they expect everyone to be miserable with them. When someone is ill, they're suddenly ill. When someone buys a new x, they'll buy one the exact same. When someone enrolls in some training, they'll do the same. They just have no personality or accomplishments of their own; they have to ride in over everyone else and take over. That's just the tip of the iceberg with their behaviour though. I think a lot this behaviour comes out at Christmas time because they cannot bear to see everyone happy and will find any way possible to make it all about them (mine threw herself down a garden path the day before we were due to go on holiday).

I used to think something was seriously wrong with me, until I moved out of home (at 17) and finally found my vibe and tribe (normal, everyday people and feeling relaxed for the first time in my life). It wasn't until my early 30s that I learned about narcissistic traits though. It's sad to see my sister now pass on the exact same behaviour to her daughter who, at the age of 24, is just the same as she was.
I just want to say you worded that really well! It's explained perfectly.
 
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Thank you all for your support on this thread.

I have started to gently push back against my mothers mean comments with the support of my husband.

Recent examples being on my birthday. My mum made a big fuss/point of saying she wanted to come and see me at a certain time (midday) and poured on the emotional manipulation when I said I was going out for the day with my husband and children. “Well I would like to see my daughter on her birthday” etc. she didn’t want to come earlier as she doesn’t get up until 11am.

I said well we are going out for the day at 11am for a walk but you’re welcome to come for a doorstop visit before then. She announces she will come at 10.45am before we go out.

I rang her the following day to tell her how lovely the day was and mention a lovely friend had dropped off some shop bought cakes for me. Her response was a snigger and “aren’t you supposed to be on a diet”.
I said “Its my birthday mum, I know you think you’re being funny but can you not on my birthday”, she continued to laugh at me. I’m hoping somewhere in her brain the comment landed/ made her think.

A part of me feels awful for criticising my mum for wanting to see me and these things may not seem like much, but these instances to me feel manipulative/controlling and how she tries to belittle me.

I feel so much stronger now I’m a mother myself and do feel I’m the complete opposite with my children to how my parents were/are x
 
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Thank you all for your support on this thread.

I have started to gently push back against my mothers mean comments with the support of my husband.

Recent examples being on my birthday. My mum made a big fuss/point of saying she wanted to come and see me at a certain time (midday) and poured on the emotional manipulation when I said I was going out for the day with my husband and children. “Well I would like to see my daughter on her birthday” etc. she didn’t want to come earlier as she doesn’t get up until 11am.

I said well we are going out for the day at 11am for a walk but you’re welcome to come for a doorstop visit before then. She announces she will come at 10.45am before we go out.

I rang her the following day to tell her how lovely the day was and mention a lovely friend had dropped off some shop bought cakes for me. Her response was a snigger and “aren’t you supposed to be on a diet”.
I said “Its my birthday mum, I know you think you’re being funny but can you not on my birthday”, she continued to laugh at me. I’m hoping somewhere in her brain the comment landed/ made her think.

A part of me feels awful for criticising my mum for wanting to see me and these things may not seem like much, but these instances to me feel manipulative/controlling and how she tries to belittle me.

I feel so much stronger now I’m a mother myself and do feel I’m the complete opposite with my children to how my parents were/are x
Sadly, in her mind your birthday is also her special day (that's what mine told me in as many words). She would have been far happier if you'd said you didn't enjoy the day as she wasn't there. Isn't it sad looking into their behaviour, re-examining it for anything you might have done wrong?

I'm trying so hard to go no contact but a new health crisis has been invented, as she's now telling relatives that I never, ever call (not true) or visit her (true), which has led to a couple of them texting me to say she's very poorly and I might like to give her a call. She is like a noose around my neck. It's so exhausting! If I could move countries, I would.
 
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Something that I think we should all remember is that if it was a "friend" or someone else doing and saying and acting this way, we would definitely cut them from our lives and others would have no problem about it.
We did not get to choose our parents, we had no say in being born. That whole blood is thicker than water, that's nonsense! It's luck of the draw.
We should not feel guilty for protecting ourselves.
 
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