As above, don't feel you need to apologise for posting here.
That woman is a disgrace.
I am so sorry that you had to endure that from her.
I think counselling is an avenue you should consider
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That woman is a disgrace.
I am so sorry that you had to endure that from her.
I think counselling is an avenue you should consider
Definitely what they hate. It's why my mum hates my older sister so much. Because sister cut mum out of her life.
I'm too scared to cut my mum out of my life. I'm too scared to stand up to her. I've seen first hand how she plays the victim and tries to turn others against you.
This was me! Don’t get me wrong I’m still scared but I know this is something I need to do, for me. It gets easier every day and I get more confident every day!
She does not deserve your time. Don't communicate with her, ever. I'm so sorry she said that to you.
What she says about you behind your back - can that really be worse than the emotional labour and trauma you go through continuing a relationship with her? Anyone that sides with her when she spews her bile can’t be worth a thought, surely?
I've already cut my brother out of my life (the thread titled incest details it all. ) I'm scared to end up with nobody leftWhat she says about you behind your back - can that really be worse than the emotional labour and trauma you go through continuing a relationship with her? Anyone that sides with her when she spews her bile can’t be worth a thought, surely?
I think my dad was a narccisist, he died in 2019 and i love and miss him. But the more im thinking about stuff, the more i think he was. I have my own mental health issues- BPD, Bipolar 2, etc etc. And from when i was little everyone used to say how similar me and my dad were, and i hated it! Because he was so moody, and he was absolutely 'the boss', my mum was scared of him and he absolutely controlled everything!! I remember being so scared of him, and he used to joke about how he didnt have to say anything to us all he did was point his finger upstairs and we ran upstairs and were grounded. What he said went and we were not allowed opinions or anything that challenged his way of thinking. I remember my mum had an affair (with his best friend!!) and all i could think about was " i dont blame her and i hope she leaves him and we live a happy life" and i was 12/13 at this time! I was also there when he punched her, and i heard him rape her as well. It was awful.
We all lived walking on egg shells. If he was in a good mood then everyone else HAD to also be in a good mood, and if he was in a bad mood then bloody hell did we know about it! He would always make jokes at our expense, and if we reacted then we would be accused of overreacting. He was so embarrasing as well! Always trying to be the funny one, when really it was just embarrasing. And everything he did, we all had to tell him it was perfect! If we dared say anything other than it was perfect then he would argue and shout. And this went on through out my life! He, i think was secretly dissapointed in me not having the career that he wanted me to have. I did my BA in History and Criminology and i didnt know what to do. He tried to push me into politics but i didnt want to. I decided to do my MA in Social Work and he was really negative about it, even when i got my first social work job he wasnt happy for me!
The other thing i notice on reflection is, he acted like a tough guy with us but he wouldnt say boo to anyone outside of the house! He would be gobby and opiniated with us, but never with anyone outside of the family. So that has made me think he wasnt this strong man that i used to think.
I absolutely think he had mental health issues that had not been diagnosed, and that could explain why i also have mental health issues. But i made a promise to myself and my own children that i would never parent the way he did.
Also i just want to add, if anyone here has been diagnosed with mental health issues; especially Borderline Personality Disorder, then i really hope you dont find the thread upsetting. I myself have BPD, and i have so many brilliant qualities and i know i do the best i can for my children. Also people with BPD have empathy and show remorse, so i do feel like people get BPD confused with other personality disorders. Having BPD doesnt make you a bad person, i actually say its my superpower as i totally own it now
I just wanted to add this due to the talk on the thread about BPD and i dont want anyone getting upset.
We all lived walking on egg shells. If he was in a good mood then everyone else HAD to also be in a good mood, and if he was in a bad mood then bloody hell did we know about it! He would always make jokes at our expense, and if we reacted then we would be accused of overreacting. He was so embarrasing as well! Always trying to be the funny one, when really it was just embarrasing. And everything he did, we all had to tell him it was perfect! If we dared say anything other than it was perfect then he would argue and shout. And this went on through out my life! He, i think was secretly dissapointed in me not having the career that he wanted me to have. I did my BA in History and Criminology and i didnt know what to do. He tried to push me into politics but i didnt want to. I decided to do my MA in Social Work and he was really negative about it, even when i got my first social work job he wasnt happy for me!
The other thing i notice on reflection is, he acted like a tough guy with us but he wouldnt say boo to anyone outside of the house! He would be gobby and opiniated with us, but never with anyone outside of the family. So that has made me think he wasnt this strong man that i used to think.
I absolutely think he had mental health issues that had not been diagnosed, and that could explain why i also have mental health issues. But i made a promise to myself and my own children that i would never parent the way he did.
Also i just want to add, if anyone here has been diagnosed with mental health issues; especially Borderline Personality Disorder, then i really hope you dont find the thread upsetting. I myself have BPD, and i have so many brilliant qualities and i know i do the best i can for my children. Also people with BPD have empathy and show remorse, so i do feel like people get BPD confused with other personality disorders. Having BPD doesnt make you a bad person, i actually say its my superpower as i totally own it now
I just wanted to add this due to the talk on the thread about BPD and i dont want anyone getting upset.
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I could have written this
I'm an only child and she would always take me to the doctor saying there was something wrong, apparently I was always a poorly child. When I did develop a serious condition in my 30's it was all about her....Munchhausens by proxy phoning relatives telling them I was dying (I wasn't). Amongst other abuse.Like you for my mental health I limit calls and struggle to buy any cards that state any kind of real emotion. Thankfully only see her once a year but I get so stressed before and upset after.
My Dad is a lovely man and should have left her years ago, spoke to him many times about it so now feel he's made his bed. Pretty sure he's an abused husband too. If she went tomorrow I'd not be upset....only said that to a few people as you get told 'oh but it's your Mum' but I wouldn't. My MiL is 100% times better than mine.
Stuff them! Live for you! You won't be alone (and don't ever fear that) - open your heart to making new friends who will become your family.
I realised, through therapy, a couple of years ago that my mum was a narcissist. I’m now realising the extent to which my dad enables her poor behaviour. It’s painful and hurtful but with understanding comes power.
That book that was recommended further up thread (adult children of emotionally immature parents) is excellent.
Just sending love, strength and solidarity to you all.
That book that was recommended further up thread (adult children of emotionally immature parents) is excellent.
Just sending love, strength and solidarity to you all.
@ItsEmmie
May I ask how old you are? You don’t have to say if you prefer not to. I’m now in my late forties. It took me a long time to pluck up the courage to distance myself from my Mother. I have two daughters and they have supported me 100%. My husband has mixed feelings but it’s very different for him - his Mum is the sweetest.
Some people just can’t understand the effect it has on you - almost of abandonment? The constant criticism. My Mother started on my daughters. It was very subtle but I could see it. They both got into really good universities. Mother would make comments ‘who on earth do they think they are?’ ‘Too good to get a job and work hard’ etc etc. When they graduated and I didn’t invite my Mother she told everyone that would listen how heartbroken she was, how supportive she’d been... it’s just an ENDLESS pattern of behaviour. That was the catalyst for me, to be honest. Go for me but not my girls xx
@Thank(space)you
That is classic Narcissism.
Always playing the victim. The energy it must take to keep that kind of behaviour going
Much love to you - I know through your other posts you’ve been through such a lot and my heart goes out to you xx
May I ask how old you are? You don’t have to say if you prefer not to. I’m now in my late forties. It took me a long time to pluck up the courage to distance myself from my Mother. I have two daughters and they have supported me 100%. My husband has mixed feelings but it’s very different for him - his Mum is the sweetest.
Some people just can’t understand the effect it has on you - almost of abandonment? The constant criticism. My Mother started on my daughters. It was very subtle but I could see it. They both got into really good universities. Mother would make comments ‘who on earth do they think they are?’ ‘Too good to get a job and work hard’ etc etc. When they graduated and I didn’t invite my Mother she told everyone that would listen how heartbroken she was, how supportive she’d been... it’s just an ENDLESS pattern of behaviour. That was the catalyst for me, to be honest. Go for me but not my girls xx
@Thank(space)you
That is classic Narcissism.
Always playing the victim. The energy it must take to keep that kind of behaviour going
Much love to you - I know through your other posts you’ve been through such a lot and my heart goes out to you
xx
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Sending love to all those with narc mums who will be finding today (mothers day uk) especially hard
Does anyone have any information for the U.K. Who I can ring to speak to. I can’t move out but I am finding it increasingly hard to cope with living with my mother. I am trying to buy her (to keep her happy) when I don’t stay silent she tells me to move out (knowing it’s very hard to find somewhere to rent in my budget AND with dogs to take). She constantly belittles me and just this morning she’s has me in so many tears I’ve had 3 panic attacks. My brother came and she started ‘crying’ saying she hates me and he left because I raised my voice (they think it’s ok for her to verbally amuse me in a quiet tone in front of him) but if I raise my voice and he’s gone from last week calling her poison and toxic to ringing my mum and saying if she needs him to call (he leaves and she stops ‘crying’ and starts SCREAMING at me. 2 months a go the police gave me numbers to call because they suspected she was being mentally abusive to me and gave me numbers to call but unfortunately I darent call them because I’ll be scared that will trigger the police to come and that’s just going to make me have another panic attack. Honestly if I didn’t have two dogs to care for I would get in my car and drive to the other end of the country.
PN - I am not going to hurt myself I would never give her the satisfaction I dream of a new life with no contact but unfortunately I can’t see how I can even have that happen I’ve had phone calls even with my local councils and they say as a single person I will be waiting years.
PN - I am not going to hurt myself I would never give her the satisfaction I dream of a new life with no contact but unfortunately I can’t see how I can even have that happen I’ve had phone calls even with my local councils and they say as a single person I will be waiting years.
Do you have any friends who would be able to foster the dogs short term until you can find your feet? The dogs trust run a scheme for victims of domestic violence where they also temporarily care for dogs while you get yourself sorted.
I would be inclined to get yourself moved as quickly as possible. Nothing will change, it could escalate and you deserve better.
I think you need to ring the support numbers the police have given you.
Sending love xx
I didn't realise until I cut ties with my mother how much mothers day is shoved down our throats for weeks beforehand. It's ridiculous.....
Today is the first Mother’s Day after cutting my narcissistic mother out and I’m finding it very hard seeing all the social media posts, not because I miss my mum but I just so wish I had that supportive relationship in my life growing up and now, people don’t realise how lucky they are.
I wish I wasn't so scared to cut my mum out of my life. Two of my siblings have done so already. I find mother's day harder each year as the older I get the more vile she gets and the more I see through her bs
May I ask what it is you are frightened of?
Ive added this to another thread but feel it fits here too.
Trigger warning for mention of sexual harrassment:
Yesterday when my dad was laughing at the prospect of the 6pm curfew for men I disclosed things that have happened to me in the past (starting with a teacher telling me I was sexy aged 11 and going onto other things e.g. being assaulted whilst pregnant, finishing with having my drink spiked and ending up in a ditch in my 20s).
My dad responded that 'bad things happen' and that it's about perspective and that there are worse things going on in the world e.g. knife crime. I was so shocked as I thought he would care and show sympathy.
He often says that it will be illegal to be a white male soon
I shouted that all i ever wanted was to be left alone and that i didn't know why men were getting their knickers in a twist over a non-exhistant curfew and that men need to change their ways so that his granddaughter can walk to school safely.
Im so hurt and angry at his response but im proud that I didn't back down and stood up for my fellow women in a failed attempt to change his mind.
Trigger warning for mention of sexual harrassment:
Yesterday when my dad was laughing at the prospect of the 6pm curfew for men I disclosed things that have happened to me in the past (starting with a teacher telling me I was sexy aged 11 and going onto other things e.g. being assaulted whilst pregnant, finishing with having my drink spiked and ending up in a ditch in my 20s).
My dad responded that 'bad things happen' and that it's about perspective and that there are worse things going on in the world e.g. knife crime. I was so shocked as I thought he would care and show sympathy.
He often says that it will be illegal to be a white male soon
I shouted that all i ever wanted was to be left alone and that i didn't know why men were getting their knickers in a twist over a non-exhistant curfew and that men need to change their ways so that his granddaughter can walk to school safely.
Im so hurt and angry at his response but im proud that I didn't back down and stood up for my fellow women in a failed attempt to change his mind.
Well done for standing up for yourself and talking about difficult things that have happened to you. You're very brave to step up like that.
Sadly there is a certain type of person that will never listen to or understand anyone's point of view except their own. They are not capable of compassion or empathy and as much as these discussions need to happen, it's pointless wasting your breath on these kinds of people.
My dad is the same, still says he doesn't know of anyone who's even had Covid so what's the fuss about? Well I had Covid 11 months ago and still suffer from long Covid but I guess I don't count. Like when I was bullied at school and kept coming home covered in bruises he would just shrug and say "do you think you're the only one who's ever been bullied".
Oh my goodness I'm so sorry that you have this too and I just cannot get my head around how a father can be so flippant about you coming home covered in bruises. Making light of your illness is just another example of him silencing you or brushing anything you go through under the carpet.
Do you mind me asking how you deal with him?
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