I think that's definitely part of it. They don't seem to give one tit about their behaviour and you are just trying to protect yourself.
New to Tattle Life? Click "Order Thread by Most Liked Posts" button below to get an idea of what the site is about:
My sister apparently went into my mum’s kitchen last week and innocently asked her, “Where’s the dog? Is he outside?”
My mum angrily answered her in a haughty, bitchy voice, “Who’s the dog???! He has a name, you knooooow!!”
The dog is the golden child. Since then she’s been really off with my sister and treating her very coldly. She’s also started calling my sister’s daughter (7) “the girl” and won’t call her by her name, as revenge. All over calling a dog - a dog!
My mum angrily answered her in a haughty, bitchy voice, “Who’s the dog???! He has a name, you knooooow!!”
The dog is the golden child. Since then she’s been really off with my sister and treating her very coldly. She’s also started calling my sister’s daughter (7) “the girl” and won’t call her by her name, as revenge. All over calling a dog - a dog!
Is anybody else here filled with dread over Christmas fast approaching? A part of me feels sorry that if they come to us for Christmas they’d be on their own but the other part of me is saying you’re in your 30s and your father is still making you cry. He’s been giving me the silent treatment for weeks now over something so small it’s laughable. Thinking of saying my family and I have covid so will be isolating for the week. Wake me up in 2024
I’d say do whatever will protect best you mental health and general peace at the moment. If you have to claim covid/ gas leak/ holiday away to not have to put yourself through what sounds like a horrible way to end the year, then do it. Guilt is a destructive emotion that leads to decisions that ultimately end up hurting ourselves. Choose a healthier reason to keep or not keep in touch with your parents for your own sanity.Is anybody else here filled with dread over Christmas fast approaching? A part of me feels sorry that if they come to us for Christmas they’d be on their own but the other part of me is saying you’re in your 30s and your father is still making you cry. He’s been giving me the silent treatment for weeks now over something so small it’s laughable. Thinking of saying my family and I have covid so will be isolating for the week. Wake me up in 2024
Yes, I know the feeling.Is anybody else here filled with dread over Christmas fast approaching? A part of me feels sorry that if they come to us for Christmas they’d be on their own but the other part of me is saying you’re in your 30s and your father is still making you cry. He’s been giving me the silent treatment for weeks now over something so small it’s laughable. Thinking of saying my family and I have covid so will be isolating for the week. Wake me up in 2024
It’s the subtle things that are often the most toxic and upsetting like the silent treatment, change in tone of voice, sighing passive aggressively while you’re in the room, the difference in how they speak to you vs. how they immediately speak to someone else, etc., etc.As AlwaysSummer said, you do what you need to do to get some peace - Covid isolation as a solution sounds ideal x
She sounds unhinged!!! My dog has a name but I call her the dog sometimes.My sister apparently went into my mum’s kitchen last week and innocently asked her, “Where’s the dog? Is he outside?”
My mum angrily answered her in a haughty, bitchy voice, “Who’s the dog???! He has a name, you knooooow!!”
The dog is the golden child. Since then she’s been really off with my sister and treating her very coldly. She’s also started calling my sister’s daughter (7) “the girl” and won’t call her by her name, as revenge. All over calling a dog - a dog!
---
Yep. Just makes me realise what a bleep the thing that birthed me is. If I didn’t have a horse and dog I’d be going away over Christmas to visit my sister who lives abroad.Is anybody else here filled with dread over Christmas fast approaching? A part of me feels sorry that if they come to us for Christmas they’d be on their own but the other part of me is saying you’re in your 30s and your father is still making you cry. He’s been giving me the silent treatment for weeks now over something so small it’s laughable. Thinking of saying my family and I have covid so will be isolating for the week. Wake me up in 2024
She is something else. Her favourite hobby is to triangulate her children with the dog, where she’ll be really curt/sour/downcast with us and then immediately be all over the dog. She once didn’t speak to me for a month because I told her I preferred cats to dogs (something she already knew): “You mean you don’t like Piggy???!! Awwww! Poor Piggy!!!” And then her whole face and attitude changed and she started seething and giving me the silent treatment for a whole month. I swear the evil vibes that emanate from her when she thinks we’ve insulted or dismissed the dog in some way. Unreal
This is so relatable to me! Recently had an argument with my dad where I sent a very long message explaining how he makes me feel and in that message mentioned his dog. The only thing he replied with is the part about the dog 'he has a name'. The mind bogglesShe is something else. Her favourite hobby is to triangulate her children with the dog, where she’ll be really curt/sour/downcast with us and then immediately be all over the dog. She once didn’t speak to me for a month because I told her I preferred cats to dogs (something she already knew): “You mean you don’t like Piggy???!! Awwww! Poor Piggy!!!” And then her whole face and attitude changed and she started seething and giving me the silent treatment for a whole month. I swear the evil vibes that emanate from her when she thinks we’ve insulted or dismissed the dog in some way. Unreal
---
---
My dad is diagnosed with EUPD but my therapist mentioned narc traits too. He has been heavily dependent on me for the past 10 years since my parents marriage broke down. He has a very limited social group due to his behaviours pushing people away. The reliance on me has just grown and grown. Recently I told him I couldn't see him for the next few weeks and he blew up on me. Tried to turn my sister against me, saying really hurtful things such as my late nan that I thought the world of, didn't think much of me. My sister told me this so I confronted him and we had a huge argument. I've asked for an apology before I speak to him again and he isn't willing to give one so he's been giving the silent treatment. Since then I'm riddled with anxiety and low mood. Anxiety as he has no one else and his mental health is so unstable and he has made threats to harm himself. Rationally I know this is all manipulation but I am struggling to manage the emotional side of this. Cant help thinking what if we don't talk before Christmas, do I let him spend it alone, do I buy presents, I feel completely stuck
Last edited:
I appreciate how difficult this situation is for you. Could you contact social services and ask them to provide care for him? You deserve more in your life. If he can’t be civil to you then IMO you need to prioritise yourself. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it gets easier with practice.
Thanks for your reply. That might not be a bad idea actually. I just keep thinking I want to have my own family soon and I have to set out my boundaries now or my life will be miserable
Just a suggestion, but if he isn’t under your local mental health services it’s worth exploring what options for support they can offer him. Sounds like such a difficult position to ge in, but please remember that how someone else feels/chooses to act is not your responsibility to carry, even if that is a close relative. Sending hugs x
I’m sorry you’ve experiencing this; It’s so weird the way they put their dogs before their children! I was reading recently that it’s actually quite common with narcissists, where they like to let us think that their dogs are worth “more” to them than we are as a way of putting us down.
The situation with your dad sounds very trying and honestly, it’s a lot like mine with my mum at times, so I can very much relate and sympathise.
The irrational guilt even though you know they’re just being manipulative can be overwhelming - I guess because they’ve been teaching us to feel this way our whole lives - but please remember to put yourself first and that if someone is deliberately making you feel bad, you don’t owe them a thing. I haven’t figured it out myself yet tbh but maybe cutting down contact time and setting small boundaries for a start might be helpful? x
Hi all. First time in this thread and I’m diving right in with a post rather than reading. I hope that’s ok.
I’m struggling at the moment. My mum has always had terrible MH and at the moment it’s worse than it’s been for a long time. The last time was over 10 years ago. There have been a few times recently where she’s said things to me that have made me feel awful which I’ve let slide, like I used to. The other day she was upset because I went to visit my dad. I used to let her get away with this sort of thing because I knew she was ill but I’m much older and wiser now and when I made it clear that wasn’t ok she started crying and apologising but it wasn’t real. It was because I called her out. Does that make sense? I’m getting to the end of my tether.
I’m struggling at the moment. My mum has always had terrible MH and at the moment it’s worse than it’s been for a long time. The last time was over 10 years ago. There have been a few times recently where she’s said things to me that have made me feel awful which I’ve let slide, like I used to. The other day she was upset because I went to visit my dad. I used to let her get away with this sort of thing because I knew she was ill but I’m much older and wiser now and when I made it clear that wasn’t ok she started crying and apologising but it wasn’t real. It was because I called her out. Does that make sense? I’m getting to the end of my tether.
I can relate very much unfortunately. My mum will get quite nasty, unreasonable and even dishonest about something, and then when called out, she will act like a toddler (head down, tears in eyes, bottom lip stuck out) and start over-apologising in a baby-ish voice, saying “I didn’t mean it”, “I thought I was doing the right thing”, “I didn’t know”, etc. - all lies and acting, just to make herself seem like the victim. It’s annoying but so confusing and odd.
Exactly. I’m sorry you can relate though. It’s really tit.
Is it reasonable that I don’t care about my mum’s trauma etc? Don’t get me wrong, I used to, and spent many years using her trauma to justify her behaviour/actions. But I don’t care anymore. I’m tired. I’ve been in private therapy since the start of 2021. I wanted to change myself for the better; overcome aspects caused by my own trauma and narc mother, and deal with areas of my own behaviour that could’ve potentially turned toxic (I.e. unintentionally copying my mum). It’s been incredibly tough, but it’s been worth it. Mum’s always been against the idea of me having therapy, and I firmly believe it’s because she prefers having me live in ignorant bliss so she can carry on with the way she is.
It’s incredibly clear she needs some form of psychiatric help, she’s been advised to accept it for years, but she won’t. It’s perfectly reasonable to assume it’s because of some innocent reason, but that can only get her so far. While I’ve been making good progress in therapy, and tried to implement things to repair our relationship and open up some dialogue, she’s having none of it. Her default responses involve gaslighting and guilt-tripping. If anything, my efforts to mend things end up making everything worse! There’s still a lot I need to address in therapy, as I’m sure I could be a better person during this, but I’m trying my best.
It’s also worth mentioning that I’ve looked after mum since she had a stroke 6 years ago; she’s not fully dependent on me, she’s made great progress over the years, but I’m needed quite a bit. She’s always been like this, even before her stroke. Mum has been through a lot in life, but it feels like I’m wasting my time with her, and it’s easier to not care.
It’s incredibly clear she needs some form of psychiatric help, she’s been advised to accept it for years, but she won’t. It’s perfectly reasonable to assume it’s because of some innocent reason, but that can only get her so far. While I’ve been making good progress in therapy, and tried to implement things to repair our relationship and open up some dialogue, she’s having none of it. Her default responses involve gaslighting and guilt-tripping. If anything, my efforts to mend things end up making everything worse! There’s still a lot I need to address in therapy, as I’m sure I could be a better person during this, but I’m trying my best.
It’s also worth mentioning that I’ve looked after mum since she had a stroke 6 years ago; she’s not fully dependent on me, she’s made great progress over the years, but I’m needed quite a bit. She’s always been like this, even before her stroke. Mum has been through a lot in life, but it feels like I’m wasting my time with her, and it’s easier to not care.
My mum’s depression drags me down. I feel I need to stay away | Ask Philippa
Set boundaries, says Philippa Perry. Block her number for periods so you don’t spend your days in dread and give her a contact for the Samaritans
www.theguardian.com
Thank you for sharing.This is interesting and relatable xMy mum’s depression drags me down. I feel I need to stay away | Ask Philippa
Set boundaries, says Philippa Perry. Block her number for periods so you don’t spend your days in dread and give her a contact for the Samaritans
I am dragged down by it all.
When I travel up to visit I leave so drained and depressed. The latest message I got was that she wants to change her number. She doesn’t want anyone to contact her. She wants to move far away. It’s the same rubbish, i’m sick of it. I’ve always had to be the person who tries to make her see things more positively, be reassuring. That’s been my role since the age of 10. I’m now 33! You can’t just blame ‘bad luck’ for your life not turning out the way you wanted it to. There needs to be some ownership.
I’m sick of her snide comments and selfishness.
I wonder if it would be helpful to share our coping mechanisms here?
I make sure I speak about what’s going on. I used to see a counsellor and now I talk to my husband and close friends who know the situation. It’s helps me get some perspective, especially when I speak with friends who have children or good relationships with their parents who reassure me that my experience isn’t normal.
I also make sure I really look after myself which is easier said than done sometimes but resting and taking time out can really help me.
I have a stressful job so I need to make sure I don’t burn out. Been there done that. It isn’t fun!
Im not NC with my mum but I am LC compared to the past and I try to keep it to a phonecall once a week and a visit every few weeks. Sometimes we speak more. I find that if I don’t call her she won’t contact me unless she needs something. I never get a call asking how I am. She barely asks at all in fact. I’ve just got used to it. I grey rock to an extent. I don’t talk to her about work (it makes her anxious) or nice things I’ve done (it makes her sad) or other people having babies (I don’t have children so that makes her sad). Safe topics are pets, TV and other family members. Most importantly I have boundaries and try to enforce them. My mum can get fixated on “issues” in my life she thinks need to be sorted out (hence the grey rocking i do now) and I’ve found a simple “this isn’t open for discussion any more. Please don’t mention it again” works wonders. There might be some sulking but that’s ok and passes quite quickly.
I hope this is helpful to someone! X
I make sure I speak about what’s going on. I used to see a counsellor and now I talk to my husband and close friends who know the situation. It’s helps me get some perspective, especially when I speak with friends who have children or good relationships with their parents who reassure me that my experience isn’t normal.
I also make sure I really look after myself which is easier said than done sometimes but resting and taking time out can really help me.
I have a stressful job so I need to make sure I don’t burn out. Been there done that. It isn’t fun!
Im not NC with my mum but I am LC compared to the past and I try to keep it to a phonecall once a week and a visit every few weeks. Sometimes we speak more. I find that if I don’t call her she won’t contact me unless she needs something. I never get a call asking how I am. She barely asks at all in fact. I’ve just got used to it. I grey rock to an extent. I don’t talk to her about work (it makes her anxious) or nice things I’ve done (it makes her sad) or other people having babies (I don’t have children so that makes her sad). Safe topics are pets, TV and other family members. Most importantly I have boundaries and try to enforce them. My mum can get fixated on “issues” in my life she thinks need to be sorted out (hence the grey rocking i do now) and I’ve found a simple “this isn’t open for discussion any more. Please don’t mention it again” works wonders. There might be some sulking but that’s ok and passes quite quickly.
I hope this is helpful to someone! X
@Nonah, thank you- that’s such a great idea and I can relate everything you’ve shared. Seconding talking about/naming what’s going on. Being raised by a narc involves so much guilt-tripping and conditioning to keep the true extend of the awfulness a secret from others that we often carry on doing as adults. I find naming the behaviour, even just sharing with my husband, so validating now.
In the last few years when visiting my parents I started booking separate accommodation nearby. This means that I can def have some respite in the evenings, the visits are a lot more on my terms and feel less intense.
My other tip is not reacting to intended provocations. My mum is a master of provocation. I dawned on me recently after yet another upsetting call, that I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt relaxed around her. What I no longer do though is react to stuff she says with the intention to hurt and upset me, because this is what she wants and I no longer give her that power.
I no longer share anything important about my family/ work/ health etc in great detail with my parents, especially stuff that I need emotional support with. It’s sad but I find that repeatedly having my basic need for emotional support refused by them re-traumatising, so it’s easier to not give them access to certain areas of my life. In the past inevitably someone else would have had it worse anyway. A few years ago I had a health scare and was rushed through scans to exclude brain tumor. Funnily enough mum came up with a story about my sister in law’s suspected cancer which was never to be mentioned again or materialise. I’ve got used to expecting that things will be exaggerated or straight up made up when sharing distressing news, so I am very matter-of-fact now and don’t expect any sympathy from them.
In the last few years when visiting my parents I started booking separate accommodation nearby. This means that I can def have some respite in the evenings, the visits are a lot more on my terms and feel less intense.
My other tip is not reacting to intended provocations. My mum is a master of provocation. I dawned on me recently after yet another upsetting call, that I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt relaxed around her. What I no longer do though is react to stuff she says with the intention to hurt and upset me, because this is what she wants and I no longer give her that power.
I no longer share anything important about my family/ work/ health etc in great detail with my parents, especially stuff that I need emotional support with. It’s sad but I find that repeatedly having my basic need for emotional support refused by them re-traumatising, so it’s easier to not give them access to certain areas of my life. In the past inevitably someone else would have had it worse anyway. A few years ago I had a health scare and was rushed through scans to exclude brain tumor. Funnily enough mum came up with a story about my sister in law’s suspected cancer which was never to be mentioned again or materialise. I’ve got used to expecting that things will be exaggerated or straight up made up when sharing distressing news, so I am very matter-of-fact now and don’t expect any sympathy from them.