Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[Ablemabel]

Thank you - I really appreciate the advice! It is very sound and sensible.

Clearly, my mother is hellbent on having me pay those fees. After I emailed them, apparently my mother asked my sister to relay the following: ‘Tell TheGlossy I apologize and would like to know how long it would take for her to gather the funds. When is the most convenient time for her for this appointment’.

Now, my mother is facing the reality that I won’t pay and she’s trying to backtrack and is trying to do what she should have done in the first place. Please. She was quick to accept taking my money but couldn’t show an ounce of courtesy towards me. They literally acted like I was just there to bankroll them in the background. I had to hear about the appointment from the notary when the notary checked if the time works me too. How embarrassing is that?

I just responded saying ‘Canceling the appointment will make you look bad. Sorry, too late now.’.

I’m not engaging any further. I don’t have any obligation to pay for any of this when I’ve already paid more than what was required of me when my dad died.

Good for you. You are making the right decision.

The one thing I take from this thread is that despite the narcissism of our parents, we retain empathy and kindness. The flip side of that is that our narc relatives think they can literally tell us what to do and expect us to sort every little thing out of them, with zero gratitude. Never has it seemed so obvious to me how they see us as extensions of themselves and not individuals in our own right. Unfortunately this means we are prone to agree to do things that in a healthy relationship would never be expected.

 

[AlwaysSummer]

@TheGlossy- what an awful few days you’ve had. Lots of good advice here. My two pence is make sure that whatever form of contact you have with your siblings/mum in relation to this issue is the one you will find the least upsetting. Let’s face it, if your mum is using passive-aggressive means to communicate with you, there is no need to offer any more than the absolutely minimum of yourself. All the best.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

My dad put a note through my door at lunchtime which is TELLING me to sign something meaning I have power over his will if he becomes mentally incapacitated. He wrote that I MUST sign it in black ink and that he will collect when ive signed it. My dad is mentally absolutely fine apart from being a completed control freak obvs. I'm literally trembling which is the effect he has on me.

 

[Mollywobbles]

My dad put a note through my door at lunchtime which is TELLING me to sign something meaning I have power over his will if he becomes mentally incapacitated. He wrote that I MUST sign it in black ink and that he will collect when ive signed it. My dad is mentally absolutely fine apart from being a completed control freak obvs. I'm literally trembling which is the effect he has on me.

It’s probably just a power of attorney. It’s a good thing to have because if he is ill and unable to make decisions then you can do it on his behalf. But it has to be ratify the court, you can’t just take control when you feel like it.
If the worst happens it is a good thing to have and will make life easier

 

[Beth1980]

I had similiar earlier in the year got told I was being added to my parents, not asked, it had already been written up. I was shocked as I have had minimal contact for nearly twenty years and won't have a clue to anything financial or what they would want medically.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

It’s probably just a power of attorney. It’s a good thing to have because if he is ill and unable to make decisions then you can do it on his behalf. But it has to be ratify the court, you can’t just take control when you feel like it.
If the worst happens it is a good thing to have and will make life easier

I've just looked it up. He's given power of attorney to my brother, but wants me to sign to be replacement power of attorney in case something happens to my brother.

 

[Readingismyhobby]

I had similiar earlier in the year got told I was being added to my parents, not asked, it had already been written up. I was shocked as I have had minimal contact for nearly twenty years and won't have a clue to anything financial or what they would want medically.

I’m in the process of getting a Power of Attorney. The people involved have to sign it. If you haven’t signed it then you have no legal (or other) obligation. If you’re signature has been forged that’s illegal.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Ive decided the just sign the form and get my husband to take it back. My dad is pathetic, he has been banging on about his will for 8 years now. Ive been no contact for 3 years and my first contact is him putting a form through my door and ordering me to sign it using block capitals and a black pen. Didn't even ask how I am but then he's never done that in his life.

All this fuss an i bet he'll outlive us all

 

[redstraw16]

Bit of a rant apologies in advance, not expecting anyone to have any answers I think it’s just carthatic to rant…

I cannot stand my mum’s partner. They’ve been together for 14 years so half of my life and he’s just horrible. He’ll threaten to throw my mum and siblings out if ever someone disagrees with him (about what is on the living room TV as an example) or throw things around the room, he’s extremely emotionally abusive. I’ve also had messages from a fake social media account that started describing things in my bedroom down to the last detail and I’m sure it was him. He’ll throw around words like r*tard and sp*stic at my younger sister who has learning difficulties.

I do love my mum but we don’t talk unless she wants money from me, there’s never ever any “how are you?/how’s work?” and several years my birthdays gone forgotten about with not even a card. She’s left me to my own devices pretty much since I was 11/12 and when my siblings have ever needed something she’s more than likely deep in Facebook or TikTok than actually being proactive as a parent and handling something. We had social services involved growing up because of the partner not telling my mum he was on the sex offenders register for flashing and harassing a woman and moving in with us, plus because of ongoing neglect issues when I was younger too. I had social services address and report that without me (I went to uni) the standard of care for my siblings dropped.

If it was just them two I’d resign myself to cutting them out of my life, but I have 2 younger siblings that if left without me they’ll go without things and I’ll worry too much about how they’re being treated. But I’m in my late 20’s and the thought of meeting someone/settling down is non-existent because all of my energy outside of work is spent dealing with family arguments/visiting them to see how they are/cleaning up their house.

All in all, I’m just very stuck between looking after my little brother and sister as much as possible because I’m not confident in my mum or trusting of her partner, or looking after myself.

 

[Beth1980]

I signed it when it came through post my sibling is also on and as they are still in contact they can make the decisions/ lead the way if nedded.

 

[FlipFlop0706]

How did you get on today @TheGlossy x

 

[TheGlossy]

How did you get on today @TheGlossy x

Thank you so much for reaching out FlipFlop0706. That’s very kind of you

After my other posts, I spoke to my sister who told me she had asked my mother and brother not to rush to book an appointment without telling me. She said they didn’t want to listen to her and booked it anyways. I now know what went down…which is essentially them doing whatever they want.

The appointment happened earlier this afternoon and the notary told them they’d get back a bit more money than expected. The document was signed. Whatever fees apply will be deducted from what the notary has in probate.

So effectively, the probate is closed now (or at least, I hope). I also took the initiative to tell my sister that now that the probate is closed, all administrative/financial matters will be handed to her and my brother because ‘ I no longer to be involved’ (my exact words). All paperwork I have will be returned to them by post.

This situation has left a huge sour taste in my mouth (also the notary’s secretary’s behavior today but that’s another topic in itself lol).

I genuinely hope I’ll be able to move on with my life. I thought that I’d be happy once the whole thing would get closed off but I’m honestly just wondering what type of nonsense is coming my way next. I hope things will settle a bit now.

 

[C1O2]

Bit of a rant apologies in advance, not expecting anyone to have any answers I think it’s just carthatic to rant…

I cannot stand my mum’s partner. They’ve been together for 14 years so half of my life and he’s just horrible. He’ll threaten to throw my mum and siblings out if ever someone disagrees with him (about what is on the living room TV as an example) or throw things around the room, he’s extremely emotionally abusive. I’ve also had messages from a fake social media account that started describing things in my bedroom down to the last detail and I’m sure it was him. He’ll throw around words like r*tard and sp*stic at my younger sister who has learning difficulties.

I do love my mum but we don’t talk unless she wants money from me, there’s never ever any “how are you?/how’s work?” and several years my birthdays gone forgotten about with not even a card. She’s left me to my own devices pretty much since I was 11/12 and when my siblings have ever needed something she’s more than likely deep in Facebook or TikTok than actually being proactive as a parent and handling something. We had social services involved growing up because of the partner not telling my mum he was on the sex offenders register for flashing and harassing a woman and moving in with us, plus because of ongoing neglect issues when I was younger too. I had social services address and report that without me (I went to uni) the standard of care for my siblings dropped.

If it was just them two I’d resign myself to cutting them out of my life, but I have 2 younger siblings that if left without me they’ll go without things and I’ll worry too much about how they’re being treated. But I’m in my late 20’s and the thought of meeting someone/settling down is non-existent because all of my energy outside of work is spent dealing with family arguments/visiting them to see how they are/cleaning up their house.

All in all, I’m just very stuck between looking after my little brother and sister as much as possible because I’m not confident in my mum or trusting of her partner, or looking after myself.

I don’t know what to say really that could be of any use but that is a very tough situation for you to be in and have grown up in. Do you live very far away from them? If I was you I’d keep my eyes and heart open to meeting someone. There’s never a right time .. you never know what’s around the corner when you least expect it. Well done on going to uni I can imagine it wasn’t easy for you to leave your siblings. Hope you are feeling better for getting that off your chest. X

 

[FlipFlop0706]

Thank you so much for reaching out FlipFlop0706. That’s very kind of you

After my other posts, I spoke to my sister who told me she had asked my mother and brother not to rush to book an appointment without telling me. She said they didn’t want to listen to her and booked it anyways. I now know what went down…which is essentially them doing whatever they want.

The appointment happened earlier this afternoon and the notary told them they’d get back a bit more money than expected. The document was signed. Whatever fees apply will be deducted from what the notary has in probate.

So effectively, the probate is closed now (or at least, I hope). I also took the initiative to tell my sister that now that the probate is closed, all administrative/financial matters will be handed to her and my brother because ‘ I no longer to be involved’ (my exact words). All paperwork I have will be returned to them by post.

This situation has left a huge sour taste in my mouth (also the notary’s secretary’s behavior today but that’s another topic in itself lol).

I genuinely hope I’ll be able to move on with my life. I thought that I’d be happy once the whole thing would get closed off but I’m honestly just wondering what type of nonsense is coming my way next. I hope things will settle a bit now.

Just take some time and space. You’ve been dealing with this for a while so I imagine now it’s all dealt with it’s difficult as in a sense one weight has been lifted from your shoulders but now unfortunately it may potentially unfortunately be replaced with as you say what kind of nonsense you are going to get coming your way.

At the end of the day, you can’t control that. What other people do as a reaction is on them. All you can do is manage the situation to your best interests. I’d let things blow over for a while, hopefully everyone in that time will be able to reflect on their behaviour and actions and then you can reassess what’s best for you.

Enjoy your weekend! x

 

[ItsDatCuw]

So I suspect my mother is a covert narcissist…at the very least, she’s incredibly toxic and always has been. I have so many stories but this happened yesterday and I am still baffled. She messaged me at around 2pm while I was at uni (10 miles away from her) and said: “Could you please come and feed my dog at around 6pm because I’m going to bed for a nap and I might still be asleep by then.” Her dog “lives” in her kitchen and her bedroom is 3 metres from the kitchen. I read it a few times to try and make sense of it but then ignored it because it was just too ridiculous. Then I received a text from her at around 9pm. She said: “I’ve just woken up. Did you not get my message about coming to feed my dog? Because he wasn’t fed.”

The bizarre thing is that she goes to bed most days and doesn’t wake until 7 or 8pm, and only feeds her dog twice a day (and never at 6pm) and she has never asked me this before. I’m convinced it was some sort of weird power play move because she does things like this a lot unfortunately.

 

[HitnMiss]

That's bizarre!

 

[FlipFlop0706]

So I suspect my mother is a covert narcissist…at the very least, she’s incredibly toxic and always has been. I have so many stories but this happened yesterday and I am still baffled. She messaged me at around 2pm while I was at uni (10 miles away from her) and said: “Could you please come and feed my dog at around 6pm because I’m going to bed for a nap and I might still be asleep by then.” Her dog “lives” in her kitchen and her bedroom is 3 metres from the kitchen. I read it a few times to try and make sense of it but then ignored it because it was just too ridiculous. Then I received a text from her at around 9pm. She said: “I’ve just woken up. Did you not get my message about coming to feed my dog? Because he wasn’t fed.”

The bizarre thing is that she goes to bed most days and doesn’t wake until 7 or 8pm, and only feeds her dog twice a day (and never at 6pm) and she has never asked me this before. I’m convinced it was some sort of weird power play move because she does things like this a lot unfortunately.

Is this a passive aggressive way of trying to get you to come home from uni? It’s very odd. What did you reply to her?

I’d simply say- “I’m not coming all the way from uni to feed your dog when you are in the next room and fully capable of feeding him yourself” Draw attention to how ridiculous her request is.

 

[cee-bee]

Is this a passive aggressive way of trying to get you to come home from uni? It’s very odd. What did you reply to her?

I’d simply say- “I’m not coming all the way from uni to feed your dog when you are in the next room and fully capable of feeding him yourself” Draw attention to how ridiculous her request is.

Worth remembering though that narcs feed off peoples’ reactions.

she knows her request is bizarre - how could she not?

if it were me, I’d grey rock. “I’m not able to come feed your dog”

your priority when interacting with a covert narc is protecting your own peace. What is her likely response to you pointing out how ridiculous the request is?

IME, my mum would maybe resort to calling me names “you’re so ungrateful” or maybe guilt tripping me “well I can’t feed the dog so now he’s going to starve and it’s your fault” or “you never do anything for me” etc etc.

IME with my own narc mother, the more I pushback with her, the more opportunity I give her to go off on a rant. The more ammo I give her to hurt me. Because the unjustness and the harshness and unfairness of her response always hurts me.
IME, she’s never going to suddenly realise her request is ridiculous. She’ll never be honest about her motives. She’ll never consider my POV. So it’s pointless trying to reason, which is why I grey rock.

pointing out how ridiculous she is gives some short term satisfaction, and helps me feel like I’m sticking up for myself. But ultimately it opens me up to more hurt when she responds with gaslighting or guilt and shaming. So over time I’ve learned that protecting my peace and ignoring her crappy texts is the best way to interact with her. I actually have her blocked on WhatsApp so I can control when and where I see her messages to me.

I’ll sometimes have a conversation with myself to validate how I’m feeling. “I’ve received this crappy annoying and confusing text, it feels so unfair and it’s unsettled me and I really want to stick up for myself and make her see how unfair she’s being”

then I’ll maybe point out to myself that narcs live off creating confusion and settling people. I tell myself that it is indeed, very unsettling and crappy and I validate my own feelings. Then I ask myself what outcome I want. Well, I want her to be fair. I want her to see my point of view. I want her empathy. I’ll then maybe rationalise that, she has never ever given those things to me in any conversation. So in lieu of that, what’s the next best thing?

the next best thing is peace of mind. And I don’t need her to realise her request is ridiculous to get that. I can give that to myself. If I believe it’s unreasonable and a stupid, unfair request - I don’t need the unreasonable and unfair person making the request to agree.

it’s been about maybe, 6 years? Since I realised my mum was very likely to be a covert narc. Protecting my peace of mind has always made me feel more contented and happier, but every person has to come to their own realisation on what works best for them.

 

[ItsDatCuw]

Is this a passive aggressive way of trying to get you to come home from uni? It’s very odd. What did you reply to her?

I’d simply say- “I’m not coming all the way from uni to feed your dog when you are in the next room and fully capable of feeding him yourself” Draw attention to how ridiculous her request is.

It’s definitely possible! She knows I work until 8pm as well so it was very weird, though she would totally want me (in her very covert way of course) to leave classes and work, and run to her. I didn’t reply to her text but I saw her today and her first words were: “Did you not get my message yesterday about feeding the dog?” I told her that she knows I have classes until 5:30pm and work until 8pm, 10 miles away while she is 3 metres away from her dog; that she always goes to bed during the day and feeds him when she wakes at around 8pm; and that she never once asked me to do this before, so I found her request very bizarre.

She wouldn’t give me a straight answer and she was full of contradictions and shifty eyes. It was: “I always feed him at 6!”, “I don’t always go to bed!”, “I always feed him before I go to bed!”, “I was tired so knew I wouldn’t wake!”, “My alarm is broken!”. She looked so guilty and it was obvious she was just trying to cover herself. I think she expected me to just say: “Oh sorry, I didn’t see your message.”

Whatever it was about, I definitely don’t think it was actually about feeding him. Weirdly, when she tries to pull stuff like this lately, it nearly always involves her dog. She’s always been someone who needs two people so that she can play one against the another, so I’m wondering if this is just another version of that.
---

Worth remembering though that narcs feed off peoples’ reactions.

she knows her request is bizarre - how could she not?

if it were me, I’d grey rock. “I’m not able to come feed your dog”

your priority when interacting with a covert narc is protecting your own peace. What is her likely response to you pointing out how ridiculous the request is?

IME, my mum would maybe resort to calling me names “you’re so ungrateful” or maybe guilt tripping me “well I can’t feed the dog so now he’s going to starve and it’s your fault” or “you never do anything for me” etc etc.

IME with my own narc mother, the more I pushback with her, the more opportunity I give her to go off on a rant. The more ammo I give her to hurt me. Because the unjustness and the harshness and unfairness of her response always hurts me.
IME, she’s never going to suddenly realise her request is ridiculous. She’ll never be honest about her motives. She’ll never consider my POV. So it’s pointless trying to reason, which is why I grey rock.

pointing out how ridiculous she is gives some short term satisfaction, and helps me feel like I’m sticking up for myself. But ultimately it opens me up to more hurt when she responds with gaslighting or guilt and shaming. So over time I’ve learned that protecting my peace and ignoring her crappy texts is the best way to interact with her. I actually have her blocked on WhatsApp so I can control when and where I see her messages to me.

I’ll sometimes have a conversation with myself to validate how I’m feeling. “I’ve received this crappy annoying and confusing text, it feels so unfair and it’s unsettled me and I really want to stick up for myself and make her see how unfair she’s being”

then I’ll maybe point out to myself that narcs live off creating confusion and settling people. I tell myself that it is indeed, very unsettling and crappy and I validate my own feelings. Then I ask myself what outcome I want. Well, I want her to be fair. I want her to see my point of view. I want her empathy. I’ll then maybe rationalise that, she has never ever given those things to me in any conversation. So in lieu of that, what’s the next best thing?

the next best thing is peace of mind. And I don’t need her to realise her request is ridiculous to get that. I can give that to myself. If I believe it’s unreasonable and a stupid, unfair request - I don’t need the unreasonable and unfair person making the request to agree.

it’s been about maybe, 6 years? Since I realised my mum was very likely to be a covert narc. Protecting my peace of mind has always made me feel more contented and happier, but every person has to come to their own realisation on what works best for them.

You are spot on I think. My mum is also the queen of guilt-trips and I often feel as though her whole purpose of saying or doing something is to try and get me to “feel” something, whether it’s insecurity, confusion, feeling like I’m not good enough, etc., and I usually purposefully act like I either haven’t heard her, or I’m not aware of what she’s trying to do. Having said this, I often fall into the trap of letting her know how ridiculous she’s being. She is just SO covert though, that I often doubt my own judgement as well.

 

[ProfessorColdheart]

Has anyone got any wisdom on the impact of narc parents on current relationships? Only just found this thread.
Have realised that my mother is probably a narc. All my life her bad behaviour was excused as being not her fault because of depression. Father is an enabler. Sibling is the golden child. Feeling really stupid that I've spend 4 decades trying to please these people when its all really f**ked up. Always felt guilty and not good enough. Its easy to blame myself for things, other people will say she doesn't mean it or she's just down but when you take events and look at them objectively its really not OK. I've had a lot of mental health issues and the reaction to it was awful from the family. A combination of ignoring and mocking. I've never felt loved or supported. And all this time I've thought it was because I was defective and unlovable.
So since realising I've decided I need to go even lower contact with them but the therapy I've had to help me to realise that has now revealed to me the difficulties in my current relationship. Some pretty toxic and familiar patterns that have built up over the years. I'm terrified. Part of me thinks I need to cut and run but I literally have nowhere to run to. Another part of me is worried I'm overreacting because of all the grief and shock of realising what my family is really like. What I thought was love was really abuse. I feel like I can't trust myself at all and it feels super hopeless.