Tell her that recent university research has shown that women with feet bigger than a size 5*** are more intelligent.
*** or whatever her shoe size is
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*** or whatever her shoe size is
I said that
another occasion during my Invisalign journey towards the end, I was stood with her and my bother’s gf who I had only met for the second time and she said she can’t be believe how straight my teeth were and was making a big deal about how they stuck out! Fyi they did not stick out. I got it because one of my front teeth was drifting in front of the other and my dentist tried to convince me I didn’t need Invisalign. However she was insistent that my upper jaw stuck out.---
the funny thing is, she is really stupid.
She sounds like she's constantly trying to needle you. Perhaps she's insecure.
Only way to stop it is to not react at all. Eventually she might cut it out, sometimes they don't because it's a default behaviour for them. Unfortunately like everything this means you have to focus on your reaction to her and try not to have one. It's bloody difficult!
Only way to stop it is to not react at all. Eventually she might cut it out, sometimes they don't because it's a default behaviour for them. Unfortunately like everything this means you have to focus on your reaction to her and try not to have one. It's bloody difficult!
It sounds like she’s jealous and insecure tbh. How to deal with it really depends on the narc - some respond best to ignoring - others to comebacks, calling them out, etc. Mine used to pull that BS all the time (and still does occasionally though to a much smaller degree when she’s trying to make herself feel better). I found that my staying silent and ignoring her actually encouraged her because, as I gathered, she took that as submission/me seething. So I started replying with comments that would turn the tables on her and she soon packed that crap in. 
As petty as it might sound to people who aren’t familiar with these Ns, it really is a case of trial and error until you can figure out what works and what gives you your peace back.
——
On another note, does anyone else find that their narcs literally physically damage every object they touch?! Not even deliberately I don’t think it’s even on purpose but they just seem so bleeping heavy-handed and awkward.
As petty as it might sound to people who aren’t familiar with these Ns, it really is a case of trial and error until you can figure out what works and what gives you your peace back.——
On another note, does anyone else find that their narcs literally physically damage every object they touch?! Not even deliberately I don’t think it’s even on purpose but they just seem so bleeping heavy-handed and awkward.
@Chandler Bing how are you lovely?
Thank you. At the time she says these things, they kind of go over my head, so I don’t really have a reaction. It’s only afterwards, when I relay the conversation, I realise she’s trying to embarrass me and put me down in front of other people.
I was never brought up to talk to people the way she does. It’s ridiculous that I let it bother me since I’m nearly 40 and she’s almost 60.
Not to go over old posts on here, but I’ve just come across this on Instagram. I’m now prepared for when I next receive and bitchy remark
Saw this on FB and it is all so accurate.
Signs of a Toxic Mother:
Signs of a Toxic Mother:
- Mother gets reactive, snappy, cutting, or curt in her comments in an underhanded, undermining way. There’s a “flip” or “turn” when her behavior changes.
- Mother displays signs of jealousy, envy, or competition towards the daughter.
- Mother acts like a bully with no sense of accountability or responsibility. Can be aggressive and domineering.
- Mother has moments of sadism; she likes to hurt your feelings and seems to take some pleasure or satisfaction in making you feel bad or in “one-upping” you.
- Mother has tantrums, creating drama, tension, and upheaval around her.
- When things are going well for you she seems to be going through a hard time.
- Mother has moments of immaturity, being petty, and childish (sulks, tantrums, demands attention, etc.).
- Mother has a narrative of victimhood and entitlement, what you owe her, what the world owes her, how she’s been done wrong, etc. Nothing sustainably shifts her mood.
- The mother always has to be the center of attention and catered to. Your feelings and needs as her daughter are secondary.
- No curiosity about you; she appears to assume that she already knows what you think or feel or do, without ever asking or listening. You feel more like an image in her mind, or an extension of her own body, or a cardboard cutout of a person.
- In moments, you feel like she looks at you more like a threat, a perpetrator, or a competitor, rather than as her daughter. Sometimes a strange absence of “mother”.
- She may sometimes act as though she’s been physically attacked or disturbed when you do express a differing value, opinion, or expect to be heard.
- You know you can’t be your authentic self around her. You feel like you have to “armor up”, mentally prepare for seeing her, or put on a mask of what she wants you to be.
- Your body gives you strong signals, such as an ominous, sinking feeling, an urge to flee, a feeling of being frozen or stuck, a feeling like all your energy has left your body, start to feel “small” like shrinking in her presence, adrenaline surges of wanting to argue or defend yourself but you deflate and feel small.
- You feel like you always have to be the “bigger person” and take the “high road.”
- She’s oblivious to all that you’re feeling and shows no interest in your inner life. If you do share, she quickly changes the subject or brushes off what you’ve said.
- She’s very role-based, meaning that her role as your mother removes her of all responsibility and accountability towards you. She is entitled as a mother and any degree of discontent is interpreted as disrespect towards her. Your separate reality is an affront to her.
Well that's a very accurate description of my experience!
Uncanny isn’t it.
These ones especially relate to mine at the moment. Since I started a new job, she’s been extra bitchy and so “sick” that she’s on her last legs. As soon as she gets a bit of attention though, she’s suddenly better, skipping around and completely back to normal.
- When things are going well for you she seems to be going through a hard time.
- Mother gets reactive, snappy, cutting, or curt in her comments in an underhanded, undermining way. There’s a “flip” or “turn” when her behavior changes.
- Mother displays signs of jealousy, envy, or competition towards the daughter.
I've been ruminating on this overnight. I'm at the end of my narcissistic parent relationship as my mother died in July aged 77. I'm 50 now. All I can say is that things never got any better. In fact things got progressively worse over time. For many years I continued to fool myself that things might change and she would quit it with the toxic behaviour, particularly during key events. When my first child was born I ignored my instincts and believed having a grandchild would change things dramatically. This is despite the fact when I announced I was pregnant, my child was repeatedly referred to as "this baby" and when I told her what his name would be she made a crass joke about the name. That should have told me everything I needed to know. I should have trusted my instincts. The reality was she went into one of her massive narc rages less than 24 hours after he was born and made an absolute scene. I couldn’t even attempt to list all the terrible things that happened, I'd be here forever, but I can say that even in her death, she remained resolutely vile. In the last week or so, she wrote lots of little nasty notes, mostly about my husband who had been nothing but tolerant and kind to her, particularly given he had absolutely no requirement to do so. I found them amongst her belongings at the nursing home. I guess I thought that if someone's life is literally ebbing away, they would want to put aside any grievances they had and make amends, but no. She became more and more embittered.
I sincerely hope everyone on here is able to find peace, whether that’s by building a health relationship or by setting themselves free of them. Just trust your instincts.
I sincerely hope everyone on here is able to find peace, whether that’s by building a health relationship or by setting themselves free of them. Just trust your instincts.
My sympathies to you. My mother has terminal cancer. I am trying to do “the next right thing “. She hasn’t changed one little bit, still bitter and taking every opportunity to make nasty remarks. Leopards can’t change their spots
. This site is a great place for support.I have a bit of a weird one because it's my paternal grandmother that is the narcissist and it's my mother who takes the brunt of her, despite looking after her and having her over regularly, making her dinners etc. My mum has now quite rightly had enough and my grandmother is absolutely seething over it. In my mind she has burnt her bridges with us but she will tell everyone who will listen that we are the bad guys. I can barely stand to talk to her myself as I have witnessed first hand what she has put my mother through and I find it hard to forgive and forget, but my husband tells me I should humour her because she is old now but I don't think age should justify someone's behaviour.
I’m not sure I’m going to articulate this correctly so bear with me but I’ve been thinking on this today.
I had one of those moments today where I was like ‘I don’t want to be an adult right now, I want a parental figure to come take care of everything, stroke my hair and tell me it’s all going to be okay’. But then I realised I’ve never even had that. I’ve never had a safe figure to come and take away my burdens or tell me it’s okay so it’s no wonder I long for that when I’m having a tough time because we are told from young that that’s what ‘normal’ parents are meant to do.
And it just really hit me that as has always been the case I have to deal with big, hard emotions alone with no safe person to lean on.
I had one of those moments today where I was like ‘I don’t want to be an adult right now, I want a parental figure to come take care of everything, stroke my hair and tell me it’s all going to be okay’. But then I realised I’ve never even had that. I’ve never had a safe figure to come and take away my burdens or tell me it’s okay so it’s no wonder I long for that when I’m having a tough time because we are told from young that that’s what ‘normal’ parents are meant to do.
And it just really hit me that as has always been the case I have to deal with big, hard emotions alone with no safe person to lean on.
My paternal grandmother is like this also. My dad is the black sheep and always wrong and his brother is the golden boy and then I’m the worst out of my siblings, probably because I look like my mum (my parents divorced 27years ago!).
I’m planning my wedding and my Marc mother is, in typical fashion, making it all about her.
She’s been demanding about the guest list, disappearing about my choice of dress, domineering over how I want to do speeches, she’s been disparaging and inappropriate towards my father (who she’s divorced from). She’s even started to piss off my fiancée because she’s been domineering about his choice of tux/suit.
She sent me a long, long text message full of demands a couple of weeks ago. I honestly saw red initially.
I waited until I was calmer and less triggered, and then sent a reply that was very matter of fact “no I’m not inviting X, the guest list is final”, “I’m making a decision on y, I don’t need any input”, “I’m happy with my dress” etc etc etc. I asked that she didn’t make any more suggestions/demands etc.
Grey rocking, basically.
i received a text that was very apologetic. I think it might be the very ever apology I’ve ever received from her.
she said she was sorry she didn’t want to overstep, she will do whatever I want etc etc.
it’s completely shook me up. Partly because it’s not what I’m used to from her.
but mostly it’s because it’s the type of reasonable, empathetic, kind behaviour I’ve always *desperately* wanted from her. And I so badly want to believe it’s genuine. But deep down, I know she’s doing this to get on my good side, to get her way and to make sure she’s the star of the show on my wedding.
I’m used to her unreasonable, crappy behaviour. It makes me sad but I have the tools and experience to deal with that. To cope with it and grey rock through it.
this nice side to her, I know it’s all a facade. But it’s harder to deal with her (weirdly!) when she’s being this way because 1. I’m not used to it and 2. She’s dangling the thing I really have always wanted most in the world, in front of me. A supportive mother.
just sharing I guess, in case anyone else experiences similar turmoil over this.
I continued to grey rock (“ok thank you”). Grey rock is the only thing that ever works with these types of people, meanwhile I got upset and sad and had a cuddle with my fiancé to help me deal with the emotions.
---
I always tell myself, I can be my own safe person. I can lean on myself. And a mother/parental figure isn’t the only person to love you. Focus on the love and supportive people who are in your life.
but yea, it hurts. When I’m really desperate for a parental figure, I’m just extra kind to myself. Heat myself up some tinned soup (because it was a childhood favourite and is just really comforting), have a cup of tea, put on an electric blanket and watch friends on the sofa with my dog.
She’s been demanding about the guest list, disappearing about my choice of dress, domineering over how I want to do speeches, she’s been disparaging and inappropriate towards my father (who she’s divorced from). She’s even started to piss off my fiancée because she’s been domineering about his choice of tux/suit.
She sent me a long, long text message full of demands a couple of weeks ago. I honestly saw red initially.
I waited until I was calmer and less triggered, and then sent a reply that was very matter of fact “no I’m not inviting X, the guest list is final”, “I’m making a decision on y, I don’t need any input”, “I’m happy with my dress” etc etc etc. I asked that she didn’t make any more suggestions/demands etc.
Grey rocking, basically.
i received a text that was very apologetic. I think it might be the very ever apology I’ve ever received from her.
she said she was sorry she didn’t want to overstep, she will do whatever I want etc etc.
it’s completely shook me up. Partly because it’s not what I’m used to from her.
but mostly it’s because it’s the type of reasonable, empathetic, kind behaviour I’ve always *desperately* wanted from her. And I so badly want to believe it’s genuine. But deep down, I know she’s doing this to get on my good side, to get her way and to make sure she’s the star of the show on my wedding.
I’m used to her unreasonable, crappy behaviour. It makes me sad but I have the tools and experience to deal with that. To cope with it and grey rock through it.
this nice side to her, I know it’s all a facade. But it’s harder to deal with her (weirdly!) when she’s being this way because 1. I’m not used to it and 2. She’s dangling the thing I really have always wanted most in the world, in front of me. A supportive mother.
just sharing I guess, in case anyone else experiences similar turmoil over this.
I continued to grey rock (“ok thank you”). Grey rock is the only thing that ever works with these types of people, meanwhile I got upset and sad and had a cuddle with my fiancé to help me deal with the emotions.
---
I can empathise
I always tell myself, I can be my own safe person. I can lean on myself. And a mother/parental figure isn’t the only person to love you. Focus on the love and supportive people who are in your life.
but yea, it hurts. When I’m really desperate for a parental figure, I’m just extra kind to myself. Heat myself up some tinned soup (because it was a childhood favourite and is just really comforting), have a cup of tea, put on an electric blanket and watch friends on the sofa with my dog.
So sad for you, just wanted to say I’ve had very similar experience. My mother went into a massive rant 2 weeks before my wedding to say that as we’d asked in the invites that our guests donate to 2 chosen charities instead of giving us presents, this was going to be perceived as being stuck-up and pretentious. A week before the weeding she called me crying to say she can’t find a wedding outfit so I took it upon myself to buy a choice of 2 outfits to choose from.I’m planning my wedding and my Marc mother is, in typical fashion, making it all about her.
She’s been demanding about the guest list, disappearing about my choice of dress, domineering over how I want to do speeches, she’s been disparaging and inappropriate towards my father (who she’s divorced from). She’s even started to piss off my fiancée because she’s been domineering about his choice of tux/suit.
She sent me a long, long text message full of demands a couple of weeks ago. I honestly saw red initially.
I waited until I was calmer and less triggered, and then sent a reply that was very matter of fact “no I’m not inviting X, the guest list is final”, “I’m making a decision on y, I don’t need any input”, “I’m happy with my dress” etc etc etc. I asked that she didn’t make any more suggestions/demands etc.
Grey rocking, basically.
i received a text that was very apologetic. I think it might be the very ever apology I’ve ever received from her.
she said she was sorry she didn’t want to overstep, she will do whatever I want etc etc.
it’s completely shook me up. Partly because it’s not what I’m used to from her.
but mostly it’s because it’s the type of reasonable, empathetic, kind behaviour I’ve always *desperately* wanted from her. And I so badly want to believe it’s genuine. But deep down, I know she’s doing this to get on my good side, to get her way and to make sure she’s the star of the show on my wedding.
I’m used to her unreasonable, crappy behaviour. It makes me sad but I have the tools and experience to deal with that. To cope with it and grey rock through it.
this nice side to her, I know it’s all a facade. But it’s harder to deal with her (weirdly!) when she’s being this way because 1. I’m not used to it and 2. She’s dangling the thing I really have always wanted most in the world, in front of me. A supportive mother.
just sharing I guess, in case anyone else experiences similar turmoil over this.
I continued to grey rock (“ok thank you”). Grey rock is the only thing that ever works with these types of people, meanwhile I got upset and sad and had a cuddle with my fiancé to help me deal with the emotions.
---
I can empathise
I always tell myself, I can be my own safe person. I can lean on myself. And a mother/parental figure isn’t the only person to love you. Focus on the love and supportive people who are in your life.
but yea, it hurts. When I’m really desperate for a parental figure, I’m just extra kind to myself. Heat myself up some tinned soup (because it was a childhood favourite and is just really comforting), have a cup of tea, put on an electric blanket and watch friends on the sofa with my dog.
Like you over the years I’ve had what looked like genuine grovelling apologies by my parents when I’ve expressed hurt after mum’s narc behaviour (dad being an enabler). They’ve never followed through with a change of behaviour. At some point I realised I’m driving myself crazy by having the same argument over and over again. I’ve long stopped expecting they would change.
I wish I had read this thread when I was 18.
It would have saved me years of angst, worry and tears.
It would have saved me years of angst, worry and tears.
I didn’t feel any guilt, none at all. I’d had enough, so I’m not sure. Maybe focus on how they’re not feeling guilt about treating you like tit