Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[Black.bird]

Update:

My friend rang her mother last night from my place, and suggested that she rent a fridge/freezer from a place that does rentals. The one she was looking at was $9/week.

Her mother got hysterical, saying she didn't want to rent anything and she didn't know why my friend couldn't just give her the money after all she's done for her over the years (which is tiddly squat). My friend replied to say that she doesn't have $2k lying around to buy a new fridge, just like that - to which her mother snapped back that she would, if she didn't spend her money on crap.

So, again turning the situation around to be my friend's problem - why is it any of her business how my friend spends her money anyway? And for the record, she buys nice things to enjoy because she works hard!

As far as the relatives calling my friend to apply pressure - she suggested to the latest one to call that they lend her the money if they feel so passionate about it. Of course that was met with radio silence.

I've advised my friend to go "grey rock" with her mother. Another of our friends thinks that's mean, because she's elderly, but from my perspective she's emotionally abusing and manipulating my friend. I'm going to add here too, that she's never been a nice person. She says really mean things about everyone behind their backs and even told my friend - to her face - that she's going to end up lonely with nobody because she's so selfish (there's absolutely no truth to any of that).

Ugh! Makes me so angry.

 

[Chandler Bing]

Update:







My friend rang her mother last night from my place, and suggested that she rent a fridge/freezer from a place that does rentals. The one she was looking at was $9/week.







Her mother got hysterical, saying she didn't want to rent anything and she didn't know why my friend couldn't just give her the money after all she's done for her over the years (which is tiddly squat). My friend replied to say that she doesn't have $2k lying around to buy a new fridge, just like that - to which her mother snapped back that she would, if she didn't spend her money on crap.







So, again turning the situation around to be my friend's problem - why is it any of her business how my friend spends her money anyway? And for the record, she buys nice things to enjoy because she works hard!







As far as the relatives calling my friend to apply pressure - she suggested to the latest one to call that they lend her the money if they feel so passionate about it. Of course that was met with radio silence.







I've advised my friend to go "grey rock" with her mother. Another of our friends thinks that's mean, because she's elderly, but from my perspective she's emotionally abusing and manipulating my friend. I'm going to add here too, that she's never been a nice person. She says really mean things about everyone behind their backs and even told my friend - to her face - that she's going to end up lonely with nobody because she's so selfish (there's absolutely no truth to any of that).







Ugh! Makes me so angry.

All I can say is that I wish i had friends like you, when I'm dealing with this stuff

 

[House of Carbonara]

I just remembered today how when I was about 10 my mum used to take me to Boots and weigh me on one of those weighing machines. My dad would be there too. When the ticket came out of the machine stating that I was overweight my mum would rant to my dad about how she was never as fat as me at 10. She would then have a go at me saying I need to stop eating so much etc etc. I also remember her leaving me in the car whilst she did a shift at work.

I guess we could all write books on being raised by a narc parent - my heart breaks reading the stories we all have to tell. Understanding that it wasn't our fault doesn't take away the pain or the guilt.
My little story about weight - a few years back I managed to put on quite a bit of weight for reasons. My nm used to absolutely hound me with it, no matter how many times I told her it was none if her business (stock answer: but I am telling you fir Your Own Good! Mind you, she was a bit on the porky side too at the time).
Fast forward a year - lost 5 st (30kg) because my ortho guy said my joints couldn't take the weight.
Mother visits - not ONE f*cking word was said with regards to the weight loss.

 

[commenter5241]

I’m glad I’ve found this thread
A few months ago I stopped most contact with my mum and most of my family and it almost feels like a death if that makes sense like I’m grieving the relationship and the family dynamic I could’ve had? I know grief from when I lost my dad when I was young and it almost feels the same
From speaking to a lot of my friends especially my female friends they struggle with their mum and things their mums do

It’s been so many incidents but it’s really Facebook and over sharing that’s killed a lot of the relationships in our family. My mum will just post anything and everything to get sympathy and get attention. She pretends to be such a loving caring and understanding person online but in person she can be cold, argumentative, disinterested and make you feel so awful about yourself. She gets told several times that she’s not allowed to post things, I can’t count the amount of times that my brother and his wife told my mum not to post when she was pregnant/ just given birth and my mum did. She gets told not to post photos or baby’s names and she does then every time my mum is called out on her behaviour or something she’s posted that’s not right she’ll write a scatching Facebook status about her kids slagging them off saying she raised us so she can talk about whatever she wants and she can post whatever she wants. She’ll usually block us or unfriend us then do it and we only find out from other family members. I can’t even count the amount of times she’s done it, then it’s caused massive arguments and she still doesn’t think she’s in the wrong. She’ll just post more about how hard her life is and how horrible is to her.

She has no sympathy for anyone else having trouble in the family. When my sister in law had a miscarriage all she said was they told us too soon and they can just have another one. When my other sister in law lost a baby at birth my mum said that she shouldn’t be calling the baby, “my baby”, as it didn’t include my brother.


She lies just constantly I don’t even know if she knows the truth anymore. She’s taken my belongings without asking, she used to wear my makeup and my clothes. She took my coat and posted about it online when I asked for it back and said to her that I didn’t want her to post about me online as it makes me uncomfortable she deleted the posts only to make new ones a few minutes later with the sympathy sad faces and lines. She laughed when people were calling me cruel and saying it looked better on her. She called me fat in the comments and said I’ve crept up in weight and size and didn’t understand why I got so upset, (for years shes made comments about the fact I’m a lot shorter and curvier than the rest of my family and how she was so tall and thin and beautiful when she was my age and why couldn’t I just not gain weight easily like my sister, I really struggled with my weight and eating and I still do as a result of this). She sent me messages saying how many people had liked the statuses and photos of her saying how much better she looks. When I called her to talk about what had been posted and how much it upset me she just shouted over me saying how me and my siblings don’t message her and how awful we are. I spent the whole night shaking and crying and dreading the inevitable Facebook status slagging me off

I just don’t get it
How can you be so cruel to your child? How is she so comfortable to slag off her children and pit them against each other
How could she laugh at me when I cried and say I was faking it
How can she not respect her children’s wishes and the most simple requests

I’m terrified of being like her. I know I have the same short temper and laziness and I’ve been trying so hard to change and to stop myself before I get angry but I don’t want to be like her

 

[nothanksbabes]

I’m glad I’ve found this thread
A few months ago I stopped most contact with my mum and most of my family and it almost feels like a death if that makes sense like I’m grieving the relationship and the family dynamic I could’ve had? I know grief from when I lost my dad when I was young and it almost feels the same
From speaking to a lot of my friends especially my female friends they struggle with their mum and things their mums do

It’s been so many incidents but it’s really Facebook and over sharing that’s killed a lot of the relationships in our family. My mum will just post anything and everything to get sympathy and get attention. She pretends to be such a loving caring and understanding person online but in person she can be cold, argumentative, disinterested and make you feel so awful about yourself. She gets told several times that she’s not allowed to post things, I can’t count the amount of times that my brother and his wife told my mum not to post when she was pregnant/ just given birth and my mum did. She gets told not to post photos or baby’s names and she does then every time my mum is called out on her behaviour or something she’s posted that’s not right she’ll write a scatching Facebook status about her kids slagging them off saying she raised us so she can talk about whatever she wants and she can post whatever she wants. She’ll usually block us or unfriend us then do it and we only find out from other family members. I can’t even count the amount of times she’s done it, then it’s caused massive arguments and she still doesn’t think she’s in the wrong. She’ll just post more about how hard her life is and how horrible is to her.

She has no sympathy for anyone else having trouble in the family. When my sister in law had a miscarriage all she said was they told us too soon and they can just have another one. When my other sister in law lost a baby at birth my mum said that she shouldn’t be calling the baby, “my baby”, as it didn’t include my brother.


She lies just constantly I don’t even know if she knows the truth anymore. She’s taken my belongings without asking, she used to wear my makeup and my clothes. She took my coat and posted about it online when I asked for it back and said to her that I didn’t want her to post about me online as it makes me uncomfortable she deleted the posts only to make new ones a few minutes later with the sympathy sad faces and lines. She laughed when people were calling me cruel and saying it looked better on her. She called me fat in the comments and said I’ve crept up in weight and size and didn’t understand why I got so upset, (for years shes made comments about the fact I’m a lot shorter and curvier than the rest of my family and how she was so tall and thin and beautiful when she was my age and why couldn’t I just not gain weight easily like my sister, I really struggled with my weight and eating and I still do as a result of this). She sent me messages saying how many people had liked the statuses and photos of her saying how much better she looks. When I called her to talk about what had been posted and how much it upset me she just shouted over me saying how me and my siblings don’t message her and how awful we are. I spent the whole night shaking and crying and dreading the inevitable Facebook status slagging me off

I just don’t get it
How can you be so cruel to your child? How is she so comfortable to slag off her children and pit them against each other
How could she laugh at me when I cried and say I was faking it
How can she not respect her children’s wishes and the most simple requests

I’m terrified of being like her. I know I have the same short temper and laziness and I’ve been trying so hard to change and to stop myself before I get angry but I don’t want to be like her

Oh my heart breaks for you. I lurk on this thread because I don't have a narc parent but a narc friend who is precisely like this with her own family and it's infuriating and heartbreaking in equal measure because as I'm sure you know, you can't have a sane discussion with them and they won't change, but I just wanted to say that I doubt you're anything like your mother. The fact you're aware of it and worried is a sure sign you're not!

 

[House of Carbonara]

I’m glad I’ve found this thread
A few months ago I stopped most contact with my mum and most of my family and it almost feels like a death if that makes sense like I’m grieving the relationship and the family dynamic I could’ve had? I know grief from when I lost my dad when I was young and it almost feels the same
From speaking to a lot of my friends especially my female friends they struggle with their mum and things their mums do

It’s been so many incidents but it’s really Facebook and over sharing that’s killed a lot of the relationships in our family. My mum will just post anything and everything to get sympathy and get attention. She pretends to be such a loving caring and understanding person online but in person she can be cold, argumentative, disinterested and make you feel so awful about yourself. She gets told several times that she’s not allowed to post things, I can’t count the amount of times that my brother and his wife told my mum not to post when she was pregnant/ just given birth and my mum did. She gets told not to post photos or baby’s names and she does then every time my mum is called out on her behaviour or something she’s posted that’s not right she’ll write a scatching Facebook status about her kids slagging them off saying she raised us so she can talk about whatever she wants and she can post whatever she wants. She’ll usually block us or unfriend us then do it and we only find out from other family members. I can’t even count the amount of times she’s done it, then it’s caused massive arguments and she still doesn’t think she’s in the wrong. She’ll just post more about how hard her life is and how horrible is to her.

She has no sympathy for anyone else having trouble in the family. When my sister in law had a miscarriage all she said was they told us too soon and they can just have another one. When my other sister in law lost a baby at birth my mum said that she shouldn’t be calling the baby, “my baby”, as it didn’t include my brother.


She lies just constantly I don’t even know if she knows the truth anymore. She’s taken my belongings without asking, she used to wear my makeup and my clothes. She took my coat and posted about it online when I asked for it back and said to her that I didn’t want her to post about me online as it makes me uncomfortable she deleted the posts only to make new ones a few minutes later with the sympathy sad faces and lines. She laughed when people were calling me cruel and saying it looked better on her. She called me fat in the comments and said I’ve crept up in weight and size and didn’t understand why I got so upset, (for years shes made comments about the fact I’m a lot shorter and curvier than the rest of my family and how she was so tall and thin and beautiful when she was my age and why couldn’t I just not gain weight easily like my sister, I really struggled with my weight and eating and I still do as a result of this). She sent me messages saying how many people had liked the statuses and photos of her saying how much better she looks. When I called her to talk about what had been posted and how much it upset me she just shouted over me saying how me and my siblings don’t message her and how awful we are. I spent the whole night shaking and crying and dreading the inevitable Facebook status slagging me off

I just don’t get it
How can you be so cruel to your child? How is she so comfortable to slag off her children and pit them against each other
How could she laugh at me when I cried and say I was faking it
How can she not respect her children’s wishes and the most simple requests

I’m terrified of being like her. I know I have the same short temper and laziness and I’ve been trying so hard to change and to stop myself before I get angry but I don’t want to be like her

I wish I could hug you, my lovely - you'll never be like her because you have compassion.
Sending much, much love.

 

[Black.bird]

My friend (whose situation I posted about last week) isn't doing so well. Her mother is a nasty piece of work and if I wasn't worried about stepping over boundaries I'd like to give her a piece of my mind!

Nothing my friend does is ever good enough - she finds fault in everything; but when my friend is recognised by other people then she will take credit for it. My friend is amazing and was recognised in some community awards, where she was nominated for the top award. She said her mother would tell anyone who'd listen how she only got that because of her (her mother). When she didn't win, her mother stopped talking to her for a bit before snapping at her one day several weeks later to say she was ashamed of her because she hadn't won.

Anyway, my friend gave in and had a fridge delivered to her mother which wasn't appreciated for many reasons (too wide for the space it's meant to fit into [so why not put it somewhere else - work with what you have!], a strange tone of white [!], not a brand she's familiar with). I told her that's it - cut of contact! - I honestly think her mother is making this whole situation bigger than it needs to be because it gives her something to focus on and drag out. But my friend is taking it all to heart, wondering why she keeps stuffing up. Aaaargh!

 

[HitnMiss]

I feel for your friend Blackbird, she's never going to receive the approval she wants from her mother

 

[Nadia Vulvokov]

Your friends mother is a controlling bully. I think for her own mental health your friend will have to go no contact.
---

I’m glad I’ve found this thread
A few months ago I stopped most contact with my mum and most of my family and it almost feels like a death if that makes sense like I’m grieving the relationship and the family dynamic I could’ve had? I know grief from when I lost my dad when I was young and it almost feels the same
From speaking to a lot of my friends especially my female friends they struggle with their mum and things their mums do

It’s been so many incidents but it’s really Facebook and over sharing that’s killed a lot of the relationships in our family. My mum will just post anything and everything to get sympathy and get attention. She pretends to be such a loving caring and understanding person online but in person she can be cold, argumentative, disinterested and make you feel so awful about yourself. She gets told several times that she’s not allowed to post things, I can’t count the amount of times that my brother and his wife told my mum not to post when she was pregnant/ just given birth and my mum did. She gets told not to post photos or baby’s names and she does then every time my mum is called out on her behaviour or something she’s posted that’s not right she’ll write a scatching Facebook status about her kids slagging them off saying she raised us so she can talk about whatever she wants and she can post whatever she wants. She’ll usually block us or unfriend us then do it and we only find out from other family members. I can’t even count the amount of times she’s done it, then it’s caused massive arguments and she still doesn’t think she’s in the wrong. She’ll just post more about how hard her life is and how horrible is to her.

She has no sympathy for anyone else having trouble in the family. When my sister in law had a miscarriage all she said was they told us too soon and they can just have another one. When my other sister in law lost a baby at birth my mum said that she shouldn’t be calling the baby, “my baby”, as it didn’t include my brother.


She lies just constantly I don’t even know if she knows the truth anymore. She’s taken my belongings without asking, she used to wear my makeup and my clothes. She took my coat and posted about it online when I asked for it back and said to her that I didn’t want her to post about me online as it makes me uncomfortable she deleted the posts only to make new ones a few minutes later with the sympathy sad faces and lines. She laughed when people were calling me cruel and saying it looked better on her. She called me fat in the comments and said I’ve crept up in weight and size and didn’t understand why I got so upset, (for years shes made comments about the fact I’m a lot shorter and curvier than the rest of my family and how she was so tall and thin and beautiful when she was my age and why couldn’t I just not gain weight easily like my sister, I really struggled with my weight and eating and I still do as a result of this). She sent me messages saying how many people had liked the statuses and photos of her saying how much better she looks. When I called her to talk about what had been posted and how much it upset me she just shouted over me saying how me and my siblings don’t message her and how awful we are. I spent the whole night shaking and crying and dreading the inevitable Facebook status slagging me off

I just don’t get it
How can you be so cruel to your child? How is she so comfortable to slag off her children and pit them against each other
How could she laugh at me when I cried and say I was faking it
How can she not respect her children’s wishes and the most simple requests

I’m terrified of being like her. I know I have the same short temper and laziness and I’ve been trying so hard to change and to stop myself before I get angry but I don’t want to be like her

Hi, I really hope you're doing ok. You sound at the end of your tether. I really resonate with your post and also have that feeling of not wanting to be like my own mum. You aren't anything like her, you have empathy and recognise behaviours in yourself you want to change which narcissistic people don't! Please be kind to yourself . I recommend some books upthread which have helped me if you feel like reading up on how to cope. Sending hugs x

 

[Nadia Vulvokov]

How is everyone doing and feeling about Mothers Day tomorrow?

Hope it's ok to merail... but I'm absolutely dreading it. Managed to avoid my own toxic mother for the last 2 weeks, since I put my foot down with her again and she seems to be sulking. She wanted me to go to a concert with her last minute as there was a spare ticket. I declined as had had a busy day and didnt fancy getting ready to go out on a Monday night. She got pushy and demanding, but I stood my ground. She was already going in a group so it wasn't a big deal IMO but we all know they think differently. Anyway the next morning she sent videos of the concert really bloody early saying I really should have gone with her! I ignored her. Since then I've hardly heard from her which has been really nice if I'm being honest!

Anyway today I have to go buy her a gift and card and see her for lunch tomorrow. I'm already very anxious about how many times she will mention my weight/financial situation/single status in that passive aggressive way... wish me luck and hope you are all OK. If you're anxious about tomorrow I send you love.
---
@Black.bird how is your friend after the Fridge saga?

 

[MrsOgre]

How is everyone doing and feeling about Mothers Day tomorrow?

Hope it's ok to merail... but I'm absolutely dreading it. Managed to avoid my own toxic mother for the last 2 weeks, since I put my foot down with her again and she seems to be sulking. She wanted me to go to a concert with her last minute as there was a spare ticket. I declined as had had a busy day and didnt fancy getting ready to go out on a Monday night. She got pushy and demanding, but I stood my ground. She was already going in a group so it wasn't a big deal IMO but we all know they think differently. Anyway the next morning she sent videos of the concert really bloody early saying I really should have gone with her! I ignored her. Since then I've hardly heard from her which has been really nice if I'm being honest!

Anyway today I have to go buy her a gift and card and see her for lunch tomorrow. I'm already very anxious about how many times she will mention my weight/financial situation/single status in that passive aggressive way... wish me luck and hope you are all OK. If you're anxious about tomorrow I send you love.
---
@Black.bird how is your friend after the Fridge saga?

My mother has never cared about mothers day or expected a card or anything. I've not spoken to her for the last few weeks as she's gone too far in a text message and really upset me, and I thought that no reaction was the best plan.
I'll be happy when it's all over, I can't stand all the adverts and everything.
Do you absolutely have to meet her tomorrow, can you feign illness or that you are too busy? Easy for me to say when I'm here feeling so guilty, will she be outraged if you don't get her a card, gift and see her?

Last time I saw my mum in person, she stayed over for Christmas and I had to demand that she went home early as she was causing that much stress and had taken over the entire house. As a result she's barely spoken to me since. I got her lots of Christmas presents and she didn't get me anything and not even a card for my birthday earlier this year. I'm done with setting myself on fire to keep her warm.

 

[Slaybutter]

Blocking my mother didn’t work, she turned to email. She treated it just like texting for a little bit but finally layer off.

I hear from her on the phone now once a week because my grandfather calls when she visits him. The second to last time my mother and I spoke, we butt heads on a matter of etiquette. She seemed to regret talking to me since she didn’t enjoy being judged. In short, she did not like them apples. 🥲

I’ll send a text for Mother’s Day but that’s it. I can’t bring myself to celebrate her on the day since she lacks 99.999% of maternal instincts.

 

[Jdottt13]

Apologies this might be long!
Me and my mum have always had an up & down relationship and I think it comes down to the fact we are complete opposites on literally anything. I moved out of the family home aged 22 and it was the best thing for everyone and we actually got along better since then. But in the last few months I’ve really come to the realisation that she has always been selfish, as a child I remember never feeling wanted and never being put first. My emotions/feelings were always belittled and I wasn’t allowed a say in want I wanted. And she only ever does things when it suits her or makes her look good.
I have children now and I think that’s what has made me look back at my own childhood more.
As it’s nearly Mother’s Day there are 2 mothers days that stick out in my mind. The first one I was probably around 8? Some argument had occurred or I had misbehaved/cried (u know like normal 8 year olds!) and she got in my face and tore up the card I’d made her and threw it all in pieces in the bin. I remember feeling SO upset and the time. Another time I must have been a bit older I’d got her a mug for Mother’s Day (bare in mind we weren’t in the financial position for me to get pocket money so I’d saved my Xmas/birthday money to buy something for Mother’s Day) And I heard her later on the phone that day to a friend saying “oh yeah all I got was a lousy mug”..
which brings me to what’s happened today. She came to see me and my children for the day. And I’m sure she tries to get a reaction on purpose? She kept asking my son for a hug and at one point even pretended to cry (wtf) and he clearly said no more than once. So I then politely said he doesn’t have too and he’s said no… in other words don’t try and guilt trip him. She said god what’s with all these rules nowadays I said my children my rules end of.
Then my eldest was having a bit of a tantrum in the kitchen but then I gave him a cuddle and sorted it. Her first comment to him was “have you stopped making all that silly noise now” which I know doesn’t sound like much but I felt like she said it to try and set him off again, and also it’s not a “silly noise” it’s my child expressing emotion (She calls me a snowflake parent because my approach is much more gentle than her own parenting style back in the day lol) She then said she’s leaving as she feels like she can’t say anything in my home and walked out with saying bye to them causing upset. She also left her Mother’s Day card (for tomorrow) on the table. I’m now the one sat here feeling terrible and that I should’ve stayed quiet and that maybe I’m too sensitive

 

[Nadia Vulvokov]

Apologies this might be long!
Me and my mum have always had an up & down relationship and I think it comes down to the fact we are complete opposites on literally anything. I moved out of the family home aged 22 and it was the best thing for everyone and we actually got along better since then. But in the last few months I’ve really come to the realisation that she has always been selfish, as a child I remember never feeling wanted and never being put first. My emotions/feelings were always belittled and I wasn’t allowed a say in want I wanted. And she only ever does things when it suits her or makes her look good.
I have children now and I think that’s what has made me look back at my own childhood more.
As it’s nearly Mother’s Day there are 2 mothers days that stick out in my mind. The first one I was probably around 8? Some argument had occurred or I had misbehaved/cried (u know like normal 8 year olds!) and she got in my face and tore up the card I’d made her and threw it all in pieces in the bin. I remember feeling SO upset and the time. Another time I must have been a bit older I’d got her a mug for Mother’s Day (bare in mind we weren’t in the financial position for me to get pocket money so I’d saved my Xmas/birthday money to buy something for Mother’s Day) And I heard her later on the phone that day to a friend saying “oh yeah all I got was a lousy mug”..
which brings me to what’s happened today. She came to see me and my children for the day. And I’m sure she tries to get a reaction on purpose? She kept asking my son for a hug and at one point even pretended to cry (wtf) and he clearly said no more than once. So I then politely said he doesn’t have too and he’s said no… in other words don’t try and guilt trip him. She said god what’s with all these rules nowadays I said my children my rules end of.
Then my eldest was having a bit of a tantrum in the kitchen but then I gave him a cuddle and sorted it. Her first comment to him was “have you stopped making all that silly noise now” which I know doesn’t sound like much but I felt like she said it to try and set him off again, and also it’s not a “silly noise” it’s my child expressing emotion (She calls me a snowflake parent because my approach is much more gentle than her own parenting style back in the day lol) She then said she’s leaving as she feels like she can’t say anything in my home and walked out with saying bye to them causing upset. She also left her Mother’s Day card (for tomorrow) on the table. I’m now the one sat here feeling terrible and that I should’ve stayed quiet and that maybe I’m too sensitive

That sounds tough, sorry you've had a rough day but you did the right thing sticking to your guns. You shouldn't feel bad as hard as I know it is, as they get under your skin. Have you any nice plans for tomorrow? What about this evening? Have a glass of wine and some nice food, put your feet up and celebrate being a kind, gentle mother and you are most definitely not a snowflake! I hate that expression it's just a passive aggressive way of saying someone is weak and it's crappy.
---

My mother has never cared about mothers day or expected a card or anything. I've not spoken to her for the last few weeks as she's gone too far in a text message and really upset me, and I thought that no reaction was the best plan.
I'll be happy when it's all over, I can't stand all the adverts and everything.
Do you absolutely have to meet her tomorrow, can you feign illness or that you are too busy? Easy for me to say when I'm here feeling so guilty, will she be outraged if you don't get her a card, gift and see her?

Last time I saw my mum in person, she stayed over for Christmas and I had to demand that she went home early as she was causing that much stress and had taken over the entire house. As a result she's barely spoken to me since. I got her lots of Christmas presents and she didn't get me anything and not even a card for my birthday earlier this year. I'm done with setting myself on fire to keep her warm.

I won't get away with not seeing her now without her having a full blown tantrum. She's in full controlling mode. My sister (who gets as much tit as I do and we stick together so have each other) has had covid, so has my niece, but we are all being summoned! I've had texts and missed calls about it today. I'll play the daughter role tomorrow and this afternoon I'm having my own mini mother's day. How soon can I open the wine

 

[screamqueen]

How thoughtful of you to think of all of us @Nadia Vulvokov hope you’re doing okay xx

it’s coming up to a year since I last spoke to my narc mother. She’s asked my brother a few times what she’s ‘done wrong’ and that she doesn’t know why I’m not speaking to her, but if she doesn’t know by now then she’ll never know (I won’t go into it and merail the thread but it’s a few pages back).

Morhers day tomorrow is giving me a weird guilty feeling though I know it shouldn’t. Usually I would organise the flowers/card from siblings and I, and on the odd occasion one of my siblings has organised on our behalf. They haven’t mentioned anything which makes me feel they may have forgotten? Though my siblings will have a good relationship with my mother, the fact they may have forgotten makes me feel guilty, why is this? I know I shouldn’t care, but I can’t shake it, it’s so frustrating.

hope you’re all doing okay and looking after yourself, sending love xx

 

[rainbowlemon]

I've seemed to fallen out with my mother again since Thursday. Cried about it yesterday.

My father called me today and she was in the background and I said to him I didn't want to talk to her as he passed the phone to her.

I was called a witch. Told to get lost. Called illegitimate.

All of this started because I told her that she "needed to take care of her own health from now on". She was originally angry at my younger sister who is 22 because she wasn't faffing about after her making her tea or giving her breakfast. My sister's has been working12 hour shifts. She is still so surprised that nobody wants to spend time with her when she is so hurtful.

I blocked her on Whatsapp. I still talk to my father but told him today that I would no longer be doing calls only texts.

I seriously hate the hype around mother's day. I'm not going to send her anything and happily going to spend the money on a friend.

 

[Nadia Vulvokov]

How thoughtful of you to think of all of us @Nadia Vulvokov hope you’re doing okay xx

it’s coming up to a year since I last spoke to my narc mother. She’s asked my brother a few times what she’s ‘done wrong’ and that she doesn’t know why I’m not speaking to her, but if she doesn’t know by now then she’ll never know (I won’t go into it and merail the thread but it’s a few pages back).

Morhers day tomorrow is giving me a weird guilty feeling though I know it shouldn’t. Usually I would organise the flowers/card from siblings and I, and on the odd occasion one of my siblings has organised on our behalf. They haven’t mentioned anything which makes me feel they may have forgotten? Though my siblings will have a good relationship with my mother, the fact they may have forgotten makes me feel guilty, why is this? I know I shouldn’t care, but I can’t shake it, it’s so frustrating.

hope you’re all doing okay and looking after yourself, sending love xx

No worries at all, Hope you're doing OK.

Can imagine it's hard not to feel guilty when you usually organise things, plus having a toxic parent can make you anxious for not doing what is 'expected' of you. If your siblings are grown ups then you aren't to blame if they don't do anything, you're not responsible for them. Go easy on yourself x

 

[screamqueen]

No worries at all, Hope you're doing OK.

Can imagine it's hard not to feel guilty when you usually organise things, plus having a toxic parent can make you anxious for not doing what is 'expected' of you. If your siblings are grown ups then you aren't to blame if they don't do anything, you're not responsible for them. Go easy on yourself x

The anxiety around what’s ‘expected’ is so right. Shouldn’t let that hang over, it’s hard but determined not to let it get to me.

Thankyou again for your kindness and your wise words. Always helps to not feel so alone in our feelings xx

 

[Maid22]

@Nadia Vulvokov you open that wine lovely, am sorry to hear what you're all going through cos of tomorrow, so glad Ive had no contact for years, I was always the one trying to do something nice for her, picking a nice pressie etc, now when I look back, I wonder why I bothered, as she only believes the crap which comes out of her golden child's mouth who is a nasty vindictive liar, but he could never do wrong in her eyes, am so much better off without them

 

[Eureka]

I started going to therapy in September. It’s helped a lot. I think this is the first year I haven’t been triggered by Mother’s Day. There’s still sadness about how it’s turned out but also relief that I’m not stuck in that cycle anymore because the only one it was hurting was me and I deserve better. Love to everyone who is struggling, be kind to yourself x