Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[shadowcat5]

I quite admire the way you're so forthright upon it. I'm still conditioned to be a "good" girl most of the time, even though it can drive me berserk.

It's really difficult to say you don't like or want to be near your relative! I can't stand my sibling.

Seems like a lot of people here have to put up with temper tantrums and vicious lies, must be a personality type. I'm slightly mixed about my mother, she's either full on nasty or too gushy. I don't like either mode!


I guess they want to put up a facade of everything's perfect during the festive season and feel that they deserve attention/indulgence?

mine is definitely the façade. They want to play happy families with the extended family but I’m not playing ball. I’d rather sit here on my own than that. So far I’ve had a lovely Xmas eve. McDonald’s followed by some of the snacks I bought for the week, a fruit salad and I’ve been watching tit tele. Pure bliss and absolutely solidified my decision to stay by myself

 

[Phil Anne Throw Pee]

Guys I have a moral dilemma and I feel it’s only one that others with narc parents will understand. Apologies if it’s a bit of a long read, I’ll try and stick to the key points.

both my parents are very narcissistic in their own ways but this is more about my father. I was very close to his parents (my grandparents) growing up, they were like surrogate parents to me. But they were complete enablers and blinded themselves to how he really is.

My grandma got dementia shortly before she died and before I knew the full extent of it, my dad had her large estate, transferred over to him. He’d started spending it before she’d even died.

I’ll never know if my grandma had a will, or if she intended to include myself and my siblings in it. And even if she did have one, legally my father had gotten her to transfer the money across before she died anyway.

to his credit, he did a lot of the caring for her. But I also feel this partially fed into his justification of taking all the money. I estimate she had about £100K to her name.

this happened a few years ago and I never brought it up. I never asked for a penny. I’ve never asked for money from my parents, ever.

my fiancé and I got engaged recently and wedding planning has been tough. I’d saved as much as I could and I thought this would get me a decent wedding, but my funds aren’t going to stretch very far.

part of me hoped that after several months of being engaged and coming up to Christmas, my father would want to gift me something towards the wedding. Putting the money aside, this was a part of me hoping he’d come through for me as a father, to want to be supportive. To want to show an interest. We own a home already and live some distance away, so realistically there won’t be many other opportunities for him to step in as a parent, to help me. It truly hurts how little he seems to care or have an interest in my getting married. If I said I didn’t want him to give a speech or walk me down the aisle, I truly don’t think he’d care other than maybe his ego being bruised

my narcissistic mother thinks I should call him and butter him up in the hopes of him gifting me money. But this doesn’t sit right with me, nor does asking for it outright.

but likewise, the pile of wealth he’s sitting on and spending on himself… it’s my grandparents money. I truly believe they’d have wanted to have contributed to a wedding if they’d been alive.

part of me would feel beholden to him if he gifted me money, whereas if he didn’t, at least he wouldn’t have a single cause to feel entitled to walk me down the aisle or be involved in the wedding.

I don’t want a grand fancy wedding, the costs have come from a somewhat large wedding guest list (~85 people).

but the money would go to having the friends I’ve made over the years there, the people who have meant so much to me, and I can’t ask them to celebrate without their spouses, which is how the guest list has gotten so high. Plus the more people at a wedding the way I see it, the more of a buffer I have from spending time with my parents.

(not inviting my family isn’t an option right now. I don’t want to go into why, but I’m just not at the place where I can do that yet and cut them off that way.)

so yeh, my dilemma is ..
1. I don’t ask my dad for money and end up with half the people I want to join me, and having to spend more time with my awful family.
2. I ask him and he says no, which will cause a lot of hurt but at least I can stop holding out hope.
3. I ask him and he says yes, and I will get to share my wedding day with my loved ones, even if it does come with strings attached from him.

wedding planning has been so tough, because it really has shone a light on how little my parents really wish the best for me, how little they really care. At a time when I desperately want them to be there for me, to want to be parents to me… they just don’t.

I can’t really talk about this with my friends because, as soon as money is mentioned I feel like I come across as shallow and grabbing, but I’ve never asked my father for a penny in my life and I’ve been paying my own way largely, since I was 16. I desperately want him to step up as a dad just once, in whatever way. But I just don’t think that’s going to happen.

so yep, advice and thoughts would be appreciated.

I can relate. After years of financial abuse from my parents, but especially my Father, I have cut them off and have never felt better.

 

[Merpedy]

She’s not working and has decided we should have a meal together 🫠🫠

Can’t wait to listen to 30 mins of how tit other people are and how she’s not at all like them

 

[Lidl-by-Lidl]

I've had my narcissistic parent telling my young children what a awful and anxious child I was at their age. I don't know what they are trying to achieve by this, but it's making me so cross. I think my narc parent is just jealous I'm able to offer my kids a better life than they could offer me.

 

[cee-bee]

I've had my narcissistic parent telling my young children what a awful and anxious child I was at their age. I don't know what they are trying to achieve by this, but it's making me so cross. I think my narc parent is just jealous I'm able to offer my kids a better life than they could offer me.

Sounds like a tactic to get your kids on side by simultaneously praising them and undermining you. Double whammy.

 

[shadowcat5]

I've had my narcissistic parent telling my young children what a awful and anxious child I was at their age. I don't know what they are trying to achieve by this, but it's making me so cross. I think my narc parent is just jealous I'm able to offer my kids a better life than they could offer me.

Definitely jealous and probably wants to weaponise your kids against you.

if you can and feel comfortable could you sit your child down and explain to them that you were a bit unhappy as a kid of their age and you want them to know that if they ever feel that way they can talk to you and they don’t need to feel ashamed? Is that an option? Hopefully that might counter the narc parent getting in their head about that being something bad when there is nothing wrong with being anxious. It’s insane what kids latch onto.

 

[Maid22]

I quite admire the way you're so forthright upon it. I'm still conditioned to be a "good" girl most of the time, even though it can drive me berserk.

It's really difficult to say you don't like or want to be near your relative! I can't stand my sibling.

Seems like a lot of people here have to put up with temper tantrums and vicious lies, must be a personality type. I'm slightly mixed about my mother, she's either full on nasty or too gushy. I don't like either mode!


I guess they want to put up a facade of everything's perfect during the festive season and feel that they deserve attention/indulgence?

I'm nothing to be admired about, it's taken me years to be where I am now, my regret, not doing it sooner.
I had an angry wobble yesterday, I still live with the memories, they'll never go away, but sometimes it's hard to deal with it.

 

[PiesAndLattes]

New to this thread but I guess wanted to get opinions/ideas on parents keeping in contact with their children. I got to a point where I realised that it is very toxic for parents to say “phones are a two way street”. I have also realised that if I didn’t contact one of my parents I’d never hear from them. The other didn’t message me for Christmas until 8pm, same deal last year. I didn’t spend Christmas with this parent last year due to covid restrictions and this year because I was finally able to go interstate to where my other parent lives. I’ve kinda just given up / realised that I do not have to be the child maintaining contact and feeling guilty if I don’t call over the last 5 or so years.

For some context I live in the same state as the parent who didn’t contact me for Christmas and have for almost 3 years. They have never ever come to visit me at my house, only if they were in the area to visit their partners children. I also went through a break up in the depths of covid lockdowns and they did not visit (I thought understandably due to restrictions) but then they broke lockdown rules to help their partners family move house but didn’t come and visit to make sure I was ok.

I have alot of friends with very healthy family dynamics and beautiful relationships with their parents so these things are hard to discuss with them and get their thoughts on what could be considered “normal”.

 

[PurpleRox]

I'm nothing to be admired about, it's taken me years to be where I am now, my regret, not doing it sooner.
I had an angry wobble yesterday, I still live with the memories, they'll never go away, but sometimes it's hard to deal with it.

I'm happy you did what's best for you. There are going to be bad days just don't beat yourself up to much, it happens.xxx

 

[Slaybutter]

I spoke to my mother today on the phone. After fifty minutes of talking, she casually mentions that she heard on the radio I will be losing my healthcare coverage in April. This is totally new information to me. She said she wasn’t going to mention it and when I asked her why she said it’s because she did not want to have the bad news coming from her She should never have been allowed to have kids ISWTG.

I always forget what she is like

 

[no-no]

I’ve got to attend a funeral tomorrow and really don’t want to go as I’m estranged from so-called ‘family’. I went on a wild goose chase to get flowers today and finally secured some to collect tomorrow. Really annoys me how my mum is all “I’ll bring flowers” without having the means to source them. I paid half and will have to collect but she acts all competent to others when she might as well be like “what’s a flower?” to me. Learned helplessness and covert narcs. And the woe is me act over Christmas because my GC brother hasn’t spoken to her in years has worn thin. I’ll be glad once NY is out the way, she’s hinting at that but no thanks.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Almost 2 years since I went no contact with my dad. Except I'm realising that I never actually went no contact with him, all I did was never message or call him again and he has never been in touch!

 

[cee-bee]

New to this thread but I guess wanted to get opinions/ideas on parents keeping in contact with their children. I got to a point where I realised that it is very toxic for parents to say “phones are a two way street”. I have also realised that if I didn’t contact one of my parents I’d never hear from them. The other didn’t message me for Christmas until 8pm, same deal last year. I didn’t spend Christmas with this parent last year due to covid restrictions and this year because I was finally able to go interstate to where my other parent lives. I’ve kinda just given up / realised that I do not have to be the child maintaining contact and feeling guilty if I don’t call over the last 5 or so years.

For some context I live in the same state as the parent who didn’t contact me for Christmas and have for almost 3 years. They have never ever come to visit me at my house, only if they were in the area to visit their partners children. I also went through a break up in the depths of covid lockdowns and they did not visit (I thought understandably due to restrictions) but then they broke lockdown rules to help their partners family move house but didn’t come and visit to make sure I was ok.

I have alot of friends with very healthy family dynamics and beautiful relationships with their parents so these things are hard to discuss with them and get their thoughts on what could be considered “normal”.

parents.. and people in general.. who don’t make an effort to be in your life, don’t want to be in your life.

harsh, but usually true, with the rare exception.

there’s a ton of reasons why a parent might not want to be in their child’s life - not all parents love their children, not all parents like their children. Some parents/narcs are so bad at parenting that they hate to be reminded of it in the form of their offspring. The list of possibilities is endless.

The harsh truth is.. fighting to keep them in your life is a waste of time and energy. It’s better to accept the reality as it is (even if it’s hugely painful) and learn to accept the situation for what it is. Trying to “pretend” and play happy families with Narcs will only continue to hurt you and reinforce generational trauma.

accepting that your parents don’t really care is awful, truly awful. But when you face that truth, you also face the reality of who they are as people, and learn to accept that it was never a problem with you as a person, it’s them who are lacking.

as for that guilt? It’s likely reinforced by 2 things; societal expectations and the common narc tactic of using guilt and shame to control those around them.

I haven’t seen my narc parents in two years, and I feel a huge amount of shame and embarrassment when people ask me about it and judge (I have a very low tolerance for people who say things like “that’s so odd” and “but family is so important” very low.) I feel loneliness and sadness every day because of it, because I’ve faced the reality that i was never loved the way I deserve to be and I’ll never experience that relationship.

but equally, I’m much more at peace now.

 

[PiesAndLattes]

parents.. and people in general.. who don’t make an effort to be in your life, don’t want to be in your life.

harsh, but usually true, with the rare exception.

there’s a ton of reasons why a parent might not want to be in their child’s life - not all parents love their children, not all parents like their children. Some parents/narcs are so bad at parenting that they hate to be reminded of it in the form of their offspring. The list of possibilities is endless.

The harsh truth is.. fighting to keep them in your life is a waste of time and energy. It’s better to accept the reality as it is (even if it’s hugely painful) and learn to accept the situation for what it is. Trying to “pretend” and play happy families with Narcs will only continue to hurt you and reinforce generational trauma.

accepting that your parents don’t really care is awful, truly awful. But when you face that truth, you also face the reality of who they are as people, and learn to accept that it was never a problem with you as a person, it’s them who are lacking.

as for that guilt? It’s likely reinforced by 2 things; societal expectations and the common narc tactic of using guilt and shame to control those around them.

I haven’t seen my narc parents in two years, and I feel a huge amount of shame and embarrassment when people ask me about it and judge (I have a very low tolerance for people who say things like “that’s so odd” and “but family is so important” very low.) I feel loneliness and sadness every day because of it, because I’ve faced the reality that i was never loved the way I deserve to be and I’ll never experience that relationship.

but equally, I’m much more at peace now.

Thank you and thank you for sharing your own personal experiences. I have been NC with my (what I believe to be) narc sister for many many years. It was surprisingly easy to cut her off after being treated so badly by her and watching her treat my family badly. I know one of my parents has cut her off, the other only speaks to her because of her child and wanting to be a grandparent. For some reason it feels harder to do that with parents who are otherwise “ok”. I feel the same though with the shame and guilt associated with telling people about the family dynamic. My partner has a very different family, super close and very strong bonds even with separated parents so it’s tough but it is what it is I guess. Thank you again

 

[childofthe70s]

Does anyone's narc parents completely fabricate scenarios in their head and confront you about things that simply are not and never were true?

My sister was at her work Christmas party on Friday and a bit worse for wear on Saturday and didn't really reply to any messages. It wasn't important anyway so not a big deal. My mum phoned me to say she knows my sister was out taking drugs all night (?!) and isn't answering her messages because she's ended up in trouble as a result of the drugs. Like.. What the duck are you on about? It's completely farcical.

It's not a new thing either, when I was at university about ten years ago she got it in her head that I'd somehow quit my degree and she phoned me up (when I was in the library, ironically) screaming and demanding email addresses of my course supervisors who she then actually emailed to ask about me. They replied and said there was nothing to worry about... Because there wasn't. I was mortified. I feel like she needs serious help with this, it is complete delusion. I just don't understand it. Is it a control thing?

I used to get blamed for things that she thought I should know how to deal with that were hypothetical - well you should know how to do that, it's really not good enough. She also would ask me how to say fix her Apple Mac computer, when I have a PC, over the phone, and assumed I would instantly know what was wrong to fixing it (my brother that's king of the Macs and golden child would do nothing). She also wanted the names, addresses, email address and phone numbers of all my friends (I was 36 at the time), just so she could contact them encase I didn't reply to her messages/calls! That was after a breakdown and suicide attempt, caused by her narcissistic abuse.

 

[Nadia Vulvokov]

I think my mother has it in her head I am some kind of abusive or neglectful parent as she always asks my daughter if she's 'OK at home' and if she is sure she wants to go home when she's been out with her. Making me feel so paranoid and is distressing for my daughter. My daughter is 16 and I'm pretty sure I'd know if she was unhappy! I've sent her a polite text to ask her to stop saying it as it's not nice for anyone. She'll probably full on fall out with me now though. She's so under my skin I'm questioning my every move in front of her!

 

[Tangent Tiger]

Just had a screaming phone call shattering my peace as my mother can't do things and thought I would be the best person to scream at.

I don't want to travel today, I have other plans. It takes over an hour each way.

 

[call.me.coco]

On a video call to my mum, my toddler got a tissue and started wiping the table as she had spilled some milk.

My mum made a comment that my daughter is clean unlike her mum who is dirty?!

Growing up our house was filthy. I was too embarrassed to ever invite friends over. As a result, I am a bit of a clean freak. For her to make a comment like that is outrageous and really hurtful.

 

[Nadia Vulvokov]

Wow, so sorry for you all struggling at the moment with narc parents. Hugs for those who need it today. Be kind to yourselves and remember, although it's hard, the person attacking you does not like themselves very much.

As predicted my own narc mum has completely lost her s*** with me for politely asking her not to make my daughter uncomfortable with interrogations every time they are alone (sometimes when they aren't too). I am now being accused of keeping my daughter from her. She saw her yesterday. She then starts dragging up allsorts of untrue accusations from years back. I'm also just back from the emergency Dr's as got bacterial sinusitis and gone deaf in one ear. she knows I'm unwell. Now my daughter keeps apologising for bringing up the fact she felt awkward with all the questioning and she feels terrible about it. I'm exhausted

 

[rohaz]

First time poster but after Xmas my head is.
Does anyone else bite their tongue so much out of knowing nothing good will come from expressing your feelings and only one person (me!!) will end up upset?!
I truly feel like it’s time to step away from my entire immediate family (parents and brother) after years of emotional torment but it is just so so hard.