Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[daisy2809]

does anyone else ever worry they're 'turning into'/picking up traits of a narc family member?

 

[FlipFlop0706]

You have to say just that to your brother - you don't know what our argument was about and it's for you and only you and your mother to resolve. It's nothing to do with him and it sounds like he's been sent in by your mother to do her work for her.

The wisest words ever said to me were that you cannot control someone else's behaviour, only how you react/behave. Your mother is behaving badly. You want her to apologise butyou can't make her and you have to be prepared for the fact that she might not. My mother never once apologised to me despite doing some really appalling things and behaving terribly. Greyrockjng is really hard work but when you are dealing with someone unpredictable who harms you emotionally, its can be the only way short of no contact. You just have to be prepared to disassociate yourself in all dealings with them and cast aside any expectations.

ultimately you must do what is right for you.

If he has another go then I will bring this up. Put simply, it’s not his battle to get involved in. I think it’s given them both a shock as normally I roll over and just take it. This is the first time I’ve stood my ground. It feels like she’s got to him because she’s not getting a response from me. I can’t do NC as I can’t afford to move out. It’s just so infuriating doing all this when just two little words would solve it. At this point, I don’t even care if she means it, I just want an acknowledgment that she knows she behaved poorly towards me for no reason. Seems that’s too much to ask.

 

[Bettyboo2475]

Yes they are both quite wealthy luckily for them. Care is very expensive. It's not really a life they are living in these care homes, as nice as they are though. I leave after seeing them in turmoil, it drags up lots of feelings, I mask when I see them so it takes days to recover. And my OH and kids get my grumpy self. That's why I'd rather not go but the guilt trips. They're your parents, they looked after you. Blah, blah

I agree, no one really understands. My relationship with my brother is ruined also because of things.

 

[catchinguphere21]

Hi everyone. Last July I posted about my ill sister and toxic relationship with my Dad.
My sister sadly died a few weeks ago and her funeral is next week. Myself and her husband are planning her funeral with a small amount of input from my mum. My Dad has had no input, financially or with planning. I am giving a eulogy as it’s really important to me to do so, my parents said they wanted to write something to be read out by the celebrant but my dad left my mum to write it in the end. He acted appallingly when she was dying in hospital.
I am so mad but know it is wasted on him as he is either too thick or too emotionally unavailable to even be able to understand that I am entitled to expect more from him.
My sister requested we give our packets of wildflower seeds at her funeral so I bought 60 packets and stickers to put on the back with a message from her. I have been at my sister’s house today and wouldn’t have gone round had I known my dad would be there. The pen he is wanting to use isn’t working so he starts scribbling on the back of one of the packets of seeds to make it work. I just lost my shit and started shouting, I was actually really close to calling him a c*nt which I’m not proud of. He told me to ‘calm down, what you shouting for?’ totally invalidating me. Anyway, the purpose of this post is that I am planning to go no contact with him after her funeral, my mother will struggle to respect the boundaries of this as has spent decades sweeping shit parenting under the table.
Thanks for reading x

So sorry for the loss of your dear sister. May she rest in peace I wouldn't give your father any attention as its only feeding his energy and draining you the wildflower seeds is a beautiful thought your sister would be very proud and will no doubt give you the strength .

 

[Black.bird]

Tattlers, I need to vent and ask for your advice, on behalf of a friend, at the same time.

I'll be honest and say that until recently, I didn't even know what narcissism was - but now I'm thinking back to people I've come across over the years who I would've described as problematic, and I wonder if they had narcissistic traits. Reading up on the subject a fair bit (when I had Covid and had all the time in the world to go down quite a few rabbit holes), opened my eyes.

I have a dear friend who I believe is the scapegoat for her narc mother. Her mother seems to latch on to people - very unhealthily - and only contacts my friend when she's upset one of the people she latches on to or wants yet more money. My friend feels very much like a last resort in that regard.

Today, my friend visited me and was really upset. Her mother had called her in the morning to say her fridge-freezer is broken and she has no money to replace it. When she told my friend this, she immediately said she wouldn't consider buying secondhand. This seems to be strange timing as her mother had previously told her that she'd been out shopping with her aunt, who had to replace hers.

I asked my friend what the issue is with secondhand? Surely if she's hard up, asking for a handout, she can't afford to be choosey? Apparently it comes down to pride and she of course can't be "seen" to be having anything old (even though her house is falling down around her ears, but that's a different story).

My friend has done well in life and has a lot of nice things. Her mother doesn't respect her, or any boundaries, at all - even turning up uninvited to "pop in" which she knows my friend hates. It's as if she does shit like that to assert her authority.

I asked my friend what she is going to do. She said she's told her mother to talk to social services, as they will be able to help. Of course her mother started ranting and raving, then turning it back on my friend, saying if she could afford to buy a new outdoor lounge setting (which my friend did at Christmas time), then she could afford to help her out - or she could even sell that. Why on earth should she be expected to?! Why is her mother expecting her to bail her out - yet again - as she has many times in the past?!

My friend is riddled with anxiety and I'm feeling it too - why is this woman haranguing her like this? My friend doesn't owe her anything and shouldn't be expected to fund her mother's lifestyle - should she? I'm also going to add here that she found out at Christmas time that her mother had gifted hundreds of dollars to her granddaughter for Christmas; this came as a huge shock to my friend as she had been buying her ready-meals throughout the year because she claimed she couldn't afford groceries.

Also thrown into the mix is the issue that my friend has another friend who does supplement her mother's income and has told my friend that she thinks she should do the same for her mother. I know this happens in some cultures, but please tell me why she should do this?

My friend is now fully expecting phone calls from other relatives pressuring her to give her mother the money for a new fridge-freezer, and that thought alone is tying her up in knots. I've told her to tell them how she's already bailed her mother out and she can't keep doing it, but I don't know if she will.

Am I alone in thinking this whole situation stinks?! What should she do (aside from change her number and move far, far away)?

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Oh I haven't heard of Dr Ramani, I will look out for that.

I've gone no contact with nm but still grieving the relationship or maybe more life the relationship we should have had.

My daughter has had a baby and her mother-in-law is a narcissist. She treats her son and my daughter so badly but now wants access to the new grandchild! Not happening!

Congrats on your new grandchild I guess you and your son-in-law have something in common then!

 

[Slaybutter]

So I haven’t spoken to my NM since April, nor any of her siblings.
Earlier today a small package arrived at the door and I know right away from the handwriting it’s from her. Anticipating it’s some sort of Christmas gift from her… oh joy.

Why do they do this? You go low/no contact, yet times like this it’s like they’re suddenly the ‘good guy’ by sending something you didn’t ask for. And why then do *I* feel guilty about receiving it and not feeling grateful? Such a head fuck.

I think not feeling grateful is normal in these situations. You don’t trust this person to treat you right, so your mind is telling you that you don’t need to feel like you are beholden to them. Also sometimes it’s too little, too late. They’re withholding when you’re close to them but the second you start watching out for yourself and establishing some distance they want to lure you back in with gifts? Nah, f that

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Try a local uni - the law students sometimes run clinics and are monitored by their lecturers to check they don’t mess up! I think exams start soon and then they are off till sept but if a solicitor is too expensive you could try a student run legal advice clinic (free).

I'll look into this thank you. They did say that I should shop around as they are quite expensive

I'm so sorry. They can never take away what you had with your gran. It really is hard to stay no contact when put under pressure, I'm realising that I keep being hooked back by being told my parents are poorly

Yes that's true thank you

They're giving you a dose of emotional blackmail are they?

 

[Snowjoke]

Does anybody find you cannot be yourself around a narc? Like if you feel tired/unwell they’ll say “there is always something wrong with YOU” etc dismissing your feelings.
Yet they do nothing at that’s fine. Meanwhile you are running yourself to the ground...

I’ve been on a twelve hour shift. Two hour commute. I’m exhausted but she rang and I said I’m feeling shattered (a ridiculous conversation about mundane non important issues) I explained I’d call tomorrow and said I was tired to which I got shouted at for being ridiculous and you can’t be tired, always something wrong with you

Why do they do this

I get this too… yet they never do anything to help lighten the load

 

[Tangent Tiger]

Yep she's enabling him, she's always been his enabler. It's not acceptable behaviour at all. I wish I didn't have to deal with this again.

This is really not what you need is it! It drains your emotional energy

 

[lorenzo_vee]

Feel like I could of wrote this myself

I'm sorry you've had to go through the same thing. We both deserve better

 

[Maid22]

I’ve decided to do this too. I’ve had a bit of a lightbulb moment this weekend!

Me too x

 

[Rodneytrotter]

You should be able to buy the will from the gov website, and it should tell you who had been appointed as the solicitor and if it’s a solicitors firm handling the paperwork, that will be named on there too. You can contact the solicitors directly then, and if you were worried about just looking like you were only interested in the money you could instead ask about a particular item or keepsake of your Grans that you’re interested in. Here’s a link to search probate and then buy the will-

Search probate records for documents and wills (England and Wales)

Search online for a will, grant of representation or probate document for a death in or after 1858

www.gov.uk

This way might mean you have some control of the situation rather than living each day worrying that they’re going to contact you out of the blue. I’m really sorry for your loss, it’s really sad that nobody told you.

Thank you so much! I have just ordered a copy and if I am.a beneficiary I will contact the solicitor and let them know that there are communication issues and to contact me directly if possible. I have just discovered my gran's house for sale on rightmove. I've taken screenshots for memories. I'm gutted because I would have loved some old photos but I'll never get them now.

 

[Readingismyhobby]

I can't offer much by the way of advice other than to say I've been there. My mother died of cancer 4 weeks ago. I'd not seen her for 5 years. My brother 15. I did go and see her just before she died. It was probably my worst moment. My anxiety was off the scale.I can say that shewas exactly the same in death as in life. You have to do what you feel is right not what other people judge as being right. Noone can judge you,they haven't lived through what you have. They don't know.

Much love x

Thank you. I’m sorry you had that experience.

 

[Mollywobbles]

Thank you so much . It annoys me that she has a solicitor who must be on her side if they've advised her to ask me to waive my inheritance. Because I can't afford one and I wouldn't be able to afford to lose money if it went to court.

They may not have advised her. She may have told them it was your Gran’s wishes and asked them to do it and they are obliged to do so.
But if you don’t have to agree to it and they must do what is in the will

 

[childofthe70s]

Does anyone's narc parents completely fabricate scenarios in their head and confront you about things that simply are not and never were true?

My sister was at her work Christmas party on Friday and a bit worse for wear on Saturday and didn't really reply to any messages. It wasn't important anyway so not a big deal. My mum phoned me to say she knows my sister was out taking drugs all night (?!) and isn't answering her messages because she's ended up in trouble as a result of the drugs. Like.. What the fuck are you on about? It's completely farcical.

It's not a new thing either, when I was at university about ten years ago she got it in her head that I'd somehow quit my degree and she phoned me up (when I was in the library, ironically) screaming and demanding email addresses of my course supervisors who she then actually emailed to ask about me. They replied and said there was nothing to worry about... Because there wasn't. I was mortified. I feel like she needs serious help with this, it is complete delusion. I just don't understand it. Is it a control thing?

I used to get blamed for things that she thought I should know how to deal with that were hypothetical - well you should know how to do that, it's really not good enough. She also would ask me how to say fix her Apple Mac computer, when I have a PC, over the phone, and assumed I would instantly know what was wrong to fixing it (my brother that's king of the Macs and golden child would do nothing). She also wanted the names, addresses, email address and phone numbers of all my friends (I was 36 at the time), just so she could contact them encase I didn't reply to her messages/calls! That was after a breakdown and suicide attempt, caused by her narcissistic abuse.

 

[Good Egg]

Not a parent, but my partners uncles wife (he won’t call her Aunt).



Everything has to be about her. And I mean everything.
It’s my mother in laws 60th next weekend. Throwing a surprise party. When we brought up the idea at a family wedding (the only time we can get everyone together as we live all across the UK), she suggested we make it a joint 60th birthday party with their 18th wedding anniversary, and the 1st anniversary for the wedding we’re at. We said absolutely not, my mother in law rarely gets anything for herself and deserves this, so it’s going to be about her and her alone. Plus we don’t want to fork out for a party for other people.


Party is next Saturday. She’s saying she’s happy to ‘follow instructions’ but to be mindful because she wants to watch the coronation concert. She’s also asked if they are needed to set up the venue. This is only so they can claim they contributed and they’re so helpful and amazing etc She’s also nitpicking saying the buffet that she and her husband arranged for a different party was amazing, and so was the cake, and the venue, and the DJ.

They’re making a big song and dance about the fact they’re driving 2.5hrs to come. So are we. My MIL’s dad and his wife are flying part way and driving the rest of the way. Few people are travelling some distance to come. Don’t see us parading about boasting.

I had my other half’s uncle on the phone complaining saying everyone else had booked a room at the venue and they weren’t made aware of this. I don’t see why I need to be ringing them to tell them where to stay. They’re in their 60s and book holidays all the time - I didn’t really feel the need to point out where to stay.


She’s also almost certainly going to mention the fact she had health issues, and then pick faults at everything.

I wish we didn’t have to invite them because they’re just so draining on us all, but my MIL specifically said if we are going to plan anything for her 60th, then they must be invited.


I’m practically t-total, but fuck me I need a gin after just typing this!!!

It’s like dealing with a giant toddler... nothing is good enough, they pout, all about them Centre of attention

Sympathies to you x

 

[Nadia Vulvokov]

Advice needed please..

So my nephews Holy communion is coming up in 3 weeks time... there is a meal booked for afterwards, all family invited .

These are the things that I find really stressful, as my mother will single me out or do & say things to trigger me. I have chosen to look after my wellbeing in the last 2-3 months by being distant. When I told her on phone this evening that my daughters and I would not be going , she turned it back on my saying... you can't do that, your brother will be so disappointed as he has always attended your things (not always) just guilt tripping me here , the usual she then said ... have you not asked "my teenage daughter" does she want to go, or are you stopping her too?


I'm really exhausted by this

She always uses my teenage daughter against me , making out that I'M the problem always. Please can I have advice on how to deal with this situation.

Hi, I'm sorry this is happening. It's emotional blackmail and triangulation as she's pitting you against her and your brother / her and your daughter.

My advice is stick to your guns. It can be really hard, but backing down gives her the power, so when another situation like this arises in the future she will know which strings to pull to manipulate you and control the narrative.

Have you spoken to your brother directly? It might be a good idea to let him know where you stand so he's not hearing your mothers version of events (which will be twisted to make you look bad by the sound of things)

Let us know how you get on

 

[Chandler Bing]

I've just tried reaching out to an old 'friend' who knows the background to my life, they're too busy, they'll maybe catch up with me end of the week, why do I bother

All of us here are 100% with you! I'm happy to create an anonymous email account to chat if you wish xx

 

[HitnMiss]

That's bizarre!